NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Hansdeltania]

584: The Cake is a Lie

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in The Alliance of Dictators released a controversial and gory movie about Hansdeltania, entitled ’The Baker Of Hansdeltania’. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Hansdelta, seems to imply that Hansdeltania is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

The Debate

“This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Hansdelta Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Hansdelta Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”

Accept

“Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”

Accept

“Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. we should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

Accept

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Though you know, there's more to a vegetarian menu than tofu. If your first thought on entering a vegetarian restaurant is "okay, where's the vegetarian meat?", you're probably not very committed to being a vegetarian.

Well, if you're living in a country that used to have meat but then got compulsory vegetarianism forced on you, you probably WOULD be looking for the meat substitute.

Besides, tofu is funny. And I say this as someone who loves the stuff, and who comes from a culture where we really do make it into tofu-soup, fried-tofu, mock-meat tofu, tofu-drinks, tofu-sauces, and so on.

[Zwangzug]

574: One Small Step For Private Enterprise?

Private space companies have expressed a desire to launch a space probe to the moon and other planets in the solar system. To avoid any legal entanglements, they have asked for permission from the government to launch.

1. “The sooner we get off this rock, the better,” grimly predicts daredevil CEO Dick Benson, who recently broke the record for the world’s highest skydive. “We all know it’s a matter of time before we destroy this planet, and exploring the vastness of space is our only salvation. Private enterprise must be allowed to develop space technologies. I’d go so far as to subsidize private space companies to help them on the way to the stars. ‘Per pecunia ad astra’, as I always say.”

2. “Space shouldn’t be opened to corporations!” exclaims buxom @@NAMEINITIALS@@SA engineer turned beachwear model Ellen Janeway. “These companies just want to grab our heavenly bodies and make money from them. The stars themselves will be exploited and stripped bare! Only the government - by which I mean you - can be trusted to handle things properly.”

3. “Both sides have a point,” acknowledges your diplomatic Science Minister Bill deGrasse Hawking. “The free market must be allowed to operate, but with reasonable rules and regulations. The idea sounds daft, but an asteroid mining company should be subject to the same laws governing terrestrial mining companies. We should have some sort of prime directive that state what we can and can’t do up there. This needn’t cost us tax dollars either: just have the enterprises involved sign an agreement to abide by the rules, then let them go boldly where no corporation has gone before.”

4. “You’ve ruined this planet. Now you want to ruin outer space?” queries Gaia Peacedove, an eccentric environmentalist and host of the esoteric television show ‘Antiquated Aliens’, seen dressed in hemp fiber. “Cleanliness is next to godliness, after all. The Ancient Ones didn’t want us to come to them, they will come to us. Stop polluting space with your fancy-schmancy space probes and rockets! Ban all space exploration, and focus on protecting the environment. They will surely see this as a sign that we are ready for their arrival!”

by New Birgland, edited by Nation of Quebec

(none of the names are random. Richard Branson is from Virgin Galactic, Kathryn Janeway is a Star Trek character, #3 is an allusion to Neil Degrasse Tyson/Stephen Hawking/Bill Nye maybe?, #4 is just hippie randomness)

[Drasnia]

#585: Are You Not Entertained?

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six-hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

The Debate

“MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!” vents overprotective mother, Marina Boktor. “And the mess... sick in his hair was the least of his problems: he’s always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk.”

“That’s a little excessive,” concludes your uncle, Jamil Fraser, while attempting to child-proof your office. “When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation’s rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety.”

“That sounds like a waste of money,” says Colin Jamieson, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. “This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park’s safety or popularity. I can’t believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I’ll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually.”

“Woah, so cool!” opines wannabe daredevil Emily Schwarzenegger, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. “The only thing cooler than feeling like you’re on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that’s just part of the thrill, man.”

Issue by The People's Republic of Socialist Nordia

Edited by Lenyo

I didn't bother going through and checking whether all the names are random. Boktor in option one would be @@CAPITAL@@.

EDIT: I answered the last one and was greeted by this brilliant and hilarious line: "nihilistic thrill-seekers claim that suicide by roller coaster is the ultimate life experience."

[Trotterdam]

Besides, tofu is funny. And I say this as someone who loves the stuff, and who comes from a culture where we really do make it into tofu-soup, fried-tofu, mock-meat tofu, tofu-drinks, tofu-sauces, and so on.

