Hello! We have a thrilling final day in store for you. Ephesian FC currently lead the league, on nineteen points, and are at home against Sporting Esper. Close behind them, Canbix and Arlington are tied with 18.5 points, and they're playing each other at the City Athletic Venue. (The first leg was a scoreless draw, and Canbix have one more goal of difference.) Trailing those two on goal difference comes Trebuchet Cham, who are taking on the Twineur Bugs at Stabb Field.
The fight for the last Challengers' spot should be no less intense. Currently in fifth, we have 102d Jr.s--
102d Jr.s!--who are at home against Excelsior Slogda, who are still terrible. Tied with them are Namiri Forest, who will host the Rovers, and Bassabook, who host a dismal-looking Spenson. Twineur, Trink, and Keppal are all within a point of them, but that's not saying much because there's only one spot to play for now that we're...back down to two Champions' League entries. But that just heightens the drama. Right? Silver linings!
My editor is annoyed that I'm hyping this day up so much because the improved parity is probably just a rogue side effect of trying to fix things so that Arlington aren't unstoppable, which means she's going to be in a really bad if they go on to win the league anyway. So for her sake, we're rooting for anybody but Arlington, sorry City fans.
4': Goal from...Valerie Waugh and 102d to get us started! Okay, so Slogda are bad, but really, 102d have been extremely solid this season. Now it's up to Fedya Troy-Vee, Iosif Chaika, and the rest of the defense to hold on.
7': Goal for Meldi'ita Mungwaii! Another beautiful strike from the tireless Turorian, the elegant Eel, the ageless attacker...okay I better stop, my editor is glaring at me.
10': Jamsetjee Peerbhoy scores for Namiri Forest. No relation to the Jamsetjee Amla-Patel who used to play for Namiri Independent. It's just a popular name.
11': A nice pass from Kayla Haugen sets up her fellow midfielder, Gabriel Lapierre, and the Kelssekian scores to give Cham the lead against Twineur. I think. I mean, I know they're definitely winning against Twineur but I'm not 100% on what you call a person from Kelssek. "Mr. McDonagh?"
14': Thank you to all of you who wrote in to make the jokes about how you can call someone from Kelssek whatever you want as long as you make sure to duplicate it in Azertienne, knew I could count on you guys.
15': Oh here we go, Jacques Nelson-Boque scores for Ephesian off a pass from Geomraff yCinrhadd. He's only planning to spend one season in the 1./, but so far he's made it a good one for Ephesian, and it could be even greater.
20': Trink have an outside chance at the Challengers' Cup if things fall their way, so let's take a look at their match over in Keppal. Mmhmm...yes...not the most scintillating. In recent seasons, Johan Idmar's form up front has covered over a lot of deficiencies for the Cosmos. But with him past his peak, they look dispirited.
22': A Molly Nestor header for Twineur ties them up against Cham. The Bugs have been pretty mediocre this year, but at least they're not getting blown out. On Matchday 20 they had a 4-4 draw with the Rovers that must have had manager Dale Hartford-Phelps fuming, but turns out that fans enjoy this more than a 4-0 loss, what a surprise.
25': A bunch of my sub-monitors just lit up simultaneously so let me figure out what just happened all over. Looks like...Waugh scored a brace for 102d, nice. As if psychically aware of this and refusing to be outdone by 102d, Gordon Blum somehow wills himself forward to meet a long pass from Ryan Dumont and scores a moment later for Bassabook against Spenson. And meanwhile, Marie Wien scores for Cham to restore their lead against Twineur. Whew!
31': Julio McBailey equalizes for Twineur after outsprinting Tova Miovuku at back, nice run.
38': And here go my monitors again, hold on while I sort this out. Uh, Nancy Puyo-Sachar--have we mentioned that her husband plays baseball? good, so we don't have to repeat this whole thing again--scores for Cham against Twineur. But meanwhile, Greg Wilson-Morro scores for Esper to tie them up against Ephesian. Which I think means that Arlington are back in the lead somehow. For what it's worth, they entered the day with the same goal difference as Ephesian, but that won't matter because they need to get a better result than Ephesian, anyway.
40': Waugh almost has a hat-trick, but instead sets up Sonja Reuel-Whail to score. Either way, it's 102d 3, Slogda 0. Too soon to say that 102d have clinched IFCF play, of course, but they're well on their way!
