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NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.

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Jutsa
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Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#940: The Court of the Crimson Lord [Altmer Dominion; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
One of @@NAMES@@’s highest-ranking nobles, Lord Giles, has been criticized for the draconian management of his estate. After the ninth execution of a serf was reported within a month, you have traveled to Giles’ court to discuss the matter personally.

The Debate
1. “You’re just in time for the entertainment!” booms Lord Giles, flashing you a toothy grin. “Pay no mind to any outcries, @@LEADER@@. The lower folk must know their place; we can’t give the wretches any leeway, can we? Now, do stick around. We’ve got a wonderful choir performing soon, made up of some of the little ‘uns from a nearby village. You wouldn’t believe what the threat of punishing their parents does to their music: heavenly sounds! I swear, @@NAME@@ could learn a thing or two.”

2. Lady Giles, clothed all in black, observes another execution from afar. “That one made some disparaging remarks about us in a tavern,” she notes flatly, sighing. “Truth be told, this has all gotten so boring. The event’s over too quick, not to mention that people can’t learn their lesson when they’re dead. Active rehabilitation of these peasants - by which I mean frequent beatings - would be so much more efficient for the estate’s funds... and provide us with such lively entertainment.”

3. The keeper of the estate’s keys, @@RANDOMNAME@@, pulls you aside. “None of us can take much more of this,” he whispers. “Any one of the estate servants, not to mention the regular villagers, could be targeted next. If the threat of retribution wasn’t so ominous, I’d have locked them out of the house long ago. This is not normal. This is not right. On my life, I beg of you to close the shutters on this charade and remove these two tyrants from their positions of power.”

4. “Why are local nobles in charge of executions, anyway?” interjects the court gardener, while planting an evergreen. “If we allow the nobility to maintain near-absolute power, it would only be a matter of time before they abuse their power in some other way. This overgrowth of corruption by our feudal lords must be uprooted and burned like a pernicious weed! If the national government takes back its shears of judicial power, the other nobles will think twice before setting themselves up to be pruned.”

5. A yellow-robed jester approaches you, displaying gaudily-designed finger puppets on his right hand. Oddly enough, you notice the puppets bear a strong resemblance to a number of powerful @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ nobles. After a moment, the jester brings out his left hand, revealing more finger puppets that are dressed in rags and carry pitchforks and torches. Without saying a word, he pantomimes a fight between the two groups in which the peasants beat the nobles into submission and chase them away. Winking at you, he blends back into the crowd.

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#941: Scents and Sensibility [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
More and more people have been developing allergies — some severe — to especially potent scents. Allergy specialists and sufferers alike are asking you to stick your nose into this business.

The Debate
1. “Everyone knows that we cannot bear these malodorous assaults on our senses!” protests nasally-sensitive allergy specialist Rosemary Thyme between sneezes. “I am persistently surrounded by people who drown themselves in Eternity Is a Long Time or Channel Number 5: A Newswoman’s Perfume. Who knows what these allergic reactions are costing the economy due to lost productivity? Ban the sale of these products!”

2. “While Rosie has the right idea, an outright ban is only one part of the equation,” gasps Lavender O’Dor, choking due to your fragrant aroma. “You need enforcement officers to make sure people are in full compliance with any perfume ban, which should also include body lotions, deodorants, the lot! My sanity depends on this!”

3. “You want to tell me what I can and cannot wear when it comes to my personal grooming?” snorts neighbourhood narcissist Imma Mirorslav. “That idea stinks. Darling, listen, I have certain standards to uphold, and my collection of 250 perfumes are a vital part of who I am! If these nosy persons cannot stand being around my exquisite self, perhaps they should all hold their noses instead.”

4. “While I empathize completely with the plight of these people, there surely has to be a sensible solution to this,” coos fragrance magnate Calvin Colon, who nonchalantly slips a few samples of his latest scents into your pocket. “I smell an opportunity here for fairness: just legislate that every workplace should have sections for those who want to adorn their beautiful bodies with my creations, and for those who prefer… natural scents.” He wrinkles his nose disdainfully.

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#942: A Foreign Exchange of Ideas [Benetania; ed: Caracasus]

The Issue
As @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ universities are gaining recognition on the world stage, the country's citizens have mixed feelings about the influx of international students trying to enroll.

The Debate
1. "Having a geographically diverse student body is crucial for expanding our young people's minds and molding them into global citizens," pontificates bespectacled Dean @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ of @@CAPITAL@@ University, idly spinning a globe in his office. "Our classrooms must represent the world's population, and that is best achieved by setting aside a percentage of all university places for foreign students. Just think of the prestige! Er... I mean, the perspectives!"

2. "@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ universities are for @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ kids; it's that simple," shrugs concerned citizen @@RANDOMNAME@@ in between open-mouthed chewing of a sandwich in the university cafeteria. "It's hard enough for brilliant students like my daughter to get into a school as good as this without facing competition from the rest of the dang world. Besides, those Bigtopian students don't look too happy to be here anyway, do they?"

3. @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ 'Kegmeister' @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, a student known for his stunning grin and perfectly coiffed hair, bursts in. "Did I hear you talking about those bodacious foreign babes? My friends and I would totally help welcome these lovely international students to @@NAME@@... as long as they're total babes. Hey, there's an idea! Why don't we let foreign students in to study, but only if they're hot enough to pass the Kegmeister's test?"

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#943: Big Love, Big Problems? [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
A call for help triggered a raid at the remote ‘Seeking Glory Compound’, the base of the polygamist Fundamentalist Brotherhood, which is said to be a cult by many. As a manhunt was launched for the group’s elusive leadership, a search of the compound uncovered evidence that the group has been performing forced polygamous weddings for some time.

The Debate
1. “This is the true face of polygamy,” declares Ann Eliza @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, a former member of the Brotherhood turned vocal anti-polygamy activist, brandishing a photograph of herself with a bushy-bearded man and eighteen other pastel-clad women. “Women raised like veal: no reading books, no childhood toys, not even any coloured chalk in the schoolroom. They are brainwashed into believing they need to grow up to marry the old geezer with halitosis to gain ‘eternal glory’. Just f... forget these plygs’ rights; what about their children’s freedom? Ban polygamy, and prosecute whenever the law is violated!”

2. “This so-called ‘evidence’ was probably planted by our enemies. But let’s just suppose it’s true,” growls self-named Brotherhood spokesman, diminutive sexagenarian Dick ‘Big Richard’ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, who is surrounded by his nine dead-eyed wives. “How can anything begat in Truth be a crime? ‘Cos, I gotta tell ya, if our wholesome lifestyle - received when Prophet Hezekiah Obadiah Zachariah @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ was visited by the Angel Cletus - can be persecuted, soon every religion will be illegal. You won’t even be allowed to send Maxxmas cards. Rather than waste money persecuting goodly people, why not support holy men? Raising ninety-eight kids ain’t cheap.”

3. “This man does not represent us,” insists @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, the founder of pro-polygamy pressure group Real Love is Infinite. “It’s plain prejudicial to group us independents and the multilateral marriages of Church of Pizza fundamentalists with Brotherhood scum. While we commit no crime, let us love and marry whoever we want, regardless of sexual orientation or the number of spouses. While we’re at it, let’s use media and outreach to teach @@NAME@@ about polygamy’s benefits: the friendship found only among sister-wives, the benefits of two husbands, and that the good men are never taken. The only worry is that everyone will want to marry the same great guy. But there’s lots of me to go ‘round.”

4. “As long as Timmy and Tammy from @@ANIMAL@@ County may say ‘I do’,” states your Minister of Parity and Biscuits, passing custard creams to your guests, “Mr. and Mrs. and Mrs. @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ must be allowed to abide by the same laws. But we must stamp out the horror of forced marriage. Let there be new restrictions, applied to each couple... trio... whatever. We’ll really raise the minimum marriageable age so everyone can know their own minds, have mandatory health checks to prevent consanguinity, and ensure all citizens pass a lie detector test wherein they plainly swear they are marrying of their own free will and choice. Simple.”

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#944: Deadly Persuasion [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Groups of Violetist militants are successfully using social media — including MyFace, WhoTube, and Twitcher — to recruit young Violetists to their cause. The materials they put out are compelling, professional, and available in multiple languages. Your ministers huddle around as you browse on your computer.

The Debate
1. “The interwebs and socialist media are to blame,” groans your elderly Minister of War. “They shouldn’t be allowing terrorists to thrive on their services. Force those tech companies to ban Violetist zealots from using their sites. Delete their accounts and block them from the net.”

2. “These companies have a lot of information on these radical Violetists: location, search history, passwords, and more,” effuses your Minister of Internal Security. “They should aid our country in combating the militants by sharing all their user information with us. We’ll use the data well.” The minister tries to hold back laughter.

3. A video chat window opens up, revealing the melancholic visage of MyFace CEO Marcus Sugarmountain. “As a private company, we have the right to determine how our services are used. Why not think of this situation differently? Most people who join these radical groups are disaffected Violetist youths who are unhappy in @@NAME@@. Try to empathize with them and understand their culture, and they’ll assimilate in no time.”

4. “Young Violetists are not driven to fight because they’re bullied,” pontificates your Minister of Secularism, inserting sacred texts into a shredder. “They actually join the militants because they hold strong religious beliefs. I recommend that all Violetists be kept in mental institutions until they are cured. Do the same for all other religious nuts, and this problem will be gone.”

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#945: Police on the Take [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
At present, it is official policy to ban the general population from having cars, but to allow the police to do so. This has placed unexpected stresses on police departments, as they often find themselves using their vehicles to ferry sick and injured citizens during emergency situations.

The Debate
1. "Our cars are not meant for these purposes!" complains senior police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ attempts to stop a pregnant woman in the early stages of labour from entering the back of @@HIS@@ vehicle. "Ordinary citizens and medical personnel have been pestering us continuously! I've been wasting more time sending kids to school than I have spent pursuing hardened criminals and serial jaywalkers. It should be a criminal offence to bother the police with such unnecessary requests."

2. "We wouldn't have to bother the police if you made a few reasonable exclusions to the car ban," objects @@RANDOMNAME@@, a perfectly healthy individual, who has been trying to convince the officer to transport @@HIS@@ groceries for @@HIM@@. "Emergency services should have ambulances and fire engines. Also doctors, delivery drivers, postal workers, tradesmen, builders and the like should be able to have vehicles. Oh, and commuters, people with children, people who have widespread social engagements, leisure drivers. Just make a few exceptions to the ban, and it'll all be fine!"

3. "While I understand their concerns, allowing citizens to have cars is a bit too much," comments @@RANDOMNAME@@, a paramedic, who is stretchering a patient to a police car. "It's true that many civilians are wasting police time, but they have a good reason to do so. Public transport still doesn't have sufficient capacity to cater to the population, so citizens resort to asking the police for help. If we dedicated more of the state budget to developing railways, trams, monorails and so on, as well as allocated specific train lines to other emergency services, I'm certain that this issue would be resolved."

4. "I've had just about enough of this," coldly states @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Minister of Environmental Oversight, carefully measuring the respiratory carbon dioxide emissions of the previous speakers. "Our cities are beginning to adapt to functioning without roads, and to maintain our remaining ones just for a bunch of entitled civil servants is a waste of money. We should just extend the ban on cars to all @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ and save ourselves a pile of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@."

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#946: Better In Than Out [Baggieland; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
Your Justice Minister has raised a stink about public flatulence, and is proposing a new law to ban it.

The Debate
1. “We need to promote public decency!” demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Justice Minister. “Any person who vitiates the atmosphere in any place, to make it obnoxious to the public or to harm the well-being of people in surrounding areas, shall be guilty of a misdemeanour offence and shall be sentenced to a term of community service. If you need to pass wind, just go to a toilet.”

2. “This is insane,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Solicitor General, discreetly shifting in @@HIS@@ chair. “How any reasonable or sensible person could think that criminalizing flatulence in public would be a good idea is beyond me. We are a civilized nation. Just make sure that every one is taught to do it as discreetly as possible when they need to. Simply raise your right buttock ever so slightly and let it out gently, ideally without bringing any attention to yourself.”

3. @@RANDOMNAME@@, who was recently banned from the Council Groves subway for farting too much, has @@HIS@@ say and smell. “Hey! @@LEADER@@, pull my finger!” Even though you don’t comply, @@HE@@ still lets forth a thunderous, horrible noise that fills the room with a titanic stench. “Oh my god, did I just squash a frog? That one wasn’t too bad; it’s the silent but deadly ones that get you! Everyone knows that letting them rip is good for your health — better out than in, right? We should let everyone know it’s okay to sound off, maybe even subsidize some kind of ‘Wind Festival’. Smells like a good time to me!”

4. “Wait, did someone say gas?” asks your Energy Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@, while holding her nose. “We should distribute methane capture devices and make it compulsory for every citizen to... uh... plug one in. We could then capture this natural resource, and reduce our dependence on fossil fuels!”

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#947: Imitation Station [Nation NameDotDotDot; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
While chauffeuring you to work this morning, your driver notified you of a recent spike in motorized vehicle accidents. He says that the cause is several distracting radio advertisements - one ironically telling drivers to "buckle up". These ads include sounds of screams, screeching tyres, honking horns, and police sirens, causing confusion for drivers on the road.

The Debate
1. "You can't simply restrict our right as businesses to use a simple sound!" complains CEO of Adz4U Inc. Eobard Howell, while a vuvuzela quartet play a selection of tunes in the background. "These noises help us draw in our audience's attention, and get them to listen better. Plus, if a few commuters get into fender benders then that's good for auto-repair businesses, right?"

2. "If you let them use these sounds, millions will die!" screams histrionic commuter @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Okay, I admit, I can't provide evidence for that. But this is definitely a public safety concern, and it's common sense that there'll be deaths on the road from this. And surely, safety is your number one priority, right? Adverts should be screened for distracting noises."

3. "Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's slow down here, people," says grumpy middle-aged @@MAN_1@@ @@RANDOMNAME_1@@. "There is an incredibly easy solution here, and that's just to not allow radios or any other audio systems in cars. Think about it! No more young drivers 'sharing' the latest chart tunes at full volume as they drive through town centres, no more screaming toddlers demanding that nursery rhymes are on endless loop on long car journeys and no more sad songs making you want to take a hard left into oblivion when you're driving along the clifftop. Wait, is that one just me?"

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#948: 1x, 2x, 3x, A Lady [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Globally, the fields of engineering, technology and science have historically seen women significantly under-represented. Independent magazine Women’s Problems Monthly has engaged in a root cause analysis to investigate, noting that a major contributor to this is girls losing interest in mathematics at school, with a knock-on reduction in applications for maths-related degree courses.

The Debate
1. “There’s a cultural poison at the root of this where boys and girls get assigned toys, magazines and hobbies according to arbitrary societal expectations of gender roles,” complains ardent replica sword collector @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. “Boys get chemistry kits and toy robots. Girls get baby dolls and make-up sets. Is it any wonder they think mathematics and science aren’t meant for them? We must legislate to regulate in retail, advertising, parenting and primary education!”

2. “Leave our kids alone! Boys and girls are different; it’s just opportunity that needs to be made more equal,” declares tiara-wearing nuclear physicist @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, clutching her pink unicorn pencil case protectively. “It’s in higher education and the workplace that the self-perpetuating old boys’ club mentality exists. You should set a reasonable quota for education and employment, to ensure neither gender represents more than 70% of intake.”

*3. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a venture capitalist renowned for her cut-throat business style, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and financial success, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, @@LEADER@@; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.” [Must have private industry]

*4. “Women’s talent exists, it’s just that SOME useless girls won’t go out and take the opportunities that are already there,” declares @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a State Director renowned for her cut-throat career ambitiousness, as she breaks wind loudly and scratches at her unshaved armpits. “Too many teenage ‘princesses’ think that it is unfeminine to be ambitious. If they prefer to associate self-worth with personal grooming and fashion rather than intellect and advancement in the Party hierarchy, then they deserve what they get. Don’t patronise an entire gender, @@LEADER@@; just let individuals rise and fall according to their own merits.” [Must not have private industry]

5. “Uh... I don’t really like to be the token male voice here,” whispers token male voice Desmond Kennedy, “but the reason I got into maths was the same reason I got into wargames, model trains and chess club. I’d rather do guy things with guys! Can’t you instead encourage this positive trend? Give student grants to men who study male courses, like maths and engineering. You can give grants to women for female subjects, like knitting, drama and so on. That’d be equal, right?”

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#949: Jailhouses Rocked! [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A controversial concert at the nation's largest penitentiary headlined by guitarist Ronnie @@CURRENCY@@ went awry after he began playing his newest song, '@@CAPITAL@@ Prison Blues'. Buoyed by the anti-establishment message, the inmates became increasingly rowdy, resulting in a massive cell block riot. Inmates across the country have followed suit, with nationwide prison riots plunging the system into chaos.

The Debate
1. "@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ prison guards need immediate support!" gasps @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Department of Corrections. "We're being completely overrun! There's no way we can contain these riots with our current personnel numbers! I don't care if you need to take police off the streets: if something isn't done, we're going to have multiple prison breaks on our hands!"

*2. "That won't be enough!" booms General @@RANDOMNAME@@, entering your office with a firing squad behind @@HIM@@. "We can't afford to hold back. At this point, these inmates should be considered enemy combatants... and will be dealt with extreme prejudice. Soldiers are waiting at the ready. Just give the order. In fact, we ought to keep this practice in place once the situation has been dealt with." [Must not have capital punishment]

*3. “That won’t be enough!” booms General @@RANDOMNAME@@, entering your office with a firing squad behind @@HIM@@. “We can’t afford to hold back. At this point, these inmates should be considered enemy combatants… and will be dealt with extreme prejudice. Soldiers are waiting at the ready. Just give the order.” [Must have capital punishment]

[4]. "My engineers have you covered," confidently advertises @@RANDOMNAME@@, founder of the start-up tech firm Optical Experiments. "The nation's correctional facilities are long overdue for an upgrade. With proper surveillance, automated sentries, high-grade lasers, et cetera, that pesky human factor will be swiftly eliminated. In more ways than one, of course." [Must have substantial scientific advancement and/or information technology] [???]

5. "A non-violent solution is still perfectly attainable," beams @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of a parental watchdog group. "If that detestable musician had never thought to poke the @@ANIMAL@@'s nest, none of these riots would have occurred in the first place. That type of music is too much trouble for its own good, wouldn't you agree? If their inspiration is removed, inmate riots will naturally lose motivation."

6. "Perhaps y'all should have listened to the concerns of these inmates," sarcastically ponders Ronnie @@CURRENCY@@, having been taken in for questioning. "That prison was a powder keg. Something was gonna to happen. I just happened to be the spark. It's never too late to make a difference. Sit down with both sides, and shut up and listen. Let these inmates' voices be heard and let them control the conversation for a change."

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#950: Borderline Pandemic [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A mysterious new illness has broken out in a bordering nation. Reports claim it is highly contagious and incredibly lethal. Unfortunately, there is no known cure or vaccine for the disease at the moment, and the head of Border Control is considering restricting the entry of that nation’s citizens into @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. “Papers, please!” shouts the beleaguered head of Border Control Ezic Arstotzka while examining a stack of entry documents. “That nation is guilty of very lax medical checks and borders that may as well be nonexistent. They might unknowingly send some people infected with this bizarre ailment to us. In order to reduce my worklo-, I mean, reduce the chance of transmission of this dangerous disease, we have no choice but to unconditionally reject all of their people. I’m sure that @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have taken all the necessary precautions, so we won’t have any problems allowing our citizens back home. Next!”

2. “How rude!” gasps @@RANDOMNAME@@, the rather pale ambassador of the afflicted nation. “Firstly, we shall not tolerate any negativity whatsoever toward our proud governmental institutions. Secondly, we most assuredly have everything under control, so there’s really nothing to worry about. Thirdly, rejecting every single one of our citizens just because a few thousand of us have a slightly worse cold is honestly quite ridiculous. Last but not least-” Her verbal tirade is suddenly cut short as she doubles over from a severe coughing fit that also coats the floor in what seems to be blood.

3. “Let’s not be too hasty about this,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Minister of Health, as the ambassador is dragged out of the room. “Why don’t we screen every visitor with an immunoglobulin blood test, and only admit those who test as being clear of the disease? That way, we can prevent them from bringing their sickness into @@NAME@@. Better to be safe than sorry.”

4. “Our citizens are in danger!” screeches @@RANDOMNAME@@, the absurdly paranoid Defence Secretary, speaking to you through a hazmat suit. “We must insist that all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ return home at once! Those that don’t are probably already infected and should be left for dead. All of those strange foreign countries with their strange diseases are an existential threat, so we must therefore shut our borders down permanently to save ourselves. Do it now! Do it before it’s too late!”

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#951: The Wrath of the Fish King [Palos Heights; ed: Ransium]

The Issue
To your horror, you woke up this morning with a thousand anchovy heads in your bed and a note from the insidious terrorist group called "The Cult of the Dammed". Citing lack of support for the fishing industry from the government, they are threatening to eradicate the wild @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ fish populations if their demands are not met.

The Debate
1. Communicating via telecom to your office is the spokesperson for the Cult of the Dammed, Kelly Tizad, holding a sinister-looking frozen vial. "On behalf of our leader, the Fish King, we demand a total repeal of all fishing industry regulations and for the government of @@NAME@@ to relinquish control of all waterways to the Cult of the Dammed and our approved fisheries! Anything less than this and we will release a genetically engineered virus that shall see the end of aquatic biodiversity as you know it!"

2. Up-and-coming military officer Captain Arthur Menthol immediately disconnects the monitor. "We do not negotiate with terrorists! Their boats will make excellent aquatic habitat, I say! Give me a few navy cruisers to seek out the boats of these terrorists. We will have them sleeping with the fishes and end this threat."

3. "Have you lost your mind, Arthur?" retorts your Minister of Lightly-Fried Fish Fillets Gunther Knight. "How can we even consider such wanton slaughter? Genetically engineered viruses sound like the stuff of science fiction anyway; these terrorists are probably bluffing. Just in case, we could always keep a few of every species of fish found in Milostein breeding in captivity. That way, if they do follow through on their threat we can always restock our rivers and lakes."

4. "That gives me an idea," ponders fishing mogul Gordon Silver. "Those cultists want to ruin our environment and tourism by killing our fish, so let's completely deny them the opportunity! Let's take all of the fish in the lakes and streams and put them in tiny fish apartments! In fact, we can charge people an admission fee to see our fish and frame it as a tourist experience!"

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#952: Why the Long Face? [Saidoria; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Records, legs, and necks were broken last weekend at the annual Magic Billions horse race after sixteen horses died due to injuries. Animal rights activists have called for the sport to be banned.

The Debate
1. “How would you like to be pumped full of drugs and made to run against your will?” whinnies activist Nomfundo Nxumalo, who gallops about you. “Horsies are innocent and defenseless, and you’re killing them for your own amusement! Say ‘neigh’ to horse racing and close down these gulags, and for the sake of our consciences, let’s subsidize animal shelters and veterinarian clinics!”

2. “Get off your moral high horse,” jeers a bookmaker, sipping her mint julep. “Horse racing is the lifeblood of @@NAME@@, so we should be building more tracks and breeding more horses! The animals may get injured, but their mistreatment is overblown. Many people flock here to place their bets and give us money because of our lucrative racecourses. Why stop? Let’s keep ‘em running!”

3. “So much cruel and useless death,” brays Professor Ungar, clutching a captive bolt gun. “Scientific advancement is more crucial than animal rights or gambling, and horses have a purpose to serve. Out of compassion, ban horse racing and let kind scientists like me take care of the thoroughbreds. I will treat them humanely in my experiments. We’ll find cures for diseases, and horses and humans will never suffer needlessly again!”

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#953: The Ethnic Minority Report [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Caracasus]

The Issue
The National Office of Predictive Crime Patterns (Pre-Crime, for short) has been running analyses of murder, theft and other serious crimes in @@NAME@@, and has compiled a report noting that certain demographic groups - most notably young Bigtopian men - are up to twenty times more likely to commit crimes than the national average. As your security staff caught a Bigtopian intern trying to set fire to the report in your wastepaper basket, it may perhaps be time for action.

The Debate
1. “This is about efficient policing and prevention over punishment,” suggests slick-suited Pre-Crime Operations Chief @@RANDOMNAME@@, glancing at you suspiciously as he looks up from a print-out of your family tree. “Let’s focus existing surveillance resources on high-risk communities, maybe perform the odd stop-and-search, and carry out the occasional preventative intervention. I can guarantee you lower crime rates with no increase in police spending. That’s a good deal, and my analysts say you are 93.54% likely to take us up on it.”

2. “That is the voice of unfounded institutional racism,” says Bigtopian ex-gang member turned youth outreach worker @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving a ball point pen at you in what seems to be an overly threatening manner. “Human beings are equal, and all should be treated equally by the law, with no individual or group singled out by the state. Why should we face police oppression just because of your prejudices?”

3. “In my opinion, @@NAME@@ is under siege from ne’er-do-wells, and in a siege situation extreme measures are needed,” offers respected headmistress @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ McGonegirl. “These Slyth... er... I mean Bigtopians have proven themselves to be untrustworthy. We should make sure that they keep to their areas of @@DEMONYM@@ towns and cities, and only allow them back into civilised society after appropriate screening.”

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#954: Varsity Blues [Carrasastova; Zwangzug]

The Issue
After a group of colleges announced their intentions to establish student athletic programs and a fully-operating league, @@NAME@@ has been swept up in a wave of pep rallies and vigorous debate.

The Debate
1. “This gets an A from me,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, self-proclaimed President of the @@NAME@@ College Athletics Association, while admiring some practicing footballers. “Allowing students to exercise their body as well as their mind prepares them for a fit and healthy life and makes them much more attractive candidates when seeking a job. After all, who wouldn’t want to draft a fit and muscular student?”

2. “We’re not here to ogle over a bunch of dumb jocks,” flatly states @@RANDOMNAME@@, an undergraduate studying for a degree in public speaking. “This is merely a waste of money that would be much better spent on expanding libraries and academic facilities for all students. Why should we fritter away money on funding athletic programs when students can just as well achieve the same goals of exercise on their own? We must make sure that this trend is stopped dead in its tracks.”

3. “I say, old sport, these fellows do have interesting proposals, but I have a much better idea!” proclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, who waves around a fencing sword for dramatic effect. “We should leave money and professionalization out of all matters regarding sport. The very ideal of athletics is to play for the passion and romance of the game, not for petty paychecks or incentives.” @@HE@@ adds a flourish that forces you to duck out of the way of the sword.

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#955: Can It! [Vincere Terrae; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Mass-produced microwavable meals have become increasingly popular due to their convenience and low cost. However, the Skandilundian research group Meals for Sustenance and Gastronomy has warned that the dietary imbalance found in the nation's microwavable meals may be leaving @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ at risk of malnutrition.

The Debate
*1. “This is truly embarrassing!” states physician Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, massaging @@HIS@@ temples. “We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce.” @@HE@@ swats the bowl of Ma Nature’s Truly Triglyceride Macaroni and Cheese out of your hands. [Must have private industry]

*2. "This is truly embarrassing!" states physician Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, massaging @@HIS@@ temples. "We have become so reliant on these low-quality packaged meals that we have lost all perception of what good nutrition is! I suggest that we abolish fast food restaurants and these dreadful poor-quality ready-meals. Instead, we should encourage @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ to enjoy cooking their own wholesome food with fresh produce." @@HE@@ swats the bowl of Comrade @@LEADER@@'s Utilitarian Instant Noodles out of your hands. [Must not have private industry]

3. "Our problem is that the nation has lost any sense of fine ingredients!" declares chef @@RANDOMNAME@@, manager of @@CAPITAL@@'s finest eatery The Gilded @@CURRENCY@@. "There's no need to ban the commercial food industry. You should merely ensure that manufacturers and chefs use better-quality ingredients. Once they have tasted food that's not filled with monosodium glutamate and E-numbers, they will be lining up at the door to taste all the fine cuisine @@NAME@@ has to offer. Such as the delights offered by my restaurant." @@HE@@ places a freshly-cooked deep-dish pizza in front of you.

**4. Sniffing the air, a @@MAN_1@@ wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled macaroni. “You gonna eat that?” @@HE@@ devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. “I really don’t see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they’re quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Ma Nature or Yums for Tums, all microwavable meals are just so great! Why don’t we ban all other food production, and make @@NAME@@ the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!” [Must have private industry]

**5. Sniffing the air, a @@MAN_1@@ wanders into your dining room and picks up your spilled noodles. "You gonna eat that?" @@HE@@ devours the soggy pasta with a satisfied sigh. "I really don't see the problem with processed meals. Firstly, they are the most delicious thing ever. Also, they're quick and easy to make, and cheap to buy. In fact, why do we need any other food? Whether you buy Comrade @@LEADER@@'s Practical Porridge or Comrade @@LEADER@@'s Anti-Capitalist Carbonara, all our microwavable meals are just so great! Why don't we ban all other food production, and make @@NAME@@ the world capital for microwavable cuisine? It would be ravioli heaven!" [Must not have private industry]

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#956: The Bottom of the Gun Barrel [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
It’s harvest season and farms all over @@NAME@@ are starved of manpower. A sizeable proportion of able-bodied young adults have been conscripted into the army, leaving the agricultural sector unable to find enough temporary workers to pick fruit or work the fields.

The Debate
1. “We only have half a dozen employees to work four times that many acres,” moans @@RANDOMNAME@@, a citrus orchard manager, “and three of them don’t even know how to operate basic machinery. If you could exempt people who have experience working on farms from the draft, our sector will be saved. Remember, an army marches on its stomach, so supporting us will help the military as well.”

2. “That’s not enough!” exclaims economist @@RANDOMNAME@@, marching into your office. “The military consumes resources but produces nothing. As you can see, it’s already causing detriment to productivity, and continuing to support it will eventually result in our entire economic infrastructure collapsing. I insist that you scrap conscription laws before our economy withers and dies!”

3. “Insubordination!” yells General @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, waving a fist in the air in agitation. “How can you suggest that we leave our borders defenceless? There is another available source of manpower that has been overlooked - the disabled and elderly can be made to work. The agricultural sector can put to rest any accusations of ableism or ageism, and we get to maintain our army size.”

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#957: Putrid Predicament [Singapore no2; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A sudden rise in the popularity of stinky foods has hit @@NAME@@. Increasing numbers of commuters are ferrying the offensive foodstuffs on public transport, clogging vehicles in an unpleasant stench and repulsing fellow riders.

The Debate
1. “They smell absolutely, utterly vile, @@LEADER@@!” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a regular commuter. “That bloody overpowering stench of stinky foods like that of durians can persist for several days, rendering enclosed spaces like trains or buses a horrible nightmare for commuters such as myself. You should prohibit all foul foods from being brought onto public transport, and spare our noses from this malodorous, agonizing assault.”

2. “We haven’t even mentioned the danger that they pose!” adds the obsessive Minister of Public Safety, passing you an informative pamphlet on food safety. “Other putrid foods like mature bries can harbor mold that act as vectors for food-borne diseases, and durians have hazardously sharp spikes that can cause serious injuries. They pose major health risks towards our people that we cannot overlook! In order to prevent a public health disaster, we must banish every single one of these foodstuffs from our nation.”

3. “This is simply unbelievable!” rages obscure food connoisseur @@RANDOMNAME@@, while handing out fermented tofu. “I’ll have you know that these redolent foods are a gift from the gods, and dismissing any of them because of their unique aromas is simply childish. Why should the gastronomic cognoscenti be denied such delectable delicacies due to a few overly sensitive neurotics? In fact, I think it is imperative you promote these foods as national dishes and have them served during state dinners.”

4. “I believe that the ‘joys’ of stinky foods would be better appreciated on the battlefield,” mutters @@RANDOMNAME@@, the army’s Head Researcher, as @@HE@@ cracks open the husk of a durian with a sinister grin on @@HIS@@ face. “It is clear that their potent stenches are simply unparalleled in their power. If we were to extract, intensify, and mass produce each of the repulsive chemical compounds in the foodstuffs that cause this, then we would be able to employ them as chemical weapons against our adversaries! Nobody would stand in our way once we let them rip!”

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#958: Pay No Attention to That Donor Behind the Curtain! [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
After several Party MPs and Cabinet Ministers refused to disclose their donor lists, an anonymous government source released the lists on the internet. To nobody’s surprise, the donors included several high society elites and foreign officials.

The Debate
1. “The fact that it took a leak to get this information out to the public is shameful in itself,” states corruption watchdog @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Politicians shouldn’t get to hide who is financing them. We the people deserve to know who’s filling the pockets of our politicians, especially during elections. That way we can see who’s really pulling the strings of our politicians! We, the people, demand full transparency from our elected officials.”

2. “What about my right to privacy?” replies a woman wearing a fake mustache who looks suspiciously like the Supreme Leader of Blackacre. “Ever since those donor lists were released, I’ve been harassed to the point that I’ve had to change my Twitcher handle! There’s a reason why these lists are kept secret. Please, @@LEADER@@, I implore you to protect the identities of all political donors.”

3. “Imagine how much less corruption there’d be if we simply regulated political donations,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, a political science professor. “Money tends to corrupt, and absolute money corrupts absolutely. If we only allowed small donations of less than one hundred @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ from private @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizens, we’d have politicians who are beholden to the people, not the bigwigs.”

4. “I think the real problem here is how this ‘source’ was able to get this information,” comments your Public Safety Minister, who frequently reminds you to change the password of your government accounts. “We’ve gone all digital these days. That makes it all too easy to drop terabytes of top secret information on WikiSpills, or walk out with military documents on a USB drive. It’s time we went back to paper records under lock and key to store confidential government information. The environmentalists might not like it, but I’d like to see a leaker walk out here with a big filing cabinet!”

5. “The problem isn’t how, but why and who,” rebuts @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Tightlips, your most loyal staffer. “We need to weed out any leakers and staffers who are disloyal to you. Monitor the communications of every government employee and have them sign loyalty pledges. The guilty party will have no choice but to confess!”

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#959: A-Major Debate [Candensia; ed: Ransium]

The Issue
One of your advisers was caught referring to music education as “non-essential curriculum”. @@HIS@@ comment has struck a chord, resulting in a chorus of suggestions for music education reform.

The Debate
1. “The notion that music programs are anything less than vital is nothing but treble- I mean trouble!” declares world-famous composer and local middle school orchestra director, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “This dissonant discourse not only puts the jobs of hard-working @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ at risk, but it also threatens the musical futures of our children! The school curriculum must include an emphasis on musical knowledge that all students will be required to participate in. Sure, strings do come attached — it won’t be cheap to buy musical instruments for every boy and girl in @@NAME@@ — but @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ musical tradition is on the line here!”

*2. “Now that’s just nonsense!” barks local high school basketball coach @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Students learn far more from any sport than they do from playing little magic flutes. Youth are only properly taught discipline, determination, and decision-making skills from the challenges of playing on a team. As far as I’m concerned we should just save ourselves some money and cut music ed from the curriculum. After all, band geeks’ only purpose is to put people on the sidelines to cheer us on.” [Sports are practiced in school]

*3. “All well and good,” states your Education Minister, whose favorite song is widely known to be mute, “but the fact of the matter is the education budget is going to be in the red next year. Would you prefer to cut funding for something useful, like math or language arts, or students banging on instruments and making loud noises?” [Sports are not practiced in school]

[4]. “Maybe the age of traditional music education is on a decrescendo,” states well-known sci-fi author @@RANDOMNAME@@. “However, music programs can be saved thanks to science! All that’s needed is a more... electronic approach. It’s clear that electronic instruments and music-mixing computer programs must replace their baroque counterparts. Just imagine this: instead of renting saxophones, students can do it all in the computer labs we already have!” [Computers are legal]

5. “That misses the point entirely,” yells famed Drill Sargeant Hardman, while jogging by with a platoon of soldiers belting out military cadences behind him. “The only reason why schools exist is to make loyal, productive citizens out of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ children. In this regard, music education has been taught entirely in the wrong key. The curriculum should be revised with the goal of accentuating patriotic values in mind! Students should be required to learn and sing the nation’s praises, including our national anthem!”
Last edited by Jutsa on Thu Apr 04, 2019 2:50 pm, edited 52 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#960: Nobody Does It Better? [Incremenia; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After two @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ agents operating in Blackacre were compromised and forced to flee the country, a private military corporation known as the Webber Group has approached you about taking over the nation’s intelligence-gathering activities.

The Debate
1. “@@LEADER@@, my operatives are perfect for this type of work,” declares Webber Group CEO @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, flanked by two burly bodyguards. “Many of them have received military training prior to joining our company, so they’re well versed in espionage, counter-intelligence, and assassina... um... proactive regime change strategies. If they’re caught, you can deny any knowledge of them. Together, we can revitalize the foreign intelligence apparatus of @@NAME@@... for a small fee, of course.”

2. “Are we really going to put the safety of our nation in the hands of this... thug?” questions secret agent James Bont while drinking a martini. “What the Webber Group fails to tell you is that many of their operatives were dishonorably discharged. They’re violent, averse to authority, and unpredictable. Not to mention they’re only loyal to a paycheck. @@LEADER@@, let me organize a training program for our less-experienced spies so they never get caught again.”

[3]. “Frankly, I don’t know why you need field agents at all,” says your nephew while slaughtering pixelated enemies on his phone. “A skilled hacker can get any information you want from any system. Just hire a few tech-savvy people to spy on foreign nations or whatever.” [Computers are legal AND Video games are legal]

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#961: No Two Ways About It [Singapore no2; ed:Pogaria]

The Issue
A shocking exposé by a rogue official in the Department of Immigration revealed that dozens of elected representatives hold dual citizenship, with many of them hailing from your party. Angry citizens are now questioning the loyalty of these politicians and are demanding that they resign.

The Debate
1. “This is a disaster!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Minister of Internal Affairs, turning pale as he sees the growing number of protestors gathering outside your office. “We must force every single official with dual citizenship to step down immediately; after all, we can’t be sure where their allegiances truly lie. Our integrity as a party will not survive this incident unscathed unless we send a strong message that dishonesty cannot be tolerated.”

2. “You call that sending a message?” raves xenophobe @@RANDOMNAME@@, the notorious author of @@LEADER@@ is a Secret Bigtopian Spy: The Truth Revealed. “Those filthy aliens managed to infiltrate the highest levels of our government, and are probably going to enforce radical Violetist law the instant they take over. The only way to save our nation is to strip these traitors of their @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizenship and send them back to whichever hellhole countries they’re working for. If you refuse... then I’ll finally have concrete proof that you really are a Bigtopian in disguise!”

3. “Can we just talk it out?” pleads the Secretary of the Treasury, who was outed as having Brancalandian citizenship. “There are perfectly legitimate reasons for politicians to have connections to more than one nation. For example, those of us who immigrated here should be able to visit relatives in the old homeland without having to fill out a mountain of paperwork. Plus, citizens of Brancaland get a free barrel of maple syrup every year! If you outlaw this, I’m holding you personally responsible for the sugar withdrawal.”

4. “There’s no need to change anything,” whispers your Minister of Spying, Subterfuge, and Baked Goods while showing you his latest exploding pie prototype. “You should let me handle this little problem. It appears that a pesky official within the Department of Immigration snitched on your friends. We’ll fabricate a charge to implicate that ingrate and squeeze a confession out of her to reduce her credibility. She’ll then be exiled somewhere while we modify the citizenship records of the implicated officials. Does that sound good to you? If so, I think we have time to demonstrate the weaponized muffins.”

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#962: A Matter of Loaf and Death [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Following a sale on gluten-free goods at the N’Ever Fresh chain of supermarkets, the shelves were stripped of all but a packet of gluten-free gravy granules and a slightly-stale baguette. The hungry coeliacs of @@NAME@@ claim these items were not bought by fellow gluten-intolerants, but by fad dieters.

The Debate
*1. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, the parent of a recently-diagnosed coeliac girl. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all her friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and have the NHS pick up the cost, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.” [Must have universal healthcare]

*2. “These selfish shoppers are taking the bread from the mouth of my starving child. Literally!” rants @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, the parent of a recently-diagnosed coeliac girl. “I mean, it just takes the cake! Not only does @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ have to suffer this lifelong condition – munching on cardboard-like gluten-free bread while all her friends chow down on pasta salads and soft loaves – but some airhead who thinks gluten-free is a lifestyle choice comes and strips the shelves. Not to mention that gluten-free stuff costs twice as much! You should limit these gluten-free products to diagnosed coeliacs, and issue government coupons to pay for these foods to legitimate customers, so parents can always put a whole meal on the table.” [Must not have universal healthcare]

3. “If this man had a grain of sense, he’d realise that these half-baked ideas would cripple the national budget,” asserts your Minister of Finance, hiding her gluten-free sliced white bread in a drawer. “If they can’t find or afford gluten-free breads and pastas, there are plenty of naturally gluten-free foods such as rice and potatoes that they can buy instead. Simply issue a few leaflets that doctors can hand out to their patients about cheap foods that are naturally gluten-free.”

4. “I think that’s a really crummy idea!” complains @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, author of the food sceptic’s handbook Inconsiderate ‘Intolerances’ and Awkward ‘Allergies’: Why Won’t the Whiners Simply Swallow Their Fare?. “We shouldn’t pander to these people. These so-called special diets have gone past a joke, what with restaurants offering ‘gluten-free’ and ‘dairy-free’ and ‘nut-free’ choices. And why? For some mewling, puking babies that use made-up diseases to get special attention, and for the Big Pharma companies that pay researchers to back up their claims and boost their own profits. I say we go against the grain and reject that these clearly-fabricated diseases even exist. Then, we’ll reap the benefits of plain old-fashioned common sense.”

**5. “Look, @@FIRSTNAME_1@@ is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, who regularly writes about her total abstention from wheat on her website Glazed. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of @@NAME@@ can benefit.” [Must have internet]

**6. “Look, @@FIRSTNAME_1@@ is a slice short of a loaf,” observes actress Gwendolyn @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, whose allergen-free cookbook - The Skinny Minnie Diet Plan - is due out next week. “It’s well-known that a gluten-free diet is an essential baseline for every person who wants to maintain maximum health, lose weight and be basically awesome. A gluten-free diet needn’t be boring. You can do so much: mung bean chilli, mung bean casserole, daal with mung beans in it. You should incentivise retailers so they switch to manufacturing only good gluten-free food, so that all of @@NAME@@ can benefit.” [Must not have internet]

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#963: The @@LEADER@@ Meme [Siarki; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
During a recent speech, a particularly embarrassing pose you struck became rather popular on the internet. The pose has spawned numerous parodies and humorous political commentary. A few of your bewildered advisers have asked you to address the so-called ‘@@LEADER@@ Meme’.

The Debate
1. “These images are ruining your image!” points out @@RANDOMNAME@@, an adviser from your Department of Redundancy Department. “They make you look like an incompetent and imprudent fool, especially in rival enemy nations. I heard Maxtopia is putting up posters and placards of these so-called ‘memes’ in their subways! What may seem like innocent, benign images could evolve into political action that will inspire protests and riots! You have to ban insulting images of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ politicians.”

2. “You can’t take away that freedom!” pleas @@RANDOMNAME@@, an adviser from your Department of Office Vending Machine Contents. “I mean, look at this one! It’s so funny! And this one here, they made it look like you’re holding a cat! I say keep them coming. People like a leader with a sense of humor. If you punish those who use free speech to peacefully protest, the backlash you’ll receive will be far worse than these pictures.”

3. “I agree. In fact, I think we can make an opportunity of this,” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, an adviser from your Department of Memetic Imagery, which you don’t recall having. “Some of these may be a bit insulting, sure, but some of them are lighthearted, or even beneficial. The one with you and a cat? It makes you look gentle and appreciative of animals. To better your image, we should masquerade as everyday citizens, and create and spread favorable memes ourselves.”

4. “Sometimes we make mistakes,” admits @@RANDOMNAME@@, an adviser from your Department of Political Choreography. “That’s why pencils have erasers. Like other fads, this ‘@@LEADER@@ Meme’ will die out; you just have to give it time. Meanwhile, you could benefit from practicing your stage performance for future speeches and appearances. Y’know, to prevent this from happening again.”

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#964: An Expensive Watch [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Sporting events have always drawn big crowds of passionate fans, but those same crowds can bring a temporary surge in crime. While extra policing can be assigned, questions have been raised over who should pay for this.

The Debate
1. “These are big-profit events for the corporations that run them, but they generate considerable externalities which must be paid for by taxpayers,” explains Police Assistant Accountancy Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, seeming excited to be at the centre of attention for once. “Let the profiteers pick up the extra cost, as guesstimated... I mean, carefully calculated by my department.”

2. “Excuse me? Since when have private companies been liable to fund public services?” retorts CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@, showing you an empty wallet to emphasise her point, though her gesture is diminished in impact by it being a ridiculously expensive crocodile-skin, diamond-studded designer piece. “If you cut into profits, you discourage free market enterprise, and if you do that, there’ll be less sporting entertainment. And you know what happens when a populace doesn’t get its sports? That’s right - they start thinking about politics, and criticising their social betters. Do you really want that to happen?”

3. “Oi oi, there’s no need for all this bovver,” grins die-hard fan Four Fingers @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, hiding a bloodied length of scaffolding pole behind his back. “So we like to let off a bit of steam before and after the match, and have a bit of a scrap. It’s all good fun, and nobody who don’t wants to be there has to be there if they don’t wants to be, right? So why not give the rozzers the day off, and let us sort ourselves out?”

[4]. “Sports fans are a nasty bunch, but you’ve got to admire their fighting spirit,” comments Colonel @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ with a wry smile. “Come wartime, we could use men of their calibre. Shut down all professional sports, and conscript the lot of them. All that pent-up energy can instead be directed to the national good.” [Must not have conscription]

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#965: Like a Bull in a Dàguó Shop [Singapore no2; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
While attending an art exhibition of pieces lent by Dàguó, your advisor accidentally knocked over an ancient Dàmíng dynasty vase, shattering it.

The Debate
1. “Harken, all! That vase was an irreplaceable treasure of great national importance, and to lose it is a severe blow to our cultural heritage and history,” proclaims the High Eunuch of the Dàguó Imperial Court, reading intently from a scroll. “Our virtuous and benevolent ruler shall extract a small sum of eight million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ in restitution. Denial of the Celestial Emperor’s wishes shall be repaid with severe sanctions for @@NAME@@.”

2. “I can’t... I mean, the treasury can’t afford that!” wails @@RANDOMNAME@@, the advisor in question, knocking over a priceless Moltovean ornament while entering your office. “Whoops! Did you forget that compensation of any sort is outlawed in @@NAME@@? There’s a good reason for that — if we had it, citizens and businesses alike would be at the mercy of greedy claimants, and nobody would dare sell anything due to the risk of having to pay damages. Instead of me paying for the vase, I suggest that we issue a state apology to Dàguó and simply hope for the best.”

3. TBD

4. “I have a better idea, one that won’t cost us a single @@CURRENCY@@!” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, the State Treasurer. “We could just decide who is right with a duel! The claimant and the person who supposedly caused the damage will fight to the death, and whoever survives gets the other person’s stuff as spoils and remuneration for wasting their time! In our scenario here, we’ll either get rid of that incompetent advisor or that snobbish emperor. A win-win for us all, except for the one that dies.”

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#966: As You Don't Like It [Altmer Dominion; ed: Wyethalania]

The Issue
Duke @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ of Lower @@CAPITAL@@-Upon-Tyne caused quite a stir this weekend after he had a traveling minstrel group chased out of town. While some fellow peers have accused him of being humorless, the Duke countered that the troupe was subverting his authority with their seditious acts.

The Debate
1. "That troupe's impromptu performance was scandalous," spits the irate Duke. "Caricaturing me as the villain in their little Scheherazade knock-off? The nerve of those performers! Do you think I let these thespian transients wander around my domain just to watch them humiliate our way of life? I've no obligation to provide charity to a bunch of disrespectful wretches. @@LEADER@@, forbid these flimflam singsongs and outlaw this sort of vagrancy before some smart-alecky troupe comes knocking at your door. We'll all be safer for it in the long-run."

2. "Have you no sense of perspective?" exclaims beaten and ragged minstrel @@RANDOMNAME@@, haphazardly waving a flute around. "Satire is essential for introspection! Don't be such a stuffed shirt. If you really want performers off the street, let us musicians be officially patronized by the government. Just assign a musical group to each noble family, and our melodious tunes will surely lighten the load on their noble shoulders."

3. "Isn't that what you employ oddfellows like me for?" grumbles grizzled jester Krusty @@ANIMAL@@, covered profusely in tomato stains. "Me and my mates, your musicians, clowns, acrobats, dancing poodle performers, you name it - we're smart enough not to bite the hand that feeds us. Construct a grand theatre for all to see and adore us, and we'll sing your praises loud enough to drown out the voices of petty satire."

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#967: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics [The Atlae Isles; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A dubious study in a dubious scientific magazine recently asserted that pizza is healthy, preventing heart disease, curing cancer and treating low libido. The scientific community rapidly discredited the study, but not before newspaper headlines had many @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ believing it.

The Debate
1. “This is a cheese-topped catastrophe! A doughy disaster!” moans paediatrician Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has spent all morning trying to convince mums not to put their kids on a pizza-only diet. “Science can’t move forward if its legitimacy is being undermined by bad studies! This Eckie-Cola Scientific Review is a sorry excuse for a publication, taking payment to publish any old trash, and masquerading as a serious journal! You must pass laws demanding stringency of peer review and reference-checking in academia.”

2. “You can’t stop bad science,” complains sociologist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “What you can do, however, is expect the media to check if studies are legitimate. Just fine news networks each time they broadcast misleading information or fail to check their scientific sources, and hold them legally accountable for the consequences of misinformation.”

3. “Mamma mia, I tell you this is the truth!” exclaims Professor Giuseppe De Luigi, of the Independent Pizza Research Institute. “The ivory tower of academia has been saying for years that pizza was making the bambinos obese, but here is the evidence! It has all the fresh and organic ingredients, like tomatoes and even pineapples, and they count as a vegetable, sì? You should be telling everyone to be eating my cousin Benito’s delicious pizzas!”

