Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

Where nations come together and discuss matters of varying degrees of importance. [In character]
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Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Wed Jun 10, 2009 4:52 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 10 June 2009

WApocalypse Now?
Confusion reigns as Kennyites pull out of world body

WA diplomats violently confront each other over the color scheme on Turkmenistan's WFE.

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- The sea level rose slightly last weekend, sparking fears of an impending global warming crisis, as the collective drool of conspiracy nuts greeted the government's recent announcement that, like the UN before it, the WA had apparently "spectacularly imploded in a colossal fireball of extra-dimensional inanity." "Which is pretty freakin' ironic, if you think about it," the missive continued.

This followed a cryptic announcement the day before, wherein the government claimed it "cannot account" for the WA's whereabouts. "We don't understand it; it was right here just a minute ago!" read the message.

All day long Sunday, news commentators feverishly discussed the electrifying international political crisis -- not about the WA, but the latest sex scandal surrounding "Jon & Kate Minus 8," a reality show chronicling the life of a self-absorbed couple who have their children taken away for shamelessly exploiting them on national television.

But Internet narcissists couldn't get enough of the world legislative body's mysterious disappearance. Blog traffic on one-world-government-themed Web sites exploded over the weekend, as pimply-faced geeks in pajamas posted their own theories explaining what had happened to the World Assembly. Some contended that military grade helicopters, while trying to transfer some Texan nation to Hyrule, accidentally picked up WA Headquarters instead and left them in parts unknown. Others claimed that the WA simply ran out of funding, since "donation" really did mean "voluntary," and thus no one was willing to pay up.

But the most popular theory making the rounds on Internet message boards is one pushed by the Flattened World Society, contending that the World Assembly was an elaborate hoax and that all the televised debates and votes on resolutions were staged for public consumption.

"Like there's such a thing as talking bears or giant squid cyborgs, anyway," scoffed FWS spokeswoman Jessica Dreagel during a news conference last week. "I mean, it's almost as silly as all those stories about 'foul-mouthed dolphins'! Ha!"

Other Web proponents of the wild theory cite as "proof" supposed photographic evidence that Quintessence of Dust Ambassador Lois Merrywether is really Gruenberg's Poppo Poppypants, only without the regular male-hormone treatments. Some have also pointed out that the national motto of Aundotutunagir, when translated into the country's native language, is an anagram for "WORLD ASSEMBLY FAKE."

And apparently, if you freeze the video for a floor debate on torture, at the point where Gobbannium's Cerys Coch hurls some random nitwit out the window, "zooming up to her waist clearly shows the words 'This is a hoax' on the band of her panties," claimed Keith Link, the author of several UFO-themed books, including "Maxtopian Deception: The Truth behind the Story That We Are All Figments of Internet Addicts' Imaginations."

When a recently discovered document, supposedly a secret Defense Department report on terror detainees held at the Tiki Taki military prison, revealed that WA Ambassador Susa Batko-Yovino had actually been an inmate there since April 2008, it gave rise to the theory that "World Assembly" was just a game Batko-Yovino and his fellow inmates liked to play with each other, and that the supposed "defenestrations" were documented evidence of detainee abuse.

More respectable sites detailed Fernanda Administration insiders' growing concern that they were being played, especially when it was announced that the WA would start doing silly things like "liberating" regions, electing underlings for Catherine Gratwick, settling the score once and for all over whether llamas or squirrels are the cooler national animal, and congratulating Kandarin for the artful trim on his pubes.

"That's when we started to suspect that the World Assembly might have been an April Fools' joke after all," an unnamed administration official is quoted as saying on the popular cultural-news site,

"Hell," the official said, "no WA means we can finally get back to that presidential election" -- recently suspended when President Fernanda tried to proposition a CNN debate moderator (but was instead horrified to discover that Anderson Cooper was really a man).

Alerted to action on the news of the WA's ceasing to exist, debate in the Federal Congress ground to a halt when Assembly Speaker Emeritus Knotts Berry suddenly came out of retirement to propose that, since the Congress had "already debated pretty much every kind of legislation there is," it might start discussing ways to "make the Assembly better at doing exactly what it's doing now."

The ensuing debates on "Commending Antigone Morgan for that spectacular rack," "Commending Jack Riley for remembering to take his medication," "Condemning Justin Timberlake for thinking he's black," "Condemning Fox News for not hiring more hot babes as newsreaders" ought to have given the pro-WA and anti-WA factions in Congress enough time to hammer out resolution in response to the situation. But alas, when the Assembly finally ran out of things to commend or condemn, and had already removed the passwords for 10 states, they were still hopelessly stymied.

Then at midnight Sunday, an eleventh-hour deal was struck, and Congress unanimously voted to tar and feather the Unibotian ambassador. Whether the Federal Republic would actually remain part of the World Assembly was not addressed.

Golgothastani rep hospitalized after losing reality show

SÆGLÓPUR, Golgothastan --- National football team head coach and recent celebrity Jack Barryson has been admitted to the psychiatric wing of the Breiðafjarðar Hospital, hours after losing in the final of the popular TV show Golgothastan Hasn't Got Much Talent If This Band Of Wankers Is The Best We Can Muster. Formerly known as Jack Weisgaarden, he served as Golgothastan's only representative to the UN/WA for years, and is believed to have been taken into care after suffering a total mental and emotional breakdown induced by stress, exhaustion, and total existential crisis. His rampant alcoholism probably doesn't help.

The show's producers defended their treatment of him, however, and have been quick to stress ancillary factors in his deterioration, such as the recent revelation that the World Assembly in fact does not exist and is merely a sinister deception perpetrated by a secretive group known as The Green Ink Brigade, who aim to continually discuss unimportant issues such as terrorism, free trade, and human rights in a bid to bore the guards at CERN to death so that they can steal some antimatter and wreak their terrible vengeance on an unforgiving world.

Jack Barryson had always flirted with fame as a minor novellist, a resistance leader, a diplomat, and a sports coach, but it is definitely his performance on GGT that has finally propelled him into the limelight. Dr Oliver Jamesson, Professor of Pop Psychology and Hasty Generalisations at the University of Gobbledigook, said, "This incident should lead us to question the impact reality TV show has, not just on our culture, but on the contestants themselves," in his audition tape for Celebrity Pig-Fucking.

On the advice of our attorneys, we have never heard of a singer named "Susan Boyle."

The unkempt, unshaven figure Jack cut on the show was sharply at odds with his surprisingly melodic cover of the popular song Hoppípolla. But what catapulted him to fame was the widespread international distribution of video of his performance on the video-sharing website BoobTube. As far away as Gruenberg, actress Semi Moore and her husband, Acton (12), were said to have become fans after watching the video, and flew in specially to support him in the final, and gross everyone out.

His final performance was not good enough, though, as he was beaten out by controversial comedian Noel Liamsson, whose act consisted of smashing watermelons with a giant mallet, and culminated in eight-minute act of violent self-love, accompanied by the music of Ravel's Bolero and occasional strenuous grunts. Other finalists included dance group "Purity", whose performance was "in honour of Golgothastan's racial heritage", and 10-year-old ballerina Suzie Creamcheese. "After her performance I needed a tissue," said one teary-eyed audience member. "Yeah, and some KY and a tubesock," added another.

While many are predicting that the former ambassador could net millions of flugufrelsarinns with a singing contract, others have pointed out that the currency's perennially weak buying power makes that a less exciting prospect. Doctors at the facility have not commented on his condition, but longtime friend Starálfur Bort Chocowitz said, "We all wish Jack a speedy recovery, and would like to reassure that we are all looking after his pet poisonous tarantula, Pebbles, while he is in the hospital." He then rattled a seemingly empty shoebox before his face dissolved into a shade of grey horror.

He is hardly the only WA ambassador currently engaging in strange behaviour -- well, stranger than usual, that is. In Quintessence of Dust, Congressional Liaison Samantha Benson has reportedly gone under the knife for "nose enhancement surgery" after being accused of having a "kleinschnauzer" by commenters on an Internet message board. And Gruenberger Observer-Ambassador Biggles McXiminez had to forcibly restrained by members of the WAHQ security services after discovering that the imminent dissolution of the WA might lead to his tab at the Strangers' Bar being closed out. Unfortunately, the security officials were called away to more important duties once it emerged that a region had included some purple lettering in its World Factbook Entry, leading McXiminez to attempt to turn the Vastiva Memorial Reflecting Pool into a primitive still.

Fernanda re-election campaign hires Palentine emperor's son

THE BURGH, The Palentine --- Her Imperial Hottness has made arrangements for her younger brother Lionel Q. Spaulding and his girlfriend Remy Sinclair to receive a government internship with a regional ally, Omigodtheykilledkenny. The 19-year-old half brother is an honor graduate of Dr. Hugo's Academy for Young Scoundrels in Zelienople where he specialized in dooziness and skirt-chasing. He and his girlfriend both attend Palentine Polygnostic University. Having finalized arrangements with Secretary of State Sammy Faisano, the young couple will be working with President Fernanda's re-election campaign.

The lad is the spitting image of dear ol' Dad.

Her Hottness was quoted as saying, "This is an excellent opportunity for both nations to have our youths make additional contacts. I have great faith that Manuelo's....err...President Fernanda's campaign will help they two gain practical knowlage in the workings of governments."

But the Empress also offered a personal warning in the speech, "Ace and Rico, I'm only going to say this one time. If you come anywhere near my brother or Remy, I'll personally rip your pot smoking lips off."

Pundits here and abroad have both praised the internship as a way for the next generation of leaders to make acquaintance, and also condemned the move as blatant and naked nepotism.

Unsubstantiated rumors also place the young couple at the forefront of a controversial Fernanda re-election ad released on the Web recently. Lionel's counsel from the law firm of Dewey, Cheetham and Howe have declined to comment on the allegations.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Tue Jul 29, 2014 7:49 pm, edited 4 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Destructor stages coup; Gruenberg misses booze

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sat Aug 15, 2009 6:00 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 15 August 2009

Booze ban blamed for belly blubber
Gruenberger sultan orders review of govt's two-year prohibition course

Pink Bunny Cola may not cause herpes, but studies warn that the absence of alcohol could
be driving Gruenbergers to an unhealthy reliance on sugar for stress release.

FLURTHWEL, Gruenberg -- His High Holiness Sultan Gardab Woltzten IX has ordered Attorney General Lori Jiffjeff to undertake a "thorough review of the full ramifications" of the ban on alcohol in Gruenberg after recent global polls showed an alarming increase in obesity in the Holy Wenaist Sultanate, which now ranks "17th fattest in the world". He added - "Get it? RAM-ifications!"

Since leaving the international organization, Gruenberg has continued to permit UN/WA inspectors into its country to collect information for global census reports, less to demonstrate its commitment to government transparency and more to continually boast about its dominance in the world cheese market over Yeldan rivals, but the latest set of reports, including one showing a drastic increase in crime rates, have left the Sultan deeply concerned.

Although there is not yet any indication the ban on alcohol will be reversed, the review comes as a political blow to Jiffjeff, perhaps even more serious than having an entire terrorist organization devoted to her cleavage. Her stern hand at the Justice Department has been admired by many and she remains high popular approval numbers in the populace at large, despite her zealous advocacy of temperance. She has been toughening up anti-smuggling operations to deal with Gurglestani heroin flooding into Moroschwegen, but says alcohol remains her greatest priority. "We will not be free till every drop of poison is gone from our blessed land," she recently said in an online dating ad she posted on

The Sultan said he had ordered the review after being presented with "overwhelming evidence" of a correlation between alcohol deprivation and binge eating. The report is believed to have been authored by Gruenberger Central Bank Chair Rono Pyandran, the noted diplomat, political figure, and crack fiend. He has also ordered the Viziery to conduct an inter-agency effort to deal with the country's obesity problem.

In a sense, that Gruenbergers are growing fatter is simply an indication of how successful the Sultan's once-controversial economic policies have been. More and more Gruenbergers no longer live in poverty, and many cheap fast food chains from home and abroad cater to low- and middle-income consumers. Gruenberger diet has traditionally been high in fruit, dolphins and vegetables, as well as goat's cheese, but meat is now becoming cheaper and more readily available. Additionally, the influx of whalemeat following the UN's decision to repeal its whaling ban, including the fantastically popular WhaleCo meal range, has meant, as the company says in their Gruenberger advertising campaign, "Blubber For All The Family!"

The Sultan has also expressed concern about fatty and high-sugar products being marketed at children, such as the "Happy Ram Yogurt Range", consisting almost entirely of sugar and plastic, and "Mister Jones Munchables", chocolate-covered biscuits shaped like a popular cartoon character.

Of little help is the vagueness of Wenaist dietary laws. While Mother Wena herself was a vegetarian she ate in the company of omnivores and the only widely-held proscription is on eating goats' meat. Traditional Gruenberger fare has generally been heavy on rice, and meat highly spiced in curries that many non-natives cannot manage to eat. The ban on alcohol has been varyingly observed through the centuries, but fruit juices, milk, and above all tea have always been more popular anyway.

An additional factor is the influx of soda products, leading to what has been dubbed the "Cola Wars" as various foreign imports, such as Pink Bunny Cola and Blast!, compete with phenomenally popular domestic brands such as GruenCola, Tangoat, and GruenChem Non-Toxic Industrial Syrup Mix #7. Domestic cola companies engage in protracted labour battles, wage small-scale wars for resources, and hire leading celebrities for endorsements. They have been the most direct beneficaries of the ban on alcohol, as younger generations eschew traditional teas and juice drinks for their brightly-coloured logos to quench their thirst.

Some suspect the move may also be a cunning political gambit by the Sultan, given the leader of the National Congress minority, Merbar Chon of the Liberal Party, is a fat fuck, while His High Holiness - who Court insiders have suggested has finally given up alcohol himself - has been notably lean in recent months, partly in an effort to battle with heart troubles that have plagued him in the past few months.

Destructor's fake coup turns off some Conservative voters

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- The latest primary election results are in, and Manuelo Fernanda has triumphed in his home "state" of Paradise City, but a "coup" stunt he recently pulled in an attempt to marginalize his chief primary opponent has offended many voters, polls show.

The president added to his victory in the Nessie Shelf last month by trouncing Judge Sandy Schweitzer in Tuesday's Kenny Memorial District primary, snapping up 89 percent of the vote to Schweitzer's 10 percent. As expected, the smaller Thorland primary, held the same day on Schweitzer's home turf, went in the judge's favor, 54 percent to 44 percent.

Fernanda's victory party, held not far from his current Frowning Street residence, eschewed the alarming militarist images of his staged "coup" in Paradise City the week before. The Stripper Commandos and the military hardware and the tall red banners bearing demagogic images of the president were kept out of sight, but the unbearable arrogance of the Commander in Chief was still on full display.

"Shows how much you fuckers in the media know!" Fernanda defiantly shouted to a cheering throng of well-wishers. "All you chattering idiots in the liberal press thought I'd have been hung out to dry by now. Bet you punk-ass bitches never dreamed I'd be going into Super Tuesday as the clear front-runner, huh?!"

The rhetoric had changed little since his news conference to announce his faux coup, as he stood before the press corps dressed as Surly the Repealinator and wielding a scary-looking automatic weapon, joking about how he was going to "exterminate" all the "Girly Men" in his party who had gone soft on their support for him, "and even the not-so-girly men, like Judge Sheister!"

(Fernanda offered a few more choice digs at "Sandy Sheister" before he was finished, "revealing" that she had once signed up to be a stripper commando, but was turned away because "they already had plenty of dudes"; and later claiming that she was "the federal judiciary's very own Lady Gaga, only a lot less feminine.")

President Fernanda has long since stopped caring about his job, yet for some reason he insists on keeping it.

As the president spoke that day, tanks rolled down the streets of Paradise City, as squads of Stripper Commandos marched astride them, holding back the curious crowds that had gathered to witness the spectacle, and occasionally treating street lamps like stripper polls.

Rumors began to circulate that Fernanda had canceled next year's elections and declared himself some kid of glorified dictator. Among the less-preposterous claims that began to pop up on Internet sites that day was a story that Empress Jhessan would soon be declared the president's "Sex Goddess" -- sort of like a First Lady, only freakier -- and that the "United Regimes" of Omigodtheykilledkenny and The Palentine would soon team up with Yelda and Urgench to wipe out the nation of Glen-Rhodes.

When the rumors turned out to be false, Fernanda's approval numbers began to sag, with many more voters now describing him as "weak and wobbly," "soft," "a wimp," "a coward," and "just like John Kerry." The Paradise City Town Crier poll released this week showed that fewer Conservative primary voters now planned to support him, down to 49 percent from 56 percent last month. Schweitzer meanwhile has jumped from 35 percent last month to 40 percent now.

But the president seized the stage at Tuesday night's victory bash as though the new poll numbers didn't exist, as he confidently predicted to jubilant supporters that his performance on Super Tuesday "is gonna make our 9-to-1 win tonight look like a long, hard slog!", and persisted in his stinging attacks on Judge Sandy Schweitzer.

"Judge Sheister won't know what hit him! He'll be crying like a little girl!" quipped the Destructor. "He had such high hopes of becoming the first president of this country to straddle both genders (with the possible exception of John Thorne), but now they're being dashed against the rocks!-- Judge Sheister, what are you doing here?!"

Before anyone realized what was going on, Judge Schweitzer appeared out of nowhere and body-slammed the president, knocking him to the floor and bashing his head against the stage several times before the Secret Service could restrain her.

"You know I can't stand the bitch, but I gotta hand it to her on her technique," Empress Jhessan told Fox News later that evening. "It's surprisingly good, especially coming from such a dried up old cunt!"