42': Paula Benning-South scores for Cham, it's 4-2 there. The Cabbas need some help from elsewhere if they want to rise higher, but they're certainly doing their part.
43': A neat left-foot shot from Farrokh Sokhi, and Forest are up 2-0. Gotta love a guy with a double kh.
44': Twineur, as we just mentioned, are two goals down. And what do they do? Counterattack and score through Eric Motley-Kashone! Hartford-Phelps seems almost unrecognizable in his jacket on the bench.
45': And that's halftime.
46': Back underway. Fun fact of the day is that Lliot Celarte, from Sporting Esper, is going to be on the bench for Mertagne in their Eagles' Cup roster. I'm not sure how to pronounce that double L. Maybe yCinrhadd can explain.
50': The other game going on is Namiri Independent hosting FTC United, who are guaranteed thirteenth and twelfth respectively. Let's have a look-in, shall we? ...Yeah all right, it's properly dire.
52': Goal! And it's...Tammi Bilo-Stuhl for Canbix! This is big, the leaderboard is now Ephesian ahead of Cham for first, and Canbix ahead of Arlington for third. But anything could happen in thirty-eight minutes plus! (Thirty-eight plus is really not a round number no matter what system you're using.)
57': Goal for Quinten Fryx of Ephesian! They're clear by a half-point now and have some much-appreciated breathing room.
61': Bassabook are obviously frustrated that they don't control their own destiny, and more frustrated that their destiny is currently trailing 102d on GD (well, and also Namiri Forest, but they don't seem to care about that). However, Rafael Ashadha breaks through with a goal to make it 2-0 against Spenson Suburbia; Itzhak Canterbury, not so long ago the wave of the future in goal, looks anemic. Not literally, though.
64': Rolf Ronake-Daste makes it five goals for Cham. The Cabbas will be pleased that Canbix and Arlington are still cancelling each other out, but they need the Robins to give them a boost here if they want more. The Robins, incidentally, are clinging to fourteenth place based on Slogda's free-falling goal differential.
66': I should say, Twineur's chances of sneaking into the Challengers' Cup somehow are even more distant than Bassabook's, but credit to Hartford-Phelps for letting his core players do their thing and not capitulating. Even on the road, the fans are enjoying this show. I think. Probably.
67': Goal! And it's...Shirley Bao for the Rovers putting them on the scoreboard against Namiri Forest, who still lead 2-1. Okay, neat.
74': Nora Kent-Maner scores for Sporting Esper! It's 2-2 in the capital, and suddenly that Fryx goal is enormous. And hang on, we've got something...
75': Goal! For Alicia Sakura-Willow and Spenson in Bassabook. Yes, her parents both had tree names. Yes, that's pretty weird for techno-futuristic Spenson. No, we don't have anything better to talk about, Spenson are pants. Unless there's another...oh, no way...
76': Two minutes after Kent-Maner's goal, Judy McCarter scores again for Sporting Esper. And somehow, with approximately a quarter-hour remaining, Trebuchet Cham find themselves in the lead. Can they possibly hold on?
77': Tova Miovuku in with a senseless foul on Nestor and that has to be a penalty. Come on, guys.
78': Nestor will take it herself; Assane Garin-Thresh guesses wrong in the Cabbas' goal, and it's 5-4. Cham clinging to a slim lead.
85': I found this too much melodrama to take so I switched over to the mesmerizing mire that is the Oxen versus Namiri Independent. Right, that's me properly calmed down then, let's see some added time excitement.
89': Anyone?
Full time: nope, that's it. Kate DiMarini isn't there to take credit, and leaders like Edwin Cherenkov-Nguyen have moved on as well, but the Cabbas have done it. I don't know about you, but I think that was worth the shakeup, yeah?
Pos/Team Pld W D L GF GA GD Pts
1 Trebuchet Cham 30 17 5 8 64 54 +10 19.5
2 Canbix Muses 30 15 8 7 44 25 +19 19
3 Arlington City 30 14 10 6 43 25 +18 19
4 Ephesian FC 30 15 8 7 60 43 +17 19
5 102d Jr.s 30 12 9 9 46 32 +14 16.5
6 Namiri Forest 30 12 9 9 26 20 +6 16.5
7 Bassabook Old Boys 30 14 5 11 58 57 +1 16.5
8 Twineur Bugs 30 11 8 11 48 43 +5 15
9 Eintracht Trink 30 11 8 11 70 66 +4 15
10 Keppal Cosmos 30 11 8 11 22 25 −3 15
11 Rovers United 30 11 6 13 44 48 −4 14
12 FTC United 30 9 8 13 47 57 −10 13
13 Namiri Independent 30 6 11 13 39 61 −22 11.5
14 Sporting Esper 30 9 4 17 23 38 −15 11
15 Excelsior Slogda 30 8 4 18 31 47 −16 10
16 Spenson Suburbia 30 7 5 18 34 58 −24 9.5
Cereal CupSo here's the thing. A big reason why this tournament exists is to provide a qualifier to the VCI. And the qualifier to the VCI, by definition, cannot be one of the top
n (IFCF qualifying) teams in the league. So it...
