Darkness & Depravities: Misadventures of the Wicked

[Olthar]

The letter sent, the deed made done.
Great her tale has already spun.
Truth in words and act brought forth,
A missive sent up to distant north.

Her mind at ease and with heavy sigh,
She set out once more to tower high.
The shadow of battle lay close ahead,
And soon the necrophile would join his dead.

Action: Set out on a grand adventure to slay the necrophile.

[Ballycolumbia]

Jim grumbled, those damn bourgeois would be running amok throughout the lands. It'd take him ages to get them to heel again. Anyway, that's stuff for another day, currently the problem lies with this kip of a dungeon. Seriously though, the state of the place! The bars were so rusted that a single punch would break them (whilst causing mega tetanusness).

Though, to prove he was the big man around here, this escape would have to be the bomb diggity. He surveyed the prison, using his years of experience in 'Nam and found...nothing of any importance. After wasting countless hours doing that, he asked his cellmate if she had any C4.

Action: Casually ask cellmate if she's got any C4.

[Nude East Ireland]

Rathore: 9
You now have +3 persuasion.

Craig: 7
You manage to leave the room, shut the door, and you feel relief. You know that the body pillow will return, but you decide to think of happier things. For example, the Royal Army battalion that will arrive by the next turn.

Hyrien: 1
I guess being locked in this mausoleum for so long has depleted you of your magic. Suddenly you pass out again.

After what feels like 1,000 years, you wake up once more. Now you're inside of a metal coffin, and the smell of daffodils is incredibly strong.

Dingleberry: 2+2=4
You manage to eat the pancakes, but only barely. Something in them made you a little sick. Maybe it was the iron in the town's water, which the Militia uses to control the minds of the citizens.

Lupus: 4
The Militia soldiers are silent. Their guns are still pointed at you. It appears to be a standoff.

Okil: 4
After wandering for what feels like several years, you wind up with the white-suited man. He sighs. "You aren't very bright, are you?"

Blisterwart: 3
You set off the slay the necrophile. But suddenly, a beggar approaches you. "Hey. Wanna buy some Venus rocks?"

Jim: 6
She shakes her head and wipes her tears away. "N- No. But I've been working on a way to escape." She was whispering, probably so that the guards didn't hear her. But it was entirely possible that the guards already knew her plan.

---

Rathore: +3 persuasion. +2 sexual energy. -4 Sleep
Equipment: The Sword of the Rathores [+2 attack], T-shirt and Jeans, 2 trained sons

Hyrien: Roman Lesbian
Equipment: Sizeable Bident, Enchanted Leather Armour [+1 defence], 1 ancient butt tablet, Big Tits

Dingleberry: -1 smashing. +1 Spanish.
Equipment: Magic Keytar Sword, Mariachi Costume, Pancakes

Mofoyebach: +3 Crossbows. +1 Summoning. Cannot use daggers. -2 While Drunk
Equipment: None

Lupus: +3 Sneaking.
Equipment: Dagger [+2 attack], Rags [+1 defence]

Blisterwart: -1 Crushing. +2 Clobbering. +2 when actions rhyme.
Equipment: Body Odor [+2 persuasion], Thick Skin, Scroll of the Kanye of the West

Jim: +2 Swords. -2 Blocking or Parrying.
Equipment: Cloak and Gauntlet

Craig: High Secretary of the People of the Sarjesh Commune
Equipment: Cardboard Sword of the Rathores, Erotic America outfit, Bald Eage

Okil: -3 when telling people to run.
Equipment: Small Knife [+2 attack], Erotic Novel, Fancy Clothes

[Galnius]

Okil glared at the man in white. "So YOU were the one who turned off the sun. Heh, that rhymed...." After remembering what he was originally doing walking around, he once again addresses the man in white. He spoke in a voice that seemed rather aggressive. "Now, as you are obviously who I am looking for, I must ask..." His tone changed boyish and curious, "How'd you do that?"

ACTION: Learn how to turn off the sun.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Rathore smiled, feeling himself regain his old charm. Now, to start his work...

