[ACCEPTED] Beach Day

by **Australian rePublic** » Mon Jul 25, 2016 5:33 am

Another issue by yours truely which avoids hard-coe politics. Any Australian would appreciate this...

I'm not very happy with the title, but want it to be a play with the concept of a snow day

Draft the Seventh

Title
Sick Days for Sick Waves

Description
At the height of an extremely hot summer along the @@DENONYM@@ coast line, many workers have taken multiple 'sick days' to go to the beach, and happened to run into their bosses, who also took ‘sick days’ to go to the beach. Your chief employment analyst has estimated that the economic damage done has been significant, though he says he'll get back to you on exact figures once he recovers from an unexpected bout of period cramps that are keeping him off work.

Validity
Nations with good weather

Options
[option]"We lost a whole summer!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your minister of productivity, adjusting his swimming costume "We can't just shut @@NAME@@ down because it's a bit too hot, our nation would go broke! And don't get me started about the hypocrisy of the managers! It's okay to bum around the beach, but not while being paid! How about we allow the company, rather than the employee to decide when somebody is sick enough to stay home from work, that’ll put an end to these unsolicited beach days
[effect] victims of limb-mauling industrial accidents are told to keep working with their remaining hand

[option]"I'm not a bludger because I take a few sickies," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the offenders "I mean com'on, you can’t ‘spect us to work on bloody scortcha! Maybe you could introduce a law or something that dictates that all places of work close during the summer or something, so that we can go to the beach and not worry ‘bout it”
[effect] sea side cafes are required by law to close during summer

[option]"Why can't we just start working on beaches?" asks @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a twelve-year old who was allowed in because he’s the son of a politician."I mean take the papers, and printers and stuff to the beach and do the work there! Do you like my idea?"
[effect] board shorts have replaced board rooms

[option]"It's going to be pretty tough to stop from calling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. " Instead, let's just gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you. There's skin cancer, sunburn and all sorts of nasty creatures, like sharks. Have you seen the size of their teeth? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."
[effect] citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.

by **Trotterdam** » Mon Jul 25, 2016 1:09 pm

Personally, I'm less concerned about people taking a mere one day off, and more about how they're calling in sick when they're not actually sick to do it. What has happened to our society that blatantly lying is so commonplace and socially acceptable that it doesn't even warrant a mention?

And the hilarious line about the workers and bosses being surprised to see each other (and I would expect both being hypocritically upset at the other's "betrayal") unfortunately doesn't get any further recognition in the issue. Surely there must be some drama potential there.

Australian Republic wrote:Today, the weather has cooled down, but the tempres remain hot.

I just checked. This is not valid spelling, even in Britain (or Australia).

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"We lost a whole day!" Says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your minister of productivity, trying to speak over a booing crowd calling him a "kill-joy".

Lowercase "says" and add a period in the underlined spot.

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"I'm not a bludger because I take one sickie" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of yesturday's offenders.

It's spelled "yesterday", and add a period in the underline spot.

I assume "bludger" is Australian slang? I don't recognize it, but I don't think that's a problem since the approximate meaning is reasonably easy to guess from the context.

Australian Republic wrote:"I mean com'on, it was bloody scorcha! You can't 'spect us to work on a bloody scortcha!

Your spelling is inconsistent.

I would suggest sticking with "scorcha", since the normally-spelled word doesn't have a "t", and it doesn't represent any change in pronounciation.

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"Why can't we just start working on beaches" asks @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a five year who was allowed in because of his cutness.

"Five-year-old" (I assume that's what you mean), "cuteness", and add a period at the underlined spot.

Australian Republic wrote:[effect] business suits outnumber swimming costumes as @@NAME@@'s most popular beach attire

Oh come on, can't they do their work while wearing swimsuits? Or make waterproof business suits as an unconventional swimwear? Or wear a bikini with a necktie?

There's not much point in this option if they can't do actual beach stuff alongside their work.

by **Australian rePublic** » Mon Jul 25, 2016 3:23 pm

Trotterdam wrote:Personally, I'm less concerned about people taking a mere one day off, and more about how they're calling in sick when they're not actually sick to do it. What has happened to our society that blatantly lying is so commonplace and socially acceptable that it doesn't even warrant a mention?

And the hilarious line about the workers and bosses being surprised to see each other (and I would expect both being hypocritically upset at the other's "betrayal") unfortunately doesn't get any further recognition in the issue. Surely there must be some drama potential there.