kind of doesn't matter if Arlington just clean up. Now, of course, we would not want to diminish the history of this grand tournament and its unique formats which pay tribute to our cultural idiosyncrasies. But...we figured we wouldn't need to adjust the ranking system too much, because even if one of the big sides dominates, it wouldn't be a problem.
Well, it turns out, it kind of was a problem. Just not in the way we expected.
First RoundArlington City 6–1 Twineur Bugs
Trebuchet Cham 2–3 Eintracht Trink
Ephesian FC 1–0 FTC United
Canbix Muses 2–0 Sporting Esper
Namiri Forest 3–1 Rovers United
Keppal Cosmos 2–0 Namiri Independent
102d Jr.s 2–1 Excelsior Slogda
Bassabook Old Boys 4–2 Spenson Suburbia
Arlington, upon being told that they were allowed to dominate the whole competition and nobody would actually care, say "thank you very much" and proceed to deliver a beatdown to the Bugs.
This may actually have been the place where Dale Hartford-Phelps was like "let's build some character" and played the kids, upon consideration. Between Meldi'ita Mungwaii, Junia McCue, Reinhold Elston, Rosalie Penn-Dayton, Paula Preckwinkle, and Doro Aemon-Shay, Arlington helped construct lots of character. Molly Nestor was the only goalscorer for the visitors.
In the battle of the German-speakers, Eintracht Trink got the only upset. A nervy first half finished 1-1 via goals from Rolf Ronake-Daste (Cham) and Keiko Mitsubishi (Trink). A Kayla Haugen header opened the second half for Cham, but Trink quickly pulled one back via Rutger Jenkins-Palin. The momentum helped, and Moira LaRue found the winner five minutes later.
Elsewhere, Forest defeated the Rovers. Farrokh Sokhi, Sakina Keshavan-Kaur, and Ganesh Pandey all scored, while Paavo Loris was the only scorer for the Rovers. This wasn't important at the time, and it wasn't exactly important later either, but...it's foreshadowing, okay, you'll see.
Second RoundArlington City 2–0 Canbix Muses
Namiri Forest 1–1 Keppal Cosmos
Bassabook Old Boys 0–3 Ephesian FC
Eintracht Trink 0–1 102d Jr.s
FTC United 0–2 Trebuchet Cham
Excelsior Slogda 2–1 Sporting Esper
Rovers United 5–2 Namiri Independent
Spenson Suburbia 2–2 Twineur Bugs
Arlington manage to do what they couldn't during the regular season, and that is defeat Canbix, behind goals from Preckwinkle and Elston. Ephesian also remain perfect, with Paulina Henrico, Jesse McWhorter, and Marianne Ezekiel scoring to set up another big northeastern clash in the third round. The Rovers, fresh off of losing to one Namiri side, get vicarious revenge on another and get a positive goal differential to boot. Trink no longer have a positive goal differential after losing to Valerie Waugh and 102d. Forest and Keppal play out a stale draw, with Pandey scoring for the hosts and Dimitra Exarchopolous for the visitors, thus prompting the Janaki Gardens PA announcer to puzzle over "Exarchopolous." Keppal don't get to claim the "fighting on two fronts" excuse for how tired their defense has looked, they weren't up to much in the league either.
Third RoundEphesian FC 2–1 Arlington City
102d Jr.s 0–0 Namiri Forest
Keppal Cosmos 2–3 Trebuchet Cham
Rovers United 0–1 Canbix Muses
Eintracht Trink 4–1 Excelsior Slogda
Twineur Bugs 3–2 Bassabook Old Boys
Spenson Suburbia 0–0 FTC United
Sporting Esper 1–0 Namiri Independent
In the northeastern battle, Ephesian get the edge, with goals from April Ixcal and Jaclyn Burkhart more than what Penn-Dayton could contribute. But again, both of these sides have more important things to think about than this, like trying to win the league (spoiler alert: they will not). 102d and Namiri Forest play out a quiet scoreless draw, with Fedya Troy-Vee occasionally spurred into action but both sides mostly content to park the trains. Somehow this gives 102d the right to face Ephesian in the next round, as the latter seek to clinch the cup championship, but again, 102d are also aiming for an IFCF place.
