Gnu Linuxia War [Now Closed]

[Ethalor]

(Uyamon is the port city in Gnu Linuxia that I had captured earlier. The GLA, controlled by Star of the Queens, just attacked it with a nuke. I countered with an anti-ballistic missile. Well...three of them, to be precise.

In any case, any opinion on the name for our little alliance?)

OOC: The Emergency Alliance. I'm not sure but let's say that was the Port City Ethalor was about to take.
IC:
General Smith took a long look at the captured city.
"Beautiful isn't it?" He said to a low ranking officer who was standing with him.
The officer looked puzzled. After a Moment of contemplation he said, "Yes, Sir."
The troops hadn't taken as much damage as Smith had thought they would. Indeed without the Papal, the costs would have been great. They were definitely a force to be reckoned with. He would have to remember to thank them personally one day.
"Come on, let's go for a walk." The General said.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
A five man squad of Etar, the most heavily trained and funded Special Forces Ethalor had to offer moved slowly through the brush. They were on a mission to scout the Capital City. Moving barely beyond the tree-line, he pulled out a small, military grade camera.
He took a few pictures, mostly of places of military significance. He then silently sinked back into the brush, undetected.

[The Star of the Queens]

OOC: Please use the OOC thread from now on if you are posting OOC information. Keep this topic clean from OFF!
ON:
Meanwhile at the Terrorist High Command
- Status report, Hack!
- We are struggling against the Papal Supercomputer, we haven't breached its firewalls yet, but we are very close.
- Economy
- They didn't notice a thing, even the turtles. Our funds are rolling in like heaven. We could continue the war for hundreds of years if it depended only on cash.
- Nukes
- Our nuke attack on the Linuxian spearhead failed. Our agents there reported that they seen a fireball high up in the air. They probably carried their anti-nukes with them.
- I have a solution.
- What is it, Bombs?
- We still have some troops there, and some bombs. We could easily make them suicide bombers.
- Make it so. The bombs could be equipped with a dead man switch, so they could cause havoc even if they are discovered.
- So we only have to wait for how the reinforcements in Linuxia help the war.

---

At the GNU/Linuxian border, in the Papal blockade.
The helicopters ran into the papal blockade. They didn't even try to appeal the turning back, they fought the blockade until they ran out of ammo, or the helicopters ran short of fuel. Any terrorist helicopter incapable of continuing the fight would start a kamikaze attack against anything (they could run into groups of enemy helicopters or fall onto ships). If some helicopters had the opportunity to run across the blockade, they would jump at the chance immediately.
Casualties will be posted in the next reply after the Papal reaction.

---

In GNU/Linuxia
The unarmed terrorists who were refused to join the Militia head for the freshly-purchased AA trucks to man them and help the open-source country wherever it had to stand against an enemy air attack. 100 terrorists made makeshift nailed bombs, strapped them on themselves, and equipped them with a dead man switch. If the switch was dropped, or the terrorist's pulse cannot be sensed by a modified commercial pulse monitor watch, the bomb will immediately go off. And to be fail-safe, at the start of the mission, they also initiated a timer of one and a half hour. These 100 suicide terrorists at night tried to get into the enemy base as deep as they could. Their main targets were areas with high troop concentration. If they could, they also try to disable any ABMs they could find.
100 unarmed Terrorists swapped for 100 Suicide Terrorists
10x Truck mounted FlaK 41 entered service on the side of the Terrorists, 40 unarmed Terrorists were used to man them.
100x Suicide Terrorists KIA

---

Secret Nuke base
- We have targets laying around, and enough heavy water to bath in it. Why wouldn't we increase nuke production?
- We could stockpile nukes, but we couldn't launch them. We need more launch platforms.
- Then it's time to dig a deep tunnel somewhere. It should be at least 2 km long, and is to be collapsed easily should an enemy infiltrate any of our bases. On the other side there should be an auxillary base to launch, but not produce missiles. Metal could be stolen as usual, from the nearest scrap yard.
- Yes sir! Workers, let's dig.
Then the commander written in the new launch coordinates, and the target now was the Papal States' capital city. Then a missile started its long journey there.
WIP on new Terrorist Launch platform.
A completed Launch platform increases nuke production capacity by 1/turn and nuke launch capacity by 1/turn.
Will be completed in 10 posts.

---

Hacker activity
Meanwhile the hackers were successful in reinforcing BOINC against tampering, halting, deleting, and renaming, and making it capable to load a computer. They also injected code from the cpuburn virus, so any processor cores infected by it would be using its full capability, it would draw all the available power, and load the heating system at 150% of its TDP. They tested it on a spare computer which reached 100 GFlops peak, then boiled its water cooling system, and burned the PSU in 10 minutes. The most advanced hackers now tried to break down the Papal supercomputers' firewall, and install the community computing virus on it.
They were now also advertising the war on open-source websites. They needed coders badly for the multi-front electronic war, so they recruited anyone willing to fight from home against the anti-Linuxians. Meanwhile some hackers were busy with defending the banks Economy marked for them, and thanks to low security in TurtleShroom, they have written a virus which will clog the 56kbps modem line for them for all eternity, so the hackers tasked with it could contain the Papal satellites. Also the satellites which were routed through main Terrorists servers allowed to see what Papal satellites could see.
They also informed any terrorist to assemble at one point of the Papal blockade. Terrorists all over the world then grabbed their weapons and head for GNU/Linuxia.
Inbound reinforcements: The remaining Terrorist force will siege the NPS blockade in 2 posts.
1,200 Hackers captured as North Papal States POWs

[Ethalor]