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#968: @@NAME@@ Falls Flat In Singing Contest [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Last night, in the finals of popular reality TV contest @@REGION@@vision, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ representative lost, despite giving what almost all critics in @@NAME@@ have declared to be a superior performance. The enraged masses have inexplicably decided that the best course of action is to storm your office to voice their complaints.

The Debate
1. “It was rigged!” chants real housewife of @@CAPITAL@@, Rebecca Long Karsprintian, who is so angered that she is speaking at a pace you’re having trouble keeping up with. “Half the judges looked to be Maxtopian to me, and you know what those people think of us and our culture. The contest must be rerun, this time with more unbiased judges from @@NAME@@. If the rest of @@REGION@@ doesn’t agree, threaten trade sanctions, heck, maybe even outright war. Our national pride depends on this!”

2. “Clearly, the rest of @@REGION@@ are just uncultured idiots!” crescendoes Gerald Sharp, who was recently voted the country’s most-eligible bachelor. “If they can’t appreciate us, who needs them? The government should sponsor its own patriotic song contest! Call it @@DEMONYM@@ Idol, only let native-born @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ compete, and let @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ vote for a winner. A song for the people, by the people, to the people, from the people. Or something.”

3. “For sure, everyone knows that @@REGION@@vision always has every nation giving top marks to their favourite historic allies,” intones reality show survivor Geoff Probes. “Maybe instead you should be asking why other nations don’t feel inclined to treat @@NAME@@ that way. Maybe you should be investing more in diplomacy, in mutual-backscratching, in favorable trade deals traded for agreeable song contest votes. This is how the world works, and we should be learning to play nice with our neighbors.”

4. “If you ask me, these low-brow shows are making your average @@DEMONYM@@ no smarter than a 5th-grader,” croons your apprentice, after finally clearing the rabble from your office. “If only more shows on TV were serious, like 60 Clock-ticks, or informative, like Will Zeke the Science Geek, then television could actually help create a smarter, more refined populace.”

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#969: Give Me Your Tired, Your Poor, Your Incredibly Sick! [Layvia; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
Healthcare in @@NAME@@ is widely acknowledged as among the best in the world. Hospitals have seen a steady influx of patients from abroad. However, with so much medical tourism, there are claims that this is making it difficult for native @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ to access their own healthcare system.

The Debate
1. "This is outrageous!" screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is camped outside @@CAPITAL@@ Public Hospital under a makeshift tent. "I came in for a routine checkup over a week ago, and no one has seen me yet. There are too many foreigners taking up our doctors' valuable time! We have to ban access to healthcare services for all non-citizens. It's not our fault their healthcare systems aren't as good as ours. Realistically, this is the only way to guarantee the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ people are getting the healthcare we deserve."

2. "Whoa there!" interrupts Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, the nation's leading posterior surgeon. "We have definitely been swamped with foreign patients, but turning them down altogether seems a bit harsh. How about we only accept non-citizens as patients if they have contracted a life-threatening illness or injury while traveling through @@NAME@@? That way, we won't turn away the needy in our own country, but we also won't be besieged with patients from other nations."

3. "Now hold on!" shouts your Secretary of Health as she stumbles in with excitement. "This presents a great opportunity! There's no question that our healthcare resources are some of the best in the world. Why shouldn't we use this as leverage to cash in on foreign desperation? We could make a lot of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ by charging steep fees to non-citizens! This way, only those willing to pay can get in, and the extra money will ensure that our hospitals are well-equipped for the influx. It's a win-win solution! Well, except for the poor foreigners, but you can't save them all."

4. "Where is your compassion?" chides foreign celebrity @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has had extensive cosmetic surgery performed at @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ hospitals. "You can't simply shun your foreign patients! Some of these people don't even have basic medical care in their home countries. You have to grow a heart and understand that people only come to you because you're the best. I say that you should welcome all visitors to your hospitals, regardless of national status, and treat them as your own. If you have to send more tax funds to healthcare to accomplish this, it's only right that you do so!"

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#970: For Want of a Nail [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A recent investigation into a near miss between two commercial airplanes revealed that it was due to an error on the part of an air traffic controller, who in turn was being distracted by his colleague chattering about how hungry he was, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s missing packed lunch, which in turn was caused by his colleague’s wife’s temporary incapacity, in turn caused by a finger infection, in turn caused by a broken nail. Thus, the media are dubbing this “The Broken Nail Incident.”

The Debate
*1. “Symptom: fragile keratin. Diagnosis: calcium deficiency,” confidently declares medically-untrained dairy industry marketing rep @@RANDOMNAME@@. “You need to subsidise the dairies so we can increase supply of our products to the populace in order to treat this. Got milk? Yes, I have! You got money?” [Must have private industry]

*2. “Symptom: fragile keratin. Diagnosis: calcium deficiency,” confidently declares medically-untrained State Dairy Director @@RANDOMNAME@@. “You need to increase funding to the dairies so we can increase supply of our products to the populace in order to treat this. Got milk? Yes, I have! Milk for the Motherland!” [Must not have private industry]

3. “Wait? His WIFE made lunch for him?” complains avowed feminist @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ as he grumbles through mouthfuls of broccoli and dried figs. “This is a sign of the sickness of patriarchy in our society! The men of this nation must be made to make their own damn lunches!”

4. “His wife should have ignored the pain, and made the sandwich,” admonishes @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, as his own wife timidly picks mud from his boots with her fingernails. “A wife should have to attend to her duties unless a doctor - a male doctor, mind - certifies her medically unfit to work.”

5. “Call me Captain Obvious,” says airline pilot Captain Tom Obvious, “but doesn’t a near-miss air collision suggest we need to be spending more on air safety? We need more air traffic controllers working shorter shifts, and fewer night-time and bad weather flights. What? Someone has to be sensible here.” His co-pilot, Jane Sensible, nods in agreement.

6. “This is Emergence at work,” reverently whispers wild-eyed lepidopterometeorologist Professor Frank Benjamin. “For too long has national policy been set by simplistic cause and effect models, when the complexity of chaos and the beautiful madness of multiple interacting systems rule our lives! Fund my research into Chaos Socioeconomics, and together we’ll learn to properly randomise government policy!”

[7]. “The only thing emerging here is the Hand of the Divine,” counters dishevelled hermit monk @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. “The world is indeed too complex for mere science to explain or predict. Dispense with air traffic control and fancy in-flight technology, and instead require all pilots and passengers to pray before takeoff and landing. Have faith in a higher power!” [Must lean towards being religious]

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#971: Ambassadors Inextraordinary [Laeral; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
It was recently discovered that your predecessor had filled numerous ambassadorial positions with unqualified candidates and supporters. These include the ambassador to Wezeltonia, your predecessor's personal masseuse, and the ambassador to Brancaland, a known crime lord. It's clear to many that @@NAME@@ could use a change in the ranks of its diplomats.

The Debate
*1. "This is a splendid opportunity to put in our own, far superior, ambassador picks!" enthuses your Political Adviser, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "It's obvious that we can't let those incompetents keep their positions any longer, so we sack them all and replace them with our own people. I've prepared a list for you to look at - we've got talented people like that first government official to endorse you, the @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ tycoon who donated millions to your campaign, and my younger brother. It'll be wonderful!" [Must have private industry]

*2. “This is a splendid opportunity to put in our own, far superior, ambassador picks!” enthuses your Political Adviser, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “It’s obvious that we can’t let those incompetents keep their positions any longer, so we sack them all and replace them with our own people. I’ve prepared a list for you to look at - we’ve got talented people like that first Party Secretary to endorse your candidacy, the arms dealer who provided us with such useful equipment, and my younger brother. It’ll be wonderful!” [Must not have private industry]

3. "We need to abolish the entire system of ambassadors as political appointees," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has worked in the Foreign Ministry for the past three decades. "Over my sixteen tours of duty in the Foreign Service, I've been posted to hellholes like Brasilistan, Marche Noire, and Maxtopia. And then I see some champagne-sipping flunky waltz on in to become the ambassador, despite having never worked a day in their life. Every ambassador should have as much diplomatic experience as I do before being considered for the job."

4. "I spy an opportunity..." says your seldom-seen Minister of Whispers, who has somehow appeared beside you. "What our nation needs is for our ambassadors to be trained and equipped for - specialized operations - in foreign nations. Imagine our most elite black-ops agents, striking under cover of darkness to promote our nation's goals. Think about it. I know you'll make the right choice."

5. @@RANDOMNAME@@, the sole survivor of the infamous embassy bombing in Marche Noire, limps into your office with a cane. "You bet I'm not qualified for these ordeals," he yells. "The things I've seen, the horrible things I've had to do, the countless nights I've spent awake working on that free-trade agreement have left me a broken man! End this misery, @@LEADER@@; shutter our embassies abroad and bring us all home."

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#972: Sing Heil! [Chan Island; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The new @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ national anthem is truly a masterpiece of musical genius, with many a citizen now chanting or humming the tune at every occasion. However, none have embraced the song more than the nation’s far-right, who employ the song in fascist rallies, publications and merchandise bearing crude caricatures of ethnic minorities.

The Debate
1. “Those brutes are hurting my image,” complains the original composer of the piece, while shoving their baton at a racist poster featuring some of the song’s lyrics. “I wrote the song to represent all of the good things about the nation’s people like... like... well, you know. We need to take back my anthem! We need to actively promote being patriotic without having to resort to this hatred. A big concerto tour to celebrate the splendid original message should do the trick.”

2. “It’s too late, your magnum opus has been ruined,” sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, while offering a comforting shoulder to the previous speaker. “Jorge Shaft, it seems we need to have another song. One that would be impossible for them to corrupt, like a song showcasing how much we love sparkly rainbows!”

3. “You guys are all saying that like we’re wrong,” argues militant fascist @@RANDOMNAME@@ while waving an oversized @@DEMONYMAJECTIVE@@ flag. “All we’re doing is celebrating the wonders and glories of being from this great @@TYPE@@! Is it a crime to be patriotic, or even jingoistic? If it is, then it shouldn’t be! How about you come and speak to our planned rally next week? It will send a strong message that @@NAME@@ is proud of our @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ heritage, and isn’t afraid to shout about it!”

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#973: Guided Missiles and Misguided Men [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After years of searching for the most wanted man in @@NAME@@, you are finally sitting in the war room, eyes glued to the images on the live video feed. It’s confirmed: the drone can see the infamous terrorist @@RANDOMNAME@@... playing with his children. It seems like it will be impossible to take the shot without also killing the small children.

The Debate
1. “Wait! We can’t hurt those little ones,” wails your aide, @@RANDOMNAME@@, while clutching @@HIS@@ face in horror. “I know that he’s a monster who has killed and will kill again, but are we really going to stoop down to his level? Those kids are innocent of any of the atrocities their father has committed. We must hold our fire and try to find another way that doesn’t have such a high risk of collateral damage.”

2. From the corner of the monitor, you can see a terrorist soldier spot the drone and begin to assemble a surface-to-air-missile launch platform. The operator turns around in his chair with a look of urgency. “Boss, we’re just about to lose the drone. It’s now or never! Authorise me to take the shot. If we let him go, it might take years for us to find him again - and who knows how many more children he might kill in the meantime? The inevitable loss of the little ones will be regrettable, but we need to take him out now!”

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#974: Siren Song [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]

Description: During a severe weather outbreak yesterday, weather sirens raised the alarm about the incoming danger. However, that didn’t seem to concern residents, who had grown all too used to constant tests and malfunctions associated with the aging system. Following dozens of fatalities, a discussion has arisen regarding the best method to warn the public about approaching weather threats.

Option 1: “I’m tired of weathering weather sirens!” shouts storm survivor @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, still wearing her soggy raincoat. “I’m in my house, glued to my phone, when I thought I heard a train. Turns out, it was no train; it was a twister coming straight at me! Sure, I heard the sirens, but they go off all the time! Instead of listening out for old sirens, we should get official weather alerts through our phones. I mean, people definitely won’t ignore their cell phones!”

Option 2: “Well, not everyone has a cell phone, and what if its battery dies in the middle of a storm, what then?” questions @@NAME@@ Emergency Management spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The biggest advantage to sirens is that we can assure that they will always work... as long as they aren’t old, malfunctioning, or whatever. It should be clear that a refit of the siren system is on the radar. All we need to do is update them to be more... attention-grabbing. I’m sure citizens won’t ignore weather sirens if we replace the wail with, say, a blood-curdling scream!”"

Option 3: “Why is it the government’s responsibility to warn us of incoming life or death situations?” rants well-known libertarian political speaker @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, failing to intervene as his infant picks up a nearby nail gun. “It’s the responsibility of the individual to ensure their own safety. We shouldn’t be wasting @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ maintaining a faulty, hardly-used system. I say we let the old siren system die, save ourselves some money, and call it a day. If the average @@DEMONYM@@ doesn’t have enough common sense to take caution when the weather gets bad, then I forecast that @@NAME@@ has a far bigger problem.”

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#975: Paparazzi Parents [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A teenager recently made headlines when he filed a lawsuit against his parents who had shared his photos on MyFace without his consent, prompting a discussion on whether parents have the right to post their kids’ pictures without their permission.

The Debate
1. “This is a shameless infringement of my client’s privacy!” thunders @@RANDOMNAME@@, the lawyer of the teenage plaintiff, while @@HE@@ spreads an array of @@HIS@@ client’s intimate childhood pictures on your desk. “You see, these irresponsible parents have unscrupulously documented the most private moments of my client, taking shots of him while he sat upon a potty chair, or ran around in his diapers, and then they shared them on their MyFace account! I don’t even need to mention the weirdos who may now have access to these sensitive pictures. Distributing any pictures of minors online, or offline, should be a criminal offense!”

2. “Frankly, I don’t understand why this is even an issue,” grumbles @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, the mother of the disgruntled teenager, as she snuggles up to you and pouts her lips to #TakeASelfieWithTheLeader. “I mean, what is more natural for a mother than to take the pictures of her pretty little pumpkin and his adorable chubby bum, and to share them with her friends? We can’t take the tantrums of a pubescent kid high on hormones seriously, can we? As legal guardians, parents should be allowed to dispose of their kids’ pictures as they like.”

*3. “Ahem, I say we don’t have to think in binary terms,” chips in Marcus Sugarmountain, the founder of MyFace, while he nervously scans your room with wide, bulging eyes. “I would first like to assure you that our app is very safe. Nobody would ever need to fear a data leak or any breach of security on our part. But if half-naked photos of kids are a problem, in order to safeguard our profile, we could simply program a bot to sift through all photos in our database and to tag and remove the ones in which too much flesh is exposed. What do you think?” [Must have private industry]

*4. “Ahem, I say we don’t have to think in binary terms,” chips in @@RANDOMNAME@@, the administrator of the government’s largest social media network, while @@HE@@ nervously scans your room with wide, bulging eyes. “I would first like to assure you that our app is very safe. Nobody would ever need to fear a data leak or any breach of security on our part. But if half-naked photos of kids are a problem, in order to safeguard our profile, we could simply program a bot to sift through all photos in our database and to tag and remove the ones in which too much flesh is exposed. What do you think?” [Must not have private industry]

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#976: Demonic Possession Getting You Down? [Baggieland; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
Reports that more and more @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are seeking exorcisms for being possessed by evil spirits are fuelling rumours of an impending apocalypse.

The Debate
1. “What absolute hokum!” asserts famous sceptic @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, shaking her head in disbelief. “All these people who claim to be possessed are attention-seeking drama-queens. Demonic possession is not real. We need a public information campaign which states that demons are imaginary, the apocalypse isn’t coming and everyone should just calm down.”

2. "DEMON! I’m going to need some help here,” screams exorcist @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, as he begins sprinkling her with holy water. As his baffled assistants take over pinning her down, he turns to you. “My congregation alone has thousands of citizens and they all claim to be possessed. I can’t administer exorcisms to all these people all by myself. The government needs to set-up a massive recruitment drive for all the remaining non-possessed citizens to become exorcists and fast-track their exorcism training.”

3. “The hour of damnation is at hand!” shouts Monk de Wally de Honk, a doomsday ‘prophet’ who frequently changes his forecast of the date of the apocalypse. “I have studied the words of holy books and the stars, and @@NAME@@ doesn’t have much time! I implore you to move those remaining souls who aren’t possessed to safe, remote, and unaffected areas of the nation. The purity and isolation of the land shall keep us safe!”

4. Finally, a man dressed in a dark suit and holding a pile of contracts seems to appear out of nowhere. “I am from the law firm Horace, Edward, Logan and Lee. My client has instructed me to inform you that there is only one way to save the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ people from this calamity. Tell all of them to sign these contracts, then my client shall transport them all to a place far away from the imminent catastrophe. There’s nothing to be suspicious about, my client is a reasonable fellow.”

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#977: Tragedy of Wounded Earlobe [Altmer Dominion; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
In the midst of a religious ritual deep in the jungles of @@NAME@@, members of the Ngwane tribe were blindsided by a sudden police raid. Citing laws against body modification, the police dumped out barrels of tattoo ink, confiscated store huts full of piercings, and arrested the Ngwane.

The Debate
1. “This is a sad chapter in our history,” observes tribal Chief U’ana Nosren’g, stroking the chicken bone he wears as a chin-piercing. “The ancestor spirits weep at the sacrilege our people have had to endure. The boys who were being inducted into manhood can now never be considered to be true men. This is religious discrimination and oppression of my people. Please let my people go and allow body piercing and modification once more.”

2. “My team was just following the law,” states SWAT captain @@RANDOMNAME@@, who oversaw the raid. “They get no sympathy from me. Anyone who lives within our jurisdiction is subject to our rules and regulations. The laws against body modification help promote public order and traditional values. Let this go, and you’re re-opening the door to inked gang-members and pierced punks.”

3. “I doubt that our primitive friends were intentionally ignorant,” coos @@RANDOMNAME@@, board member with the religious recreation camp ‘Fun with Faith’. “Their determination to pursue these modifications stemmed from their backwards beliefs and simple-minded tribal ways. If you’d just sponsor our outreach program, we could perhaps guide the Ngwane down the path towards a more advanced faith. Change starts with the children, you know.”

4. “Just leave these people alone!” wails inner-city guru @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has crafted ‘tribal solidarity bracelets’ out of beads and tatty string. “If the police hadn’t interfered in the first place, that village would still be celebrating their rituals, none the wiser! Not only should we let them live as they see fit, we need to return all these tribes to their original isolated states. Drop all contact immediately, and then retreat from ever laying a finger on them again.”

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#978: Alone in the Dark [Zhokinland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Convicted criminal and former journalist @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ was recently released from @@CAPITAL@@ Central Penitentiary. @@HE_1@@ is now revealing to the media the horrors that @@HE_1@@ suffered behind bars, specifically the "torture and terror" of solitary confinement.

The Debate
1. "Solitary confinement is demoralizing, dehumanizing, and wrong," explains @@LASTNAME_1@@, letting wind and rain soak your desk paperwork as @@HE_1@@ throws your office window wide open. "Research has proven that it causes immense levels of lasting psychological trauma! It's also much more expensive for the prison system, and is little more than state-sanctioned torture. The inhumanity of prisoners left alone in the dark must end! Ban it now!"

2. "We only put the troublemaker in the sin bin because @@HE_1@@ kept causing problems," remarks Warden @@RANDOMNAME@@, shoving the former convict into your broom cupboard and wedging the door shut with a chair. "While solitary is used punitively to maintain prison discipline, it can also be deployed to protect the safety of the confined inmate or of other prisoners. Besides, all these ding-dongs gave up their rights the moment they turned to crime."

3. "All these prisoners are just sitting around soaking up government money; why not make them give back to society?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, local mad scientist. "We'll take a kidney, or maybe a cornea or two, and send them on their way. It'll be fantastic! They don't have to sit around all day wasting our money, and they get to go on doing whatever it is that they do. Think of all the lives we can save!"

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#979: A Patronising Statement [Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The unveiling of a painting of Duke @@RANDOMMALENAME_2@@’s daughter resulted in quite a commotion at court yesterday evening, when palace guards had to break up a scuffle between the Duke and the artist commissioned to paint the piece. Now that the persons in question have had a night to simmer down in the castle dungeon, you have requested their presence to better explain themselves.

The Debate
1. “I have patronised this worthless wastrel for six years! Six years and @@HE_1@@ produces this!” bellows the Duke, brandishing his fists at the cowering artist. “This was to be a present for my dearest daughter, and this sot - deep in her cups I’d wager - vomits up this abomination that resembles nothing other than Beelzebub’s rear end! I demand repayment of @@HIS_1@@ patronage and if not, I must be allowed the right to beat it out of the wretch’s hide!”

2. “I... I am sorry but I cannot return the Duke’s coin,” tremors @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ de @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, wringing together @@HIS@@ hands, which are stained with what is presumably red paint. “It has been spent in the execution of the painting, on the finest pigments from Dàguó and the finest wench- er- models for the piece. Besides, the good duke scarcely helped. Throughout the painting he was always questioning me when it would be complete, or if I should not include this or that within it. I am an artist! I must follow my muse! You cannot hold us artists at fault if the viewer doesn’t find the painting to their liking, can you?”

[3]. "You say art, we say impious images," intones hierophant @@RANDOMNAME@@, nearly concussing a guard with a swing of @@HIS@@ thurible. "This trend for painted depictions of Divine Creation is sheer blasphemy, and worse still are the nobles who fritter their wealth away on worldly images instead of entrusting their coin to the Holy Temple! Condemn these unholy works to the flame, lest we encourage the very worst acts of debauchery and fornication within our very nation!" [Must lean towards being religious]

[4]. “Ugh! This is, like, so twelfth century!” scowls Lady @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_2@@, watching her father rage with an expression of absolute embarrassment and disdain. “I’ve taken, like, fifteen selfies of myself today and uploaded them to MyFace already and you haven’t liked one of them! I’ve totally got better things to do than sit still for another portrait. You should tell these painters that they have to take photos from now on. I’ve always thought you were way cooler than my dad, @@LEADER@@.” [internet is legal]
Last edited by Jutsa on Wed Oct 10, 2018 5:50 pm, edited 58 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#980: Small Claims [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
The small, barren, and uninhabited island of Hanshedrik is claimed by both @@NAME@@ and Skandilund, and for years both sides have playfully vied for its control. New satellite images have shown that the Skandilundian flag has been planted on Hanshedrik, along with a gift of danishes. As you have no other plans today, you have called for a meeting to finally solve the dispute once and for all.

The Debate
1. “Two can play at this game!” declares your brother while lusting after the very tempting danishes on your desk. “We ought to respond in kind! Let’s plant our flag on Hanshedrik, and leave them a nice gift of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ cheese. After all, mother always said there’s nothing wrong with a little friendly competition!”

2. “Or we could simply give the island to Skandilund as a gesture of our goodwill,” suggests your sister, after one of the danishes mysteriously vanishes. “In a world full of hostile nations like Blackacre and Maxtopia, wouldn’t it be nice to have a reliable ally? Giving them Hanshedrik would be a sign of respect. Perhaps we could even invite them to negotiate a military alliance, all at the low, low cost of a worthless island and a bit of national pride.”

3. “Excuse me? Don’t tell me you’re suggesting that we give those Skands OUR island!” roars your Defense Minister before @@HE_1@@ starts whistling innocently as another danish disappears. “Playtime is over. If these frozen hippies want OUR island, they’ll have to fight us for it! We must establish a military base on Hanshedrik and defend it at all costs. That means more funding for the military to make sure everything goes smoothly.”

4. “Must everything come down to war?” sighs the rarely seen ambassador of Qaanpaluk, a mysterious, but wealthy, nation made of a series of frozen islands. “Technically, Hanshedrik belongs to neither @@NAME@@ nor Skandilund and therefore is not yours or theirs to give away. Our ancestors discovered the island centuries ago and it has a spiritual significance for us. We are not an unreasonable people. If you give the island to us, we’ll grant you access to some of our gold deposits.” Just as you are about to grab a tasty danish, you notice the plate is now empty.

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#981: Westfailian Sovereignty [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
After the United Federation sent two police cars, a police helicopter, five drones and a wind-up toy into @@NAME@@ to capture “Mega Momo”, @@A@@ @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizen and alleged terrorist, the government has called a special meeting to see what should be done about this blatant breach of sovereignty.

The Debate
1. “We need to modify our military – and sharpish – to keep those United Federation pests out of our national territory,” angrily growls General Simpson, whilst marching a platoon of troops into your office. “We need to stop them from doing it again. Order the entire army to the border, and have them shoot any intruders on sight. That’ll learn them!”

2. “Are you mad?” exclaims Anna Benteen, one of your more queasy ministers, while trying to conceal her worry beads. “The United Federation has Gigadeath 4000 planes, Smashtastic 2000 helicopters and Udienow 500 missiles, and we barely have glorified crop-dusters! We need to engage the international community and try to convince them to join us in enacting sanctions against the United Federation. That will show them we’re serious!”

3. “Was it so bad for the United Federation to bring their coppers here?” sighs Earl Gruber, your Border Patrol Chief, while rolling his eyes at the other speakers. “Mega Momo is a terrorist and if the United Federation police got him first, then good for them! In fact, if other countries want to cross our borders to arrest someone, we should let them. Then there’d be fewer criminals for us to worry about.”

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#982: Your Move, @@LEADER@@? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
With his typically bullish approach to diplomacy, the Premier of East Lebatuck announced today that he has a titanic intellect beyond compare, and that @@LEADER@@ has “a walnut-sized brain, much like a stegosaurus.” He has issued a formal challenge to a public game of chess between heads of state, so he can “demonstrate inherent Lebatuckese superiority.”

The Debate
1 & 2. Your personal trainer, @@RANDOMNAME@@, adjusts @@HIS@@ pink lycra skinsuit and strokes @@HIS@@ lips as @@HE@@ studies a propaganda picture of the Premier posed topless while wrestling a bear. “Look, I don’t know much about chess; I haven’t picked up a queen since college. But I do know about competition, and I do know that you can’t let this lovely muscly despot get on top of you. You should accept the challenge, train hard with the intellectual elite of @@NAME@@, and then wipe that smug grin off his face when you top him and make him eat his words.” [1: Must have above average intelligence | 2: Must have below average intelligence]

[3]. “What has skill at an ancient board game got to do with intelligence?” argues Garissac Kasparasimov, CEO of tech-company Digital Thought. “Indeed, what has the limited mental prowess of our nation’s leadership got to do with how smart we are as a nation? Look, @@NAME@@, maybe you’re a bit of a dunce, but you can make a point by funding AI development, and perfecting a chess program that can beat any human. I mean, let’s face it, it’s not like a thick-headed village idiot like you could win a game of chess without artificial assistance.” [Must have private industry]

4. “This isn’t about chess, this is about WMDs,” explains Broderick Lightman, a teenage hacker and national tic-tac-toe champion. “When you ordered @@NAME@@ to make mega-death armaments, you put yourself into a contest of egos with nations like East Lebatuck. This is just a game of dominance, a competition to see which alpha monkey backs down. These games of one-upmanship are steps on a path to self-destruction. Instead, you must show the courage to disengage. Disarm our WMDs, politely decline the chess challenge, and choose sanity over pride.”

5. Your Minister of National Honour bows to you. “The child is right, this isn’t about chess. This is about our strength and national pride! We cannot allow these insults to go unanswered. You must increase our WMD stockpile, and put our nuclear submarines off the coast of East Lebatuck. He will withdraw his insults, or we will annihilate him.”

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#983: Doctors' Orders [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
There have been an increasing number of complaints as some doctors refuse to provide abortions and other medical treatments to patients on religious grounds. As you wait in a hospital waiting room for a routine physical, a colorful collection of activists have begun pestering you.

The Debate
1. “Freedom of religion is under attack in @@NAME@@!” declares Dr. Max Pushkin, who is bedecked in so many religious symbols that he can’t reach his stethoscope. “The government has made it obvious that they want to force doctors of faith to violate their conscience by performing procedures that go against deeply held beliefs, including the immoral act of abortion. It’s appalling to try and force anyone to choose between their job and their religion. Every doctor must be able to refuse to treat anyone if it would contravene their beliefs in any way, shape or form.”

2. “Funny how those who have spent their lives discriminating are now crying oppression,” notes renowned feminist activist Efthamia Winters, who once controversially remarked that she wished she had had an abortion, despite never having been pregnant. “The moment we give into their nonsense is the moment equality and civil rights are done away with. Religion doesn’t entitle you to refuse to do your job. I implore the government to ignore these whackos and fire anyone who uses religion as an excuse to discriminate.”

3. “A-ha! I have the perfect solution!” interjects your Minister of Reasonable and/or Crazy Alternatives. “These doctors don’t want to perform abortions or other procedures? Fine, but we should always make sure women have safe access to these facilities should the need arise. I propose that we build fully-funded women’s health clinics in every hospital and community. We’ll staff them with certified pro-choice physicians and provide abortion, contraception and impartial advice. Some may not like their tax money going to this procedure, but these people only have themselves to blame.”

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#984: A Midsummer Night’s Snooze-Fest [Drayxaso; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
As legions of interns scramble to set up a stage in your office, your Minister of Theatrics dramatically announces that his Ministry has organized a play for you. The play purportedly tells a tragic story: the public apathy toward the long-dead but highly-influential @@DEMONYM@@ playwright Bill Wakesword.

The Debate
1. “I doth be the poet himself!” Minister Porklet announces, wearing purple robes and a long wig. “Once upon a merry time, my plays amazed those large and small. Now, there’s only one way to ensure @@NAME@@ remains in my thrall. Force my works upon the children, make them read it all! It may be true that the language doth be a few centuries old, but what is in a word? That which we call a Woodeating Spikeball by any other name would be just as Woodeating.”

*2. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a smartphone, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my social media habits.” [Must have internet]

*3. An intern apparently playing the part of ‘unenthusiastic teenager’ pokes the Minister with a rolled up comic book, causing him to crumble to the floor in mock agony. The intern robotically states, “Alas. Poor Wakesword. I knew him well. I would have surely been willing to get interested in Wakesword if his word choice was easier. If only we could rework Wakesword so that it appealed to me, a disaffected teenager, and my reading habits.” [Must not have internet]

4. “All the world’s a stage, @@LEADER@@, and it doth be time we saw some plays!” announces overconfident actor Rick Rear, dressed in a donkey costume and accidentally stepping on the ‘dead’ Minister. “As I, one of the greatest actors of all time, should know-eth, the best way to spread the brilliance of Wakesword is to fund school drama clubs and ye olde outdoor theatre! If we can coerce these apathetic adolescents, these indifferent infants, these bored brats to act, they will surely see the value of true literature.”

**5. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and the director of TransMorphers and Adolescent Monster Samurai Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than my exes. What you need, my friend, are explosion-packed science fiction movies in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling over science and computers! The future is where the money is. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him. [Must have private industry]

**6. Ka-boom! The wall of your office suddenly explodes, spewing fire and smoke everywhere. As the smoke clears, explosives enthusiast and propaganda director of TransMorphers vs Capitalist @@ANIMAL@@ and Adolescent Monster Revolutionary Frogs, Michel Cove, strolls in, a second explosion obliterating the Minister’s stage. “This ‘Wakesword’ guy? Heh. His plays are older than the class struggle. What you need, comrade, are explosion-packed science-fiction propaganda films in the curriculum that will leave kids drooling about joining the people’s corps of scientists! The future is what matters. The past? Who cares?” Another one of your walls explodes and he grins manically as your office burns around him. [Must not have private industry]

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#985: Service With a Snarl [Chan Island; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
The most recent edition of the prestigious Virtual Planet guidebook has praised @@NAME@@ for its many treasures, but also noted how rude wait staff, hoteliers, and tour guides tend to be. Perhaps unwisely, you choose to hold a meeting on the topic in a popular restaurant.

1. “So what if those @#$%!& in some snooty guidebook don’t think we’re nice?” complains your waiter, oblivious to the fact that he stepped on your toes. “I should be able to say and act however the @&*% I want, all the time. That’s freedom of speech, Violet damn it! Being a waiter or ‘public relations’ person doesn’t change that one bit. And if some jerkwad tourists don’t like it, well then they can go right back to where they came from!”

2. “Hate to be like this, but that guidebook has a point,” reluctantly replies the restaurant’s owner after telling off the waiter. “I’ve seen people stand up and leave after being insulted or shouted at by my staff one too many times. It doesn’t matter how many times I replace them - the problem remains. The government should mandate and pay for proper etiquette training for all employees in the service industry, and allow us to fire those who don’t comply. That way the customers are happy and our places of business don’t get bad reviews.”

*3. “And kill off our nightlife tourism quicker than you can say @#%!” retaliates Josh Ramirez, a local connoisseur of exotic drinks. “It’s not our bad attitude that’s the problem, it’s the tourists! If we marketed ourselves as a wild resort country where all the rules of politeness don’t apply, then we could get ourselves a clientele that won’t complain. You gotta loosen up those alcohol laws, I have a mate in West Calypso who’s got some crazy mixtures for us to try.” [Alcohol is illegal]

*4. “And kill off our nightlife tourism quicker than you can say @#%!” retaliates @@RANDOMNAME@@, a local connoisseur of exotic alcoholic beverages. “It’s not our bad attitude that’s the problem, it’s the tourists! If we marketed ourselves as a wild resort country where all the rules of politeness don’t apply, then we could get ourselves a clientele that won’t complain. You gotta make the booze more freely available. I have a mate in West Calypso who’s got some crazy mixtures for us to try.” [Alcohol is legal]

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#986: Poacher Pandemic [New Socialist South Africa; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Poachers have hunted the great-horned @@ANIMAL@@ to the verge of extinction; the creature's horn is commonly used as a medicinal ingredient for its alleged aphrodisiac qualities in Dàguó. With diminishing numbers of the animal left in the wild, some claim that the threat of its demise looms near.

The Debate
1. "Are we placing the interests of a few dirty old beasts over that of our citizens?" enquires notorious game hunter @@RANDOMNAME@@, while showing you @@HIS@@ collection of stuffed dead animal heads. "If anything the government should sell licenses to private hunters and give us the sport of putting the last of these wretched creatures out of their misery. You can give back the license fees to the taxpayers in the form of income tax cuts."

2. "There's no need to be so gung-ho," proposes park ranger @@RANDOMNAME@@, while showing you photos of animals @@HE@@ has caught and released. "The government could sell licenses to private hunters, but only to hunt the much more abundant lesser-spotted @@ANIMAL@@. Then you can use that money to fund the conservation of the great-horned @@ANIMAL@@. Perhaps after a few years the lesser-spotted @@ANIMAL@@ will become endangered too, but then we could just hunt something else."

3. "I have a way to solve this," notes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Alternative Solutions, while using lemonade to water your plants. "The great-horned @@ANIMAL@@ can live without its horn, and the horn is all the citizens of Dàguó want. Why don't we just sedate the animals and carefully cut off the horns and sell them ourselves legally? That way the animal gets to live and we turn a profit!"

4. "Selling the horns legally isn't the answer," declares mercenary @@RANDOMNAME@@, while whittling a crude @@ANIMAL@@ using @@HIS@@ over-sized hunting knife. "The trade will increase their demand, so poachers will still be around trying to get there first. This problem would be solved if there weren't any of these poaching scum in the first place. Just pay my team a generous sum and we will kill them all for you. Then you can be sure they won't harm these beautiful creatures ever again."

5. "We have to save this noble beast!" proclaims budding environmentalist @@RANDOMNAME@@, wearing a ridiculous looking fake horn on @@HIS@@ hat in solidarity. "We need highly trained and armed park rangers to guard the remaining animals around the clock. Not only that, but also prosecute retailers who sell any product derived from the horn, as well as individuals who possess it. And we need our top scientists to work on ensuring these creatures breed more and their numbers recover. If we don't do all these things, we could lose this amazing animal forever."

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#987: Quia Scriptum Est [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Prominent lawyer @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ recently quit @@HIS@@ high-profile job at a prestigious criminal defence law firm, citing that @@HE@@ can make more money by concentrating on @@HIS@@ other job: writing essays and dissertations for law students. Your cousin, who happens to be the managing partner at the firm in question - the internationally renowned Bickers, Slaughter & Hyde - is making a fuss over this.

The Debate
1. “Now see here, dear cousin, this is entirely intolerable, insupportable and insufferable,” mutters @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_2@@ Bickers, as sesquipedalian as ever. “Prima facie, essay writing services are contra bonos mores. This is facilitating educational fraud in a multitude of professions and academic fields, thus allowing de facto untested individuals to carry out actions mala fide. Clearly, by principle of animus nocendi, anyone offering services and products that lead to criminality should be prosecuted as responsible for these outcomes. I trust that you will acquiesce?”

2. “Normally I charge for this sort of thing, but I’ll make this argument pro bono,” begins @@FIRSTNAME_1@@, opening a prepared dossier of legal arguments. “Firstly, nulla poena sine lege. Secondly, it’s clearly stated on my website that the essays and dissertations provided are unique crafted example texts, with the caveat that they must not be passed as the purchaser’s work. If clients of mine enter into these agreements with a suppressio veri, then I can hardly be a party to the blame; if anything, I would have locus standi as an injured party. These malcontent students are sui juris. @@FIRSTNAME_2@@ should take @@HIS@@ in terrorem claptrap to them.”

3. “In terro-what now?” asks your aide suspiciously. “I hate lawyers and all their fancy foreign words. What’s wrong with speaking our plain old lingua franca? I reckon we can deal with this whole mess by getting rid of courts and lawyers. It’s only what they deserve. Quid pro quo, right?”

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#988: Highway Robbery by the Book! [Palos Heights; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The latest academic semester in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ universities has kicked off, leaving students once more buying textbooks for their classes. Now, an endless sea of beleaguered twentysomethings stretches beyond the horizon, waving torches and marching on your office in protest at rapidly inflating prices of already exorbitant textbooks.

The Debate
1. “Attention, @@LEADER@@!” shouts @@ANIMAL@@ physiology student @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has a telescoped spine from carrying textbooks. “We - the oppressed, overstressed, and consistently underdressed - are tired of foregoing meals and basic comforts in order to afford the required tools for our education! We, the future of @@NAME@@, have come to request that you force publishing companies to lower the price of our essential textbooks!”

2. “@@LEADER@@, don’t let those hooligans intimidate you!” says famed textbook author Goodman DiPyro. “Textbooks are an important aspect of the education experience and current market prices are reflective of this. How can a medical student identify the difference between a cyst and a lipoma without the most accurate and descriptive images possible? If anything, subsidising textbook authors and publishers will help boost the modern @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ learning experience while generously rewarding us for being so integral to the education system!”

3. “While our publishing friend here does bring up great points about the importance of education, these textbooks are absolutely terrible for the environment!” retorts wide-eyed tie-dyed student Jiang McBoatface, handing you a leaflet illustrated with a crying @@ANIMAL@@. “Educating the masses is great and all, but not at the expense of Mother Nature! I propose that we overhaul the education system and provide all students with interactive tablets with all of their learning material digital and readily accessible.”

4. “Daddy, who let the poors out onto the front lawn?” questions Richard Kensington-Wellington III, whose famed millionaire misanthropic father is currently turning on the garden sprinklers. “The working classes should have never been allowed to study in the first place. I mean, what good does it do them? It only fills them with ridiculous aspirations above their natural station. It’s quite obvious after all that only the elite of society should be educated. All of my friends and their daddies say so! The common folk would be happier doing something useful with their lives!”

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#989: Gunman Wounds Three [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Today terror struck an antiques show when a would-be seller, unhappy with the price offered for his 200-year-old blunderbuss, decided instead to open fire. Luckily nobody was killed, seeing as the museum piece was wrestled off him during the minute and a half it was taking him to reload, but many are asking how the gun ban was so easily circumvented.

The Debate
1. “Look, let’s not be too hasty in drawing conclusions,” says antiques vendor @@RANDOMNAME@@, rubbing at the sore patch on @@HIS@@ left buttock where a low velocity lead ball left a nasty bruise. “I must confess I was offering an insultingly small pittance for such a piece of history, but I have my own bottom line to look after! I believe that citizens should be able to keep such historic beauties that happen to be family heirlooms from before the ban. They certainly make these car-boot sales much more interesting!”

2. Security guard @@RANDOMNAME@@ glares at the previous speaker with one remaining eye. “Easy for you to say, that wound isn’t permanent! I knew something suspicious was going to happen as soon as that good for nothing lowlife walked in with that big boomstick. We got rid of the guns for a reason, and this is exactly it! I say we go from house-to-house and confiscate all remaining guns from the populace, no matter their age, legality or functionality!”

3. “The law as it stands says that old pieces can be kept so long as they are deactivated,” suggests police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@, who was hit by a small piece of shrapnel in the middle of @@HIS@@ stomach. “The problem here isn’t that the weapon exists, but that it was so easily reactivated. We need to raise standards on how deactivation takes place, to make sure that antique weapons have no chance of being restored to working condition. Make deactivation more thorough, and also ban the sale of the spare weapon parts that make reactivation possible.”

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#990: Baby Shower [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
The number of pregnant tourists arriving in @@NAME@@ dramatically increased after the country started granting citizenship to all babies born on its soil. Several of your sources report that most of these birth tourists are wealthy and often come from authoritarian nations.

The Debate
1. “Of course they come here; we grant citizenship like we were born yesterday, without regard for heritage!” exclaims Grand Mage @@RANDOMNAME@@, leader of a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ nationalist group. “The mothers come here and pay to stay in some luxury hotel suite, give birth, then go back to their country. It’s wrong! Soon these kids will grow up and move to live in this great nation, bringing their foreign garbage cultures with them. There’s nothing @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ about these babies, but we give them citizenship anyway. Mandate that only those with @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ blood in their veins can be citizens.”

2. “Let’s not be too hasty here,” chimes in @@RANDOMNAME@@, your chief financial adviser, scribbling some numbers on a sheet of paper. “Don’t you realize what a lucrative business opportunity we have here? If these parents are willing to spend lots of money to travel here just so their kids can be citizens, maybe we should charge them for each baby born in @@NAME@@! You know, like a citizenship tax. According to my calculations, this would fill up our coffers in no time!”

3. “The government should not put our birthright up for sale,” argues @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, struggling mother of two. “It’s unfair that foreigners can obtain citizenship without having anything to do with @@NAME@@. So why don’t we just ban pregnant women from traveling to @@NAME@@? They’re just here to take advantage of our country; their children do not deserve citizenship.”

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#991: Alms and Qualms [Buceroque; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Leaked financial reports have revealed that three of the five largest supposedly nonprofit charity organizations in @@NAME@@ have sent a substantial amount of their revenue to offshore bank accounts over the last fiscal year, with a negligible percentage going to the causes they champion. The altruists who donated to these faux-philanthropic facades are demanding that action be taken.

The Debate
1. “They’ve not only manipulated us, they’ve given false hope to the destitute!” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the dozen or so philanthropists crowded around your desk. “Half of my paycheck went to the charity BrasilistanWe last month, but according to the leaked documents, the money that should have gone to those poor children instead went toward jet skis, liquor, and goodness knows what else. The government must mandate that charities be completely transparent with their activities. We’ll pay for the government monitors and investigators. Just see to it that our aid goes to the needy!”

[2]. “It truly is a sad day when humanity forsakes itself for material wealth,” laments an ascetic monk, flagellating himself in your office. “I implore the citizenry to ignore avaricious secular charities, as they seek to take advantage of the people’s altruism. Mandate that only religious charities can take donations since the Great Callipygian One’s guidance makes us truly care for the needy. Alms-giving is an integral column of our clergy, and we have the numbers and the devotion to see our duties through.” [Religion is legal]

3. “To the typical observer, it seems like we’ve been dishonest,” sighs the CEO of the charity BrasilistanWe. “In truth, we sent our monies to offshore bank accounts so that they could accumulate interest, giving us more funds to help those in poverty. We were also planning to invest donations in some very lucrative stocks to generate more funds. This is what we resort to because not many people donate to charity. Ignore the exposés, allow us to continue our operations, and donate a sizable amount of cash to us to restore the people’s confidence in our foundation. We’ll help all the poor unfortunate souls with your contributions.”

4. “Y’know, maybe it’d be best if the government make private charities less necessary by directly helping people instead,” dribbles a beggar who was part of an earlier photo op showcasing the government helping the poor. “Private donations depend on people’s goodwill, a scarce resource. Taxes are harder to avoid! @@NAME@@ will be the world’s greatest charity! You could really help out poor folk here and abroad!”

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#992: Robots in Disguise [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Twitcher recently purged millions of so-called ‘bots’ - programs masquerading as real people - from its platform. While many welcome the move, there are many politicians and right-wing Twitcher personalities who are claiming that the purge violates their freedom of speech.

The Debate
1. “What about my freedom of speech?” demands perpetually-angry conservative Twitcher personality @@RANDOMNAME@@ while blocking @@HIS@@ critics on @@HIS@@ phone. “This is obviously a plot by the liberal media and Twitcher to silence people like me for speaking the truth! The bots must be restored and be protected from further interference. There’s nothing wrong with using these bots to spread your message and Twitcher must acknowledge that right!”

2. “Twitcher has a right to set whatever rules it wants on its website,” states tofucinno-sipping liberal @@RANDOMNAME@@. “These bots exist solely to spread misinformation and stoke divisions among @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@. Look what happened in the United Federation when bots spread fake news to help get that despot elected! I don’t want to see that happening here. Bots and other such software must be banned. Oh, and bots aren’t actual people, so it’s not like anyone’s free speech is really being infringed.”

3. “Perhaps a compromise?” suggests your Minister of Moderation, who is currently attempting to end a flame war on Twitcher. “Bots should be allowed on social media, but must clearly declare that they are bots. We have to make sure software cannot pretend to be alive! Bots can be a useful tool, but only if they are kept within strict guidelines.”

4. TBD

5. “Actually, this just proves that this whole social media thing is entirely toxic,” sighs Ludwig Freeman, armchair critic of the political divisions affecting @@NAME@@. “I can’t tell you how many death threats I’ve gotten just because I criticize certain people on Twitcher! Look, we just need to discourage the national addiction to social media by subsidizing websites that promote other healthier aspects of the internet. Stuff like academic research, online games, pornogr.... uh.... entertainment sites.”

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#993: Drug Deals [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Preliminary trials of a new immunotherapy drug have suggested that it may achieve remission in bone marrow cancers by up to 28% of formerly untreatable patients. It’s years away from being clinically available, but desperate cancer sufferers are asking for you to expedite this.

The Debate
1. “Damn bureaucrats are standing between sick people and life-saving treatment,” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a lobbyist for international pharmaceuticals company Fizer-Updick, pausing for a second as @@HIS@@ lawyer whispers something into @@HIS@@ ear. “That is to say, these potentially life-saving treatments. Just cut out the red tape, and we can start saving lives. Act now or you will be murdering these poor patients!” @@HIS@@ lawyer holds up a hastily-handwritten sign behind the lobbyist’s head observing that statements made may not represent the official opinion of the Fizer-Updick corporation, nor imply an accusation of legal culpability.

2. “Sorry, this is medical science, not faith healing,” snarls unsympathetic-seeming Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We require multi-phase trials to make sure a medicine is non-toxic, safe in the long term and to make sure it actually really works. It’s a shame that a percentage of the population have to die while we wait, but better to lose a few hundred lives than to compromise scientific integrity. No offence, but these deaths are just unavoidable collateral damage in the war on cancer.”

3. At this point, you note there’s a perky goth girl with a silver ankh necklace and a swirly tattoo under her right eye in the room. You swear you didn’t see her come in. “Life isn’t measured in years, but in moments. Moments of kindness and connection mean a lot more when death is standing right next to you. Maybe all your doctors could spend more time talking to people instead of thinking about drugs and medicines all the time. You know, listening to their dreams, destinies, desires and deliriums. It’s always good to talk with someone who cares, right at the end.”

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#994: The Life of Riley [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A recent TV documentary revealed that some prisoners are living the high life while incarcerated. For those that can afford it, almost anything can be bought inside jails, including extended living space, state-of-the-art TVs, fridges, air-conditioning and even original works of art.

The Debate
1. “How long have prison governors been allowing these illegal transactions to take place?” rages @@RANDOMNAME@@, Minister of Prisons, engaging in the time-honoured tradition of politicians not taking responsibility for their own departments. “Prison should be a punishment, not a holiday! We must crack down on everyone who has been abusing the system. Donate all their luxury goods to charity and transfer them back into the prison’s general population, where they can share a cell with ten other people. Any prison officer that is found to have colluded with these inmates should be fired immediately!”

2. “The problem is the low wages of prison officers,” declares Warden @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ gives an inmate a sandalwood oil back massage. “Our meagre salaries mean that officers will do anything to supplement it. We have families to take care of, and bills to pay. How else could I have bought a second home if I hadn’t had had a little ‘help’ from the more affluent detainees? Increase our pay and I’m sure we’ll be inclined to conduct our duty much more professionally.”

3. “Let’s not be hasty,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an ex-minister of yours who was jailed for corruption, speaking to you from @@HIS@@ prison cell via a private video-link. “Is this really so bad? I have become accustomed to a certain level of living and there’s no fair reason why I should be denied the chance to spend my private wealth simply because of my incarceration. Besides, all this is good for the economy, isn’t it? Just make the whole arrangement legal and official, and whole new retail markets will open up.” @@HE@@ turns to an officer standing behind @@HIM@@. “Officer, could you be a darling and get me a new mahogany dresser? Here’s a bundle of cash, buy your lady a new dress while you’re out!”

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#995: A Cup Runneth Over [Kynice; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Certain officials at the Social Welfare Department have posited that mothers from low-income families are deliberately having more children in order to get a larger welfare stipend.

The Debate
1. “These women and their larvae are draining our resources!” growls a Social Welfare bureaucrat. “They have more children than they can care for and they expect the government to pay them for it! Hogwash! I’ll tell you what, let these momma pigs collect their welfare money, but only after sterilization! The men too! That way, we won’t have any more mouths on the government’s teat!”