Action: Use charm and sexual energy to create an empire, in the style of the Mughals.

[Ballycolumbia]

"Ssh, enough talk, workout time!" Jim declared before doing pull ups, push ups, shadow boxing and jogging around the cell for an unnatural amount of time. All the while, "Eye of Tiger" mysteriously could be heard during the whole ordeal. The source of the music was never found. Pumped and ready for action, Jim began to prep for the escape.

Action: Rip shirt into headband and MacGyver an Ak-47 for the escape. This shit just went 80s action.

[The Grey Wolf]

The silence of the militia served to reinforce Lupus' confidence, they were uncertain. Maybe he could still deceive them and convince them that someone else was the culprit. Next to him sat Centurion, the large wolfhound who obeyed his master unhesitatingly. In a last resort, he could set the dog on them. Without a doubt, the hound would be killed by the men, but that was a price Lupus was willing to pay.

Whistling nonchalantly at the stalemate, Lupus spoke in a calm, implying tone. "Can you imagine the paperwork that would pile up from this? The questions it would bring up? Nice Mister Lupus who always smiles and is charitable to the children is supposedly a murderer. The whole village would be in an uproar. Some might even go as far to say that he's being framed by the militia for crimes he did not commit. Possibly start a violent protest."

Action: Bribe the militia into letting you go.

[Constaniana]

Dingleberry did his best to politely eat the pancakes, despite their off-putting flavour. The troll stood up from the table and excused himself, walking out the door to think. He knew he had been given a righteous quest to perform, but he needed to improve his skills first before seeking out the necrophile. And what better way to do that then investigate the sinister conspiracy in the town's water supply?

ACTION: Perform chemical tests on the nearest water supply

[Nationstatelandsville]

"We're being invaded!" Craig cried.

He was fucked. What to do? What to do?

What would father do? Yes! But where would Craig find a whore at this hour? Damn, he'd have to think of something else.

Action: Burn everything the fuck down in a panic.

[Nude East Ireland]

Okil: 6
The man in white sighs and snaps his fingers. It is night time. He repeats the action, making it day time. "For me, it is easy to change the universe. Time, space, they're all just... toys. You're a human. Humans don't get the kind of power I get. They just kind of flop around like fish, until they finally run out of air."

Rathore: 3+3+2=8
You are able to assemble an army of loyal followers - most of them female - who agree to, well, follow you. You make camp just outside of town, since the Militia has outlawed freedom of assembly to prevent dangerous thinking.

Jim: 5
You manage to craft a crude iron pipe. Well, you actually just find an iron pipe in your cell. Guess it'll have to do. +1 iron pipe. +1 headband

Lupus: 3
The Militia soldiers are silent. Suddenly, they grab you and cuff you, throwing you onto the floor to await torture.

Dingleberry: 1
You trip and fall into the mud. A horse shits on your back.

Craig: 10
As though God was real and heard your cry, an Angel flies over the town. As it soars, its wings open, their full length as long as the town itself. Flames pour from the Angel and its wings, engulfing the town in its holy fire.

---

The Royal Army battalion arrives at Sarjesh. The Militia assembles it's forces and the battle begins in the northern part of town. The Royal Army had come poorly prepared, it seems, as the flaming town causes many deaths, while the Militia picks off what is left.

Rathore's Army chooses this time to attack, and begins clashing with both sides. The Royal Army's leader, an unimportant and elderly general, is killed in the onslaught. The remnants retreat north into the wilderness, leaving Rathore's Army and the Militia to continue the fight.


Rathore: 7
You escape the battle unscathed, mostly. Though you have some scars, it's nothing new. In fact, it gives you an appeal that makes several of your female followers sleep with you, at the same time.

Hyrien: --
You were not present during the Battle of Sarjesh.

Dingleberry: 1
The horse shit severely hindered your abilities in the battle. Both of your lesbian friends died, and you lost an arm and an eye. +1 eyepatch

Mofoyebach: --
You were not present during the Battle of Sarjesh.