Also having ships in the water, Ethalor deployed fighters to fight the helicopters. They moved to intercept, and stop any casualties. Any helicopters managing to run the bloackade were chased down and hunted. No one could escape the wrath of Ethalor new S-33 Dragon Superiority Fighter Plane. 50 planes streaked over the water, chasing any enemy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Commander James Wolfe looked down at the TurtleShroom base camp. He was leading the 10 helicopters and 300 men sent to train them. He didn't have disdain for them or anything but... Ethalor had never really had any relations with them. They were strange to him, but any help they could get would be welcomed with open arms. They couldn't fight a military, and his job was to show them how. The helicopter set down on the ground. Wolfe took a deep breath, and stepped out.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Get in! Get In! Where's that tank?! Sniper!" Sergeant Hartman yelled, as he shot at a line of troopers.
They were attacking the Military Airport, and the enemy was giving them an inch. He was close to the Command at the airport and taking it out would end any chance of resistance. He didn't hear the Sniper again.
Must be dead. Thank God! he yelled in his mind as he saw the tank come into view.
"Grenade!" he yelled, rolling away.
He just hoped he would come out alive.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
General Smith sat in the control room of a Navy ship. It was unusually quiet. Most of the time someone yelled, or sirens blared, but not now. It was good. This moment of peace didn't last long though, for he yelled, "Send a message to High Command. We need reinforcements. Anything we can get. While their on transit, i'll personally lead the march to the capital. Officer Doe! You're coming with me."
He was referring of course to the Officer from before. He was a new recruit, never seen battle before. Although low ranking, Smith saw a lot of himself in the young man. Plus he made good conversation.
I'll have to get him a few promotions when this is all over.

[Ethalor]

(Anyone?)

[The North Papal States]

(I think I'm holding things up. But I can't post anything near long enough right now. Got too much school crap. I'll post tomorrow.)

[Gnu Linuxia]

(OOC: Same with me, expect more sometime tomorrow. Right now I am really busy.)

[Gnu Linuxia]

Gnu Linuxian forces are moving, once again putting themselves in battle positions. There has been news of millions of foreign soldiers landing to reinforce the enemy, though Gnu Linuxia is getting help of its' own through Grantanata. Linuxian aircraft are now pounding enemy positions, but are suffering extremely heavy losses. Currently they wait for the inevitably apocalyptic battles.


Cyber War
Gnu Linuxia's army of hackers is currently beginning operations. Independent programmers (and even millions of excited script-kiddies) are being dispatched to break into enemy computer systems and cause economic damage.

[The North Papal States]

One nuke after another. The terrorists were relentless. If they hit the capital...it wouldn't be rebuilt again. Already the radiation scrubbers had trouble. Another strike, and the city would be hot enough to fry an egg.

The question was...should it be evacuated? Not "could" it be evacuated; "should" it. Their were long-developed evacuation protocols in every major city, and the nuke seemed to be coming through an even longer route across the Banished States, to avoid the other developed Vexxian nations' own ABM systems. He had at least an hour's warning. But if the nukes were stopped at the border, before they even came near the Papal States, or any cities, then it would merely serve to frighten the populace.

A frightened populace meant a weaker economy, and a weaker economy meant a weaker war.

But then, if the nuke hit, and the city wasn't evacuated...Jacob knew he would be worse than fired. He'd be thrown to the mobs. And the country would almost certainly try to appease the GLF, rather than fight them. They had had enough of nuclear weapons.

The final plan came to Jacob in a shock. It was devious. And costly. But it could bring the war to a hasty end.

He only hesitated only momentarily. Then he gave the orders.
----

"This is Papal Emergency Broadcast 1."

The streets were quiet. Their only inhabitants were dust, and sirens on the far horizon.

"Repeat, this is Papal Emergency Broadcast number one."

Meals lay half-eaten at tables. Rows of cars, stuck in traffic, lay abandoned. A fire hydrant, broken by a car, slowly gushed out water, flooding the street, but not a soul moved to stop it.

"A nuclear device is enroute to the city."

Doors swayed open, left unlocked in haste. Vermin; stray animals, rats, and all the wretched creatures of the city poked their noses outside their holes. It was the silence of night, the protection of night, but during the middle of the day.

"Impact is estimated in approximately..."

And a second sun appeared that day to the streets of the city, brighter than the first, yet filled with all the darkness of man's heart.
----

One by one, television screens flickered on. What was on, switched to one channel. And for the first time in the history of the nation, in all its long conflicts with itself, one appeared to speak to his countrymen who was not the Pope.

"My name is Papal Supreme Commander Jacob Clermont. I...I'll get right to the heart of the matter. Today, a disaster we have not seen since the Banished Wars has befallen our great land. A nuclear device has been detonated, and it has destroyed New Rome utterly."

(OOC:Song.)

Jacob Clermont paused in silence, staring away from the camera.

People sat in shock. Some were crying. Most simply did not know what to do, where to go, and gazed at the ground with a dead-eyed look. They had emerged from a time so rife with turmoil the life expectancy was in the thirties. They had grown as a nation, from a barbaric war-machine to a righteous dispenser of justice. And yet, still, they had been attacked with nuclear weapons.

"Initial casualty reports are in the hundreds of thousands; we saw the missiles coming far too late. Fifteen minutes is not time enough to evacuate a city."

Jacob's voice grew hard, and his eyes displayed the look-of-eagles.

"But we are not defeated. We shall never be defeated. We shall stand at the precipice of destruction and defeat, and we shall turn the tide of our enemies, if it costs us everything we have!"

A few people looked up, the conviction in Jacob's voice arousing their curiosity, if nothing more.

"We cannot yield! For if we yield, more and more lives will be lost! Our enemies will march where they please, do as they please, and what few Papalists survive the onslaught will live in an era of terror and disgrace."