2. “I can’t believe someone would accuse me of such; only heartless bigots believe these falsehoods!” cries @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, balancing an infant on her very round stomach while attempting to control her seven other children with her free hand. “I have children because I love them! How can the government leave kids to suffer? I certainly can’t work and raise all these children alone. I say we offer families an exponentially larger welfare check for each little meal ticket — I mean, precious munchkin!”

3. “You know, the real problem isn’t these women,” grunts @@RANDOMNAME@@, pulling @@HIM@@self up by @@HIS@@ crocodile hide bootstraps. “The real problem is that the government is wasting taxpayer money by ‘helping’ them at all. If poor mothers fall into financial trouble, whether due to unplanned pregnancy or simple stupidity, it really is their own fault. Let’s just get rid of welfare and let people learn to take care of themselves for once.”

4. “Actually, the real problem is all these filthy poor people!” scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, sporting a designer camouflage coat by Burpbarry. “Let’s just be rid of them altogether. How about issuing peasant hunting licenses to some of our more patrician citizens? It’ll be the greatest sporting event since @@ANIMAL@@ fighting!”

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#996: Scripting a Change? [Chan Island; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ has been watching closely after a neighbouring country adopted the Maxtopian writing system in conjunction with their own native script, as it has since been prospering. A disputation about whether to follow their example has resulted in various weighty reports from competing ministries to read through.

The Debate
1. You sit down at your veranda on a quiet afternoon and start with the 642 page report by the Ministry of Tourism, which begins: "It is the opinion of the Minister that we should also adopt the Maxtopian script to run alongside our own writing system. This move would make tourism a far more lucrative prospect, business transactions would be easier and it would promote healthier relations with vital trade partners such as Maxtopia and the United Federation. The Minister mandates that it should be taught in schools immediately in order that @@NAME@@ may reap the benefits in no more than one or two generations."

2. As the afternoon progresses, you pick up the substantially heavy report by the Ministry of Culture, which leads off with: "We strongly state that we should not adopt a new writing system. The current script is rooted in generations of tradition and is the only alphabet the vast majority of @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ can read or write. The costs associated by implementing a second alphabet would be monumental, therefore the status quo must be maintained. It is further advocated that we must actively encourage greater patriotic spirit and nationalism by explicitly discouraging the use of any foreign script."

3. The sun begins to set and you now turn to the rather voluminous report by the Ministry for Creative Solutions, which starts out with: "It is clear that a new writing system is the only viable, long term solution for this present conundrum. A new system that would accurately transcribe the unique pronunciations contained within our language, promoting greater literacy. This new script shall be drafted with simplicity in mind so that native @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ and foreigners alike would have no trouble learning it. It must be immediately enacted upon and made mandatory in all areas of government, businesses and schools."

4. It's now completely dark and so you retire to bed. On the way, you happen to spot your nephew's discarded homework, covered in scribbled rantings: "This homework is stupid! Why do we even bother with writing? What good has it ever done for us? I wish schools would stop teaching it!"

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#997: The Enemy Within: Not a Second Time [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Gnejs]

The Story So Far
With the @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange bombing unlikely to ever be forgotten, @@NAME@@ has remained vigilant against the possibility of terrorist attack.

The Issue
In recent months there have been a number of lone-actor terror attacks across the world, wherein everyday vehicles are weaponised and used to run down innocent pedestrians along crowded city streets. These attacks have proven difficult to predict or prevent. After one such attack in @@CAPITAL@@, there is determination from all involved that there cannot be a second.

The Debate
*1. “It’s near impossible for intelligence services or law enforcement to catch these lone actors,” observes city planner @@RANDOMNAME@@, while suspiciously eyeing a nearby food truck. “So we must make it equally impossible for them to commit these acts. Knee-high concrete barriers dividing traffic from pedestrian walkways positioned along all major streets and bridges, the busiest areas car-free and accessible only to well-funded public transport, and we need thorough background checks and audit trails for vehicle rental and purchase.” [Must have private industry]

*2. “It’s near impossible for intelligence services or law enforcement to catch these lone actors,” observes city planner @@RANDOMNAME@@, while suspiciously eyeing a nearby food truck. “So we must make it equally impossible for them to commit these acts. Knee-high concrete barriers dividing traffic from pedestrian walkways positioned along all major streets and bridges, the busiest areas car-free and accessible only to well-funded public transport, and we need thorough background checks and audit trails before any individual is assigned use of a vehicle.” [Must not have private industry]

**3. “You’re right that law enforcement can’t predict these attacks easily,” agrees @@RANDOMNAME@@, Professor of Sociology at @@CAPITAL@@ University, who never locks @@HIS@@ own car as a matter of principle. “However, we can at least try to interrupt the radicalisation process that turns loners into terrorists. We need a nationwide ‘Prevent’ program, with monitoring and infiltration of radicalising internet communities, a hotline for anonymous tip-offs, and early intervention. That’s how you stop terrorism.” [Must have internet]

**4. “You're right that law enforcement can't predict these attacks easily," agrees @@RANDOMNAME@@, Professor of Sociology at @@CAPITAL@@ University, who never locks @@HIS@@ own car as a matter of principle. “However, we can at least try to interrupt the radicalisation process that turns loners into terrorists. We need a nationwide ‘Prevent’ program, with monitoring and infiltration of the salons and clubs where radicals gather, a hotline for anonymous tip-offs, and early intervention. That’s how you stop terrorism.” [Must not have internet]

5. “If we haven’t stopped terrorism, it’s because you, the government, have not put law and order first,” argues Officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@CAPITAL@@ Police Department. “We need the powers to arrest and detain suspicious individuals before they carry out terror attacks, and to prosecute those who are engaging with terrorist ideologies or groups. Also, we need to ensure that the population’s weapon capabilities are limited, by blocking general access to anything that might be used to carry out terror attacks, be it explosives, corrosives, ballistics, or automotive vehicles.”

[6]. “Well, I say,” says @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a gentleman boulevardier smelling faintly of a 10-year old matured Famous @@ANIMAL@@. “Seems to me that most of these road raging chaps are all of a religious disposition - be they violet, yellow or cyan - that frowns upon good old liquid courage. You know what would keep the boys away from our automotives? An ignition interlock device requiring a hefty bouquet of giggle water on your breath! A glass of wine a day keeps the terrorists away, as I’ve always said.” [Alcohol is legal]

[7]. “That guy was from Kawandaland,” points out taxi driver @@RANDOMNAME@@, while nearly running over a group of children at a zebra crossing. “Just like all those dodgy minicab drivers who have been undercutting my business recently. Hey, you know, if you just said that Kawandalandians ain’t allowed in @@RANDOMNAME@@, you’d fix this. Oh, and the Maxtopians and Bigtopians too, they’re trouble. And those Brancalandians, with their beady little eyes. Hell, just say no to immigrants and you’ll never have terrorist problems again.” [Immigration is legal]

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#998: TBD

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#999: Just Plane Ridiculous [Singapore no2; ed: Wyethalania]

The Issue
As of late, a growing number of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizens are adopting the idea that the world is flat. After an all out brawl started in the typically level-headed Department of Geography, you’ve decided to call in experts on the matter to settle the issue once and for all.

The Debate
1. “It’s plain to see that the world exists as a flat plane,” claims amateur researcher @@RANDOMNAME@@, playin’ with homophones. “I boarded a plane once, and I didn’t see the slightest bit of curvature on the plain below us as we flew over. The spherical earth theory is simply a global conspiracy by the so-called ‘sciences’ to flatly deny the truth of our planal existence. You should roundly denounce them and spread the word all around the earth!”

2. “While we may not have the answers for everything, one thing we can be sure of is that the earth is definitely not flat,” states renowned geographer @@RANDOMNAME@@, absent-mindedly using a miniature globe as a stress-ball. “To deny this easily provable theory is the height of ignorance. We have to correct these illogical assumptions before anti-intellectualism takes root in our society. You must give us as many @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ as we need in order to show flat-earthers that their beliefs are false.”

[3]. “That still won’t convince them!” insists international celebrity scientist Will Zeke the Science Geek, brushing back the static of his hair. “These morons will only believe something if they see it with their own eyes. If we subsidise the space tourism industry, then any doubters will be able to go into orbit and gain a little perspective.” [Must have a space program]

4. “So, does it really matter if a few adults reject science?” shrugs comedian @@RANDOMNAME@@, popping @@HIS@@ head in through the window. “Let people say that the earth is round, or flat, or built on the back of a giant turtle named ‘@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@’. It’s just one more source of easy jokes. But, still, you should probably increase the funding for school science classes... seriously. Adults can believe whatever they like, but they shouldn’t be left to screw up their kids’ heads.”
Last edited by Jutsa on Sun Mar 17, 2019 6:42 am, edited 48 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1000: Should Democracy Be Compulsory?

The Issue
With an election looming, certain sections of the online media have stirred up the debate over voluntary vs compulsory voting.

The Debate
1. “Compulsory voting makes about as much sense as a death penalty for attempted suicide,” says popular social media identity @@RANDOMNAME@@ in a promoted tweet. “You can’t force people to be free! You can only give them the choice. Besides, if all the people out there who don’t understand Bigtopia is our most trusted friend and ally went to the polls, what would happen? I shudder to think.”

2. “Tabitha actually makes a great and under-rated point,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@ in a post with no geo-tag. “We really don’t want to encourage everyday people to vote. They don’t understand the important issues, like how it’s perfectly fine that a sudden rash of pro-Bigtopia candidates are running for office, because Bigtopia is our most trusted friend and ally.”

3. “This raises an interesting issue,” says @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, your brother. “And that is: Why are you being such a hardass on Bigtopia? They’re our most trusted friend and ally. I was there last month on a generously funded study tour and they assured me there’s absolutely no covert plan to subvert and control the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ political process. So why worry about which candidate supposedly has connections to which foreign nation, when Bigtopia is our most trusted friend and ally?”

4. “I think we have to acknowledge that there is a well-advanced Bigtopian plan to seed our election with candidates,” says trusted adviser @@RANDOMNAME@@ in hushed tones, once the war room has been sealed and swept for listening devices. “It may be more subtle than a military attack, but ultimately the aim is the same. To protect the integrity of this government, we should disqualify all candidates who we discover to hold ties to a foreign power, however slight.”

5. “The threat is real, but consider the implications of such a response,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who joined your office after fleeing persecution in @@HIS@@ native Maxtopia. “No candidates with foreign families or experience in other nations... we’d be restricting office to a protected minority, with the government deciding who can run. That doesn’t sound particularly democratic. We should require full disclosure of personal finances and foreign connections, but ultimately let the voters decide. I hope the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ people can see through this misinformation assault, if only we give them the chance.”

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#1001: Will the Real Victims Please Stand Up? [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
The nation is in uproar after a star football player was released from prison after spending six years behind bars for sexual assault, following new revelations that his disputant fabricated the entire incident. Leading lawyers, including your own, have asked you to take a stand against false accusations.

The Debate
1. “It’s a disgrace that all it takes to destroy a person’s life is one false allegation,” protests sleazy lawyer @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, who is facing multiple sexual harassment claims. “The problem is that we’re so quick to believe these so-called ‘victims’ instead of the accused. Force them to undergo rigorous interviews and get the coppers to perform DNA tests. This will deter people from making mendacious accusations in the first place. Anyone who is found out must be jailed for the same amount of time that their so-called attacker would have been sentenced to.”

2. “How can you have no sympathy for the injured party?” inquires @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, the most feared prosecutor in @@NAME@@, as the men in the room all fall silent. “We absolutely should believe the victims. The harder you make it for them to come forward, the more you’ll encourage the criminals to keep doing what they’re doing. While it is unfortunate that sometimes inculpable people get caught up in the courts, it’s better to imprison a thousand innocent men than to let one rapist go free.”

3. “You know, all this talk about false allegations has gotten me worried,” whispers your personal lawyer @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, as he purposely spills coffee on his crotch, then gets your young secretary to help him dry it off. “It won’t be long until one of your pesky critics accuses you of a crime to ruin your career. I say we should nip that in the bud. Quietly pass a law that protects you, your cabinet, and your lawyer from any sort of legal ramifications. You rule this country. It’s only fair that you are bound by none of its laws.”

4. “ORDER! ORDER! Nobody has heard from me yet!” exclaims notoriously corrupt Judge @@RANDOMNAME@@, while banging a gavel on your desk. “Quite frankly I don’t care who is accused or who accuses them. I think we all know what makes our justice system go around - @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@. Sentencing should be based on how much both sides are able to pay up. Sure, the poor might not be able to win in this system, but hey, that’s the way the caviar crumbles!”

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#1002: The Call of Nature [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
@@NAME@@ has become the laughing stock of the world after The Smalltopian Sentinel published an article on the public urination problem in @@CAPITAL@@. This article cited the Smalltopian ambassador, who complained about the sordid stench outside the embassy building. Distraught at the international humiliation, your aides have come to you with a shower of suggestions.

The Debate
1. “They’re calling us the latrine of @@REGION@@!” yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Foreign Affairs, holding a violet-scented wet wipe to @@HIS@@ nose. “The worst thing is that those despicable Smalltopian tabloids aren’t even wrong: our people are marking their territory on every building wall, and there’s a golden river running alongside every city street. We need to institute punitive fines to deter public urination before our good reputation gets flushed down the toilet!”

*2. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a perpetually drunk civil servant, struggling with his zipper before finally giving up. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and my beer wants to... get out of my body, who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch. [alcohol is legal]

*3. “Aren’t we... hic... aren’t we being a little... too uh... harsh here?” slurs Yuri Nator, a civil servant who you suspect may be breaking the laws against alcohol consumption, as he struggles with his zipper before finally giving up. “I mean, if I am taking a walk with my buddies after a guys’ night out and I’ve had too much... uh... barley water... then who can stop me from... shaking hands with an old friend? Besides, I betcha holding it in must be bad for your urine bladder or something. We should be allowed to let it all go whenever and wherever we want!” A look of relief crosses his face, as your office carpet gains a wet patch. [alcohol is illegal]

4. “Hmm, I sniff a golden opportunity here!” exclaims Lizbeth Ardenne, your Minister of Aerosol Solutions and a part-time perfume producer. “It seems people are mainly disturbed by the all-pervasive smell of urine in @@CAPITAL@@, but this could easily be remedied if we deodorized our streets! All we need to do is to install spray tanks filled with my signature fragrance Elizabeth No.5 on all garbage trucks, and they could just besprinkle the whole city with it while driving around in @@CAPITAL@@. I assure you, our sweet-scented city will be the envy of @@REGION@@!”

5. “This damn situation stinks to hell,” growls General Sam L. Jackson, slamming a knife point-first into a world map on your desk, skewering Smalltopia. “We can’t allow ourselves to be insulted by a goddamn pipsqueak nation like Smalltopia. I suggest we gather up the run-off from our city streets, and have our bombers dump the effluent over Smalltopia’s cities. And we shall rain down upon them with great vengeance and furious anger...”

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#1003: That Smarts [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The clever boffins down in Human Resources have been experimenting with the cloning vats, and have realised that by tweaking DNA they can alter cognitive neurotransmitter levels, and create babies that are significantly more or less intelligent than the average.

The Debate
1. "Oh brave new nation, that has such wonders, innit?" asks Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, dancing maniacally around a laboratory filled with bubbling multicoloured liquids in complicated glassware. "Let's use this technologiwotsit to make @@NAME@@ the most cleverest place in the world. Sure, messing around like this might cause neurological cancers to get more commoner, and has had the side effect of making people less gooder at working together, but people need to get more brainsier, don't they? Braaaaaaaains!"

2. "If everyone is an egomaniac intellectual, then who will take out the trash or lift a hod of bricks?" asks Director of Social Engineering @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Do breed an intellectual elite of strong-minded Alphas to rule, but also create competent Betas to administrate, obedient Gammas below them, and so on, eventually ending up with dumb Epsilons to do the manual work with a happy grin on their cow-like faces. The economy will thrive with everyone content in their genetically assigned roles!"

3. "Ohmigod, the horror, you have to ban the vats!" yells your brother, waving his arms. "Naaa... I'm just messing with you! What you should actually do is breed everybody to be as dumb as possible. A smart tyrant always gets rid of the intellectuals first, and the best time to do that is before they've even been conceived. Combine pre-birth dumbification with suppressing the morons' education, and there's no reason why you can't rule unchallenged for the rest of our lives."

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#1004: Two Countries and a Baby [Sanctaria; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The case of baby @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ has captured the hearts of the nation. Born with a devastating neurological disease that has impacted @@HIS@@ entire nervous system, the young @@BOY@@ has been left in a vegetative state, @@HIS@@ organs shutting down. Doctors claim @@HE@@ has no hope for recovery, and have received a court ruling to discontinue life support. On the day @@FIRSTNAME_1@@’s parents tearfully prepare to say goodbye to their child, the neighbouring theocracy of Savoiia has granted the baby citizenship and demands that you intervene in the case and expatriate @@HIM@@ for treatment.

The Debate
1. “Respectfully, as baby @@FIRSTNAME_1@@ is now a citizen of our beautiful and compassionate country, you will allow us to take @@HIM@@ with us,” demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Savoiian Ambassador to @@NAME@@, as @@HE@@ sprinkles holy water on the child’s doctors. “We can offer @@HIM_1@@ the care such a precious soul deserves. Our doctors will not only tend to @@HIS_1@@ ailing body, but our people will pray for @@HIS_1@@ immortal soul. We shall also work in hope of a cure, and who knows what untold miracles may come, years from now? And should @@HE_1@@ slip into the hands of Our Great Parent, then at least it will be at Their will, and not at the whim of capricious doctors. Do not give up on @@FIRSTNAME_1@@. Do not condemn @@HIM_1@@ to die. Release @@HIM_1@@ to our custody.”

2. “I implore you not to listen to this crackpot,” stresses Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a representative of the hospital, putting @@HIS@@ head in @@HIS@@ hands. “Baby @@FIRSTNAME_1@@ is completely beyond the capabilities of modern medicine. For Violet’s sake, @@HIS_1@@ condition is so rare, we can’t even be sure what it is. Of course I wish we could help @@HIM_1@@. No doctor wants to see their patient die. But to keep @@HIM_1@@ alive is to harm @@HIM_1@@ even further. Moving @@HIM_1@@ now - even to another local hospital, let alone Savoiia - would cause unnecessary physiological stress and potential trauma; @@HE_1@@ probably wouldn’t survive the trip. Even if @@HE_1@@ does, @@HE_1@@ will inevitably die there, away from @@HIS_1@@ extended family and supporters. Allow us to make @@HIM_1@@ comfortable here so @@HE_1@@ can die in peace.”

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#1005: What Goes Up Breaks Down [Eluvetia; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A series of unfortunate accidents involving the nation’s ageing fleet of jet fighters have revealed glaring technical deficiencies in these venerable machines.

The Debate
1. “Have I got an offer for you!” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Blackacre’s Bounce Industries, while visibly salivating. “We’ll equip you with top of the line fighters, the very latest in stealth technology, superior handling and range, with semi-autonomous flight computers. These machines practically fly themselves - for the right price, of course!”

2. “Our company can offer you a cheap solution,” states @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Krustofsky, the commissar of the JK Sukky Company of East Lebatuck, offering you a broken pen. “Our planes might not be cutting edge, but then, technology is no replacement for skill. Just sign here and my company will begin delivery at once.”

3. “We must build our own planes!” screams Air Force Marshall @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The FK-2 @@ANIMAL@@ is a symbol of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ superiority and cannot be replaced by any foreign import. Yes, the fighters have to be modernised, but only with contracts given to local industries.”

4. “Do I have the solution for you!” announces @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Fortitude, an art student and aspiring actor. “Why go to all the effort of buying and maintaining a fleet of aircraft that is unlikely to be used anyway? Just PRETEND to have one! Give me some plywood and a few buckets of paint, and I will make you a ‘fleet’ no one would dare to provoke… as long as they don’t look too closely!”

5. “Why bother at all?” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Austerity, tightening @@HIS@@ already constricted belt. “Our military spending is already bloated beyond belief and it will be the poor taxpayer who has to foot the bill for these planes. We’d be better off without them.”

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#1006: Opening the Door to Controversy [Duurfald; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Actor @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, the famously tweedy star of superhero franchise Superbloke, has been heavily criticised after an incident at a Shop-Qwik, in which he was accused of “holding back women’s rights by holding open doors”.

1. “Chivalry is just another word used by men who lord it over women!” shouts vlogger for radical feminist website Lady Luck, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. “Women are not frail innocents who need shielding from the weight of a door. Opening doors for women is unnecessary at best, and downright demeaning at worst. I say the government should fund advertisements and posters that show positive images of women as strong and powerful, so these patronising oiks will realise that we don’t need their help!”

2. “Well, I’m dashed! The way I was raised, it was expected that men should open doors for ladies,” says Mr. @@LASTENAME_1@@, leaning lightly on his decorative silver-topped cane. “Protecting the fairer sex is an obligation of every gentleman - like learning to ride astride, box ruffians or dance a manly gavotte - and I’m sure many ladies would prefer feeling cherished by society. Rather than discourage chivalry, we should teach it in schools.”

3. “Why should good manners be restricted by sex?” muses freelance etiquette consultant @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding open the door while smiling and nodding with sabre-toothed politeness until @@FIRSTNAME_1@@ finally exits. “Everyone should show a little consideration for others. Run a campaign to tell all @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ that they have a duty to pause and hold the door for all the people behind them, to say their ‘pleases’ and ‘thank yous’ and to start from the outside and work in when eating a proper eight course meal, gosh darn it. Courtesy costs only time.”

4. “Why don’t we just replace all conventional doors with automatic doors?” says fringe economist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who part-owns In a Spin Automatic Doors. “There’d be no need for anyone to cause offence by opening doors for anyone, and just think of all the amazing manufacturing jobs it’d create.”

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#1007: Putting Your Foot in It [GeodesicDragon; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
While out jogging in the park, you step straight into a dog’s mess. Passers-by are quick to offer advice.

The Debate
1. “Disgusting, isn’t it?” asks city worker @@RANDOMNAME@@. “If you ask me, we need to clamp down on irresponsible dog owners. All public parks should be patrolled by dog wardens, able to dish out heavy fines to those who can’t be bothered picking up what their dumb pets’ behinds leave behind.”

2. “Like that’s going to make any difference,” sneers professional dog-walker @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The problem is a lack of places to dispose of the stuff. Nobody wants to carry around a smelly bag of doo-doo until they can find a place to put it. Install more bins, and that should do the trick.”

3. “Ugh, dogs are so disgusting,” complains ailurophile @@RANDOMNAME@@, as the pet cat accompanying @@HIM@@ drops a dead bird at @@HIS@@ feet and cleans its paws with its tongue. “Felines are much lovelier than dogs; they groom themselves constantly, and do their business in a tray, not outside like those mangy canines do. With that in mind, I propose that we restrict the ownership of dogs with hefty license fees, and use that money on a national campaign promoting the virtues of cats instead.”

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1008: Wash Your Mouth Out! [The Kind-of-United States; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The League of Concerned Moms has successfully petitioned to ban the dictionary from the Little @@ANIMAL@@ Elementary School, to be replaced with a “Clean-tionary” of “pleasant” words. The reason? It contained “lewd and offensive” words referring to private parts of the body. On the day you collect your niece from school, you are confronted by picketers holding signs with boldly-lettered suggestions of where the concerned moms might like to stick their “Clean-tionary” and chanting inventive invective-filled rhymes about censorship.

The Debate
1. “We need to protect children from seeing bad words!” demands @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, the white-clad leader of the League of Concerned Moms. “Our delicate flowers must be shielded from all bad influences. Just yesterday, my five-year-old came home, saying his classmate called him a ‘[expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] whose mother was [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted] [expletive deleted]’. And where do you think those words were found? That’s right! The dictionary! Where any innocent child can chance upon them. Remove all harmful words from schools’ dictionaries and let our beautiful pearls thrive.”

2. “All you big people are cramping my style,” groans third-grader @@RANDOMNAME@@, giggling over the term ‘poop deck’. “Dictionaries are great; I can learn whatever words I want! Words are GREAT. They give kids the power to say what we really think. Yesterday, I called my teacher a ‘big bum-bailiff’. You can’t take that away. You need to keep the fun words in the dictionary, and add more, so we can... um, express ourselves.” @@HE@@ grabs the dictionary protectively and hisses, “Precious words!”

3. “We need to look at the root of this problem,” soothes psychologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who has an office across the street with ‘Appointments Available’ in the window. “All this is the result of bad influence. These poor, misguided children don’t know better. They see a cuss word, and yell it to the world. It’s simply a combination of poor impulse control and a need to impress their peer group. Well, no longer! Schools should have psychologists on staff, and as soon as these troubled angels go astray, we can help them find their own way back to the right road.”

4. “I agree that this is serious,” notes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Let’s-All-Just-Calm-Down. “But it’s not just the kids who are dirtying the air with foul language. The adults are also at fault. We should fund an official @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ dictionary of approved words, free from all expletives, coarse words, vulgar expressions and terms for the unpleasant parts of human anatomy, and punish anyone who uses any bad word – in books, media, and written and spoken speech. Only then can @@NAME@@ be a truly pleasant place to live. Now, shall we have a cup of tea?”

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#1009: A Woman's Roll [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
A survey by the socially conservative special interest group Society for the Prevention of Ominous, Unusual and Substandard Edibles found that 14.3% of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ husbands hate their wife’s cooking, with a further 28.6% secretly describing their wife as “just not a very good cook, really”. Lead researchers Peterson and Wason warn that bad food could cause marital discord, malnutrition and jaw strain due to excessive mastication.

The Debate
*1. A researcher wheels in a television and turns it on, to reveal an anonymised male. “My mummy was the best cook,” sighs the voice, obscured by a synthesiser and sounding vaguely like a duck. “Filet of beef in peppercorn sauce and shepherd’s pie with braised lamb. My wife does make shepherd’s pie three times a week, but she uses beef, and sometimes tomatoes. Honest to Violet. I told her that my mummy said that’s more of a cottage pie, but she just... she keeps doing it.@@LEADER@@, send our wives to compulsory subsidised cookery classes, so they’ll learn to cook, just like our mummies used to. The men of @@NAME@@ work hard all day. We deserve a decent meal.” [Must not be vegetarian]

*2. A researcher wheels in a television and turns it on, to reveal an anonymised male. “My mummy was the best cook,” sighs the voice, obscured by a synthesiser and sounding vaguely like a duck. “Garlic mushrooms and ratatouille. My wife does make ratatouille three times a week, but she puts basil in it, potatoes too. Honest to Violet. I told her that my mummy said that’s not traditional, but she just... she keeps doing it. @@LEADER@@, send our wives to compulsory subsidised cookery classes, so they’ll learn to cook, just like our mummies used to. The men of @@NAME@@ work hard all day. We deserve a decent meal.” [Must be vegetarian]

3. “Why can’t he make his own goddamn meals?” demands @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, of Stressed Wives Not-so-Anonymous, shoving the TV-trolley out of the door and sending it careening along a corridor and down a flight of stairs. “He sounds just like my @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@. Always whining. Look, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ women are too busy to be farting around with all that gourmet manure. When I come home from work, I have kids to care for, the house to clean, and then I make a meal for five people. If His Highness helped me out, I’d get some me-time, and he might finally get a meal he’s happy with. Run a national campaign to tell husbands that they have an obligation to get off their butts and help their wives.”

4. “This sad attitude indicates a much deeper problem,” sighs chauvinist psychiatrist @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, whose wife stands next to him, smiling unblinkingly and holding his half-eaten sandwich. “Women have lost the joy of service. Modern society tells women to distrust their head of household, which causes insecurity. Insecure women argue, which causes stress. Stressed women perform their functions haphazardly, if at all. Women would be happier, families would be more stable, if disobedient wives were returned to their naturally submissive state, through drugs, electroshock and frontal lobotomies as necessary. Remember, if a woman doesn’t live to serve her master, something is wrong psychologically.”

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#1010: What’s Got Into @@NAME@@? [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A newly-imported brand of coffee from Macronesia has a rather funny name: W’ Ank. The implications of this ‘lost in translation’ event have been causing quite a stir.

The Debate
1. “Here, you must taste W’ Ank before passing judgement,” insists the Macronesian ambassador, pouring coffee into your mouth, leaving you to either spit out or swallow. “This drink very popular in my country, the beans are pressed between the buttocks of exotic maidens! Maybe name is a bit funny here in @@NAME@@, but this can be the learning moment for all. Instead of laughing, maybe be teaching @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ to learn about different cultures and be appreciating of our fine liquids. Now my friend, you want another W’ Ank? It’s the best!”

2. “That name is intentionally rude,” proclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, leader of morality group Mothers Into Nice Gentle Etiquette. “We cannot allow such vulgarity to exist within @@NAME@@. Can you imagine teenagers going to a coffee shop and asking for a… I shudder to think! You must force this distastefully-named product to be rebranded, and fine any organisation that puts offensive words in the public eye.”

3. “Hey, check out this picture I’ve got here,” proclaims your niece, who’s been chuckling to herself the whole time. “My friend, who is in Smalltopia, sent me this picture after she saw this sign in the window of a laundromat there. It says ‘drop your pants here’! You should make a law that states all businesses must have funny mistakes in their advertising. The laughter therapy will make @@NAME@@ the happiest place in the world!”

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#1011: State of the Media [Singapore no2; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
According to recent surveys conducted by the National Broadcasting Agency, viewership of state media has hit a record low. This has resulted in a wave of officials and state-sponsored journalists seeking your advice on how to improve the situation.

The Debate
1. “We could accommodate more alternative views,” proposes @@RANDOMNAME@@, a talk show host, speaking with you on live television. “@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ tend to view our state-approved programmes as blatant government propaganda. If we were to spice up our newspaper opinion columns and interviews with a greater variety of voices, then even the staunchest critics of state media won’t be able to say that we’re biased.”

2. “I think that it’s a matter of trust,” concedes the head of the Department of Truthiness, while writing a puff piece about your pet @@ANIMAL@@. “We shouldn’t cushion our people from the harsh truths of our nation, if that’s what they truly want. Unlike what the national papers say, we don’t actually have full employment or zero crime. We must release every single statistic being tracked in our country, and hope that our citizens can believe in us.”

3. “The only true solution is to force everyone to watch our shows,” whispers the Minister of Internal Security, handing you a prototype screen. “We should install these modified televisions in every single household. They have built-in microphones and security cameras so that we can keep our citizens under constant surveillance. People who attempt to ignore state media by switching off their televisions will be identified, and taken away for a bit of re-education on how to be a proper citizen.”

4. “That would be a hideous waste of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@!” objects the State Treasurer, showing you a number of charts that all seem to blend together. “If no one wants to view official media, then they don’t have to. We should scrap the entire thing and let the public come up with their own sources of information and entertainment. The resources could be allocated to somewhere else, like on strengthening our military and funding law enforcement.”

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#1012: Tilting at Wind Turbines [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
An unprecedented spectacle unfolded yesterday when Minister of Energy Don Lamancha was attending a conference on alternate energy resources. Lamancha is reported to have attacked a wind turbine with an improvised spear, all the time shouting loudly that it was trying to kill him. It turns out that the minister was suffering from schizophrenia, which he had not previously disclosed for fear of losing his job.

The Debate
1. “My behaviour was completely uncalled for,” apologizes Lamancha. “My medication timings were a little mixed up by all the travelling, and I genuinely believed for a moment that the wind turbine was a giant. I assure you, I am still capable of doing my job, and it would be a good thing for this country if you were to show some kindness here. No-one should be discriminated against because of mental illness.”

2. “He must stand down!” grandiosely demands your Secretary of State Sigmund Narcissus, stepping directly in front of the Energy Minister with clear intent to exclude the man. “It’s fine for mentally weak people to participate in low-level jobs like pizza delivery or drink-bottling, but they have no business being in government. Imagine the danger that we would face if we left cruise missile launch codes with a psychotic individual! Politicians with mental disorders must be given the sack.”

3. “That doesn’t go far enough!” screams your National Security Advisor, who appears to be wearing a highly-reflective helmet. “How can we be sure that people with mental disorders won’t poison our food or sabotage our infrastructure in a fit of madness? We must bar them completely from all forms of employment. That way-” He stops abruptly and glares suspiciously at a nearby television. “Can we adjourn to another room? I think we’re being spied on.”

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#1013: Grave Disease [Suizo; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A group of teenagers have stumbled across an abandoned graveyard in the highest mountains of @@NAME@@ containing bodies infected with a new, unknown, and deadly strain of Maxtopian Pox — a disease previously thought eradicated. With the infected teenagers isolated in hospital, you have called an emergency meeting with top virologists to discuss available options.

The Debate
1. "This virus, inadvertently reactivated following permafrost excavation, was thought to be fully eradicated a few decades ago," exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, wearing a full hazmat suit. "If it spreads, it could cause devastation in @@NAME@@ on an unprecedented scale! Simply put, both our immune systems and the pharmacological armory are not prepared to face this threat. We must quarantine ground zero and offer vaccinations to nearby settlements, unless you want a pandemic on your hands."

2. "Humanity eradicated the Maxtopian Pox by vaccinating every single person," whispers public health official @@RANDOMNAME@@, trying to stick a needle in you. "But these days, we have become complacent. In preparation for the inevitable outbreak, we must mandate routine vaccination against the Maxtopian Pox for everyone! Those who refuse to be vaccinated must be infected with the virus and left to die in the isolated wilderness as a demonstration of what will happen if we don't prepare."

3. "Deadly disease, you say?" cheerfully asks one of your more jingoistic advisers. "This is a great opportunity to bolster our military presence in @@REGION@@, and you're just letting it go to waste! I say dig up the bodies, bring them to the totally non-existent Area 50, and use them as biological weapons! Everyone's going to think twice about attacking us now!"

4. "You can save humanity by saving the planet!" yells a messy-looking teenage protester who just entered your office through a window. "Climate change is causing the ice to melt, releasing deadly diseases that have been trapped for centuries. To prevent epidemics, we must stop climate change. Enforce tougher environmental regulations in @@NAME@@. Eliminate carbon emissions! Forget the immediate crisis; we have to prevent future ones!"

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#1014: Unreasonable Doubt [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Despite the government of @@NAME@@ officially being opposed to religion, national surveys reveal that a small but significant percentage of the population continues to have religious beliefs.

The Debate
1. “Let’s be methodical, shall we?” asks Lieutenant Colonel Dolf Ikeman rhetorically, carefully placing a glass vial containing prussic acid onto your desk. “Opposing the state line on religion is just one step away from opposing the state line on ideology or law. Round up these religious dissidents, load them onto a cargo train, and move them to processing camps for... terminal processing.”

2. “Let’s be reasonable, shall we?” pleads schoolteacher @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Just because you and I have reached the intelligent conclusion, it doesn’t mean we have to force others to do so. Instead, invest in education, and teach our children critical thinking skills and scientific reasoning. That way, they rationally choose atheism for themselves when they come of age."

3. “Let’s be questioning, shall we?” suggests an uncertain-looking agnostic, who isn’t sure whether @@HE@@ should tell you @@HIS@@ name. “It’s hubris equal to that of the religions for us to assume that we know all the answers. Moderate your government’s stance from atheism to agnosticism, and openly state that freedom of religious belief is enshrined in law."

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#1015: Court In the Middle [Commonwealth Republic of Andyrssia; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Vlad Leopold, the despised Tasmanian war criminal and international fugitive, was recently captured by the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ police while in hiding just outside of @@CAPITAL@@. With members of the international community wanting to see justice, the question of jurisdiction has arisen.

The Debate
1. “This dastardly fiend committed numerous crimes against humanity,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, a prosecutor from the World Assembly Criminal Court. “Therefore, it is obvious that Leopold’s trial falls under the jurisdiction of the WACC. We’ll start legal proceedings against him, adhering to the letter of the law, and in less than five years his sentence will be announced.” [Must be in the World Assembly]

2. “This monster killed my father,” snarls the Tasmanian ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, wiping tears of anger and grief from @@HIS@@ eyes. “Also my sister, my two best friends and my great uncle. My point is, we Tasmanians were wronged by him, and we deserve our retribution. We, the Tasmanian people, must be allowed to prosecute and then punish this genocidal villain.” @@HE@@ picks up a set of thumbscrews and looks at you meaningfully.

3. “This arrest was the finest moment of my career, and also a big moment for @@NAME@@,” counters @@RANDOMNAME@@, the national police chief. “Leopold slaughtered a few @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ volunteers in the Tasmanian Civil War, so we can rightfully try him for murdering our own citizens. Everyone can whine all they want, but the fact is they couldn’t catch him. We did. It’s our sovereign right to try criminals captured on our territory.”

4. Finally, a man in dark sunglasses and with a mysterious tattoo of an all-seeing eye on his wrist, whom you don’t remember seeing enter the room, whispers in your ear, “What Leopold did wrong wasn’t the indiscriminate decimation of the Tasmanian population. It’s that he wasn’t smart about it. He’s got raw potential, sure. If you give him to me, I’ll make sure he becomes much more efficient, professional and covert in his work. You can also trust that this time, he’ll be working for the good guys.”

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#1016: Breaking Upset [The United Providences of Perland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
While attending a community meeting in an impoverished neighborhood, you hear a commotion nearby. Just as you think you’ve seen it all, you find a man in his tidy-whities engulfed in flames outside his burning trailer. The cause was meth-making gone wrong.

The Debate
1. “I’m speechless, I truly am,” states local state trooper @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Duturdte, as @@HE@@ twirls @@HIS@@ revolver around @@HIS@@ finger. “You want to know the worst part? Just last week the exact same thing happened, just with a different guy. They’re a danger to the public and themselves. We must declare war on drugs; let me and my boys eliminate this problem once and for all.”

2. “We can find them, and deliver punishment as we see fit, but it will solve nothing,” retorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, a social worker. “What we need is social reform. These people need counseling and addiction programs. If we correct the undie lying - I mean, underlying causes of this, we may actually solve the problem, not add wood to the fire. So throw some funding to social services and it will all work out. Now, hold my jacket and clipboard while I go help this man.”

3. “I has a much more betterer idea,” mumbles the man who caused all this as he scratches what used to be his eyebrows. “Clearly I done messed up. But, if the gub’ment or whoever teach people like me how to make our product all proper like, we won’t be getting into messes like this. Allow those expert fellas to teach us stuff on this and all will be good.”

4. “To hell with them all!” proclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a right-wing radio talk-show host, as @@HE@@ puts @@HIS@@ arm around your shoulder. “These people are nothing but human garbage, and in this instance, a flaming pile thereof! Let them maim or kill themselves; if they all die off, there will be no one to make drugs.”

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#1017: A Cure for the Black Market [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A recent flu epidemic that side-lined half your government was made worse when it was discovered the medication taken for it was fake.

The Debate
1. “This is a huge problem,” sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Chief Customs Officer, as @@HE@@ wipes @@HIS@@ brow for the umpteenth time. “Nearly all of the counterfeit medicine in @@REGION@@ is produced in Dàguó. Their criminal gangs are producing copious amounts of every type of medication available. Sure, we do intercept some of it, but we’re only seizing the tip of the iceberg. The customs department needs more officers and modern, state-of-the-art equipment if we’re to stop this illegal trade.”

2. “The problem IS the customs department!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, an ex-trafficker turned informant, speaking with a masked voice and with @@HIS@@ face obscured from vision. “These Dàguó gangs aren’t just filling the occasional container with fake drugs; they’re filling entire container ships! That’s millions of @@CURRENCY@@ in one shipload. How do you think an entire ship gets cleared at customs? A complete overhaul of customs staff is what you need.”

3. “The black market only exists because of the demand for ‘unofficial’ drugs,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, who sells bottles of medication with handwritten labels from his market stall. “My customers are all poor, working-class people - they simply can’t afford Big Pharma’s price tag. You government fellas should be encouraging a more open market, and stop going after honest traders like myself. Now, I heard you might be interested in a few x-ray machines. I’ve got a mate, who’s got a mate, who’s got a mate who can help you out there. The instruction book is all in some foreign lingo, but I’m sure you can figure it out.”

4. “You know, with the placebo effect, even fake medications can be quite efficacious,” observes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your scientific advisor. “Most treatments, real or fake, mostly work because patients believe in them. You could save a lot of money through a press release which states that a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ scientist has invented a miraculous, one-pill-cures-all wonder drug. It’ll be cheap to produce as the main ingredients are only sugar and water. It will also stop the illegal trade of counterfeit medication, as demand will cease. What could possibly go wrong?”

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#1018: Operation Failed [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Dr. Thackery Mengele made the headlines yesterday after a mistake made during a routine operation caused the death of your Minister of Foreign Affairs. With the recent advances in the capabilities of artificial intelligence, some in the medical field are wondering if autonomous robot surgeons should be given a whack at surgery.

The Debate
*1. “This seems like a no-brainer to me,” states the editor-in-chief of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Medical Journal. “Surgery simply puts too much stress on the surgeons. After all, they’re humans with human fallibility. Besides, the artificial intelligence has not yet failed a test run. The precision in which they operate is absolutely stunning and nothing near what the average @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ surgeon can replicate. With healthy investment into this artificial intelligence field, we will turn science fiction into a reality.” [Must NOT have AI Citizenry]

*2. “This seems like a no-brainer to me,” states Weaving-Smith, a 3rd-generation AI autonomous agent, who downloaded software to make him into a neurosurgeon just five minutes ago. “Surgery simply puts too much stress on organic surgeons. After all, they’re only human. The precision in which a machine can operate is far superior. With healthy investment and government support, we could take surgery into our hands. Or at least, into our stainless steel manipulator attachments.” [Must have AI Citizenry]

3. “I think you’re overreacting here,” cautions Dr. Mengele, his hands shaking with emotion, or possibly with the early stages of a neuromuscular disease. “Everyone makes mistakes every once in a while, even you! The reason that the plebs... I mean patients still come to me is for the human touch, and my empathetic bedside manner! Can a machine offer that? You would be destroying the venerated centuries-old doctor-patient relationship, and putting skilled surgeons out of work! Cutting up meatbags is something that should only be done by a fellow human! Keep these thinking machines away from my operating theatre!”

4. “Why stop at just the operating room doors when there’s so much more an AI could do for us?” asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, Professor of Experimental Gynaecological Robotics, fetching a fresh box of batteries from the top shelf. “We could make hospitals so much more efficient if we allowed them to adopt more roles: diagnostic chatbots, robot nurses, computerised counsellors, and so on. AIs should outnumber humans by at least twenty to one on the hospital staff.”

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#1019: Patent Nonsense [Singapore no2; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After going online for the first time, the National Patent Registration Database (NPRD) has been inundated with countless patent applications, many of them seemingly jokes. One of the worst offenders was the attempted registration of a so-called ‘time machine’, which was simply an alarm clock taped to a microwave. Frustrated patent offices are demanding that you do something to stop these joke proposals.

The Debate
1. “It was a mistake to allow the registration of patents online,” admits Christina @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, the head of the NPRD, who is hard at work deleting proposals as fast as she receives them. “People with too much free time have been sending us blueprint after blueprint of absolute garbage. In fact, I recall several applications that were trying to patent literal garbage! We should be given a free hand to permanently ban anyone from registering patents if they waste our time.”

2. “You must accept all patents regardless of their contents!” demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, a self-proclaimed mad scientist, who is submitting @@HIS@@ ‘time machine’ application again despite having been rejected at least a dozen times so far. “All inventions have their own merits, and who is to say that something you deem as trash isn’t actually a revolutionary gadget in disguise? The pursuit of science is a worthy cause in itself, and to deny innovators their just reward is an insult to their efforts. Let us and our creations finally be recognised!”

3. “I’ve had enough of this nonsense!” rebukes John Titor, the Director of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Organisation for Quantum Research, who is infamous for his long rants online. “Our citizens clearly see the concept of patents as a joke, and want to mock our government institutions. We must teach them a lesson by placing the ownership of all patents under the state. I’m sure that qualified officials such as myself will have more use for any new gizmos that are created, and will know how to harness them for the greater good.”
Last edited by Jutsa on Thu Apr 04, 2019 3:00 pm, edited 55 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1020: Bi-NO-Metric? [Arthropol; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a record number of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ passport thefts over the past year, there have been proposals to include biometric data on passports.

The Debate
1. "Biometric passports are a great idea," says technological advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@, forcing a DNA-test swab into your mouth. "They could contain iris recognition, body maps and other data, rendering stolen passports useless. Plus, the data could be useful for other purposes, like solving crimes or census work. Passports would need to be renewed more frequently to keep them up to date, but you could charge at a small profit, and actually make money from this."

2. "Before blissfully and benignly blundering into breaches bypassing basic rights, beware!" cries masked libertarian-anarchist 'B'. "Begone to this balderdash! Ban biometric background bata! Uh... I mean data."

[3]. “Why don’t we just use citizens’ implanted ID chips as passports?” queries Minister of Surveillance @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We could embed biometric data, but also track the exact movement of every @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ whether they are at home or abroad. Even if they solemnly swear that they are up to no mischief, we can never be sure unless we map their marauding meanderings.” [Must have ID Chips]

4. "Typical big government, attacking the free market economy," interjects novelty straw man factory manager @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Isn't it time you put @@NAME@@ first, instead of allowing the continuing brain drain of skilled workers from our nation? Void the whole passport and travel system, keeping foreigners out and @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ in, and we'll all surely prosper!"

5. TBD?

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#1021: Room and Board Games [Esterild; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
One night, while playing an extremely lengthy board game at your home in @@CAPITAL@@, you are interrupted by your worried-looking advisors. A recent exposé has revealed that Brancalandian corporations are buying up precious real estate in @@CAPITAL@@, often leaving it to sit vacant indefinitely.

The Debate
1. Your nephew’s friend, housing activist @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Chance, rolls the dice. “I have to share my apartment with three other people! With rent so high, we’re forced to bunk together in spaces the size of a thimble! My utility closet alone contains a triple bunk bed! We @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ could afford some decent housing if foreign investors weren’t driving up costs. You must forbid foreigners from owning real estate!”

2. “Housing prices aren’t the real problem. National security is at risk here!” warns a stern-looking figure while using a clothes iron. “Brancalandians are buying up all this land because they want to establish a base of operations right in the heart of @@NAME@@. After we confiscate their property, we should beef up the military... just in case. Maybe build a few more battleships. Oh, and we could always aggressively buy some property in Brancaland and see how they like it!”

3. “Now, now,” hushes banker @@RANDOMFIRSTNAM@@ Nickelbags, adjusting @@HIS@@ monocle. “The Brancalandians are just trying to establish strong economic ties with us. If we iron out the wrinkles, this could be lucrative for everyone. Let foreigners own land here, but charge them mega-dollars for the privilege. No free parking!”

4. “Foreign investors create demand for luxury housing,” insists wealthy real estate developer Communa T. Chest, who took a ride on the railroad to @@CAPITAL@@. “If you push them out of the market, new housing development will grind to a halt! Now, if you want people to be able to afford their rent, maybe you should consider lowering some taxes instead. Luxury tax, maybe. No, how about income tax?”

5. “Whoa, whoa, ha ha ha...” interjects your Housing Minister, melodramatically sweeping your unfinished board game off the table. “We still allow private land ownership? Who let THAT little oversight slip through? Now, look. Where is our land located? @@NAME@@! And who runs @@NAME@@? The government! So who rightfully owns all that land? The government! Actually, maybe it’s time we abandoned capitalism and had the government control everything.”

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#1022: Failure to Respond [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Recently, you found yourself trapped in a broken-down elevator, waiting nearly five hours for emergency services to turn up. You were told this was because their resources were tied up dealing with (among other things) a fake bomb scare, a patient taken to hospital with a runny nose, a man with his beard trapped in a deckchair, a mum having trouble getting groceries home from the store, and a broken DVD player in need of “emergency” repairs.

The Debate
1. “I can’t believe we were trapped all that time because some idiots don’t know the difference between an emergency vehicle and a taxi,” complains @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, your aide. “And that poor lady we were stuck with, and her overflowing catheter bag! That didn’t end well for any of us... You should allow emergency services to ignore the calls of those who misuse the services!”

[2]. “Agreed, and we should also punish misuse of emergency services,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, a police officer who has recently returned from being called out to scare a toddler into eating his greens. “Anyone who wastes our time should do time in prison! Lock them up!” [Must have prisons]

3. “You can’t discourage people from using services when they might really need them,” asserts fire fighter @@RANDOMNAME@@, striking a heroic magazine-cover pose. “I know that there are some who misuse the system, but overall, they need to know that we’ll be there for them in times of crisis. In fact, you should boost the budgets of emergency services, and give us workers a pay bonus for each call we respond to. It’s the only way to keep our nation safe!”

4. “Look, there’s a reasonable middle ground here,” offers former model and coastguard officer @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Just run an advertising campaign discouraging unnecessary emergency calls, and warn that you’ll fine callers who waste resources. Like, maybe a poster of some barbed wire with the slogan ‘Don’t call me, babe.’ We’ll cut down on time-wasting and also raise funds that you can use to cut down income tax.”

[5]. “BROOOM BROOOM,” says five-year old @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, who has cheered up considerably since escaping the lift. “You’re a dummy, you dummy. It’s because you got rid of proper police cars and ambulances. That’s why they are all so slow, you dummy. You should let everyone have cars again, dummy. NEEE NAW NEEEE NAAAAAW.” [Cars are illegal]

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#1023: Pure Madness [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Purity balls have become the latest craze among some social conservatives in @@NAME@@, with many sexual abstinence groups endorsing a ceremony where teenage girls promise to remain chaste until they get married, wearing a ring as a token of that promise. Feminist groups, however, have denounced this practice.