Ex-PM placed on probation for weapons-trafficking

NATASCORA, The Altan Steppes --- The trial of the "ImperiCan Three" came to a surprising end this week, with all three defendants pleading no contest as part of a deal to avoid jail time.

With a preponderance of the facts against him, and with increasing signs that his unorthodox defense strategy was not working, Garri Auken said that there "really was no other choice" but to take the plea deal offered by the Justice Department.

"We still feel, frankly, that this was a political prosecution. But we have no way to prove it, and there won't be any justice served by sending these three people to jail," Auken said.

Federal Judge Ali Abdul-Malik signed off on the deal, which keeps the "ImperiCan Three" out of jail and free citizens. But they will still pay a heavy price.

Jinella Agaranth will be forced to resign her position as a Representative, and will additionally be barred from holding political office in the Federation for at least five years, as part of her plea deal on corruption and embezzlement charges. She will be allowed to keep her position as NAP party chairwoman, but the deal prevents her from running for President in 2012.

Altan opposition leader Jinella Agaranth is banned from serving in public office for five years.

Menir Kasimira, the CEO of Altanari Maritime Bank and the Port of Kyrinia Corporation, will be forced to resign from both posts. The Kasimira family will also be required to divest all of its holdings in both companies.

Valen Tracor, the CEO of Kingmaker Security Corporation, will be forced to resign from his position as well, and divest all his holdings in KSC.

Both the Kasimira family and Tracor are also barred from holding any executive positions with AMB, PKC or KSC for at least five years. The bans on Agaranth, the Kasimiras and Tracor will be reviewed after their five-year probation ends, and possibly lifted at that time if no other crimes are committed.

The ruling takes effect immediately, which means there will be a scramble to fill Agaranth's seat in the Federal Legislature, as well as the seats of five other NAP legislators who turned state's evidence in an earlier plea deal. There will also be a scramble to fill the vacant CEO positions at AMB, PKC and KSC, as well as a sudden opportunity for investors to buy up the Kasimira and Tracor holdings in those companies.

"With this deal, we have achieved a great victory for the rule of law in the Federation," prosecutor Nayan Burilgi said. "We have shown that no matter how rich or powerful you are, you cannot thumb your nose at the laws of the Federation and embezzle taxpayer funds and get away with it."

Agaranth, Kasimira and Tracor all refused to comment for this article.

Ridiculously named Cobdenian viceroy recalled and replaced

PORT SIR RICHARD, Cobdenia --- In what has come to a shock to all Cobdenians, native and European, Admiral of the Fleet Sir Leslie Featherstonehaugh-Michelwhaite GCS GCRC GOG, the viceroy of Cobdenia for the past three years, has been recalled to London, for reasons as yet unknown.

Sir Gonville Cunniwarren, known to most as the Governor-in-Council of the New Port Richard province, is currently acting as the Viceroy, and his speedy knighthood and new hat are currently being taken as evidence to suggest that his appointment looks set to become permanent. This is unusual in that it would be the first time a career member of the Cobdenian Civil Service has held the appointment, though it is a change that is welcomed amongst both the European and much of the native population.

Editors were unable to locate a suitable image of the new Cobdenian leader,
but they did locate a file photo of a Richard Cobden statue, complete with halo.

However, Sustripico Lumil the leader of the Pro-Independence group "The Delegation", known for its popularity amongst lesser natives and its violence against cute animals, called the change in viceroy "an attack on what it means to be Cobdenian. It is us, not these British so-called gentleman, who should be in control of our own destiny. We demand independence, and we demand it now". He then iterated his plans to increase his acts of cruelty against pets. Five men linked with his organisation were later arrested on suspicion of "conspiring to throw puppies into a lake", then subsequently released without charge when it was discovered this was not a crime, and that no one gave a damn.

Rumours, however, persist about the recall. Was it due to the War Against Chechnya, which Sir Leslie controversially brought Cobdenia into when he came to power? Was it the surprising turnover in secretarial staff, and the high numbers on maternity leave? Or was it because his name wouldn't fit into the little white box on the settings screens? So far, the British government and the Cobdenian Secretary, Sir John Snipe-Maddox, have refused to comment on the issue.

Planet Murray™ opens in The Palentine

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- A new theme restaurant has opened in The 'Burgh, one dedicated to that expert in all things EVIL. Yes, my friends, Planet Murray™ is now open for business. The restaurant offers everything a family could want in an establishment: a kid's play area, arcade, live music, a bar, and four-star cooking at reasonable prices.

Planet Murray™ offers heart-stopping malice and evil for the whole family!

Planet Murray is decorated in a Caribbean and piratey style, with many mementos and images of the EVILEST Talking Skull in Nationstates. Additionally, this week, the Band known as the Travelling Ed Hochuli Gunn Show will perform live.

Even the evil one himself is quite pleased with the new restaurant. When asked about the grand opening, Murray told our reporter, "I'm quite happy with the way things have turned out at Planet Murray™. Personally I've always preferred unrelenting Malice and EVIL, but after discussions with my marketing minions, I decided to go with a kinder, gentler and wholesomely family-friendly style of EVIL for my new place. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!"

Murray also encouraged diners to visit the Planet Murray™ gift shop, to get all the official Murray merchandise. Currently there are Planet Murray™ locations in The 'Burgh, at Murrayland™ and in Zelieonople. There are plans to expand the chain elsewhere in the Palentine, and eventually franchise the chain throughout the entire Antarctic Oasis region.

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jun 08, 2011 12:25 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

'World Assembly' a hit; Olympic bid not so much

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sat Jan 30, 2010 2:15 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 30 January 2010

World rejects AO Olympic bid
But the Golgothastanis don't seem to mind...

The logo for Golgothastan/Quintessence of Dust's joint Olympic bid, believed
to have been designed by 9-year-old Pippi Jiffjeff.

Golgothastan --- Residents of Milanó have reacted generously to the decision of the NSOC to reject their nation's Olympic bid and instead award hosting rights of the Fifth Winter Games to Cafundeu. Although they burned members of the Executive Committee in effigy, looted the now defunct Olympic Village and have turned the Andvari Arena into a massive meth factory, Starálfur Bort Chocowitz noted from his Sæglópur residence that things would probably have been far worse if they'd actually won the bid. "I got a suspicious when I noticed the plans for the opening ceremony included markings for 'rotating knives'," said Chocowitz. "That said, the failure clearly represents a major personal setback, so perhaps I should be allowed to resign? Please? Anyone?"

Golgothastan had teamed up with Wysterian nation Quintessence of Dust to place a joint bid to host the Games. Starálfur Bort Chocowitz said the decision to bid had been undertaken after months of deliberation, though inside sources suggested it was in fact his hope the inevitable catastrophe should Golgothastan actually win will finally provide the impetus to remove him from office, after the Supreme Court threw out his latest attempt to have himself impeached.

The bid also faced competition from Casari and Krytenia, and was to break new ground by including sports for disabled athletes: wheelchair curling and sledge hockey. Given Quintessence of Dust's superior economic situation, it would have hosted the majority of events, including the opening and closing ceremonies, while Golgothastan showed the ceremonies on big screens and bought a really big crate of beer.

Mount Golgothastan would have been the site for the bobsleigh, luge and skeleton events, down the Álafoss Run (which is actually a scaled up version of what used to be Sæglópur's biggest waterpark flume). At its base, the city of Mílanó was to host the curling and wheelchair curling events in its Andvari Arena. An Olympic village was also set to be constructed in Mílanó, though administrators admitted it would probably be looted for scrap metal after the completion of the Games.

Pungent The Ice-Skating Penguin was to be the Olympic mascot, assisted by his friends Amelia The Amoeba and Yummy Whale. The latter character generated significant controversy, as just about the only thing Quintessence of Dust and Golgothastan actually have in common is a peculiar commitment to legal whaling. Some believe Yummy is intended to subtly endorse these policies; others, noting the fountain of blood erupting from his blowhole, aren't sure it's that subtle. A suitably nauseating range of merchandise based on the three friends will be produced for children and furries had the bid been approved.

Yummy Whale could be one of the more controversial proposed Olympic mascots

Some in the international sports community expressed reservations about Golgothastan's economic and security conditions, and their suitability for the Olympics. "Let's just say, we're glad the biathlon won't be taking place in Golgothastan," said one anonymous NSOC insider. "We'd be worried about the possibility of spectators firing back."

Golgothastan has decided to go ahead with participation at the coming Olympics despite the loss of their entire cross-country skiing team on the 50 km qualifying run. "They're out there...somewhere," said organizers, who speculated that the athletes might have forgotten to use their F keys once the Yetis appeared. Golgothastan's delegation will consist of a massive six entries including alpine skier Jón Hjörtursson, recently declared "the worst thing ever" by the International Ski Union; ski jumper Guðlaug Guðrúnsdóttir, who flies with the majestic grace of an epileptic penguin; and two curling teams who emerged from smoke-filled practice quarters at the Andvari Arena screaming that they were "on, really, my arm is on fire".

Empress Jhessan injured in terrorist attack

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- Empress Jhessan was recently injured when a car bomb exploded near the Will Punn Hotel. Jhessan was just leaving a luncheon, given in honor of Dr. Regis Jameson's 80th birthday.

Dr. Jameson was a former Palentine diplomat and professor of international studies at the Palentine Polygnostic University. The professor was also instrumental in helping to end the revolt of the former Alantari Colonies here in the AO. The empress was a surprise guest at the luncheon where she spoke, and presented Dr. Jameson with the Palentine Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor.

The bomb exploded as the Empress was making her way to the Imperial Limo. Empress Jhessan was knocked down by the blast, and a couple of downtown buildings, including the Will Punn Hotel, sustained minor damages as well. The Empress was rushed to Briarsford Military Hospital where emergency surgery was performed on the Empress. An spokesman for the Imperial family released a statement this morning stating the following:

"Empress Jhessan is doing well. She received an injury to her right eye and right arm. The surgeons had to replace both limbs with cybernetic replacements. The Empress is awake and alert, but will probably remain hospitalized for the rest of the week. We wish to convey our thanks and Jhessan's personal thanks for the prayers and well wishes."

Don't-cha wish your ruler was!

An anti-technological group calling itself the Frankenstein Destroyers claimed responsibility for the attack. The group protests the reliance of technology, and especially the new cybernetic computer technology recently made available to the public.

The group has said that the Empress' decision to adopt the technology for her own personal use has made her a target. "The empress is now an inhuman monster and must be destroyed, just as the rest of those who bow and worship their evil technology must be destroyed, lest they assimilate the rest of us to their false technological gods. The Empress is no longer fit to rule."

However most citizens of the Palentine are outraged by the assault on Her Hottness (who still is ranked as one of the most popular rulers since the Warrior Queen Kimoniwannalaya the Unchaste), and are calling for the government and police forces to crack down on these Luddite extremists.

'World Assembly' an unexpected reality TV hit

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Months after the Federal Republic withdrew on concerns that it had been duped into thinking it was real, the international celeb-reality program "World Assembly" is still a hit among Kennyite viewers, who continue to give it top marks in weekly TV surveys. The show's resilient popularity has even prompted the network that carries WA broadcasts in Omigodtheykilledkenny to consider sending Kennyite "representatives" to join the cast as a ratings boost.

The premise of "World Assembly" remains a mystery to its viewers and commercial sponsors who cherish the show as a cash cow. That it is a so-called "reality" documentary starring washed-up former bigshots in international diplomacy is certain. But whatever point there is to pretending to be "ambassadors," making up imaginary laws, and occasionally brawling with each other is lost on local observers.

Most TV critics seem to agree that the whole "model UN" thing is similar to group projects that cast members on other reality shows like "The Apprentice" are expected to participate in. The quirky setting has led to some hilarious on-camera incidents, like pie-fights, karaoke contests, dictionary wars, the flooding of Security Council chambers, and the condemnation of Macedon.

Dozens of slick fansites for show favorites like Bob Flibble, Horatio Sulla, Wens Foroun, the Thessadorian Ambassador, even Dicey Reilly, have popped up on Kennyite Web domains over the course of the show's two-season run. "World Assembly's" broad fanbase is intensely loyal, despite recent allegations that the supposed "reality" is actually staged, not unlike "The Osbournes."

K-SPAN, who owns the rights to the show in the Federal Republic, hypes the program relentlessly, piquing viewer interest with the catchy tagline, "This is the true story...of thousands of strangers...picked to work at the find out what happens...when diplomats stop being polite...and start tossing each other out the windows! THE REAL WORLD (Assembly)!"

Ratings for the Sept. 6 episode, "The One with Anti-Trade Fanatics Making Complete Asses Out of Themselves on Free Trade," were the highest yet, with an estimated 380 million households tuning in for a 21.1-point audience share.

Jessie McArthur is poised for a dramatic return to the WA. Here she rehearses
a dating game show for the Commend A mean old man debate.

But that's still not enough for K-SPAN network executives, who are banking on the introduction of Kennyite cast members to bring in an even larger weekly audience, not to mention reams of new cash from ad sales.

"This shit is ratings gold, and we want an even bigger piece of the action," said network flack Kevin Timberwolfe. "Focus groups reveal that viewers want to see less lawyering, less debate, more drama, more violence, more drinking, more profanity, more nudity, and more sex! And that's where the Kennyites naturally come in."

The idea, according to Timberwolfe, was to "spice things up" on the set by introducing the cast to a couple of self-absorbed hotties who would prance around in skimpy outfits, shamelessly flirt with all the guys and mercilessly trash-talk all the other girls. K-SPAN's initial choices for this role were Antigone Morgan and Jessie McArthur, but when Morgan declined, Timberwolfe said the network "opted to go in a slightly different direction" and hired Mark Reyes.

Both McArthur and Reyes have previous diplomatic experience -- McArthur as deputy ambassador to the UN and Reyes as an employee of his father's mammoth hotel chain and Karmicarian Callboys Unlimited™ -- and their movie-star good looks and generally whorish demeanor ought to satisfy audience demands for more drama, nudity and sex.

As for violence and profanity, Timberwolfe claimed K-SPAN was in negotiations with National Security Adviser Jenny Chiang, hoping to bribe her to leave former Ambassador Susa Batko-Yovino's cell at Guanatongamo Bay prison unlocked so he can occasionally return to the WA to wreak havoc on the cast, as he did countless times before the Kennyites decided to pull out of the show in May.

Timberwolfe admitted K-SPAN's plan represents "a tremendous gamble," but it's one advertisers are betting will pay off. Already McArthur and Reyes are receiving tons of offers of free clothes, accessories, cosmetics and merchandise if they commit to wearing and/or using the products on the show.

"I'm having a hard time deciding who the biggest whores are in all of this: the new cast members, the companies lining up to make money off them, or us for setting it all up in the first place!" Timberwolfe laughed.

"But really I think it's the latter," he said with a cocky grin as he lit a cigar with a 350-tree-fiddy bill.

Palentine grants autonomy to Kawaiian refugees

THE BURGH, The Palentine --- In a surprising announcement, the Kawaiian Water Dragon Clan living in the Palentine has been granted autonomy. Her Imperial Hottness, Empress Jhessan, declared that the clan's reservation and the people living on it has become an autonomous region.

Problems began a year ago, when the refugees from The Eternal Kawaii were allowed to settle in the Palentine for humanitarian reasons, due to the destruction of their homeland. For a while the refugees were nomadic, until a reservation away from the coast could be set up. There were some minor clashes between natives and the refugees, due to different beliefs and customs, that ended after permanent settlement. However a new problem arose soon afterward: the Kawaiian fondness for gambling and games of chance. The Patriarch of the Water Dragon clan wished to set up a casino, but was hampered by the current laws of the Palentine, and opposition from Palentine casino owners, who did not wish foreign competition.

The Empress decided at this point to step in. At first she tried negotiation between the aggrieved parties, but when that failed to break the deadlock, decided on this unprecedented step.

Ramifications of autonomy grant

For the first time since the Palentine was united by the Warrior Queen Kimoniwannalaya the Unchaste, there will be a territory in the country not governed by Palentine Law. Instead, the Water Dragon's reservation will be governed by Kawaiian Laws, and considered Kawaiian territory. The Kawaiians, especially their gambling business, will not be subject to Palentine taxation and regulation. Some Palentine tourism companies are in the process of making arrangements with the Kawaiian Casinos and Patriarch to allow day tours to the casinos, as this ruling makes the gambling odds better for Palentine citizens(even after currency exchange).

Furthermore, the Kawaiians have been given two non-voting seats in the Palentine Senate. Jhessan stated that this is to allow the Water Dragons to at least keep informed on politics and laws of the Palentine, and hopefully to build some goodwill between the two peoples.

Indignant reaction from Kennyite Kawaiians

Residents of Paradise City were soon after shocked by a large and noisy demonstration downtown, lead by members of the Kawaiian Wood Rat Clan. Normally seen only in the ghetto district known as The Fortress, the usually secretive and aloof Kawaiians were in full force, holding up banners reading "AUTONOMY FOR ALL", "FREE THE FORTRESS", and "A LITTLE CONSIDERATION, PLEASE?"

In addition to marchers carrying signs, there was a wild display of Kawaiian artistry on display, with protesters carrying large puppets showing Kennyite and Kawaiian leaders, martial arts displays, and some amazingly garish examples of Kawaiian clothing and other cultural arts. "Crazy freaks!" one local Kennyite was overheard at an impromptu counter-protest. "Who do these nutbars think they are?"

When cornered, one of the protesters was quoted as saying, "We just want equal consideration with our Water Dragon brothers. The Wood Rat clan's legal status has been in limbo since we arrived here, after all."

The Kennyite government's response to the furor was dismissive at best.

Kennyite anti-immigrant activists demanded the immediate expulsion of the Kawaiians during pro-autonomy protests. "Look how peacefully and placidly they march; they can't even riot right!" complained one activist.