Australian Republic wrote:Today, the weather has cooled down, but the tempres remain hot.
I just checked. The is not valid spelling, even in Britain (or Australia).

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"We lost a whole day!" Says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your minister of productivity, trying to speak over a booing crowd calling him a "kill-joy".
Lowercase "says" and add a period in the underlined spot.

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"I'm not a bludger because I take one sickie" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of yesturday's offenders.
It's spelled "yesterday", and add a period in the underline spot.

I assume "bludger" is Australian slang? I don't recognize it, but I don't think that's a problem since the approximate meaning is reasonably easy to guess from the context.

Australian Republic wrote:"I mean com'on, it was bloody scorcha! You can't 'spect us to work on a bloody scortcha!
Your spelling is inconsistent.

I would suggest sticking with "scorcha", since the normally-spelled word doesn't have a "t", and it doesn't represent any change in pronounciation.

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"Why can't we just start working on beaches" asks @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a five year who was allowed in because of his cutness.
"Five-year-old" (I assume that's what you mean), "cuteness", and add a period at the underlined spot.

Australian Republic wrote:[effect] business suits outnumber swimming costumes as @@NAME@@'s most popular beach attire
Oh come on, can't they do their work while wearing swimsuits? Or make waterproof business suits as an unconventional swimwear? Or wear a bikini with a necktie?

There's not much point in this option if they can't do actual beach stuff alongside their work.

Noted thanks. Thank you very much. My spelling is shit.
In Australia, this is so common, that the ship has sailed on lying and now it's an issue of productivity. But that's my Aus-centric view, I suppose. Scortcha/socrcha was not made up by me, so I don't decide spelling

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 5:20 am

Bump for second draft

by **Caracasus** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 5:27 am

Hmm. Perhaps a covert manipulation option?

Something like:

"It's going to be pretty tough to get people to stop calling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. "How about we gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you? I mean, there's skin cancer, sunburn and I'm sure that I heard about the lesser spotted @@ANIMAL@@ crab making a reappearance. Have you seen the size of their claws? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."

Effect: citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 5:33 am

Caracasus wrote:Hmm. Perhaps a covert manipulation option?

Something like:

"It's going to be pretty tough to get people to stop calling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. "How about we gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you? I mean, there's skin cancer, sunburn and I'm sure that I heard about the lesser spotted @@ANIMAL@@ crab making a reappearance. Have you seen the size of their claws? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."

Effect: citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.

Instead of, or as well as?

by **Caracasus** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 6:34 am

Australian Republic wrote:
Caracasus wrote:Hmm. Perhaps a covert manipulation option?

Something like:

"It's going to be pretty tough to get people to stop calling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. "How about we gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you? I mean, there's skin cancer, sunburn and I'm sure that I heard about the lesser spotted @@ANIMAL@@ crab making a reappearance. Have you seen the size of their claws? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."

Effect: citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.

Instead of, or as well as?

You've got 3 options, so can't see the harm in adding another...

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 12:22 pm

Caracasus wrote:
Australian Republic wrote:Instead of, or as well as?

You've got 3 options, so can't see the harm in adding another...

Thank you! I'll add it later

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Jul 26, 2016 11:03 pm

bumped for third draft

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Jul 28, 2016 4:51 pm

by **A Humanist Science** » Thu Jul 28, 2016 8:10 pm

Trotterdam wrote:Personally, I'm less concerned about people taking a mere one day off, and more about how they're calling in sick when they're not actually sick to do it. What has happened to our society that blatantly lying is so commonplace and socially acceptable that it doesn't even warrant a mention?

The issue/problem seems trivially easy to fix. The collective bargaining agreement under which I am represented IRL, for example, specifies that employees will provide written evidence from a physician when taking more than 5 consecutive days of sick leave. Management agreed to these terms for obvious reasons, and labor agreed to these terms because it prevents the abuse of benefits which management can (and will!) carefully document and use against labor in the next set of negotiations. Mind, I haven't been doing this union thing very long, but this sort of agreement seems to epitomize common sense. This seems like an obvious issue option, at any rate.

(all I know is, any subordinate of mine I catch giving the boss ammo to use against my benefits is going to get a sabot upside the head.)

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Jul 28, 2016 10:23 pm

A Humanist Science wrote:
Trotterdam wrote:Personally, I'm less concerned about people taking a mere one day off, and more about how they're calling in sick when they're not actually sick to do it. What has happened to our society that blatantly lying is so commonplace and socially acceptable that it doesn't even warrant a mention?