Jacob began to shout now, and he had the rapt attention of all the people's of the Papal States.

"I have heard a saying; 'better to be a live dog than a dead lion.' But I say to you, if you were truly a lion, you would not die! If you are truly a dog, you must!

So I ask you, people of the Papal States! Brothers and sisters, fathers and mothers, sons and daughters, will you yield? Will we yield!?"

"NO!" the people answered.

"Then for the future, for humanity, and for the Papal States, fight, until our last enemy lies gasping in his grave!"

And the people cheered, and the riots slowed, and the looting stopped. And the Papal States fought.
----

Several armed Seraphim marched into the bank, walking up towards the server room. By the time they reached the door, the bank's manager had blocked it off with his prodigious body.

"What do you think your are doing!" he sputtered, his face reddening.

"Protocol One sir, we're seizing your supercomputer for the state."

"Protocol One!?" The bank manager said.

"Yessir. I think you ought to watch some more news. Don't worry though, the government will reimburse you." The Seraphim pulled out a piece of paper, wrote a number on it, and handed it to the manager. He was certain there was an extra zero, but he declined to mention it. He even, mostly, kept his eyes from bugging out of his head.

"Yes, that will be acceptable." he said, walking away while Seraphim, complete with laptops, rushed inside. Similar developments occurred across the country.
----

In response to the Linuxian internet-based attack, the Papal States has begun to seek out and cut more transoceanic internet cables, seeking to disable the connection from Linuxia to the Papal States.
----

Satellites picked out enemy blockade runners. Where there was force nearby sufficient enough to destroy them, it was gathered. Where there was not force sufficient enough, they were let through, and jet fighters sent after them. Casualties remained relatively low.
---

Fifteen hundred Papal soldiers were killed in the suicide bombing attack, including at least twenty Orphanim tanks, and numerous supply depots. While all non-Papalist soldiers and civilians were technically supposed to be shot-on-sight within the boundaries of Uyamon, the soldiers hesitated to risk unnecessary killing of possible civilians. Their mercy cost them dearly as security outposts were overrun, and the terrorists charged into the base. In the end, as soldiers fled deeper into the base, anti-personnel helicopters eventually destroyed the remaining terrorists far out of their range.

In response, patrols were stepped up, and any buildings which allowed for the enemy to seek cover, yet were reasonably easily destroyed, were demolished. But the fiasco was a small embarrassment to the Papal Exercitus.
---

Troops continue to be deployed in Oyamon, reaching approximately one million infantry, with nearly one hundred thousand soldiers deposited daily. On the homefront, volunteers for the military have reached record numbers after the bombing of New Rome, forcing the government to turn applications down to allow for weapon manufacturing and training facilities to cope with the influx of new personnel.

[Gnu Linuxia]

(OOC: Oh my God... things have definitely gotten out of hand.)

Erbe Offensive
Gnu Linuxian forces are launching a massive offensive against Papal and aligned forces in and around the city of Uyamon. The offensive, named after its mastermind, General Herman Erbe, is a combined arms operation totaling 1 and a half million men, 5,000 tanks, 2,000 aircraft, and 4,000 artillery guns. Linuxian forces are reacting to the massive Papalist buildup around the city of Uyamon and its suburbs and surrounding countryside.

[TurtleShroom]

Soldiers on the TS non-combative front were feverishly working at their cubicles to download the Linuxian plans, with minor success. Primarily, this was because of the speed of the TurtleShroomer infrastructure.

The soldiers had obtaiend and printed the plans to the Bomb, the airplanes, a nuclear missile, and one third of their tank designs. With modern equipment, the country could have the entire nation's data on theres, but dial-up doesn't work like that.


"Consarn it!" a turtle soldier shouted, "I'm a turtle and I am getting impatient!"

The dial-up modems continued to whir, and some even overheated. Never in the history of the country had the Internet cables been used this much. Like tubes, the TS infrastructure was clogged to the point of the government using its powers of Eminent Domain on people's phonelines to save space on the wires. This is a rare shocker, because TS law firmly stated that Eminent Domain could only be used for the Greater Good (like hospitals).

---

At homes near the base, turtles, mushrooms, and humans hoping to call their loved ones were met with a strange messgae on their landlines...

"We're sorry, but the military has severed your phone lines in order to devote more bandwidth towards Internet access. This is for reasons of war. So, support Grandfather Tyler and use your cell phones if you have them. For compensation, you will not have a phone bill this month. Thank you for using Slowsky ISP."

---

"57Kbs, men, we've got 57kbs!"

Various more nerdy soldiers sighed at the pathetic Internet of TurtleShroom.

"With a 22% Internet usage rate, we should either make the Internet government-only or ban the Internet."

Others nodded.

---

It was then that one of the soldiers, a mushroom and a high general, contacted their allies down at Papal States.


"Hello? Have I reached North Papal States? ...yes? Good. This is General Lanline of the Holy Republic of TurtleShroom. I need to speak with someone in the military. Our Internet is incapable of downloading all of the Linuxian data. However, we have managed to print the missiles, the Bomb itself, and their planes. That's about it. Anyway, please transfer me down to whoever it is that runs your military, or at least your tech department. Yes, I'll hold."

---

Meanwhile, the TurtleShroom banker who was unknowingly involved with terrorists recieved another call.

"Yes. I need to deposit another one million United States Dollars in my account."

"Yee haw! It's mah favorite customer!"

"Yes. Now, please authorize the transaction."

The banker did so, and the Terrorists once again dumped their cash into the secure accounts of TurtleShroom.

[TurtleShroom]

Still elsewhere, word finally reached the country that North Papal States had been blasted by a nuclear weapon.