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Mon Aug 25, 2014 4:32 pm, edited 5 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

SPECIAL REPORT: AO condemns WA 'tyranny'

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Mon Jul 12, 2010 1:20 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 12 July 2010

AO rejects WA world court

A Tale of Two Protests: WA opponents hold a civil and respectful demonstration in the 'Burgh, where residents are careful not to provoke the city's many gun owners...

...but show no such restraint in Omigodtheykilledkenny, where Xt'Tap protesters burn Catherine Gratwick in effigy.

MENIÑIM PRISON, Snefaldia --- In a show of outright defiance of international law, leaders of Antarctic Oasis have lashed out at "WA tyranny" in the wake of the world body's establishment of an International Criminal Court, and have pledged to ignore the court's directives.

What follows are accounts of individual members' reaction to the passage of WA Resolution #102.

Empress Jhessan to World Assembly: F@#% you!

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- The Palentine Government has made its views clear on the WA's creation of a world court late last month. Within hours Empress Jhessan, along with Prime Minister Lord Julius, issued a statement condemning the Festering Snakepit's actions, and announcing the The Palentine government will not recognize the authority of the court. Furthermore, the Palentine government will not allow its citizens to be tried by that body.

"The actions of the WA violate the constitution of the Palentine and the rights given its citizens," Jhessan said. "Under no circumstances will I allow my citizen's rights to be violated by an extra-governmental body. We will not permit officers of the court to enter the country. Should any attempt to apprehend any Palentine citizen, within our borders, then the officials of the ICC will be prosecuted to the fullest extent by Palentine Law."

The Festering Snakepit's actions struck a nerve among the average Palentine citizen, who normally pays little attention to the actions of that august body. Many citizens followed the debate either on the Palentine's government affairs channel, or K-SPAN's WA reality show, which is a very popular Kennyite import. Citizens also made their views known online and on talk radio. Most were happy to see that HIH took an active role speaking out against the ICC, and were dismayed that the WA fluffies and nanny-staters in this case had outvoted those opposing a world court.

Philimbesi sends back WA enforcement gnome

WEST WING, Philimbesi --- President Bartlet will neither confirm nor deny reports that a WA Compliance Gnome send to establish the ICC compliance rules was sent back to the WA headquarters with a stamp on his forehead bearing the words "Hell No!"

Press Secretary CJ Craig said "In accordance with Executive Order 6242010a the compliance Gnome was detained at the USP boarder checkpoint office and was denied access to country, he was then asked to return to the WA with our formal message of denial, he did so upon his own power."

When pressed as to the method the message was given, Ms Craig smirked and said. "The intent was pretty much written all over his face."

A mysterious "smoke monster," believed to have been deployed by Palentine and LMD mad scientists, hunts down gnomes connected with the enforcement of GA102.

Krioval claims harassment of top officials by WA 'court'

KARO TEVAS, Krioval --- Following several days of civil unrest related to the assassination of high-ranking Tyvok tribal leaders and the Altani conflict, the Kriovaller bureaucracy seems to be employing one of its trademark defenses against the encroachment of WA dominionist legislation - evasion.

As few outside agencies are capable of discerning the structure and power distribution across the whole of the Imperial Chiefdom, the enforcers of the new WA "Court" have been thoroughly unable to make any progress into any alleged investigations. While every civil servant has been unfailingly polite, the WA compliance ministers, who have requested anonymity, have indicated that they cannot begin to make heads or tails of the system.

"We keep getting passed back and forth," one lamented. "At least I can relax on the beach at WA expense," another laughed in response.

A mid-level bureaucrat in the Directorate of Diplomacy and Commerce indicated his personal disdain for the World Assembly international court, indicating that summonses had been issued for "several high-ranking officials", including, according to him, Director Lylia Vartek, Ambassador to the WA Aleksei Volkov, senior researcher in the Military Directorate Yuri Volodarski, and the Imperial Chief himself.

When questioned about the desire of the WA court to question these officials, he said, "They want to question half of our government. Well, I'd like to fuck Empress Jhessan, but I sincerely doubt that Her Hottness is seriously going to lower her standards just for me." He then repeated his insistence that his name not be published unless the Palentine Empress showed significant interest.

Ennish ruler and justice minister: 'Court? What Court?'

THE CITADEL, Enn --- Justice and Security Minister Keller Havyn, of the Lantari Freedom Party, and Lady Faren have issued a joint press release indicating that Enn would not recognise the so-called International Criminal Court, and would play no part in proceedings.

"There is no need for Enn's citizens to be worried by this latest development from the World Assembly," the statement read. "Enn sees no need to ever use the services of this apparent waste of time and WA funds. We are investigating ways of ensuring that Enn's WA donations will be redirected away from this nonsense."

Even the Foreign Minister, Hannah Sikura of the Democratic Party (once Enn's NSUN Ambassador during the Council era), is doubtful of the merits of the ICC. "We tried an international body of judgment in the past, with the Pretenama Panel. That was an absolute diplomatic disaster. Why should we expect any more of this latest attempt?"

Altani Federation considers withdrawing from the WA (again)

CELAVAN, The Altani Federation - As talks drag on about the future composition of the Altani government after the Republic War ends, one could be forgiven for believing that the Altani can't agree on anything, including but not limited to what direction the sun rises in, or whether water is wet. But there is one thing, at least, that the delegations to the talks have agreed on: the WA ICC can go fornicate itself.

"There is absolutely no chance whatsoever that Altani citizens will be subject to the whims of some WA kangaroo court," Chief Councillor Eranik Zurabian said, speaking for the Federation Sovereignty Council. The Sovereignty Council, the interim Altani government, voted unanimously today to "reject and refuse to cooperate" with any efforts by the ICC to try Altani citizens. Altani law enforcement and judicial entities in Federation-controlled territory have been instructed to pretend that they do not speak whatever language it is WA gnomes speak, and that they are closed for the day, if the gnomes show up.

Zurabian indicated that the Federation is seriously considering withdrawing from the WA in the wake of what she called "the alarming tendency of the WA lately to interfere excessively with sovereign nations' rights". The Chief Councillor said that the Altani may also resurrect their classic "Altani WA Mission" gambit as a response to the ICC.

Cookeslandic government calls WA court 'trivial matter'

CORICAS – Today the State Department issued a statement on the formation of the ICC, which seeks to prosecute accused under "a normal trial model." The state department was not particularly happy with these new developments. Secretary of State Steven J. Andolor -- who along with the current administration, has long been a supporter of rights of the individual nation as opposed to blanket statements made by the World Assembly -- was quoted as saying:

"The creation of this body will do nothing but be problematic to all the nations involved. It is hard for me to imagine that nations will want even their worst criminals tried under a legal system that is not their own. There also comes the problem of determining a penalty if found guilty, and what if a certain nation pheels that is worthy of the death penalty? That entire debate is reopened and while all the talk and arguments over the subject of capital punishment are being conducted, justice goes unserved."

The state department also noted that while several other World Assembly members were contemplating leaving the supra-national organization, Cookesland had no intention of doing so. "This is only a trivial matter, we would not consider leaving the body on an issue such as this," Andolor later stated. Cookeslandic WA Ambassador Richard York was not available for comment. Popular reaction has been mixed, with opinions of the court ranging from "well in the World Assembly’s power" to "the worst idea ever."

Snefaldia foreign minister points, laughs at silly WA nations

SARGEDAIN, Snefaldia --- In a televised press conference, Foreign Minister Jan Smyczek pointed and laughed at other World Assembly member-states affiliated with Antarctic Oasis, saying, "World Court? We don't need no stinking World Court!" in what amounted to an extremely clever and timely reference to the film "Blazing Saddles."

"The Snefaldian nation decided several years ago to eschew membership in that corrupt, hollow institution," Smyczek said further, referencing the resignation letter sent to all nation who leave the WA in a roundabout way. "I suppose you could say we're the real National Sovereigntists: we said enough is enough. Hey! Maybe that Third Wall Bloc would be interested in us joining? That would sure be funny! That way we could not be in the WA, hate it a lot like Gatesville used to, and be totally sanctimonious about it, all at the same time!"

When asked about how Snefaldia was going to respond to the International Criminal Court legislation, Mr. Smyczek lit a large cigar and blew smoke rings in the reporter's face for several minutes.

The Chancellor's office could not be reached for comment.

Kennyite foreign minister points, laughs at silly Snefaldia

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- In another round of "we are sovereigner, sovereigner than thou," Kennyite Secretary of State Jack Riley earlier this month appeared to mock everyone involved with the WA International Criminal Court melodrama, including the Snefaldians, who boasted about having resigned from the WA and being exempt from court prosecutions.

"Who the fuck cares? It's a fucking reality show," Riley declared to reporters outside the Jackson Office Building. "They have about as much use for a world court as society has for Paris Hilton."

"Not that they haven't brought us some really great TV in the past year or so," Riley continued. "Because the ICC episode was freaking hilarious! Almost as funny as last week's episode of 'Real World.' You know, the one where they have a family court to determine which house member had had sex in the community hot tub, but then they realized that it didn't matter since no one watches their lame show anymore, and they all committed suicide in despair? Yeah, that was some funny shit."

In related news, Riley was dismissive of reports that the gnomes had recently arrested President Fernanda and Empress Jhessan for indecent exposure in the 18th floor ladies room at WA Headquarters, and threatened to refer their case to the ICC, since having to watch them defile the bathroom counter technically fell under the ICC's mandate to try instances of "torture."

"Anyone who can walk in on Jhessan naked and actually become offended is the real criminal," the secretary sneered. "It's not like the president would be embarrassed to be accused of banging the empress, anyway. He'd probably go through with the trial just to enhance his reputation.

"Besides, we wrote the WAHQ resolution, and they're basically protected by mall cops. Breaking them out of WA jail should be a cinch."

For the full uncensored version of this compromising photograph of Jhessan, click here.

Jhessan responds to WA gnomes' indecent-exposure accusations

THE 'BURGH --- HIH Jhessan has issued a statement about the alleged "incident" in the 18th floor ladies room with President Fernanda. She dismissed the accusation of the WA Gnomes as absolutely absurd. Her Hottness was quoted as saying,

"The Festering Snakepit make me so angry at times I just want to @#!#$, then I saw Manuelo on the set of the WA reality show. The President and I decided to have a private consultation. We wanted to use his office, but Commander Chiang was interrogating least that's what we were told, and we couldn't use Sen. Sulla's office, because he was playing Ride the Kinky Pony with some of the Thessadorian Ambassador's female staffers. So we found the first available place to have a consultation about the WA and the ICC. I can't help it if I was rather loud. I'm like that when I'm mad."

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:03 am, edited 9 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

All the latest Jhessan baby drama!

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sun May 15, 2011 10:51 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 15 May 2010

The world wonders: Who is Jhessan's baby-daddy?

Jhessan (left) is expecting twins. Speculation over the identity of the father may prove to be the
biggest paternity scandal in the region since the "Who Is Cartman's Dad?" saga (right), which gripped the
nation of Omigodtheykilledkenny during the spring of '98.

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- The Imperial household has confirmed that Empress Jhessan has used the services of the controversial Montefiore Natal Clinic, which recently developed a natal replicator nicknamed the "iron womb" for purposes of gestating "test-tube babies."

For weeks there were rumors that the Empress has been in contact with doctors from the clinic over arrangements to used the new reproductive services. Ever since the two unsuccessful assassination attempts against Her Hottness, Emperor Captain Spaulding has been urging his daughter to make arrangements for an heir to the throne. The empress has reportedly made some critical decisions regarding the matter in recent days, whereby she contacted Dr. Sinclair, the Head of the obstetretics department of the clinic. It is believed the empress has used in-vitro techniques to begin the procedure.

An aide to the Empress gave an official statement to reporters: "The Empress is pleased to announce that she will become the mother of twins sometime in October. She wishes to share her joy with the citizens of her nation. Her Hottness has undergone a minor outpatient procedure. She also wishes to thank the doctors and staff of Montefiore Clinic for respecting her privacy in this manner, and for their very professional conduct."

The Imperial household will not confirm that the two natal replicators have been moved to a more secure location.

So who's the father?

THE 'BURGH (Palentine Tattler) --- The announcement of Jhessan's maternity has certainly sent shockwaves through the citizenry of The Palentine. But the question on everyone's minds is, Who's the father of the Empress's unborn children? While we are happy for the Empress, we are also a bit concerned about who she decided would make the perfect male umm....donor. It is known that HIH has a very active social life, and has been romanticaly linked with many powerful men here and abroad. The Imperial household is remaining silent on this account. But one prominent name that has been brought forward is that of President Manuelo Fernanda of Omigodtheykilledkenny. After all, dear readers, it is common knowlage that she is very fond of the man, and has frequently been seen in his company. (We don't have to remind our readers about the infamous 18th-Floor Restroom incident, do we?) However, when one of our reporters asked Empress Jhessan at a restauraunt, Her Hottness was seen to give the reporter a strange look, before she burst out laughing as if the reporter just told the funniest joke in the world. So apparently, dear reader, one candidate is removed from the picture. You may rest assured that we won't stop our investigation until this mystery is solved.

Shock assassination in Lavinium Senate
Antarctic ally stunned by cold-blooded murder

SENATE ISLAND, Lavinium --- A newly appointed Senator was killed by an assassin during a session of the Lavinium Senate, sparking widespread regional outrage against the culprits and causing several Senate members to deploy their armed forces to carry out a widely expected retaliation.

The crisis began when the Senate granted membership to the nation of Arrlund, giving that nation's internationally recognized government a seat. The newly approved Senator from Arrlund, Sten Archton, was in the middle of his acceptance speech when a gunman shot him in the head, killing him instantly. The assassin was later confirmed to be a member of the "Grey" faction in Arrlund's civil war, which was angered by the Senate granting representation to their rivals, the legitimate Arrlunder government, also known as the "Blue" faction.

World Assembly diplomats (above) will often toss each other out the windows during floor
debates, and members won't even so much as declare war over it! Lavinians, who go to war nearly every
other week over provocations such as this, often regard their WA colleagues as "wimps."

The "Greys" have since issued threats against the members of the Senate for supporting the Arrlunder government. Lavinian reaction was swift. Greenlandic People's government approved deploying forces for a possible attack, while the regional military commander, Tehuacan's General Alejandra Toro, ordered Tehuacano and Altani forces under the Lavinian flag to deploy right off Arrlund's coast. The government of Azaristan has also deployed forces, and expectations are that a military strike against the 'Greys' is imminent.

The reaction by Lavinian officials and leaders has been almost universal outrage. "This was not just an attack on Arrlund. This was an attack on Lavinium itself, on our very principles and beliefs, and it must not be allowed to go unpunished," declared Regional Delegate Sophie Fournier of the Altani Confederacy. The Altani Defense Minister, Eman Kanasani, said that the assassination would be "the worst and last mistake they ever make" and that the Greys had brought the consequences of any retaliation upon themselves.

With Azari, Greenlandic, Altani and Tehuacano forces now deploying and merely waiting for a formal order from the Senate to attack, a conflict is now seen as inevitable by many regional observers.

You can read what happened next on the Lavinium forum.

Oh man, I hope her VP was named Tang...
Then it would have been the Wu-Tang...ticket

CORICAS, Cookesland --– The people of the United States of Cookesland were abuzz with the swearing-in of newly elected President Isabella Wu. After what was undoubtedly one of the most exciting elections in memory, between Verdente candidate then-Senator Wu and her Populist rival, former Secretary of State Steven Andolor, the country has made a drastic change in its political landscape.

Wu, a longtime member of the Verdente Party, formerly was a junior senator from the state of Saria Island. Her party’s position in the Presidency is the first time in eight years that the Verdentes have had a person in the Regia, since the election of former President Foxswift. In her inaugural speech, President Wu said that she sought to go down a path that would be beneficial to all Cookeslanders, stating, “We are all in this together, one nation that has come from many different backgrounds. As we have looked out into the world to aid those abroad, may we continue to look out for both their benefit and the success of all people within our own shores.”

President Wu has said that she wishes to take more focus on social issues and other problems that face the nation, such as the unemployment rate. On the topic of international and regional policies, she has stated that she wishes to continue to establish friendly relations with other nations and also improve those already established. After the speech on the steps of the Capitol, she accompanied departing President Alan Foxswift on an official tour of the Regia before he left for the last time.

Wu's campaign slogan was reportedly, "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on Wu!"

The leader of Retired WerePenguins has a what?
Hint: the answer is, "a penis"

DUMONT d'URVILLE, Retired WerePenguins --- It is official: the election of the Chair Officers for Retired WerePenguins, held in the Assembly of Senators (a body consisting of and elected by retired officers in either the old Tzorsland or the current Retired WerePenguins service branches) is over, and the results may astound you. While it was generally expected that the officers would move up in the ranks (or "chairs," as they prefer to call them), for the first time in the history of Retired WerePenguins, the top position in government will be staffed by a man. You read that right: a man.

“It’s really not as surprising as many people think it is,” Faithful Navigator RWPO Amber Red-Brown told RWPNS reporters. (We don't know what any of the alphabet soup means; "RWP" is probably the name of the country.) “In the beginning, the Tzorsland Navy only used female officers, so the original numbers of females in the early Assembly of Senators were all female. As Retired WerePenguins allowed men to join the military and the officer corps, their numbers grew, but it still took them time to get elected into the Assembly and then to get elected to one of the Chair Officer Positions. I remember when I first came to the Assembly; the first men were being elected. There were no men’s bathrooms in the Assembly building at the time; the Senators literally had to go to the Congress of the People in order to relieve themselves. Now we will have a man on top-- I mean, 'at the top.' We won’t have a first lady yet, as he is currently unmarried. That’s a hint out there to you gals that he is available.”