Lupus: 2
Already bound, you were barely unable to escape before the basement you were in collapsed on you and the Militia soldiers who were using it as an outpost during the Battle. You were wounded, and now have only +1 sneaking.

Blisterwart: 5
Your ogre strength, and assistance from Kanye of the West's spirit, allowed you to survive the battle.

Jim: 9
You break out of prison, escape the town as the battle rages, and fuck the girl who was in your cell. Congrats.

Craig: 3
You were briefly captured and tortured by the Royal Army. Then you were captured and tortured by the Militia. Then you were captured and tortured by Rathore's Army.

Okil: 3
Your white-suited friend doesn't help you, seeing as how he vanished almost immediately before the battle. You were, alongside Craig, tortured by the Militia. Finally you escaped to Rathore's Army.

The Battle of Sarjesh is in its third day. Rathore's Army is headquartered at Fort Rathore, just outside of town. Its high, oak walls keep the Militia out - for now. Inside Rathore's tent are Rathore, Craig, Okil, Blisterwart, Jim, Lupus, and Dingleberry. Hyrien is in the far future. Mofoyebach is in the Void.

The Militia holds Sarjesh - or, rather, what is left of it. It seems that Craig's body pillow was operating the organisation from behind-the-scenes, as Sarjesh's true ruler. The Abraham Fuckyeah Memorial Prison and Sodomy Centre has become a fortress where the Milita is headquartered.

Rathore's sons, Uriel and Lucifer, enter the tent. They are covered in the blood of their enemies. "Father," Lucifer says. "Our forces are ready. We should take the Prison while we still can and build a memorial in the ruins, to commemorate the beginnings of our empire."

Uriel blinks, staring into the distance. He is in deep thought. "I had our scouts explore the area. This place is worthless to us. But, father, there is the Black Tower to the east. That is where the necrophile lives. It will be an adequate base until we can conquer a larger, more strategic city."

---

Rathore: +3 persuasion. +2 sexual energy.
Equipment: The Sword of the Rathores [+2 attack], T-shirt and Jeans, 2 trained sons

Hyrien: Roman Lesbian
Equipment: Sizeable Bident, Enchanted Leather Armour [+1 defence], 1 ancient butt tablet, Big Tits

Dingleberry: -1 smashing. +1 Spanish.
Equipment: Magic Keytar Sword, Mariachi Costume, Eyepatch

Mofoyebach: +3 Crossbows. +1 Summoning. Cannot use daggers.
Equipment: None

Lupus: +1 Sneaking.
Equipment: Dagger [+2 attack], Rags [+1 defence]

Blisterwart: -1 Crushing. +2 Clobbering. +2 when actions rhyme.
Equipment: Body Odor [+2 persuasion], Thick Skin, Scroll of the Kanye of the West

Jim: +2 Swords. -2 Blocking or Parrying.
Equipment: Cloak and Gauntlet, Headband, Iron Pipe

Craig: Rejected Son
Equipment: Cardboard Sword of the Rathores, Erotic America Outfit, Bald Eage

Okil: -3 when telling people to run.
Equipment: Small Knife [+2 attack], Erotic Novel, Torn Clothes

[Rupudska]

All right, this is getting ridiculous. Time to move. Hyrien can hear sounds of battle, and she wants to get the hell away from it.

ACTION: Attempt to open coffin lid.

[Galnius]

Night, day, now that he survived a brutal battle, he was starting to understand what the man in white said. This , sun, this ball of light, it had a switch like most lights did, in the man in whites home. Perhaps he could find it....Either way, the militia was in the way. He should join Rathore's army in order to clear a path.

ACTION: Convince people he isn't a total idiot in order to join the army.

[Constaniana]

The troll picked himself up from the filth, looking around the ruin and desolation in sadness. He wished to play a funeral dirge, but he lacked enough limbs to properly play the keytar. Dingleberry would avenge the nice pancake ladies and destroy evil.