The military had no response but sadness, as did the country. The Chancellors requested the citizens to lower the TurtleShroom flag to half-staff in their honor. It was unfaier that TurtleShroom couldn't do the same back to the enemy.

Chancellor Marvin Weirdidea- one of the two heads of state of TurtleShroom -meanwhile, called up North Papal States, seeking to discuss a strategy between the two countries. He, like the solider who was still waiting, was put on hold.

[Ethalor]

OOC: Shroom we should probably roleplay the training of your troops. I don't have time right now but go ahead if you want.

[The Star of the Queens]

Meanwhile at the terrorist hacker base
- We cant stand any further. Now it's TWO supercomputers attacking us.
- One was the supercomputer of one of the banks we had to protect.
- You report it to finance. Everyone: cut all and any communications to the Papalists
And hackers didn't try to attack the supercomputers, instead they attacked the lower-protected central ISP servers to sever anything in and out the Papal states.
- We have another problem
- What is it now?
- Turtleshroom had somehow managed to unclog their internet. Now they are downloading at 57kbps on a separate line.
- Then clog it also. Generate constant shadow traffic.
The hackers then placed the very same bot on the separate line also.
Meanwhile the hackers of the Papal states:
- I'm in their Tv services. What is this? Military coding? Like it, let's break through.
+++Decompiling Triple-DES security... ... ... Complete+++
- See what's behind. What is THAT? It's something I find when I'm decompiling RTS games. An AI controlling... everything! We cannot hack it, but tell the truth.
Then a group of hackers made a message snipped from the Papal archives of the dead leader's speeches, and tried to broadcast it on TV. If they were successful, than the following message could be seen:

Dear Papalists, my nation.
I have been known as your leader, and you have followed me into a war against Linuxians, which is progressing very good for you. In the name of the "Love Thy Neighbor", you massacre tens of thousands of men. On a command of a men long dead. If you don't believe, just look up me in Wikipedia, or believe the following images:
* Images can be seen of the Papal leader's funeral years before the war began, another of his/her gravestone in a cemetery, and snippets of code. Your leading Seraphim and programmers can easily recognize the real leader's code. *
They are like to censor information. If after this message, Wikipedia was quickly edited, or it has been banned, you can be sure, that I was right, and I'm dead.
God bless the North Papal States.

(OOC: @TS: If you have hackers or spec.ops. you can try to circumvent the clogged data lines, and you can download up to 113 kbps. Please, react to other people's post in your RP.)
500x Hackers taken POW by the Seraphim.

---

High Command
In the terrorist High Command, the ex-financial manager is lying dead on the floor bleeding from his head. Apparently he got a headshot.
- We had enough of the deposits to TurtleShroom. I said that any more mistakes would not be tolerated.- He pointed at another terrorist in the room.
- Have you got a degree in Economy?
- Yes, I gr...
- You are the new finance manager. Now how would you solve the loss of our Papal assets?
- What? - he asked back
- The papal banking supercomputer was seized by their Seraphim, which means we lost anything there.
- And it means that without money, THEY can't do anything as well.
- What?
- As a capitalist country, they need money for the weapons factory to buy iron, they need money to grow food and also to bring it to their army, to repair their assets and so on. They shut down their central bank supercomputer. Without it, not just our money can't move there, but their money, also. They need to implement socialism or communism, to circumvent money, which is exactly what we want them to do.
- You have 24 hours to organize our finance. And you will be dead also would you even think about depositing another cent in TurtleShroom.
- Yes, sir.
- Now let's plan the attack on the Papal blockade, and send a message to Gnu/linuxia.
[spoiler=To GNU/Linuxia]
TO The Linuxian High Command
FROM The Global Liberation Force High Command
SUBJECT Counter-strike

Dear Linuxian commanders. We are planning a massive attack on the papal blockade. If you can divert any of your warriors there, we could join our forces and break through the blockade. We are expecting high casualties, mostly because even with the Papal satellites, we can't detect where the blockade is the weakest. Also we have detected that your hackers are striking various enemy targets. Please send some coders to the Papal front. If we manage to break their ISPs down, their supercomputers wouldn't be a nuisance, and our hackers will be free to attack any target you specify for the war. If we manage to cut their Internet, they cannot see anything in the battlefield and they would certainly be blind.
[/spoiler]

---

Secret Nuke base
- Now with the Papal states knocked out, who is our next enemy?
- Ethalor is rushing very strong. They should be annihilated.
- Make it so. With this command, from another launch place, a rocket started to fly towards Ethalor, targeting the building of their High Command.

---

Casualties in this post:
30x Mil-Mi 82 Helicopters
150x 9K32 "Strela-2" Troopers (at the blockade breakthrough)

Terrorist offensive will start in 1 post
Terrorist Launch Platform will be completed in 9 posts

[TurtleShroom]

OOC: Shroom we should probably roleplay the training of your troops. I don't have time right now but go ahead if you want.

Agreed. I can wait for you.

[TurtleShroom]

{OOC: What post am I failing to respond to?}


IC:

Military base, cubicles.

"Seargent, we've almost downloaded half of the tank!"

The Seargent, a human, smiled at this. Dial-up is slow but working. Suddenly, various soldiers began moaning in annoyance.



"GRAVY!" a soldier shouted.

"What now, private?"

"Sir, our Internet is down!"

"Again?!"

'Yes sir. This time, though, they've hit the ISP directly."

"Oh no."

"Well, what now? We can't hit anyone else's phone lines without stirring dissent for the war."

"We could upgrade the Internet."

"No, waste of money."

"We could seize the ISP and make it government-only. Civillians would lose their Internet, but..."

"Do it."

'Seargent, are you serious? 22% of TurtleShroom users will lose serv-"

"The safety of the country is at stake."