RWP senators take a break after an exhausting election with a relaxing dip in the Southern Ocean.

RWPO Robert Red is an admiral from the RWP Naval Air Force. “I am looking forward to going up the chairs to the position of Faithful Navigator. I look forward to working with my Chair Officers, the Assembly of Senators and the Congress of the People in order to get our nation to the level of economic prosperity that will make us the envy of the world. The recent mandate in the Congress of the People is clear; government must be mean and lean and effective. I promise to find ways to cut the budget and increase our revenue in ways previously not thought of. This will require the greatest minds of the nations to work together for the common good.”

Before leaving the podium the Faithful Navigator Elect added, “As Faithful Navigator Amber mentioned, I suppose I am still ‘available;’ if you don’t mind someone who works with an all female Officer staff and a mostly female assembly. I felt I needed to go up the ranks before I started sitting on eggs.”

The great and mighty Zarquon bares all!
(We mean in print form, perverts)

ZARQUON CITY, Zarquon Froods --- Thousands gathered at the $.42-and-Under outlet last October (yes, it takes this long for Antarctic news to reach the rest of the world) for a chance at an autographed copy of Zarquon's autobiography, "My Life Among Crazy People."

The highly anticipated book is expected to be the tell-all of a man who has been shrouded in mystery for generations. Among the questions that are to be answered within its pages are the origins of Zarquon himself, along with the highly sought-after question to the answer 42, which has boggled the minds of philosophers and scientists alike for decades.

When asked why a book and why now, the newly mutton-chopped Emperor had this to say:

"I figured why not, if so many can go on at great lengths about themselves and tell us nothing more than what we already know, why can't I?"

Zarquon was expected to sign every book sold through midnight at the $.42 store, though likely not everyone was able to get their hands on one of the first and only editions. Circulation has been limited to 42,000 copies, each selling at $41.99 each. Pre-sales had already topped 30,000 before the 8 a.m. launch that morning, most of those coming from abroad. It is estimated that the book will be completely sold out before 5 p.m., which would make it the best- and fastest-selling book in the nation's history, ahead of Professor Xanthum's "1,001 Uses for Silly Putty," which sold 27,000 copies in the first 48 hours.


For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jun 08, 2011 10:03 am, edited 3 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

AO is six!! Reports from across the region

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Wed Jun 08, 2011 12:23 pm

[OOC: In accordance with new forum guidelines banning roleplayers from the Gameplay forum, our regional newspaper has been posted here in NationStates. Apparently, the game's new "Gameplay Mods" couldn't handle our shit, because we're too real. If you have an issue with region-pimping appearing in the NationStates forum, take it up with them. Thank you.]

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 8 June 2010

Celebrating six amazing years
Antarctic Oasis Day celebrations ring out across the region

Far away in the city of Cleveland, locals hail the region that has lent them so many competent scribes over the years.

VARIOUS LOCATIONS, Antarctic Oasis --- On May 22, 2005, Kennyite leaders embarked on a quest for freedom. Freedom from the the unrelenting tyranny of the UN (now the WA), freedom from the constant bitching and moaning from their uptight and totally uncool neighbors, freedom from the annoying poking and prodding of human-rights observers and international weapons inspectors. They came upon a frozen wasteland far removed from all the bullshit and the drama of the "civilized world," a land long deemed uninhabitable thanks to the Kennyites' many nuclear testing and animal-weaponization experiments. It was there they decided to plant their flag -- and in so doing, change the very course of history.

Six years later, on May 22, 2011, nothing happened. Probably because the leaders of AO, in drunken comas, rolled over on their iPhones and erased all the important dates on the digital calendars. But it was no matter, because one week later, the region's collective memory was finally jarred, and soon the streets and public squares in cities across the Antarctic were flooded with jubilant celebrants. The following is a sampling of the Antarctic Oasis Day celebrations that took place in various AO nations last week.

The Palentine's legendary founder was seriously hot
...and now they have a statue to prove it!

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- Everyone in the Palentine likes a good party, and last week proved it, dear readers. The Antarctic Oasis Founder's Day celebrations were a big success. The week started with the unveiling and dedication of the new statue of the Warrior Queen Kimmoniwannalaya the Unchaste, commemorating the 500th anniversary of the unification and founding of the Palentine Empire. The bronze statue depicts the 19-year-old queen as she appeared before her army after the Battle of Wapatomica. It was designed and cast by artist and sculptor Thomas Wycliffe.

A depiction of the warrior-queen
before the battle of Wapatomica

The ceremony took place in Kimmoniwannalaya Park, and was attended by a crowd of well over 500 people, as well as many local and national media outlets. His Dooziness Emperor Captain Spaulding made a rare official appearance, and was joined by his daughter, HIH Empress Jhessan, who gave the keynote address praising the memory and spirit of the our beloved queen. A shaman of Queen Kimoniwannalaya's clan performed a blessing ceremony, and a prayer of thanksgiving was given by HIH's personal chaplain, Father Miles O' Rourke of the Church of St. Ronald the Prophet.

Her Hottness makes surprise visit to OMGTKK, gets assaulted by VP...what else is new?

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny (Palentine Tattler) --- Once again, our beloved Empress proves she cannot visit Paradise City without complications.

Earlier that day Palentine Ambassador Zara Blackthorne, representing Her Hottness, acted as the Grand Marshall of the Paradise City parade celebrating Antarctic Oasis Day. By all accounts she did a swell job, and only had to temporarily turn about a half dozen Kennyites into frogs during the parade.

Later that evening, HIH Empress Jhessan Spaulding made a surprise visit to the government reception and fireworks display at 10 Frowning Street. The Empress certainly turned heads in a very lovely Vera Wang dress. Unfortunately, right before she made over to a smiling and whistling President Manuelo Fernanda, Kennyite Vice President Sammy Faisano walked into the scene...literally.

Faisano was carrying an adult beverage of some type and wasn't paying attention, when he tripped and fell face-first into HIH's cleavage. Our readers might certainly remember that he did this once before at HIH's coronation a few years ago. Also coincidentally his friend Rico was standing innocently nearby as Faisano "tripped." Before HIH could react to the incident President Fernada rushed to her aid by grabbing Faisano and nailing him into unconsciousness with a beautiful right hook, while yelling, "You pervert! If anyone's going to get a close-up view of Jhessan's jubblies, its going to be me!"

After the fireworks display HIH and President Fernanda were seen retiring to his residence for important "consultations."

Her Hottness, shortly before her run-in with Vice President Faisano.

Antigone gives HIH some competition during national parade

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- The parades, the fireworks, the Stripper Commendos, the unannounced weapons tests, and the lewd photographs sent out from Manuelo Fernanda's Twitter feed weren't the only bombshells to wow the Kennyites during Antarctic Oasis Day celebrations Monday. Apparently the region's two biggest attention whores were also on hand to contribute to the festivities.

Empress Jhessan, despite her busy schedule and commitments to official ceremonies in her own country, eventually turned out for the fireworks show in the Kennyite capital that evening, viewing the spectacle with President Fernanda and other leaders and dignitaries from the balcony outside the president's residence on Frowning Street, where she also got into a scuffle involving Vice President Sammy Faisano and Fernanda himself.

Not to be outdone, former Vice President Antigone Morgan rolled into town that afternoon on the back of a big black Harley. And she wasn't alone. Fully 5,000 bikers accompanied her, noisily rolling down Van Diesel Road and back up Frowning Street as part of Paradise City's Antarctic Oasis Day parade.

The bikers were part of the parade entry for the Thundering Rollers, a charity organization designed to benefit the families of those who have gone missing in Omigodtheykilledkenny's many violent street wars. Morgan's decision to join them for the afternoon has been dismissed by many news analysts as a publicity stunt, designed to increase the will-she-or-won't-she speculation as to whether she will make a run in the region's next Delegate contest (whenever that is), after failing so miserably in her Vice Delegate campaign back in 2008.

Whenever Antigone Morgan sees a nice car, she can't help but sprawl herself across
it. Here she appears in a publicity photo for her "One Rogue Nation" bus tour.

The ex-vice president was full of surprises as she rumbled up the street waving to the excited crowds. Particularly when the biker driving her down the parade route turned out to be her longtime friend Sammy Faisano. Also when darkness began to fall, and she retreated behind an RV with several of the younger members of the Thundering Rollers squad, one of them bearing a camcorder, presumably to capture some footage that, let's say, probably would have been deemed too shocking even for "Spank Me Scotty."

Morgan is reportedly using her parade appearance to kick off her "One Rogue Nation" bus tour, which will take her to many historic sites across the country, doubtlessly so she can earn more media attention for herself by sprawling irreverently across cherished monuments before recruiting more random young men for shameless group-sex scenes behind recreational vehicles.

But the skanky former VP wasn't the only subject of much speculation during Monday's festivities, especially when it was revealed that Faisano had been caught once again burying his face in Jhessan's bountiful cleavage during the fireworks show that evening. This has apparently set off rumors that Faisano himself could be the father of Jhessan's test-tube baby, expected in October. Sure, the empress did not look too pleased when Faisano fell face-first into her chest, but she didn't immediately wallop him to the floor either (like she did last time), instead letting Fernanda do the honors.

"Clearly, something's changed in her relationship with the VP," said tabloid reporter Red Bullocks, trying without much success to contain the streams of drool emanating from the corners of his mouth.

Violence breaks out during Dzerzhinsky speech

YELDAN ANTARCTICA --- Mobs rampaged through the streets of Yeldan Antarctica in the aftermath of a four-hour speech by Felix Dzerzhinsky, Chairman of the Yeldan Committee for State Security.

The Founder's Day festivities, organized by the People's Committee for the Advancement of Patriotic Celebrations, Hydroponic Agriculture, and Industrial Solvents, got off to an exhilarating start with a parade, free concerts, and a Klollen rodeo.

Things turned ugly later in the day, however, as throngs gathered in Yeldan Antarctica's main square to listen to a speech by Dzerzhinsky. The typically long-winded address, featuring Felix's usual references to Stalin, hooliganism, and the importance of manufacturing cameras, was well received for the first three hours. The trouble apparently began around the 3:05 mark when Dzerzhinsky attempted to entertain the crowd with what is known in comedy circles as an "Aristocrats Joke."

The joke, the contents of which are too ribald to reprint in a family newspaper, featured lewd and lascivious references to various characters in the TV show "World Assembly: The Security Council Edition." Characters from fictional nations such as Unibot, Glen-Rhodes, and Sedgistan were apparently depicted performing a variety of profane and anatomically impossible acts on each other, as well as on a host of other characters from the show.

As is his custom during these speeches, Dzerzhinsky regularly lapsed back and forth between Yeldan and Russian, relying on translation software to translate his comments to the audience. The crowd was initially amused by the joke, but things began to go sour when a glitch developed in the translator. This caused the impression that Felix was inferring that Yeldan Antarctica was slated to host an upcoming episode of "World Assembly: The Security Council Edition". The flawed translator went on to explain that the only way for citizens to avoid having similar indecencies inflicted upon them and their loved ones was to burn the city to the ground.

Jubilant Yeldans Celebrate AO Founder's Day.

As of this writing, fires and explosions can be seen throughout Yeldan Antarctica as citizens have torched numerous government buildings and entire housing blocks have gone up in flames. The government has mobilized several regiments of Destructor Bunnies to attempt to quell the rioting, but reports are coming in of units of Bunnies joining the rioters due to the speech being transmitted, along with the flawed translation, over military frequencies. Reinforcements of Yeldan Naval Infantry are being rushed to Yeldan Antarctica in the event of a full scale mutiny of the Destructor Bunny Corps. The government is attempting to reassure the citizenry that Yeldan Antarctica will not be hosting an episode of "The Security Council," and is urging all citizens to remain calm and return to their homes.

In international developments, numerous communications authorities throughout Antarctic Oasis are considering fines and sanctions against Dzerzhinsky due to the region-wide broadcast of the speech.

Nothing happens in Retired WerePenguins on AO Day
...after residents finally learn how to shut the f-- just kidding!

DUMONT d'URVILLE, Retired WerePenguins --- Faithful Navigator RWPO Robert Red said in opening remarks before his semi-occasional press conference that he was “deeply disappointed” that nothing happened in the nation to celebrate Antarctic Oasis Founder’s Day. “The entire event was completely unreported by the local media.” He noted that he had even suggested Faithful Admiral RWPO Amber Red Brown travel over to Omigodtheykilledkenny to duke it out with Empress Jhessan and Antigone Morgan, but the former Faithful Navigator had given him a lame excuse about having to take the kids out to some sporting event.

“The general reaction to Antarctic Oasis Founder’s Day is understandable when you remember the history of Retired Werepenguins and our relationship to the region’s founder, Omigodtheykilledkenny,” said noted historian Alfred Red. “Our very people were created as a result of a clandestine invasion into the sovereign territory of that nation in order to mate with their nation’s native penguin population. It was a delicate time in our nation’s history, because not only was it a potentially blatant act of aggression and war, but those damn penguins had the tendency to explode. It was the retired officers of that clandestine war that formed the cornerstone for the nation we have today. Clearly this isn’t something we often like to bring up to the world and in recent years, we don’t even like to bring this up among ourselves.”

Alfred Red also commented that the years the nation spent with the Antarctic Paradise region and then later with several other regions eventually winding up mysteriously in the region of Lazarus as another reason for the avoidance of history in official public celebration. “No one really wants to talk about the ‘odd void’ where there is literally a one year gap in our history.” Conspiracy theories abound about this.

After the news conference, Faithful Navigator RWPO Robert Red invited all the reporters to the Gazebar next to the central lake in the middle of the Retired Werepenguin Tree Museum. Of course there really are no trees in Antarctica, so all of the trees were imported from elsewhere, along with the vineyards where they grow the grapes for the wine. Access to the Gazebar requires a boat as the bar is way too close to the water’s edge.

Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:35 am, edited 3 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Apr 23, 2011

Postby -Carta- » Wed Jun 08, 2011 12:29 pm god. This...wins. キタ━━━(゜∀゜)━━━!!!!!

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Extra! Extra! Alex Tehrani is a whore!

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sun Mar 04, 2012 6:05 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 4 March 2012

Imperial paternity scandal rages on
Twins are welcomed to the world, father still unknown

Alex Tehrani, former Kennyite secretary of state and reputed star of 'Foreskin Frenzy #5', reacts to news
that the sperm he 'donated' during his last film somehow found its way to a Palentine fertility clinic. Rumors abound
that it was his sperm that helped spawn the Imperial heirs.

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- The Imperial residence was abuzz with excitement last October, when reports say the Empress' children of mysterious paternity were finally born. Empress Jhessan and the entire Imperial family had been making final preparations for the impending birth all month. The Palace announced that the children would be decanted from the replicators on October 31, and all indications were that the procedure was successful.

In the month leading up to the announcement, HIH had scaled back her usually busy "social activities" to focus on shopping for items to decorate the Imperial nursery, baby clothing, and other such necessary items. It was also revealed that she had hired a nanny to help with the care of the newborns. HIH plans to be a hands-on mother, but due to the fact that she takes a more active role in the government than her father, sometimes her time is limited. HIH is said to be joyfully awaiting the birth of her children, and if the rather ragged and haggard appearance of the Kennyite President Manuelo Fernanda after HIH's quick visit to 10 Frowning Street that month means anything...perhaps a bit insatiable as well.

So who's the daddy??

THE 'BURGH (Palentine Tattler) --- That's the question asked by most citizens here and in the region. With President Fernanda ruled out, and other speculation rampant our crack dirtdiggers...errr...ace investigative reporters have sought to uncover the truth.

After HIH's visit to Paradise city in May, and the altercation with Kennyite VP Sammy Faisano, many thought he was the father. However we disagree. Yes he has good sense for a Kennyite, but Her Hottness wouldn't want her children sired by a man whom she can kick his ass at will.

Thus we must go farther abroad. Perhaps a fellow Imperial, Emperor Zarquon. He might be an emperor, but he and his people seem to be batshit crazy (especially his aide Sintar Maxem). HIH definitely would not want insanity to practically gallop in the DNA of her heirs.

In the Palentine, HIH is said to admire the Prime Minister Lord Julius's diplomatic skill and moxie. However, one cannot help but notice the very similar appearances of both Emperor Captain Spaulding and Lord Julius. There seems to be some dark secret between those two men (some have speculated they might be siblings or even...clones). Thus that should rule out his Lordship from this conversation.

A couple of our reporters have discovered an interesting financial transaction after diving through the dumpsters of HIH's personal bank. Apparently a very large transaction of cash was made (in the 7 figures no less) to the account of one Alex Tehrani. Our readers might remember that Mr. Tehrani is the former Kennyite Secretary of State, who resigned amidst a scandal. He is blessed with intelligence and good sense (traits HIH finds favorable in her heirs), and rumor has is the HIH has a large collection of "movies" allegedly starring Mr. Tehrani. This coupled with the fact that he is a Kennyite (and thus out of Palentine and Imperial Politics), and is tainted with just enough scandal to allow HIH to hold something over on her family.

HIH Jhessan and the Imperial Court have not responded to our allegations and questions; however, a recent joint appearance by Tehrani and the empress on a popular Kennyite talk show did raise some eyebrows.

Rest assured, dear readers, we will not stop until we can uncover all the scandalous and juicy details...err...the important facts you as a citizen of this nation need to know.

War on the Blasted Seas! Nations quarrel over piracy laws

SILLIMAN'S HARBOR -- A recent breakdown in negotiations between Zarquon Froods and Blasted Pirates has a sparked an all-out naval war between the two neighboring countries.