Eh, I don't really mind, especially when the non-vegetarian option is also on the singleminded side given it produces "national chefs believe that you can eat anything so long as you deep fry it first". Just don't turn it into a running gag.

I didn't bother going through and checking whether all the names are random. Boktor in option one would be @@CAPITAL@@.

That's just because custom fields are added into the list of random names, it's not deliberate to this issue.

Here's a macrofied, straight-quoted version:

#585 Are You Not Entertained?

The Issue

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six-hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

The Debate

1. "MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!" vents overprotective mother, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. "And the mess... sick in his hair was the least of his problems: he's always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk."

2. "That's a little excessive," concludes your uncle, @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, while attempting to child-proof your office. "When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation's rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety."

3. "That sounds like a waste of money," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. "This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park's safety or popularity. I can't believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I'll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually."

4. "Woah, so cool!" opines wannabe daredevil @@RANDOMNAME@@, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. "The only thing cooler than feeling like you're on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that's just part of the thrill, man."

Issue by Socialist Nordia
Edited by Lenyo

I don't understand the sentence "And the mess... sick in his hair was the least of his problems.". How do you get sick in your hair? And "sick" isn't usually a noun. My best interpretation is that he threw up and some of it got stuck in his hair due to being upside down at the time... does gravity even work that way? I'm pretty sure there's a better way to phrase that.

As for "Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things.", I'd like to know why, if she didn't find it worth spending money on, she let her child ride it in the first place. Was he with a school trip rather than his parents?

EDIT: I answered the last one and was greeted by this brilliant and hilarious line: "nihilistic thrill-seekers claim that suicide by roller coaster is the ultimate life experience."

I remember seeing this draft on the forum... ah, here it is. Seems to have changed a bit in editing.

[Australian rePublic]

Last weekend, a roller coaster malfunction at Six-hundred Flags Theme Park resulted in dozens of people left hanging upside down from stationary carriages for almost half an hour and one passenger injured badly from the fall after she released her own safety harness to get down. Outraged by a perceived lack of safety, concerned parents are now pushing to have something done about the dangers posed by amusement park rides.

The Debate

“MY CHILD COULD HAVE DIED ON THAT THING!” vents overprotective mother, Miranda Thiesen. “And the mess... sick in his hair was the least of his problems: he’s always had weak bowels, poor thing. These roller coasters are clearly a danger to the public. Not to mention that people actually waste money on those godforsaken things. I say we ban them right away, along with any other rides that could put my baby boy at risk.”

Accept

“That’s a little excessive,” concludes your uncle, Francisco al-Zahawi, while attempting to child-proof your office. “When properly regulated, amusement park rides pose no danger. So the only reasonable thing to do is to hire a lot more health and safety inspectors. That way tourists can visit our nation’s rides and restaurants without fretting about their own safety.”

Accept

“That sounds like a waste of money,” says Barry Wilson, director of the infamous amusement park, after literally taking candy from a baby. “This was totally an isolated incident that in no way reflects upon my park’s safety or popularity. I can’t believe people are panicking so much over a couple of broken ribs and a snapped neck. Everyone knows that necks naturally repair themselves. Let me reopen my park tomorrow, and I’ll have all the ride malfunctions fixed. Eventually.”

Accept

“Woah, so cool!” opines wannabe daredevil Zelda Stark, who appears to be improvising a motorcycle out of scrap iron and kerosene. “The only thing cooler than feeling like you’re on the brink of death is actually being on the brink of death. Just scrap all those lame safety rules so we can get some real excitement! Super dangerous, but that’s just part of the thrill, man.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The People's Republic of Socialist Nordia
Edited by Lenyo

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Trotterdam -> googling "sick+noun" has revealed to me that its a British thing.

nounBRITISHinformal
1.
vomit.
"she was busy wiping sick from the carpet"

I will amend that to "vomit".

[Australian rePublic]

I have taken the liberty of dividing the first names into genders for you
First names:

Male: Aaron, Abraham, Al, Alexander, Ariel, Barack, Barry, Bharatendu, Bill, Billy, Billy-Bob, Bruce, Calvin, Carmen, Charles, Clint, Colin, Cooper, Daniel, Dave, Declan, Don, Francisco, Freddy, George W., Gregory, Howard, Ivan, Jack, Jacob, Jake, Jean-Paul, Josh, Larry, Lars, Louis, Mark, Mohammed, Neil, Randy, Roger, Samuel, Steffan, Thomas, Tim, Wil, William, Zach, Zack.