ACTION: Build robotic arm on his limb-stump

[Olthar]

"A battle most fierce, much sorrow spread.
The pages of history, filled with this dread.
Won did the force, much blood was shed.
A path carved hence, where all now tread.

Death comes to all, some sooner than most.
To survive such an ordeal, no mere boast.
Forget not the trails, move on with the host.
To the tower forthwith, make war with the ghost!"

Action: Chant a mighty battle hymn in the tounge of ogres to inspire the soldiers to march on the tower of the necrophile.

[The Grey Wolf]

"Oh yeah, throw me to the floor. You know who was doing that last night? Yer mummies. Threw me right on the floor and had their ways with me." Lupus smirked, having no idea he had started one of the most annoying internet memes in the history of humanity.

After the basement collapsed, he forced himself out, clutching his wound.

---

Lupus sat in the tent of Rathore, being his normal, silent, unemotional self. He hoped that with the (presumed) death of the guards, he was clear from any suspicion. His dog, Centurion, had been killed in the collapse, and all Lupus could think was that at least he had one less mouth to feed.

For a moment, he was disturbed with his own lack of empathy.

Action: Flee the camp, and disguise yourself as an ascetic.

[Nationstatelandsville]

Craig had been curled tight in the fetal position, weeping and moaning loudly, damning his fate and damning all but the name of Rathore. Everything had been going so well, and now it was going so very, very wrong - it always happened like this. He was worthless.

"Would I this eagle," he blubbered, "was a time eagle."

Abraham Fuckyeah sighed.

But it had felt different this time. He had really thought he was going to change; what had gone wrong?

It was then that Uriel and Lucifer entered, and Craig knew.

"You!" Craig screamed, leaping to his feet and stabbing a finger at Uriel, "You did this! Your whore mother was jealous of my father and I, so she seduced him and made you homewreckers! This is unforgivable!"

He raised the Sword Rathore (of sorts), "I challenge you!"

Action: Challenge Uriel to a duel to the death.

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Rathore hardly paid attention to his sons fighting, as he had other things to attend to. For example, the fact that there were dangerous enemies everywhere. The Battle of Sarjesh had been quite deadly, and Rathore planned to rectify that.

Later.

Action: Use sexual energy to breed more child soldiers with Blisterwart.

[Ballycolumbia]

Jim was pissed. Though he was pumped from all the sex and the pipe smashing, it was not enough.
He was wrecked from all that fucking (Hoo-rah!) + There was an ogre bitch thing chanting shite = Pissed off Jim.
He was just going to beat the shit out of her with his pipe, but he had something much more subtle in mind (He probably watched too much Game of Thrones and to be honest he wasn't arsed doing anything with effort).

Action: Overdose Rathore's wiagra herbs before he does the huh-huh with the ogre bitch.

[Nude East Ireland]

Hyrien: 7
You kick the lid, which flies off of the coffin. What a badass.

You find yourself in a massive graveyard, which seems to extend as far as you can see. Every grave is unmarked, each with a small, white "gravestone". The sky is twilight, complimented by the smoke-like black clouds. There is light, but there does not appear to be a sun. Instead, the main celestial object in the sky is the sight of two moons, one pale and the other orange, which have crashed into each other. A number of fragments surround the area where the moons collided, though the two moons appear to be stable.

Beams of coloured light fly just by your head. Humans in armour resembling the roots of a tree are holding metallic guns, from which the beams where fired from. Across from them are Elves - or, rather, what Elves have evolved into. They are each about ten feet tall, incredibly skinny and lanky. They stomp across the graveyard with the quickness of horses. Overhead, winged Elves clash with humans that ride dragon-like beasts.

Okil: 10
You are immediately given a position as Lucifer's lieutenant for your bravery in the fighting. Congrats.

Dingleberry: 6
You build a crude mechanical arm, which is actually pretty functional.

Blisterwart: 8
Rathore's Army is inspired. So inspired that a small splinter group forms within the ranks, loyal to you. They dress in gear reminiscent of your own clan's to emulate your species.

