Adopt a Blobfish!

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

The government is currently plastering advertisements everywhere in order to encourage the citizens of Unpredictable Galaxy to adopt a Blobfish. The advertising has gone so far that a handful of citizens have even tattooed the adverts onto their backs and walked around shirtless. Dictator Vegemite LV commented on this after being given an older Blobfish.

"Can you not see the cuteness in this jiggly bastard?" He shouted as he held up the animal.

"This is glorious! Nothing could ever influence me to give it away- ow! The jiggly bastard just bit me! Is that how you want to play this, eh, you rejected Pokemon?" Dictator Vegemite LV's face grew red as he pulled out a pistol and aimed it at the creature.

"Sir, please wait!" Owner of the Blobfish Adoption Center Angela Wicker ran up and pulled the gun away from him. "The creature has had a hard life with its previous owner and is simply not trained well; it's not its fault!"

Dictator Vegemite LV put the gun away and stared directly into the eyes of the Blobfish. "Listen here, you expired jello, I don't like you and you don't like me, but we gotta live with each other for the sake of our citizens. I'm going to give you a makeover and make you my left hand man. My right hand is currently occupied holding you, so it only makes sense." It was at this time Dictator Vegemite LV took off from the stage with the old Blobfish and ran into the nearest barber shop.

When he left the building, he raised the Blobfish into the air above his head and began talking. "Behold! The new and improved Blobfish!

You can clearly tell now that it is of most importance to adopt these sophisticated creatures in order to improve the quality of our citizens tenfold!" Cheers arose from a few people on the streets passing by, which made Dictator Vegemite LV choke up emotionally. "Thank you, thank you. Now if you excuse me, I need to bring this cheese curd with eyes back into my house in order to make it dictator of Blobfishes!" He said as he walked down the street towards the capital building.

---

Note: This is already in the nation's factbook; this is merely a public statement for it. Hope you enjoyed!

[Olwe]

Can anyone who wants to come along and adopt a blobfish, or is this just for your citizens? Because Olweans think blobfish are awesome.

[British West Zuzunia]

How do these fishes taste?

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

Can anyone who wants to come along and adopt a blobfish, or is this just for your citizens? Because Olweans think blobfish are awesome.

"Oho, we have troves and troves of them! How would you like them to be transported? Air cannon? Catapault? A Blobfish sled? They are open for all countries!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

How do these fishes taste?

"I... I don't know. One moment.

Good God! It might as well be the epitome of EXPIRED JELLO! Get rid of this horrific excuse for a gelatinous substance immediately!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

"Do not be too hasty here, sir. Remember that we are giving them away almost for free." -Angela Wicker

"FREE?! What the actual hell, I was expecting at least real jello in return. That's it. WE GO TO WAR WITH THE BLOBFISH! WHERE'S MY NAVY?!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

[Purpelia]

What kind of behavior can one expect from these... things? Are they ill natured? Friendly? How well do they react to being poked, prodded and ... people trying to have sex with them? Focus on #3 mostly.

Also, do they contain any teeth, claws, toxins or any other way of fighting back against human abuse?

Also, how fast do they breed? And what are their primary biological requirements (food, are they cold blooded etc.)

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

What kind of behavior can one expect from these... things? Are they ill natured? Friendly? How well do they react to being poked, prodded and ... people trying to have sex with them? Focus on #3 mostly.

Also, do they contain any teeth, claws, toxins or any other way of fighting back against human abuse?

Also, how fast do they breed? And what are their primary biological requirements (food, are they cold blooded etc.)

"Oh they just LOVE to be prodded and poked! Isn't that right, Dictator Jiggly I? Yes you do- OW! You... you bit me... why? I mean, you don't even have teeth, and I may or may not have shoved my hand into your mouth to act like you bit me, but we're going to disregard that. They are quite friendly and actually are kind of lazy, which makes them perfect to bathe with... not that I've ever done that. No, nobody has sex with them; even I am not THAT ridiculous.