This protester's spirited demonstration against
the war was said to have caused several traffic
collisions in Zarquon City.
In a meeting between Emperor Zarquon and the representative of the Pirate government, Henry Dawson, a straight-forward discussion on the sovereignty of both nations and the mutual aid that each could offer the other turned bitter during a sovereigntist summit in Yelda last May. The full extent of the breakdown is not known at this time, but witnesses have stated that it began over a bowl of carp.

The Emperor has been trying to avoid any sort of conflict with the small island nation roughly 40 miles offshore, but the recent turn of events has only escalated the relationship that has been in turmoil for the past several years. Blasted Pirates had been pleading with the Empire to resign from the WA to show its commitment to the pirate way of life, and thus relieve itself of the burden impressed upon it by the anti-piracy laws. Although the Emperor could not be reached for comment, Sintar Maxem was quoted as saying, "If we're going to do anything illegal, we want to make sure we're doing it legally."

From the time of the meeting, the Zarquonian naval fleet had been dispatched with the ZFS Mother Mayii in the lead. Her crew was preparing for an almost certain engagement with the pirates. Although much time and effort had gone into averting what was almost certain to become an all-out naval war, the Emperor maintained that force may be the only way to end the crisis once and for all, alluding to the possibility of an invasion of the islands to bring them under the control of the Empire. However, there has been no official response confirming or denying that.

The fleet was expected to intercept the pirates sometime last June, but thanks to a lightning storm our cable went out, and now we may never know what happened afterward. The nation was on the edge of seat as the expected naval confrontation could possibly have signaled the beginning of the first war it has taken part in in well over 40 years. The ministry of defense hadn't made any formal statement on the matter, but a confirmation of events on the high seas was expected any moment.

There goes the neighborhood! Another rambunctious Lavinian moves to AO

ISITHIEL, Altani Antarctica --- The government of Altani Antarctica officially handed over sovereignty of an undeveloped portion of territory to the government of Tehuacán, as a land cession recently approved by both the Confederate and AA governments. The new territory, now known as the Department of Nuevo Tehuacán, was handed over to the Tehuacáno in December.

The Altanis agreed to grant a portion of their territory to the Lavinian nation as part of a bid to help that nation improve its fortunes following a recent setback.

Tehuacán was forced to grant its western department of Villamontes independence following an insurrection backed by the Valadian Empire. As part of the Confederacy's efforts to boost Tehuacán and make it an ally in opposing Valadian influence in western Lavinium, Confederate officials proposed that the Altani Antarctican government give up the land to Tehuacáno refugees in return for unspecified compensation from the Confederate and Tehuacáno governments. The undeveloped land is believed to possess natural resources which would provide a major boost to Tehuacán's revenues.

Critics of the proposed grant included Altani citizens who claimed that the Altani government could develop the land itself and gain more revenue than any proposed compensation for the land would provide. But supporters of the plan, led by Altani Antarctican President Merena Kerilaka, say that this is about more than money.

Natives at a local Cobdenian penguin colony welcome dispossessed Tehuacano
refugees as their boats approach Antarctic shores in January.

"We know what it's like to resist a violent, imperialistic power and to pay the price for it," Kerilaka said, referring to the brief conflict between the former Altani colony in Antarctic Oasis and the central government. "The people of Tehuacán have also dared to oppose a vile, militaristic regime of immense power, and paid a painful price for it, because it was the right thing to do. We cannot turn our backs on them in their time of need; what if people had turned their backs on us in our time of crisis?"

Critics also warned that it could cause the Valadian Empire to strike out against Altani Antarctica if conflict resumes between the Empire and Tehuacán, a fear that Kerilaka dismissed. "The Valadians would have to be truly stupid to try anything here. They may be a big deal in Lavinium, but this isn't Lavinium," Kerilaka warned.

The Altani Antarctican Senate ratified the proposal last November; Kerilaka had already pledged to sign it before the vote was cast.

Despite their previous penchant for encouraging socialism and revolt, the Tehuacáno have promised to behave themselves whilst in the Antarctic Oasis.

Cookesland overcomes AO Day tragedy, renews commitment to WA

CORICAS, Cookesland --– The Cookeslandic nation showed renewed signs of normality in the aftermath of what the media has begun referred to as “The Great AO Day Blackout of 2011” last summer.

In the capital, after several days of deliberation and questioning, the Senate Foreign Relations Committee unanimously confirmed B. Michael d’Ifsi as the nation’s 2nd and newest ambassador to the international body. The appointment of a new WA Ambassador was initially planned to be much earlier by the new Administration, but was held up by a number of “more pressing issues” a spokesperson said. The appointment was further delayed by the local Antarctic Oasis Day celebrations, which resulted in widespread rioting and Vice President Emma Tang twisting an ankle.

Mr. d’Ifsi is not a particularly well-known figure in Cookeslandic politics; however, the State Department feels that he is more than capable of the job. “He’s been working for us for almost 10 years as a Antarctican Affairs Analyst and proven invaluable to the nation”, said Secretary of State Steven J. Andolor, who was asked to stay by the Wu Administration. “He was also the only one to react somewhat positively when he was asked to become the new ambassador. It’s well-known that for some reason an ambassadorship is regarded as one of the most dreaded jobs in this nation. We were considering sending an ATM machine or a potted cactus I have in my office to go to the WA, if he had not agreed to serve.”

The new appointment has once again brought up the idea of Cookesland withdrawing from the World Assembly. While the previous and current administrations have been supportive of the UN/WA, many feel that the international body has “jumped the shark.”

“Honestly, having all the nations of the WA pay so that some toothless farmer in Whoknowswheretopia can look at porn. This actually reached quorum by the way,” said Relia Chandaro in Grand Techonon. “It just seems like the stuff that is coming out of there is for the pure sake of having something to vote on.”

Others take a considerably less negative view of the World Assembly. “Look at all the good that has come out of the resolutions passed since we’ve been a member,” said Robert Sitton in Solivil City. “We as a country should be proud to go to the nations of the world and say that we are a member of the WA.”

According to the most recent polls taken, about 42% of the Cookeslandic population were supportive of the World Assembly.

The curious names of Cookesland's president and VP did not go unnoticed by a certain
'90s rap group, which has now sued the Wu-Tang Administration for copyright infringement.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Sun Dec 30, 2012 2:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Just in: Region's Man of the Year lives in another region!

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Mon Dec 31, 2012 1:45 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 31 December 2012

AO names 2012 Man of the Year


THE DOURIAN EMBASSY --- Few leaders could accomplish in six tumultuous months what Dourian President-for-Life Trey Dreizehn has managed to accomplish since rescuing his fallen nation from the NationStates Boneyard: it's been a long, hard slog, getting his recently undead nation fully operational again, he says, but if he had to do it all over again, he would.

The Dourian empire barely had time to recover after returning from its recess, before the emperor immediately directed its embassy to begin flexing all the international muscle it could muster. At the World Assembly, drafting efforts were increased, Dourian diplomats worked tirelessly to assure that proposals introduced were altered so that they didn't suck nearly as much, and eventually two Dourian-sponsored repeals came down the pike: an attempt on Organ and Blood Donations Act, which failed, and another on "Assitance" Givers Protection, which passed. Then, after a brief detour through a certain DRAMAtic archipelago where, the Yeldan Ministry of Truth assures us, NOTHING HAPPENED, Trey set his sights northward, packed a trunk bearing the legend "OSIRIS OR BUST", and sought to establish a diplomatic outpost in the relatively infant megaregion.

"It's always been fun in the Antarctic," Dreizehn recently told the Picayune. "You got your natural isolation, protection from the rest of the world, and if things get a little too crazy, you can always hide out in a secure igloo where Karmicarian girls in eskimo costumes will play out your every kinky fantasy, but it's a bit selfish, you know?

"I'm a big fan of the Palentine's Emperor Spaulding," Dreizehn continued, "and one of his famous sayings is, 'Sod this! Let's go where the action is!' So that's what I did. We can't hide our cherished beliefs in national sovereignty and more efficient, less intrusive international governance under a bushel; we have to spread the word to other people in the NS-verse, that oppression and tyranny are best meted out by individual nations, not the World Assembly!"

In that vein Treize marched right up the gates of Osiris, tore down the hieroglyphic HELP WANTED sign from the notice board and showed it to the Pharaoh. "Then I sheepishly returned the sign," Dreizehn admitted, "because it did look kinda presumptuous." But it worked. Eventually the emperor was named Vizier of WA Affairs, and the Dourians gained a powerful new base of operations for advancing their agenda in the General Assembly.

It's no picnic, Dreizehn told us, regularly negotiating WA business with some of the most influential players in the NationStates community, where even the slightest misstep can get your region invaded. "It's a dangerous way to live," he said, "but as long as people buy it, I can get the job done."

Of Trey personally, little is known, save what few precious scraps the Dourian Ministry of Information was willing to surrender in this recent propaganda piece:

Name: Treize Dreizehn

Age: 37

Position: President for Life, Douria.

The history or Douria was written, produced, directed by and starring Treize Dreizehn. Christom's monarchy was weak, and only so much could be done to stop the Kharjackistani terrorist forces. After the loss of Christos to a nuclear attack, General Dreizehn knew something needed to be done. From his base of operations in Douria City, he launched the revolution that shook our great nation. In seven short hours, the Kingdom of Christom was no more, and the Empire of Douria had began.

He's brought us out of the darkness and into the light. With Kharjackistan currently under our boot heels, and the world in awe of our legislative prowess and armed forces, there is nothing we cannot accomplish under our wonderful and esteemed leader. All hail Douria! All hail Treize Dreizehn!


  • Image
    Zarquon's infamous Sintar Maxem may have tricked the region
    into making him Delegate, but he still can't find his pants.
    Sintar Maxem, Zarquon Froods: Things have been awfully quiet in recent months for Emperor Zarquon's righthand man and shady intelligence czar, though seizing the Antarctic Oasis delegateship back in May, in the first Delegate Smackdown to be held in AO in three years, was no small feat. We imagine Maxem to be enjoying a blissful vacation this holiday season, sipping mai tais on the beach in some far-off tropical hideaway, cracking a most unnerving smile as he plots his next move in securing his Delegate votes for another term next year. Best of luck, Sintar.

  • Sammy Faisano, Omigodtheykilledkenny: If you blinked you might have missed it, but our young Sammy's fortunes took an unexpected turn this year, when President Fernanda was found drugged up in the Altani embassy with a strangled-half-to-death hooker and had to flee to Empress Jhessan's Bouncy Beach Volleyball court to avoid prosecution. Then-Vice President Faisano's accession to the presidency was quick and painless (and in true Kennyite fashion, humiliatingly chronicled on reality TV), but it did have some interesting if unintended after-effects on Faisano's sometime bride-to-be Avaya Thibaudet. Whether or not these effects were actually felt in Ardchoille, however, remains to be seen; they never tell us anything! And in yet another twist to this harrowing tale, Faisano's former deputy at the UN, Jessie McArthur, somehow bribed her way into the vice-presidency, meaning inevitably more amusing and eventful functions at Executive Mansion, and many, many more happy congressmen as McArthur "lobbies" for the administration's legislative priorities in the Kennyite Snakepit.

  • Nikolas Eberhart, Mousebumples: Like the Dourians, Mousebumples' illustrious WA ambassador was an ever-present force in the GA this year, voicing his country's strenuous opposition to Quelesh's obsessive agenda on habeas corpus and double-jeopardy, and securing the passage of an unprecedented number of resolutions by a single nation in a single year. There were nine of them in total -- including six repeals and a record six resolutions in a row passed during the month of September. Three more resolutions set out the WA's policies on biomedical advances -- rock-solid pieces of legislation, out lawyers assure us, and all prime examples of Eberhart's legislative prowess -- even if their subject matter is incredibly dull. That's the Kennyite psyche for you: if it's not about loud explosions, fast cars or busty women, they couldn't give a shit! And with diplomatic giants like Nikolas running things, who needs 'em?

  • Jhessan Spaulding, The Palentine: While flattening her opponents in the wrestling arena may be Jhessan's preferred method for dealing with political adversaries, she's proven not to be above a little palace intrigue to sort matters either. And so it was last year, when in one fell swoop Jhessan screwed over all of her resentful half-siblings' ambitions to the throne by ordering two ready-made direct heirs through her country's innovative new test-tube fertility clinic. The resulting twins -- whose paternal origins remain a closely guarded palace secret *cough*Tehrani*cough* -- celebrated their first birthday this year, sapping even more attention from their envious aunts and uncles. But Jhessan has little time to worry over what impact her children's good fortune might have on her family, as she preps to host another season of her hit reality series, "Who Wants to Marry an Empress?", poised to premiere in January. And with the Delegateship of Antarctic Oasis itself at stake this time around, 2013 is already shaping up to be a banner year for Jhessan as well.


Kennyites scale back typically rowdy AO Day celebrations

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Kennyites were forced to subdue much of their over-the-top Antarctic Oasis Day festivities back in May after it emerged that the raucous celebrations served more as invitations to terrorist violence than anyone else. But it's not the intended victims of terrorist attacks that the authorities were worried about, but the terrorists themselves, since in the chaos they often end up hurting themselves more than any of their potential targets. It's easy to forget that, while dangerous and fanatical and deeply committed to their violent cause, Paradise City terrorists are also Kennyites, and therefore complete idiots, so more often than naught their self-detonations go horribly awry.

Sascha's reality TV bid riles up right wingers

COCKTOWN, Alqanian Antarctica --- Popular Alqanian actor Marcus Wind may have gotten more than he bargained for when he signed up to compete in a same-sex dating reality show in October. Because his announcement was not greeted with the predictable swooning from young female fans that the CW-esque drama icon was probably used to, but the brash, unpleasant tones of Kennyite Judge Sandy Schweitzer, who faulted Wind for contributing to the decay of society and trying to turn more impressionable young men into manwhores. Alqania's response was basically, "Whoring is actually good for you, so get over it, bitch," but Judge Sandy is having none of it.

Scandal casts pall over routine WerePenguin elections

DUMONT d'URVILLE, Retired WerePenguins --- OK, so the way it happened was, Lindsay finally drummed up the courage to tell Josh that she really likes him, except she doesn't realize that Josh has been sneaking around with Jessica, and this was right after Jessica finally got over herself and apologized to Lindsay for telling everyone that Lindsay got her period in PE class, and then told Lindsay she would never betray her trust again! Whoa! Meanwhile, Shaneequa is worried about taking the next step with Jamal, because she thinks Jamal is immature and might not be able to handle a sexual relationship. Finally, the young hunky history teacher Mr. Stenson tries to reassure Tiffany that he was not trying to flirt with her last week when Tiffany asked for help on her assignment -- even though everyone totally knows that Mr. Stenson is way into her! But I don't want to spoil too much of the story for you. You best find out what happened for yourself.

AO Day fireworks light up the sky over Thoringrad, Omigodtheykilledkenny.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:28 am, edited 4 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

User avatar
Posts: 13
Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Hot werepenguin sex! Also pirates

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sun Jun 23, 2013 3:37 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 23 June 2013

RWP extorts Delegateship from AO's Founder

I think we've finally figured out what this flag of theirs is supposed to be portraying: apparently
it's NOT a recreation of Washington Crossing the Delaware by gay historical reenactors. It's a sneak-attack
by werepenguin special forces trying to steal the keys to the Delegate's office. Good show!

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- It may have taken them a few times, but Retired WerePenguins have finally gotten their hands something they've relentlessly coveted for years: the Delegateship of Antarctic Oasis.

The news came as quite a shock to the region at large, at least to the people paying attention (as an intense wave of apathy has apparently swept across the ice shelves of late). Most leaders were probably too preoccupied with releasing loud explosions, cackling toxic fumes across the borders to neighboring countries, ogling maniacally, and setting off the Thessadorian Ambassador to care. ...No wait -- that was supposed to be SETTING OFF loud explosions, RELEASING toxic, the hell with it! The point is, no one was watching.

And that turned out to be the exact right time for the WerePenguins to hatch their evil scheme to install themselves in power.

"We're tired of playing fair and putting up a clean fight all the time," an aid to former Ambassador Flash Blonde was reported to have said. "After three tries -- or is this four? -- four tries at this...or maybe it was five? Anyway, we thought it was about time we fought on the same level as all the other assholes who have competed for the job: with dirty tricks, underhanded plots and unscrupulous deals. Yes, it's time we finally did this the Antarctian Way."

And it appears to have worked: twelve hours, four werepenguin spies dressed as hookers, eighteen "private dances" given at WAHQ, twenty-one incriminating photographs showing Kennyite officials in compromising positions, six critical minutes in which the spies had to quickly phase to penguin form and swim to rendezvous by way of the Palentine dolphin tank, and fourteen officials rushing to the bathroom to retch violently over the toilet later, President Faisano called Brenda White...or was it Reeta Orange?...Alline Creamcolor?...Fanny Burnt-Sienna-with-Fluorescent-Green-Polka-dots? -- whoever it is that's serving as Faithful Navigator nowadays -- and told her it was time to deal.

Critics of the werepenguins' duplicitous tactics -- apparently forgetting what region they were in -- actually had the nerve to call their plot a subversion of democracy. "This is an outrage," Kennyite Ambassador to Gruenberg Amanda Huggenkiss (or whatever her name is) is quoted as saying. "It flies in the face of fair play and honest dealing, and it's all too typical of the tyrannical Fernanda/Faisano regime. It's time we had free and fair elections in the Antarctic Oasis region."

But Amanda had to call short her news conference when reporters wouldn't stop laughing at her ridiculous assertion.

Other leaders in the region didn't seem quite so invested in the selection process.

"Why the fuck are you bothering me about this Delegate bullshit NOW?!" demanded an irate Trey Dreizehn as he climbed off what at first appeared to be a startled polar bear, and later turned out to be a Karmicarian in a sexy eskimo costume. "Get the fuck out of my igloo--er, office!"