Lupus: 6+1=7
You manage to escape the camp, and find yourself near a Militia outpost. None of the soldiers see you, though they are armed with some strange-looking rifles.

Craig: 10
You charge at Uriel, screaming meekly as you do. With your eyes closed, you fail to see, well, anything, and manage to trip over one of your father's many swords. As you fall flat onto your face, the sword knocks over a torch, setting the tent ablaze. The roof collapses, covering Uriel and Lucifer in flaming cloth. As their screams fill the fort, your father's sons slowly burn to death, yet everyone else in the tent remains perfectly fine.

Rathore: 10+2=12
You lead Blisterwart into an outhouse using your interesting native tongue. Slowly you sprinkle shit onto her - a common ogre mating ritual. Then you grab her and kiss her thick fangs, which force her mouth to be perpetually open. Then you [RESTRICTED]

You both finish, exhausted. The chains keeping you hanging from the ceiling break, and you fall into the pile of pillows. This is a big outhouse, but you also intended to fuck in here. You smile. The force of the sex causes ten ogre warriors to explode out of Blisterwart, all armed to the teeth and ready to fight.

Jim: 3
You try to drug Rathore's viagra, but his sexual energy - and the fact that he already fucked Blisterwart - cause you to fail.

---

Count Skullfucker de La Croix
Primary Skill: Necromancy - 6
You are capable of reanimating and talking to the dead. Though you don't spend much time on the talking.
Secondary Skill: Bitchslapping - 3
Your backhand has grown weak, since the dead don't talk back much.
Third Skill: Dodging - 1
You suck at this. Really. -1 dodging
Chosen Weapon: Black Dildo Staff - 6
A normal giant dildo.
Chosen Armour: Necromancer Robes - 9
+2 defence

Sir Winthrop Eddleton the Younger, Man of Dumb Titles
Primary Skill: Necromancy - 5
You're OK at necromancing.
Secondary Skill: Steampunk Machine Bullshit - 9
You're fucking good at this. +2 when building machine bullshit
Third Skill: Whacking - 7
You're good at hitting shit.
Chosen Weapon: Walking Stick - 5
Normal walking stick.
Chosen Armour: Fancy Clothes - 4
Not that fancy.

---

Skullfucker
You wake up in your bedroom at the top of the Black Tower. Describe it as you like, I'm tired.

Winthrop
You wake up in your tent, in a camp in the forest. Yeah.

---

Rathore: +3 persuasion. +2 sexual energy.
Equipment: The Sword of the Rathores [+2 attack], T-shirt and Jeans, 10 ogre sons

Hyrien: Roman Lesbian
Equipment: Sizeable Bident, Enchanted Leather Armour [+1 defence], 1 ancient butt tablet, Big Tits

Dingleberry: -1 smashing. +1 Spanish.
Equipment: Magic Keytar Sword, Mariachi Costume, Eyepatch

Mofoyebach: +3 Crossbows. +1 Summoning. Cannot use daggers.
Equipment: None

Lupus: +1 Sneaking.
Equipment: Dagger [+2 attack], Rags [+1 defence]

Blisterwart: -1 Crushing. +2 Clobbering. +2 when actions rhyme.
Equipment: Body Odor [+2 persuasion], Thick Skin, Scroll of the Kanye of the West

Jim: +2 Swords. -2 Blocking or Parrying.
Equipment: Cloak and Gauntlet, Headband, Iron Pipe

Craig: Rejected Son
Equipment: Cardboard Sword of the Rathores, Erotic America Outfit, Bald Eage

Okil: -3 when telling people to run.
Equipment: Small Knife [+2 attack], Erotic Novel, Torn Clothes

[Nightkill the Emperor]

Rathore smiled. "Very, very good." he chuckled. "Alright then. War it is. We must hunt down the necrophile. But first..." he looked at Jim. "I'm well aware of what you tried to do, though you are seemingly shitty at it. However, my authority will be recognised and unchallenged..."

Action: Use persuasion to mentally destroy Jim, psychologically breaking him down into a loyal and brainwashed servant of Rathore.