They do not have way of fighting back against human abuse; why do you ask? Were you planning on neglecting them? HUH?! YOU WANT TO TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!? YOU HAVEN'T SEEN MY WRATH YET!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

"Sir, calm down, please. He's simply asking questions so that the citizens of their country would not be harmed by our national animal." -Leading Constituent of Animal Resources

"Right, right... where was I? Breeding? Oh, well, I mean I saw my Blobfish slide onto a half eaten corn dog I had lying around; does that count? Wait, these things have babies? Hahah, I bet their eggs look like jello cubes... thousands of them..." -Dictator Vegemite LV

"What the dictator is trying to say is they are peaceful creatures with a blatantly lazy attitude. They eat mollusks and urchins on the sea floor and can sometimes literally wait for the food to come to them. I assume they don't appreciate being harassed blatantly, but they don't have any mechanisms to harm humans like you've asked. They are saltwater creatures that lay hundreds or thousands of eggs and the females stay with them. They require to be constantly in water, otherwise they will dry out and die. They certainly are delightful creatures that fit into our nation perfectly, honestly." -Leading Constituent of Animal Resources

[Purpelia]

Hundreds of thousands of eggs... That sounds like it could be a problem if one or more breeding couples got out into the wild and started tribbling on the ecosystem. But at least they don't have the tools to fight back which should make them easy picking for hunters and the odd predatory dodo.

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

Hundreds of thousands of eggs... That sounds like it could be a problem if one or more breeding couples got out into the wild and started tribbling on the ecosystem. But at least they don't have the tools to fight back which should make them easy picking for hunters and the odd predatory dodo.

"Wha- how could you- HOW DARE YOU!! Forget the Blobfish war, I'm declaring war on YOU!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

"Sir, please quit threatening other countries, we know how infamous someone like- I can't even utter the name. Just let me do the talking for a moment. As far as eggs are concerned, I mean hundreds or thousands, not of thousands, so there is no need to worry about extreme overpopulation. As far as hunting, if your animals are capable of deep water hunting, then it should be okay in controlling the population. If you would like to fill out a Telegram for the adoption of Blobfish, please do so and we can work it out." -Leading Constituent of Animal Resources

[Purpelia]

If they are capable? I'll have you know that the predatory Purpelian dodo bird is capable of hunting in any environment and for any pray. The things have been known to take down stuff as large as small deer. If the bloody things ever figure out how to hunt in packs gods help us.

[Olwe]

"Oho, we have troves and troves of them! How would you like them to be transported? Air cannon? Catapault? A Blobfish sled? They are open for all countries!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

We can teleport them in. We just didn't want to do it without your permission. - Minister Of Nature Freyalise Gunnarson

[The Imperium Empires]

I'll take them all- Emperor Shan

( activate the incinerator )

[Rodrania]

Can these "Blobfishes" be used as weapons of mass-destruction against the western pig-dog menace?

[The Imperium Empires]

Can they be turned into suicide bombs

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

Can they be turned into suicide bombs

"We're... okay not doing business. Psst, Animal Resources guy, is this who-can't-be-named?" -Dictator Vegemite LV

"Yes, however don't say it so loudly, he might hear us..." -Leading Constituent of Animal Resources

We can teleport them in. We just didn't want to do it without your permission. - Minister Of Nature Freyalise Gunnarson

"Then by all means, whisk them away! Just sign here, here, here, and here, tattoo my name under your ear, and I'll need a sample of your hair for recreational purposes." -Dictator Vegemite LV

Can these "Blobfishes" be used as weapons of mass-destruction against the western pig-dog menace?

"Ahahahahah! How amusing. Yes, they can! We shoot them out of air cannons all the time and I've personally sent two people to the hospital for Blobfish related impacts. It's a common tradition in our society, and the air cannons and impact don't hurt them one bit. Sure, I may have taped a switchblade to one and it may have stabbed a guy in the arm, but that's just the price of entertainment." -Dictator Vegemite LV

[Fatatatutti]

We're adding Blobfish to our list of potential names for Fish-class submarines. And if your blobfishes can act, they can probably find careers in Fatatatutti's film industry.

[Eclius]

Another really random post......