Female: Agnes, Ali, Anne-Marie, Beth, Bianca, Britney, Buffy, Chastity, Chloe, Colleen, Doris, Efthamia, Elaine, Elizabeth, Ella, Elsa, Emily, Erica, Faith, Georgina, , Heather, Hillary, Hope, Imogen, Jennifer, Jessica, Johann, Kate, Kathleen, Kayla, Lara, Lauren, Margaret, Maria, Marina, Marleen, Mary, Matilda, May, Megan, Mia, Michelle, Miranda, Natalia, Peggy, Pip, Prudence, Rebecca, Renee, Rochelle, Rosalia, Roxanne, Ruby, Sabina, Sarah, Sophie, Stefanie, Stephanie, Sue-Ann, Violet, Virginia, Yasmin, Yui, Zelda.

Gender Neutral OR I don’t know: Akira, Alexei, Aziz, Björk, Buy, Chris, Coraline, Darya, Falala, Fanny, Finlay, Fleur, , Gertie, Gretel, Hack, Jamil, Jazz, Kirby, Klaus, Konrad, Lee, , Max, Naki, Pete, Robin, Sashona, Teddie, Tobias, Xu, Zeke.

[Annihilators of Chan Island]

I have taken the liberty of dividing the first names into genders for you
First names:

Male: Aaron, Abraham, Al, Alexander, Ariel, Barack, Barry, Bharatendu, Bill, Billy, Billy-Bob, Bruce, Calvin, Carmen, Charles, Clint, Colin, Cooper, Daniel, Dave, Declan, Don, Francisco, Freddy, George W., Gregory, Howard, Ivan, Jack, Jacob, Jake, Jean-Paul, Josh, Larry, Lars, Louis, Mark, Mohammed, Neil, Randy, Roger, Samuel, Steffan, Thomas, Tim, Wil, William, Zach, Zack.

Female: Agnes, Ali, Anne-Marie, Beth, Bianca, Britney, Buffy, Chastity, Chloe, Colleen, Doris, Efthamia, Elaine, Elizabeth, Ella, Elsa, Emily, Erica, Faith, Georgina, , Heather, Hillary, Hope, Imogen, Jennifer, Jessica, Johann, Kate, Kathleen, Kayla, Lara, Lauren, Margaret, Maria, Marina, Marleen, Mary, Matilda, May, Megan, Mia, Michelle, Miranda, Natalia, Peggy, Pip, Prudence, Rebecca, Renee, Rochelle, Rosalia, Roxanne, Ruby, Sabina, Sarah, Sophie, Stefanie, Stephanie, Sue-Ann, Violet, Virginia, Yasmin, Yui, Zelda.

Gender Neutral OR I don’t know: Akira, Alexei, Aziz, Björk, Buy, Chris, Coraline, Darya, Falala, Fanny, Finlay, Fleur, , Gertie, Gretel, Hack, Jamil, Jazz, Kirby, Klaus, Konrad, Lee, , Max, Naki, Pete, Robin, Sashona, Teddie, Tobias, Xu, Zeke.

I can narrow down that "gender-neutral" section a bit more.

Male: Alexei, Aziz, Hack, Jamil, Kirby (Delauter, who's name must never be spoken ), Klaus, Konrad, Tobias, Zeke

Female: Coraline, Darya, Falala, Fanny, Fleur, Gretel (Hansel and Gretel anyone?),

Neutral/Don't Know: Akira, Björk, Buy, Chris, Finlay, Gertie, Hack, Jazz, Lee, Max, Naki, Pete, Robin, Sashona, Teddie, Xu

I'd also add that Carmen is gender neutral, Ali is a male name as far as I'm aware and Johann I'm fairly certain is male.

[Mironus]

Page 66, 666066 views. Nice.

#586: School’s In For Summer?

Your Education Minister recently proposed abolishing the traditional @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ school schedule, which included seasonal breaks, and replacing it with one in which school days were evenly distributed over an entire year. In response, concerned administrators, parents, and educators have asked for your support.

The Debate

1. “Everyone knows how much time parents and educators waste regurgitating the same information every year,” complains obnoxious parent Georgina Black, seen wearing a ‘My Child Is An Honor Roll Student’ button. “Students often forget things when they spend long periods of time without learning. In order for these young minds to flourish, we should keep the same number of weeks of education per annum, but spread them out evenly across the year. That will make my - I mean, @@NAME@@’s - children’s successes even more pronounced!”