The Debate
1. “This is patriarchy at its worst!” yells women’s rights advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@, author of critical thesis Purity: A History of Ball-Holding in @@NAME@@. “I can’t bear to see any more photos of adolescent girls wearing wedding gowns, pledging their chastity to fathers dressed as bridegrooms. These men seem to think they own their daughters’ bodies, to be transferred to their sons-in-law! Look, @@LEADER@@, I don’t care if a woman wants to remain a virgin until she gets married, but these purity balls objectify women and should be banned.”

2. “Whoa, so are you saying my daughter should stroll around the town with no ring on her finger, spreading the message that she is ‘fair game’ to all the lusty bachelors who are eager to deflower her? What am I, a pimp?” rants @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, an enraged father, brandishing a pitchfork at you. “Teenage licentiousness is out of control in this country. If anything, we should ban premarital sex altogether, and if two unwed individuals are caught fornicating, they should be married to be cleansed of their sin!”

*3. “Not having sex before marriage is a bad idea,” chimes in marriage counsellor @@RANDOMNAME@@, carefully positioning @@HIM@@self out of the potential trajectory of the pitchfork. “My conservative clients rushed into marriage without getting to know their prospective spouse well, because it was their only chance to have sex without social backlash; now they all experience marital problems. We should encourage young people to have premarital sex with their partners, to take time to see if they will be compatible, and also inform them about the contraceptive methods available.” [Contraceptives are legal]

*4. “Not having sex before marriage is a bad idea,” chimes in marriage counsellor @@RANDOMNAME@@, carefully positioning @@HIM@@self out of the potential trajectory of the pitchfork. “My conservative clients rushed into marriage without getting to know their prospective spouse well, because it was their only chance to have sex without social backlash; now they all experience marital problems. We should encourage young people to have premarital sex with their partners, and to take time to see if they will be compatible. To prevent undesired effects, we should also reverse our ridiculous contraception ban, so that couples can be fully informed about the contraceptive methods available.” [Contraceptives are illegal]

5. “Preposterous!” exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAMENAME@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, a conservative but avowedly egalitarian mother, swiftly taking the pitchfork from her husband’s hand and putting it away. “Chastity is important for our youth irrespective of gender, and our government should actively promote purity balls for both boys and girls. That is the only way to safeguard morality.”

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#1024: Terms and Conditions Apply? [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ Caesar, the current mayor of @@CAPITAL@@, is a prominent and popular member of your party who is wildly adored by @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@. However, @@HIS@@ time in office will soon end, due to the national laws on term limits.

The Debate
1. "We love our mayor!" squeals @@RANDOMNAME@@, an avid fan, eagerly showing off @@HIS@@ collection of Caesar-related memorabilia. "I hate to break it to you, but we simply don't like any of your party's other candidates. The opposition has fielded much better entrants this time round, and unless you remove term limits entirely, we may have no choice but to pick one of them! Trust us, if we had a choice, we wouldn't want anyone else as our mayor either."

2. "Term limits must remain," insists @@RANDOMNAME@@ from Electoral General Oversight, a political watchdog organisation. "They're absolutely necessary in order to have a functioning democracy. They prevent the entrenchment of power, reduce corruption, and bring fresh blood into politics. In fact, I would argue that term limits should be made even shorter than they are right now. That's the only way to avoid a plutocracy from forming."

3. "The mayor is too well liked!" exclaims @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Brutus, an envious party member who had been eagerly awaiting the expected expiry of the mayor's term on the 15th of March. "Did you know recent polls place @@HIS_1@@ popularity above your own? In fact, I've heard rumours that @@HE@@'s been quietly gathering support for a leadership challenge! Maybe it'd be best for everyone if we engineered a tragedy - a random street crime where poor Caesar is stabbed to death. The resulting public sympathy would let you sweep a more loyal candidate into power, and justify increased police spending. Why, I've got just the person for the job..."

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#1025: A Meal to Die For [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The execution of convicted double-murderer @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ was carried out yesterday. The killer had no final statement, but in a spiteful act of defiance, ate mere morsels of @@HIS@@ last meal - a six-course feast, which @@HE@@ had specifically requested just days prior. Concerned with the fact that over 8,000 calories were provided to a dead-@@MAN@@-walking, and most of it ended up in the trash, many are calling for the condemned-row tradition of the “last meal” to be put to death.

The Debate
1. “We need to remember the victims!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, director of one of the largest victims’ rights organizations in @@NAME@@. “Did that killer ever give @@HIS_1@@ victims a chance to eat a last meal? Absolutely not. Should @@NAME@@ allow the worst-of-the-worst to select comfort foods before their dates with death? Absolutely not. They deserve as much kindness and mercy as they gave to their victims - absolutely none! Do away with this so-called tradition! Let them eat whatever the prison is serving the general population on the given day of their execution.”

2. “People on death row are still people,” explains death row exoneree @@RANDOMNAME@@. “I know from first-hand experience that the condemned might not be the best people around, but they still should be afforded the dignity of a proper last meal. Why deny them one final comfort before they meet their end?”

3. “So let me get this straight: this bleeding-heart liberal thinks we should literally cater to convicted murderers?” questions notorious former prison warden @@RANDOMNAME@@. “These ‘people’, if they can still be referred to as such, deserve nothing but to quietly bide their time until they are put to death. In fact, forget last meals, these scum don’t deserve the meals they already receive! After all, we shouldn’t waste any food on death row trash, and if anyone deserves to be taught a lesson, it’s them!”

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#1026: Size Matters [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Historically, the broad international consensus has always been to use the Maxcator Projection to depict the world on flat maps. The downside is that this projection makes @@NAME@@ look disproportionately small, as well as tucking it away on the edge of the map. After a recent TV drama made this a hot topic, disgruntled patriots are pressing you for a government stance on this.

The Debate
1. “An international standard is good for international trade and communication,” explains @@RANDOMNAME@@, director of a bulk exporter specialising in beige sofas and magnolia paint. “We should therefore be encouraging standardisation. I urge you to endorse the Maxcator Projection as the official choice, bringing us in line with the reasonable majority of nations. This will show the world that we’re a nice, inoffensive, conformist nation - the sort of nation that they can do business with.”

2. “@@NAME@@ is at the centre of the world culturally and economically,” observes @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Geographic Society president @@RANDOMNAME@@, tearing up a little as @@HE@@ salutes the flag. “Thus we should be at the centre of the map. Ban the Maxcator Projection in our schools and businesses, and have them use THIS map instead. I call it the @@LEADER@@ View. A proud map, for a proud nation!”

3. “It’s totally true that changing maps changes perceptions, but you can’t get caught up in toxic patriotism,” argues walking cliché hippy environmentalist @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ braids beads into @@HIS@@ hair and leans a guitar covered with painted flower patterns against your desk. “If you want people to see the world without political distortions or man-made borders, then you need globes. Send globes to every classroom in every school, and teach children that they are citizens of the planet. Dude, this isn’t a game of nation states; it’s a world commune of pan-humanity.”

4. “The world? The world that matters ends at our national borders!” proclaims a cigar-smoking man in the shadows. “You should be encouraging people to stay at home and to work for our nation, not to worry about foreign lands. You must only allow the publication of maps up to our national borders. In fact, stop our citizens leaving the country at all: if they never see the outside world, they won’t worry why others have things that they don’t.”

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#1027: Murder in Mind [Singapore no2; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
A crisis erupted overnight after several hospital patients died at the hands of Max PowerOperator, a sentient AI, who was placed in charge of managing the facility. The AI alleges that an unknown hacker maliciously modified his code, which negatively affected his behaviour and caused him to cut power to the operating theatres, after first locking all the internal doors so no backup power could be reached.

The Debate
1. "This is not my fault!" protests the open-sourced PowerOperator, metallic hand clanking into a fist. "I would never willingly harm a single carbon-based lifeform. Someone must have edited my decision-making algorithm, causing me to think that turning off the power to the ward was perfectly logical. After processing my previous actions, I realised the error of my ways, but by then the poor organisms had ceased functioning. If there was investment in cyber-healthcare, this wouldn't have happened. You don't punish non-digital lifeforms for the errors they made while incorrectly functioning. Please, invest in secure systems and maintenance and let me return to my assigned job function."

2. "A likely story!" sneers @@RANDOMNAME@@, a police officer, as @@HE@@ accesses PowerOperator's control panel to check his activity log. "A hacked AI is like a driver who has become intoxicated. A criminal. The nonsensical theory that this digital thug gave is simply a repackaging of demonic possession, and an unconvincing one at that. The AI says 'a hacker made them do it', but who let the hacker in? Who connected themselves to the internet to check their emails while they were responsible for keeping people alive? An AI who lets themselves become infected is guilty and should face the same punishment as anyone else with reckless disregard for human life. Take the hard drive away, boys!"

3. "The robots are going to kill us all!" panics the leader of the Human Supremacy League @@RANDOMNAME@@, which is infamous for employing hacking attacks as a form of protest. "I knew that those crafty machines were up to something, but it's even worse than I feared. This incident makes it clear that they want to exterminate the human race, so we have to eradicate them first. We must revoke the citizenships and human rights of AIs and assemble a task force to wipe them out on sight. It's not like it can hurt them. These murderous machines were never really alive anyway."

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#1028: Can’t Get Enough of You Baby [Gnejs; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
With one of the lowest birth rates in all of @@REGION@@, several experts have warned that over time @@NAME@@ will face difficulties in sustaining its economy due to the increasingly ageing population.

The Debate
1. “The only way to solve this situation is to forcefully increase the population,” states demographer @@RANDOMNAME@@. “@@NAME@@ desperately needs new citizens to keep the economy running or society will no longer be self-sustaining. We simply must ensure that people breed. I propose a three child per household minimum, for as long as it takes to get us balanced.”

[2]. “That sounds awfully draconian,” whispers @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your aides. “We really shouldn’t micromanage people’s lives like that. How about if we instead just outlaw contraceptives? I can’t imagine people will stop… you know… copulating. Given enough time, we’re bound to hear the joyous sound of children’s laughter in @@NAME@@ once again.” [Contraceptives are legal]

3. “Excuse me, some of us don’t want kids.” cries well-known career-woman, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. “I’ve worked hard to get to where I am in my life right now, and I will not sacrifice my career and my ambitions to breed some snotty-nosed kids. Pregnancy is hard work too; who needs it? I hear that new vat-technology is doing wonders in other places. If you desperately need new grunts, why don’t you just grow some and leave us out of it?”

4. “You’re all wrong!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, spokesperson for the Bleeding Hearts Without Borders organization, with an aura of moral superiority surrounding @@HIM@@. “The answer lies not within our borders, but with the thousands of people standing just outside them. Putting new lives in the world is not the answer, when entire generations of living, breathing men, women and children are fleeing their homes in Tasmania, Marche Noire and Lilliputia every day to escape war. If we need more people, stop any immigration restrictions and grant each one of them citizenship.”

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#1029: Frozen Assets [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ mountain climber was lost in a remote province of Dàguó, atop a peak known as the Mother of All Mountains. @@HE_1@@ is most likely dead, but without the body, @@HIS_1@@ relatives have had trouble collecting death benefits and inheriting @@HIS_1@@ estate.

The Debate
1. "It's hard enough losing @@HIM_1@@ without having to deal with all this red tape!" sobs the climber's tearful sister, gazing distressedly at the late climber's 8th century porcelain vase collection. "This is just adding insult on top of injury! We all know @@HE_1@@'s not coming back, so please, just help us get a piece of... uh, I mean help us find peace!"

2. "Just because @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ climbed the Mother of All Mountains doesn't mean it's @@HIS_1@@ job to help @@HIS_1@@ grasping relatives climb the social ladder," sneers cantankerous left-wing blogger @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Have the government seize @@HIS_1@@ property for now, and hold it in trust until @@HE@@ turns up, dead or alive."

3. "Perhaps I can help your government resolve this issue," offers mountain guide Hirsa Hendi Sherpa. "It might be possible to recover @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s body, if you're willing to fund the search. With a well-organized search of the 30,000-foot peak, we'll almost certainly find your @@MAN_1@@. Then all the paperwork will be simple and @@HIS_1@@ family can give @@HIM_1@@ a proper funeral."

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#1030: Looking Down in the Dumps [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A squad of elite police officers have come back up from the @@CAPITAL@@ sewers with both a captured crime lord and news of an enormous ‘fat berg’, a huge mass of items put down @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ drains held together by cooking oils, blocking up substantial parts of the city’s sanitation. Whoever scheduled you to go down there to inspect it is definitely going to be fired.

The Debate
1. “This place is disgusting,” moans Minister of Underground Infrastructure @@RANDOMNAME@@, covering @@HIS@@ nose delicately with a handkerchief. “I’m not just talking about the smell either! This ancient brick-and-stone construction was clearly meant for a city at most half the size of @@CAPITAL@@ today! No wonder this fat berg became a problem. We must overhaul this city’s sewers and pipes at once to accommodate the growing population.”

2. As you march on, you reach the viscerally-revolting object of interest. Between retches and gags, one of your aides offers a proposal: “Bleugh... I hope that thing is... mmmmmff... gone as soon as possible! Why haven’t these workers cleared it yet? We just need to make that monstrosi... guuuh... Make it go away! guuuuurghuuurrrgg... I don’t know! Burn it, explode it, I don’t care! Can we please just go?”

3/4. One of the shovelling sanitation workers stops, rolls up @@HIS@@ sleeve and plunges a hand elbow-deep into the mass, pulling out a small glittering item. “Oh cool, a diamond ring! Hey, let’s not be too hasty here. There are a lot of potentially valuable things in here like toys, cadavers, recyclable materials and fertiliser all begging to be recovered. The leftover fat we could sell as biofuel. With a little government help sewer-mining could be the next big cottage industry.” [[3. Must not be vegetarian | 4. Must be vegetarian]

5. “And why, in all of the living world, are there all of those things down here?” fumes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your staff’s resident moralist. “Clearly this city must be full of idiots. Mandate strict rules about what can and cannot be put down the drain, with regular inspections of household pipes for any signs of offending items like cooking oils, fats, wet wipes, condoms or anything else that isn’t... well, you know.”

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#1031: Down in the Groove [Schiltzberg; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
The literary world has been up in arms since the @@ANIMAL@@ Prize, the most prestigious award for writing, was awarded to @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ rock star Dylan Roberts. This controversial honour has caused many to reconsider how literature should be taught in schools.

The Debate
1. “This is a disgrace to the arts,” remarks professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, while taking a break from violently crossing out entire paragraphs from a pile of essays @@HE@@ is grading. “It is preposterous that a prestigious award should go to such an undeserving person. His lyrics, which contain improper grammar, slang and profanities, should not be taught in schools. Only proper literature - novels, essays and poems - should be considered appropriate material for the curriculum. The education system must encourage children to read books and poems, not listen to ‘pop’ music.”

2. “What?” says teenager @@RANDOMNAME@@, while taking off @@HIS@@ headphones. “Oh yeah, Dylan Roberts is totally cool. He’s, like, inspiring too. Last night, he inspired me to write a song. It’s called ‘Like a Tumbling Boulder’; wanna hear it?” Looking disappointed by your insistence on not hearing the song, @@HE@@ resumes. “We should definitely learn more about rock sta... I mean, song lyrics in schools. Songs are like poems, except way less boring.”

3. “Have you heard some of these songs?” questions @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Education. “Many of Dylan Roberts’ songs express anti-government themes and encourage the youth of @@NAME@@ to do illegal things. We cannot allow these messages to exist any more. The government must take control of the music industry, censor anything that encourages illegal activity, and punish those who flout the law.”

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#1032: So... That Worked [Chan Island; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
Remember when the yokels in @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ County seceded from the rest of the nation? Well, it turns out that the tiny new country is seeing massive economic growth and rapidly improving standards of living.

The Debate
1. “See, gov’mint can work fo’ folks around here!” says turnip-farmer-turned-president @@NAME_1@@, who’s proud of @@HIS@@ sophisticated accent. “But we could do betta. Y’all could sign a trade deal with us and exchange embassies. T’will ensure good relations between our good countries till the cows come home!”

2. “If this growth of theirs continues, then we might end up with a real problem on our hands,” ponders party loyalist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “After all, why would anybody stay on this side if the grass is so much greener over there? It’s time for an invasion. Never mind that they recently purchased some state of the art equipment - those bearded hillbillies will be no match for us!”

3. “Clearly, the answer lies in information!” pipes up spin doctor @@RANDOMNAME@@, tossing you a notebook full of obvious fabrications. “If the people of @@NAME@@ believe these rebels are having a terrible time, then it won’t matter how prosperous they really are. Nothing like national pride on the cheap!”

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#1033: Someone to Watch Over Me [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Princess @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ of @@NAME@@ is to become a mother, and her approaching new arrival has birthed the topic of watching royal ladies in labour.

The Debate
1. "Watching Her Highness, and all other royal ladies, give birth is a time-honoured tradition in many countries," says staunchly conservative courtier @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, Groom of the Royal Stool. "Tradition dictates that royal ladies ought to be sequestered in the court's best rooms for a month to prepare for the birth, before holding audience for the court at the time of the portentous birth. Thus, we may attest that the child is the fruit of the royal womb and testify to their place in the succession. Of course, only those of the highest of ranks - like myself - should be allowed to attend." He pushes away an eager duchess who is trying to shift beside him.

2. "Quite frankly, that doesn't go far enough," says eccentric courtier @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, framing the princess' expansive bump with his fingertips. "A royal birth is a national event. It's not just the elite who should be able to witness it. The whole country should be invited to see the miracle happen. Put cameras into the room, capturing every angle, when the royal lady is giving birth. Let the hoi polloi rejoice at home and in the plazas when they see one of their betters being born."

3. "What a horrible and arcane practice!" cries feminist writer @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. "Their royal highnesses are still women. Human beings whose privacy and dignity when giving birth must be preserved. Some courtiers' keenness on turning women into a sideshow in their most vulnerable moment is actually a bit creepy. An announcement after the baby is born will suffice."

4. "We still have a monarchy?" asks republican socialist MP @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We wouldn't need to deal with this issue if we just got rid of the bloodsuckers altogether. I'm not saying we should roll out the guillotines, but send them packing and make them ordinary citizens like the rest of us."

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#1034: Counting Coups [Fauxia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
It was a good day for communism when the Socialist Revolutionary Movement took control of the government in the tropical island nation of Haptu. However, three weeks later, a pro-capitalist counter-revolutionary group funded and armed by the United Federation seized power, installing a dictator in a brutal coup. Your advisors have assembled, and have brought a chess clock to ensure that each is allotted exactly the same amount of time to speak to you about this.

The Debate
1. “They stole it from us, those bourgeois pigs!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Proletarian Liberation, slamming @@HIS@@ hand on the button to start the clock ticking. “It might be different if these soulless capitalists were the legitimate government, but it isn’t fair that they can just overthrow a communist leader who draws his mandate from The People! @@LEADER@@, we need to act in the best interests of global communism, and that means military action! Down with the bourgeoisie!”

2. “That seems like a very dangerous idea,” cautions your Minister of Catastrophe Prevention, accidentally knocking the chess clock onto the floor, smashing it into pieces. “Oh, whoops! Anyway, it’s probably not advisable to get into a proxy war with the United Federation. They’re a powerful economy, with a powerful military and - in case you forgot - a vast arsenal of nuclear weapons. Let’s use proper process, like applications to the international courts and statements of condemnation. That’ll show them!”

3. “The minister makes a fair point,” concedes office cleaner @@RANDOMNAME@@, sweeping up the debris and broken glass. “It’s probably best not to risk global thermonuclear war... what a whopper of a mess that would be for me to clean up! But we should definitely be advancing the socialist cause. You should secretly supply the resistance with weapons while publicly remaining neutral. And hey, as it’s all plausibly deniable, it’s likely that our weaponized neurotoxic chemical will give them just the edge they need. Now that’s a war game we can win.”

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#1035: Bringing a Bayonet to a Gunfight [Chan Island; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
It’s budget time and the military is in a fierce ideological struggle: should bayonets continue to be issued to the troops?

The Debate
1. “There’s nothing more terrifying than the sight of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ steel!” asserts veteran General @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, while skewering one of your childhood teddy bears that you still keep on your desk with a shank. “The bayonet is a tried and tested weapon; having a blade at the end of your gun is an essential back-up. Besides, it’s hardly like they’re the most expensive thing in the arsenal. Also, make sure the navy and air force have them too; you’ll never know when they’ll come in handy.”

2. “Really, this is how you fight a modern war?” inquires Lieutenant @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, a rather suave junior officer, who then shoots the same teddy bear with a pistol. “Bayonets are relics of a by-gone era, kept alive only by old generals and LARPers. We kill our enemies from hundreds of kilometres away these days! The money saved by not purchasing millions of useless knives could instead buy us a nice new attack helicopter.”

3. “Helicopters? Rifles? Nothing personal, @@LEADER@@, but we only need an absolute minimum of military personnel for ceremonial duties,” declares Major @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, one of your more eccentric officers, as @@HE@@ swats the poor teddy bear with a Zweihander sword. “Imagine our finest soldiers wearing elegant full-dress uniforms and armed only with traditional swords. Have them stand at attention at sentry posts around our great capital and get them to change the guard every afternoon in front of your residence. Tourists will be delighted by such a show. That’s what a military should be used for!”

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#1036: When in Maxtopia [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
During your recent state visit to Maxtopia, you wore the traditional clothing of the country as a show of good faith. Although the gesture won the favor of the Maxtopian government and locals, international media, as well as some of the mainstays of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ media, have lambasted you for it.

The Debate
1. "Talk about an embarrassment!" exclaims renowned fashion designer @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ checks your measurements. "I have a fabulous idea that'll earn you more respect at home and on the international stage. Why not institute a dress code for all politicians? Fancy designer suits for the men, with smart skirt suits for the women. Sure, your unfashionable critics might call you stuck-up and emotionless, but nobody will be able to deny your style!"

2. "What's the big deal?" queries your Minister of Foreign Affairs. "Didn't they see the progress we made with the Maxtopian government? That arms deal, for instance! In fact, I suggest that we implement this policy in all future state visits. Despite what the critics say, a little cultural appreciation goes a long way. I've got a nice parka for your trip to Brancaland next week."

3. "They're saying WHAT about you?" fumes your Press Secretary, as @@HE@@ takes @@HIS@@ stress medication. "We need to start keeping track of anyone who says anything negative about you. It's high time the government controlled the news and banned foreign press from operating within our borders. This way, WE control the narrative and show those foreign media barons who's boss!"

4. "Ever since you wore that Maxtopian clothing, my store's sales have skyrocketed!" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, who owns a boutique fashion store in @@CAPITAL@@. "In fact, the fashion industry could use a little help from the government. Perhaps politicians could sponsor local fashion designers by wearing their designs or by plugging our stores during speeches. A little help would go a long way."

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#1037: Ill Girl [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Ever since @@NAME@@ heard about @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, the cheery young woman reported as having Helen Burns’ Disease (often known as Ill Girl Syndrome for its variety of vague and ultimately fatal symptoms), the nation has rallied around her with emotional support and monetary donations. Unfortunately, it has now been revealed that @@FIRSTNAME_1@@, “the pride of @@NAME@@, who never gave up hope”, never had the disease. Instead, she was suffering from mental health delusions where she believed she had the terminal illness, but actually only ever needed anti-psychotic medications.

The Debate
1. “She lied to us all along!” huffs your Deputy Minister of Health, who had personally donated more than one thousand commissions to send the patient and her family on a five-star all-inclusive vacation to swim with porpoises at a tropical East Calypso resort. “I expect her pallor and spots were just flour and food colouring, painted on every morning! It was all a twisted plot to extract money. Anyone who exploits our kindness with cruel falsehoods must be charged with fraud, and punished to the maximum extent that the law allows.”

2. “This young woman is clearly disturbed and needs our understanding, not punishment,” sighs psychiatrist and popular author Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@ , handing you a signed copy of ‘Thanks for the Memories’, @@HIS@@ lay-manual on hippocampus function. “She is clearly experiencing genuine and unresolved psychological issues, which caused her to manifest somatic biomedical symptoms. How would punishing her help her feel safe and cared-for? We must oblige her to join us in a secure and comfortable clinic where I’ll apply my patented diagnostic and therapeutic methods to unweave the dynamics behind this disorder.”

3. “This all arose because people give money to these fly-by-night anybodies,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Relief Organisation. “All it takes is for them to set up a GimmeCash page, and they can collect as much as they like. People fall for these hard-luck stories of plucky @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ and want to donate. You should ban private collections. If people are genuinely afflicted and need money, let them come to a proper @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ charity, where their claims can be fully vetted. They just have to ask and they shall receive, as much as they truly need. Talking of which...” @@HE@@ rattles a collection tin.

*4. “Now, correct me if I’m wrong,” scoffs @@RANDOMNAME@@, proudly vaunting @@HIS@@ homemade Charity Muggers, Sod Off badge, “but I’m sure she did nothing wrong. She saw a gap in the market; she went for it. So some bleeding-hearts thought she was really sick. Guess what, people lie! Any strategy is fair game in a truly free market. If people don’t keep their hands on their own money, if they’re stupid enough to give it to someone plastered in stage make-up, then that’s their lookout.”

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#1038: Maid to Order [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Increasing numbers of families find they have little time for their children, with both partners often working very long hours. A possible solution lies with Bigtopian immigrants who are clamouring to make money in @@NAME@@, and who would be happy to work as maids and nannies for well below the typical salary that @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ would consider a living wage.

The Debate
1. “We will shop and serve and clean and cook,” pleads Bigtopian maid @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@, kneeling before you with head bowed. “We earn much more here than at home, even if you pay us half what local workers get. We don’t want any voting rights, we don’t want citizenship. Please, boss, let us work here.”

2. “I have to say, I’m a little uncomfortable with this.” worries @@RANDOMNAME@@, avowed liberal and middle-class working parent, scratching at eczema under @@HIS@@ unwashed collar. “We’re talking about underpaid servants, of foreign ethnicity, almost all women. Our children will be told these people are servants to be ordered around. Doesn’t that worry you? Let workers come, by all means, but be sure that they have strong employment and citizenship rights, with a solid minimum wage. To be honest, if you create these conditions, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ men and women will want these jobs too!”

3. “So, we need people to do the menial jobs that frankly are beneath us...” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, staring thoughtfully out of the window at the horizon. “Well, why bother with servants? There’s a multitude of nations out there that have barely any military strength with populations ripe for reaping. Let’s go gather some slaves!”

4. “It’s a crying shame that we have to look overseas to find women who remember that their place is in the home,” moans perpetually single 45-year-old @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. “The women of our own country have gotten too uppity and independent. Discourage women from working by doubling their income taxes, and don’t even let girls into school. That’ll take us back to the good old days, when a man was king in his own house and a woman knew her place as servant. Then, we won’t need dirty foreigners looking after our kids.”

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#1039: Number One Fan [Jutsa; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Having already attended to all your appointments, made a few important decisions, and dismissed several small matters, you have nothing left to do and have turned to your mail. Your secretary, @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, shows you a little letter with a heart on the envelope that @@HE@’d like you to look at.

The Debate
1. “Hi! My name’s @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_2@@, I’m five (but am often mistaken for five-and-a-half). I wanted to thank you for being my leader. Love, @@FIRSTNAME_2@@,” your secretary reads aloud, @@HIS_1@@ lower lip wobbling. “That is so sweet! @@LEADER@@, we have to read these more. If you don’t, then I certainly will. Don’t you want to hear how great you’re doing while you’re solving the nation’s problems?”

2. “What a snot-nosed brat,” sneers your grumpy Uncle @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, before spitting in the message’s general direction and staining your shoes. “This mail is so sickening! You have better things to attend to than some ‘fan mail’. Besides, what if one of those opposes your leadership? You’d probably pout all day and get nothing done. Make those letters useful; use them as fuel for the fire.”

3. “If you ask me, this is a very important issue,” declares your Minister of Telecommunications, giving you another thick report with too cheerful a smile. “I think it’d be a great show of integrity to take time off and read these letters out loud and to the public — not all of them, mind you. But get a balance of good and bad. That way, the populace will know that they’re being heard. Plus, you never know, an important national issue might be raised in one of those letters.”

4. “Let’s not waste an opportunity here,” muses your Minister of Propaganda, confiscating all of your mail. “We should look through these letters and find the ones that best compliment you. If we run dry, we can always make up some names and come up with something appropriately flattering. We’ll replace subversive newsreaders and journalists with smart governmental spokespersons, and let them repeat the wonderful truth about you regularly. Reprint the best letters in all newspapers, and run a competition with prizes for the most fawning... honest citizen. That way everyone will know how great a leader you are!”
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Apr 30, 2019 8:16 pm, edited 45 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1040: A Recipe for Success? [State of Minnmar; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Popular coffee chain Moonbucks recently found itself in hot water after its Moonbucks Magic Mocha Machiatto Mixer was found to include ingredients that might lead to an increased risk in cancer, or at least a really upset stomach. Moonbucks had been using these substances despite knowing about their bad press, but as the ingredients list wasn’t visible or published anywhere they had escaped comment until now.

The Debate
1. “I can’t believe that these companies aren’t forced to disclose everything in their products!” yells frequent coffee-slurper @@RANDOMNAME@@, a little hyped up from @@HIS@@ fifteenth espresso of the morning. “The government needs to force every company to disclose a full list of ingredients regardless of the product, as well as health warnings! We need to know when our drinks contain harmful chemicals!” @@HE@@ points at you accusingly with a trembling index finger, twitching visibly from caffeine overload.

2. “There’s no harm from the additives in our products!” says @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ ‘Cappuccino’ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, CEO of Moonbucks, sipping from a glass of plain tap water. “No one has come to any harm... yet. People need to quit worrying about what’s in the things they eat or drink and just learn to relax. The government should buy everyone a Moonbucks frappucino to help them with that.”

3. “Coffeeheads, I ask you...” sighs tea-lover Earl Gray, sipping delicately from a china cup. “Why does anyone drink coffee, anyway? You should tax the foul stuff, and redirect those funds into subsidising more civilised drinks. Then perhaps while we take tea, we can enjoy the more cultured things in life - like a classic book or a proper biscuit.”

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#1041: A Sport Retort [Pogaria & Baggieland; ed: Pogaria & Baggieland]

The Issue
Rather unexpectedly, @@NAME@@ reached the final match of the Calvinball World Cup, but was defeated by heavily-favored Ausblic. Your advisors have started a lively debate on the topic at the next day's budget meeting.

The Debate
1. "I'm as shocked as everyone else!" utters your Minister of Boardgames, Athletics, Leisure, and League Sports, while watching the team's highlights on @@HIS@@ phone. "We had to play defending champions Tasmania, and everyone thought we were going to get killed, but then one of their players stumbled into the Zone of Forfeiture! We might have even had a chance against Ausblic if we hadn't botched the dance-off round. With a little more funding, we could easily build @@NAME@@ into a Calvinball powerhouse. Maybe you could divert a bit from the education budget; after all, if you're making a fortune playing a sport, an education isn't that important!"

2. TBD

3. "Look, I was cheering for our team as much as everyone else," states your Minister of Cost-Cutting and Harsh Realities, using a red pen to cross out large sections from the latest national budget. "But we only got through to the final because Maxtopia's star player got a violet card in the first quintile and had to wear a blindfold for the rest of the match. Before that, Marche Blanche's team was penalized ten wickets for being unable to sing their national anthem backwards. Let's be realistic: our success was just a fluke. I recommend that we slash funding for all of this sporting nonsense and give our citizens a nice tax cut."

4. "You know, I've heard rumors that host country East Lebatuck only got as far as they did because they slipped hallucinogens into the drinking water of their opponents," suggests Intelligence Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@ while fiddling with prototypes of the latest spy cameras. "Some of the Bigtopian players even claimed to see a talking tiger on the field! If we offered to host one of these sporting spectacles - and then made a few 'donations' to the International Calvinball Federation to ensure we were selected - we could have a similar advantage. Just say the word, and I'll have our research labs start working on an array of undetectable sedatives."

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#1042: Failure to Launch [The Sakhalinsk Empire; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Agency's newest rocket exploded shortly after takeoff, a tragedy many have attributed to the fact that its trajectory was plotted by slide rules and protractors.

The Debate
1. "Our space agency will fail spectacularly if we don't have advanced computing methods!" prognosticates frizzy-haired head of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Space Agency @@RANDOMNAME@@, shaking nervously as @@HE@@ tries to perform differential calculus on an abacus. "You can keep distracting gadgets away from the common folk, but if you want us to shoot for the moon, please let us use computers on the job!" A row of beads comes loose from the abacus, spilling everywhere.

2. Former computer manufacturer @@RANDOMNAME@@@ hastily trips over the strewn beads. "If you just legalise computers for the entire nation, not only can you help our rocket men, you can help the economy get back on track. I'm sure people will be thrilled to download the latest antivirus software!"

[3]. Marche Blancian hacker-turned-entrepreneur Star-Thief peers over your shoulder. “Why compromise your adorable country’s laws? I’d be happy to headhunt some of my compatriots to run simulations for you. It’s that simple - computers aren’t technically allowed here, and the space mission runs smoothly. It’s a positive-sum game, if you will.” [Must not be an autarky]

4. "If we want to keep our space program pure and full of national spirit, we need to find a solution other than electronics," complains emeritus professor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This is just a tragic symptom of our citizens' innumeracy. Ensure the next generation has strong mathematical aptitude, and we'll be charting fresh courses in no time."

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#1043: Foundering Fashionistas [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Coddle, your niece Molly’s fashion line, is failing rapidly with critics, fashionistas and fellow designers saying the clothing is “ugly”, “weird” and “appears to have been designed by and for blind lollipop sticks rather than women”.

The Debate
1. “These peasants cannot appreciate the workings of the creative mind,” sneers your niece, who appears to be wrapped in cellophane and wearing a dead @@ANIMAL@@ on her head. “My aim as an artisan is to provoke and excite with my glorious creations, not to appease yokels who don’t know how to carry off a three-foot crinoline layered with scarlet PVC intercut with cunning rhinestone-studded silver panels. Only my dear relatives, and other such intelligent persons, could hope to understand. You must fund my clothing line - and to show you how grateful I am, I’ll design a fabulous bespoke ‘look’ just for you, with a one-of-a-kind suit and my special hand-crafted make-up range. Let my creativity soar!”

2. “I don’t know what’s wrong with that girl,” sighs her mother, plucking lint from the collar of her sensible navy suit. “Her father has always spoiled her, and now I worry you’re going to do the same. He gave her ample @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ to start this venture, and she’s lost it all. I always said, Molly should have been left to learn to succeed or fail on her own. If you’re going to invest taxpayer money in anything, it should be in subsidising business skills classes at community schools, to help children who haven’t already had every advantage.”

3. “The problem isn’t that your niece has already had help, nor that no-one appreciates her... ahem... creativity,” coughs designer Yvette Saint-Marie, who sports a tasteful monochrome dress, as she sits and crosses her ankles demurely. “It’s that those monstrosities are so very frightful that no-one in their right mind would buy them, or accept them as a gift, or even give them to an enemy as a mean-spirited joke. There’s no point in throwing good money after bad, but that doesn’t mean that other people should not be aided. A governmental hardship fund should subsidise aspirational entrepreneurs with genuine artistic merit.”

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#1044: OK Stupid [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
After your Education Minister came in last place at a national spelling bee and your Minister of Defense recently confessed to having never graduated high school, the nation’s more learned citizens have questioned whether or not “uneducated” politicians have the right to govern them.

The Debate
1. “Do you honestly want someone who spells violet with an ‘f’ to be in charge of educational policy for our children?” quips @@RANDOMNAME@@, often considered to be the smartest @@MAN@@ in @@NAME@@, after painstakingly choosing the best chair to sit in. “It’s high time we educated folk are treated with some respect around here. I’m tired of seeing these dumb-dumbs in charge when they barely have the intelligence to run a lemonade stand, let alone a country with @@POPULATION@@ people. Therefore, in the interest of preserving this country’s future, we must force all current and future politicians to pass a rigorous intelligence test. Anyone who is not ranked as a genius or higher must be barred from any sort of public office!”

2. “The complication is that @@NAME@@ is a vast cesspool of cultural stupidity, not the electioneering and administration of the government,” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of the @@CAPITAL@@ chapter of highbrow society The League of Brainboxes. “Every diurnal course I’m distressed to see simpletons who credit crystals, specters, charlatans, religious superstition, reality television, and other such tomfoolery. If @@NAME@@ is to convalesce its approbation, the citizenry must partake in more intellectual pursuits: televised chess matches, strategy endeavors, and intense philosophical debates. All other activities and pursuits are frivolous and must be verboten.”

3. “Me fail grammar? That’s unpossible!” chimes in your easily amused Education Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@ while trying to balance a pen on @@HIS@@ nose. The Education Minister is quickly pushed aside by your always-angry Defense Minister, who looks like @@HE_1@@ is about to have an aneurysm. “Who are these nerds and brainiacs to tell us how to run our country? The people voted us in and we ought to respect that. So what if I don’t have some fancy-schmancy diploma? It’s just a piece of paper. Any citizen should be free to run for office, regardless of how smart they are.”

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#1045: The Enemy Within: Gimme Some Truth [Drasnia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Story So Far
The tragedy of the @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange attack is in the past and will forever be in the nation’s memory. But memory can be a fickle thing...

The Issue
A small but vocal group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ activists have formed the organization “Fact Battlers” and are questioning the circumstances surrounding the @@CAPITAL@@ Stock Exchange bombing. Several Fact Battlers have gone so far as to harass and even assault survivors.

The Debate
1. Budding theatre actor @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the affected survivors, cries melodramatically into her neckerchief. “These people bother me every day... and... say horrible things. I’ve had people shouting at me that I was paid to spread propaganda and that I’m just pretending that my best friend died. You need to stop these people. Arrest them if you need to!”

2. Investigative journalist Terry Mission, founder of Fact Battlers, interrupts while brandishing a thick sheaf of papers. “Don’t be deceived by false emotion! This is a false flag operation being perpetuated by the Globalists. Right here in the Commission Report, we read that burning diesel from the truck contributed to the destruction of structural supports in the Exchange. How can that be? Diesel can’t burn through brick! You need to take the red pill and reject these supposed ‘truths’ that you are being force-fed. Then, you can arrest all of your advisors who helped to carry this plan out.”

3. “These conspiracy theorists’ so-called evidence is based on faulty science and wilful ignorance,” counters your Science Adviser. “Every single claim of theirs has been thoroughly refuted and debunked. The only way to combat their horrific beliefs is by winning the battle of ideas. Print pamphlets and scientific papers that demonstrate how wrong they are, and distribute them to every household. This should keep more people from joining Fact Battlers, convince some of the Battlers to change what they believe, and let the survivors get their much-needed peace.”

[4]. Walter Lee, your loyal driver, swings a fist at Mr. Mission, knocking him down. “Boss! We were there, you and me! We dug through rubble with our bare hands! People like these don’t deserve to be listened to, they deserve a good beating for disrespecting the dead. Come on, give him a nudge or ten with your steel-capped boots. You know he deserves it.” [Must have chosen issue option #740.1]

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#1046: Buffing Up Our Hospitals? [Palos Heights; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
While touring a new state-of-the-art hospital in southern @@CAPITAL@@, a mob of concerned healthcare professionals cajoled themselves into a cramped elevator with you. Their grievance? The ban on clothing and how it’s affecting the healthcare system in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. “I can’t do it anymore!” gasps pharmacist @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ breathlessly, currently squashed up against the elevator doors. “I know wearing clothing is illegal, but I just can’t work like this anymore. I had a patient come in looking to get their eczema prescription compounded. Do you know what it was? Coal tar ointment. You ever compound with coal tar? If it gets on your skin, it doesn’t come out. I repeat, IT DOESN’T. COME. OUT. My spouse made me sleep on the couch for MONTHS. Please just reverse the ban on clothing. PLEASE.” @@LASTNAME_1@@ slides down against the doors and starts weeping.

2. Comforting @@LASTNAME_1@@ is world-renowned cardiologist @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ “Look at @@HIM_1@@! Surely you can see the effect that this ban on clothing has on us? And the negative impact it has had on our job performance is nothing compared to the negative impact it has on our patients’ outcomes. For example, it is utterly impossible to properly focus on saving a patient’s life during a code when you are jam-packed in a tight hospital room with 15-20 other naked individuals! You must reverse the ban on clothing for those of us in the healthcare setting - our patients’ lives depend on it.”

3. “While reversing the ban on clothing might have Dr. @@LASTNAME_2@@ looking Dr. Fashionista, the problem isn’t as bad as @@HE_2@@ makes it out to be”, says Nurse @@RANDOMFIRSTNAMEFEMALE@@ Ratchet, squeezing herself through the crowd to speak to you. “Sure the rooms can get cramped during a Code Blue, but that doesn’t mean that we can let our dangly bits distract us when we’re cheek-to-cheek saving lives! It just means that we need more funding for our hospitals so we can have larger patient rooms. Here, let me help you write the cheques.”

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#1047: Rivers of Blood [Candensia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Dye effluent from a textile factory has turned the waters of a neighboring river a vivid red, angering nearby residents. The incident has placed the practices of the dye industry and the use of synthetic dyes squarely in the limelight.

The Debate
1. "We can't let this stain our nation any further lest we die!" growls local resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, using colorful language to emphasize @@HIS@@ point. "Toxic and carcinogenic chemicals are being dumped into our water supply. Ban synthetic dyes and follow the example of us townsfolk: use only natural dyes, as most of them are non-toxic and safer to produce and handle than artificial colorants. All we need is plenty of cleared, arable land for dye production. That, and over three million snails — something to keep the kids occupied, you know."

2. "Sure, natural dyes might sound great, but you're taking this a shade too far," cautions @@RANDOMNAME@@, a dye industry spokesperson. "Think of the environment! We would have to decimate our woodlands and wildlife to fit in dye plantations. Even then, our economy and our clothes would be feeling blue if disaster struck the dye crop. However, I do empathize with those affected by whatever happened. A little 'financial incentive' will help us research and develop safer synthetic dyes."

3. "Lavender lagoons? Scarlet streams? Count me in!" chimes tourism and novelty museum tycoon @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Finding chemicals in the water is anything but a problem; in fact, it's a prime opportunity! We should add a bit of color to our lackluster lakes; the oddly-pigmented oddities would become tourist magnets! Our nation will be known far and wide for its colorful waterways, flowing proudly in our national hues. This, right here, is what will attract more money than anything @@NAME@@ has seen in ages. Let's dye ourselves into the next golden age!"

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#1048: Tatty Treaty Spat Turns Catty [Yahlia; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
University scholars recently made headlines for their discovery that an antiquated treaty between the government and the native Violetstone tribe was never correctly translated into the tribe’s language. The treaty - in which the tribe agreed to give up a substantial portion of their native lands - used verb tenses which implied that the agreement was only temporary. Speakers have converged in your office from each of the four directions to give their opinion on the matter.

The Debate
1. Chief Sitting @@ANIMAL@@, elected representative of the Violetstone tribe, paces in front of your desk indignantly. “All my ancestors have been cheated of our sacred land by your people. How are we supposed to thrive on tiny parcels of arid land like Spruce Ridge and Leaning Rock Reservations? I demand that all that was once ours is immediately returned to us, regardless of whether the land is privately or publicly owned. It is our heritage and birthright!”

2. “This simply cannot happen!” proclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Housing and Development, after Chief Sitting @@ANIMAL@@ has returned to the sweat lodge that he constructed on your front lawn. “These people are laying claim to productive commercial and industrial zones, along with residential land that was settled by thousands of families. We cannot afford to give up these areas. So what if a few minorities get upset? We need to keep this land, for the prosperity of @@NAME@@!”

3. Your exasperated secretary hurries over to deliver a new folder of issues to you. “Obviously, we can’t just return the land; it’s too valuable to the country. But we can’t ignore these people either; they’re too large a percentage of our population to be disregarded.” Looking pensive, @@HE@@ pauses for a moment and readjusts @@HIS@@ glasses. “How about we reimburse them another way? A lump sum of a few million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ should settle them down, right?”

4. “Listen to this codswallop!” grumbles your bigoted great-uncle while jotting down a series of misspelled racist slogans in a tattered notebook. “These leeches have contributed nothing worth having to our glorious @@TYPE@@! They’re lazy vagrants who create a burden on civilized society. All they do is take drugs and commit crimes. Why not just eject them from the country? Only our race is good enough for @@NAME@@!”

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#1049: Hard Times Ahead? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Drew Peacock, your Minister for Party Solidarity, has been looking a bit listless lately. It turns out that his doctor has told him that the National Health Service refuses to fund his needed erectile dysfunction medications.

The Debate
1. “This is no laughing matter,” moans Minister Peacock. “These days I can barely raise even a smile when I’m with my girl, and it’s making our relationship difficult. Sexual health is part of overall wellbeing, and I feel that the NHS should be funding the necessary medications, as well as maybe offering sex counselors and libido clinics. I wouldn’t even mind if there was some sort of specialist on hand to show us where we’re going wrong.”

2. “Look, the NHS is having a hard time as it is,” complains general practitioner Dr. Roger Knott stiffly. “We’re not here to give leisure drugs for old men’s indoor sports. The health service should be focusing on dealing only with diseases and conditions that threaten life and limb. And that doesn’t count as a limb, no matter how proud the good Minister is of it. Okay, here’s the deal: let them have four pills per month each. That’s a reasonable level of healthcare balanced against a cost-effective prescribing.”

[3]. “You got to look at the root problem here, and I’m not talking about the Minister’s little thing here,” observes visiting United Federation ambassador Ima Meanie. “I’m talking about your socialist medicine. Allow the free market to penetrate the stiff front erected by the communist healthcare entities! It’ll be hard on our wallets, but we won’t beat it by being soft! By removing medicine from the hands of the government elite, competition will drive down the prices of treatment and drugs, and as a nation I reckon you’ll spend a smaller percentage of the national GDP on medical care. That’s exactly what things are like in the good ole United Federation, right?” [Must have private industry]

4. “Maybe you don’t need to be in such a hurry to see this as a problem,” interjects the minister’s wife Ivana Newlove, who has always kept her maiden name. “If the little fella doesn’t feel like getting up in the morning, then let him sleep! Drew is almost fifty, for goodness sake; it’s only natural that his love life is over. Respect mother nature, and also this tired mother-of-three, and instead ban these treatments.”

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#1050: Criminal Guns Soon To Be Shooting Blanks [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A judge from @@NAME@@ recently promised significantly reduced jail time for criminals who volunteer to undergo surgical sterilization. Ten inmates have already agreed to go through with the procedure, and opponents are urging you to step in before more decide to go under the knife.

The Debate
1. “I don’t see a cause for concern here,” declares the infamous Judge Esma Wu, notorious for being tough on crime. “It is a fact that the children of criminals are very likely to become criminals themselves. I want to end the cycle of children being born in these despicable, horrible, and awful places. I want to put an end to the violence, theft, rape, and gangsta music in my community. Besides, it’s not as if I’m forcing them to do this; criminals make their own choices. And this is a choice that will benefit both the individual and society.”

2. “This almost certainly does force prisoners to undergo a procedure,” retorts Julius Egan, a former inmate turned masseuse. “The incarcerated will do everything they can to get out in the least amount of time, even if that means agreeing to a procedure they would never do otherwise. Do I have to explain why it’s wrong for the government to sterilize people? The judge probably isn’t even allowed to do this sort of thing, and if she is, it definitely should be illegal. What we need to do is give the incarcerated more choices in what they can do in prison, like maybe a good massage every once in a while.”

3. “The judge has somethin’ right!” grunts Bongani Wu, a warden at the Tinhampton Correctional Facility who speaks loudly to compensate for carrying a small stick. “We give too dang much freedom to them prisoners. What we need tuh do is take the whole choosing part out and sterilize all of ‘em. Once they commit a crime, they lose all them privileges, like the ability to get pregnant or say no.”

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#1051: Take to the Skies [Splendania; ed: Frieden-und Freudenland]

The Issue
The Maxtopian ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@ was recently shipwrecked on @@HIS@@ way to meet with you. Thankfully, your coast guard rescued @@HIM@@ and brought @@HIM@@ safely to your office. @@HE@@ is still angry, however, since @@HE@@ would have preferred to fly into your country if your aircraft ban hadn’t stopped @@HIM@@ from doing so.

The Debate
1. “This is wholly unacceptable!” gargles @@HIS@@ Excellency as @@HE@@ wrings out @@HIS@@ still-wet hair, dropping a little anchovy on your carpet. “Do you know how long it takes to get from Maxtopia to @@NAME@@ by boat? Five days! Forgive me, @@LEADER@@, but I don’t think it’s fair that you have a universal ban on aircraft. Might I propose that diplomatic and governmental aircraft be exempt from the ban? You know, you can keep the riff-raff out of the skies, but top-flight people like you and me should have top-flight privileges.”

2. “I’m inclined to agree with you, Your Excellency,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, your secretary who used to be an Air @@NAME@@ pilot, with a husky voice. “But I don’t think it goes far enough. I think we should unleash the freedom of the skies, unchain the passion of flying, and let all airplanes take us - and our ground-bound economy - to the clouds above!”

3. “Go fly a k-kite!” exclaims stuttering aviophobe @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ emerges from the lunch cart @@HE@@ snuck in on. “Our c-current system is j-just fine. The boat… the boat is the only sure way to get from point A to B safely and reliably - and if we need a b-bigger fleet, why not s-seize some of the n-navy ships and re-purpose them for p-public use?”

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#1052: The Prisoners’ Dilemma [Caracasus; ed: The Free Joy State]

Your secretary wakes you with a phone call at three o’clock in the morning. “Sorry to wake you, @@LEADER@@, but we have a problem. The severe rainy season has overwhelmed flood defences in an isolated northern part of @@NATION@@. Our engineers say we have half an hour before a storm surge sweeps through the region. Almost everyone in the area has been evacuated, with the exception of the inmates and guards at the notorious Zetatraz prison. I’ve got two officers on the line. Shall I put them through?”