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

We're adding Blobfish to our list of potential names for Fish-class submarines. And if your blobfishes can act, they can probably find careers in Fatatatutti's film industry.

"Wonderful! I am glad that these cute gelatin-based creatures could charm you into its way of your country. And as far as acting, they can fit many roles. There are the two that are provided originally, and then here's a few more:

A religious figure like Jesus.

A pimp/rapper/rich jerk.

An aged father.

Or even a human that is equally made of expired jello (I mean, just look at that skin!).

So when can I get paid?"-Dictator Vegemite LV

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

"Clearly the Blobfish has become quite a step forward in changing country's and their environmental diversity. Who wants a lazy pile of dough to be in their oceans next?!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

[Fatatatutti]

News Bulletin: Rumour has it that a blobfish has been signed to play the villain in the next installment of the Mr. Quackers movie franchise.

[United Territories and States]

Well they certainly live up to the name of "Unpredictable Galaxy".

[TURTLESHROOM II]

{OOC: This is one of the best FNI thread's I've ever seen. I demand this be added to the Archive Thread.}

IC:

Code: Select all

!
General Long II, currently in command of TurtleShroom by a military coup d'etat, would like to adopt a blobfish for the second, empty, smaller saltwater aquarium in the Chancellary Palace that he has currently occupied. He has the means to import a pressurizer for the blobfish to ensure its survival.'

Since you are practically giving them away, we hope that we can take one of your hands without charge, but we are willing to pay up to four thousand Skillets ($1000 USD) for its importation.

We expect to receive the blobfish intact, pressurized, and alive.

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

{OOC: This is one of the best FNI thread's I've ever seen. I demand this be added to the Archive Thread.}

IC:

Code: Select all

!
General Long II, currently in command of TurtleShroom by a military coup d'etat, would like to adopt a blobfish for the second, empty, smaller saltwater aquarium in the Chancellary Palace that he has currently occupied. He has the means to import a pressurizer for the blobfish to ensure its survival.'

Since you are practically giving them away, we hope that we can take one of your hands without charge, but we are willing to pay up to four thousand Skillets ($1000 USD) for its importation.

We expect to receive the blobfish intact, pressurized, and alive.

(I have no idea what the Archive Thread is nor its purpose ((other than archiving)) but I take it as a compliment, thank you!)

"Pressurized? These guys basically LIVE in pressure, being so deep in the ocean, which is damn hard to do in my own bath tub! That's how they got so gelatinous in the first place! Yes, here you go, all for free! Be sure to water them 24 hours a day OR THEY DIE and feed it plenty of urchins. They are very lovable creatures, aren't you Dictator Jiggly I? You've only oppressed half your species so far!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

[Danceria]

The Thane of Danceria would picked up the gelationous and top-hatted blob of...something, uncertain how he feels about it. "What...do these fishes...do?" he uncomfortably listens to it squeak(?) cutely.

[Unpredictable Galaxy]

The Thane of Danceria would picked up the gelationous and top-hatted blob of...something, uncertain how he feels about it. "What...do these fishes...do?" he uncomfortably listens to it squeak(?) cutely.

"They're lazy. We have hundreds kind of just laying in the street, unmoving and occasionally consume any barnacles that may spawn near the coastlines. I personally feed Dictator Jiggly I by throwing him into the ocean and let him float around for a few days to eat. If you want a pet that reminds you of that one time you got food poisoning, here's your fish!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

[Danceria]

The Thane of Danceria would picked up the gelationous and top-hatted blob of...something, uncertain how he feels about it. "What...do these fishes...do?" he uncomfortably listens to it squeak(?) cutely.

"They're lazy. We have hundreds kind of just laying in the street, unmoving and occasionally consume any barnacles that may spawn near the coastlines. I personally feed Dictator Jiggly I by throwing him into the ocean and let him float around for a few days to eat. If you want a pet that reminds you of that one time you got food poisoning, here's your fish!" -Dictator Vegemite LV

The young Thane looked at the fish with lazy leaf green eyes "Maybe some ships could use 'em. Or the people monitoring the Medditeranis Nova Bridges..."