"Retired WerePenguins won the Regional Delegateship fair and square," Kennyite Secretary of State Jack Riley said -- nervously, robotically and seemingly under duress -- while meeting with reporters outside WAHQ recently. "There's absolutely no need to contact anyone in our WA offices. No one was compromised. And certainly no one had to be rushed to the emergency room to treat severe illness brought on by the realization that they'd just had sex with an Adelie penguin. Thank you."

When confronted about the scandal, Flash Blonde told a reporter, "Shut the fuck up."

Coughs end budding young congressman's career

PARADISE CITY --- Liberal Assemblyman Hal Sheker barely knew what hit him Tuesday night when a dust particle inadvertently flew up his nose during a nationally televised speech. Hours later, his political career lay in shambles.

Sheker, a formerly promising up-and-comer in the Liberal Party and half-brother of Altani politician Armen Sheker, was in the process of delivering his party's response to President Sammy Faisano's State of the Union address when the tragic incident unfolded.

"While we are all grateful that President Faisano was willing to take up the reins of government during an unfortunate and tumultuous time for our country, his insistence on continuing the Fernanda Administration's heartless and destructive policies would mean more troubled times ahead for the least fortunate in our society," Sheker said during his speech, before pausing a moment to cough twice into his hand. "Excuse me," he uttered, and quickly moved on.

But the damage had already been done. Instantly social media were ablaze with poorly informed commentary from Internet jackasses who think they know politics just because they are in on snarky political memes. Cable news blowhards quickly chimed in as soon as the response speech was over, professing bafflement at Sheker's "bizarre" coughing episode that lasted all of two seconds.

After his cough, Sheker naturally reached for a bottle of water...and sealed his doom.

The mocking ensued from Omigodtheykilledkenny's insufferable talking heads, some questioning whether Sheker's infant career was over. Ann Coulter piled on with an acidic suggestion that Sheker be put on a breathing machine, "if he cannot figure out the simple mechanics of breathing on his own." One Conservative lawmaker on Fox News laughed so hard over the incident he actually had a heart attack on live television. (Incidentally, no one questioned whether his career was over.)

Then came the terrible puns from tabloid headline writers. "COUGH-GATE," declared the Paradise City Telegram. "KILLER COUGH?" demanded the Thoringrad Pony Express. "POLITICAL 'HACK'," taunted the San Andreas Carrier Pigeon. "HACK ATTACK," the Colorado City Town Drunk called it.

Even Frowning Street joined in, with Faisano political adviser Sal Clement sending Sheker a month's supply of Hall's, with a handwritten invitation to "put one of these in your mouth and suck on it!" before his next TV appearance.

Sheker's coughing episode likely came as a welcome distraction for Frowning Street, still reeling from the recent scandal surrounding Faisano's succession to the presidency following Manuelo Fernanda's "flight of shame" to Jhessan's bouncy beach volleyball court. Hacked emails suggest that Frowning Street officials floated the possibility of a Supreme Court nod for Judge Sandy Schweitzer if she used her influence in the federal judiciary to have Faisano legally declared president.

The possibility of a Kennyite coup sent shockwaves through the Antarctic Oasis sphere of influence. Douria's Treize Dreizehn actually sent Faisano a wreath of flowers with "warm congratulations" for his "Machiavellian feat" in usurping Kennyite democracy. Other WA colleagues simply rolled their eyes, muttering "Stupid Kennyites!" Palentine Empress Jhessan Spaulding threatened to visit Paradise City soon "to kick Sammy Faisano's ass all over the Green Zone" -- although we're not sure the empress was specifically responding to the "coup" when she said that.

Those calling for Faisano's ouster included the president's ex-fiancee, Ardchoillean foreign minister Avaya Thibaudet, who recently told WA reporters: "Sammy Faisano may be a deadbeat, a womanizer, a liar, a jerk, and a sorry excuse for a man, but that doesn't mean he should be sentenced to rule over that awful country he lives in. No one deserves that!" She added, "As Sammy's friend, I urge the Kennyite people to immediately impeach and remove him from office."

Winds of change promise smooth sailing for BK pirates
...and other assorted maritime metaphors

ATLANTIS, Bloodstone Kay --- If the murmurs and rumours leaking from the Great Warship Atlantis are to be believed, changes are afoot in the nation. Djohariah Illuminati hasn't been seen in years, either chasing or hiding from the upwardly mobile Kari Kagrosi, but the latest news is that time, and Kari, have both caught up to Djorhariah, with Kari having stolen the much coveted title of Dread Pirate.

Duke Sulin Solibu got his hair did for his appointment to the WA.

We remember Kari as the bad-ass chick pirate who shocked the region and much of the world with her relentless appetite for blood and power when she made her big debut during a past AO Delegate competition. Since then she has been the country's chief spokeswoman in the WA.

Within her declaration address as Dread Pirate, however, Kagrosi quietly dispensed with the traditional battle royale to replace her for the position of WA Pirate -- instead summarily naming the well-dressed Duke Sulin Solibu IV as the new man for this position.

Nobody is quite sure what deal he's made with Davey Jones since Solibu was actually reported dead some 132 years ago, but it's seems to have left him with an appetite for political intrigue, backroom dealings and a rather fetching flaming skull.

Cookesland & Aurania-Shifre mark 'Unipendence Day'

CORICAS, Cookesland -- Cookesland celebrated its anniversary of its declaration of independence from the Empire of Aurania-Shifre, a move that would provoke the Cookeslandic War for Independence. At the same time, Aurania-Shifre marked the same date as its own national holiday, Unity of the Crowns, when the then-independent nations of Aurania and Shifre united their royal families to form the Aurano-Shifrean Empire.

Historians from both nations agree that the choice of the date to declare independence was intentional, as a protest at the Aurano-Shifrean monarchy for suddenly raising the tax on wig-powder on the Cookeslandic colonists. The result of the move has been that the two countries have been at odds with one another over whose day it should actually be. The animosity has caused tensions to flare between Olympia City and Coricas from time to time. An all-time low was reached in 1956 when several drunken Auranians interrupted the Independence Day parade in Port Imbris and launched fireworks at parade-goers.

Eat your heart out, Princess Beatrice...this is how the Aurano-Shifreans roll!

In recent years as relations between the two countries have improved, so has the idea of sharing the same day. Since Cookesland and Aurania-Shifre are probably located near one another and share a great deal of cultural similarities (such as having the same national colors of sky blue, yellow, and white), as well as having large ex-patriot populations of each other's citizens, has caused both holidays to be popular in both nations. The traditional Aurano-Shifrean Spiral Hat has become widely seen at Cookeslandic celebrations as has the Cookeslandic wearing of blue, yellow, and white clothing in Aurania-Shifre.

Many of the countries' younger populations have taken to calling January the 9th by the portmanteau term "Unipendence Day," a move that has alarmed many traditionalists, who fear that the increasing closeness is destroying the cultural identities of these nations. Whatever the case, the vast majority of the populations has not really cared.

One of the biggest landmarks of this year's celebrations was the heads of state President Isabella Wu and Empress Alexandrina I each wishing their counterpart and the other nation a happy holiday via Skype as they addressed the people from their respective capitals. The rest of the day was celebrated with large firework displays, parades, and eating the traditional Aurano-Shifrean Crown Cake/Cookeslandic Freedom Cake.

Now this would make the Palentine dolphins swear up a storm...
Whaling in the Altani Commonwealth banned!

THE HUB, Commonwealth of Independent Nations --- The practice of whaling has been banned in all Commonwealth waters, and all Commonwealth fishermen have likewise been banned from whaling anywhere in the world under penalty of law, thanks to strict new maritime regulations implemented by the government of Chief Councillor Eranik Zurabian.

The Zurabian government drafted the total ban in response to ongoing criticism of the Commonwealth's notoriously bad reputation on the environment. "The degradation of our environment and natural resources, and our subsequently poor reputation in Catena and the world, compelled us to begin taking steps to lead to a more sustainable future," Zurabian said after the Commonwealth Legislature approved the ban by a bare majority.

The partners of WhaleCo Global LLC are reportedly devastated
at the news that they can no longer profit off the sumptuous
whaling meat formerly harvested in Altani waters.

Legislators from the Commonwealth constituent countries of Altan Ulus, Altani Antarctica and Altani Athica strenuously opposed the ban, arguing that it would do little to protect the environment and discriminated unfairly against a single industry. "The livestock and farming industries are the only ones who will benefit from this ban," Khan Arslan of the Altan Ulus said after it was passed. "This will do nothing for the environment, but it will devastate many communities from an economic and cultural standpoint."

Officials said that they will address the issues of cultural and economic needs by introducing a synthetic whale meat product now entering the market. The synthetic whale, produced by Altani conglomerate NomNom Inc., is said to have the same taste and texture as the real thing, and is grown in vats using reproduced tissue cells. It is the first "vat meat" product successfully produced in the Commonwealth, and is expected to lead the way for other implementations. Officials are now testing versions that replicate beef, poultry, and other livestock in order to lessen the demand of farming and ranching on the highly stressed and fragile environment of the Commonwealth mainland.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Wed Jul 30, 2014 7:25 am, edited 4 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

User avatar
Posts: 13
Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Where in the World Is Doozy Sandiego?

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Tue Jul 29, 2014 6:58 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 29 July 2014

Palentine leader reported missing

The Palentine is offering 25 million (worthless) WA Credits and a Groucho mask for information leading to the recovery of its beloved leader, Emperor Captain Spaulding. Please call the office of Minister Harpo Spaulding at 866-HONK-HONK for more info.

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- After weeks of rumors. the Imperial Family and Palace has finally admitted that His Dooziness, Emperor Captain Spaulding I, is missing.

The rumors began when the beloved emperor had not been seen at his golf course, the Oakmount Country Club, for weeks. Soon afterwards a story came out from the Omigodtheykilledkenny press that Xt'Tap extremists attempted to infiltrate the palace and kidnap the emperor. It seems that a minor Xt'tap Priest issued a fatwa against Her Imperial Hotness over her refusal to pick WA Amb. Susa Batko-Yovino as her husband a couple years ago. The story states that the infiltrators made it to the emperor's sanctum and found it deserted.

After a running gun battle with Imperial Security and Jaegermonsters, two of the team of five were able to escape the palace. The palace has refused to refute or confirm the story.

An Imperial spokesman confirmed that the Emperor is missing and has said that the Imperial family is distraught with concern and worry. The official also stated that the Imperial Family will be offering a substantial reward for information leading to The Emperor's whereabouts. He confirmed that Co-Empress Jhessan and the rest of the family would not be discussing the matter with the press at the current time.

Finally, we have the rumors of what happened. Reporters recently surveyed the people of the Palentine about what they think has become of their emperor. A surprising number of those asked believe it was aliens who have abducted the emperor for nefarious reasons. Another group insist that the palace is covering up a serious and debilitating accident that the emperor suffered. (The Picayune is certain its readers will remember the infamous "Ball-Washer Incident" of late 2007 at Oakmount CC.)

A smaller group asserts that when the Emperor heard that Antigone Morgan was going to make an announcement, he fled to parts unknown, fearing that she was announcing a new movie. Finally a small minority say that the Emperor got bored and decided to go to where the action was...after all, he's done it before, they point out.

No matter what the rumors state, this newspaper pledges to the citizens of the Palentine and AO that it will not rest until the mystery is solved.

Kennyites ban Justin Bieber from nation
Er, make that..."Dustin Beaver"; also Dr. Castro

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Members of the God-fearing Freedom-loving Conservative Patriot Party in the Federal Senate are pushing for new restrictions on issuing foreign visas, in a bill that Senate Liberals and immigration activists have blasted as prejudicial and discriminatory toward certain groups -- though not the groups one might think.

Conservatives want to give the State Department wider authority to bar high-profile figures from other countries from entering the Federal Republic.

"It's just like what they do in Britain and Canada, when they ban annoying loudmouth talk-show hosts and commentators from visiting their countries," explained Sen. Ricardo Nubio, C-Fleurdelisia, a chief sponsor of the legislation. "Only this law would have farther-reaching implications, to target people from all across the entertainment industry, including all those revolting 'pop stars' who brainwash our young people and give all the rest of us migraines with their 'music.'"

But Senate Liberals charge that the new restrictions would serve no other purpose than to curtail free expression. "Boy groups and pop singers may not be everyone's cup of tea, but for God's sake that's no reason to ban them from the country!" said Sen. Kay Billie Huffington, L-Kennsylvania. "If we were going after bombastic and demagogic commentators, like they do in the Commonwealth, that would be a different story. Corking that vampiric fascist mega-slut Ann Coulter's piehole, for example -- that I could get behind! Pulling the plug on Katy Perry? Eh, not so much."


Supporters of the bill say that it's not so much the music that offends them, it's the behavior of its purveyors, perhaps most notoriously the Palentine import Dustin Beaver, who was recently captured on a cell-phone cam pissing drunkenly into a potted plant and shouting "F#@% Manuelo Fernanda!"

"That little punk is a guest in this country!" railed Nubio. "How dare he piss all over our values and defame our venerated leaders!...Erm, OK, so maybe he was just restating what many bimbos in this country have done with Fernanda, but still. Also, what's with that kid speaking ebonics all the time and dressing up like a thug? Does he even realize he's white?"

(The Palentine, for their part, deny that Beaver even exists. "All our pop stars are cute young Japanese women. That's the law!" insisted Empress Jhessan. "Although I definitely agree with the 'f#@% Manuelo' part. I already had some for breakfast, but maybe I can skip out for an early lunch?")

Opponents of the measure fear that it could actually have broader effects than simply keeping irritating pop-culture influences out. They take especial exception to one particular provision buried within the text: "Those to whom said restrictions on entry to the Federal Republic shall apply include, but are not limited to: a) blond, angelic-looking boysingers whose repertoire consists mainly of singing the word 'baby' over and over again until listeners want to crush their MP3 players into the wall, or otherwise commit violent acts against themselves; B) 'bands' consisting of four or more young men but no instruments (or containing instruments but no discernible talent), even if one of the members seems kind of cool because he's so prolific in scoring with his friends' moms, or who leads a deliciously ironic lifestyle alternating posting reverent Muslim prayers on his Twitter feed and banging out horny young fangirls on tour; c) smug, insufferable British commentators previously known for editing ethically challenged tabloids and judging reality TV competitions, but who now spend most of their airtime delivering condescending lectures on everything that's wrong with our country, chiefly gun culture and race relations; d) wholesome yet homely Scottish singers who can belt out Broadway standards convincingly enough, but who suffer nervous breakdowns every other week; e) anyone bearing even a faint resemblance to Dr. Benjamin Castro."

"Personally, I favor the provisions forcing Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes into emergency 'preemptive' rehab programs the moment they check in at customs, and mandating that Miley Cyrus take regular classes at charm and beauty school so she'll stop dressing and acting like a drugged-up whore," observed Huffington. "Those are actually quite prudent and necessary measures in the interest of public safety -- but to add on such a hefty restrictions clause listing all the kinds of people who should be targeted for extra scrutiny just takes it a step too far."

The Faisano administration has yet to take a stance on the controversial bill, but Senate leaders have reportedly been warned not to expect much public support, and with congressional elections just around the corner, critics detect another motive behind the bill's introduction.

"Obviously this is about stoking voters' fears of foreigners destroying their way of life just in time for congressional balloting," charged Senate President pro tempore Sherman Grassley, L-Lubberland. "If they think they're going to win back the Senate this way, they got another think coming."

'Hell no, we will go!'
Retired WerePenguins pulls out of WA

DUMONT D’URVILE, Retired WerePenguins –-- In a surprise move earlier this year, Faithful Navigator James Blonde announced that the Nifty Fraternity of Retired WerePenguins would resign from the World Assembly and the delegate position of the Antarctic Oasis region, effective immediately, if not sooner.

Faithful Navigator James Blonde also reported that the budget for delegate Barry Black would be cut immediately and he would be recalled to Retired WerePenguins. "However, as of this moment," the Faithful Navigator replied, "the official bar tab in the World Assembly Stranger’s Bar is closed; paid in full."

Reaction to the news was swift. Faithful Captain, Barbara Amisha Black replied, "Wait a second? We paid the Stranger’s Bar tab in full? Why would anyone want to do that? I mean we’re leaving the World Assembly and everyone knows that the WA has no authority outside the WA. It's not like they would have attempted to collect the money. We should have bought drinks for everyone and then snuck out the back door. Damn fiscal responsibility! That’s what happens when you let a Blonde run the country!"

There have been constant reports that the real motivation for the sudden resignation from the World Assembly was not because of the Reproductive Freedoms resolution, at the time up being debated on the General Assembly floor, but the fact that the Faithful Navigator’s sex life has stagnated lately.

Image redacted by mod
An exhibition (pun intended) of just some of the demonstrably sane, rational-minded opposition to the RWP government's vote against Reproductive Freedoms in the WA Snakepit-- er, "General Assembly."

The Faithful Navigator denies such allegations but added, “On the other hand, I suppose I was guilty of reading too much Pulp Fiction novels, especially about that 'President Kennedy' getting all those movie actresses like Marylyn Monroe to his secret bedroom. So I’m kind of annoyed that no one is flocking to the Chair Officer’s official Hot Tub. Barry Black keeps saying that was because in the novel the President was married and I’m single and no one wants to get involved in a perfectly normal relationship these days. I was so depressed at one point I actually thought a Kennyite was hot … yes that one … we all know that one. But that had no effect on the decision to resign from the WA. None!"