[G-Tech Corporation]

"I liveeeeeee!"

The scream echoed through the forest, for no real reason, spooking some random birds.

Where was he? He remembered... Daleks? The Machine Empire?

Eh, more timey-wimey bullshit. Winthrop sent down an inquiry into his mind, probing his memories. Something about nobility, Albion. Ah, bloody good, jolly old England. Or something like that. He took stock of his surroundings. Forest. Lots of trees, and he had no clue where in the blue blazes he was. Well, when life gave you lumber, as mother always said, make robots. Oh, if only dearest Elizabeth could see him now, or Ted, or any of those fuckers.

Action: Build wood-cutting clockwork robots out of surrounding forest.

[Nationstatelandsville]

Craig raised his head from the dirt just in time to see the last scream escape the body of Lucifer; he had not yet died, it was simply that he no longer had vocal chords.

It over so quickly, yet dragged on for so long. The charred corpses of the Rathore children fell to the earth, still breathing, still feeling every ember lick their bones, but not living any longer, not truly.

That was the worst way to go. And Craig had caused it. And Craig had seen the flames consume them; swallow up their every thought, every memory, every love. They had died like animals, feeling only pain and fear. No one deserved that.

And it was Craig's fault.

The ground beneath him fell away and he tumbled back onto the earth, smacking his chin against it. He felt nothing as his glasses fell from his nose; it was his fault. His fault. His fault. It echoed through his head, as it would for the rest of eternity.

His fault.

Craig stood up and blinked, new to the world like a baby; was it always like this? Did everyone die like that?

Craig stomped on his glasses and they shattered - they were just cosmetic, anyway. In a haze, he wandered out of the tent, stumbled towards the half-orcs before him. He knew not what ungodly acts had made them, but he knew instantly who; Rathore. They were unmistakeably Rathore.

What an obscene thing to be, he thought. He smirked a bit; to bear the name of a monster like him. His fault.

Amongst them was Craig's father, who held a soldier in his glare, a smile upon his face. He must've heard the screams, he must've; and he didn't care. Had he always... ? No. No, not the man Craig knew. Not his father.

Something had changed. Some spell had bewitched him. How else could you explain all that had happened in the past months? Rathore was possessed.

Craig had to save him; Craig had to stop him. He blinked once more, suddenly clear-headed - more so than ever before. He glanced at Abraham Fuckyeah, who fluttered up to his shoulder and nodded. She liked this change in her master.

And at that, Craig ran. Ran harder than ever before. Not for fear, but for purpose.

Action: Flee into the forest.

[Ballycolumbia]

Jim had failed in the viagra tampering. He should have really checked that the guy wasn't having sex next door before tinkering. Either way, there was now a pissed off Indian staring at him, who looked remarkably similar to Lord Peter of Capaldi.

Jim watched as the half-orc children seemed to grow before his eyes. This man was getting too powerful for his own good and Jim would have to change that. There was a saying: "To fight fire with fire". Jim could find a random female character and breed a warriour child army of his own. But, Jim had a better idea, "If you can't beat them, join them". He didn't know how, but he'd raise a warriour army with Rathore.

Action: Attempt to somehow breed with Rathore.

[Constaniana]

Dingleberry looked upon his work in pride, curling his diesel fingers into a fist a few times. But a glorious new limb would not be enough to avenge the fair pancake maidens. His mariachi costume was amusing to look upon, and complemented his Spanish skills, but it was not suited for the rigours of battle he would have to endure in his quest. Putting his budding mechanical skills to work, the troll attempted to improve his garments.

ACTION: Upgrade mariachi costume into mechanical battle armour

[Olthar]

Pleasure, pain, perversion, and produce,
And that thing he did with the goose.
Blisterwart was overcome with such joy,
It was far better than any old toy.
She needed more, she needed sex,
Everywhere she looked, mere objects.
Where once she saw people, honest and kind,
There was now only meat for her to grind.

Action: Sex with the nearest living thing.