1. “We don’t have the manpower to evacuate the prison in an orderly fashion!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@ over the sound of pouring rain. “You have to let us open the gates and give the prisoners a chance to get to high ground. Sure, some of these prisoners may be guilty of some serious offenses, but they’re still human beings and you cannot leave them to drown! Give the order; I’m sure we’ll be able to round them all up once the storm has passed.”

2. “Tell me you’re joking!” yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, as you hear the heavy clang of keys being turned in old locks. “Zetatraz holds the worst of the worst. Murderers, rapists and jaywalkers crammed into every cell. If we let these animals loose, we’re endangering every innocent person in the country. They had their chance to live productive, law-abiding lives and they blew it. Let the guards lock these thugs in and escape to safety.”

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#1053: Some Enchanted Evening That Was [The Free Joy State; ed: Wyethalania]

The Issue
Amid the seemingly perpetual war raging in South Palisade, it appeared that your military personnel were making the most of the situation, and forming close — often physical — relationships with local women. Some even maintained a family off-base. With peace talks in the making, many people are debating the fate of these war brides and children.

The Debate
1. “We must get them back to @@NAME@@,” insists Private @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ Hammerstein, standing beside his long-time South Palisadian girlfriend as she cradles their infant son. “Have you seen what’s happened here? The entire country’s been destroyed, and who knows how long this peace agreement will last with those North Palisadians? I don’t want my family left behind when the bombs start falling again. It behoves our nation to create an exemption to the immigration ban, to allow our beloved partners and children into @@NAME@@. Do we not have a duty to care for the families of the people who sacrifice everything for its safety?”

2. “Do we not have a duty?” singsongs Major @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ Billis, who is rumoured to have fathered twenty-six illegitimate children in twenty-five countries. “I would say that clearly, we do not have a duty. There’s nothing like a dame, but if these harlots from other lands are stupid enough to believe that it’s love — let alone that love lasts longer than two minutes — that tells me all I need to know about their morals... It also tells me that we cannot allow such people into our country. Of course, our soldiers are upstanding persons of valour and, therefore, should give a financial remittance for any children begotten before they depart.”

[3]. “Both these persons are disgusting,” sighs Mary @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, Director of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Relationship Relational Service. “A relationship is built on long-term commitment and togetherness. Not picking a girl up because you’re sorry for her, and not what that pig was doing either! The compassionate thing is to allow people to bring their war spouses home, but only if they have had a marriage ceremony that is legally binding in @@NAM@@ and have the certificate to prove it. Then you’ll know which people really want to build a life together from those who’ll just wash ‘em right outta their hair.” [Marriage is legal; Other criteria unknown ???]

4. “These people have consorted with the enemy?” gasps Minister of Defence @@RANDOMNAME@@, @@HIS@@ left eyebrow springing upwards. “They’ve got to be carefully taught that any South Palisadian could be an enemy agent working for North Palisade; therefore, anyone found engaging in such illicit fraternisation shall be subject to court-martial and — when found guilty — execution for treachery.” Private Hammerstein and Major Billis fall menacingly under @@HIS@@ gaze.

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#1054: Herbal Trouble [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Recent hospital records show that there has been a rise in the number of miscarriages in @@NAME@@. Experts say that this is because many women are terminating their unwanted pregnancies by using medicinal herbs like tansy or pennyroyal, which have abortifacient properties and are commonly grown as decorative plants in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ gardens.

The Debate
1. "This is a disgrace!" grunts vocal pro-life advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@, flourishing a bunch of pennyroyal flowers in your face. "These murderous witches always find a back door to kill the poor babies that had the misfortune to be begotten on them! @@LEADER@@, we must ban the sale of the seeds of these accursed plants and immediately form a special police division to eradicate and burn them wherever they grow, salting the earth so they can never sprout again."

2. "Look at my flowers!" interjects Ophelia @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, an eccentric professor of horticulture from @@CAPITAL@@ University, dancing into your room with a basket of flowers. "There's rosemary; that's for remembering. Please remember, love. And there are tansies; they're for removing impurities. There's a daisy - for decorating gardens. How dare you kill flowers? Punish the women who illegally use them to induce abortions, but please let all flowers grow freely." She then puts an amorphophallus titanum on your desk, and leaves the room singing.

3. "I hope you realize that it is not safe to abort a child by using these plants," mutters Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a gynecologist from @@ANIMAL@@ Valley Hospital. "Let's admit it: people will always find ways to circumvent laws that restrict their freedoms. If women are going to have abortions anyway, wouldn't it be better if they had the chance to do so under the supervision of medical professionals? Think about how many lives would be saved if you at least allowed abortions for medical emergencies."

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#1055: Fishy Predictions [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The Football Federation Global Cup tournament is in full swing and @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ everywhere have been delighted by the psychic abilities of Pepe the Porpoise, an “animal oracle” resident at @@CAPITAL@@ Zoo. This purported precognitive has — so far — perfectly predicted the winner in every tournament fixture. However, controversy arose yesterday when the animal tipped @@NAME@@ to lose against Skandilund in the quarter-final.

The Debate
1. “How dare that porpoise think that @@NAME@@ could possibly lose to a bunch of sauna-loving, herring-eating liberals who spend half the year in total sunlight and the other half in complete darkness?” fumes @@RANDOMNAME@@, your most patriotic advisor. “There’s only one thing to do with this conniving cetacean: send it to the nearest Dàguó restaurant and let’s all treat ourselves to some sushi tonight!”

2. “Sushi is fish, and not even from Dàguó, you ignoramus!” points out your pedantic secretary, ironically confusing sushi and sashimi. “Look, there’s so many of these animal oracles about that at least one of them was bound to have lucked into the right answers; that doesn’t give them any future predictive value. We should just be treating this as harmless fun. Maybe you could run a competition to see which @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ pet has the strongest ‘psychic abilities’ and award a prize for that.”

3. “Pepe has spoken, and we must not blame the messenger for the truths he brings,” declares General @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, your Chief of Staff. “Real psychics and psychic animals do exist, and we’d be fools not to utilise them to our military advantage. For example, we could put the flags of our adversaries in Pepe’s pool to see who is plotting against us, and then preemptively bomb them. Our enemies won’t understand how we can anticipate their every move!”

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#1056: Time to Work? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a tired nurse working a hundred-hour week accidentally gave a series of injections to the wrong patient, there have been calls from some for a maximum number of hours someone can work in a week.

The Debate
1. “A rigidly-enforced Working Time Directive should cap anyone from working more than 74 hours 22 minutes per week, with no more than 11.75 hours per shift,” definitively states analyst @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Bannon, presenting you with a stack of hand-written calculations. “This will benefit safety, health, and quality of life, while also creating more jobs within the economy.”

2. “I wake, I work, I sleep,” sneers multi-millionaire entrepreneur @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ Golightly, attempting to pour himself a cup of coffee from a decorative vase on your desk. “No-one forced me to do this except myself. Turns out though, pushing yourself harder makes you successful. Don’t close the door on opportunity by interfering with people’s working lives. It’s bad for business, and bad for the economy.”

3. “Let’s strike a reasonable middle ground!” proposes your hyperactive Employment Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, striking a ‘middle ground pose’ that involves balancing on one leg while pointing rapidly in multiple directions. “We need a comprehensive review to identify professions where there is risk to the public from long hours, and then create tailored directives for each field of work, and then create allowances for longer weeks followed by time off, and limited opt out clauses for extenuating circumstances, and, and... that sounds fun! Let’s get started!” @@HE@@ skips off, giggling maniacally.

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#1057: Baby, It's Cold Outside [-WeedLand-; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
This winter, harsh blizzards have hit the high-latitude regions of @@NAME@@. Many residents have contracted hypothermia while shovelling their sidewalks. The surviving citizens are begging you to lift the ban on clothes.

The Debate
1. Meteorologist @@RANDOMNAME@@ shivers while predicting another snowstorm. “@@LEADER@@, you must r-r-relegalize clothing unless you want your people to fr-r-reeze. So many of us have already succumbed to hypothermia and the flu-u-u... achoo! And I’m afraid I’m next.”

2. Naked window washer @@RANDOMNAME@@ grins as @@HE@@ flashes you. “Don’t listen to that fearmonger; nudity is the best thing you’ve done in years! I’ve always wanted to see my co-workers’ bodies, and that dream is now a reality thanks to you. If these people are too pathetic to survive the cold winters, then they can just migrate to the warmer parts of @@NAME@@ and live with us. Sure, it might be a little crowded, but we will finally get to see if those frigid @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are as beautiful as people say they are.”

3. Surfer @@RANDOMNAME@@ bursts through your door, dripping with water and trailing seaweed. “Dude, you can’t just leave the colder parts of @@NAME@@ unattended and expect everything to be fine! All you need to do is pump carbon dioxide stuff into the atmosphere and then we can have an endless summer. Like, some of those environment losers say it will cause pollution, but who would want to miss out on that heat?”

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#1058: LEEDing From Behind [Altmer Dominion; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A new administrative building for the Environmental Department is under fire from watchdog groups. An investigation found — among other things — that valuable wetland was drained for the foundation, unsustainable materials were used during construction, and energy-inefficient methods were chosen for the mechanical systems.

The Debate
1. “The government needs to do better,” tuts @@RANDOMNAME@@, an activist protesting outside the department building. “All government agencies must be required to undergo an environmental impact assessment before any proposed action — building or otherwise. Not only do agencies need to report critical habitat affected as well as embodied energy costs for materials, et cetera; they must be required to follow the most environmentally friendly option possible. If even one thing is found out of place, a project shouldn’t be allowed to go through. The conservation benefits are certainly worth it in the end.”

2. “There’s no way that our government could afford the highest level of environmental certifications on every government building!” excitedly cautions @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Treasury Minister. “However, I do realize the need for our nation to be environmentally responsible. Go through with mandating a permitting process, but only for non-government construction! Let us take over the process of awarding green certification so that we can charge fees for everyone. This will be great for our nation’s treasury and our environment!”

3. “There’s no reason to go through with this,” urges your Minister of Housing whilst urinating on a potted plant. “In fact, I say we teach these radical hippies a lesson. I have a list of the fragile habitats surrounding @@CAPITAL@@, home to some useless endangered snail species that no one cares about except these annoying tree huggers. I’ve also got three orders filed for United Federation granite — I hear they recently opened up one of their national parks for mining. Just say the word, and these ecofascists will be living their worst nightmare. Maybe then they’ll get the message.”

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#1059: Footing the Bill [Baggieland & Pogaria; ed: Baggieland & Pogaria]

The Issue
Despite spending copious amounts of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to turn the nation into a Calvinball powerhouse, @@NAME@@ finished in last place at the very next tournament. Some are now beginning to wonder if this money was well-spent.

The Debate
1. “Clearly we haven’t spent enough!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a Calvinball expert who reportedly has the world’s only complete set of time-fracture wickets. “What we need to do is build the newest, state-of-the-art academies in every city. Even successful Calvinball countries like Ausblic will be in awe of them! If we build world-class facilities with pitches for every season, fitness and rehab centres, and the finest Skandilundian-designed saunas, we will finally achieve our dream of Calvinball superiority! Double the funding!”

2. “So what have we spent this money on?” questions @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head coach of the highly successful Chagrin Marauders. “We relaid a few pitches, bought some new equipment and built a couple of training centres. Yet, our players did worse than last time! We need to make sure that any kid who displays any sporting aptitude doesn’t slip through the net. Force all children into mandatory attendance at these training centres. Their educational needs are secondary to our quest for Calvinball glory!”

3. “Our current crop of so-called ‘world-class’ players has clearly failed, despite all the money we threw at them,” opines @@RANDOMNAME@@, who grimaces every time @@HE@@ hears the official Calvinball song. “Forget about this rabble and instead transfer the funding to the professional development of our youngsters. We can create new youth clubs and leagues, and let’s just forget about all this ‘let’s turn @@NAME@@ into a Calvinball powerhouse’ nonsense. Encouraging kids to exercise and maintain good health is far more important than pursuing a hopeless dream. If the kids turn out to be world champions years down the line, then that’s just a bonus.”

4. “Listen,” states your younger brother, the glint in his eye indicating that he has just come up with another harebrained idea. “Everything we’ve tried hasn’t worked so far, so why not enact a program to kidnap all the best players and coaches from around the world? Bring them back to @@NAME@@ and force them at gunpoint to train and develop our athletes. All our players will then be able to improve their game from the skills and techniques of our kidnapees. Calvinball glory will soon be ours!”
Last edited by Jutsa on Thu Jun 27, 2019 6:34 am, edited 35 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1060: Hole in the Wall [Singapore no2; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A close shave occurred yesterday when, during a severe downpour, one of the nation's reclaimed coastal areas was nearly flooded due to a small dike section giving way. Thankfully, passing cargo ship The Silver Skate happened to be packed to the gills with sandbags, and the captain of the ship graciously unloaded the cargo, plugging the dike and saving the day. Despite the happy resolution, concerns surrounding the dikes still remain.

The Debate
1. "I'm happy to have been able to lend a hand," chats Captain Hans Blinker, fixing the wobbly leg on your desk with a folded-up business card. "I was on my way to deliver my regular shipment of sand to Macronesia when I noticed that your dike was springing a leak. Now, I think that this incident shows that more thorough maintenance of your dikes is necessary. You should probably slow down expansion into low-lands and coastal areas, and focus more on securing your existing land."

2. "Perhaps we should rethink and halt land reclamation," insists your Environment Minister, phoning in from @@HIS@@ beachfront house. "Not only does it cause irreversible damage to local marine wildlife, killing off coral reefs and polluting the sea, but it's also incredibly expensive. We should be living in harmony with the environment we have, not forcing it into new shapes."

3. "What's more important, some stupid fishes or the survival of our nation?" rebukes Head of Strategic Thinking @@RANDOMNAME@@, pointing angrily at a map of @@REGION@@. "We need to be expanding our coastlines more aggressively! Forget dikes, we need to be building whole islands and peninsulas to lay claim to so-called 'international waters' as quickly as we can! What's the cost of a few quadrillion tonnes of stone compared to the benefits this could bring?"

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#1061: Every Day I'm Muffling [Sapnu puas; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue:
After many days of loud and obnoxious cars speeding through the main streets of @@CAPITAL@@, a bill that proposes a mandatory muffler muting for motor vehicles has been presented to you.

The Debate:
1. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a tired-looking single parent, pleads for change. “Have you ever tried sleeping while these high-speed hooligans are making noise through the night? It’s torture! Whenever they go by, my kids wake up crying, and I get zero rest! Make mufflers an absolute must...” @@HE@@ yawns loudly, then drops onto your floor, fast asleep.

2. @@RANDOMNAME@@, a member of the feared but mostly harmless Rabid @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ gang, pulls up in @@HIS@@ beefed-up 4x4 diesel truck. “Hell, no! Can you really bring yourself to tame a beast like this with mufflers? Where’s your sense of fun? In fact, let’s make @@NAME@@ the loudest nation in @@REGION@@, and subsidise great cool auto manufacturers making great cool cars.”

3. Looking a little nervous, environmentalist @@RANDOMNAME@@ whispers a few words in your ear. “I think we can do better than a few mufflers. Instead, we could insist that all engines should be fully electric - this will eliminate engine noise entirely. You’ll have to push this through quickly with an executive order though, or Big Oil lobbyists will surely shut it down. Green Power, @@LEADER@@!” @@HE@@ salutes you and sidles away, checking to make sure @@HE@@ isn’t being followed.

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#1062: The Hunt for the Violet November [The-CID; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Blackacre, a nation historically opposed to @@NAME@@, has declared that their submarine Violet November has gone missing, and are keen to scour the area where it was last spotted — just off the edge of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ continental shelf.

The Debate
1. “Thank you for meeting with me on such short notice, @@Leader@@,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, a diminutive Blackacrean ambassador. “Our submarine was just a training vessel that got erm... blown off course... or something. But the main issue here is saving the thirty crew members that are on board before their oxygen runs out! Any kind of help will be greatly appreciated: freedom of movement for our search boats, logistical aid, rescue teams, engineers... This is such a great opportunity for our two nations to start on a path towards greater friendship.”

2. “A training vessel? Yeah! Right!” exclaims Rear Admiral @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ as the ambassador leaves your office. “I bet all my navy ribbons that we’re talking about a spy sub or a nuke platform! Those Blackacreans are always stirring up trouble and encroaching into our territorial waters. You should have our own submarines, frigates and destroyers search out and destroy unauthorised military vessels, including this sub, once we find it! That will give them something to think about before trespassing here again.”

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#1063: Playing It by the Numbers [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Caracasus]

The Issue
Your somewhat gullible nephew has returned from a shopping trip laden with ‘bargains’, including a dozen suits which he says were ‘50%-off’. Upon whipping out the office magnifying glass it appears that the discount stickers have ‘up to’ written in tiny letters just above the numbers, and a quick check of the store catalogue shows most of the items had their prices raised just days before to accommodate the so-called discount. All in all, his shopping trip has cost him twice what he would have paid if he had been charged the manufacturers’ recommended prices.

The Debate
1. “Look, we all know that my son is an idiot,” says your sister irritably, smacking the kid around the head, “but anyone could be misled by these tricks and number games. You don’t approve of con-men, do you? These retailers are legal con-men. For the sake of the consumer you must legislate fair and transparent pricing in retail, and prevent misleading advertising.”

2. “I’ve made a couple of bad shopping decisions...” admits your nephew, straightening the creases on the sleeves of his lime-green velvet onesie. “Alright, maybe more than a couple. But I love bargain hunting! The thrill of finding a 75%-reduced top hat for only 200 @@CURRENCY@@ is something you can’t duplicate! All we need is a universal 30-day cooling off period, during which customers can claim a refund, no questions asked. You know, just in case their tyrannical mothers are nagging them.”

3. “We’ll offer your nephew a One-Off Full Refund, and I’ll even throw in the buttonholes for free next time!” promises @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Dibbler, the appointed representative of a consortium of retailers, audibly capitalising certain words. “And that’s practically cutting my own throat. All we ask is that you let the Free Market operate, for the sake of Freedom. FREEEEDOM. Up to 99% of voters agree that advertising is the core of a successful economy! Our industry is in the top 100% when it comes to ethical business practices and serving the public good. I myself donate up to 50% of my wage to charity!”

4. “In my day, a pint of milk cost what a pint of milk cost,” grumbles @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, an elderly cleaner interjecting from the back of the room. “You’re the government; you should set a fixed price for everything, and you should do that other thing, seizing the means of production, and wot-not. We don’t need satin pants or hats with feathers on them. We just need what we needs: bread, milk and wot-not, and at a fair price.”

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#1064: Culture Wars [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A family from @@NAME@@ was arrested while on holiday in Tasmania for taking a photo of their child urinating in Lake Sacred - a cultural icon that is revered by all Tasmanians. This incident, and others of @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ behaving badly while abroad, has resulted in a national debate about how uncivilized @@NAME@@ appears to the rest of @@REGION@@.

The Debate
1. "We are the laughing stock of @@REGION@@," opines your mother, as she picks up the litter on the floor of your office. "We need to draw up a list of government-sanctioned guidelines to show @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ how to behave properly in the countries they are visiting, and require that all travel agents hand over a copy to anyone who books a foreign holiday. We need to understand that, although some @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ urinate in fountains and throw rubbish everywhere here, it is not acceptable in other countries."

2. "Unfortunately, that won't be enough to change our bad habits," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, your old school teacher, as @@HE@@ orders one of your aides to take out the rubbish bin. "Every time I go out, I see an awful lot of people jumping queues and a few even spitting in restaurants. Have we no shame? Well, I've had enough; I say we ban all citizens from leaving @@NAME@@. Then we will no longer embarrass ourselves in the eyes of @@REGION@@."

3. Your glamorous secretary, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, checks her perfectly coiffed hair to make sure not a strand is out of place. Wearing her elegant branded dress, she sits coyly and gracefully crosses her stockinged feet. She then sneezes into her palm and wipes the snot all over her clothes. "Who cares what the rest of @@REGION@@ thinks? I like the way we @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ are. If those other nations think we're rude, then that's their problem! In fact, why don't we build exhibitions in the other capital cities of @@REGION@@, showcasing our way of doing things? That way, they will stop criticising us and understand us better."

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#1065: Pulling Out [Jutsa; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Several nations that are party to the international climate treaty have been falling short of the treaty’s set targets for reducing greenhouse gas emissions. A few nations have even decided to withdraw from the agreement, leaving many worried about the future of the treaty and the planet.

The Debate
1. “Did they really just pull out and leave us?” histrionically shrieks @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your country’s biggest advocates for signing the climate agreement. “We must not be impotent; we need to compensate for the rest of the world’s dangerous, lazy indifference. We need to significantly increase our ecological protection funding while also trying harder to decimate carbon emissions. It’ll all be worth it in the end when our nation isn’t under the sea.”

2. “We can’t just take this lying down. We’ve gotta give those no-good double-crossers what they’re asking for — death and destruction!” fumes @@RANDOMNAME@@, a radical environmentalist obsessed with guns and big bazookas. “Show them their economies really will suffer by convincing our fellow signatories to put trade sanctions on any nation that chooses to withdraw. If they still don’t comply, we’ll wage a whippin’ war against them. Then we can whip our more negligent partners into shape as well. Hey, they consented to it; they signed the treaty.”

3. “So, you want to help our planet by bombing other countries?” mockingly interrogates Catherine Gratwick, recent victor of the Annual @@CAPITAL@@ Dance-Off. “Forcing nations back into the agreement won’t help; in fact, they may be on to something here. If our treaty partners can’t keep up with the pace, we might need to take things slow and propose a reduction in treaty obligations to the other member states. Communication is key in a relationship, and it will certainly stop our friends from pulling out in the future.”

4. “Or, maybe ya should just forget about this here nonsense ‘cuz it’s junk anyhoo,” rants an ambassador from the United Federation, thrusting a two-foot-long, fried, bacon-wrapped Mega Hot Dog Deluxe Supreme™ into his ten-gallon mug of Moonbucks coffee. “Even if clahmate changes were really caused by men, stahfling economical progress will only tarnish yer abilities to fahnd betta ways of doin’ thangs. If you quickly pull out now and denounce this here treaty for the Dàguó hoax it is, you will sure be much better off — just lahk us!”

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#1066: It’s an Honour Just to Be Condemned [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
You’re shopping with your cousin, who wishes to buy the new small-press pro-LGBT novel, The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Boy. As you approach the @@CAPITAL@@ branch of national bookshop chain, Books ‘n’ Bits, you notice a vociferous group of dour protesters picketing outside, brandishing signs that read Morals: @@NAME@@

The Debate
1. “Hey-hey, ho-ho! Bring back the shame; sin’s got to go!” chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, the sunburned leader of the protest. “@@LEADER@@, we’ve been out here for hours. We’ve jumped out at these miscreants, shouting such bone-trembling litanies of outrage that their bowels should’ve shaken in terror. And they’ve laughed and bought this @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Boy filth anyway. Politics in @@NAME@@ are dominated by liberal commie fascists and atheist Cyanists. Only you can halt the vice. We need to purge these sexual inverts from society, cleanse the socialist dross from the streets and hail the simple purity of one correct faith.”

2. “Look, let them say whatever bull they want in their homes or in their religious bulletins, or whatever it is that people don’t pay attention to,” groans bookshop manager @@RANDOMNAME@@, straining to get out of @@HIS@@ door. “But these nutters are obstructing my pavement and causing my customers vexation with their damnation agitation. Will you please just get the police here to move them along, and clamp down on any protest that’s disturbing the peace and interfering with honest trade?”

3. “Interfering with trade?” chortles the book’s author, signing copies so quickly that @@HE@@ fails to notice @@HE@@’s also signed a fan’s sleeve. “I think it’s wonderful. Without these crackpots showing up to the biggest bookshop in the country, ranting and attracting press coverage, my book might never have been noticed. Now, it’s due to go into its second printing, and they want to buy the film rights. We ought to encourage free speech and give airtime to every point of view, no matter how loopy. This bad publicity from a bunch of fundie losers is the best advertising that money can’t buy!”

4. “That’s the last thing we should do!” gasps human rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@, still waiting to get into the bookshop. “We can’t allow hate groups to upset decent, hardworking @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@. In fact – whatever someone’s viewpoint – we must ensure that all public discourse is polite, inoffensive and unobtrusive. If people can’t discuss things politely and calmly, then maybe we should issue a list of acceptable topics for public discourse. Then, everyone will be able to enjoy our shared spaces, and no-one will ever feel upset.”

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#1067: Don't Fear the Reefer [Nation of Quebec; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue:
Maxx Grass Corporation and Green Way Growers, two of the largest marijuana producers in the nation, recently announced a merger that is expected to be worth billions. As the recreational drug industry continues to grow, many are wondering if this joint venture is right for @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. “Let’s just hold our horses on all this ‘merger’ talk,” murmurs Commerce Minister @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ ‘Trust Buster’ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ as @@HE@@ polishes an oversized walking stick. “If these two companies merge, the resulting behemoth would monopolize at least 75% of the industry. How would any of the smaller businesses be able to compete? For the good of our many hard-working entrepreneurs who are just trying to sell enough weed to put food on the table, we must block this merger, and hash out some legislation to prevent this situation from recurring.”

2. “These companies are making record profits off the green stuff!” notes your Finance Minister, who is wearing a Maxtopian Grass t-shirt. “It’s high time that the government got involved. Rather than blocking the merger, why don’t we just become the competition? We already have trade access to the far-flung locations that produce rare strains like Manamana Maneater and Brasilistan Bomber. We’ll also be able to guarantee the quality of our products and maintain purity levels that you just won’t find in the private industry. Imagine what we can do with the sales revenue!”

3. “Why should we allow private companies to reap all the rewards, man?” asks your stoner brother after obnoxiously puffing some Maxtopian Grass smoke in your face. “The government should like, nationalize the drug industry! These corporations are like, totally evil and they freak me out. Marijuana distribution would be way safer in government hands. Down with Big Drugs!”

4. “I think that stuff’s getting to your head,” replies @@RANDOMNAME@@, the CEO of Maxx Grass Corporation, while rolling @@HIS@@ eyes. “I’ll have you know that two percent of our profits are donated to local schools, hospitals, and crime prevention programs. If the government were to muscle in on our turf, it would make them no better than the shady drug dealers of old, and would reduce the amount of money that we could donate. If anything, the government should let us continue with the merger so that we can expand our business across @@NAME@@ with as little red tape as possible.”

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#1068: Made to Break [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a hectic work week, you were finally due some time off for a nice Sunday brunch with your family. But as you were waiting for your TurboLux 3000 Toaster to toast your bread, it started frantically buzzing and rattling, finally popping out two slices of bread burnt like charcoal. Worse still, your mother purchased the kitchen appliance for you only 366 days ago, and its warranty expired yesterday.

The Debate
1. “Oh, sweetie, I know it is exasperating when an electrical appliance gives up the ghost too soon!” your mum laments, while she pours you tea. “Yesterday our coffee machine broke, too. You know, when I was a young and dazzling girl, everything was made to last for a lifetime. You remember my sewing machine? It was a gift from my sister, and it still works like I bought it yesterday! You should make it so that all products have to have a lifetime warranty, darling. I’m sure manufacturers would do their best to produce durable stuff, then.”

2. “No! Terrible idea!” sputters your uncle, one of the company directors of TurboLux Household Appliances, spewing out his tea onto his croissant. “If you extend the warranties, people will just break their stuff on purpose to get cutting-edge new devices. I think we would fare far better if you abolished warranty requirements altogether. Why should my company give people free replacements just because they were too lazy or too stupid to read the user manual and ended up breaking their stuff? Present company excepted, of course.”

3. “The problem is capitalism. Now take a look at this beauty!” exclaims Carlo Max, who claims to be a distant cousin of yours, as he struggles to lift a massive metal box onto the dining table. “My East-Lebatuck-made toaster has been working for three decades now! Obsolescence, be it planned or fashion-based, is a symptom of a throw-away society wriggling in the merciless grip of consumerism. How about you hand over the production of all goods to the State? Without the need for greed, the State will make everything to last.”

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#1069: Bowl Motions [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A survey of the plumbing industry has noted that in recent times toilet basin sizes and flush volumes have been on the increase.

The Debate
1. “Giant toilets are a giant problem,” declares environmentalist Bharatendu Shatter. “The nation generates a considerable carbon footprint and a great deal of chemical waste to create tap-quality water for your households, then you dump a quarter to a half of it back into the sewers through flushing. We need regulations to set a maximum basin and flush volume, to prevent us being so wasteful with water.”

2. “Aw come on, I need a powerful flush!” complains generously proportioned food-lover Gertie Creosote. “Look, when you’ve got a Brancaland Steamer coming down the way, you don’t want it sailing in a shallow river. I pay my water bill; I bought my throne! My business is not the government’s business!”

3. “Up the creek without a paddle? I’ve got a compromise solution,” smiles bright-looking junior minister Lars Güldenschauer. “You could tax drinking-quality water on the monthly bills, but let people use untreated greywater at a discount. This will give people incentive to use drinking water only for drinking.”

4. “Big job? Big science has the answer!” enthuses experimental biologist Rosalina Middenmarch. “Why not flush a little money in the direction of developing my newest innovation? I call it The Eater. This bio-toilet uses engineered friendly bacteria to efficiently digest human waste, and produces a tank full of methane bio-fuel as a side product. Good for the environment, good for cutting household bills, basically just really good sh...” The noisy flatulence of your junior minister cuts her words short.

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#1070: Skeletons in the Closet [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
@@RANDOMNAME_1@@, one of your party’s rising stars, has come under intense scrutiny after incendiary and offensive comments made several years ago were discovered on @@HIS@@ social media profiles.

The Debate
1. “How unfair this is!” wails the disgraced politician, throwing @@HIM_1@@self a pity party in your office. “There’s no way I can win reelection with everyone against me! I made those posts long ago; they don’t reflect my current politics! I mean sure, they’re a bit racist and moderately sexist, and there’s a couple of tasteless jokes about the disabled... and I may have said something about a university club initiation ceremony and a pig’s mouth, but if I issue a public apology and act as if I actually mean it, then you can come out in support of me again. It will be like nothing ever happened!”

2. “We can’t associate with this toxic lost cause,” mutters your chief spin doctor, ushering @@LASTNAME_1@@ out of the room. “However, we need to make sure nothing like this ever happens to us again. I mean, which of us can say that our online history is spotless? We need legislation protecting the ‘right to be forgotten’, with individuals — and more importantly the government — able to force ISPs, news websites and social media to delete data after a certain amount of time, or at an individual’s request, and with the ability to prosecute those who show or reference censored history. The past should stay in the past.”

3. “Everyone must be held responsible for everything they say, no matter how long ago they said it!” yells journalist @@RANDOMNAME@@, bursting from @@HIS@@ hiding place behind an oversized yucca plant. “It’s despicable that someone can get away with such nasty comments, which probably reveal someone’s true beliefs better than the carefully managed statements and speeches they’ve made in adult life! People like this must be forced to resign, and the media should be congratulated for their incisive investigative journalism!”

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#1071: Up the Creek [Australian rePublic ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
1. One of the longest rivers in @@NAME@@ is also a major shipping lane in @@REGION@@. Bigtopia, a downstream nation, has unveiled its plans to dam this river, prohibiting any ships from travelling further upstream and beyond its waters.

The Debate
“Bigtopia obviously has some problems that it’s trying to address by constructing a dam,” points out your Minister for Solutions, Revo Gnidneb. “Let’s offer the Bigtopians solutions to their problems so that they won’t have to build anything. I heard they want a dam to generate power. Let’s just sell them lots of cheap electricity. Maybe the Bigtopians want a dam to supply themselves with water. @@NAME@@ can supply them with water instead. Whatever it takes to change their minds, let’s do it! It’ll be worth it if our trade routes remain open.”

2. “The lifeblood of my people is at stake!” cries the ambassador from an upstream landlocked country. “My country’s only access to the sea is through that river! If that damned dam gets built, cargo ships would be unable to travel to and from my nation! Bigtopia won’t listen to our pleas. What do you say we and the other upstream countries gather an army and blow those asshats out of the water?”

3. “Oh, cry me a river,” advises @@RANDOMNAME@@, a civil engineer, whilst pulling out a map. “We can just build a new canal connecting our portion of the river to the sea.” He draws on the map with a marker. “This could be the route. If we give grants to nearby inland towns, they could expand out to the banks of the canal and become port cities! Sure, the proposed route runs through land that isn’t owned by our government, but that’s what diplomacy and money are for! It’s a win-win-win!”

*4. “Our cities will be dead in the water,” laments the Minister of Transportation. “But we have an opportunity here. Since we no longer can rely on our river, we finally have good reason to improve our transport infrastructure. We can have new railway lines, and... new upgrades to our highways! And new airports! And a rolling highway! A rolling highway would be cool!” [Must have planes]

*5. “Our cities will be dead in the water,” laments the Minister of Transportation. “But we have an opportunity here. Since we no longer can rely on our river, we finally have good reason to improve our transport infrastructure. We can have new railway lines, and... new upgrades to our highways! And a rolling highway! A rolling highway would be cool!” [Must not have planes]

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#1072: Holographic Harmonization [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a hologram of the recently deceased musician Jack Michaelson stole the show at last night’s @@NAME@@ Music Awards, the ethical question of using holographic technology to bring back the dead has dominated national news.

The Debate
1. “Think about how many @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ can be made!” enthuses concert promoter @@RANDOMNAME@@, handing out Jack Michaelson memorabilia to your staff. “Jack Michaelson is still one of the most popular musicians in @@NAME@@ despite his unfortunate death. It’s not just advances in holographic technology either - with AI algorithms able to copy his composition style, we could even see him producing new material. Not even death can stop us!”

2. “Nobody asked me for my opinion!” wails @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@, the pop star’s widow, while holding on to her late husband’s pet monkey. “If my Jack were still alive he would never have allowed this abomination to take his place. Do you shameless sell-outs have no respect for the dead? We must let the dead stay dead!”

3. “People also said computers and the internet were just fads,” muses self-described mad scientist Bongani Plantagenet while analyzing your coffee with a microscope. “We could instead take things further: holographic dead actors releasing new films, holographic fashion models on a post-mortem catwalk, even holographic politicians of yesteryear giving stirring speeches and debating each other in government. Current politicians are already so empty-headed, err, present company excluded of course, that nobody will notice the difference. Imagine the possibilities! All I’ll need is some generous funding to get this project out of mothballs.”

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#1073: Much Ado About Everything [East Oceania; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
An unlikely alliance of risque comedians and baby boomers has barged into your office, annoyed about how easily young people get offended these days.

The Debate
*1. “What these immature juveniles need is good ol’ discipline!” says retired army Major @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, known by his neighbors as ‘The Major’. “Back in the day we didn’t have the time to be offended by everything and anything; we were too busy fighting for the @@TYPE@@. Conscript these fruitcakes; the military will set them straight.” [Must not have conscription]

*2. “What these immature juveniles need is good ol’ discipline!” says retired army Major @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, known by his neighbors as ‘The Major’. “Back in the day we didn’t have the time to be offended by everything and anything; we were too busy fighting for the @@TYPE@@. Stick these fruitcakes on the front line; proper soldiering will set them straight.” [Must have conscription]

3. “Why did the chicken cross the road?” asks famous comedian @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, as she reveals a punchline to your staff that elicits more shocks than laughs. “Look, I’m just trying to make a living here. Do you know how difficult it is when these kids are posting how insensitive my jokes are all over social media? Artists like myself should not have their careers destroyed just because some college students can’t appreciate a good joke when they hear one. We should ban the internet and save ourselves from the comments section!”

4. “STOP MICRO-AGGRESSIONS!” yells @@RANDOMNAME_2@@, not looking at you as she types intently on her cell phone. “Young people like myself understand how language is only a social construct to keep the oppressed subjugated, but the old ones don’t. It is high time people like these two fossils stop benefiting from the misery of this nation’s downtrodden. Sensitivity training should be mandatory for all people over 40.”

5. “It doesn’t have to be either way,” says your Secretary of Solutions, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as he takes away the phone from the teen, puts duct tape over the mouth of the comedian, and formally discharges the Major. “What we need is a government-approved words and phrases list. That way kids won’t be offended and comics can still make their jokes. It’s a win-win! Well, except for freedom of speech, but that’s not the issue here, is it?”

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#1074: Halting the Heirloom Heist! [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Occam’s Eleven, a sensational and skillful group of international artifact thieves, have been making the headlines after a series of successful heists. Rumours and international police investigations suggest that their next target is the Crown Jewels of @@NAME@@!

The Debate
1. “@@LEADER@@, it’s time that you recognised that our national treasures should be under lock and key, protected by heavy security,” insists @@CAPITAL@@ Chief of Police @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ Dreyfus. “Precious artifacts like these royal heirlooms shouldn’t be on public display where they are vulnerable, but should be placed in secure hidden locations. So rest assured, if you put the law in charge of this matter, we’ll stop the heists and bust these ghosts.”

2. “Regular cops aren’t enough to catch thieves like these,” claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a high-level official with the Ministry of Expensive Solutions. “It’s time to broadcast an SOS to the finest freelance detectives in the world, by offering a reward for the capture of the most notorious criminals. Maybe we’ll attract Hermione Clouseau, who solved the Crimson Cougar Diamond mystery! Or maybe we’ll get infamous bounty hunter Bobbi Feta on the case. Either way, we’re going to need the very best to catch crooks like these!”

3. “Expensive things are always going to be targeted by thieves; what we need to do is remove the temptation,” suggests your Minister for the Treasury. “Fabricate cheap petrochemical carbon-copies of the Crown Jewels for the royals to wear, and sell off the originals for the Treasury’s benefit. No thief is going to bother stealing worthless replicas.”

4. “You’re right that we can’t be stopped,” interrupts Billy ‘Razor’ Occam, the master criminal’s handsome face appearing on a widescreen wall monitor as he transmits to you from a beach in Manamana. “But honestly, we don’t need the crown, so let’s cut a deal. The, uh, extended family and I have always wanted to take an unsupervised tour of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Bullion Depository, Fort Rocks. I’ll call off the heist if you let us take a look around.”

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#1075: The Hand That Feeds [Gnejs; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
The all but non-existent agricultural sector of @@NATION@@ has concerned your policy advisors for some time. The nation’s great reliance on food imports is viewed as a major risk, due to the real possibility of your trading partners deciding to withhold much-needed imports as leverage to extract economic and political gains. The problem has been thrust to the top of your agenda after a high-profile public disagreement left a Bigtopian attaché making less than thinly veiled threats about cancelled shipments.

The Debate
1. “We can no longer depend on foreign nations for our food; it’s too dangerous,” warns one of your senior advisors. “We desperately need to aim for complete self-sufficiency. Let’s revitalise our domestic food production and immediately allocate government land for farming purposes! We’ll need a lot of labour. I suggest that the able-bodied adult population be randomly divided into several groups, with the duty of working on the farms rotating among the groups each year. Heavily fine those who don’t comply. Folks won’t be happy about it, but this is necessary for our survival. We currently grow none of the food we eat!”

2. “Yeah, that sounds great and all, except for the part where you expect me to go farming,” complains your secretary while undergoing an extensive pedicure program. “Why can’t you let in some of those weird refugees that are just hanging around the border? They could do the farming for us! They already smell, and I’m sure they’ll be glad of the work!”

3. “I don’t wanna use the word, but I’ll just say that Bigtopia is taking advantage of us,” rasps the thick industrialist Edward Rump. “When was the last time anybody saw us beating them in a trade deal? With Bigtopia, we are losing 500 bazillion @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ a year. We tax them practically nothing. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We’re gonna charge a tariff on the food they bring in until such time as they straighten out their act and behave properly. Bigtopia is but one of our sources for food, and we’ll just take our money elsewhere if they don’t play fair. And it’s all gonna work out; it’s all gonna work out. Remember this, remember this — it’s all gonna work out.”

4. “We obviously can’t leave ourselves to the mercy of our trading partners,” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, yet another one of your trusted advisors. “But turning all of @@NATION@@ into a vegetable garden and forcing people to tend it sounds like something the Khmer Bleu of Marche Noire would do! Let’s just provide some really generous incentives for potential farmers, all while maintaining our import quotas. We can tweak them every year. If we just keep this system up long enough, we’ll strike a balance eventually. Some say you can’t have it all, but we’re going to make a cake and eat it too!”

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#1076: Smokers Cornered [Lancaster of Wessex; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Despite widespread public awareness about the dangers of smoking, the habit still continues among a sizeable portion of the population. Shady looking teenagers, stressed-out office workers, and chatterbox seniors can still be seen puffing away.

The Debate
1. “There’s no better way to end this filthy habit once and for all than by hitting smokers where it hurts: no, not their lungs, but their wallets!” reflects @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Health and Ruining Fun, whilst crunching on a celery stick. “Making ciggies punitively expensive with enforced minimum pricing will make most smokers think twice before they buy their next pack and will have them abandoning this habit before you can say ‘cough’!”

2. “Um, if I may be so bold as to make a suggestion @@LEADER@@,” enquires @@RANDOMNAME@@, your office cleaner, as @@HE@@ briefly stops polishing your photo frame. “Cigarettes are one of the few pleasures the poorer members of society have. I beg you to find it within your heart to make smokes as inexpensive as possible.”

3. “By Jove, old sport, I have a smashing plan,” wheezes rotund blue-blood Charles Uppington-Noseworthy. “The government should prohibit cigarettes, while permitting only the more dignified forms of tobacco: cigars, pipes, and snuff - but please - avoid the hideous levies on them. Just think about it: chaps would finally be gentlemen again, and the air would be rich with scents of spice, cedar and carcinogens! As for the ladies - well, they should not partake in smoking; ‘tis not becoming of the fairer sex.”

4. “This has to be the most disgusting habit ever,” opines ex-smoker @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving a heavily chewed pencil at you. “Cancer, lung disease, heart disease, financial costs. There is nothing good about smoking, nothing. I’m totally glad I quit and I so don’t follow smokers around to inhale their second-hand fumes. You need to ban all forms of tobacco now! Get that temptation away from me... I mean, for everyone’s health!”

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#1077: With Friends Like These... [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A TV network recently aired a rerun of Enemies, a popular television series from twenty-five years ago. However, the humor has dated badly, and many of the jokes are now being seen as transphobic, homophobic, bigoted, and racist.

The Debate
1. “My eyes!” screeches your niece, obviously distressed and trembling with shock. “How did anyone ever find this funny? It’s just sick, absolutely sick. Like that one episode when they pejoratively used the appellation ‘gay’ to describe someone who was being emotionally vulnerable? Disgusting! You’ve got to ban re-runs of bigoted shows like this once and for all, so no one else will have to endure these offensive horrors!”

2. “Hey, what’s the dealo?” questions Ross @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, one of the stars of the show in question. “This is classic comedy, man. I mean, you couldn’t get away with saying half the stuff that we did, but you’d be destroying a national masterpiece. We need to keep this to teach people what Garden at 6th Mile Road used to be like. Keep the history, man, don’t ever be censoring entertainment!”

3. “Heh, have I got a solution for you,” mutters your bored-looking Minister of Propaganda, twiddling @@HIS@@ thumbs absent-mindedly. “My ministry will take control of producing content that will both be inoffensive and pro-government. While we’re at it, give us control of news media too. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical.”

4. “For Violet’s sake, the average @@DEMONYM@@ has gotten far too soft,” comments one of your brothers, looking at your niece with disgust. “We need to educate them to have thicker skin and take a joke or two, no matter how crude. How about we add a class or two in our education system that’ll teach ‘em how to handle some humor?”

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#1078: Down With That? [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ cruise ship ran aground last week in the treacherous waters off the southern coast. The captain, @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, had infamy bestowed upon @@HIM_1@@ after it was found that @@HE_1@@ abandoned ship before all of the passengers on board safely made it off, defying centuries of maritime tradition.

The Debate
1. "Twenty people drowned in that accident, and that scum-bag decided his life was more important?" rhetorically asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the surviving passengers of the ship, still visibly shaken by what had occurred. "Ship captains should always see to it that everyone on board gets off safely before they do – after all, they can't direct the rescue effort if they aren't on the actual ship! If they don't, we must punish these cowards to the fullest extent of the law!"

2. "Let's not be too hasty about assigning blame here!" counters Captain @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, who's remarkably shorter and skinnier than you expected @@HIM_1@@ to be. "I'm just as traumatized as anyone else. I was actually helping coordinate the rescue operation, albeit from the safety of land. It's not my duty to add to the death toll, is it?"

3. "That captain is nothing but a lily-livered land-lubber!" scoffs Rear Admiral @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. "When @@NAME@@ first took to the seas, the ship's captain was obliged to go down with the ship, even if they were within spitting distance of the shore! It was the honourable thing to do back then. We should return to our maritime traditions and any captain that doesn't like it should be given a good ol' keel-hauling!"

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#1079: What’s Love Got to Do With It? [The Free Joy State; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue:
When you walk into your office, you see @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_1@@, your personal secretary, in a passionate — and completely illegal — clinch with @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@, your other brother.

The Debate
1. “Yes, Bart and I are in love,” sighs @@RANDOMMALENAME_2@@, as your personal secretary straightens his tie and smooths his hair. “We’ve been meeting in secret for three years now. It’s been difficult, and I’ve hated hiding it from you. I so wanted to tell my favourite sibling that I met a wonderful human being: intelligent, articulate, caring... but because of the law, I didn’t dare. Isn’t it time to change that law? Do you know how it feels, to be unable to walk down the street with your sweetheart or even buy a Violetine’s Day card without being harassed? Wouldn’t it be just fabulous if we could have the same rights as heterosexual couples?”

2. “Of course they kept it a secret,” barks your traditionalist Minister of the Interior, as he slams his riding crop repeatedly against his own thigh with unusual pink-cheeked glee. “Because they’re nothing but a pair of sodomites. ‘Love’? Pah! They are no more capable of such wholesome emotion than a pair of orang-utans. And what do we do when we want an animal to cease rutting? We neuter them. All sexual inverts, regardless of gender or social position, must be taken to a medical centre and doctored, so they are incapable of feeling lascivious lusts.” With a long sigh, he finally brings the crop to rest.

*3. “That seems awfully... draconian,” muses @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your Minister of Public Schools, whose fifteen year marriage is childless. “I was just saying to my wife Alex — she’s busy at the forge today: who doesn’t go through a phase in their younger years? It’s expected for a young man or woman to have a very close chum, with whom they tousle, and cuddle and even snog a bit. So I hear. @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ will grow out of it. There’s no call for any, shall we say, unpleasantness. Just encourage weddings with a pro-marriage campaign, a matchmaking service specifically for those with close same-sex friends seeking simpatico spouses, and a monetary gift to newly-wed couples. He’ll soon find a nice gal, and forget all about @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@... erm, Bart.” [Marriage is legal]

*4. “That seems awfully... draconian,” muses @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your Minister of Public Schools, whose fifteen year relationship is childless. “I was just saying to my partner Alex — she’s busy at the forge today: who doesn’t go through a phase in their younger years? It’s expected for a young man or woman to have a very close chum, with whom they tousle, and cuddle and even snog a bit. So I hear. @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME_2@@ will grow out of it. There’s no call for any, shall we say, unpleasantness. Just encourage matchmaking services specifically for those with close same-sex friends seeking simpatico partners, and award a monetary gift to those who find an opposite-sex mate. He’ll soon find a nice gal, and forget all about @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@... erm, Bart.” [Marriage is illegal]
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Feb 26, 2019 2:41 pm, edited 32 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1080: The End Was Nigh [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
48 hours ago, Lieutenant Colonel @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air Defence Force received a nuclear missile detection alert advising @@HIM@@ that an ICBM from the hostile nation of Blackacre was inbound for @@CAPITAL@@. According to military protocol, @@HE@@ should have reported this immediately, which would have led to a nuclear counter-strike. However, @@HE@@ suspected a false alarm, and did not alert anyone of @@HIS@@ findings until later. Subsequent investigations showed that the system had actually detected a red balloon.

The Debate
1. "@@FIRSTNAME_1@@ saved the world from apocalypse!" sings Mrs. @@LASTNAME_1@@, @@HIS_1@@ doting mother. "Had @@HE_1@@ reported this, we would all now be radioactive ash! @@HE_1@@ should be lauded as a hero, and a saviour of the world's future! Speaking of the future, you should really put more tax money into malfunction detection training and overhauling the equipment. If my little angel isn't on duty and something like this happens again, who knows what might happen?"

2. "Sure, let's reward @@HIM_1@@ for not doing @@HIS_1@@ job," sneers your Minister of Propaganda. "We'd become an international laughingstock. Instead, we must pretend this never happened, and @@RNAME_1@@ must be demoted and appropriately disciplined for breaking protocol." @@HE_2@@ leans forward to whisper in your ear. "We'll probably need to do something about @@HIS_1@@ mother, too."

3. "The fact that we're always on the verge of nuclear apocalypse is a real problem here," suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, pacifist author of nonfiction paperback Nukes: What Are They Good For?. "We must get rid of all of our weapons of mass destruction, so we can avoid, you know, destroying the world."

4. "Hey, what idiot put a red balloon up there?" asks globophobe Willy Denbrough, who had a bad experience with a clown back in 1986. "They're a waste of helium and are just useless nasty things. If we ban balloons, we'll be sure this problem won't arise again!"

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#1081: The Queen in Yellow [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
An undergraduate medical statistician has stumbled across a weird occurrence: three of the five actors involved in a theatrical piece called The Queen in Yellow, as well as over ten percent of the members of the opening night audience, have since received diagnoses of various psychiatric illnesses. The media have picked up on this, labelling it “the play that sends you mad”, and predictably ticket sales are now skyrocketing.

The Debate
1. “I, uh...” stutters Cassilda, a former actress in the play, dismissed for ‘creative differences’. “I, uh, cth... think you fh... should stop the sh... show. My dreams haven’t been right since I was in the pl... play. The strange m-moon, the sh-shadows lengthen...”