Faithful Navigator James Blonde insisted that the nation is not going to change their current laws on abortions, designed from the WA General Assembly’s resolution On Abortion. "Abortion will still be available in Retired Werepenguins under the conditions listed in the resolution that was adopted by the WA and approved by the nation. Such abortions will be safe, staffed by knowledgeable people and will be done in such a manner so as to ensure that the pre-born does not experience a painful death. We firmly believe that the mention of the ability of the World Assembly to legalize, along with other member states, other specific conditions for abortions as a blanket excuse to make the resolution redundant by legalizing abortion for any reason whatsoever and to allow any idiot who fancies himself a doctor from performing dangerous surgical procedures on unsuspecting women."

Reports indicate that once Barry Black returns to Retired WerePenguins he will be immediately board a starship for The Pleiades where a meeting of the representatives of the Tzorsland Puppet Confederation will be held to determine the Confederation’s options to the resignation of Retired WerePenguins. Under the terms of the Confederation treaty, no more than one member of the Confederation may be in the World Assembly at the same time, although nothing technically prohibits none of the nations from being in the World Assembly. Representatives from Frustrated Franciscans and Blue Booted Bobbies declined to comment with the exception that both members stated that they were “required” to attend. The only one interested was the representative from “A Running Man” who was carrying a large twelve foot sharpened pencil. Tzorsland security finally insisted that he had to check his pencil in as regular and not as carry on luggage.

Royal wedding sets off sibling rivalry

COCKTOWN, Alqanian Antarctica --- As The Duchess of Vliessland, 26, marries the Emperor of Italia Venetiensis, questions resurface regarding the status of her older sister, The Vicereine and Governor General, 28. The Royal Family sure seems to take its time in ensuring the royal lineage, with Princess Linda being the first of the Queen's children to wed. But perhaps some marriages are worth waiting for? As the consort of an Emperor, Linda will outrank even the Queen, albeit it is uncertain to what extent the imperial dignity will be present within the Queendom.

Princess Caroline, Vicereine and Governor General, Duchess of Oxliey, Her Majesty's Ambassador to Antarctic Oasis and holder of too many titles to list, seems to be using the snooze button on her biological clock as she dismisses any inquiry into her relationship status, although there have for some time circulated rumours about her potential union with various foreign dynasties. Can Alqanian Antarcticans, following the televised fiasco between the Grand Duke and the Palentine Empress, perhaps hope for a Vicereine that manages to hook up for life with someone more important, respected and permanent than, say, a Kennyite Vice President?

Although the Vicereine insists that she feels at home in Antarctica, perhaps the Antarctic Oasis is not the most likely region to find her a spouse? Potential marriage partners in speculation have included anyone from the Quendi to New Edom, though given the state of Alqanian foreign relations, perhaps a Stonewall Alliance member would be more likely? Or, if the Princess would be inclined to return to her home region, why not a Gay neighbour? One thing we know: with her younger sister getting hitched to a Venetian Emperor, the bar is certainly set high.

Princesses Caroline (left) and Linda (right) at the Royal Advent Ball in Wilborg earlier this month.
Last edited by USS Monitor on Fri May 11, 2018 12:05 am, edited 3 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

User avatar
Posts: 13
Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Angry moonrise over AO...oh wait, that's no moon!

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Tue May 19, 2015 3:29 pm

Death Star falls to Kennyites, world quakes in fear

Kennyites apparently found the keys to the Flibbleites' Death Star underneath a pile of used Muppets.

WA HEADQUARTERS --- Kennyite diplomats to the General Assembly claim to have successfully pulled off a heist to wrest control of the infamous Death Star away from the dormant Flibbleites, but other government officials worry that divine intervention might rain on their world-domination parade.

National Security Adviser Capt. Jenny Chiang says she recently received the coveted keys to the old Death Star from her, uh, "captive," "Ambassador" Susa Batko-Yovino, who apparently led the raid on Bob Flibble's offices to find the keys.

"Some people might suspect that if we let a lunatic like Susa get his hands on the keys to a weapon like the Death Star, we'd never hear from him again," said Chiang, "but I have my ways of winning his loyalty!" She chuckled evilly.

"Like promising never to torture him again if he ran off without telling me," she added, under her breath, as though nearby reporters couldn't hear her.

"Don't you mean you WOULD torture him if he ran off without telling you?" asked a confused reporter.

Chiang looked up with a gaze not unlike a deer caught in the headlights. "I know what I said," she muttered angrily, stalking off.

Aids to Capt. Chiang assured reporters that what she MEANT to say was that winning control of the Star may have been a rough task -- apparently Batko-Yovino had to sneak around a sleeping guard of chocobos in order to locate the keys, beneath a massive pile of what can only be described as used Muppets (missing the essential hands up their asses) and dried-out 17-pound trouts -- but that the Kennyites were ready to wield their new power to bring "order" to the chaotic General Assembly.

But new power brings with it new worries, as the job now falls upon Kennyite diplomats to insist to GA fluffies that they do TOO have a Death Star, and will not hesitate to use it if they do not get their way on key votes -- including a repeal they've been drafting in secret for weeks, but dare not bring it up now...

"Some nitpicking rules-lawyers may try to point out that theft doesn't make the Death Star legally ours," said WA mission official George Brown. "But I think we can convince them as to the validity of our case once we blow up their precious Planet Alderaan! Heh-heh...just as soon as we figure out how the controls work."

Yes, it appears the Kennyites have hit another snag in their reckless quest for global supremacy: no one in the Kennyite military has anywhere near the technological know-how to operate a massive, ultra-advanced interstellar weapon/space station -- particularly one that has been out of use for some time (it has not been seen in action since blowing up the WA Space Research Station in 2011), and may require billions of dollars in upkeep before it's back in working order. Yet spokespersons for the Kennyite Armed Forces contend they will eventually work it all out, and have even been in secret consultations with Yeldan scientists on how to blow up a peaceful, weaponless planet.

Kennyite scientists pledge their Death Star will augur in a new Reign of Technological
Terror at the World soon as they figure out how the controls work.

But some members of the World Assembly are having none of it. "Don't be too proud of this technological terror the Kennyites have constructed," a nekomusume from the Eternal Kawaii could be overheard snorting in the Strangers' Bar after Chiang announced she had the Death Star keys. "The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Cute One."

"Wait, wait, wait! Did someone mention the Cute One?" a suddenly frightened Secretary of State Jack Riley asked reporters. "That just brings up all kinds of new problems!"

When reporters only laughed at his odd contention, Riley went on: "No, no, it's true! I was ambassador to the Eternal Kawaii! I've seen it! The power of their insane deity is terrible and awesome, and he sure as hell doesn't like new technologies designed to destroy! I tell you one thing, all the disbelievers sure had a big wake-up call when the evil Lord Gojira emerged from the waters and started smashing everything in sight!"

The reporters were rolling on the floor in hysterics as Riley tried to explain his new plan to patrol nearby mountains to make sure the Sanrio Kittens didn't descend from them with an appetite for destruction, and also the oceans in case Lord Gojira awoke from his nap, and just to be on the safe side, shrines to the Cute One on the off-chance of another zombie-critter attack.

"SHUT UP!!!!" the secretary fumed at his incredulous audience. "Once the Death Star makes me Supreme Lord and Master of the Known Universe, you are so BANISHED!!"

Controversy surrounds AO's reaching out to like-minded regions

GEHINNEHEM, Lois-Must-Die --- In a move being blasted by some residents as "way too nice," "borderline fluffy," and "just plain suck-upish," the Antarctic Oasis Department of Foreign Affairs announced that the region would suspend its usual saber-rattling against peaceful countries and railing ceaselessly against the tyranny of the World Assembly, in order to engage in some (rather uncharacteristic) interregional diplomacy.

Under the new plan, four new embassies with other regions would be constructed, and the extant relationship with Osiris would be cemented via opening an official consulate in their diplomatic forum.

"Frankly, I'm against it," griped the lone charge d'affairs still working at the foreign affairs department. He took a break from snorting crack-cocaine laced with gunpowder off his desk to add: "Do you realize just annoying it is to trek out to the Ceremonial South Pole and plant another flag every time we make friends with some other region? It's not an easy trip, there's the Evil Smurfs and N00bianans you have to worry about out there, and it's colder than an Ardchoillean witch's tit, really."


The plan has also generated concern from some residents of the regions to be coddled. Apparently Osiran officials balked at the idea of closer relations with Antarctic Oasis, a few of whose residents supported (in the ironic, "this is too funny" sense, at least) the 2013 coup against the former government of Osiris.

"Man, the Dourians have been extinct for almost half a year now, yet they still come back to haunt us!" commented a Kennyite State Department official, speaking on condition of anonymity. "Apparently that old broken down mansion we had transferred the site of the former city of Douria wasn't good enough for them; their ghosts still have to hang around this crazy place."

Other regions slated for embassy construction have not raised much of a protest...yet. Catholic (home of the never-uncontroversial Christian Democrats) informed Antarctic Oasis that they normally only align themselves with other Catholic regions, but since Antarctic girls were kinda cute, and they'd like to get their numbers, they'd start a vote on whether to open relations anyway. Forest -- which boasts in spades a certain commodity that many Antarctic nations obviously lack -- has already polled its residents, to a positive result. The construction of embassies between those two regions will be completed soon. Glass Gallows has also exchanged embassies. The New Warsaw Pact, which requested embassies four years ago, is still considering the Antarctic offer.

Werepenguins consider 'cutting off' high profile sex-offender

DUMONT D’URVILE, Retired WerePenguins --– as the arrangement of Former First Husband Robert Brown on charges of sexually abusing a minor begins, the recent adoption of castration as a mandatory sentence for sex offenders is raising concerns that the first, first husband in the history of the frozen nation may become a counter tenor.

A visibly nervous Robert Brown, wearing a large orange armband and handcuffs was escorted into court in order to hear the charges placed against him. Bail was denied because he was considered a flight risk, given the extreme punishment that will be applied should he be found guilty.

The debate on whether or not the application of the punishment which was established after the alleged crime was committed but before either the trial or the sentencing is an ex post facto law has been the buzz of the major talk shows and the cable news networks.

Rachael Mad Cow Brown, political commentator, author, television show host and wearer of the ugliest nerdy pair of eyeglasses the world has ever seen, expressed the liberal point of view when she said “Chop it off!” She insisted that the punishment fitted the crime quite nicely.

Mark Loving It Red, lawyer and talk show host, sent mixed signals. “First of all everyone is innocent until proven guilty. But I don’t see why we are discussing whether or not this violates World Assembly bans on Ex Post Facto Laws. Who cares about the World Assembly? We are no longer members of the World Assembly. As the great Aquilina Red, whose administration I once worked for, and who is the greatest navigator ever, once said, ‘Let the world assemble the way they want, but we assemble to the will of our own people, and no others.’”

As a small group of protestors outside the court house with the banner, “Save Robert’s Balls,” battle with a larger group of protestors with the banner “Chop it off,” it is clear that this will be a banner year for news networks and talk radio.

Allied nation kills off another central character, sets off succession crisis

AKTOBE, Commonwealth of Independent Nations --- The Altani nation, and the entire Commonwealth, were stunned today by the announcement that the Khan Arslan (aka King Aelkyn), the ruler of the Altani for the past fourteen years, has died.

According to official reports, the Khan died as the result of an accident suffered while hunting in the rugged terrain outside the city, which serves as the Altani winter capital. The Khan was reportedly thrown from his horse, breaking his neck and killing him instantly. Further details as to the cause of the accident are not yet available; Altani and Commonwealth investigators are looking into the cause of the accident.

The sudden and unexpected death of the Altani leader has sent the entire Altani nation into displays of mourning, with most government buildings and businesses closing to allow people time to grieve. The Altani government has officially declared a two-week mourning period. Khan Arslan was a widely beloved leader, for his role in leading the Altani safely through multiple conflicts and for helping to create the Commonwealth. "While the Commonwealth of Independent Nations will rank as perhaps his greatest legacy, the tremendous resilience and perseverance he showed in leading the Altani through circumstances that would have broken and shattered most peoples will also rank high among the accomplishments of truly great leaders. Khan Arslan will be remembered as a statesman and leader of the highest order, not just in Altani or Commonwealth history, but among any record of the history of heads of state," Chief Councillor Samira Shirazi said, announcing that flags throughout the Commonwealth will be lowered in honor of the fallen leader.

What a shame. The Khan and his wife were such a cute couple! They never saw that
comet barreling straight for the capital city. Wait -- is that what happened?

While the death of the Altani leader would be enough reason for both the Altani, and the Commonwealth, to be upset, the unexpected passing of the Khan has also raised a significant question of succession.

The Khan's son, Dayan, is technically next in line to sit upon the Golden Sun Throne. However, the prince is only fourteen. He is currently under the guidance of the Regent, Eranik Zurabian. The former Chief Councillor was asked to serve as Regent by Khan Arslan when he was forced to abdicate his throne for his actions during the Valadian War. It is unclear at this time if Zurabian will continue to be Regent, or if Dayan will take the throne. It is also unclear what role the Khatun Minghan, wife of the Khan Arslan, will play in succession. There have already been calls from some Altani leaders for Minghan to void the Regency and take the throne herself until Dayan is of age, or just to take the throne outright.

The next few weeks are expected to be perilous and unsettled ones for the Altan Ulus, as the military decides which potential leader to support, and as a nation mourns the loss of one of the most loved leaders in its history. The Commonwealth government in the Hub is expected to watch the situation with grave concern as well; unrest in the largest and most powerful Commonwealth state would be disastrous for the union.


Boyband member leaves, a president gets new mandate

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Music fans were devastated when the Naked Drummer for the popular cover band Gwen's Boy Toys decided to quit in order to give this president thing a try. President Sammy Faisano, who acceded to the country's top job when ex-President Manuelo Fernanda fled to Malibu Islands, was elected to a full term in his own right back in March. Faisano's term has been mired in scandal, as the chief executive faced accusations that his succession was actually a coup orchestrated by former federal Judge Sandy Schweitzer, that he is a closeted "brony," that he was "not tough enough" for not invading very many smaller countries to bully them around and call them terrorists, and that he was "too tough" for seizing the Death Star and "invading" the Planet Mars. Apparently Faisano's critics never heard of the "Goldilocks Defense."

His Dooziness still missing, Generalissimo Francos Spain still dead

The 'BURGH, The Palentine --- After Emperor Captain Spaulding I vanished without a trace last year, numerous theories about what happened to him have been batted around, but few actionable leads have surfaced. Unsubstantiated stories ranging from a palace raid by Xt'Tap jihadis to an alien abduction to the terrifying prospect of a new Antigone Morgan movie have all been covered by the press, but Imperial Security has remained mum on the details. Now K-SPAN is breathing new life into the scandal with a sensational new documentary expose, "His Dooziness: The Real Story," to be aired sometime this summer.

According to the Kennyite public-affairs network, Susa Batko-Yovino, the terrorist who has blown up the World Assembly on several occasions, is actually one of the emperor's many secret love children, and now Batko-Yovino's older sister Susannah (incidentally, also the Kennyite ambassador to the imperial court) is demanding that His Dooziness pay up, lest some unfortunate photographs ever see the light of day.

Specifics about the ambassador's dossier on the emperor are scarce, but rumors abound that they include snapshots of His Dooziness yucking it up and playing golf with Iron Felix, a known COMMUNIST; another of Spaulding munching on popcorn while actually ENJOYING an Antigone Morgan flick; and yet another of him drinking champagne while flirting with the ambassador herself -- which is somewhat taboo considering she is supposedly his stepdaughter.

The palace, again, has refused comment, except to say that the emperor's incestuous run-in, even if true, would have been completely legal under international law, and that His Dooziness, a diehard Iron City™ fan, would never drink champagne. Empress Jhessan's response, however, was a bit more pointed, when she made a trip to WA Headquarters just to kick a K-SPAN film crew's ass.

So long, 2014! You will not be missed.

It was a year of triumph and tragedy, of scandal and accomplishment, of repeals and blockers, of Commends and Condemns, but most importantly, it was a year of getting high as fuck and laughing your asses off while you watched it all happen on TV. Retrospectives from 2014 include a compilation of lesser-known Kennyite political reports, a review and update on major stories from the Palentine, and a WerePenguin State of the Union report that must be read in order to be believed.

Empress Jhessan took a break from searching for her father to get in
some beach volleyball with Kennyite President Faisano. Yowza.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:46 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region

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Posts: 13
Founded: Mar 18, 2005

Postby Lois-Must-Die » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:44 pm

News from the Antarctic Oasis region _۩_ 9 Dec 2018

Region prepares for 'Wedding of the Century'

LEFT: Official Palace photo of the Empress Jhessan, modeling what is thought to be her wedding gown;
RIGHT: Her childgroom future imperial consort, Perfecto Solis, is reportedly taking dance lessons from his mom to prepare for the ceremony.

THE 'BURGH, The Palentine --- Citizens across the country, along with others around the world, are looking forward to the upcoming marriage of the Empress Jhessan and her chosen swain, Perfecto Solis.

"OMG! This is like real romantic, and her wedding dress is sooooo pretty! OMG it's like a fairy tale!" was the reaction from one excited teenage fangirl in the nation's capital. Although this sentiment has been echoed by many -- even by grown adults during TV news broadcasts -- the general feeling among the citizenry has been mixed at best.

Most reactions tend to be very positive, as Her Hotness is extremely popular with the people. Others are happy that her children will be finally having a father. There is also a hope that maybe this marriage will help curb her "party girl" image, and compel other nations in the region and the world to treat her (and by extension The Palentine) with respect, and not merely as a subject of the tabloids.

Inevitably, however, not everyone was pleased at the news of the upcoming marriage. The more conservative elements of Palentine society fret over Her Hotness marrying a foreigner of rather dubious background. The rumor that Perfecto is in fact the illegitimate son of Jhessan's paramour, disgraced former Kennyite president Manuelo Fernanda, has caused great embarrassment and chagrin.