Canbix defeat the Rovers behind a Dina Udrie-Lous tap-in. This isn't surprising. The Rovers, bluntly, aren't even a good team, and they can't use the "dead people" excuse (not that they would want to anyway), they're just a bad side. Which is fine! Sometimes baddish sides even qualify for the VCI, as the Rovers did a couple seasons ago! It's just...well.
Another side that is not good is Slogda, and they were easily beaten by Trink, with Hanna Suzuki assisting both Piet Wilkes and LaRue. Noelle Raschka scored a blazing long shot from distance, and Mitsubishi tacked on a fourth in added time.
Fourth RoundEphesian FC 1–0 102d Jr.s
Arlington City 4–2 Eintracht Trink
Trebuchet Cham 2–1 Namiri Forest
Canbix Muses 4–2 Keppal Cosmos
Twineur Bugs 2–3 Rovers United
Sporting Esper 0–1 Bassabook Old Boys
Excelsior Slogda 1–0 Spenson Suburbia
Namiri Independent 1–2 FTC United
Geomraff yCinrhadd scores for Ephesian to end his tenure in Zwangzug with a real and definitely prestigious and valuable trophy, as the capital side wins the Cereal Cup. 102d are off to the IFCF so they really don't care. Canbix defeat their bitter-central rivals to finish with three wins from four, but they're off to the IFCF so they really don't care. Arlington and Cham defeat Trink and Forest, respectively, but
they're off to the IFCF so
they really don't care. The italicized "they"s in the previous sentence refer to "Arlington and Cham," who are the subjects of the sentence. Not to Trink and Forest. Who do care.
Because, in either a remarkable display of parity and competitiveness or a synopsis of how silly and absurd this competition is, the champions of the cup tally are Ephesian (4 points), who can't go to the VCI. Trailing them on 3 points are Arlington, Cham, and Canbix, who can't either. Trailing
them on 2.5 points are 102d, who weren't even expected to do this well in either the cup or the league, but did, and...well. That brings us down to the four teams sitting on four points. We'll go ahead and say that goal differential matters here, so Bassabook and their -1 are disqualified. But Namiri Forest, Eintracht Trink, and Rovers United all have two points and plus one goal. What now? Head to head? Namiri beat the Rovers in the first round, but Trink weren't involved, so...
After a long and eager discussion in league headquarters, we decided to defer to the precedent set by the coolest and tallest of the club invitationals. Sorry, Vilita...it's time for a three-way round-robin, Aeropag style. The matches were held down in the Eagles' Club to be fair and remove the need for home advantage, although when one of the clubs is Rovers United does that even matter? Whatever.
Rovers United 1–2 Eintracht Trink
Namiri Forest 2–0 Rovers United
Eintracht Trink 3–0 Namiri Forest
Fortunately--except for the neutrals who were hoping for penalties--the outcome was clear-cut. Trink won both of their games handily, with Savannah Kurge the only person to score against them. Wilkes and LaRue scored in the first game; Suzuki, Amane Tachibana, and Isidore Timm-Joffe in the finale. Forest blanked the Rovers, which gets them...nothing, honestly, this isn't the kind of mini-tournament where second place matters. No offense.
August AsininityFirst Round:Frammard College 3–0 Ashthorn College
Fleinhardt College 0–2 Neume College
College of the Riverside 2–0 Shanbock University
University of Naspe 2–3 Culver College
Parmel District University 3–4 St. Deedrag University
University of Sinako 0–2 Ozcheb University
Pittman University 1–7 Orling College
Mursbayley College 2–2 University of Ponderosa (2–3 AET)
University of Dauclem 2–0 Ronquebuck University
University of Jeatt--Lucina 2–0 University of Greater Zwangzug
University of Jeatt--Kindtown 2–5 Brench
University of Twineur 3–4 Geeccles University
Taravin College 0–1 Wawen College
Hassench College 0–4 Zwangzug University
Stoal Institute of Science 0–1 Minong College
Edison College 2–3 Elizur Mountain College
Stiglex University 3–2 Bulkeley College
Zwangzug National University 2–3 Erewhon University
Westfield College 2–2 Jefhed College (2–3 AET)
Maddon College 0–2 AIU
Liulevi University 3–3 Leblanc Universite (3–3 AET) (5–4 pen.)