The issue/problem seems trivially easy to fix. The collective bargaining agreement under which I am represented IRL, for example, specifies that employees will provide written evidence from a physician when taking more than 5 consecutive days of sick leave. Management agreed to these terms for obvious reasons, and labor agreed to these terms because it prevents the abuse of benefits which management can (and will!) carefully document and use against labor in the next set of negotiations. Mind, I haven't been doing this union thing very long, but this sort of agreement seems to epitomize common sense. This seems like an obvious issue option, at any rate.

(all I know is, any subordinate of mine I catch giving the boss ammo to use against my benefits is going to get a sabot upside the head.)

I should mention that they either manipulated their doctors or the doctors willing were in on it and lied. Like I said, this is something that happens frequently in Australia, and I don't know which of the two it is. I will add that in. You also raise an interesting point, this should be for nations with universal health care, because going to the doctor would otherwise be too costly. Thank you!

by **Drasnia** » Fri Jul 29, 2016 10:11 pm

I haven't done a proper editing in a while. Alright, suggested changes in red and comments, explanations, questions, etc. in blue.

Title
Beach Day
Some suggestions off the top of my head: Beach Bum-bardment, Sick Days for Sick Waves

Description
On the back end of an extremely hot summer day along the @@DENONYM@@ coast line, many citizens have taken multiple sick days to go to the beach, only to be confronted by their bosses, who also took sick days to go the beach. As has already been pointed out, but I want to drive home, this good line needs to be called back somehow later in the issue. Today, the weather has cooled down, but the tempers remain hot. Having given up on trying to stop the giant of web of lies between doctors, patients and employees, there are various groups gathered in front of your office demanding you address the issue These last two sentences seem overly verbose and a bit repetitious. Can you pare it down some?

Validity
Rich Nations
Nations with good weather
Nations with a national health scheme I can see how this would make sense, but I don't think it's a necessity. Interestingly enough, Issue #299 actually says bad weather causes bigger waves (global warming melting ice caps --> higher sea level).

Options
[option]"We lost a whole summer!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your minister of productivity, ~~wearing board shorts and trying to speak over a booing crowd calling him a "kill-joy".~~ while adjusting his swim trunks/(boardshorts). I don't like the "trying to . . . kill-joy" part, but that's my opinion ~~"I mean w~~We can't just shut @@NAME@@ down because it's a bit too hot~~! The~~- our nation would go broke! This keeps the sound of the sentence practically the same while getting rid of an exclamation mark which seemed a bit to expressive for a minister of productivity. ~~And what about the hypocracy of the managers? They really should set a batter example! If you're too lazy to work because of the weather, that's fine, but why should you get paid?"~~And don't get me started about the hypocrisy of the managers! It's okay to bum around the beach, but not while being paid! I try to avoid rhetorical questions and using the general 'you' in issues.
[effect] offices remain open in temperatures well above 50 degrees Celcius This is so bland, plus it references an RL measurement. I'm not sure if that fits anyways. Maybe talk about how workers now only get to dream about going to the beach.

[option]"I'm not a bludger because I take a few sickies" says @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the offenders "I mean com'on, it was bloody scortcha! You can't 'spect us to work on ~~a bloody scortcha~~o' them! Avoid the repetition of the word. Instead, I opted to use a pronoun while trying to keep the dialect by omitting the f. We work really hard all year/ ~~and take few days off, because the weather was nice enough to go the beach. What's wrong with that? I mean we are entitled to days off, right~~ Surely we're entitled a few days off!"
[effect] sea side cafes are closed when the weather is warm enough to go to the beach I would think sea side cafes would get an increase of customers when everybody's at the beach.

[option]"Why can't we just start working on beaches" asks @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a five-year-old who was allowed in because of his cuteness I don't like this, but, once again, that's just my opinion."I mean take the papers, and printers and stuff to the beach and do the work there! Do you like my idea?" I still don't think the kid sounds like he's only 5 still. Either change his age or add some stuff to this much shorter option to help sell the idea
[effect] business people wear swimming costumes to work I thought of a clever effect line: board shorts have replaced board rooms (that's why I suggested using swim trunks instead earlier in the draft.

Option by Caracasus
[option]"It's going to be pretty tough to~~get people to~~ stop fromcalling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. "~~How about we~~ Instead, let's just gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you?. ~~I mean, t~~There's skin cancer, sunburn and~~I'm sure that I heard about the lesser spotted @@ANIMAL@@ crab making a reappearance.~~ all sorts of nasty creatures, like sharks. Have you seen the size of their ~~claws~~teeth? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."
[effect] citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.