"Very well."


"Who should we send to claim the company?"


"Well, word is that we just got an intelligence agency."


"Who authorized it?"


"I don't know. The TSSSS apparently came into being when we increased military spending. The military did it."


"Very well. Send in some TSSSS goons."


"Yes sir."

---

TurtleShroom National ISP: Slowsky ISP HQ

Various turtles, humans, and mushrooms walked around in the tall building that served as TurtleShroom's only Internet Service Provider, Slowsky ISP.
Long granted a monopoly, this company is the sole method of logging on in TurtleShroom.

It was then that a tall, dark-blue colored mushroom in a floor-length black robe, wearing a fedora and black sunglasses, floated in.


"Who are you?"

"I am from the TurtleShroom Stalking and Spying System. We need to speak with the CEO of your corporation. It's a matter of NATIONAL SECURITY."

"Do you have a warrent?"

"Do I need one?"

"Yes. To storm in on private property and force a meeting with someone who is busy, you need one."

"Mushroom sticks. I'll be back."

The agent floated out and, amazingly, flew off in a jet back. Stupid overfunding.

---

Despite orders not to, terrorists still took advantage of the old-fashioned banking systems of TurtleShroom.


"It's you again! Hello!"

"Yes, banker. It's me again. I need you to deposit fifty million United States Dollars in a new account."

"Absolutely! Unfortunately, our Internet is down. Someone's filled the tubes of our dial-up. AGAIN."

"Well, are there other ways to deposit money?"

"Yeppers. We gots an old wiring system, done bank-to-bank by telegraph. Now, for it... I'm 'gonna to need yer homeland, yer real name, and the reason for using the TS wire transfer system."


The terrorist stumbled in his speech. If the leader caught him, bad things would happen.


"I am... Ishbar Capita Underpantz. With a 'Z'."

"Golly. That's kinda sad."

"Yes."

"I. C. Underpantz. Heh heh."

"I know."

"Okay. Yer homeland?"

"Err...... do I have to tell you?"

"Yep. The Feds say we must log big-time transfer fer their records and for villainy tracking."

"We- I'm from North Papal States."

"What district?"

"Doololly."

"That ain't on a map."

"It's... it's unincorporated and very rural. The government doesn't even know about it. Population is seven."

"I see. Okay Ishbar, you're from Doololly, North Papal States. Is this correct?"

"Yes."

"Reason for the transfer?"

"North Papal States has recently seized all bank computers for the war effort and were about to freeze my funds. I heard about your awesome bank secrecy and chose TurtleShroom for banking."

"Well, we're the best and the quietest!"

"I know. Okay. Let me get the telegraph going. Give me yer acount number... ...okay. Good. Now, if I could get your debit card PIN?"


The terrorist used a forged ID.


"Okay, good. Good. Okay Mister Underpantz, your funds have been transferred. Let me just relay this telegraph to the federal government..."


The terrorist gulped as he heard the beeping of the device.


"Okay, the Storehouse has recieved the receipt of the transaction. Congratulations, you have successfully wired fifty million United States Dollars to Big Johnny's Big Bank of TurtleShroom! With your help, we've been able to build a second story!"


The terrorist hung up and snickered.

The banker, meanwhile, began an old TurtleShroom tradition. Customers that transfer big funds into and out of TurtleShroom get a personal call from the banker to the bank, thanking them and giving gifts of party hats, toasters, and other such weird things. In accordance with bank secrecy, though, no details of who or what are revealed.


"Howdy North Papal States! This is Johnny Pap from Big Johnny's Big Bank of TurtleShroom. May I please recieve the numebr of your largest bank's president? I'd like to speak to him and give gifts. Yes, I'll hold."

[TurtleShroom]

- FINANCE ARE YOU MAD?
- Turtleshroom has an excellent bank privacy, I checked them.
- You just forgot one little thing. WE ARE AT WAR WITH THEM!
- We are also at war with other countries as well, but we doesn't withdraw funds.
- FINANCE. Just ONE MORE mistake and you will be killed. Cyber Ops then assure that NOTHING moves on that 56kbps modem.
- Missiles, I want YOU to assure bank secrecy at TurtleShroom. The leader of Missile Ops then typed in a few coordinates, and commands to the secret base mainframe.
+++ Random launch coordinates generated +++ Target coordinates locked, ID: TurtleShroom Intelligence Agency +++ (OOC: Or equivalent. If you don't have intelligence services, then I nuke your central Police building. IC->) +++ Launch will commence when Mobile Launch Platform arrives. +++ In two or three days the launch did happen, and now there is a missile flying towards TurtleShroom.

OOC: Goodness, I'm so sorry that I didn't see this. I was grounded when you posted this!


Okay...

---

IC:

The terrorist missiles had trouble starting, but they were now bound for TurtleShroom. They were going after the freshly formed TurtleShroom Spy and Stalker Service, or TSSSS. This is the only intelligence agency in TurtleShroom, and was mainly funded by the recent military spending increase. In fact, the TSSSS' first assignment was to commandeer Slowsky ISP.


Suddenly, the air raid sirens at the new and expensive TSSSS headquarters went screaming. Three nuclear missiles were bound for the TSSSS headquarters, due in twenty minutes!

Being a paranoid nation with an overfunded military, TurtleShroom employs extensive air raid and nuclear radar tracking systems, even though TurtleShroom radar systems were vintage.




"NUKES!" a turtle agent shouted towards one of his superiors. "THEY ARE ABOUT TO NUKE US ALL!"

Another spy, also in a black robe and sunglasses, slapped the turtle.

"You know the drill!"