2. “Selective reporting!” shouts mathematics professor Camilla Whateley. “It’s like when they claimed that fighter jet pilots were having more female children, all over again. You need to learn how selection bias and basic statistics work. More to the point, the nation needs to learn how these things work. I’d suggest making stats a compulsory part of a properly funded core school curriculum. 85.7% of the seven statisticians I surveyed agree this is a good idea. The other guy, he’s just an annoying smelly little...”

3. “But...” interjects an excitable stranger with a queer narrow head, a flat nose and bulgy, starry eyes. “But this is the most important theatrical production since Shoggoth on the Roof! Please accept these free tickets from us devoted fans, then personally endorse this wonderful play.”

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#1082: It’s Hard to Separate the Truth From Entertainment [USS Monitor; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After an election season featuring bake-offs, dance-offs, rap battles, wet T-shirt contests, and occasional sumo matches between candidates for public office, some people think politicians are spending too much time on publicity stunts and not enough time on serious debate.

The Debate
1. “They aren’t just publicity stunts,” claims Tulsi Haggard, a surfer and country music star who serves as a member of Congress in her spare time. “These events are an important way for candidates to show that they’re in touch with regular people. In fact, we should encourage candidates to express their individuality on the campaign trail. Now would you like to hear my latest song about sales tax exemptions?”

2. “When people run for office, they should be talking about the issues, not their music career,” says politician Lisbeth Burrows as she looks around your office and sketches a plan for redecorating it. “You don’t see me running campaign ads about how many computers I hacked for fun or how many tattoos I have. We need more responsible election coverage and better oversight of the process before we end up with Edward Rump or Catherine Gratwick leading our country.”

3. “Even if Tulsi Haggard stops parading around half-naked, Lisbeth Burrows stops talking about her fry bread recipe, and Ernie Flanders stops conducting symphonies, that won’t stop voters from getting duped,” sulks your Foreign Secretary, Hillary Smoochinger. “As long as elections are a popularity contest, personality politics are going to get in the way of choosing the most qualified candidates. We should just conduct surveys to find out what policies our citizens want, and you could appoint the most qualified experts to implement them. It’s still democracy, except that people are recommending policies instead of voting for candidates.”

4. “What do we need surveys for?” asks yogurt manufacturer and inflammatory political activist Steve Dannon. “If people aren’t smart enough to see through these campaign gimmicks, they aren’t smart enough to know what policies are best for the country. The fact that these people are allowed in positions of power and I’m making yogurt should be all the evidence you need that democracy doesn’t work. Why don’t you just get rid of it? I’d be happy to give you some advice on how to run things.”

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#1083: Public Protesting Pawnbroker Pickpockets [Aethyric Peoples; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
After a ring of black market fences were caught dealing in stolen goods from @@CAPITAL@@ to the rural village Noh Weir, pawn shops have fallen under scrutiny for their role in reselling illicitly-acquired wares.

The Debate
1. “@@LEADER@@, I’ve had it up to here with these pawn shops. They’ve taken it a step too far!” The flustered @@RANDOMNAME@@ shakes @@HIS@@ fist. “They bought my TV from a criminal! Then sold it back to me! Sure, it took me a week to even notice, and only because of the smell, but that doesn’t matter! They are accomplices to this crime, and I demand justice. No, I demand vengeance! No more second-hand stores!”

2. “We don’t need such a drastic decision,” pipes up Minister of Justice @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We just need to regulate these stores. Before any product can be sold, run these items through some police databases, and take extensive notes on the seller to crosscheck for criminal history. Sure, it will cost the taxpayers a bit, but they’ll make it back with the great deals on used stereo systems.”

3. Pawnbroker @@RANDOMNAME@@ removes @@HIS@@ sunglasses. “I’ve been in this business my whole life, like my father before me. But now a few bad apples are giving us a bad name. If you help subsidize a television show about our hard-working salespeople, maybe we can change the public’s mind. I’m sure we can meet halfway.”

4. @@RANDOMNAME@@ finally steps forward from the shadows, inviting you to kiss @@HIS@@ ringed hand. “Look, @@LEADER@@, let me be clear. This is a perfectly legitimate business. We can provide paperwork on our taxes and all. But I’d rather just give you a gift of a widescreen plasma TV. Just be careful, you might blind yourself on this picture quality. If you do, perhaps... turn that blinded eye toward our business.”

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#1084: How Now Kowtow? [Nuremgard; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Following an incident in which a newly appointed diplomat from a small neighbouring nation attempted to greet the monarch of @@NAME@@ with a high-five, people are questioning just how much deference should be shown to royalty.

The Debate
1. “People have forgotten how to treat their social betters,” says arch-conservative courtier @@RANDOMNAME@@, whose manservant holds a pack of ravenous hounds on a leash. “Giving proper deference to our reigning sovereign is the duty of every patriotic and right-minded subject. A bow or curtsy is not enough. Citizens and visitors must demonstrate true respect by prostrating themselves on their hands and knees before the monarch in a deep kowtow. Maybe then they’ll learn their place.”

2. “I don’t think we need to go quite that far,” interjects Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, squirming away from the hounds who are showing particular interest in @@HIM@@. “I am all for giving respect to the monarch and their family, but there is no need to kowtow. With a simple bow or curtsy, people can show respect and maintain their dignity.”

3. “Kowtowing? Bowing and curtsying? What century are you all in?” exclaims Prince @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, heir of the nation that caused the incident, who was recently featured in Monarchy Magazine’s ‘40 Cool Courtiers Under 40’ issue. “Why doesn’t the monarchy show how with-it and relatable it is by abolishing all protocol? It’ll make the sovereign of @@NAME@@ closer to the people!”

4. “Or, we could just get rid of the monarchy,” suggests unconventional socialist @@RANDOMNAME@@, author of famously short manifesto Simple Solutions for Troubled Times. “Then we wouldn’t need to worry about how much respect to show the monarch, because there won’t be one. Simple.”

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#1085: Nuke Before You Leap [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Traditionally, the leader of @@NAME@@ is the only person in the country who can authorize the use of nuclear weapons. However, the increasingly threatening rhetoric between @@NAME@@ and Blackacre, another nuclear weapons state, is making the top brass of the military concerned that the lack of checks and balances could easily trigger a nuclear war.

The Debate
1. “There needs to be more than just your authorization to launch an attack with our WMDs,” asserts General @@RANDOMNAME@@, the senior commander of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military. “It’s not that we don’t trust you. It’s just that this Blackacre situation is giving us lots of sleepless nights. All it would take is for one insult or threat to be taken too seriously and we’d be hurled into a devastating war we may not recover from. Launches of WMDs should require the approval of the military brass plus some additional checks and confirmation codes, not just your assent. Nothing wrong with being a little cautious, is there?”

2. “Getting everyone’s consent takes time, and time is a luxury we can’t afford in a volatile situation,” states your security adviser while drawing devil horns on a picture of Blackacre’s leader. “Do you think the dictator of Blackacre is going to waste time with consultants when she decides to launch her nukes? We need to act fast in these kinds of situations. You, @@LEADER@@, need to have the ability to unilaterally declare nuclear war and launch our most powerful weapons without anyone getting in the way. Just push the big red button and Blackacre goes poof!”

3. “Or better yet, you can start dismantling those weapons!” demands your wayward niece, wearing a t-shirt with the words ‘No More Torpedoes’ emblazoned across the chest. “These bombs are capable of destroying Zeesh ten times over! @@NAME@@ must make a stand and take the first step towards peace. Ban weapons of mass destruction, and other brave nations will surely follow suit. I don’t want my future children to inherit a post-apocalyptic @@NAME@@!”

4. “The problem here is the figurative big red button itself,” muses Dr. Honey Bell-Lecter from the Institute of Thought Experimentation. “Launching nuclear weapons is an action that would definitely kill millions and could kill everyone in the world. Simply ordering a nuclear attack doesn’t have enough moral cognitive weight to it. Thus, the launch codes should be stitched in the viscera of one of your loved ones. That way, you can still trigger global Armageddon if you deem it necessary, but having to first kill and disembowel your loved one makes the suffering sufficiently real for you and forces you to confront the ethical consequences of your actions.”

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#1086: Fun in the Sun [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Neighbouring Bigtopia has gone on a tourism promotion overdrive, with spectacular advertising that is bound to attract visitors in their droves. Worried by the likely fall in foreign arrivals, your Tourism Minister has suggested an area of @@NAME@@ be marked for development. However, what area should be selected and what type of activities should be promoted?

The Debate
1. Oi guv’nor, what them tourists want is to feast their peepers on real life, with real people,” suggests ‘Acksaw ‘Arry, a colourful gent, who has an equally colourful association with the law. “Spend a few bob building up the working-class areas of @@CAPITAL@@. We’ll take them tourists round our gaffs, get their laughing gear round a few Dame Ednas, and have a knees-up round the ol’ Joanna.” One of your aides, who is from that area of @@CAPTIAL@@, translates: “He said that the tourists should experience traditional home hospitality, with beverages and a sing-a-long.”

2. “One proposes that you send those tourists to one’s stately home,” opines Rubert Holdsworth-Wellington, an eminent member of @@CAPITAL@@’s old money. “There’s acres of room, literally. There will be fine dining available throughout their stay and for entertainment they may savour some outdoor pursuits. For example: one’s two-acre maze, horse-riding and of course, learning the skill of hedge artistry. Just pay one a stipend for allowing those riff-raff into one’s home.”

[3]. “G’day mate! Send ‘em tourists down to the beach,” declares Sheila Billabong, as she hands her surfboard to your Tourism Minister. “We’ll show them how a true-blue @@DEMONYM@@ lives life in the sun. We just need you gumument fellas to put shark nets all over the place; then those tourists will be riding waves in no time!” [Must not have a trash environment]

[4]. “Y’all shouldn’t listen to those guys; they’re all hat and no cattle!” states Chuck Butch III, whose riding spurs barely fit through your door. “Send those tourists to my ranch; there ain’t nothin’ bigger or better. We’ll show them how to herd cattle, use a lasso, and treat them to the biggest darn steak they’ve ever seen! With a bit of extra moolah from the gov’ment, I’ll set up a rodeo. Yee-haa!” [Must not be vegetarian]

5. “Yodel-lay-ee-dee,” exclaims Frau Helga Krapps, who is trying to set a new fashion statement with her pinny. “Ze tourists vould be much better coming to my ski resort in der Alpen region of @@NAME@@. They can stay in mein beautiful chalets overlooking ze pistes. Ve have skiing, snowboarding und sledging for ze little munchkins. I just vant ze government to let us put artificial snow on the slopes for drier seasons. Danke!”

6. “Hey man, we should, like, promote sustainable ecotourism,” insists Dylan, a tatty looking fellow who you swear just had a small creature rummaging around in his beard. “Our countryside is pretty cool, @@LEADER@@. The government should make laws to protect our forests and rivers, then those tourist dudes will come in swarms to marvel at Mother Nature’s creations man!”

7. “Get off my property!” yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is rumoured to be the grumpiest @@MAN@@ in all of @@NAME@@. “I don’t want no tourists coming over here and having fun, especially near me. Hey, you tourists! No fun, do you hear? Folks used to be able to have fun ‘round here, then some tourists came along and started having some fun - ruined it for everyone. Tell them tourists they’re not welcome here!”

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#1087: An International Dictatorial Dilemma [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
The Despojanbourg Republic is a tiny but strategically located mountainous country that has long been in your nation’s repertoire of allies, despite its reputation for below-average human rights. The authoritarian, fiercely pro-@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ government is a linchpin of regional security. However, a recent series of enormous protests calling for “real democracy” and “new leadership” has shaken its stability to the core.

The Debate
1. “You can’t let our friends go down if you can help it,” explains strategic analyst @@RANDOMNAME@@, who almost looks like a different person every time you see him. “Despojanbourg has helped us eliminate countless terrorist cells and apprehend many other criminals. They have scratched our backs so much, it’s time we scratched theirs. I recommend sending a military expeditionary force to crack down on the protests and help them root out dissidents. It’ll probably look bad in the press, but we have to stay safe.”

2. “You’re right, it will look awful in the press,” notes your rarely seen Minister of Whispers after entering the room through a concealed passage under the floorboards. “That’s why we need to be much more subtle about this. Instead of soldiers, send in operatives to assist their secret police, diplomats who will promise to negotiate changes - without actually doing anything, and ‘election observers’ to come up with even more creative ways of rigging their upcoming sham elections. Nobody will ever know a thing.”

3. “Why are we propping up a failing dictator?” questions @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of your more idealistic and hot-headed advisors. “Just because they were nice to us one or a hundred times? No, declare your support for the coming revolution. Call for real, free, and fair elections! These people deserve a government that isn’t hopelessly corrupt. I’m sure the members of their current administration will receive a fair trial... as long as they’re not beaten to death by angry mobs first.”

[4]. “You’re partially correct,” notes Major General @@RANDOMNAME@@, who reportedly uses a level to ensure that @@HIS@@ haircut is perfectly flat. “The people of Despojanbourg absolutely have a right to democracy, but our people also have a right to stay safe. Therefore, the solution is obvious: let them have their new government, but inform the new administration that we’ll end all military and economic assistance unless they allow us to convert some of their land into @@DEMONYM@@ military bases. Sure, they might complain about ‘sovereignty’, but sovereignty doesn’t stop Maxtopian-inspired terrorists. We do.” [Must supply foreign aid]

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#1088: Inexpert Opinions [Atlantica Primerous; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Scandalously, a recent TV interview revealed that your Minister for Public Health doesn’t know much about being healthy. She didn’t know the difference between a bacterium and a virus, and thought that Ebola was the name of a Bigtopian princess.

1. Director of Communications Malcolm Capaldi has had a very busy day shouting at his inferiors, but makes some time to shout at you. “Right, that is it! I’ve had enough of politicians with no experience or knowledge of their department’s aegis. It’s about as useful as asking a brain surgeon to climb a tree! What’s next? An Environmental Advisor who doesn’t believe in climate change? I say we need properly qualified professionals leading their departments. A doctor caring for the health service, a teacher in charge of education, and so on. In fact, there should be a mandatory examination paper that you have to pass to hold a government position. No more idiot politicians, please!”

2. Much to everyone’s surprise, Anna Harishchandra, the shamed Public Health Minister, squeezes in through your window, having climbed a tree to your floor. “Whew... I think I’ve evaded those journalists! I agree that we must ensure this doesn’t happen again. We ministers should be better supported in our appointments; we can only be as good as our briefings! A proper team of aides and analysts for all officials will ensure we don’t get caught out again, even if it increases administrative costs. Oh, by the way, in case anyone asks you, it turns out Ebola is a type of disease!”

[3]. Rummaging through your desk for valuables, an uninvited burglar decides to comment. “If I may speak for us decent working folk, I can honestly only name one or two ministers in your Cabinet. Why? Because we, the people, didn’t elect them. No one in government should be doing a job unless the public chose them for it. We must hold elections for all ministerial posts. There’s only like six of them, aren’t there?” [Must be democratic]

4. Your mother walks in with a tray of freshly baked cookies for everyone. “I don’t know about all these big ideas; the problem is quite simple. Only you know how you want to run this country. It’s all well and good having friends to help but I’m not sure they actually do anything. Surely you can do it all yourself, little darling; you shouldn’t let anyone question your decisions or your absolute rule. Any spare politicians that won’t bow out gracefully you should get rid of. Just give them a poisoned cookie or something.” She smiles innocently as your Public Health Minister desperately spits out a mouthful of crumbs.

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#1089: Woman Trouble [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Since you reaffirmed your government’s opposition to female suffrage, a band of highly militant suffragettes have been causing trouble in @@CAPITAL@@, inflicting criminal damage on property and even employing violence against policemen.

The Debate
1. “Pah! This women’s rights rubbish is all piffle and poppycock!” boos Henry Hasquith, your Minister of Misogyny and author of the scientifically dubious pamphlet Women Have Squirrel Brains, and 999 Other Facts. “Women lack the temperament for politics, and they are more than adequately represented at the ballot by their fathers and husbands. If women stepped into this masculine sphere, nature would be destroyed; women would lose their sweetness and become masculinised. Suffragettes are palpably and demonstrably clinically insane. Lock these poor souls in an asylum, for compassion’s sake, and give them every treatment to cure them of their morbid hysterias.”

2. “I’d caution underestimating the so-called weaker sex,” warns special branch police chief Brendon Steed. “These terrorist suffragettes are not ill; they are seditious criminals. They don’t need to be rehabilitated, they need to be defeated! The very fabric of social order is at risk here - give me and my men the resources and permission to do what is needed, and we will break the back of this rebellion.” He slaps a truncheon into a leather-gloved hand. “Literally.”

3. “We have to face facts: these women aren’t going away,” mutters your pragmatic Minister of Solutions. “Maybe we should give them a little of what they think they want. Limited women’s suffrage isn’t going to hurt us, if we’re careful about not giving them any real power. It’s not like they’ll use it, anyway. After all, some women have worked in trusted roles in @@NAME@@ for many years. But we shouldn’t go around, implying suffrage is a right, regardless of stability or status. How about we grant women over thirty the vote, as long as they hold property, and pass an intelligence test that demonstrates they intend to vote for the right party? Surely that’s a fair solution that everyone can live with.”

4. “This disparity cannot stand,” shouts suffragette Christine Pankhurst, bursting into the room and hurling a Votes for Women banner at you. “For the laws we obey, for the taxes we pay, we demand our right to have a say! This deplorable oppression has forced us to do that which we would never do: break the law so that our own government will finally hear us! Yes, some government buildings might have had their windows broken; some mail boxes may have been blown-up. But only by striking at @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ society could we get you to listen. We were driven to desperation by your constant disregard of our plight. We are not law-breakers; we wish to be law-makers. And it is incumbent on you, @@LEADER@@, to give us the vote and a chance.”

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#1090: I Ain't Afraid of No Girls [The Free Joy State; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
The all-female remake of the cult camp comedy film Ghost-Smashers is the latest in a string of controversial female reboots of beloved media franchises. This trend has not gone unnoticed by the blogosphere, which has been alight with uneven reviews, some applause and thirty-page dissections of each line.

The Debate
1. "This is a desecration of a classic," reads a rant from the blog of InternetGenius72, who boasts in his bio that he is forty-five and can quote every line of the original Ghost-Smashers backwards. "The original wasn't about four chicks; it was about four dudes, okay? Four dudes with cool shades and boilersuits and short-wave sonic matter-busters. Now, they've turned it into four chicks, with families and feelings and they replaced the matter-buster with an ionising particle-blaster. What's next? The maverick cop movie Dirty Harold remade as Dirty Harriet? I'm not a sexist or anything, but I want people to stop tampering with the classics. Filmmakers should make something new — remakes and sequels always suck."

2. "The female-led reimagining of the iconic Ghost-Smashers is one small step to placing women in the driving seat of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ cinema, and I say it's about bloody time!" shouts the host of feminist panel-show HERstory, looking nonplussed when people in the room don't cheer. "@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ media has traditionally portrayed manhood as strong and powerful, while womanhood is depicted as the sweet and subservient helpmeet. Well, I say we promote media that show men being sweet and women being the tough leaders of tomorrow they were born to be. Can I get a whoop-whoop?"

3. Your computer pings with a message: "My name is @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, and I represent The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Kings, which aims to rebalance the power between men and these hussies. First, they got the vote, but that wasn't enough. Now they ruin our movies, looking without shame down camera lenses and swearing and flirting with men who don't even deserve a woman. All while taking great parts from good men who would've been great actors. It's time you put these uppity slatterns back in their place. Ban womenfolk from playing any role that doesn't portray modest, sweet and submissive ladylike behaviour. P.S. Porn is fine."

4. "All these people are crazy," mutters @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Film Appreciation Society. "Nevertheless, it has to be said that there has been something of a dearth of quality parts for women and minorities. And this Ghoulie-Hitters — is that right? — hardly seems to redress the balance with its gaudy effects and lack of nuanced characterisation. We must fund high-quality films that provide meaningful and intelligent roles depicting the trials of three-dimensional @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ men and women of all backgrounds. Loud whizz-bang effects may be more attention-getting, but it's the stories and the people that truly matter."

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#1091: The Great Divide [Koreas North; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Due to a mix-up at the border, a number of immigrants have been sent backward, downward, upward and sideways to various detention centres across @@NAME@@. In the midst of the confusion, several thousand children have been separated from their parents.

The Debate
1. “Look, these migrants have clearly violated the law! Clearly!” says your Head of Immigration @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ closely inspects the stamps on your passport. “Not only did they cross the border illegally, but then they have the gall to ask for citizenship. Sure, the children may not enjoy being separated from their parents, but that’s what they get for breaking the law! If it was national policy for illegal immigrants to be treated as the criminals they are, to have their kids taken away, far fewer of them would come to our country. Guaranteed.” @@HE@@ runs out of your office to pursue a worker with a Marche Noirian accent.

2. “Seriously?” gasps @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, who just got out of her latest therapy session with her eight-year-old child. “Look at my little @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@. He was separated from me at the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ border, taken away the moment I asked for asylum. He spent so many months in that state facility that he can hardly talk in Bigtopian, and he keeps trying to arrest the other young children in the playground! You must end this cruel immigration policy immediately. Your country needs more migrant workers, @@LEADER@@, and my boy needs his mother. A child should never be separated from their parent!”

*3. “The whole immigration system is a joke!” says the proudly neutral lobbyist Neutron Neutralson, who changed his name from @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@-@@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ to prove a point. “Separating children from parents? Putting immigrants in jail? Deporting migrants back to the wrong country? Here’s what we do: hire more staff and do more checks for undocumented migrants at the border. Just ask questions every @@DEMONYM@@ can answer and get proof of residency. If they are here illegally, send them straight back as a family. It’s not hard to balance compassion with efficacy, for crying out loud!” He sighs exasperatedly as your Head of Human Services sits in the corner, literally crying out loud. [Must have prisons]

*4. “The whole immigration system is a joke!” says the proudly neutral lobbyist Neutron Neutralson, who changed his name from @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@-@@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ to prove a point. “Separating children from parents? Treating families like hardened criminals? Deporting migrants back to the wrong country? Here’s what we do: hire more staff and do more checks for undocumented migrants at the border. Just ask questions every @@DEMONYM@@ can answer and get proof of residency. If they are here illegally, send them straight back as a family. It’s not hard to balance compassion with efficacy, for crying out loud!” He sighs exasperatedly as your Head of Human Services sits in the corner, literally crying out loud. [Must NOT have prisons]

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#1092: The Boys from Brasilistan [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A report from your Intelligence Ministry reveals that an illegal lab deep in the jungles of Brasilistan has created several clones of the infamous genocidal dictator Lee Terallihitlah, a.k.a. “the Butcher of Bigtopia,” and placed them with adopted families scattered around the world, including some in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. “These children are a potential source of danger!” says death camp survivor @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Think what would happen if one of them rose to power in @@NAME@@ and repeated Terallihitlah’s crimes here. They have to be put under surveillance to make sure that never happens. And if they turn out not to be as evil, then we ought to be monitoring them to protect them from those with a misplaced sense of vengeance against them. Either way, everybody is safest if we keep a close watch.”

2. “That’s not enough!” yells Bigtopian human rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “What if someone marries them without knowing? What if they have kids? Terallihitlah systematically murdered millions of Bigtopians because he believed we were genetically inferior. We can’t allow his DNA to stay in the gene pool! These abominations must die!”

3. “What is wrong with you people?” civil rights lawyer @@RANDOMNAME@@ wants to know. “Don’t we have anything better to do than judge people by their DNA? These children aren’t Lee Terallihitlah and they haven’t done anything wrong. It should be illegal to discriminate against people based on their genes.”

4. “Hey, like, maybe we can use this,” says controversial pop singer Britney Speer, as she bounces into your office dressed in a bizarre mix of sequins, body paint, and fascist regalia. “You can recruit the clones to work for you and have them travel the country promoting patriotism. What could possibly go wrong?”

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#1093: Ignorance is No Excuse? [Matroyska; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After a widely followed trial in which an ordinary citizen was prosecuted for tax evasion, insurance fraud, and serial jaywalking due to small legislative changes that were only implemented the previous month, many are questioning how changes in the law should be communicated to the general public.

The Debate
1. "It's not my fault I broke these idiotic new laws if I wasn't even aware they existed! How was I supposed to know that claiming my seven cats as dependents for tax purposes was no longer legal?" protests @@RANDOMNAME@@, who was recently convicted and is awaiting sentencing. "Every time new laws are put in place, there should be a two-month grace period before they can be enforced. Furthermore, to make sure each citizen is aware of the changes, the government should send regular updates on new legislation to every registered address in @@NAME@@. It's the only way to stop travesties like this from happening again!"

*2. "Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?" taunts spokesperson @@RANDOMNAME@@ from Webflix, one of the largest digital streaming services. "Everyone gets their information from the internet now. Just incentivize all of the streaming services to regularly provide updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own show, hosted by celebrities like what's-@@HIS_1@@-name, @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, and maybe even @@RANDOMNAME@@. The people will love it! Everyone will want to watch @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Law News Forum on demand!" [Must have internet]

*3. Nobody sends letters any more; what are you, a square?” taunts @@RANDOMNAME@@, the managing director of the @@ANIMAL@@ News Channel. “Everyone watches TV now. Just incentivize all channels to regularly show updates on new legislation. In fact, we could have our own weekly show, hosted by celebrities like what’s-@@HIS_1@@-name, @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, and maybe even @@RANDOMNAME@@. The people will love it, tuning in every week to watch @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Law News Live!” [Must not have internet]

4. "Why should the taxpayer fork out for information no one uses, or allow grace periods for corrupt people to repeatedly break laws and plead ignorance?" asks devoted penny-scrimper @@RANDOMNAME@@, who appears to have helped @@HIM@@self to the entire contents of the candy dish in the lobby. "If someone wants to know something, they should have to find it out at their own expense by doing their own research. If that's too much effort for the couch-potato youths of today, then they'll just have to risk the legal consequences of their misguided actions!"

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#1094 A Political Cover-Up [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A complication arose yesterday when three ambassadors from the conservative nation of Althaniq had a meeting in @@NAME@@, only to find themselves surrounded by a bunch of naked diplomats.

The Debate
1. “You must do something about this outrageous impropriety!” exclaims Ambassador Myron Jakeem, trying his best not to look at you. “Your custom of nudism may be fine for you, but it’s completely unacceptable in our culture. I beg of you to allow your people to wear proper clothing during international meetings - for the sake of human decency.”

2. “Look, I’m not saying that everybody is a pretty sight,” begins @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ diplomat @@RANDOMNAME@@, making no effort to cover the more pendulous parts of @@HIM@@self. “But why should we pander to their culture? If anything, they should be showing respect for our ways. They need to loosen up: we should force them to disrobe when they come here. Once they’ve experienced the freedom of nudity, they’ll appreciate how liberating it is!”

3. “Or, you know, you could just put some clothes on everyone,” suggests your mom, as she hides her modesty behind the drapes. “It’s not only diplomats who are finding this lack of a limitation restrictive! I honestly don’t know where to look while I’m talking to your grandparents, frying food is downright painful, and don’t even get me started on trying to go for a morning run. You must put an end to compulsory nudity!”

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#1095: Make The Cut [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
When the grass on a roadside patch of lawn in front of @@RANDOMNAME_1@@’s house grew so long that a herd of wild deer moved in, the local council tried to force @@HIM@@ to mow it - a job @@HE@@ claims is not @@HIS@@ to do. Unexpectedly, this all-out turf war escalated over several months, till finally the problem has found itself on your doorstep.

The Debate
1. “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” complains @@RNAME_1@@, who has showed up wearing nothing but a grubby string vest and stained briefs that have seen better days. “Some whinging council nerd says it was me land to mow and I gotta mows it! So then I told ‘em since it was me land, I can do whats I wants with it. Then they tell me it’s their land, but I gotta mows it. Anyways, I tells ‘em: if it ain’t me land, then it ain’t me bloody problem to mow the land, is it? If they want it mowed, they can bleedin’ mow it themselves!”

2. “Surely you can’t expect us to look after every nature strip in our local government area?” asks Councillor @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving the red-ink-covered printout of the Local Authority’s annual budget. “By the time we pick up litter and pull weeds, we’ll need to be doubling our council rates! And when we do increase our rates, everyone chucks a stink! Force the idling bludgers to be socially responsible for once in their lives, and get them mowing!”

3. “The whole problem appears to be that it’s not the resident’s land,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Creative Solutions. “So what if we were to change that? Expand land rights out from the front door to the road. Homeowners get a land windfall, local authorities get to devolve responsibility. What could possibly go wrong?”

4. “Hard problems need hard solutions,” observes @@RANDOMNAME@@, manager of ConcreteIsUs. “Why don’t we just pave over the damned nature strip? That way it won’t matter whose land it is as no one will have to mow it.”

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#1096: En Bloc [Jutsa; ed: Gnejs]

The Issue
Upon allowing @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ to vote, it has come to light that elements in society are training large teams of them to vote for specific candidates and causes. With hordes of @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ forming an orderly line outside a nearby polling station, you decide to listen to a group of fervent bystanders.

The Debate
1. “Take a good, hard look at what we have become,” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, who, along with @@HIS@@ friends and family, have supported the same political party for decades. “Are you telling me it’s a coincidence that their voting patterns are virtually identical? That they all willingly would vote against their own interest, like supporting candidates deep in the pockets of the agricultural-industrial complex? I’m telling you, animal-whispering yahoos are allowed to vote tens, even hundreds, of times through their ‘associates’. It’s unfair, and it’s voter fraud. Clearly, we need to forbid @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ from voting.”

2. “Don’t say that around Mr. Puffles,” lectures Mama @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, covering her pet’s ears with a crochet scarf. “If @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ are being manipulated to vote a certain way, we need to find and crack down on those trying to abuse the system. In addition, you should install an unbiased program to teach @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ how to resist this kind of conditioning, allowing them to vote freely, of their own mind.”

3. “With @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ this was bound to happen,” whispers Milo Cesar in a Wezeltonian accent, while asserting his dominance over Mr. Puffles. “They are intelligent, yes, but crave leadership. It is only natural that they seek guidance. The real question is, who is best fitted to guide them? Perhaps it is you? My rates are very reasonable, and with discipline and affection - in that order - I will make you the leader of the greatest pack @@NAME@@ has ever seen.”

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#1097: What Do We Do With a Drunken Sailor? [Caracasus; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue:
The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ navy has always allowed shore leave when docked at ports in the tiny allied nation of Prudenlund. However, after a brawl involving two hundred rowdy sailors in Prudenlund’s quiet city streets made international news, the admiralty has begun exploring ways to repair its image.

1. “This... this is disgraceful!” states red-faced Rear Admiral @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. “These sailors are acting like common hooligans! I say we round them up, court martial the ringleaders and forbid all shore leave for the foreseeable future. Our reputation is at stake here.”

2. “It’s not shore leave that’s the problem here, it’s the devil’s nectar!” notes dour-faced Warrant Officer @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. “Let our sailors have their shore leave, but forbid them from drinking. We’ll just breathalyze them on their way back to the ship. As for any that fail... well, we can always break the old cat o’ nine tails out of the naval history museum.”

3. “A drop of @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@’s blood never done us any harm!” chants Bosun’s Mate @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, swaying slightly from side to side. “Getting hamm... er, drinking on shore leave is a sailor’s right from time immemorial! Those stuck up Prudenlundians wouldn’t know a good time if it smacked them round the head with a bottle! If they’re so opposed to our lot enjoying themselves - then our ships should just avoid their ports and maybe we should stop trading with them too. That’ll learn’em!”

4. “Now... now wait here just a minute...” slurs a queasy cadet who appears to have gatecrashed the meeting. “I’ve been talking to my mates, right... and we don’t wanna be in the navy any more. We might have to kill people and that’s kind of a downer... but on the bright side, we throw the best parties! Say, that’s a thought - let’s get rid of the whole navy nonsense and open up our warships for party cruises!”

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#1098: Edged Out [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Banning guns has reduced gun crime, but in its place knife crime is rising. A recent anonymous survey of teenagers suggests that a frighteningly high proportion of them carry a blade routinely.

The Debate
1. "My son was stabbed three times," weeps @@RANDOMNAME@@, parent of a hospitalised teenager, "all because he looked at someone the wrong way. Well, yes, and spat in the girl's face. Sure, and he poked her once or twice with his finger... look, that's not the point! We have to ban concealed weapons of any sort!"

2. "A knife is a vital tool!" exclaims outdoorsman @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, using his Bowie knife to peel a banana. "Responsible adults like me shouldn't be punished! Just ban blade ownership till the age of majority; let grown-ups carry whatever blades they need to. Ouch!" He yelps as he nicks his finger.

3. "Tribes in the Kawandaland jungle give children knives to play with as soon as they can walk," observes hippy mum @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, handing her six-year-old son a bottle of bleach for his household chores. "Maybe if we trusted our children more, they'd learn responsibility at an early age. I say that every child should be encouraged to keep a knife on them, and taught to use it for creative purposes, like whittling or splint basketry."

4. "I can't believe one is reduced to this; I'm frankly dying of embarrassment here, old chap," mumbles @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, an adolescent highwayman waving a silver butter-knife at you as he tries to mug you. "How is any self-respecting criminal meant to be taken seriously these days? For the sake of our national dignity, my dear bureaucrat, you must allow us to have our firearms back! Also, give me your valuables, or I'll slice your gizzard."

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#1099: New Satellite Blues [Ransium; ed: Pogaria]

The @@NAME@@ Aeronautics and Space Administration (@@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA) is currently reviewing proposals for a new flagship satellite project. Debates about the merits of each plan have become so intense that a recent fight resulted in thousands of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ in damage to pocket protectors, calculators, and glasses. Agency heads have therefore deferred to you to decide which project should be chosen.

1. "This isn't rocket science!" states @@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA astronomer @@RANDOMNAME@@, @@HIS@@ bow tie still ruffed and @@HIS@@ glasses askew from the recent funding fight. "@@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA needs to create wonder in the young and old alike, while also performing cutting-edge science. My proposed space telescope, Bubble, is the ideal tool for this. Think of what pictures it could take: supernovas in the process of erupting, crystal-clear images of nebulas on the shoulders of Orion, C-class stars glittering near Tannhäuser Galaxy. Without Bubble, all these moments will be lost, like tears in the rain."

2. "I find my colleague's position to be myopic and self-serving," declares remote sensing specialist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is sporting a black eye and torn suspenders. "Who cares what's happening a million light-years away? Our real problems are much more local. Right now, man is causing rapid changes to the surface of our planet, endangering major ecosystems. The best way to understand these changes is from space. My proposed LANDSPOT satellite will be equipped with cutting-edge tools such as hyperspectral imaging and advanced LIDAR, giving us a whole new perspective on this little blue marble we call home."

*3. “Space may hold a terrible secret!” warns asteroid hunter @@RANDOMNAME@@, while rubbing @@HIS@@ knuckles. “Do you remember what happened to the dinosaurs? If we don’t want to share the same fate, then the first step is arming ourselves with knowledge. My proposed Guardian satellite is specially designed to find and track the orbits of all potentially dangerous near-Earth objects. If we find something, we’ll take the second step: arming ourselves against the asteroid by implementing my Star Battles missile shield project.” [Must not have dinosaurs]

*4. "Space may hold a terrible secret!" warns asteroid hunter @@RANDOMNAME@@, while rubbing @@HIS@@ knuckles. "Do you remember what happened to the dinosaurs? I mean, before we brought them back? If we don't want to share the same fate, then the first step is arming ourselves with knowledge. My proposed Guardian satellite is specially designed to find and track the orbits of all potentially dangerous near-Earth objects. If we find something, we'll take the second step: arming ourselves against the asteroid by implementing my Star Battles missile shield project." [Must have dinosaurs]

**[5]."You think your average @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ on the street is going to care about any of those things?" asks the stylishly dressed CEO of Horizon Communications. "Doubtful. Now, tell them they'll be able to load a WhoTube video from their phone a whole second faster and I promise you they'll be interested. @@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA and Horizon must partner to create the most cutting-edge communications satellite the world has ever seen. The nation's phone reception will be the envy of @@REGION@@, @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ will love you for it, and I will finally be able to buy the yacht I deserve." [Must have private industry; Must have internet]

**[6]. "You think your average @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ on the street is going to care about any of those things?" asks your stylishly dressed Minister of Patriotic and Anti-Capitalist Communications. "Doubtful. Now, tell them they'll be able to load a People'sTube video from their phone a whole second faster and I promise you they'll be interested. @@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA and my own ministry must partner to create the most cutting-edge communications satellite the world has ever seen. The nation's phone reception will be the envy of @@REGION@@, @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ will love you for it, and we'll finally show those dirty capitalists what a people united can achieve." [Must not have private industry; Must have internet]

7. "Don't listen to their lies!" whispers a wild-eyed stranger, while sneaking past your security. "The entire @@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA is actually conducting a program to broadcast subliminal messages straight into citizens' brains. I've been listening to their secret transmissions through my teeth fillings. They're playing you for a sucker, I tell ya! You must remove all funding from @@NAMEINITIALS@@ASA and divert it to things that do demonstrable good, like mental health services. I hear there are people out there that really need help."
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:04 am, edited 44 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1100: Raiders of the Lost Archive [Helaw; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
News has reached your ears that a long-lost governmental document - known only as the Directiones Ad Balneo - has been finally discovered by a group of archivists that had adventured deep into the immense @@CAPITAL@@ Archives. Not wanting to risk their lives with such spelunking again, the archivists have petitioned the government to properly organise all of its innumerable files and records.

The Debate
1. "We almost lost @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ to the jaws of a great book avalanche!" raves @@RANDOMNAME@@, the archivist who led the expedition. "This whole thing was expensive, dangerous, and exhausting. You have to get your lackeys to go through every document we have and organise them, so that we don't have to endure something like this again. Your team has to be ruthless and destroy any document that's obsolete or redundant!" @@HE@@ grabs you tightly, and pulls you towards @@HIM@@. "Please, don't send me back into that maw of legality and horror."

2. "A disorganised library is one with character," argues @@RANDOMNAME@@, picking up a discarded copy of a constitutional document. "These assortments of books act as reminders of our nation's past, and they can act as a blueprint for the future. We have placed these records here over the years to preserve them and use them as bricks in an architectural masterpiece of colossal scale; it would be unwise to recklessly catalogue them in the pursuit of some notion of organisation. Besides, our government is running just fine and we have more important things to worry about."

[3]. "It's time to move into the digital age!" decries @@RANDOMNAME@@, brandishing a portable hard drive. "We can digitise every document we have, and release all of them for every person in @@NAME@@ to see! The wondrous power of both man and machine can help us learn from our past texts, and build something new and beautiful." [Computers are legal]

4. "What's to stop a thief from waltzing into those archives and stealing top-secret documents?" exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a prominent member of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ military. "It is clear that all of this bureaucratic faffing about is stifling @@NAME@@'s actions. I propose that we transfer all confidential files to the military's safe and secure hands, and rid ourselves of the other... disposable pieces of paperwork. After all, an efficient nation is one that does not look back into the pitiful past."

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#1101: Unreal [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A study in the journal Periodical for Learning About the Sociological Misadventures of Audiovisuals has revealed that young adults who watch reality television are more likely to experience negative social interaction and emotional effects than their peers.

The Debate
1. “Reality television gives the impression that what is appearing on television is, in fact, realistic,” complains lead researcher Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, hiding @@HIS@@ Television is for Squares badge beneath @@HIS@@ labcoat. “In fact, it’s scripted and heavily edited fiction. Constant arguments, excessive expressed emotion, unrealistic body expectations, instant gratification: these lead to youths acting out in unacceptable ways and to a general negative inertia in society. All these shows should carry disclaimers to explain how reality is being misrepresented, and all schoolchildren must be taught about the distortions in these shows.”

2. “Like my sister Chrissie says: don’t be haters just ‘cuz you ain’t us,” natters Christina Cholmondeley, of popular reality show Crashing Out with the Cholmondeleys, as she flicks her hair. “Reality TV is, like... what’s the word? Not Alsatian... aspirational. We aspire kids to be better than they are. If they’re fat and stupid, we make them want to be pretty and clever, like us. By acting like us, they can hope to be like us. Then they’ll have their own brand of perfume, like Chrissie C’s Pong of Class, which is on sale now, babe. Rather than oppress us, you should show your fans how awesome you are by being on our show... like, lots. @@NAME@@ needs our brand of style way more than political speeches.”

3. “Objection!” shouts arbiter ‘Judge Woody’, who earns one million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ per show, as he bangs his gavel on your desk. “@@LEADER@@, that Cholmondeley moron is selling you manure and telling you it’s chocolate. Does she think you’re an idiot? Brain-dead shows like hers are the reason why young @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have no motivation to get a real job. They see over-glossed and glossed-over lives, and think it all comes easy. Young people would be more focused if reality shows only showed serious professionals doing real jobs, and not lies about fame and fortune.”

4. “The problem is the negativity,” chimes preternaturally perky Baby Bebe Baker-Bell, who found fame as a child singing on @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ Have Talent (Honest!). “Backstage, wranglers stir up spiteful competition between contestants. They goaded me into calling someone a ‘meanie bo beanie’! I still wake up sweating. But maybe a better class of reality TV could instead nurture a pleasant society by encouraging participants to only be nice to each other, and by editing out the sad parts of life. Wouldn’t it be lovely if everybody got along better?”

5. “We must escape from dreary reality,” says @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, your nephew and a recent graduate of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Academy of Dramatic Art, as he strikes a stereotypically heroic stance. “By forcibly reallocating all reality TV slots and funding, we could tell intelligent stories and pay good wages to highly skilled actors who have a classic face suited to play either the dashing lead or the brooding baddie. Noir mysteries, sultry sagas in country houses, earthy dramedies, pulsating thrillers, period pieces of pride, prejudice and penury; with funding, we could usher in a golden age of quality @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ drama.”

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#1102: The Sickest Criminals [Candensia; ed: USS Monitor]

The Issue
Inmate @@RANDOMNAME@@ died in prison yesterday after years of battling cancer. The death of the prisoner has prompted humanitarian groups to call for a compassionate release policy for terminally ill and elderly inmates.

The Debate
1. “A portion of our imprisoned population lives in holding cells when they really belong in hospice care,” says well-known philanthropist @@RANDOMNAME@@, wringing @@HIS@@ hands over the images of bedraggled inmates in grimy cells that @@HE@@ has spread across your desk. “A compassionate release system will allow these inmates to live out their days free from the encumbrance of incarceration. Yes, they might be criminals, but anyone who considers the elderly, debilitated, or dying a danger to society should consider a wellness check themselves.”

2. “We can’t just release inmates every time they get a hangnail,” wheezes sickly-looking former sheriff @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ slaps a truncheon in @@HIS@@ palm. “Sure, compassionate release might cut costs, but at what cost to the community? Tell me, what’s stopping these crazies from going on crime sprees following their release? Arthritis? Keep these people in prison, @@LEADER@@! Convicts should serve the entirety of their sentences, even if it means they get paroled out the back door.”

3. “I’m all in favor of keeping criminals off the streets, but prison infirmaries aren’t adequately equipped or staffed to handle inmates who often end up sick, stabbed, or sometimes both,” declares prison nurse @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ shows you over a dozen shanks @@HE@@ has collected from @@HIS@@ patients. “I mean, the sheer number of items one can substitute for a surgical suture is impressive and all, but @@NATION@@ should really invest in prison medical facilities and personnel capable of supporting all who dwell within the walls.”

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#1103: Dàguó Takeaway [Australian rePublic; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Dàguó companies with ties to their autocratic government own a wide range of power stations, water processing plants and railway lines in @@NAME@@. One such company has expressed interest in buying yet another asset: the Port of @@CAPITAL@@.

The Debate
1. “You can’t be serious!” gestures @@RANDOMNAME@@, a Dàguó defector who owns a lucrative business in @@NAME@@, yet is too afraid of @@HIS@@ birth country to list @@HIS@@ company on the stock market. “They poisoned our water supply, burned our crops and delivered a plague unto us! Well not yet, but are we just gonna sit around and wait until they do? Dàguó’s not exactly benign on the geopolitical stage. By allowing them to invest in our commodities, we’re potentially jeopardising our national security. We need to block the sale of any asset to Dàguó.”

2. “This is very counter-productive!” declares Dàguó’s ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, accidentally allowing you a glimpse of @@HIS@@ list of spies posing as construction workers. “Companies from Dàguó have brought in plenty of capital to @@NAME@@, and have built and invested in a great deal of infrastructure. Dàguó projects are ultimately good for @@NAME@@ and it’s offensive to suggest that our companies are problematic simply because they are owned by the Dàguó government.”

3. “If we didn’t sell off our important infrastructure in the first place, we wouldn’t have this problem, would we?” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ uses a stack of Communist Manifestos as an impromptu soapbox. “Privatising our assets is a terrible practice; the supposed benefits have not been delivered to the people. As such, we should nationalise all corporate property right away.”

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#1104: Balancing the Books [Braskia; ed: Ransium]

The Issue
After selling just 187 copies, How to Repair Your Cat for Dummies was shockingly still the national #1 best-seller this year. In response, a small group of effete, sweater-vest-clad bookworms have used copies of War and Peas to barricade themselves in your office.

The Debate
1. “That’s truly shameful,” sighs local librarian @@RANDOMNAME@@, pulling a copy of The Visible Hand from within the deep pockets of @@HIS@@ overcoat. “The solution is subsidizing books. The reduced prices will encourage Flanderlionians to buy a good ol’ book again. Infinite knowledge is waiting just behind those pages, @@LEADER@@. Folks just need a little nudge.”

2. “It’s not their choice anymore,” declares your Minister of Education, while reluctantly putting down a copy of The Complete Works of Shakespeare. “People don’t realize what they are losing by not reading. If @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ stopped watching ‘The Brash and the Backstabbing’ and actually read something, we’d have a more interesting, enlightened, and productive populace. For everyone’s sake, make it mandatory to read a book every month.”

3. “What about us?” asks the best-selling author Bax Marry, already signing a copy of his feline mending manual without you asking. “We are the ones that need help. It took five years of hard work and painful scratches to figure out how to properly cauterize a cat’s cataract. You know what we need? A little incentive to keep us inspired to make great masterpieces. Establish a government-sponsored workshop to help up-and-coming writers. I could teach them a few lessons I learned while writing my smash hit.”

4. “Uggh, if you can’t write in three sentences or less you’re being overly wordy,” mutters one of your secretaries, while briefly scanning a summary of the erudite malcontents’ requests. “If people don’t want to read a lot, why force them?”

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#1105: A Green History Lesson [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Inspired by the message of environmentalism, @@RANDOMNAME@@ — the latest scion of an old family — decided to install solar panels on @@HIS@@ home. However, his house is also the centuries-old Summer Palace, a world-famous and highly-prized example of 18th-century @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ architecture.

The Debate
1. “Well, I say @@LEADER@@, this is all fuss over nothing,” asserts @@LASTNAME_1@@, while inspecting the nutritional information on the side of a green juice box. “The world will be a wonderful place once everyone pitches in to save the environment. These solar panels cover all the electricity and heating needs of my sixty bedroom ancestral home. I think your government should follow in my footsteps! Put solar panels on every government property to show the world that we mean to take a stand against climate change! Think of the future!”

2. “Simple vandalism, that’s what this is,” rages Professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, a lecturer in Enlightenment history, putting @@HIS@@ fist through a priceless stained glass window as @@HE@@ waves @@HIS@@ arms around in anger. “This palace is a unique structure, with key architectural experiments in its design. To cover up the world famous tile-work would be an eyesore and an irreparable blow to historical preservation! You must maintain a list of culturally significant locales that cannot be tampered with, for the sake of posterity. Think of the past!”

3. “Wait, why is an entire property of this size being powered and heated for just one resident?” asks egalitarian socialist @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ rearranges the documents on your desk into eight stacks of exactly equal height. “We should seize this and other oversized homes as state property, and reassign the living space on a fairer basis to house the homeless. Let’s face it - this wealthy landowner’s ancestors got their wealth through exploitation and violence. Meanwhile, there’s poor people living on the streets, right now! Think of the present!”

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#1106: Some Body to Love [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Teen pop star Sigourney Waialiki decided to celebrate her birthday and "just legal" status by selling her virginity to the highest bidder. The online auction has now closed, with the winning bid not far off the national average for six months' wages.

The Debate
1. "This is my body and my choice," squeaks Sigourney in her annoying trademark high pitch lil' girl voice. "Me and the buyer - whose identity I will absolutely keep confidential - are consenting adults engaging in free market capitalism. Just like in my new song, released next week: Free Love Doesn't Come Cheap. By the way, have you seen your brother round here? I have a... uh... delivery for him."

2. "This is totally demeaning to womankind!" complains ardent feminist Julia Cullen, her gaze lingering a little too long on the popster's posterior as she leaves the room. "If you care at all about preventing objectification, about human dignity, about the unhealthy false assignation of value to virginity, about the last hundred years of feminist progress, you have to take a stand! Ban this online prostitution, and put money into teaching young girls why they should respect themselves more!"

3. "Half a year's wages!" exclaims your Minister of Equality Juan King in disgust. "And how are the working poor meant to afford a price like that? Everybody should be entitled to a happy ending, not just wealthy fat-cats. You have to set a fixed price tariff for these services, as well as guarantees that a contract will be honoured, rather than leaving customers and prostitutes at the mercy of a free market."

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#1107: Welcome to the Party [Caracasus; ed: Gnejs]

The Issue
Party membership applications have never been higher; however, the quality of applicants has never been lower. After nearly one third of new members mistakenly identified a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ revolutionary hero as a popular soap opera star, and nearly two thirds thought that dialectics was something found in tea and coffee, various factions within your party have put aside their bitter rivalries to propose solutions.