Heisenberg University 0–1 Sapper Tech
Bryce College 0–0 Klerked College (1–0 AET)
Modal College 1–4 Lanius University
Engdahl Institute 4–2 Snowden College
Mandelbrot University 0–1 Universitaet Schwandt
College of Bronc 3–3 DU (4–3 AET)
Glune Institute of Natural Sciences 1–2 University of 102d
Newtown Institute 2–3 Scholl College
102d Polyteknik 2–3 College of Twake
University of Homler 2–2 Freund College (2–2 AET) (4–1 pen.)
Henssen Institute 2–2 Zwangzug University of Science (2–3 AET)
Second Round:Frammard College 2–3 Neume College
College of the Riverside 1–4 Culver College
St. Deedrag University 0–1 Ozcheb University
Orling College 0–0 University of Ponderosa (0–0 AET) (4–5 pen.)
University of Dauclem 2–2 University of Jeatt--Lucina (2–3 AET)
Brench 2–2 Geeccles University (3–2 AET)
Wawen College 2–0 Zwangzug University
Minong College 1–0 Elizur Mountain College
Stiglex University 2–4 Erewhon University
Jefhed College 1–2 AIU
Liulevi University 1–2 Sapper Tech
Bryce College 0–1 Lanius University
Engdahl Institute 1–0 Universitaet Schwandt
College of Bronc 1–1 University of 102d (1–1 AET) (4–2 pen.)
Scholl College 1–0 College of Twake
University of Homler 1–1 Zwangzug University of Science (1–1 AET) (4–3 pen.)
Third Round:Neume College 2–4 Culver College
Ozcheb University 1–0 University of Ponderosa
University of Jeatt--Lucina 2–3 Brench
Wawen College 2–0 Minong College
Erewhon University 1–4 AIU
Sapper Tech 1–1 Lanius University (1–1 AET) (4–3 pen.)
Engdahl Institute 1–0 College of Bronc
Scholl College 2–0 University of Homler
Fourth Round:Culver College 0–2 Ozcheb University
Brench 0–0 Wawen College (1–0 AET)
AIU 0–0 Sapper Tech (0–0 AET) (2–4 pen.)
Engdahl Institute 1–1 Scholl College (2–2 AET) (4–3 pen.)
Semifinals:Ozcheb University 1–2 Brench
Sapper Tech 1–2 Engdahl Institute
Third place:Ozcheb University 0–2 Sapper Tech
Final:Brench 1–2 Engdahl Institute
Last season's championship rematch came early, with Helena Buis and company defeating Zwangzug University in the second round. We would be denied a Buis-Theodore showdown in the finals, however; despite leading their respective sides to the quarterfinals, the Nepharim seniors end their academic careers there. Still, a very impressive performance, and no doubt 1./ sides will be chomping at the bit for them should they choose to enter the transfer lists.
Credit to Louise Halldorson, the manager of Engdahl Institute, for guiding her side to another strong finish. Halldorson has a gentle touch on the field, but is very scientifically minded when it comes to practices and formations to use. After mentoring Lianne Northrup and the next wave, she might be looking for another challenge? Or maybe not. Anyway, I better post this before it's September.
Link to previewZwangzug (ZWZ) qualifiers
IFCF Champions League: Trebuchet Cham, Canbix Muses
IFCF Challengers Cup: Arlington City, Ephesian FC, 102d Jr.s
League of Victors: Trebuchet Cham, Canbix Muses
Confederations' Trophy: Arlington City
VCIAPP: Eintracht Trink (ZWZ)
Zwangzug (ZWZ) final site bids
Taça das Confederações: Simplex 3, 102d
Shared with the University of 102d, and the pep band can occasionally be seen leading pep rallies or pulling complicated pranks. 102d have had long stretches of futility which the team has tried to spice up with lots of promotional events such as Pride Night, Disability Awareness Night, Descriptive English Night (not a big attraction in 102d), Zebra Night, etc. 102d is a city known for being on the cutting edge of trendy innovations, and their favorite board game is Scrabble. Which isn't that trendy, except...