The officer ran out near the exterior of the building and rang the bell in the agency building's bell tower. Like an old schoolhouse or fire department, TurtleShroom public buildings had large bells to serve as warnings. The electronic air raid sirens, meanwhile, continued to blast their screeching noises, and churches nearby joined in the ringing too. The whole area around the TSSSS HQ was alive with ringing. The missiles were due in fifteen minutes.

The spies and citizens, meanwhile, ritualistically performed the drills they had learned since elementary school. Disregarding the fact that some of the collegaues they lined up with were in black robes, sunglasses, holding briefcases, and in the case of humans, donning those wired things that go in your ears, the creatures marched out of their buildings and continued to march, then run, then dash, on towards the specially built nuclear escape busses. These were modified black school busses with souped-up racecar-style engines designed for speed and accuracy in escaping. They also had bulletproof glass for windows and walls of lead to prevent radiation sickness.

Everyone loaded into the nuke busses, which sped off from the doomed area.


The Chancellors were one of the first to be warned about the nukes, and they set about the complex Rube Goldberg process to allow "nookular" rockets- basically modiefied Saturn V (stupid privatized space programs) -to be shot at the missiles as anti-missile missiles.


The missiles were now within five minutes from their target.

Four counter-missiles were launched right at that time; two failed to start.

The other two roared to life and intecepted their targets perfectly. Alas, one missile remained, and it successfully detonated.


FFFFFWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!


A bright blast filled the air, brighter than a thousand suns, as a boiling, swirling bubble of fire engulfed the TSSSS HQ. It boiled with fury as a nuclear mushroom, miles high, rose out of the hydrogen fusion. The shockwave caught up with the busses and flipped five of them over.

---

Total deaths: 17 military, ten civillian.

Total injuries: 900 military, 379 civillian.

Total loss of property: USD $7,000,000,000 from the Defense Budget, or, in local currency, 2,520,000,000 Skillets. You have successfullyand totally destroyed the headquarters of the TurtleShroom Spying and Stalker Service.

---

TurtleShroom had been nuked. The Chancellors still couldn't get Congress to lower the DEFCON, but they did allow for perpetual standby of the nuclear rockets. This way, they would be able to avert future nuclear warheads. That, and, of course, THE NEW MOON CANNON.

[Ethalor]

As soon as the helicopter set down in the TurtleShroom camp, the commander was out. He took a cigarette and lite it. It wasn't military protocol, or even allowed but he didn't care. No one would report him. How could they blame him they had just lost seven good men. An RPG from the forest below had hit a helicopter. The terrorist squad was located soon afterwards and killed, but many had died already. The ENN (Ethalor News Network) would eat that up. That was the line between politics and war. Besides, General Smith had always said "Look at the bright side." Well what was the bright side now, Smith? Less mouths to feed, probably.
He turned to three officers and said, "You three! Get the troops into formation and under control before I get back!"
When he picked the troops to bring, he had hand picked them for administration skills. They would get the job done.
He then turned to a Shroom and said, "You! Bring me to whoever is in charge!"

[TurtleShroom]

As soon as the helicopter set down in the TurtleShroom camp, the commander was out. He took a cigarette and lite it. It wasn't military protocol, or even allowed but he didn't care.

[...]

He then turned to a Shroom and said, "You! Bring me to whoever is in charge!"

"Sir yes sir!"

The mushroom, a Private First Class, bowed (their equivalent of a salute) and floated off shouting for their General.

After a while, the mushroom returned and bowed to the officer.

"Sir, the general is coming right now."


{OOC: just to clear it up, I'm going to describe the General in detail to introduce basic components of the TurtleShroom military.}

Indeed, the General was coming. He was an aged Galapagos giant tortoise, the largest of all turtles, at about one hundred sixty nine human years. The general was a unifrom grey, and on his shell was the usual titanium-alloy coating, painted in camoflague, that served as a highly bulletproof item to protect his innards from enemy gunfire. Strapped to this and his shell was a double barreled shotgun and a taser. It seemed that he was capable of firing it and reloading it with his mouth. This was standard issue.

A bunch of human soldiers picked him up and carried him to the Commander, so not to waste his time.

On his small head was a black pickelhaube helmet with four six-pointed stars, topped with a little golden cross. The very old turtle raised his neck to look at the Commander, and he then bowed his neck low as the TS form of salute for turtles.



"Hello." the old turtle stated while bowed, "I am General Ethal Needhelpp, of the TurtleShroom Army. Alas, the Army is the smallest branch, so we'll also be calling in our Navy to hear from your lessons. Now, whippersnapepr, I was informed that ya are 'gonna teach me and mah troops how to fight a real army instead of weenie terrorishts." the turtle raised his neck back up to make eye contact with the commanding officer. "We really need that, sir."

He asked one of the soldiers to bring him a swagger stick, which he quickly did. General Needhelpp took the stick in his mouth and stretched his neck for the Commander to grab it. Traditionally, this was the TurtleShroom method of transferring command of an army.

While he had the stick in his mouth, he explained.

"Son, in order for you to begin teaching us what we need to know, you will need to take this swagger stick as a symbol of the transfer of command. When instructing, you will need to hold this, so not to confuse the troops as to why a Commander is instructing, say, a General. The Navy will be arriving in a while. Until then, show us what you got!"


The General turned to the troops that gathered around this conversation.

"Creatures!" the General commanded, "this here Commander is from Ethalor. He is here to train us on fighting a standing army. These ain't terrorists we're fightin', so listen to every word this human has to say! Now, front and center; line up so the Commander can see all of you. Turtles in the front, mushrooms in the middle, humans in the back!"

"Sir yes sir!" the soldiers responded, quickly and orderly lining up for the Ethalor commander. The General turned towards the Commander.