Some of these suggestions and changes are merely stylistic, so don't feel obligated to changing everything I said to. I hope this helps

by **Australian rePublic** » Sat Jul 30, 2016 1:37 am

Okay, so the fifth draft is up, using some of your suggestions:

Drasnia wrote:
Title
Beach Day
Some suggestions off the top of my head: Beach Bum-bardment, Sick Days for Sick Waves

I like it, but I still want to play on the idea of a snow day (you know, when the schools close because there is too much snow)

Description
On the back end of an extremely hot summer day along the @@DENONYM@@ coast line, many citizens have taken multiple sick days to go to the beach, only to be confronted by their bosses, who also took sick days to go the beach. As has already been pointed out, but I want to drive home, this good line needs to be called back somehow later in the issue. Today, the weather has cooled down, but the tempers remain hot. Having given up on trying to stop the giant of web of lies between doctors, patients and employees, there are various groups gathered in front of your office demanding you address the issue These last two sentences seem overly verbose and a bit repetitious. Can you pare it down some?
I couldn't find where to add it in the issue

Thanks!

Validity
Rich Nations
Nations with good weather
Nations with a national health scheme I can see how this would make sense, but I don't think it's a necessity. Interestingly enough, Issue #299 actually says bad weather causes bigger waves (global warming melting ice caps --> higher sea level).

National health scheme because they don't want to pay the doctors

Options
[option]"We lost a whole summer!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your minister of productivity, ~~wearing board shorts and trying to speak over a booing crowd calling him a "kill-joy".~~ while adjusting his swim trunks/(boardshorts). I don't like the "trying to . . . kill-joy" part, but that's my opinion ~~"I mean w~~We can't just shut @@NAME@@ down because it's a bit too hot~~! The~~- our nation would go broke! This keeps the sound of the sentence practically the same while getting rid of an exclamation mark which seemed a bit to expressive for a minister of productivity. ~~And what about the hypocracy of the managers? They really should set a batter example! If you're too lazy to work because of the weather, that's fine, but why should you get paid?"~~And don't get me started about the hypocrisy of the managers! It's okay to bum around the beach, but not while being paid! I try to avoid rhetorical questions and using the general 'you' in issues.
[effect] offices remain open in temperatures well above 50 degrees Celcius This is so bland, plus it references an RL measurement. I'm not sure if that fits anyways. Maybe talk about how workers now only get to dream about going to the beach.

I took all your suggestions, except, the kill-joy. I liked the kill joy

[effect] sea side cafes are closed when the weather is warm enough to go to the beach I would think sea side cafes would get an increase of customers when everybody's at the beach.

[/quote]
Yep, that's the joke, because the waiters, bartenders etc. don't want to work either. How can I make THAT part more obvious?

[option]"Why can't we just start working on beaches" asks @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a five-year-old who was allowed in because of his cuteness I don't like this, but, once again, that's just my opinion."I mean take the papers, and printers and stuff to the beach and do the work there! Do you like my idea?" I still don't think the kid sounds like he's only 5 still. Either change his age or add some stuff to this much shorter option to help sell the idea
[effect] business people wear swimming costumes to work I thought of a clever effect line: board shorts have replaced board rooms (that's why I suggested using swim trunks instead earlier in the draft.

Made him a twelve year old

Option by Caracasus
[option]"It's going to be pretty tough to~~get people to~~ stop fromcalling in sick" notes your Minister for Creative Solutions, sipping a banana daiquiri. "~~How about we~~ Instead, let's just gently remind people that too much sunshine and fun at the beach can be bad for you?. ~~I mean, t~~There's skin cancer, sunburn and~~I'm sure that I heard about the lesser spotted @@ANIMAL@@ crab making a reappearance.~~ all sorts of nasty creatures, like sharks. Have you seen the size of their ~~claws~~teeth? They'll give you a nasty nip. I'll start drafting up some press releases right away..."
[effect] citizens are morbidly afraid of the sun.Some of these suggestions and changes are merely stylistic, so don't feel obligated to changing everything I said to. I hope this helps

[/quote]
Thank You!

by **Trotterdam** » Sat Jul 30, 2016 10:13 am

Australian Republic wrote:[option]"We lost a whole summer!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your minister of productivity, adjusting his swimming costume We can't just shut @@NAME@@ down because it's a bit too hot, our nation would go broke! This keeps the sound of the sentence practically the same while getting rid of an exclamation mark which seemed a bit to expressive for a minister of productivity. And don't get me started about the hypocrisy of the managers! It's okay to bum around the beach, but not while being paid!