2.“That is ridiculous. Can you even imagine all the overhaul that would require?” questions principal Michael Nahasapeemapetilon, after giving two of your squabbling aides a time out. “The budget is strapped enough as it is! A better solution would be to allow each school to determine its own schedule. That’s better for the administrative workings of this public school system, and our finances. Besides, educators need breaks too! Teaching those little hellions is far more stressful than it looks!” The aides begin squabbling again, prompting a stern glare from the principal. “You two! My office! Now!”

3. “Restructuring alone won’t keep our children ahead of the curve!” opines Colin @@CAPITAL@@, Comptroller of the @@CAPITAL@@ District School Board who had been grading everyone on their posture and speeches. “What we need to do is make education free and mandatory all year round, fifty-two weeks a year and six days a week. Yes, that means massive spending towards the education budget, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. Well, I guess you can depending on how much goes into the budget.”

^{Issue by The Community of Aipotu Ruo
Edited by Nation of Quebec}

[Australian rePublic]

I have taken the liberty of dividing the first names into genders for you
First names:

Male: Aaron, Abraham, Al, Alexander, Ariel, Barack, Barry, Bharatendu, Bill, Billy, Billy-Bob, Bruce, Calvin, Carmen, Charles, Clint, Colin, Cooper, Daniel, Dave, Declan, Don, Francisco, Freddy, George W., Gregory, Howard, Ivan, Jack, Jacob, Jake, Jean-Paul, Josh, Larry, Lars, Louis, Mark, Mohammed, Neil, Randy, Roger, Samuel, Steffan, Thomas, Tim, Wil, William, Zach, Zack.

Female: Agnes, Ali, Anne-Marie, Beth, Bianca, Britney, Buffy, Chastity, Chloe, Colleen, Doris, Efthamia, Elaine, Elizabeth, Ella, Elsa, Emily, Erica, Faith, Georgina, , Heather, Hillary, Hope, Imogen, Jennifer, Jessica, Johann, Kate, Kathleen, Kayla, Lara, Lauren, Margaret, Maria, Marina, Marleen, Mary, Matilda, May, Megan, Mia, Michelle, Miranda, Natalia, Peggy, Pip, Prudence, Rebecca, Renee, Rochelle, Rosalia, Roxanne, Ruby, Sabina, Sarah, Sophie, Stefanie, Stephanie, Sue-Ann, Violet, Virginia, Yasmin, Yui, Zelda.

Gender Neutral OR I don’t know: Akira, Alexei, Aziz, Björk, Buy, Chris, Coraline, Darya, Falala, Fanny, Finlay, Fleur, , Gertie, Gretel, Hack, Jamil, Jazz, Kirby, Klaus, Konrad, Lee, , Max, Naki, Pete, Robin, Sashona, Teddie, Tobias, Xu, Zeke.

I can narrow down that "gender-neutral" section a bit more.

Male: Alexei, Aziz, Hack, Jamil, Kirby (Delauter, who's name must never be spoken ), Klaus, Konrad, Tobias, Zeke

Female: Coraline, Darya, Falala, Fanny, Fleur, Gretel (Hansel and Gretel anyone?),

Neutral/Don't Know: Akira, Björk, Buy, Chris, Finlay, Gertie, Hack, Jazz, Lee, Max, Naki, Pete, Robin, Sashona, Teddie, Xu

I'd also add that Carmen is gender neutral, Ali is a male name as far as I'm aware and Johann I'm fairly certain is male.

Ali is female, as far as I'm concerned

[Australian rePublic]

Your Education Minister recently proposed abolishing the traditional Australian school schedule, which included seasonal breaks, and replacing it with one in which school days were evenly distributed over an entire year. In response, concerned administrators, parents, and educators have asked for your support.

The Debate

“Everyone knows how much time parents and educators waste regurgitating the same information every year,” complains obnoxious parent Nick Mendez, seen wearing a ‘My Child Is An Honor Roll Student’ button. “Students often forget things when they spend long periods of time without learning. In order for these young minds to flourish, we should keep the same number of weeks of education per annum, but spread them out evenly across the year. That will make my - I mean, Australian Republic’s - children’s successes even more pronounced!”