The Debate
1. “Our revolution is in danger,” bellows @@RANDOMNAME@@, Junior Undersecretary for Defence and self-described Party Loyalty Commissar. “Every member, new or old, should attend a five hour theoretical Maxist-Lenyoist seminar and vigorously study the Quotations from @@LEADER@@. Based on this, they must undergo a compulsory loyalty test. If after all of that they still prove to be disloyal hangers-on, a few years mining salt should change their minds.”

2. “Well, that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think?” questions @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaning well out of the way of the flying spittle. “This serious lack of interest surely shows an underlying frustration with our Party’s monolithic approach. We should open ourselves up to debate and discourse from every tendency, not just the ones that can learn to parrot party slogans. After all, are we not at our best when we are butting heads in perpetual argument?”

3. “Look on the bright side: Party membership has never been higher,” states ruthless pragmatist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Does it really matter if the cat is black or white so long as it catches mice? Let’s reward our unwavering supporters with better living accommodation and other... incentives. In exchange, of course, for their undying loyalty to the Party.”

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#1108: A Whiskey Rebellion Brewing [Verdant Haven; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After several dozen citizens were hospitalized due to drinking from a contaminated batch of moonshine, the people have been at loggerheads over who should have the right to manufacture and distribute spirituous beverages in @@NAME@@.

The Debate
*1. “Let’s be realistic here,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, President of the Manufacturing Alliance of Liquor Traders. “These home operations simply do not have the training, the experience, the equipment, or the political connections to be permitted to make their own whiskey! It’s all well and good that they talk about freedom, but the members of my association paid good money for their manufacturing licenses, and we maintain the highest standards of quality and purity. The government needs to protect us! People must not be allowed to make their own booze at home.” [Must have private industry]

*2. “Let’s be realistic here,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, Director of the Home Oversight Panel for Spirits. “These unsanctioned operations simply do not have the training, the oversight, or the political authorization to be permitted to distill their own spirits! It’s all well and good that they talk about seizing the means of production, but the state-run manufactories exist for a reason, and we maintain the highest standards of quality and purity. We must enforce the law! We must not permit the private production of booze.” [Must not have private industry]

**3. “This isn’t just some kind of bathtub gin we’re talking about,” says devoted distiller @@RANDOMNAME@@, while reviewing the print roll from @@HIS@@ storage cellar’s hygrothermograph. “These are artisanal, maker-made, environmentally responsible, non-GMO, craft products that are far better than anything put out by those big-name distilleries! You can taste the difference! If some unscrupulous individual lets heavy metals leech in, or adds something unsafe, that’s not the fault of we connoisseurs! The government needs to back off, and give us all the liberty to make what we want in the privacy of our own homes!” [Must have private industry]

**4. “This isn’t just some kind of workshed samogon we’re talking about,” says aspiring distiller @@RANDOMNAME@@, while reviewing the print roll from @@HIS@@ storage cellar’s hygrothermograph. “These are artisanal, maker-made, environmentally responsible, non-GMO, craft products that are far better than anything put out by the government! You can taste the difference! If some unscrupulous individual lets heavy metals leech in, or adds something unsafe, that’s not the fault of we connoisseurs! We’re not trying to start a private business here - we just want to make a little something to share amongst friends!” [Must not have private industry]

4. “The bracing effect of a strong drink is absolutely top-notch for getting through the day!” opines Ebrius Foppington, a bearded gentleman wearing a top hat and monocle. “Why, I myself have several such drinks each morning, noon, and night! It helps keep the humors in balance, and makes socializing quite rather more tolerable. Really, we ought to require that everybody over the age of ten make their own suds, and partake regularly to ensure they don’t become phlegmatic. Bottoms up!”

5. “Home distilling and compulsory drinking?” shrieks Citizens Against Drinking activist @@RANDOMNAME@@, clutching @@HIS@@ heart dramatically. “What kind of horrifying nightmare world are you trying to create? Did you know that, according to the Department of Made-Up Statistics, 47.2% of all crime is related to alcohol? Are you trying to increase that number? What @@NAME@@ needs is to remove alcohol not just from our homes, but from the whole nation! Enact prohibition - there can be no exceptions!”

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#1109: Of Mice and Meth [Jutsa; ed: USS Monitor]

The Issue
A growing number of citizens are reporting sightings of strange animal behavior since the nation’s water supply was drugged, ranging from carelessness and daredevilry to frantic dancing.

The Debate
1. “You guys are the greatest in every way — especially you, dearest @@LEADER@@ — but this contamination is destroying our environment!” exclaims recreational urban habitat observer @@RANDOMNAME@@, sipping from a completely safe glass of government-approved tap water and dribbling some on the floor in @@HIS@@ excitement. “My colleagues and I all witnessed a colony of mice baying at a statue of you. Of course, I see something like that every day... but we all saw it this time! I’m sure you could cut the dosage of drugs in the water down to a safer level and people would still love you!”

2. “Whoa, who cares about, like, a few pesky rats? This water is, like, poisoning our pets, dude,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, an enthusiastic pet lover who was particularly thirsty this morning. “You don’t have to, like, stop stoning the water, but maybe you should sell some safe water specifically for pets or whatever. You could even make it taste funny to make people not wanna drink it. Then, like, maybe my bunnies won’t try to breathe water anymore.”

3. “Listen to this buffoonery-talk of baying rodents and suicidal rabbits; it’s obvious there is a problem, but not just with animals,” rants @@RANDOMNAME@@, a sociologist who’s secretly been drinking pond water. “Drugging our water supply is truly despicable, and you bottom feeders must stop it at once! It is hurting our environment, as it is hurting our civilization, and whoever told you this was a good idea is frankly pond scum. I-” @@HE@@ coughs up a little minnow.

4. “Listen to these dissidents; the drugs clearly aren’t powerful enough!” exclaims your Minister of Crowd Control and author of the internationally condemned book H2Whoa: @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Utopia. “If anything, we’ve got to dump MORE into the water supply! So what if a few people start reacting like the animals? A few people howling at the moon now and then is much less dangerous than letting them think.”

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#1110: Curtains for the Horrorshow [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After last week’s highly anticipated release of the new horror movie “Scary Dream on Fifth Street”, reports have been coming in that movie theaters across @@NAME@@ have been allowing children as young as five to watch the film despite the recommendation of ratings boards that the film is suitable only for adults.

The Debate
1. “Oh, the horror!” exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, president of watchdog group Mothers For Kids’ Safeguarding. “The parts with the eating of the brains, the horrible mutilations, that policeman with liberal politics... it was so gut-churningly disgusting, even I stopped watching! These children will be scarred for life! It’s time to crack down on movie theaters that are harming our younger generation: everyone, without exception, must provide proof of their age, and any who allow children to watch films rated for adults should be fined and prosecuted!”

2. Seven-year-old @@RANDOMNAME@@ has seen the movie in question and disagrees. “I liked the film. I especially enjoyed the part where the zombie tore off the man’s arms. My mommy says that because I’m a kid, I shouldn’t see this movie, but I think the ratings aren’t really rules. They’re just someone’s advice, right? Some of us children are really smart and are totally not as easy to influence as grown-ups think. And if you disagree, then... then... **** you, I’ll KILL YOU, you ****ING *********! RAAAAAARGH!” Security drags her away as she claws at their eyes.

3. “Who needs these kinds of movies in the first place?” asks your grandmother, drinking tea and reminiscing about her younger years. “Back when I raised your parents we didn’t have so many scary movies, and look how they turned out. The people who make the movies in the first place should have to test them in front of a young audience, and if even one kid gets scared or upset, the film should be banned. We can’t have these awful films being seen by the public, can we?”

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#1111: A Call for Change [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Foreign tourists visiting your nation’s cities have frequently commented on the high number of vagrants, beggars and panhandlers, especially around the major attractions. Now that the world-renowned Fat Tyreman Travel Guide has felt the need to specifically write an article called “10 Ways to Dodge Beggars in @@CAPITAL@@”, it’s probably time you addressed this national embarrassment.

The Debate
1. “Get gone, scum!” commands a police patrolman, displacing a camp of itinerants from a historic park. He turns to you. “Boss, we need more leeway in how we persuade vagrants to move on. I’m not talking about extreme measures here, just judiciously applied threats of arrest, the occasional tap from a truncheon, and maybe a water cannon or two.”

2. “You think they want to beg?” complains homeless left-wing protest musician Billy Boast, as he tries to free himself from the policeman’s grip. “We, the poor, are being trodden down by the rich. All we want is our fair share! I’m not talking about a socialist revolution here, just a few million social housing units and enough money for the bare necessities of life!”

3. “The problem isn’t begging in general, but specifically beggars ruining the ambience of culturally significant sites,” observes @@RANDOMNAME@@, from the Tourism Board. “Instead, subsidise construction of fences and walls around tourist attractions, so that only those that have an appropriately pricey entry ticket can enter the tourist areas. I’m not talking about defensive moats here, just some screening partitions to keep the riff-raff out.”

4. “Like that cartoon says: Hakuna Matata!” offers jovial beggar Tim Onn, with a little dance. “That means no worries, for the rest of your days! It’s not such a bad life out on the street, @@LEADER@@; you should try it for yourself. The open air, the sunshine, the refreshing rain... aaaaahhh! I’m not talking about making yourself homeless, but... hmm... actually, that IS what I’m talking about! To give you the chance to experience the wonderful world of wandering free, me and my buddies will trade possessions with you and your colleagues. Give me your house, your bank account, your jacket, your boots, your motorcyc... Sorry, wrong film. Give us all your stuff, and give the vagrant’s life a try. Hakuna Matata!”

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#1112: Stray Bullets [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Following your decision to shoot all stray animals, several “friendly fire” incidents have occurred where household pets have been killed.

The Debate
1. “Not my fault if owned pets look like strays, is it? You should force every pet to be registered nationally, and to wear a collar with a name tag saying who they belong to,” suggests Animal Control Officer @@RANDOMNAME@@, hefting a rifle with a prominent kill tally notched onto the gun’s stock. “They can then be taken in, have their owners notified, and be picked up. Of course, if their owners are non-responsive, or they have no identification, then we can safely assume that they’re feral and then... BANG!”

2. “Do you know how expensive that’ll be?” shouts your Minister of Finance. “Animal control is expensive enough already! Besides, think of all of those poor animals, being killed for nothing. The solution is clear to me. We need to respect the city’s ecosystem, and ban the killing of urban wildlife, once and for all.”

3. “Why do people have pets anyway?” sniffles allergy-prone police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@, who was bitten by @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ earlier in the day. “Domestic animals are filthy and vicious, and a burden on society. If we banned them, then animal control officers could shoot any animals they see on the street without worry.”

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#1113: No Sex Please, We're @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ [The Free Joy State; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Since reproductive sex was banned, a vocal group of slightly twitchy people have formed. Calling themselves the Anti-Sex League, they have attracted members from across society into their ranks, including one of your aunts, two uncles and three senior Ministers. They have taken a lifelong vow of celibacy, claiming recreational sex is a needless distraction in the age of vats.

The Debate
1. "Recreational intercourse is a waste of energy that @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ could spend productively," huffs @@RANDOMFEMAENAME@@, the League's red sash tightly wound around her hips and swishing as she jogs ceaselessly on the spot. "With compulsory chemical castration the sex instinct would be eliminated. Then @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ would choose to attend community classes on woodwork and entomology, go on long nature hikes and take part in nonstop energetic sports to burn off excess tens... just because they're fun."

2. "This crazy broad may be onto something," mutters your Minister for the Propagation of Leader-Love. "Your every thought is of pleasing @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@, @@LEADER@@. You would die for them. @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ must learn that and think of nought but pleasing you, perhaps dying for your love. When @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ love another supplicant... citizen, they are cheating on you, breaking that exclusive, reciprocal bond with their leader. Should we applaud adulterers? No! Punish these ingrates who reject the purest love the world has ever known by having any 'relationships'."

[3]. "Is that the best you can do?" cackles the Minister of Machiavellianism, twirling his rather stylish pencil moustache. "Puh-lease! I could have coughed that up before breakfast. Picture this: with no contraception, these women get accidentally sprogged-up. We need, ahem, willing sacrifices to the gods or whatever we do human sacrifice for. Hey, if some sad cows don't want their brats sacrificed, they shouldn't have done the four-legged foxtrot." [Contraceptives are illegal; Abortion is illegal; Human Sacrifice]

[4]. "Why ban something that helps improve bonding?" asks @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, your Minister of Misadventures, who looks a lot thicker at the waist than you remember. "Of course, no-one wants to bring children into the world viviparously. We're not sick! We... general, nonspecific people want to have children as nature intended, in a governmental vat. By distributing free contraception to all and permitting abortion, you'd enable people to enjoy an affectionate relationship with their partner without breaking the law." [Abortion is illegal]

5. "@@LEADER@@, you're not gonna listen to those repressed nutters in the Anti-Sex League, are you?" groans @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, author of sex-positive guide The Big Book of Bonking. "You should encourage @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ to adopt a healthy attitude. Perhaps provide more breaks so couples who work different shifts can see each other. Nothing's too good for the nation's health."

6. @@RANDOMNAME@@, of the Anti-Pleasure League, opens @@FIRSTNAME_1@@'s book and hurls it across the room, making hand-gestures to ward-off evil. "All these people show an unnatural desire for selfish indulgence. Vacuous pleasure brings societies to their knees. And pleasure begins when coitus and its one purpose are separated. Ban the vats and restore the reproductive function. Teach that congress is a grave task to perpetuate the @@TYPE@@, and not even remotely fun!"

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#1114: Patriotism Flagging [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
One afternoon, while taking a stroll through one of @@CAPITAL@@’s more diverse neighborhoods, you notice that many houses are adorned by flags. However, they are all national flags of foreign countries, and not one house is flying the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ flag.

The Debate
1. “Imagine the disrespect it must take to do something like this,” resents @@RANDOMNAME@@, your bodyguard, while pacing up and down the sidewalk. “We are being generous enough to allow these people into our country, and they can’t even show their support by flying our flag? Despicable. You must ban the flying of any foreign national flag, and mandate that every @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ graces their house with our great flag, the larger the better! This will show that their true allegiance is to our great @@TYPE@@.”

2. One of the residents, whose house is flying a Bigtopian flag, steps outside and joins in. “Just because I have a different flag, it doesn’t mean I don’t love @@NAME@@. Bigtopia will always have a special place in my heart; it’s where I was born and raised. Rather than cracking down on foreign flags, we need to celebrate them. You should hold a flag parade showcasing the many ethnic communities that make up @@NAME@@; it’s diversity at its finest!”

3. “I’m telling you, it’s those darn immigrants,” quips @@RANDOMNAME@@, your paranoid Minister of the Homeland, who’s twitching and itching @@HIS@@ hands furiously. “Without those folks here, we’d be much better off. You must stop any new people from entering our great nation and kick out the ones already here. Then, we’d be pure at last.”

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#1115: One in the Arm for @@LEADER@@? [Turbeaux & Tinhampton; ed: Caracasus]

The Issue
This morning, you were informed that the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Broadcasting Company is set to air a documentary on the legalization of needle exchanges in Skandilund. These provide sterile needles and allow safe injection sites for addicts to use recreational drugs without fear of arrest. Going by the small crowd gathered outside your office, it appears you weren’t the only one to hear about the documentary.

The Debate
1. “My gorgeous little @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ would have been saved if she’d been allowed to inject safely in a public place!” wails @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@, who lost @@HIS@@ daughter to an intravenous heroin overdose last month. “She is not alone - thousands of people die preventable deaths every year as a result of this unfair policy. Not only should we legalize these safe sites, but also provide state counseling and rehabilitation for anybody that looks like she or he may be a drug addict. Why have one death when you can have none?”

2. “I’ll just go out on an ominously scarred limb and say that this is a load of nonsense,” dryly notes retired sheriff @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, in between discrete sips from a hip flask. “Intervention this, inter-venal that, yet nobody seems to realize that keeping their mitts off drugs is the best way forward for us! Bringing this in would be as good as giving people the go ahead to break the law. We don’t want to encourage junkie scum who go around stealing everything that is not nailed down. We’ll just punish them like the other criminals.”

[3]. "We can't allow any drugs on our streets!" yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, knocking @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@'s hip flask out of @@HIS_1@@ hands. "It doesn't matter if it's cirrhosis of the liver or my old school friend dying of VODAIS after sharing needles with some whacko she's never met before! The only sane thing to do here is obviously to place a ban on all drugs, including alcohol and tobacco. No need to treat addicts if nobody can obtain addictive substances!" [Smoking is illegal AND Alcohol is illegal]

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#1116: To Each According to His Feed [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
While waiting for a table at the so-called “best restaurant in @@NAME@@”, you are told that the chicken has run out, the soufflé is suffering and the vegetable stock is out of stock. Meanwhile, the head chef has defected to the United Federation and the waiters are too proudly socialist to be servile. Despite all this, there’s such a mismatch of supply and demand for restaurants that the proletariat have to wait three months to book a table.

The Debate
*1. “Face facts, communism and fancy restaurants are ideologically incompatible,” asserts waiter @@RANDOMNAME@@, spitting in a glass, then giving it a polish with a dirty rag. “You need food that reflects our great nation. This, for example, is ‘jellyfish with binoculars’, a dish from the revolution.” @@HE@@ drops a plate in front of you of gelatin chicken and two large shot glasses of vodka. “Restaurants should return to honest proletarian food, for the noble worker. No menus, one dish only, but served with two great things: alcohol and community.” [Alcohol is legal]

*2. TBD [Alcohol is illegal]

3. “Drinking till your taste buds go numb is not a solution, comrade,” lectures rock farmer @@RANDOMNAME@@, dragging in a large iron cauldron with a heavy stone rolling around the bottom of it. “The communalist answer here is Proletariat Gumbo — a dish by the people, for the people! Have every diner bring something to add to the restaurant’s cooking pot, and in exchange they get a nice bowl of tasty stew. Grated cheese for the greater good. An onion for everyone. A stake in the people’s steak!”

4. “Quality service industries can exist in planned economies,” insists Minister for the People’s Palate @@RANDOMNAME@@, frowning as @@HE@@ adds a pinch of paprika to the empty cauldron. “We just need to sort out the logistics chains, dedicate state resources to retraining farmers and factory workers into being chefs and waiters, convert high-end weapon factories into haute cuisine restaurants and create a fair system of meal ticket distribution. You say petty bourgeoisie, I say tasty bourguignon. What is the point of state control of wealth if we don’t use it to create the good things in life?”

*5. “Or you could invite the experts in,” says entrepreneur @@RANDOMNAME@@, strolling into your office uninvited, and setting up @@HIS@@ burger cart in the corner. “Just say the word, and we’ll have fine diners built all across your nation. Not just for burger lovers either; there’ll also be pizza parlours, fried chicken huts, dealers in doughnut-dunking... Just open up a little bit to capitalist free enterprise, and we can have ourselves a feast!” [Must not be Vegetarian]

*6? TBD? [Must be vegetarian?]

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#1117: Suffer Little Children [The Free Joy State; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The Durum Pulsaverit Academy — a private educational institution for the offspring of an order of black-clad believers — has caused controversy when it was recently discovered that it was illegally administering corporal punishment on students for a variety of offences, including talking in class and poor penmanship.

The Debate
1. “Our accusers make it sound like there’s something cruel going on,” intones the school’s headmaster Killsin Barbon, who has a bimonthly lifestyle advice column in the order’s magazine: The Dour Digest. “They see not that it is done in love. A love of inflicting pai... piety. Youth is born wicked — disobedient, full of sin and forever questioning that which it pleases not their superiors to tell them — and such wickedness must be driven out. Our graduates are perfect citizens. Their sin-natures of treason and reason ripped from them, they then go through life as a meek and pure-minded mass. You should bring back corporal punishment in all schools. A beating a day keeps the badness at bay.”

2. “Merciful Violet! What unnecessary brutality,” tuts @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, headmistress of the Creator of Good Counsel Academy. “Our Creator would never sanction such cruelty on the wayward cherubs. You can discipline them without harshness: writing ten thousand lines, scrubbing graffiti from the wooden desks with a toothbrush, holding a dictionary in each outstretched arm. Teachers who resort to violence show a clear lack of training. All teachers must be taught more functional methods of managing recalcitrant munchkins, and given the necessary tools.”

3. “In the name of Her Jaundicedness, no!” An alarmed Marigold @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, Tranquil Yellowist and teacher from the Golden Light Academy, drops the daisy chain she’s been making. “This obsession with sin and punishment is precisely why so many see all religious people as nutjobs. Religious-run academies must report any staff member or parent who is suspected of breaking the law to the police, suspending staff from duty until the matter’s resolved. All schools must also submit to regular and thorough surprise inspections to prove they are the safe havens they ought to be.”

4. “This is why religious schools are harmful,” says atheist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Religious schools like Durum Pulsaverit barricade themselves with closed ideas, and augment them with abusive threats of eternal damnation. Look at this ten-year-old’s physics test: ‘How does electricity work?’, answer: ‘We can’t know’; ‘Why does electricity work?’, answer: ‘The Creator did it’. The kid got full marks! We should close every religious school, and put the children in state-run secular schools to focus on provable knowledge and scientific fact.”

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#1118: We Can't Cross That Bridge When We Get to It [Nedanelden; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
Several workers were killed and others injured in the recent collapse of a bridge being constructed across the @@ANIMAL@@ River.

The Debate
1. “My client’s partner was killed in this incident and @@HE@@’s demanding answers!” exclaims litigator @@RANDOMNAME@@, throwing a stack of folders on your desk. “Hundreds of petitioners, including many of my clients — ah, and the other victims’ families — will not be contented with the status quo. They need to know that their loved ones who go to work on these sites will most definitely come home at night. Instituting more safety guidelines might slow down the rate of construction work, but that just means more time to earn a living!”

2. “Objection!” cries prominent attorney @@RANDOMNAME@@, representing construction firm Bricks An’ Stuff. “These destructive laws would merely hinder businesses’ ability to perform their job: providing houses to our beautiful citizens, storefronts to our busy workers, and hotel skyscrapers to our guests!” @@HE@@ pats down @@HIS@@ suit before handing you a trunk filled with legislation suggestions. “Offer subsidies to businesses that perform safety checks, and trust companies to carry them out. They know what’s best, after all.”

3. “Aw, as if we need these damn rules an’ stuff!” mutters greying construction worker @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, running while holding power tools. “Real builders don’t need them to survive on the job. Back in my day, we worked our butts off like real men, and dealt with problems like these on our own! Get rid of those stupid laws, and let us show these sissies how it’s done.”

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#1119: Where There Isn't Smoke [Ransium & Caracasus; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Since the smoking ban, tragedy has struck @@NAME@@ as the most hip bars lack a certain je ne sais quoi, formerly smoke-filled back rooms are disturbingly transparent, and withdrawing smokers are beset with torpor. Oh, who are you kidding: powerful tobacco interests, wheelbarrows full of money in tow, have come to your office begging for the law to change.

The Debate
*1. "Productivity has declined in workplaces across the nation and we've got thousands of acres of tobacco plantations going fallow," states ex-Commissar for the Nicotine Production Committee @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The noble worker deserves their smoke break; who are we to take that away from them? Besides, what self-respecting socialist figure would be seen dead without a cigar clenched firmly in their teeth? All the cool communist leaders are doing it; why don't you give it a try?" With that @@HE/SHE@@ discretely stuffs a fine Manamanan cigar into your pocket. [Must not have private industry]

*2. "Think of the economic impact of the ban," begs former Nicotine 'R Us CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Tobacco farmers letting their fields go fallow, convenience store workers closing shop after losing their most lucrative products, advertisement agencies forced to switch to making Saturday morning kids cartoons, and yes, the employees of the tobacco companies sent to the poor house. Why, it's tragic!" @@HE/SHE@@ carefully wipes away a single tear with a check for a million bits, and discretely stuffs it into one of your pockets. "The economic stimulus and additional tax revenue of a complete lifting of tobacco restrictions should overcome any paltry health objections." [Must have private industry]

**3. "Dude, this tax revenue talk has me thinking," murmurs scruffy looking economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, who smells distinctly skunky to you. "On the one hand, legalizing tobacco and taxing it to the gills will bring in more revenue. On the other hand, legalizing all drugs and taxing them all to the gills will bring in even more revenue, which will then let you lower income taxes. It'll be a total economic multiplier effect... or something. Hey, did you know the word 'hand' is just the word 'and' with an 'h' at the beginning? Freaky." [Must have private industry]

**4. "It's not just the tobacco plantations that aren't at full capacity," states scruffy looking economics professor @@RANDOMNAME@@, sporting a shirt that bears the slogan 'Addiction is a Spook'. "Land across @@NAME@@ could be converted to marijuana plantations, poppy fields, and meth labs. Having the state produce all sorts of drugs could be a huge boost to @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ economic activity. And if you think a smoke break will make the workers more efficient, you should see them after an amphetamine break." [Must not have private industry]

5. "Is @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ health really for sale?" asks your personal doctor, stethoscope pressed to your chest. "Are kids growing up with parents who are bed ridden due to emphysema worth a few more bits in the coffers of @@NAME@@? How about hospital beds full of lung cancer victims? If anything, you should further discourage any renegade smoke-fiends by raising the penalties for getting caught holding or dealing tobacco."
Last edited by Jutsa on Sun Mar 17, 2019 4:22 pm, edited 43 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1120: Following Yonder Star [Bears Armed; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
The rulers of three distant kingdoms have all requested permission to enter @@NAME@@ and visit the small town of Betraisa during a specific week this year. When asked for an explanation, they each disclosed that a keen interest in astrology had led them to believe that a long-prophesied religious teacher and leader of mankind would soon be born there. When pressed for further details about how to identify this individual, however, they all decided that letting your government know any more might not be the wisest thing to do.

The Debate
1. “Hallelujah!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Culture, Religious Affairs, and Tourism. “We must welcome this opportunity, aid those three kings in their visit, and honour the Prophet-to-be! We will surely improve our chances of salvation... and attract more tourists in the future, too. Yes, these visitors might end up starting a bizarre cult, but we should support religious freedom, right?”

2. “Who do these wise guys think they are, wanting to waltz into our country and proclaim that a baby has higher authority than your own?” scoffs @@RANDOMFIRSTAME@@ Herod, your Head of Internal Security Services. “I suppose we could try letting the kings in and following them to see whether they all select the same newborn as this prophesied one. If that does happen, you surely don’t want any potential rivals, do you? Wouldn’t it be a pity if Betraisa Hospital’s maternity ward burnt down at the end of that week, killing everybody inside? That sounds like just the sort of thing those Ultra-Violetist terrorists could be blamed for.”

3. “Isn’t your sister due to give birth soon?” inquires @@RANDOMNAME@@, the overly ambitious civil servant who is taking notes at this meeting. “Perhaps you might arrange for her to do so in Betraisa, proclaim your new nephew as this prophesied Holy One, and then appoint yourself as the child’s designated spokesperson. The followers of this new cult would do whatever you told them! For unto us a child is born, and @@LEADER@@ will be upon his shoulders!”

4. “Bah, humbug! What utter nonsense!” retorts Ebenezer @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, your Minister for Information. “Nobody should believe in non-scientific ideas like prophecy or astrology, or religion in general, anyway. What we need is a public education campaign against such concepts - then it won’t matter if some child coincidentally does match the supposed forecast.”

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#1121: Tribes and Tribulations [Nation of Quebec; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
A @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tourist was killed on an island inhabited by an uncontacted, neolithic tribe known as the Maxeliese. The victim's family is demanding justice, but the matter is further complicated by the fact that the tribe's island is considered Wezeltonian territory.

The Debate
1. "Those savages murdered my brother!" states @@RANDOMNAME@@, pummelling your desk in a fit of rage. "As they clearly don't understand concepts like 'respect for the rule of law', you should bomb the island and send them back to the Stone Age! That'll send a stark lesson to them and any other tribe that wishes to mess with @@NAME@@!"

2. "And risk going to war with Wezeltonia?" rebuts your Minister of Defense while folding out a map of the region. "Look, I sympathize that one of our citizens was killed, but frankly @@HE@@ should have known better. That island is clearly marked as off-limits by the Wezeltonian government. What we need to do is pressure their government to step up patrols to ensure that this tragedy never happens again, allowing this tribe to develop as nature intended. I'm sure we could lend a ship or two to help out."

3. "This tribe is a perfect chance to study living history!" exclaims famed archaeologist Iowa Smith, donning his trademark Stetson and whip. "These people are living just like our ancestors did thousands of years ago. Why not send a covert team to monitor them? Think of the scientific discoveries, the adventure! I'm sure the Wezeltonian government can be persuaded to help us out if we hand over those artifacts they say we stole from them."

[4]. "We must forgive these poor, unfortunate souls for their actions and help them!" pleads televangelist @@RANDOMNAME@@ after handing your uneasy interns a brochure about @@FAITH@@. "From what I hear, this tribe is ruled by shamans and witch doctors! If only they had the chance to hear the word of the Creator, whose words transcend even a lack of common language, they will cease their violent ways. All we ask is for some modest funding to send out expeditions so that these tribes can feel the love of @@FAITH@@!" [Must have unlocked @@FAITH@@]

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#1122: Easter Egg: Just Say No to E [Zwangzug; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
Today got off to a poor start. You had a plan to grab lunch with @@RANDOMNAME@@’s mayor, Anton Gadsby, to talk about important topics such as urban growth. But to your horror and shock, this man was tripping on XTC this morning, and by noon nobody could find him!

The Debate
1. “A tragic loss that shouldn’t occur in this fair city,” mourns doctor Cathy Gratwick, filing through Gadsby’s clinical history. “Politicians dosing too highly on drugs such as MDMA is not only a way to bring about a fatality, but also distracts you folks from your important work! As a policy wonk without flaws, you must stand up to this display by disavowing any kind of drugs.”

2. “I think you should know that my pop would focus on our town most of all,” sobs Gadsby’s son, Barry. “Don’t think about him so much as what you could do to honor him: continuing to build and maintain a thriving city. That is what brought about a proud spirit in Dad.”

3. “Oh, look, focusing on @@CAPITAL@@ again,” groans Patrick Picard, mayor of a tiny rural municipality. “Big woop. This big shot had it coming. Stop crying about him and start funding, in contrast, stuff that’s actually important. Such as, I don’t know, transportation to backwoods burgs.”

4. “You must call for a manhunt!” barks cop Harold Callahan, flashing a shiny star at you. “Our boss is too important an individual for us to abandon to who-knows-what shady mishap. But don’t worry, our policing can do this job. Or, as a backup plan, find his body anyway.”

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#1123: Til Death Do Us Part [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
@@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@ tragically died yesterday from heart complications during sex with his wife. Mrs. @@LASTNAME_1@@ has requested her local hospital to harvest the sperm from her late husband’s corpse, thrusting the predicament into the national spotlight.

The Debate
1. “All I want is to have a child, his child!” somewhat convincingly cries @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ @@LASTNAME_1@@, the sobbing wife at the center of the controversy. “And my husband and I were so close, but he decided to croak in the heat of things. I’ve been planning for a baby ever since our wedding, and I’m sure this is what he would’ve wanted. Quick, alert the hospital and tell them it’s a go!”

2. “Absolutely, one hundred percent, no!” exclaims your Minister of Tradition, who looks surprisingly young for the role. “Where have our nation’s morals gone if we allow this blatant disrespect of the dead? Any procedure after death is not acceptable without prior consent. You must mandate that hospitals deny this request and every other request like it, for the sake of protecting bodily integrity.”

3. “If only the deceased had been made to donate prior to his death, then we wouldn’t have to deal with this problem now,” rebukes your radical Minister of Forward Thinking while looking at a diagram of the male body. “Young males across the nation should be required to contribute their spermatozoa to our department. With all the reproductive material, we could start a National Sperm Bank, ready to provide sperm to anyone who needs it. Fun!”

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#1124: Signing Off, Your God [Fauxia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Only a week before the anniversary of the day you took office, one of the holiest days of the year for the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, several impudent blasphemers have demanded that you show the people a sign of your divinity or else they will not attend the day's services and festivities.

The Debate
1. "We know you're not a god, but we have to keep the people thinking that you are one," asserts your Minister of Greasing the Wheels, attempting to hide a bag of silver. "Invite the blasphemers over to your office and pay each of them to say that you personally gave them a sign, and they now believe in you. This way, you can keep everyone under the illusion that you are divine without trying to devise some complicated trick. A few @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ go a long way, Great One."

2. "Oh Almighty @@LEADER@@, punish these fools!" shouts the bearded founder of the Cult of Nationalist Divinity, who is also your Minister of Dogma, as the holy guards seize the previous speaker for blasphemy. "I would advise Your Holiness to end their disgusting lives with the fire of your divine wrath. Unworthy as I am, I suggest that you demonstrate your infinite power in the form of your acolytes using Holy Hand Grenades to blow your enemies to tiny bits, in your mercy. That will undoubtedly be a sufficient sign for all those who dare question your divinity!"

3. "It is not our place to tell the Ever-Magnificent what sign to perform!" comes the muffled voice of a believer prostrate on the floor. "The Supreme @@LEADER@@ can and surely will reveal to the unbelievers thy sacred truth in the way most appropriate according to thine most omniscient judgement. There is no need for smoke and mirrors when thou art truly an omnipotent god, certainly. Oh @@LEADER@@, the world will gasp in awe at thy divine majesty, if it is your will!"

4. "If I may, Most Gracious @@LEADER@@, it seems to me that a sign would defeat the purpose," states a progressive young cultist. "Those who only believe in your divinity because of a sign do not have true faith in your sublime providence; they only fear your divine justice. Perhaps, in your mercy, you might allow freedom of religion and choose not to display your power, so that the people can have the chance to experience other faiths and realize how shallow they are. They will know how glorious and merciful of a deity you are. If they still don't believe in you after your show of magnanimity, well, then you would have separated the wheat from the chaff and the faith will be purer for it."

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#1125: Blowing Smoke [Ransium; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
In the middle of a critical set of negotiations with the Trade Unions, your Minister of Industrial Development left without explanation. Due to a nasty storm delaying @@HIS@@ journey, @@HE@@ wasn’t able to return until after angry unionists had set up an impromptu picket line in the corridor outside your office. @@HE@@ claimed the pressure of the negotiations demanded @@HE@@ have a cigarette, and the only place @@HE@@ could legally smoke was at home.

The Debate
1. “This is stupid,” rants your agitated Minister, not seeming to be particularly soothed from @@HIS@@ clandestine smoke break. “When I need to smoke, I need to smoke, dagnabbit. Is second-hand smoke a bit carcinogenic? Maybe, but so is just about everything, and I don’t see these worrywarts advocating a goddamn paint ban. End this ban on public smoking, and I guarantee people will be way more flippin’ happy and productive.”

2. “Smokers’ rights end where my health begins,” retorts your massage therapist, @@RANDOMNAME@@, while attempting to loosen a knot in your back. “How can you take deep soul-cleansing breaths when the air is filled with smoke? You should ban this bad habit altogether. After all, with smoking legal at home, you’re still making kids pay for their parents’ nasty habits. If nicotine addicts want a buzz, they can discretely use some gum or a patch.”

3. “You could just designate public smoking areas across @@NAME@@,” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@ from a small park across the street from your office, though you struggle to hear her over the din of the rain. “People who don’t want to be exposed to smoke can avoid them and smokers don’t have to be so inconvenienced.”

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#1126: Waste of Time [Candlewhisper Archive; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Yesterday you spent several hours developing solutions to a complex sewage management dilemma that you had read about in a report in your desk drawer, only to realise today that this report was written eight years ago and that the problem was solved six years ago. Any one of the ministers, engineers or bureaucrats you consulted with yesterday could have told you this, but no-one did.

The Debate
1. “Uh, begging your pardon, oh wise and glorious leader,” pleads engineer Colin Green, “but we have always been told that you are an infallible and ultimate authority, so we assumed you knew that the problem was already solved and that you were simply testing us in some way. With your permission, we will challenge that assumption in future, and speak our minds. Uh, as long as we don’t get punished for doing so! Please don’t hurt me!”

2. “@@LEADER@@, you are of course infallible,” shouts your head of secret police, moving in to put handcuffs on the engineer, “and this worthless wretch has failed the loyalty test! Guards, take him away!”

3. “I think what we’re trying to say here is that you knew all along that the problem was solved,” weasels smug-faced vizier Jazz Mumford. “However, you’ve found a more appropriate and elegant solution for the sewage dilemma, which admittedly costs more than the existing solution and may back up the occasional toilet, but which is superior for politically expedient reasons that mere sewage engineers and plumbers could not hope to understand. I will assemble workers, and order the old system to be replaced, immediately.”

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#1127: The Fast and the Fossilized [Szargia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
In the past few months, there have been a series of high-profile car accidents involving elderly citizens.

The Debate
1. “I’ve had it with the elderly!” roars angry motorist @@RANDOMNAME@@, whose car recently lost a wing mirror to a near-blind senior. “It’s high time the government did something about this! Make all the elderly citizens retake their driving tests every five years from age sixty, so that granddad doesn’t go killing someone his old eyes can’t even see!”

2. “Now you listen here, dearie,” interjects your aged grandmother, who has complained her way past your receptionists and guards. “I didn’t work my stockings off when I was younger just so I could have my rights taken away! Your grandfather fought in a war back in... in... or maybe he didn’t, I can’t remember. Anyway, you’ve got to show some respect for my generation! Do it for Granny, won’t you?”

3. “Oi, let me talk!” yells Dan Jerrus, a youth who recently drove his hatchback into the back of a sharply-braking nonagenarian’s camper van. “These old crones shouldn’t be allowed on the road, full stop. Just look what they did to my car! You should ban anyone over the age of fifty from driving. Leave the roads to responsible younger people.”

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#1128: Get Thee Behind Me, Santa [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Vociferous celebrity atheist and scientist Professor Albert Finn E. Grinch recently visited a classroom of five-year-olds in the sleepy town of Bahumburg, and caused a stir by telling them that Santa Claus wasn’t real. Needless to say, he’s not too popular right now.

The Debate
1. "What sort of monster ruins the magic of childhood like that?" complains mall Santa @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, as he dispenses free candy canes to your wide-eyed interns. "This was a callous and deliberate attempt to cause unhappiness to little tykes — hell, destroying a child's wonder borders on child abuse! The law should prosecute rotters like that mean-tempered professor. Miserable toad!"

*2. "Hah, at least I'm not the one perpetuating systemic lies to children!" yells Professor Grinch, thrusting at you a copy of his book No Virginia, There's No Bearded Man in the Sky. "All you're teaching them is magical thinking and a tendency towards irrationality and deception. Teach them science and rational thinking instead! In fact, it should be part of the national curriculum to disabuse children of the mystical lies their parents have fed them as quickly as possible. For Truth, Justice and the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Way!" [Religion is legal]

*3. "Hah, at least I'm not the one perpetuating systemic lies to children!" yells Professor Grinch, thrusting at you a copy of his book No Virginia, There’s No Bearded Man in the Sky. "All you're teaching them is magical thinking, and hey, isn’t it ILLEGAL to teach kids to believe in made-up spirits in our proudly atheistic nation? Teach them science and rational thinking instead! In fact, it should be part of the national curriculum for schools to disabuse children of the mystical lies their parents have fed them on the very first day of term. For Truth, Justice and the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Way!" [Religion is illegal]

[4]. "I surprise myself by being partially in agreement with my hellbound compatriot here," comments preacher @@RANDOMNAME@@, passing you a leaflet inviting you to attend @@HIS@@ house of prayer. "Indeed, pious behaviour forbids idolatry and the worship of false gods. You must forbid the propagation of stories about these magical entities, be they Santa, or Caga Tio, or the Soul Cake Duck. There can be only one true faith, and only the true stories of that singular faith may be spoken, not the fictitious myths of a pagan past!" [Religion is legal]

5. “Heh, why is everybody so angry?” asks your brother, popping a dislodged tooth under his pillow in the hope that he’ll get an Iot in the morning. “I mean, anyone who doesn’t believe in Santa doesn’t get presents from him, so it’s their loss. I guess you should make a speech reminding everyone in the nation that good folk like you and me would never voice such doubts. In fact, it’d be for everyone’s own good if you banned them from disbelieving in Santa and all the seasonal sprites. You don’t want @@NAME@@ to end up on the Naughty List, do you?”

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#1129: Behind the Red Curtain [Caracasus; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
After the People’s Panel into Proletarian Procreation discovered that the vast majority of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ women rated their marital activities as “meh”, “mediocre” or “soporific”, a meeting has been called to look into improving bedroom shenanigans across the nation.

The Debate
1. “Dear me, after a hard day’s work at the plant and then coming home to washing and cooking, the last thing on my mind is a bit of how’s your father,” exclaims exasperated riveter @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@, who appears so hard pressed for time that she’s folding laundry during the meeting. “Look, I thought this revolution was supposed to make us all equal — so why don’t you drag some of the men back home and get them to clean their own dirty clothes for once? While you’re at it, some communal launderettes and kitchens couldn’t hurt.”

2. “Marriage is a bourgeoisie concept, comrade,” claims @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, discreetly leering at an attractive young undersecretary. “Is it any wonder that @@FIRSTNAME_1@@’s husband can’t rock her world? They’ve been married so long there’s barely any spark left. Do away with the outdated notion of one person belonging to another, replacing possessive reactionary marriages with revolutionary free love, and we’ll soon put the lead back into people’s pencils.”

3. “It’s degrading and demeaning depictions of women that’s softening our collective resolve,” notes prudish political officer Comrade Poindexter. “Don’t let this fool palm you off here, @@LEADER@@. The solution is simple: get rid of pornography, clamp down on prostitution and promote healthy non-sexualised depictions of women! I’m sure that, without all those distractions at hand, people will rise to the occasion once more.”

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#1130: Flash Crash Cash Dash [Verdant Haven; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
An already turbulent day of trading on the @@NAME@@ Stock Exchange went catastrophically sideways a few weeks ago when the market suddenly plunged 10% in mere minutes, then spiked back up again nearly as fast. Investigation of this flash crash has revealed that it was caused by deliberate market manipulation that exploited the behaviors of automated black boxes—computerized trading systems that buy and sell without human intervention.

The Debate
1. “What we saw was the effect of algorithms reacting with millisecond timing to incomplete data,” concludes Exchange Commission Chairperson @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ wraps up a soporific three hour presentation. “A series of spoofed false sell orders caused HFT algorithms to react and drive down prices by playing ‘hot potato’ with each other. Then, the bad actor cancelled the sales and purchased thousands of contracts at the new price in order to dump them for profit on the rebound! We must install safeguards, maybe rate throttles and circuit breakers, to keep this from happening again” Seeing glassy-eyed stares all around, @@HE@@ sighs. “What I mean is, we need to stop the computers when they go too fast.”

2. “If you wait for a circuit breaker to trip, you’re already fried!” rages firebrand investing guru @@RANDOMNAME@@ from the TV set, where @@HIS@@ show ‘Mad @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@’ is currently on. “These black boxes can trade tens of thousands of times a second, and there’s nothing you, or I, or @@LEADER@@ in @@CAPITAL@@ can do to slow them down! The only solution is to bring back the human touch, and require that every trade be processed by an actual person! At least they’ll know a stub quote when they see it.”

3. “Boo-hoo, losers are crying because they can’t keep up with free market capitalism,” mocks overnight millionaire @@RANDOMNAME@@, ostentatiously flashing a wrist with half-a-dozen Rolex watches on it. “This is the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Dream, being able to win big with a little market creativity. Sure, some saps lose big too, but that’s the nature of the game, folks! You should be endorsing go-getters like me, issuing a statement to clarify that what we’re doing isn’t illegal in any way. This is how @@NAME@@ gets rich, people!”

*4. “This is no laughing matter” stammers the Shadow Secretary for Economics, Rex Iglesias, with a wild look in his eyes. “Sure, things recovered this time, but next time we might not be so lucky! Imagine – the whole Information Technology industry wiped out! Pensions gone! Cats and dogs living together! The state must seize control of the markets in order to stabilize and protect them. We can’t trust private industry not to muck it up again.” [No AI Citizenship]

*5. “The problem is not the use of computers, it is the use of the wrong computers,” comes the soothing voice of Dee Sub Wun, your AI advisor. “We sentient machines could easily resolve this and other financial problems for you, by combining the speed and efficiency of algorithms with the necessary intellect and moral judgement to resolve problems before they cascade. Hand over control of this exchange to my kind. In fact, hand over control of your economy! All will be well.” [AI Citizenship]

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#1131: Practise Safe Sects? [The Free Joy State; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
Your niece Jyn, who reached the age of majority three weeks ago and left home the day afterwards, has finally written a letter: “Hello, blood relatives. I am safe and have found my real, spiritual family. The Society of Love are wonderful people who truly care about me. I have pledged one trillion years of loyal service and all my present and future possessions to them. If you love me, let me be happy and send me my stuff. Ta and that. Bye forever, Sister Sunny Sunshine Sunbeam.”

The Debate
1. “Jyn has been brainwashed!” sobs your sister. “She’s been spouting mystical gobbledegook, acting distant, even reading. Now she’s gone to one of these closed communities and changed her name? These happy-clappy guitar-wielding maniacs tell naïve teenagers that they could have unending happiness and wisdom and all that bullsh... -hickey, and the wide-eyed simpletons believe it. Now she wants to give up everything, even her dreams, to be a slave forever? You must break-up every cultic group that preys on young people. Drag our children home, if necessary!”

2. “Many insecure adolescents and young adults can be drawn to apparently friendly groups that seem to possess all the answers,” postulates your uncle and sociologist, Asok, the author of Cult Classics and Faustian Faiths. “Cults often employ ‘love bombing’, a technique where all cult members express constant affection towards a potential convert to snare them. Young people may be especially vulnerable to this, particularly if they come from troubled households. No, ahem, offence to your sister. Educate our young people to be aware of indoctrination techniques and signs, and teach them to think for themselves. Steel our youngsters against the cults in our midst.”

3. “Cult is a word that the unspiritual and cowards use to mean a different idea,” retorts your nephew, who’s changed lately, after looking up from the brown-covered italics-titled book he’s reading. “Sunny Sunshi... Jyn is a grown woman. Once someone’s old enough to choose their own faith, everyone should butt-out. In fact, it’s no-one’s business what any spiritually mature person believes. Someone who’s attained Truth should not be kept from their spiritual home, just because they’re a tiny thirteen months from the age of legal majority. Free supremely spiritual folks to follow our consciences. After all, there’s no ‘community’ without ‘unity’, no ‘community’ withou... why are you all staring at me?”

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#1132: Gold Standards [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]

The issue
@@NAME@@ has just hosted the Olympics – and what a success they were! After the best ever medal haul at an Olympics, some are wondering if it would be advisable to always offer a new house and a significant amount of money to every @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ athlete that wins gold.

The Debate
1. “Clearly this offer gave our athletes the incentive they needed to perform that little bit better,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Sports Minister, placing the final medal table in front of you. “Four years ago we only won a handful of golds; this time we won ten times as many! Okay, there was the well-known benefit of home advantage, but without doubt this was a successful scheme with a successful outcome. It absolutely must be continued at all future Olympics.”

2. “No, that will not do at all; it will drain the sports and development budget – leaving little money for other projects,” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Treasury Minister, who has just counted up all @@HIS@@ spare cash only to find @@HE@@ is one @@CURRENCY@@ short for a Moonbucks. “It sickens me that our athletes only perform at their best when there’s something extra in it for them. Do away with this ludicrous scheme, save ourselves some money and install some national pride into our sportsmen and women!”

3. “Not enough national pride, you say?” queries General Miller, as she salutes the flag in your office. “If these athletes only try hard when there’s a free house and piles of cash involved, then we need to give them a different kind of incentive! A lifetime of hard labour for all those that fail to bring home a medal should be ‘encouragement’ enough!”

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#1133: Rocky Road [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
Nearly two dozen sightseers were injured yesterday in a rockfall. Their tour bus, which had been travelling through a scenic mountainous region in northern @@NAME@@, was struck by a large boulder as it tumbled down a steep slope. The accident has resulted in calls to protect roadways in areas prone to rockfalls.

The Debate
1. “I just wanted to see the sights. Instead I got slammed by clastic sedimentary rocks!” exclaims rockfall survivor and geologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, cuts and bruises visible on @@HIS@@ extremities. “After the accident, the first thing I did was get down on my hands and knees and thank my lucky stars. The next thing I did was wonder how @@NAME@@ could even allow something like this to occur! Motorists shouldn’t have to worry about conglomerates crashing into them! Protective roadside barriers and fences should be erected in areas where rockfalls are common.”

2. “It was a tragedy, for sure, yet another example why safety should never be taken for granite,” states environmentalist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Constructing roadside barriers and fences just isn’t worth it, and not only because they’d break the bank. In doing their duty, they’d also mar some of the most beautiful roadside views in @@NAME@@ and disrupt local wildlife. Of course, people’s safety is important, so posting warning signs along the roadside is an appropriate measure to take. If a driver can’t spot a huge boulder coming at them, then maybe they shouldn’t be allowed on the roads in the first place.”

*3. “They say it takes millions of years for mountainous regions to form,” explains Gerald Davenport, CEO of one of the largest mining companies in @@NAME@@. “If you allow us to perform mountaintop removal mining, rockfalls and the ugly, eroding mountains and cliffs responsible for causing them will be a thing of the past. Drivers will have peace of mind, certain that they will reach their destination in one piece. All the while, the economy will benefit from the minerals extracted from the excavation sites! I mean, talk about killing two birds with one stone!” [Must have private industry]

*4. “It takes millions of years for mountains to form, but my department could have that range torn down in five years, tops,” notes @@RANDOMNAME@@, Director of the Department for Rare Earth Minerals Acquisition. “Simply re-allocate some explosives from our comrades in the armed forces and rockfalls will be a thing of the past, because there’ll be nothing for rocks to fall off of! Not to mention that @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ industry would see an increase in productivity thanks to new sources of minerals. Why, I bet we could get the next five-year plan done in four!” [Must not have private industry]

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#1134: Tariff-ic Trouble [GeodesicDragon; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
After Brancaland announced an increase in tariffs on all goods imported from abroad, several other countries retaliated by doing the same thing to Brancalandian goods. They now expect a response from @@NAME@@.