"Our troops are very respectful for authority, sir. It's part of the extensive training programs that, as the WA puts it in our legislation feed, 'makes the infamous boot camp worse than many battlefields' (NS Issue). They should have little trouble obeying your orders, but they will stand up to usage of drugs, swearing, and unnecesarrily brutal weaponry, like that that tears people's innards out and leaves them to rot (NS Issue). In fact, I would like to ask you to remove all drugs and place them in the nearby trash can, and don't swear. This is TurtleShroom protocol. Also, a quick rundown on military standards here: if a soldier wants to tell you something, let them, but remember for them to raise their hand or helmet to gesture their queries. Our men are not to blurt. Secondly, if a soldier gets out of line, you should take off their belt and spank them with it, five times. For turtles, the shell, humans, the backside, and mushrooms, their cap. Our military still uses corporal punishment. If things get really bad, like a mutiny or use of alcohol, lock them in the cage for an hour. Okay. Now that you've got that all locked in yer mind, take this stick and begin giving us your awesome knowledge."


The TurtleShroom soldiers saluted and held this as they waited for the Commander to take the swagger stick from the General and begin.

[Ethalor]

OOC: Feeling burnt out... post later...

[The Star of the Queens]

At the Terrorist High Command
- WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT TURTLESHROOM? Finance was shaking. He knew, he was guilty, and he would be killed.
- But, but... I have secured 50 million dollars from the papal states. It would be locked instead.
- 50 million dollars. DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY IS THAT? IT COULD WIN THE ************** WAR FOR US! And he shot the finance advisor several times. He yelled in pain for hours, begging for mercy, or just a quick death, and he said sorry several times until he exsanguinated (bleed out).
- HACK! Sever ANY connections from here to TS. ANYTHING means no Internet, telephone, telegram, fax, smoke signs, light signs, flags, personal contact nor any form of communication! - The hacker leader did it, so from now on Terrorists have absolutely no way to communicate with turtleshroom.
- Now without a finance advisor, our group will decide about financial matters. It will be slow, but it won't cause anything pouring to enemy countries. Hack?
- We are working on the NPS Internet lines, but still haven't managed to shut them off-yet.
- Nukes?
- We are OK, thanks for the question?
- Everything else ready for the attack?
- YES!
Terrorists must now have an 1 post cooldown after any bigger action, because of supply problems. Nukes, while they have their own stockpile aren't affected. Hackers don't need money. If they need some, they seize it.

---

Hacker center
The same hacker, who managed to break into a system found out that he only broke into a closed file-sharing server, and what code he saw was just a code of a strategy game. He found this out by recompiling the code, and it compiled to a game. So he ignored it. He also found out, what he believed to be the national TV was only a rogue extreme-right on-line channel. So he banged his head into the table and continued working on setting the firewalls of the ISPs not to let anything through. Another hacker has found a military server with firewalls so strong that he stood back for a while. Then he realized - These are just firewalls - then he submitted the issue to the linuxian open-source forums whether the coding community will find out anything interesting. The hackers also strengthened their own code, protection and firewalls, so the casualties were less, than before. The hackers found out also the Papal states' biggest army supply depot coordinates. A nuke was launched to take it out.
150x Hacker taken POW by the Seraphim

---

At the Linuxian border.

Army:
1,197,000 troops with AK-74 rifles
9,000 troops with 9K32 "Strela-2" AA missiles
1,000 Elite troops
800 Suicide bombers
Anti-Air:
900x Truck-mounted FlaK (concealed as disabled WWII veteran vessel at private collectors)

The huge terrorist army appeared out of range at the borders. Terrorist generals started the debriefing.
Everyone still alive is here from the army. Nukes are devastating enemy cities as I speak, and hackers fight their own war in front of their computers. We are here, and this is our last stand, as it's the last stand of the Linuxians. If we won't break through, they will lose, and we will lose also. If we do, then freedom will spread in Linuxia once again, and those who fall here will be heroes, and revered for ages for their sacrifice. The terrorist applauded the speech. So FlaK, I want you to cover an area as wide as you could, so stand here, here, and here. The general points at the map at several positions. FlaK trucks will be separated, at most 4 in one position, and the closest position still out-of range for your artillery. They will be concealed with camo nets and camo painting. The firing radii also highly overlap eachother. Suicide troops: you have the front, as you always. Prime your bombs and go to victory! Suicide attacks will start at night. Every terrorist has 10 kgs TNT equivalent home-made bombs attached to it, with nails to enhance antipersonnel effect. They are also equipped with a failsafe: if the terrorist's pulse cannot be sensed by a pulse-sensing watch, the bomb goes off immediately. If the terrorist decides to be ready to die, he plugs out a 3.5mm jack like plug from the watch to release his anger. The terrorists wear black clothing to be less detectable. They try to attack sites which have big troop concentration, or armor: They jump in the tanks, close the door and detonate. Elite: you know what to do. Elite troops will start the battle by taking out guards to allow the terrorists through. After they woke up, we will start. If the suicide troops finish, the enemy alarms will sound. That will be the sign. For that, all the AK troops will rush and kill any enemy they see. For the armor, they try to get on the tank, open its cover, and shoot anyone in it. If there are any elite troops around, they will jump in, and seize the tank. The Strela troopers will shoot down aircraft.
Casualties: 800 Suicide bombers at least.

---

Terrorist nuke base expansion in 8 posts.

[Gnu Linuxia]

Erbe Offensive


Casualties for all sides are mounting after Gnu Linuxias' latest offensive. Reports of incredible amounts of bloodshed let by terrorists is making the stance taken by the Gnu Linuxian government even more unpopular, and several high-ranking officials have said that the nuclear bombs plans will probably be taken offline in the next few days. That being said, public support for the war remains high. Papal, Turtleshroom, Hermanian and Reich soldiers are considered imperialistic invaders, and the Linuxian population strongly supports a continuation of the war.