Accept

“That is ridiculous. Can you even imagine all the overhaul that would require?” questions principal Darya Christianity, after giving two of your squabbling aides a time out. “The budget is strapped enough as it is! A better solution would be to allow each school to determine its own schedule. That’s better for the administrative workings of this public school system, and our finances. Besides, educators need breaks too! Teaching those little hellions is far more stressful than it looks!” The aides begin squabbling again, prompting a stern glare from the principal. “You two! My office! Now!”

Accept

“Restructuring alone won’t keep our children ahead of the curve!” opines Wojciech Bronte, Comptroller of the Canberra District School Board who had been grading everyone on their posture and speeches. “What we need to do is make education free and mandatory all year round, fifty-two weeks a year and six days a week. Yes, that means massive spending towards the education budget, but you can’t put a price on knowledge. Well, I guess you can depending on how much goes into the budget.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Community of Aipotu Ruo

Edited by Nation of Quebec

[Australian rePublic]

In recent weeks, a neighbouring nation in Earth Nations released a controversial and gory movie about Australian Republic, entitled ’The Baker Of Australian Republic’. The movie, which follows the horrifying journey of a hapless ex-baker into the criminal underworld of Canberra, seems to imply that Australian Republic is a dystopian hellhole filled with violent crime. Unsurprisingly your citizenry is offended.

The Debate

“This movie makes us look like lawless bloodthirsty savages... and they claimed we eat Canberra Cakes all year round, when everybody knows that we like Canberra Scones these days!” complains scowling patriot Marshall Kim J. Unn, dousing a stack of movie promotional posters in kerosene, tossing the offending nation’s flag onto the pile, and lighting a match. “Not only should we ban this evil slanderous movie, we should also demand an apology! Deploy tanks along their border, and warn them to withdraw the film, or face the consequences.”

Confirm Wait, no!

“Woah, like chill out dude, get a sense of humour,” says satirist Sacha Sagdiyev, lighting a spliff from the bonfire. “These people just don’t know what it is actually like to live here. So, why don’t we show them? Get some tourists in, get them high on magic mushroom muffins, flood them with love. Getting angry never solved anything, man.”

“Lies and videotape, eh?” muses Lenny Groovesteel, your Propaganda Minister, reading a psychology article on The Triumph Of The Will. “Two can play at that game. we should direct our own movie directors to churn out some counter-information, singing our nation’s praises and fabricating something nasty about theirs. Have you heard people talking about the disgusting Dog-Hair Muffins they bake? No? We will fix that.”

Issue by The Democratic Union of Felucian Planetary Republic

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

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[Candlewhisper Archive]

Hmmm, dumb apostrophes in the description are acting really dumb there...

Have taken 'em out, cos they're hurting my eyes.

[Christian Democrats]

Sorry for my low activity. I do plan to update the issues soon.

[Annihilators of Chan Island]

Sorry for my low activity. I do plan to update the issues soon.

Don't worry about it. Just do your thing and all will be well.

[Belinos]

#587: I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

The Issue

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as a the nation’s first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

The Debate

1. “Surely we cannot allow this, right?” asks Chief Justice Ryan Howard while curling the end of his beard around his finger. “Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn’t be allowed to serve in the judiciary.”

2. “He’s a – it’s a WHAT?” yells Robin Steele, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. “This robot had to be made by someone right? You don’t see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It’s clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of – the works!”

3. “If I may disagree,” politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. “A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?”

4. “I warned you!” scolds noted technophobe Aziz Barnes after smashing your telephone. “But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We’ve got to rid @@NAME@@ of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!”"

^{Issue by The Reticulated Splines of Luna Amore
Edited by Luna Amore}

[Trotterdam]

#587 I, Robot, Do Solemnly Swear

The Issue

Last week, a humanoid robot announced its intentions to serve as a the nation's first android federal judge. Concerned citizens have come to you as to the implications and legality of this potential appointment.

The Debate

1. "Surely we cannot allow this, right?" asks Chief Justice @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ while curling the end of his beard around his finger. "Letting them vote would be one thing, but robot judges? What if it malfunctions or someone tampers with it? We need to put an end to this right now. If we manufactured it, it shouldn't be allowed to serve in the judiciary."

2. "He's a - it's a WHAT?" yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Zero Tolerance. "This robot had to be made by someone right? You don't see how that could go horribly, horribly wrong? It's clearly a power grab by someone with deep connections at the Friendly Robot Company. We need to conduct a full on investigation of the entire industry and this robot; who made him, who paid for him, what he is capable of - the works!"