This is why you do not put comments inside the quoted text.

by **Australian rePublic** » Sat Jul 30, 2016 4:21 pm

Trotterdam wrote:
Australian Republic wrote:[option]"We lost a whole summer!" says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your minister of productivity, adjusting his swimming costume We can't just shut @@NAME@@ down because it's a bit too hot, our nation would go broke! This keeps the sound of the sentence practically the same while getting rid of an exclamation mark which seemed a bit to expressive for a minister of productivity. And don't get me started about the hypocrisy of the managers! It's okay to bum around the beach, but not while being paid!
This is why you do not put comments inside the quoted text.

Facepalm. Thanks

by **Australian rePublic** » Mon Aug 01, 2016 2:09 am

No further feedback?

by **Katalaysia** » Tue Aug 02, 2016 6:54 am

I'd change the wording in the third option to be "the twelve year old son of a politician, in the office for take your child to work day", or something similar.

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:09 pm

Katalaysia wrote:I'd change the wording in the third option to be "the twelve year old son of a politician, in the office for take your child to work day", or something similar.

I wanted to write something to reflect Australian culture, but at the same time be universal, and bring your child to work day is not something we really have, we just bring our kids whenever we feel like it. But if this is something you think needs to be added, I will add it

by **Katalaysia** » Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:20 pm

I didn't mean it had to be that specifically, I just thought it didn't flow very well as it currently was. I don't even know why I suggested it, we don't have it in the UK either.

by **Australian rePublic** » Thu Aug 04, 2016 4:22 pm

Katalaysia wrote:I didn't mean it had to be that specifically, I just thought it didn't flow very well as it currently was. I don't even know why I suggested it, we don't have it in the UK either.

Yea, I guess I could change it

by **Australian rePublic** » Sun Aug 07, 2016 2:27 pm

by **Australian rePublic** » Tue Aug 09, 2016 8:00 pm

by **Candlewhisper Archive** » Wed Aug 10, 2016 12:56 am

Been toying with the idea of a sick days issue myself, but couldn't find a way to make it entertaining. Congratulations on doing so.

My issue idea was more or less:

Sick days are costing the economy a lot.
1 - People are most likely to go off sick when they are unhappy at work or low-paid. Make it mandatory for employers to provide perks and benefits, and legislate to improve working conditions and hours.
- workers come into the office on their vacation time to use the staff saunas
2 - Doctors would like to say no to signing people off work because they fear complaints. Automatically dismiss any complaint against doctors that hasn't resulted in a risk to health or life.
- doctors are known to be especially rude and abrasive
3 - Take time sick if you like, but employers don't have to pay someone unless they are there working.
- poorer people must go to work 365 days a year to make ends meet
4- Catch 'em out. Put undercover policemen whose sole role is to find people who are cheating the system
- failing to moan loudly when you have a backache is likely to result in accusations of faking it

As I said, I never got any further than that outline, because I couldn't find a way to make it funny. I love that you've managed to do so, and these are just thoughts I'm throwing out there, not suggestions for a new structure.

by **Australian rePublic** » Wed Aug 10, 2016 4:18 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Been toying with the idea of a sick days issue myself, but couldn't find a way to make it entertaining. Congratulations on doing so.

My issue idea was more or less:

Sick days are costing the economy a lot.
1 - People are most likely to go off sick when they are unhappy at work or low-paid. Make it mandatory for employers to provide perks and benefits, and legislate to improve working conditions and hours.
- workers come into the office on their vacation time to use the staff saunas
2 - Doctors would like to say no to signing people off work because they fear complaints. Automatically dismiss any complaint against doctors that hasn't resulted in a risk to health or life.
- doctors are known to be especially rude and abrasive
3 - Take time sick if you like, but employers don't have to pay someone unless they are there working.
- poorer people must go to work 365 days a year to make ends meet
4- Catch 'em out. Put undercover policemen whose sole role is to find people who are cheating the system
- failing to moan loudly when you have a backache is likely to result in accusations of faking it

As I said, I never got any further than that outline, because I couldn't find a way to make it funny. I love that you've managed to do so, and these are just thoughts I'm throwing out there, not suggestions for a new structure.

How can I incorporate any of those into my draft?

[ACCEPTED] Beach Day

[ACCEPTED] Beach Day

Who is online