Society types especially look down on Perfecto's mother Hilda as being a uncouth, "new-moneyed" upstart. There are rumors that the Empress is planning on ennobling Hilda as a Countess before the wedding just to spite the old guard nobility, as Her Hotness has had problems with said nobles in the past and holds them in contempt.

On the other side of the continent, in Perfecto's native Omigodtheykilledkenny, the populace tends to view the union more skeptically. It was reported by KNN that the groom remains a person of interest in a foiled 2016 attack on the Kennyite embassy in The 'Burgh. Reaction from the Kennyite government has been muted, though President Sammy Faisano did send Jhessan formal congratulations upon news of the engagement, along with a pumpkin. "Because, as anyone who saw our last match knows, you're a cheater-cheater, pumpkin-eater!" the president explained in his message.

Still, "wedding fever" is said to be gripping many Kennyite residents, particularly Jhessan's local fanbase. "OMG this is so exciting!!! Can't wait for the wedding march!!!" was the caption of a photo Capt. Jenny Chiang recently posted to her Instagram account, featuring herself kissing an embroidered pillow bearing the likenesses of Jhessan and Perfecto. (Chiang has admitted in the past to being a "big fan" of Jhessan's reality show, "Who Wants to Marry an Empress?") Others on social media were not so kind. Aggrieved male wrestling fans were especially angry over their crush being married off to some "punk kid."

At the imperial court, TMZ and various pop-culture and celebrity magazines have been working overtime trying to keep up with the frenzied atmosphere. "It's been crazy. I haven't had a day off in months," complained an anonymous paparazzi.

The imperial press office has been doing its best to answer all inquiries from the public and press. "Her Hotness is extremely happy, and touched by the well wishes of the citizenry. She and her fiancé have been busy making plans," reported Jolene Smith, the imperial press secretary.

While the couple have kept most of the plans private, some information has been made public. The wedding will be held at the Cathedral of St. Ronaldus Magnus in The 'Burgh. The Empress wanted to have it held in her personal church, but logistically it makes more sense to use the central Cathedral of the Church of Reagan instead, especially since right after the ceremony, a ceremony of investiture will be held, where Her Hotness will ennoble her husband and officially invest him with the title of Imperial Consort.

It is also believed that her children will be taking part in the service, and Perfecto himself is said to be preparing them. Daughter Cassandra's suggestion that her mutant Venus fly-trap plant, nicknamed "Cleopatra," be the ring-bearer for the ceremony was reportedly nixed when Perfecto pointed out that if Cleopatra chomped his hand off, it would make it very difficult for him to give the Empress his ring. He offered instead his direwolf, Goblin, who is said to be far more placid than Cleopatra.

Hilda has slowly been warming up to her son's marriage, and somewhat relishing her new role as the "imperial mother-in-law." Mother and son are said to be in the process of becoming Palentine citizens before the wedding. Unfortunately, the Imperial Dowager is not thought to share their enthusiasm. While she has been keeping up a brave facade in public, in private it's been said the Dowager has been hitting the hooch rather strongly.

By contrast, the Palace's infamous Jaegermonster Corps are also said to be really excited. Such a ceremony means they will be called to perform public duties of security and ceremony...and because of that they will be requiring new uniforms, and of course new hats. The contest between Jaegers on who will have the most impressive chapeau is believed to be fierce and much anticipated.

Merchants in the Palentine have also been doing quite well. Already there have been commemorative coins and other licensed merchandise being sold to those who wish to have a lasting memory of the event.

One person who has seen a remarkable increase in business is fashion designer Victoria Huang. After the Palace released photos of the empress modeling the couturier's original design, orders have been flooding in from Palentine brides desiring a similar gown for their own nuptials. It's even been said that sales stemming from The Empress's dress will be at least four times greater than Antigone Morgan's wedding dress, which was also designed by Huang.

Huang is known to be the Jhessan's favorite designer; Her Hotness is said to love the fashionista's simple elegance.

While the Imperial Palace has not yet released the date of the ceremony, it is thought that the wedding will be held on either Valentine's Day or the Vernal Equinox.

Meet some of the faces in the next Kennyite Congress!

PARADISE CITY, Omigodtheykilledkenny --- Last month Kennyite voters made a bold choice when they kinda-sorta-maybe said that the current Conservative leadership of Congress was OK, they guessed, and gave the ruling party a tiny 321-314 majority in the next Assembly. The slim Conservative majority in the Senate remains unchanged. But perhaps the real story of the elections was the quality of the candidates that ran -- and in many cases, won. Let's just say that most of them probably wouldn't even qualify for the Palentine's infamous ambassador-exchange program. There was much public outcry against them; fistfights actually broke out on the sets of cable-news shows over their awfulness; there was even a court challenge filed against them. But they stood firm and emerged victorious. The fact that they could win at all, even in Omigodtheykilledkenny, is perhaps the most remarkable thing. Here are a few profiles of some of the more, erm, "interesting" players we will be seeing in the Snakepit later this month:

The Leader

Josh Hawkins (C-Santa Califia)
The Federal Republic's next Speaker has always been a real go-getter -- even if also a somewhat creepy sycophant. People around him have somehow always known he would one day succeed. In high school he was unanimously voted "Biggest Suckup." Indeed, Hawkins has always had a knack for knowing whose ass to kiss to get what he wants (besides obviously his wife's). He took a real gamble when he chose then-Vice President Sammy Faisano in 2010, but it paid off. By 2015, the young congressman was able to take over the Assembly's Conservative faction and lead it to victory. Kind of. He had a majority of just 319 seats to work with, and unfortunately for him, two of them would die right before the new Congress was called into session. With neither party having an outright majority, Hawkins and the Assembly's veteran Liberal leader, Jim Hankley, came to an odd sort of "shotgun-rule" arrangement, whereby whoever called it first on their way to the Assembly chamber would be acting speaker for that day. This of course meant that if Hankley took over for one day, he could easily sink bills that Hawkins liked, or advance legislation he hated -- at least until Hawkins was able to steal control back. Hawkins has stuck it out, and as a result has finally been rewarded by the voting public. A little. He still has a perilous majority, but at least it's one that could survive a couple freak deaths on opening day. And that's something.

The Pink Protester

Perhaps the most colorful member of the new Senate's small freshman class is Colorado Island's notorious rogue activist who always insists on wearing pink. One of the youngest women ever elected to the upper chamber of Congress, Kristen Sonoma (photo below) has always been driven by a desire to bring about and effect change. However, she became dismayed at how little one could actually accomplish screaming like a banshee in Senate committee hearings. So she decided to start screaming like a banshee on the campaign trail. She's really good at it, too, particularly while being dragged off in handcuffs. It was rumored that Sonoma was bringing cops to her rallies for the express purpose of arresting her so she could put on a show. Agree or disagree with her tactics, they worked. Colorado Islanders were apparently quite pleased with her performance, so now we have the unique opportunity to see how she performs on the dais of committee chambers, instead of in the back of them.

'Blunder Woman'

Lacey Lovelace (C-Nessie)
Everyone is convinced the new assemblywoman-elect from Nessie is out of her mind, from critics and TV talking heads to even her own supporters and donors. Why? Because she is convinced she is a certain popular female superhero from the comic books. As one could imagine, her candidacy has been quite controversial, especially since Lovelace is never seen out of her iconic red and blue costume, even during campaign events and a recent trip to Paradise City for orientation. On the night of her primary win (her opponent had been #MeToo'd at the mast minute and tanked), Liberal candidate Nathan Filcher was said to be ecstatic over his impending general-election victory. His staffers were literally popping champagne corks at campaign headquarters. Then came the debate. As Filcher continued to laugh at and mock his opponent, he actually challenged her to prove she was who she said she was, and apprehend a criminal for him. However, Filcher forgot that he was under investigation for tax fraud, making him the nearest criminal suspect. Lovelace pulled out her lasso of truth, ensnared him, and dragged him all the way across the stage to her bust. Perhaps to demonstrate that the lasso actually worked, Filcher caught a look at her goods and exclaimed, "Damn, those are huge!" Needless to say, Lovelace is the one laughing now.

'Real-life Superhero'

Phoenix Fernandez (L-Nueva Jorge)
* Seen here in a rare moment without his mask.
At 20, he will be the youngest member of the new Congress, but that is not why he is famous. For he has already made quite a name for himself, as Thoringrad's very own masked vigilante, "Phoenix Rising." No, he does not have superpowers. The amateur MMA fighter mostly participates in crowd control, informing the community about at-large crime suspects, and intervening in street assaults and petty crimes. But he does it all in costume. And just like with fictional superheroes, Fernandez's efforts have not always been appreciated. A woman he rescued from an assault later sued him, claiming he groped her. Security cameras proved her wrong. And his occasional progressive streak has not always been a big crowd-pleaser. On one occasion, while he and a group of friends were trying to save a small pod of dolphins that had washed up on a local beach, some of the bystanders could actually be heard yelling, "THEY'RE DOLPHINS! JUST LET THEM DIIIEEEEEE!!" There was also that time he took down the notorious supervillain Greedy McSlim, who had developed an atmospheric device to accelerate global warming so he could make a killing off beachfront property in Vermont. No, wait; that was last month's issue of "The Amazing Goatboy." No matter. The point is, now that Fernandez is a Federal Assemblyman, he may be able to tackle climate change head-on (which corporate-sponsored congressman are always loathe to do). Let's see how he does.

Armchair Warrior

We might have put this one higher up in this article, but this is hardly the first time this character has appeared. That's right, everyone's favorite neocon is back: Erica Dolittle (photo below), the famed "Army brat" who never fought a war in her life but is only too willing to go on cable TV and push for sending real troops abroad to their potential deaths. The former ambassador to Zarquon Froods, Dolittle was said to have been considered as the Federal Republic's top diplomat at the WA -- if the international body ever got its act together. (Stop laughing.) Instead, she's going to the Federal Assembly, having been elected on a staunch, unwavering "Invade Everywhere!" platform. She even insisted on the trail, "Those shithole countries don't even know what's coming!" It reportedly made Cory Booker cry tears of rage. Probably the main reason she won.

'Young and Dumb'

Bradley Wheeler (C-Fleurdelisia)
His opposition thought they had a winner when they coined the sarcastic slogan for his campaign, "Young and Dumb 2018!" Yet somehow the green and woefully inexperienced Bradley Wheeler turned it right back around on the Liberals. "When you think about it, everyone's all into representation these days. Well, who's representing the dumb guys?!" he asked during a rally. It was not the only issue Wheeler had opinions about. When he began his campaign he told his supporters he wasn't really looking forward to going to "the Assembly," because, as he put it, "I'm not very good at putting things together...but I'll give it my best shot!" Then came: "Everytime you log onto social media you're bombarded with a bunch of crap about intersectionality and transgender bathrooms. What happened to the issues that actually matter, like the metric system? Now, the Metrics have been giving the Imperials a lot of shit lately, but I don't think we've given this a lot of thought. Because as we all know, the San Andreas Imperials have the best offensive tackle we've seen in decades, and if the Metrics think they can do better, let them prove it on the field! But until then, they should stop with the trash-talk!" Needless to say, the Liberals had no idea how to respond to such fresh political insight, and lost the election.

The Wild Card

Lilybeth Gomez-Tan (L-Thorland)
There's little telling just where this one is going to end up on any given day -- it is said her own party leadership is nervous about whipping her in the new Federal Assembly, unpredictable and erratic as she is. And, belonging to as many categories as she does, being Mexican, Asian, indigenous, lesbian, intergender, atheist, revolutionary socialist and completely insane. But there was one good thing about her candidacy: she ticked off so many requisite diversity boxes that Liberal congressional recruiters were able to breathe a sigh of relief and just run boring, inoffensive white guys throughout the rest of the state. A darker and much more intense version of Kristen Sonoma, Gomez-Tan is a staunch practitioner of identity politics, and is particularly obnoxious when it comes to cultural appropriation and "representation." She sparked controversy when during a magazine interview she slammed President Faisano as a "pretend brown dude," explaining herself thusly: "He just acts so fucking white all the time, it makes my skin crawl." Conservative assemblymen have already called for her to be censured for racism, practically on her way through the Assembly doors. But if there's one thing Gomez-Tan knows how to do, it's intimidate white guys into silence.

Image Image
Left: Kristen Sonoma (L-Colorado Island); right: Erica Dolittle (C-Lubberland)
("America" in the left photo refers to a Kennyite porn actress who was recently fired for her outspoken progressive views.)

'Let's no longer make RWP great again!'

DUMONT d'URVILLE, Retired WerePenguins --- After several years of "Frighteningly efficient WerePenguinian economy," which was completely ignored by the media, a highly successful immigration policy that stopped illegal immigrants from fouling up the nation, and nonstop investigations about some alleged Kennyite collusion, the national elections were seen as an afterthought to the regular, exceptionally boring news cycle. The Bigtopian Lives Matter party won the plurality in at least two of the cycles of congress and as a result managed to get a coalition together that will take effect at the start of next year. Spring Session Speaker Baron Black-Blonde has promised that they will, once again, start looking into various allegations of the retiring Faithful Navigator, Baron Blonde.

Senatorial elections, on the other hand, went without any incident this time and all the officers managed to move up in their positions. RWPO Baron Blonde will be assuming the mostly symbolic position of Admiral. The number one position in the nation will be assumed by RWPO George H.W. Blonde Brown, a fourth generation WerePenguin.

In honor of George H. W. Blonde Brown's election, he was recently animated into a popular Kennyite sitcom.

In the past George H.W. Blonde Brown has been known for making derogatory comments about the way Baron Blonde ran the country, suggesting that it was "voodoo economics." In addition, while the military has been adequately funded, it really hasn't been involved in any conflicts of late. "We really need to start seeing some explosions," he was recently quoted as saying. "I’m sure we could really field a good BombBall squad if we worked hard at it."

Another interesting change may be in the priorities of the military. Up until now, most, if not all of the officers in chair positions came from the original service of the nation, the navy. George H.W. Blonde Brown, however, comes from the air force, derisively known as the "chair force" by the navy. While their technical position is somewhere between the navy and the space force (literally), they have often been on the bottom of the funding chain.

This may prove impossible to implement as Spring Session Speaker Baron Black-Blonde has promised making both military and police budget cuts his second highest priority (second only to impeachment proceedings against whomever he doesn't particularly like). They clearly do not have the necessary votes to implement their proposed tax increases, given the statement of the incoming Navigator, "read my lips; no new taxes!" This may result in a constitutional crisis or it may result in an even greater economy, since everyone knows that whenever Congress acts, the economy nosedives.

The Imperial State comes roaring back with (literally) explosive reports

BombBall season starts; nation rares for extra-violent matches

NEW IMPERIAL CITY, The Imperial State (New Imperial Times) --- Folks, it's that time of year again, where the whole neighborhood gathers around your beautiful General Products Plasma TV (the best money can buy!) and watches the nation's favorite sport...BombBall! Recently we saw some incredible games, with the Samston Genocidals triumphing over the SoCal Border Patrol in the last 30 seconds of the game, with an incredibly accurate airstrike on a Skyrim hospital! The ensuing fireball also caused damage at a nearby WA Facility, warranting the extra points. As the new season starts, the annual parade of hippie wimps complaining about BombBall's "fascist message" or "sanctioning of warcrimes" has already started. Of course, they'll be packed into a stadium for next week's game between the Northern Territory Rebels and the Gennosa War Criminals! Triple points to whoever nails em!

A plane from the Samston Genocidals fires the winning missile

The Imperial American PATRIOT Act passes unanimously

WASHINGTON --- Folks, today is a great day for law and order in our beleaguered Imperial States of America! Following last week's riots at the hands of riled up political factions, as well as recent attacks by rebel forces and a growing crime wave, the Emperor signed the Imperial American PATRIOT Act after it was unanimously passed by the Military-Conglomerate Chamber. Reports that the Act only passed thanks to intimidation by the Emperor are fake news!


The Act takes a number of precautionary measures to protect our freedoms and liberties. Following its passage, the "right" to protest military actions has been rendered null and void. The "right" to demean the Emperor or the Imperial Family in any way, for any reason, is rendered null and void. The "right" for more than a dozen people to muster on public property without a permit is rendered null and void. The "right" to practice hate speech against the military, law enforcement, or veterans is null and void. The "right" to bear unregistered firearms will be null and void. The writ of habeas corpus is suspended indefinitely.

Although fake news spread by anarchist aggressor-traitors and foreign outlets will claim that the Imperial American PATRIOT Act suspends "basic liberties," this isn't true! We're preserving your freedom, and our Way of Life! Report any opponents of the Act to the Inquisition immediately! Report any violations of the Act immediately! God Bless the Emperor, and God Bless the Imperial States of America, a Nation Reborn!

Caroline and Melissa Miller rescued from rebels

NEW IMPERIAL CITY --- After a harrowing 72 hours, Imperial citizens Caroline and Melissa Miller have been rescued from the dastardly rebels who would destroy our Holy Empire! Our brave boys in uniform rescued the mother-daughter pair with maximum collateral damage, to the joy of millions of our citizens! The Emperor personally welcomed the two home, and promised to eradicate the rebel menace once and for all! We here at the New Imperial Times are confident that our Holy Protector will do what needs to be done! GOD BLESS THE EMPEROR! GOD BLESS THE EMPIRE!

The Emperor announces the Millers' safe return

For more awesome news stories like these, check out the Polar Picayune newswire, available only on the AO forum.
Last edited by Lois-Must-Die on Mon Dec 10, 2018 3:53 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Polar Picayune - news from the Antarctic Oasis region


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