3. "If I may disagree," politely asks iCroft Holmes, the robot nominee. "A robotic judge has numerous benefits that the esteemed gentlemen are deliberately omitting. We can view decisions in a rational and analytical manner, unburdened by emotions. We would make decisions for the betterment of the people. The judiciary would become streamlined and efficient. Surely, these are virtues the government wants?"

4. "I warned you!" scolds noted technophobe @@RANDOMNAME@@ after smashing your telephone. "But no one would listen. You became dependent on these soulless machines, integrated them into every facet of your lives, and look, now they dare to judge us! We've got to rid @@NAME@@ of these toasters once and for all! Ban artificial intelligence and bring some sanity back to our country!"

Issue by Luna Amore
Edited by Luna Amore

[Drasnia]

#588: Last Call for Alcohol?

The Issue

The @@CAPITAL@@ Police Department has reported an upsurge in alcohol-related crime in recent weeks, with bar-fights, vandalism, and street violence all on the rise. Now, with a drunken city councilor involved in a street brawl with an equally drunk Brancalandian ambassador, it is perhaps time for you to intervene in the embarrassing levels of booze-fueled mayhem.

The Debate

“These pubs are cesspools of crime and delinquency!” rages Temperance League founder and avowed pacifist Samuel Longfellow, throwing a bottle full of perfectly good beer on the floor, smashing it. “And don’t forget the broken families and long-term health problems associated with drinking yourself to death! The government must ban all alcoholic drinks and shut down every last bar in @@NAME@@ in order to safeguard public safety.”

“Maybe just a selective ban? After all, beer doesn’t get you drunk nearly as quickly as whiskey or vodka,” proposes Ariel Khan, who has the difficult job of cleaning up all the messes in the Surly Wench Pub. “Just set an upper limit of 6% ABV. That way people still have a way to blow off steam, but they’ll be a little less likely to smash bottles or brawl over the @@ANIMAL@@ball game.”

“I can do... what I want... with my body,” staggers Mario Ford, who is already drunk at 10 in the morning. “The government should just get off my... back.” The sot abruptly falls down.

Issue by The Kingdom of The Dalatian Republic

Edited by Lenyo

All names seem to be random as well.

[Australian rePublic]

The Canberra Police Department has reported an upsurge in alcohol-related crime in recent weeks, with bar-fights, vandalism, and street violence all on the rise. Now, with a drunken city councilor involved in a street brawl with an equally drunk Brancalandian ambassador, it is perhaps time for you to intervene in the embarrassing levels of booze-fueled mayhem.

The Debate

“These pubs are cesspools of crime and delinquency!” rages Temperance League founder and avowed pacifist Ed Dodinas, throwing a bottle full of perfectly good beer on the floor, smashing it. “And don’t forget the broken families and long-term health problems associated with drinking yourself to death! The government must ban all alcoholic drinks and shut down every last bar in Australian Republic in order to safeguard public safety.”

Accept

“Maybe just a selective ban? After all, beer doesn’t get you drunk nearly as quickly as whiskey or vodka,” proposes Aaron Hernandez, who has the difficult job of cleaning up all the messes in the Surly Wench Pub. “Just set an upper limit of 6% ABV. That way people still have a way to blow off steam, but they’ll be a little less likely to smash bottles or brawl over the Kangarooball game.”

Accept

“I can do... what I want... with my body,” staggers Robin Grossweiner, who is already drunk at 10 in the morning. “The government should just get off my... back.” The sot abruptly falls down.

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Kingdom of The Dalatian Republic
Edited by Lenyo

[Zwangzug]

589: To Boldly Go?

As the government prepares for its latest budget, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Agency is looking for direction from you. Petitioners have been transported to your office to present their ideas.

1. “We should seek out new life and new civilisation,” implores William Kirk, an elderly utopian SF author and astronomer. “There are trillions of stars, and it’s mad to believe Earth alone harbours intelligence. There might be alien green-skinned lovelies, just waiting for contact with a real man. We need telescopes and exploration probes, aimed at the second star to the right, and straight on till morning. Show some enterprise. See what’s out there... That-away.”

2. “They call it a space race, but being first at any cost is not always the point,” suggests reformist politician Patrick Picard, looking suspiciously at five lightbulbs illuminating the room. “Attend to the small details at the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Agency. Are they assimilating all the men and women needed, in an equal and fair fashion? Sometimes a counsellor can be of as much value as a pilot.” He takes a sip of hot Earl Violet tea. “I may be accused of being overly methodical, but these things matter. Suspend launches for now, and attend to infrastructure. Make it so.”