[TurtleShroom]

Several generals and admirals of different species and one tall, pale human stood in a room in a TurtleShroom military base, discussing plans.

"Sir," one mushroom general stated, "the Chancellors authorized the Moon Cannon and succeeded in its construction. We were just informed that it is online and can fire one shot before it needs to charge another three months. The moon is in a good position to fire at Gnu Linuxia. In fact, if we want to use the Moon Cannon, we should do so now."

"I don't know," a human admiral responded, "don't you remember their MAD doctrine in the world of nookular weapons? What if that applies to Moon Cannons? After all, the TSSSS base was nuked. I don't know if it was by the terrorists or Linuxia."

"I don't want to risk an all-out thermo-nookular war with Linuxia, because we'll both be destroyed." another turtle general interrpupted. "We need to learn more about our enemy. We need to spy on them. We should send a turtle, because they'll think it's just some dumb animal, and a human, because they make good spies."

"Okay, but what if the spy gets captured? Government protocol orders silence or truth, no lies."

"I think our spies can handle waterboarding. That's about the worst torture I can think of in a modern nation. After all, we've actually waterboarded our own spies to train them."

"Really?"

"Oops. That was classified."

"Okay."

"We'll also try and infiltrate the terrorists, if we can ever find them."

"Okay."

"...-but who will we send as spies?"

"Agent Ken and Agent Fran would suffice. They have definately proved their worth in training."

"Well, call them, then!"

A knock on the door was heard. A general grabebd his gun and looked through the peephole. A turtle and a human were seen. Both were wearing sunglasses and the human was wearing a black robe. The human held up his ID badge.

"Agent Fran Francis, TSSSS." the agent said, smiling. "Down here is Agent Ken Herbert."

The general opened the door and let the agents in.

"You were spying on us?"

"Yes. We bugged the room this morning, before you came in."

"Nice."


"So, sir, what do you need us for?"

A human admiral saluted to the Agents.


"We need you to spy on the nerds of Linuxia. Infiltrate them and preferably, bug and wiretap their calls."


"Uhh..." one agent responded, "while our bug cameras are state-of-the-art, our wiretapping devices... require a literal tap. We actually have to hook a device to their communication cables. Literally, we must insert a tap. We also need a guy to manually operate it. So, if we attach one in some guy's attic... we'd put an agent up there too... to crank the device. See, the wiretap devices are reel-to-reel, and they must be cranked to record. While out agents are quiet enough to live in an attic for years, it's frustrating for the person in charge."

"Years?"

"Yes, YEARS. There's a guy living in the attic right now. He's been up there for three months, coming down only to use your bathroom at midnight and to raid your fridge when everyone's gone. See, we were testing our technology on you!"

"Wow."

"Wow indeed! The problem is getting into a guy's house and placing the tap in his attic. If you raid the fridge too much, people notice."

"I see. Well, I for one authorize it."

"Not so fast. See, you need a court warrent to wiretap ANYTHING in this country. The guy in your attic is wiretapping on warrent of the TurtleShroom Supreme Secular Court."

"Well, call a judge. Most bureaucrats in the capital are judges."

"It has to be a judge on the bench." the agent sighed.

"Crud. Fine call one up. THEN we'll wiretap the Linux goons. We'll wiretap one of their hacking zones, tracing their Internet and-"

"We can only wiretap telephone, fax, and telegraph, passively. No Internet."

"You're overfunded with JET PACKS and yet you can't wiretap the Internet?"

"Our Internet is too slow to test on. We can't wiretap an Internet that barely exists!"

"Bah. When's that judge going to allow us to work? We need to allow unwarrented wiretaps."

---

OOC: Judge will allow wiretapping soon. Then, we get to spy on you with creatures in your attic! Oh, and they're not easily caught at all; they are trained for this!

[Ethalor]

The Commander took the swagger stick and returned to the main force of the TurtleShrooms.
These Turtles are too soft.
"Look! I've got your Swagger Stick! That means your under my command. I've been sent to train you! I'm going to whip you into shape! Now line up!" he yelled at the top of his lungs.
"But we've already been trained," a lone Turtle said.
"Not to fight militarizes, you haven't! Now line up!"
Once they were all lined up, he took a good look at them. This would be harder then he thought.
"Now march! I want five miles!" he yelled.
Much harder....

[Herminia]

The Fleet neared the port where they will land the ground forces. About 12 miles from shore, the main battle fleet stopped, while the transports inched closer to shore, intent upon dropping the troops, vehicles, and Luftwaffe planes in the harbor.

The carriers Admiral Luppisch, Dusenburg, and Sieg readied their planes. Within minutes, the decks of the three giant ships was swarmed with crewmen, munitions, fuel, and parked planes. Finally, the carrier air group, consisting of 32 Saab JAS 39 Gripen fighters and 36 Panavia Tornado attack aircraft, flew off the decks and headed towards shore, intent upon patrolling the area and sweeping the sky of any Linuxian craft before heading further inland and attacking ground targets.

---

Meanwhile, the transports unloaded the men and materiel at the port and they began assembling for the monumental task at hand. Fall Linuxia is now underway...

[TurtleShroom]

"Now march! I want five miles!" he yelled.

Much harder....

"Sir yes sir!" the turtles all shouted, eager to learn.

Then, they began to move.


Five miles would take a LONG time for them.

---

The TurtleShroom human and mushroom soldiers stood, wiating for their turn, and watched the turtles move, trying not to laugh. They knew though, that if they laughed, they'd probably have to do push ups or get spanked.