3. “Space, I regret to say, is a dangerous place,” offers gruff base-commander and part-time gourmet chef Avery Sisko. “It’s not just about science, nor about being an emissary for corporate profits. It’s about security. Near-Earth space is getting crowded, with a multitude of nations seeking absolute dominion. You don’t want the East Lebatuckese to get any further with their space program, do you? Who knows what they’re doing up there with that Sputnak satellite? We need a new kind of space ship, to show our defiance of those agendas. One with guns. Lots of guns.”

4. “Is anyone else here kind of bored?” yells young tearaway William Kirk Jr., revving his motorbike as he rides into your office, in clear contravention of rules and regulations. “We gotta make space exciting again for people, make the old things new again! Not just dry data and lore for tech-geeks, but awesomeness for ordinary people who like explosions, and lens-flared sunsets, and stuff like that. Reboot the Space Agency! Let’s have firework displays, and televised low orbit skydiving and celebrity astronauts with great hair! I dare you to do better!”

Author: Nation of Quebec
Editor: Candlewhisper Archive

(no random names, everything is Star Trek)

[Australian rePublic]

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

The Debate

“NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident Elsa Castro, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Lock up these feckless fools!”

Accept

“Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests Cooper Yew, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, befok naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”

Accept

“I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, Hope Mombota, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

Accept

Dismiss This Issue

Issue by The Gaelic Nation of Oisinistan

Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Ransium]

One of my puppets just got Mesozoic park (issue number 474 I believe), but only options 1 and 2 were available. What happened to options 3 and 4?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

One of my puppets just got Mesozoic park (issue number 474 I believe), but only options 1 and 2 were available. What happened to options 3 and 4?

Be more specific please: name the nation, and the date if you recall. This makes investigation easier.

[Frenequesta]

#590: When Trees Hug Back

The Issue

With a significant portion of deaths in @@NAME@@ stemming from people simply getting lost in the vast wilderness, a debate has commenced on the merit of having such an expansive and bustling environment.

1. “Seriously, the trees are out of control, man,” complains aging hippie @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, while wrapping a warm blanket around his cold feet. “Look, I love Momma Green as much as the next guy, but there are literally trees and foliage everywhere! I can’t even see the street from my house, and this morning I was nearly mauled to death by a pack of saber-toothed @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ when I went on a trek to retrieve my mail. Can’t the government lay off on a few of the environmental regulations and stop declaring anything with leaves a national park? You know, at least let me mow my lawn, man.”

2. Okay, so some people are getting lost in the woods,” remarks Minister of Environmental Affairs @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a bureaucrat so grey she makes pavement look like the Technicolor Dreamcoat. “Don’t blame nature for human error. Give my department some increased funding, and I’ll have the Rangers go out and discreetly mark some safe trails between our major population centers.” She ogles your shriveled potted plants with cold, dead eyes, and says: “You know you’re required by law to water those bi-daily, right?”

3. “Behold! What we are witnessing is the twilight of modern civilization and the grunge of industrialization,” declares aspiring primitivist @@RANDOMNAME@@, clothed solely in a @@ANIMAL@@ pelt, while stretching both arms upward and revealing two miniature valleys of woodland. “I read somewhere that before the emergence of states and industrialism, everyone lived peacefully in small, egalitarian, cohesive societies. We’re almost there again, and to ensure that everyone can truly live and die among the roots and vegetation of nature, we must begin the complete deindustrialization of @@NAME@@. It’ll sound terrible to some, sure, but don’t knock it til you try it.”

4. “Talk about missing the point!” coaxes @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, known biophobe and CEO of all but destitute wood-chipping and mining firm, ‘Tree’s Company, So Mine Your Own Business’. “The rising percentage of people dying in the wilderness is proof that man and nature were never made to interact beyond the shaft of an axe or a shov…” He pauses mid-sentence, face turning wan and frozen at the sight of your potted plant. After regaining his composure, he continues in a high-pitched voice: “Eh, where was I… Yes, that’s it! Abolish all green regulations and spending, and allow the eager lumberjacks and miners of @@NAME@@ to access forest and field so we can fight back and civilize the environment! Trees will always grow back, and surely the hippies at the Ministry of Environmental Affairs can’t demonize a few subterranean rocks being removed?”

Issue by The Socialist Federal Republic of Czechostan
Edited by Gnejs