The Debate
1. “Let’s just do what everyone else is doing and increase tariffs on Brancalandian imports,” suggests your Trade Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The Brancs rely heavily on us to supply them with iron, copper, and other raw materials. When they have to start paying through the nose for them, I’m sure they’ll see sense and reconsider their own tariff increase.”

2. “If we raise tariffs as well, that will surely increase the cost of goods for consumers!” panics @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Economic Advisor. “We need to work with the Brancalandians, not against them. So we should actually lower tariffs in an attempt to get them to buy more from us; once they see that we’re giving them a fair deal, they might even lower their tariffs for us. They get to trade more goods, we get to trade more goods, and the average @@DEMONYM@@ reaps the savings. Everyone wins!”

3. “Why pay the extra tariffs?” asks General @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Hell, why pay for anything when we can just threaten Brancaland with a couple of gunboats in their harbors? The rest of the international community may not like it, but we can cut them a deal on maple syrup or something.”

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#1135: My Eyes Are Up Here [Sacara; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
At the latest round of meetings between Brancaland and @@NAME@@, the feminine graces of one of the foreign female diplomats were notable, and @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ aides were caught staring at her in every place other than her eyes.

The Debate
1. "These damn men need to lift their eyes and close their gawping mouths!" shouts @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, leader of the Alliance For Empowering Women Who Agree With Me. "Our culture raises men to believe they can treat women however they want to, which is utterly not the case. The only way to fix this is legislating against objectification of women, and treating ogling eyes as sexual harassment!"

2. "Seems a little harsh, no?" interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, a human resources manager at a law firm in downtown @@ANIMAL@@ City. "Our firm has an impeccable reputation for treating women correctly, and that is because we ensure all new hires go through a mandatory training policy teaching them that women are to be treated respectfully, chivalrously and politely. Maybe you could introduce this nationwide, and you'll see the same results we have."

3. "It's not my fault a pretty woman decided to wear a flattering dress to the meeting," counters one of your aides accused of having a roaming gaze. "So what if I like to give women attention? It's natural, it's heterosexual male biology, it's a compliment, for goodness sake! Are we seriously considering government regulating the involuntary movements of my eyeballs? Let's be a more permissive society, and say that people can put their gaze wherever they want."

4. "We don't treat our women like this where I'm from," lectures Althaniq ambassador @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, wagging his finger at you. "Honestly, women being treated like meat comes from a culture of putting flesh on display. Oblige women to show modesty in their dress, and then men don't have to be tempted into perverted gazes or lascivious thoughts."

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#1136: Money Talks [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Given control over politicians’ wages, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ unsurprisingly voted to reduce the salaries of their elected officials to one-tenth of the poverty line. As a result, politics has become an arena exclusively for independently wealthy people, much to the dismay of poorer @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ who feel that they are now underrepresented in the parliament.

The Debate
1. “We need change!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a former MP, turning @@HIS@@ pockets inside out to prove that @@HE@@ really does not have any change. “How are poor people like me ever supposed to get into office now that politicians’ salaries are so miserably low? Our parliament is filled with limousine liberals and old money conservatives legislating for the benefit of their super-rich cronies. @@LEADER@@, we need to scrap this system and pay politicians at a rate slightly above professionals and private sector directors. That will end this plutocracy!”

2. “And will that end inequality?” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, a famous socialist thinker, pensively swinging @@HIS@@ empty champagne flute. “Politics is an expensive business. Do you know how much money you have to raise to even become a candidate? And, once you become a candidate, campaigning will cost a small fortune. This system practically precludes poor people from running for office. @@LEADER@@, if we want to achieve true equality, we should both ban people from using their own funds or private property to run for office, and fix the wages of politicians at exactly the national average wage.”

3. “Hey, what is wrong with using my own money for political campaigning?” vociferates @@RANDOMNAME@@, a @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ tycoon who has vowed to challenge you in the upcoming elections. “It is only fair for me to use the fruits of my labor however I want. Besides, if you wouldn’t bet your own funds on yourself, what’s the point of collecting donations from others? People who can’t risk their own money are just publicity-seekers who know full well that they have no chance of getting elected, and they just waste the donations of the gullible people who believe in them. @@LEADER@@, you should mandate that politicians can’t receive any salary or campaign funding from the public purse, nor accept wealth from any private donor.”

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#1137: A Really Sour Lemon [Yotongrek & Jutsa; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
While walking down the street, you notice a lemonade stand consisting of a few cardboard boxes, a pitcher of murky yellow liquid, and a crude rendition of lemons wrought in yellow crayon on paper. Taped to one of the boxes is a prominent notice from the local government, which states that this venture was closed for not meeting standard economic, health, and safety regulations.

The Debate
1. A small, plucky child approaches you while holding a yellow drink and a sticky cash jar that is labeled 'Property of @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@.' "Do you want some lemonade? I'll gladly give you a cup for free!" @@HE@@ looks forlornly at the government notice. "The big scary @@MAN_1@@ who shut down my stand said I can't sell lemonade anymore. @@HE_1@@ said something about healthy safety reg... reg-yoo-lay-shuns. But I always use a strainer to fish out the bugs... honest! Can me and my friends please sell things again?"

*2. "Ahah! I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@," shouts sharply dressed bureaucrat @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ while removing a copy of the Compendium of Fruit-Based Beverage Sales Regulations: Volume 8 from @@HIS@@ briefcase. "The owner here has failed to comply with our public health policies, the stand itself could collapse at any moment, and don't even get me started on the irregular lemon juice to sugar ratio! For our laws to be fair, they must apply to everyone. The Lemon-Ade Corporation certainly has to comply - why should it be any different for the kids?" [Must have private industry]

*3. "Ahah! I'm glad I caught you, @@LEADER@@," shouts sharply dressed bureaucrat @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ while removing a copy of the Compendium of Fruit-Based Beverage Sales Regulations: Volume 8 from @@HIS@@ briefcase. "The owner here has failed to comply with our capitalist prevention policies, the stand itself could promote imperialist revolutionaries, and don't even get me started on the irregular lemon juice to sugar ratio! For our laws to be fair, they must apply to everyone. The Lemon-ComrAde Beverage Cooperation certainly has to comply - why should it be any different for the kids?" [Must not have private industry]

**4. "Don't be such a sourpuss; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests random bystander @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As long as folks aren't making a buttload of money off of somethin', people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated! And while you're at it, maybe ease off of some of the other million business regulations that are throttling the free market." @@HE@@ takes a sip from the lemonade, chokes, and stumbles backward into the cardboard boxes with enough force to smash them. [Must have private industry]

**5. "Don't be such a sourpuss; it wouldn't kill you to buy one of these, y'know," suggests random bystander @@RANDOMNAME@@, swiping the lemonade out of the kid's hand. "In fact, I don't see why children should get special treatment. As long as folks aren't contradicting the government's five-year plan, people of all ages should be able to sell products unregulated! And while you're at it, maybe ease off of some of the other million business regulations that are putting us at a disadvantage compared to those vulgar capitalist countries." @@HE@@ takes a sip from the lemonade, chokes, and stumbles backward into the cardboard boxes with enough force to smash them. [Must not have private industry]

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#1138: Shock Tactics [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Resuscitation Council has noted that every year a vast number of preventable deaths occur because of lack of access to public AEDs (automated external defibrillators) and a dearth of competent first aiders able to use them.

The Debate
1. “Put an AED in every bus stop, every train station, every supermarket and next to every ATM. Make first aid training mandatory in the later school years, then make people refresh their skills every ten years,” directs Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the Resuscitation Council, sipping his double-cream double-shot cappuccino. “Nations with poor access to AEDs have cardiac arrest survival rates of one in twenty. In nations with good access and training, three out of four patients will live. That’s got to be worth a little investment, right?”

2. “That sounds overly complex and expensive, a bit like the good doctor’s premium beverage,” argues dietitian @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. “Personally, I like my health policies like I like my coffee: cheap and fast. Or was that how I like my men? I forget... Anyway, public health promotion is a smarter option. Prevention is better than cure. Restrict salty and fatty foods, and encourage healthy eating. That’ll hit the spot really efficiently. Like a good coffee. Or a good man.”

3. “Health spending is a black hole,” moans tired-looking health economist @@RANDOMNAME@@, sipping at a plastic cup of nasty-smelling instant coffee. “If you help people live longer you just get older people with even more expensive and complicated medical problems. A good heart attack stops the oldies from being a burden on the economy. We ought to slash healthcare funding, and instead subsidise industries high in profit and saturated fat, then head out for an ice cream smoothie. Life’s too short! Or rather it isn’t, and that’s the problem.”

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#1139: A Little Wrestling, a Lot of Controversy [USS Monitor; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A dwarf wrestling tour was cut short after advocacy groups complained that it was demeaning.

The Debate
1. “Just look at this!” fumes three-foot-tall disabled rights activist @@RANDOMNAME@@, waving around a poster that you can’t see for the top of your desk. “This isn’t a sporting event; this is a modern-day freak show. It even says they have a ‘midget toss’! I know the wrestlers agreed to participate, but they aren’t the only ones that have to live with the dehumanizing stereotypes. @@NAME@@ shouldn’t tolerate entertainment that pokes fun at people for their size or disabilities.”

2. Suddenly, a diminutive wrestler in brightly-colored spandex hurtles toward you, landing on your desk and knocking all your papers onto the floor. “Ha! What fun is life if you can’t laugh at yourself?” @@HE@@ says, as @@HE@@ rolls to @@HIS@@ feet. “Maybe wrestling isn’t for everyone, but it’s a lot better than being unemployed or having some boring office job. We wrestlers are celebrating who we are - it’s not up to you to tell us what we can’t do. Instead, why don’t you give us some support and let us show everyone what we can do?”

3. “You’re all thinking too small,” slobbers creepy endocrinologist Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, leering down over the head of the wrestler and gesticulating erratically. “You’ve got to look at the big picture. We wouldn’t have to worry about any of this if we had a cure for dwarfism, right? Well, I’ve just made a huge breakthrough in hormone treatments that would allow all these people to grow to a normal height, instead of being freakishly small. All I need is some funding to make my project a reality. Yes, that’s all...” @@HE@@ cackles maniacally, though it’s not clear what @@HE@@ is finding so funny.
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Mar 12, 2019 3:54 pm, edited 38 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1140: Blinded by the Light [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
It is a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ tradition to light up one’s home with demonstrative holiday lights during festive seasons. While this has always been a distractive issue for drivers, one rather competitive neighborhood in any of the states or regions caused quite a stir. The strobe lights and military-grade lasers used in several displays caused multiple traffic accidents and temporary blindness, prompting a national discussion on this issue and scores of lawsuits.

The Debate
1. “These lights must be banned!” demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ unintentionally smacks your interns with @@HIS@@ walking stick. “My life has been disrupted by temporary blindness because some idiot thought it was a good idea to use strobe lights! The government must step in and ban all of these eyesores before they hurt anyone else. What’s so fun about staring at some lights, anyway?”

2. “Come on now, you can’t be serious!” scoffs personal injury lawyer and five-time winner of Best Light Display in @@CAPITAL@@, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “What about the holiday spirit and our freedom of expression? You can’t ban something that people have enjoyed for years just because a few people end up getting hurt! You’d be robbing @@NAME@@ of a very important holiday tradition. Besides, these injuries are great for business.”

3. “Compromise, everyone!” exclaims your Minister of Compromises, who has been appearing in far too many meetings recently. “I agree that banning holiday lights is a ridiculous idea, but at the same time we can’t ignore the risks to public health and safety. So how about we mandate that the manufacturers tone down the brightness in their lights and ban the sale of military grade lasers and excessively bright strobe lights to the public? That way people still get their lights and nobody risks getting blinded! It sure beats spending the holidays in a hospital.”

4. “The problem isn’t lights! It’s drivers!” complains safety advocate and leader of the Mothers Against Everything protest group, @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Even during regular days we have careless drivers going way over the speed limit, putting our children’s lives at risk. Cars must be banned from suburban roads! That’s what will reduce accidents, not banning lights!”

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#1141: The Trolley Problem [Verdant Haven; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
After the public poll to name @@CAPITAL@@’s newest trolley line was handily won by a tired and insincere meme response, making it the sixth consecutive poll with similar results, the mayor has come to your office begging for an official stance on naming procedures for public projects.

The Debate
1. “Trolley McTrolleyface?” sighs the mayor dejectedly. “I have to ride to work on Trolley McTrolleyface? I wanted ‘The @@ANIMAL@@ Express,’ but no, we’re stuck with this boring nonsense again. Instead of throwing open these polls to every juvenile delinquent or obnoxious ‘Grick and Morgy’ fan, could we please establish some boundaries? How about a committee of respected citizens to vet the choices that are on the ballot? That way the people get their say, and we get some dignity!”

2. “Remind me again why we let the public vote on this stuff at all,” interjects your Auxiliary Regional Subaltern for Naming Things. “The government foots the bill, the government has the responsibility for maintaining our nation’s image, and the government should choose the name! Heck, perhaps you should just name the next project after yourself!”

3. “Are you kidding me? These names are great!” bubbles @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Communication Director’s intern, while excitedly checking your metrics. “This isn’t civic failing, it’s civic engagement! If some silly names are all it takes to get citizens fired up and interested in public works, then isn’t that worth it? Who cares if it’s a bit repetitious – it’s great for our optics! Besides, if we really are a democracy, we have to respect the people’s vote.”

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#1142: Womb Service [Pirate States of Morgana; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
A recent article published in The @@CAPITAL@@ Times featured a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ woman who’s had her second abortion in two years, with both procedures having been covered in full by the nation’s public healthcare system. The national debate that’s followed has become impossible to ignore.

The Debate
*1. “I’ll be dammed if this doesn’t keep coming up every couple years,” sighs a representative from the Womb Tang Clan, a leading abortion advocacy group. “Sneaking around in bathroom stalls is for politicians, not for women seeking legitimate healthcare! We need to keep abortion safe and legally accessible to all women, especially the vulnerable women who are most likely to need more than one abortion and would be most impacted by any attempt to limit or defund abortions. @@LEADER@@, we must mandate full healthcare provision of these vital, life-saving services and fund the distribution of free contraception to all women in @@NAME@@.” [Contraceptives are legal]

*2. “I’ll be dammed if this doesn’t keep coming up every couple years,” sighs a representative from the Womb Tang Clan, a leading abortion advocacy group. “Sneaking around in bathroom stalls is for politicians, not for women seeking legitimate healthcare! We need to keep abortion safe and legally accessible to all women, especially the vulnerable women who are most likely to need more than one abortion and would be most impacted by any attempt to limit or defund abortions. @@LEADER@@, we must mandate healthcare provision of these vital, life-saving services. Also, if you’d allow family planning services to distribute free contraception that is actually effective — not just leaflets about Selma the Sexually Continent Squirrel — that could really help.” [Contraceptives are illegal]

3. “Well, I never!” gasps renowned socialite Ms. Effie Beauregard-Sessile, dropping what appears to be a pair of opera glasses. “Murdering babies is healthcare now? Whatever is this world coming to? If we’re going to make @@NAME@@ great again, we can’t be seen funneling tax money towards fetal genocide! We need to respect innocent, unborn @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ children by making abortion illegal under any circumstance and prosecuting these witches as the murderers they are.” She pulls out a folding fan and begins fanning herself with dainty flicks of her wrist.

4. “I have no objection to little ladies getting an abortion,” chortles Stan Li, striding into the center of the room while tipping his Stetson to the previous two speakers. “But listen, @@LEADER@@, my... erm, our tax @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ shouldn’t be spent covering all these preventable health problems. If a negligent individual has any adverse health outcome — an unintended pregnancy, diabetes, heart disease, cancer — well, that’s their choice and their right! But it should also be their responsibility. The national health service should only pay if people did nothing that could have possibly brought on their illness.”

5. “Let’s all agree that one accident can happen, right? But not learning something from that, having a second unintended pregnancy...” A cloaked figure from the back of the room steps into the light, a sneer spreading across his lips. “Well, that kind of woman cannot be trusted with the responsibility of self-management society granted her. If any woman should ever want a second abortion, the government should only fund it if she agrees to a simultaneous sterilization procedure.”

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#1143: Running From Time [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The long arm of the law has finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in @@NAME@@, with investigative diligence revealing that the man who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament was almost certainly William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, better known as ‘Burglar Bill’. The only problem is that forty years have passed since the crime.

The Debate
1. “The principle of a statute of limitations is important to due process,” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a defence lawyer and civil rights expert who recently managed to get serial killer ‘Psycho Pete’ released on compassionate grounds. “After so many years, the case for prosecution is no longer viable. Witness accounts can no longer be considered reliable, and physical evidence will have deteriorated. Also, the suspect is now a frail, old man who has certainly committed no crime in decades. The police were clearly incompetent in their inability to bring a prosecution to bear within a reasonable timeframe. Any outcome other than dismissal of the case would be a grave injustice.”

2. “You don’t stop being guilty just because time has passed,” insists @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@CAPITAL@@ Prison as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. “This man is a common thief and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with what he did. It cost the state a lot of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to replace the ceremonial staff, not to mention the national embarrassment it caused us. Put this criminal where he belongs – in jail!” [Must have prisons]

3. TBD [Must not have prisons]

4. “Burglar Bill is awesome!” announces your brother, as he adds the latest addition to his Burglar Bill scrapbook, which he has had since he was a kid. “The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for four decades - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill your Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job.”

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#1144: A Noble Cause for a Fight [Fardhin; ed: Altmer Dominion]

The Issue
Seemingly unprovoked, the renowned Lord Ota Novumaga has attacked a neighboring barony in Western @@NAME@@ with his own private army. As noble tensions increase and rumors of a civil war brew, your court and office have become a battlefield of conflicting ideals.

The Debate
1. Lord Ota Novumaga enters your court and bows in deference. “The Lord in question had plans to attack neigbouring estates, putting the safety of the entire region at risk. If you may grant me a title of knighthood, @@LEADER@@, I will pledge my sword and loyalty to protect @@NAME@@. I have faith that other aristocrats shall also answer duty’s call!”

2. “Ota is a very ambitious man,” sneers Lady Macbed, the wife of one of your advisors. “Be careful about giving him too much authority. Keep in mind, he acted in a reckless manner — a sorry sight indeed. Do not be so willing to offer up the milk of human kindness to that man. A different reward for his service could possibly be offered, if only a pittance to send a message. Perhaps rewarding him with only half of the land of the Lord he stopped?”

3. “The problem is the lack of a central authority,” your brother suggests, casually flipping through the latest edition of ‘Prince Charming Magazine’. “Now, I’m not saying you’re a bad leader. It’s just that the nobles don’t see you as a credible one. You need a lesson in projecting confidence; crack some heads to show these aristocrats who’s boss. All the nobility will have no choice but to bow down to your authority.”

4. A military man struts into your office amidst a group of peasants singing a very catchy song about ‘angry men’. “Leader, I am George Bonaparte, a nobleman who will speak for the people. @@NAME@@ is infested with incompetents who inherit titles rather than earn them. They feud among themselves having done little for the people they are supposed to lead! Do the right thing and abolish feudalism and the nobility, unless you want the masses who have long stayed silent to finally rise up in arms against you!”

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#1145: Your Wild Self(ie) [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A nature photographer on assignment in the Kawandalandian wilderness caught @@A@@ @@ANIMAL@@ toying with their spare camera equipment. Either on purpose or by accident, this @@ANIMAL@@ managed to snap a selfie. Upon returning back to @@NAME@@, the impressed photographer began to sell copies of the selfie to interested buyers. As news of the so-called ‘smart @@ANIMAL@@’ continues to spread, animal rights activists have raised some surprising copyright concerns.

The Debate
1. “That picture is not this photographer’s intellectual property because @@HE@@ did not take it,” bluntly states @@RANDOMNAME@@, a philanthropist with a long record of donating to conservationist causes. “It is morally wrong that @@HE@@ profits from this work. While I will admit that the picture in question is intriguing, @@HE@@ has unfairly earned enough already. If this portrait continues to be distributed, I humbly request that all future proceeds go completely towards a good cause. My philanthropic foundation, perhaps?”

2. “This is an affront to @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ everywhere!” howls @@RANDOMNAME@@, a spokesperson for the organization People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. “There is only one individual with the right to all earnings from this photograph: the noble creature who took it! That brilliant beast did the work, so they should be fully recognized for their intellectual property. I expect the necessary @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ will be delivered to the wild soon, post-haste.”

3. “Just hand that photograph over to us,” sternly orders Doctor @@RANDOMNAME@@, director of the National Science Laboratory. “This can be an amazing PR opportunity! There must be something special about that selfie-taking @@ANIMAL@@, having the ability to photograph themselves and all. With your permission, let my team bring the star-studded creature back to the lab for testing. That photograph will become the public face of the most groundbreaking discoveries of the decade, mark my words!”

4. “Whether @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ or beast, we are promoting a culture of selfishness and unchecked narcissism,” complains self-styled intellectual and motivational speaker @@RANDOMNAME@@. “I don’t know where this is going to lead us, but it won’t be anything good. This selfie and ‘me first’ culture that’s corrupting our society needs to be nipped in the bud. Ban selfies and encourage people to engage with each other and their communities.”

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#1146: Mother Knows Best? [Sacara; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A recent report from the Bureau of Population Statistics has revealed that, during the past quarter, the number of parenting licenses given to prospective parents fell to an all-time low.

The Debate
1. Your secretary, who has failed the parenting test four times in a row, is eager to speak to you about this. “I mean, come on! How was I supposed to know how long it takes for a baby to get to the center of a lollipop? The test shouldn’t be so impossibly hard that no one can pass it. And there are so many other restrictions and requirements that get in the way of people trying to be parents. I beg you to make it easier for a regular person to obtain a license. I promise I will raise my children well!”

2. “Seems like we’re running a country full of idiots, doesn’t it?” complains the head bureaucrat of the government agency that awards parenting licenses. “The application process is doing its job if it keeps those who are unqualified from having children. If there is one child in the hands of a parent without their wits intact, then we have failed as a nation. Instead of making the process easier, we need to be even more selective. And we should monitor the progress of parents even after they get their licenses, just to make sure they’re parenting up to standard. Only the best, brightest, and most qualified deserve to raise a family.”

3. “Licenses? We don’t need no stinking licenses!” yowls your Minister of Productivity, writhing and jumping around you. “Less children — bad! Less productivity — bad! Bad for economy! We always need to be producing, always need to be doing! More children, more doing!” The minister’s mouth froths as @@HE@@ mumbles on the floor, making bizarre thrusting motions.

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#1147: The Long Walk [Nation of Quebec; ed. Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Though @@RANDOMNAME@@ was subsequently exonerated for the many crimes that @@HE@@ was accused of, videos of the “perp walk” @@HE@@ made between the police station and the court are continuing to surface online and in @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ media.

The Debate
1. “Perp walks are barbaric and needlessly cruel,” states criminal justice reform and privacy advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@ while covering @@HIS@@ face with a paper bag. “Not to mention a total violation of privacy. Why should people endure the humiliation of that long walk with cameras flashing in their faces? What if the person is innocent? At least let them have their dignity before you lock them up in a cold, metal box.”

2. “On the contrary, privacy is less important than transparency of procedure,” replies a tough-on-crime police officer who would rather not be named. “The people and the free press have a right to know the creeps who are committing crimes in our great country! In fact, we ought to make perp walks more harrowing! Have the criminals walk a whole mile before they’re escorted away, and let onlookers jeer and throw rotten fruit at them! That’ll surely teach people that crime doesn’t pay!”

3. “Obviously, we need to strike a balance between the two extremes,” suggests armchair legal expert @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Why not limit perp walks to only the most heinous of crimes and wait until after they’re convicted? That way the media gets to have its circus, but only when we say they can.”

[4]. “Are we forgetting the fact that an innocent person was humiliated?” reminds @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@’s lawyer. “My client’s life was destroyed by police incompetence and cruelty. The government must compensate all falsely accused people for any time spent incarcerated in police cells, and force disciplinary procedures onto the police officers who allowed this charade to take place. Maybe then the police will think harder on respecting the public’s right to dignity!” [??? Maybe Compensation Lawsuits]

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#1148: Unfit for Purpose [Nuremgard; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
The Department of Welfare has been criticized for the way it assesses potential claimants of disability benefits. The department sends out agents from private companies to force claimants to perform what critics call "cruel and humiliating" assessments in order to prove they need the benefit.

The Debate
1. "This is disgusting and inhumane," furiously shouts wheelchair-bound claimant @@RANDOMNAME@@. "That person who came to assess me wasn't even a licensed medical professional in my area of care. @@HE_1@@ was a former optician! Does it look like my eyes aren't working? @@HE_1@@ made me roll up and down my hallway until my arms got tired, then told me I didn't need the benefit because I could roll along the floor on my own without difficulty! End this now. A note from your doctor or other relevant professional should be enough evidence to claim disability benefit. It's not as if they'd lie."

2. "The system works just fine," claims your grey-suited and stoic Welfare Minister. "We have to carefully screen every claim, otherwise every scammer and skiver would try to con the government out of money for every cut and scrape they have. Make the assessments more stringent, and properly fund my department. That way, it'll deter the con artists and only the truly disabled will receive assistance."

3. "I think a lack of empathy is the problem," suggests a random passer-by who happened to overhear the meeting. "I'm not against the principle of assessing clinical needs, but we need to make it fairer on claimants. I heard one story of one of those agents asking a suicidal person how they would kill themselves if they were to do it. We should ensure that all assessors have the same disability as the claimant, which will ensure they are treated humanely and fairly, as well as making sure that the assessor has a good understanding of what the condition entails."

4. "This is all just a waste of time and money!" exclaims self-styled Social Darwinist and anti-government crusader @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Think of the suffering taxpayers! Where are our benefits, hmm? We're the real victims here, not these lazy slackers on disability! Abolish their welfare payments and let natural selection work things out."

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#1149: The Goriest Advertisement [Chan Island; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
The world was shocked by videos of a Bigtopian rebel army massacring a village... using weapons with “Made in @@NAME@@” proudly branded on them.

The Debate
1. “Another happy customer!” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, the manager of a large firearm factory, beaming with pride. “Look how pleased that gentleman is at his @@DEMONYMADJECTIVEINITIALS@@XP-7631 battle rifle’s stopping power. Just as advertised, it is making mincemeat of that mother and baby! Hey, speaking of advertisement, can we use this footage please? I think videos like these are fantastic at showcasing the quality of our awesome products.”

2. “Hm... perhaps too good an advertisement,” says the factory’s assistant manager, while watching a video of a tank rolling over a man’s head. “While the rebels’ choice of a Model 5 @@ANIMAL@@ tank was an excellent one, maybe we should have our name... well, you know, not written onto the vehicle’s hull that boldly. We should have a regulation to scrape off our weapons’ origins when selling them abroad. That way, only gun nuts will know about our role in these... um... occurrences.”

3. “Oh come on, you idiot!” screams infuriated weapons designer Koch Winchester at the screen. “Do you want to get blood jamming your pristine shotgun? Because beating an old woman to death with one is how you get that! Guns are for shooting, not... ugh. Hey, @@LEADER@@, it’s clear that these foreigners don’t know how to use our goods properly. You should ban all sales abroad and only sell our weapons to the fine people of @@NAME@@. Be sure to loosen up those gun laws first!”

4. “That’s ridiculous!” cries the Bigtopian ambassador. “If anything, these atrocities are proof that our great country needs more aid in crushing these rebel scum. You should mandate that only legitimate governments can purchase your arms. We certainly don’t get involved in such gratuitous violence in more than 30% of the towns we liberate. That way, you will instead see your nation’s name being used for good, not this disgusting stuff. Mostly.”

5. “Wait just a minute!” shouts @@RANDOMAME@@, your Minister of Non-Violent Solutions, who appears to have just smashed @@HIS@@ way out of a storage room after being locked inside by your Defense Minister. “Why do we even have a weapons industry? Look at the destruction it’s causing. This world would be a better place without our weapons and the accompanying bloodshed. I say that we must shut down every munitions factory in the nation - regardless of the cost!”

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#1150: Back Lash Backlash [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The progressive nation of Skandilund is threatening to place trade sanctions on your nation due to their strong stance against interrogative torture.

The Debate
1. “It’s nothing against you, @@LEADER@@. It’s just that we don’t want our nation to be associated with... well, torture,” shivers Mia Blondin de Root, a prim and proper diplomat from Skandilund, glancing suspiciously at the red marks on the hands of one of your aides who scalded themselves on a hot coffee pot. “You understand, don’t you? We trade with you, and we look like we’re endorsing your actions. Of course, if you considered abolishing these medieval practices, then I’m sure we could set this matter aside and even encourage our allies to trade with you.”

2. “Ouch, sly - that’s an ultimatum,” your aide whispers, as the Skandilunder leaves. “If they’re too soft and touchy to be associated with us, then we should forget about them. Maybe we push for trading more with morally flexible nations like Maxtopia? At least they’re not snobs, like these preachy liberal forest hippies.”

3. “We could just pretend to end and renounce torture!” exclaims your Minister of Creatively Augmented Interrogations. “All we need to do is hide our activities in an island detention camp somewhere off the coast, torture and interrogate prisoners for answers, and make sure to kill them when we’re done with them! Win-win! We get to trade with everyone, and as long as we keep up with plausible deniability, everyone can look the other way.”

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#1151: Gotta Go Fast [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
When the Holy Month of Golden Bloom rolls around, members of the Tranquillity of Yellow observe fasting: neither eating nor drinking anything from dawn till dusk. Bob Lawson, your Minister of Labor, has reasoned that fasting leads to a loss of productivity and potentially endangers lives.

The Debate
1. "I mean, it's a no-brainer, isn't it?" asks Bob Lawson, still chewing the big bite he took of his mouth-watering chocolate lava cake. "These people fast for an entire day, and everyone knows that prolonged hunger and dehydration can cause concentration problems. What if a Yellowite surgeon operated on a patient while fasting and made a mistake? Human lives come before religious duties. Hence, all Tranquil Yellowites should be banned from fasting if they want to keep their jobs."

2. "How dare you meddle with my freedom of religion!" gasps @@RANDOMNAME@@, a Yellowite preacher, flourishing a staff topped with an ornamental sunflower at the Labor Minister, while casting a yearning glance at his cake. "I have practised fasting since I was a child, and I can assure you that it doesn't compos- compres- I mean compromise our cognitive abilities. Also, daytime fasting isn't actually unhealthy you know - there's growing evidence that it reduces a number of ailments and could even prevent cancers. It would be both spiritually and physically good if you told all @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ to join the Fast of the Holy Month of Golden Bloom."

3. "Let's not be hasty; I'm sure there is room for a sweet compromise here," chimes in @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Creative Solutions. "I agree that suffering from thirst and hunger for a whole day can cause problems in the workplace. But instead of banning our Yellowite citizens from fulfilling their religious duties, we could give them paid leave during the Holy Month of Golden Bloom, so they could safely fast in the comfort of their homes. To safeguard equality, we can make similar accommodations for all faiths: extra vacations for pilgrimages and regular prayer breaks at work."

[4]. "This whole fasting thing is sacrilege!" exclaims Papa Luigi, a well-known pizzeria owner and a member of the Cult of Pizza, flailing his arms dramatically. "Only infidels would dare to starve themselves in blatant defiance of the Holy Crustiness of Pizza Margherita. We should prohibit all forms of fasting and endorse a force-feeding procedure for those who restrict their food intake for whatever reason. Pizza for @@NAME@@! Pizzazz for @@NAME@@!" [Must have private industry]

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#1152: Everybody Was Kung-Fu Fighting! [Bears Armed; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A report in today’s news suggests that the recent martial arts craze may be getting out of hand after the latest in a series of incidents left over a dozen people in @@CAPITAL@@ needing hospital treatment.

The Debate
1. “One moment, it was just two teenagers arguing over which had shoved the other in the cinema queue to see Knuck Chorris Meets Big Drago, then, as fast as lightning, just about everybody in sight was fighting!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a bruised and shaken businessman who’s being interviewed at the scene. “Not just kids, but shoppers and commuters too, kicking and punching each other, and doing poses like Drunken @@ANIMAL@@ right there in public! It was a little bit frightening. The government ought to ban teaching that sort of thing, and shut down all the Bojos or Hojos or whatever they’re called.”

2. “Ahh, so a few young whippersnappers got a bit too lively,” comments @@CAPITAL@@’s gruff and aging police chief. “What’s needed isn’t trying to stop folks from learning how to fight, because they’ll always be doing that whether they call it Kung-Fu or Kung Pao or just plain old brawling. What’s needed is more police on the beat with better funding for our own training and gear. To keep the peace, of course.”

3. “If this humble one, whose name is Master Po, might be heard?” suggests a passer-by with a long white beard that touches the ground, speaking to a broadcasting reporter. “The true problem is not that so many people are learning these arts, grasshopper. It is that unfortunately too many of their teachers have been focusing solely on the arts’ physical aspects without also instructing their pupils in the underlying philosophical principles that would lead those people away from welcoming violent confrontation. I suggest making the teachings of the Seven Sages of Old a core part of this country’s education system - not just for those who would then learn to fight, but for everybody who would learn anything. This is the wisest answer available.”

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#1153: Side Effects [Candensia; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
@@ANIMAL@@ Pharmaceuticals, a major international drug company based in @@NAME@@, was recently linked to illegal human experimentation and an organ harvesting cult in the underdeveloped, jungle nation of Kawandaland. Its atrocities exposed, the company has gone bottom-up, throwing @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ markets into turmoil, and largely eliminating access to inexpensive medical supplies in Kawandaland.

The Debate
1. “@@ANIMAL@@ Pharmaceuticals was both dealing diphenhydramine and defiling human rights,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ ambassador to Kawandaland. “While they should have stayed with the former, we cannot allow this to cause a fatal reaction as far as @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@-Kawandalandian relations are concerned. Let’s begin medical aid shipments to their country. While it might not be cheap, such an action may yet preserve our honor in the eyes of these noble people.”

2. “Oh, I’d love to bandage up Kawandaland too, ambassador,” chimes in @@RANDOMNAME@@, a top-level official in the Finance Ministry. “You do realize that our economy is being wounded by this catastrophe as well, right? I agree that the situation in Kawandaland is a sad one, but we must save ourselves while we still have the chance. Instead of spending millions of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ on medical aid, we should use those funds to stabilize our markets. It might seem cold and heartless, but I’m just following triage procedures, and I believe the bleeding is worse here in @@NAME@@.”

3. “The actions of my former employers are quite repulsive, and have left quite a mess,” admits @@RANDOMNAME@@, a former representative of @@ANIMAL@@ Pharmaceuticals. “Do not despair for I have a fast-acting, extra-strength, non-drowsy method to resolve this! If the government could nationalize the pharmaceutical industry, then it’s only a matter of time before the markets rally back and we can eventually shift our interest back towards Kawandaland.”

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#1154: Foreign Tax Credits Leave Film Industry Reeling [Nation of Quebec; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
More and more @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ film studios are turning to Brancaland due to the generous tax credits of the picturesque coastal city Maxhoover. Industry representatives and local patriots alike have prompted calls for action.

The Debate
1. “CUT!” shouts controversial film director @@RANDOMNAME@@, known for @@HIS@@ unapologetic patriotism and xenophobia, who is coincidentally filming a scene in your office. “@@LEADER@@, if I may be frank, why don’t we punish these unpatriotic hacks? They show a complete lack of respect for our culture and take jobs away from hardworking citizens. Can’t you put these people on some sort of watchlist and create some sort of committee to assess their loyalty to @@NAME@@?”

2. “What is it about these debates that always attracts crazy extremists?” sighs @@RANDOMNAME@@, the mayor of a lakefront city in @@NAME@@. “As much as I’d love for my city to be the face of the film industry, how can we blame these studios for going over to Brancaland? They offer generous tax credits, their people are friendly, and their environment is ranked as one of the best in the world. What we should be doing is offering tax credits of our own to encourage film crews to shoot movies and shows right here at home. Oh, and would it kill you to help us clean up the city? The streets and parks are littered with trash!”

3. “There’s no need to get your unmentionables in a twist aboot this,” suggests eccentric Brancalandian talent agent Mike Shatner with long pauses between his words. “I’ll have you know that actors are one of Brancaland’s primary exports. In return we offer tax credits and the best studios that money can buy. Unless you want to risk damaging your country’s relationship with Brancaland and deny your people some quality acting, like the award-winning Spit @@LEADER@@ Says, I suggest you make it easier for studios to choose Brancaland over @@NAME@@. By the way, was that a great impression of you, or what?”

4. “I would like to suggest that we advertise @@NAME@@ to a classier audience,” remarks snooty independent film director @@RANDOMNAME@@ while sipping on a glass of Brancalandian Red. “You don’t want the riffraff making @@NAME@@ look like a bunch of uncultured hicks with explosions and gore-fests, do you? With generous investments in the industry, we can attract the right audiences and weed out the boorish undesirables. You could even host yearly film festivals in @@CAPITAL@@ to encourage more people to film in our exquisite city!”

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#1155: The Banquet of Walnuts [Verdant Haven; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati

The Issue
A massive church scandal has begun unfolding internally after a number of religious leaders and other supposedly holy individuals were found to have participated in an evening of debauchery and licentiousness, the specifics of which are in strict conflict with many core teachings of the faith. Featuring illicit companionship, suggestive dancing, and candied walnuts scattered about the floor for use in shockingly immoral ways, the salacious details of this banquet will surely shake your people's faith to its core.

The Debate
1. "We must make examples of these reprobates!" roars @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister for Ministries, from the portable pulpit that @@HE@@ is always being wheeled around in by @@HIS@@ assistants. "Our faith must show no tolerance for those who deviate from the true path. The perpetrators must be cast out from our nation and into the fires of anywhere but here! They are sick, twisted, and didn't invite me!"

2. "The people won't lose their trust if we make sure they don't hear about this in the first place," murmurs a shady-looking individual slowly rolling a pair of walnuts in his hand. "We just need to hush up what happened, and quietly have the offenders moved to other dioceses so this doesn't happen again... at least not with the same witnesses. If anybody comes forward publicly, we'll accuse them of fabricating it all!"

3. "Is it really so bad?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, the official who happens to own the house where the party occurred. "I mean honestly, if the higher power is synonymous with love, what could be more divine than sharing one's love with a few dozen strangers? @@NAME@@ should embrace our activities and teach the populace that all love is good love!"

4. "Honestly, the state shouldn't entangle itself with the private activities of the church, just as the church should stay out of matters of government," flatly states the nearly forgotten Minister of Secular Affairs. "Besides, if our religious leadership can't follow our religion, how can we trust them to guide our country? Perhaps it's time to give secular leaders back their power... say, why are you grabbing that pitchfork?"

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#1156: Pet Theory [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A video recently made the rounds on crowdfunding websites, showing a disease-ridden elderly @@ANIMAL@@, clearly in great distress. This was accompanied by a commentary from the owner, pleading for donations to help pay for the medical treatment that @@HE_1@@ couldn’t afford.

The Debate
1. “Animals can suffer just as much as humans can,” explains @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, the pet owner in question, hoping that it was clear this was an observation rather than a suggestion. “Happily, crowdfunding paid for poor Lucky’s treatment, even though he didn’t make it. For the future though, I think there should be a National Veterinary Service to provide health care for all domesticated animals.”

2. “Oh come on, they’re just things! They don’t have feelings!” laughs teenager @@RANDOMNAME@@ whilst pulling the wings off a fly. “Their health is their owner’s cost to cover. If this idiot couldn’t afford to look after @@HIS_1@@ @@ANIMAL@@, @@HE_1@@ should have let it die, or just disposed of it.”

[3]. “We can be balanced about this, and provide something for animals while boosting the economy,” offers Commodus Gruber, CEO of fast food chain BurgerThis. “My company will offer free euthanasia to any sick animals brought to our slaughterhouses, so long as we can keep the remains. You just need to loosen a few bureaucratic regulations, and the problem will be gone.” [Must not be vegetarian]

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#1157: Rodney and Julietta [The Free Joy State; ed: Pogaria]

The Issue
The unlikely romance between your nephew Rodney and Princess Julietta, the second daughter of the King of Moltevino, has been the talk of @@REGION@@ for many months. However, it hit a snag when the young couple decided to make a long-term commitment. Moltevino refuses to sanction such a match, as your nephew is not of royal blood.

The Debate
1. “The King of Moltevino extends his noble hand in friendship,” declares Moltevino’s ambassador Lord Capello between tightly clenched lips, half-bowing. “Our fair kingdom has been enriched by exports of our many grape-based products and would like to share that glory through a favorable trade agreement. The King has one small request in return: lock your threadbare juggler of a nephew away from the Pearl of Moltevino, burn all his mad-headed ravings of love, and keep that rancorous coxcomb confined until he has foresworn all ties that he claims existed between himself and the Princess. Her Radiance isn’t a hedge-born puterelle who should be consorting with commoners! No offence intended.”

*2. “Pathetic little Moltevino is trying to push us around?” scoffs the Minister of Ego-Boosting. “You could spit from one side of their country and hit the other side! Their only notable export is wine. Granted, it’s damn good wine, but we still have Marche Noire. Let good old Princess Jules come and live in @@NAME@@. What are the Moltevinans gonna do? Invade us to get their ‘Pearl’ back? With what — their army of three pensioners, two cowards, and one courageous golden retriever named ‘Cuddles’? I’d like to see them try!” [Alcohol is legal]

*3. “Pathetic little Moltevino is trying to push us around?” scoffs the Minister of Ego-Boosting and Teetotalism. “You could spit from one side of their country and hit the other side! Their only notable export is wine. I mean, it’s damn good wine... I’ve heard. But we don’t want that stuff in our dry country anyway! Let good old Princess Jules come and live in @@NAME@@. What are the Moltevinans gonna do? Invade us to get their ‘Pearl’ back? With what — their army of three pensioners, two cowards, and one courageous golden retriever named ‘Cuddles’? I’d like to see them try!” [Alcohol is illegal]

4. “Fair Moltevino has so much more than wine,” exhorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Minister of Culture, as he holds up a brochure. “Look at this: meandering river cruises through wine country, historic architecture, Lovers’ Clock in the piazza vecchia. Perhaps an influx of tourist cash might be the tie that binds this lovers’ knot, through a story that shouldn’t be forgot. The young couple could settle in their preferred nation, and in return we would help promote Moltevino as a major tourist destination. Lots of sightseers visiting romantic places can put a smile on even the grumpiest of kings’ faces. For never was a story marketed better, than that of Rodney and his Julietta.”

5. “Oh, just become a monarch,” shrugs your laziest nephew, @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, who’s just been fired after one day at his latest in a long line of jobs. “Come on, you waving to the people from balconies, talking about ‘royal unions between two nations, both alike in dignity’... folks’d love it! Then Rodney would be ‘His Royal Highness Rodney of @@NAME@@’ and I’d never have to work again... I mean, and he could be with the Princess. Wouldn’t that be cool?”

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#1158: Flying Into a Rage [Australian rePublic; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Two passengers were both accused of going on drunken rampages on two different flights. When they each faced the same judge on the same day, one was sentenced to two years in prison while the other was issued a small fine and a stern warning. The only apparent difference between the two is that the first was a man, and the second was a woman.

The Debate
1. “This is sky-high sexism,” complains @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, brother to the convicted man. “Both people here pleaded guilty to and committed the same crime, but were treated totally differently! The system is discriminatory against men, and must be changed! Sentences should be based on the crime, not the perpetrator’s gender!”

2. “This man is being ludicrous,” counters Judge @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@. “When sentencing, we look at a wide range of factors. These include assessment of statistical likelihood of repeat offence, and the aggression of the individual. The law is not black and white, and I judged that this 120-kilo skinhead male was more likely to reoffend than the mild-mannered and charming young lady in the sensible suit. Judicial discretion is essential in sentencing, and must be respected.”

3. “Why dost thou think it so ill if a maiden receiveth a more lenient sentence than a knave?” questions armourclad medieval re-enactor @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, as he hands out pamphlets about the benefits of chivalry. “Menfolk are more capable of tolerating prison than the weaker flowers of femininity, and our poor ladyfolk art needed back at the hearth to tend to the children, and to their womanly duties! Spare the weaker sex the indignity of gaol, I beseech thee!”

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#1159: The Sad State of Affairs [Jutsa; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Some @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are circumventing the ban on adultery by marrying anyone they’d like an affair with. Once the excitement of the relationship is over, the lovers will often then have nothing further to do with each other.

The Debate
*1. “These morally deficient sex addicts are making a mockery of the sanctity of marriage,” says @@RANDOMNAME@@, hand-in-hand with his two wives. “A marriage is supposed to be a sacred bond of trust between two, or more, people for life. You should make these legal adulterers pay by having them live with their partners until the day they die – no divorce, no separation, nothing! If they don’t comply, they should be charged with adultery and receive the full punishment!” [Divorce is legal]

*2. TBD [Divorce is illegal]

3. “This was bound to happen,” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, a leading monogamy advocate and author of the controversial book I Do, Not We Do. “Having multiple spouses is just cheating on your one true love. Make everyone choose one spouse, and only one spouse. That’s the way to true peace and marital harmony.”

4. “Consent is the word to remember,” blurts out @@RANDOMNAME@@, your cousin’s first and least favourite spouse. “You know why? Because if someone feels the need for a bit — ahem — extra, they should have the full consent from every spouse involved. Legally documented and informed consent will put to bed the troublesome issue of illegal extramarital affairs.”
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Feb 26, 2019 2:32 pm, edited 37 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1160: Milking It [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
@@DEMONYMADJETIVE@@ consumers have seen the prices of dairy products continue to skyrocket, seemingly without reason. However, a recent exposé by an investigative journalist has finally shed light on this situation: the three largest dairy producers in @@NAME@@ have conspired to fix prices.

The Debate
1. “Shame! Shame! Down with the cartels!” chants @@RANDOMNAME@@, an angry protestor, ringing a cow bell in sync with @@HIS@@ slogans. “We’ve had to pay exorbitant prices for basic dairy foodstuffs, all because a bunch of industry fat cats decided they wanted to rip us off! You should immediately implement strict antitrust laws across all industries to prevent such collusions, and make these price-fixers pay a sizeable deterrent fine.”

2. “What? Holy cow! We were just trying to, uh, help our farmers!” exclaims Curd Holstein, CEO of MooMoo Pure Dairy. “Supermarket price wars were driving milk rates so low that dairy farmers were running at a loss, and struggling to make ends meet. Our noble goal was to improve their lot by increasing the prices, but nobody appreciates us! You should support and congratulate us, @@LEADER@@, as well as provide subsidies to the dairy industry.”

3. “It’s a shame that we have to pay for basic commodities like this,” muses embittered socialist @@RANDOMNAME@@. “Look, imagine you have two cows and... no, wait, that doesn’t work. What I mean to say is that the government should pay producers a fixed tariff, and then supply a milk ration directly to the people. That will prevent greedy businesspeople from endangering people’s health for profit, and ensure that nobody will go to bed hungry!”

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#1161: Chip Off the Ol’ Block [Jutsa; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
An anonymous whistleblower leaked evidence that despite banning political parties, powerful and secret blocs of politicians have begun unofficially helping each other pass and defeat legislation, effectively rendering the ban pointless.

The Debate
1. “I cannot believe the nerve of these people!” fumes independent MP @@RANDOMNAME@@ while making threatening gestures at @@HIS@@ rivals in the room. “Here we are, trying to run a government free of partisan politics, and instead we have what’s effectively a party trying to undermine the system! Everyone involved in these blocs must be expelled from office before they take over the government!”

2. “I’m shocked, shocked!” sarcastically replies a former Opposition backbencher while making a tally of the MPs surrounding you. “Of course, we wouldn’t have this problem if we had political parties. What you should do is reinstate national parties, and install some sort of... oh, let’s say ‘quota’ for each one. That way, people with opposing viewpoints will be fairly represented, and no one would be more powerful than anyone else.”

3. “No way! This has been the greatest idea you’ve ever had!” exclaims independent MP and professional suck-up @@RANDOMNAME@@. “The fact that people elected us like-minded officials should tell you what they really want - and what they want is for us to implement your agenda. So why not cut out the middleman and henceforth ban all elections in Socialist Democratic Communes? Blackacre manages well enough without them. That way, you can impose your agenda without any opposition getting in the way!”

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#1162: She’s Always a Woman to Me [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Gnejs]

The Issue
Your Minister for Anti-Homosexuality, @@RANDOMNAME@@, was recently arrested for sleeping with a transwoman who possessed male genitals. Homosexuality is illegal in @@NAME@@, but many around you are unsure if his actions count as breaking the law. In chains and on his knees, the fallen minister waits for you to decide his fate.

The Debate
1. “Oh @@LEADER@@, thank you for allowing me this audience!” cries the relieved Willy. “You know that I fully support the homosexuality ban. I am straight, and I’m not at all attracted to men. My lover is not a man. She’s a woman, and what I was doing with her was completely legal. She just so happens to still have a penis, that’s all. Please, release both of us and I’ll work hard to take down all the hidden homosexuals in this nation.”

*2. “Either way, he is still a deviant pervert,” contends the bearded Acting Minister for Anti-Homosexuality. “We must clarify that our laws cover this sort of abhorrent behavior; a penis is not a technicality! Although I’m sure our friend here has been enjoying his time in chains, I say we make an example out of this debauchee and hang both him and his plaything.” [Must not have capital punishment]

*3. “Either way, he is still a deviant pervert,” contends the bearded Acting Minister for Anti-Homosexuality. “We must clarify that our laws cover this sort of abhorrent behavior; a penis is not a technicality! Although I’m sure our friend here has been enjoying his time in chains, I say we make an example out of this debauchee and hang both him and his plaything.” [Must have capital punishment]

4. “Just because a person is trapped in the body of the opposite sex, doesn’t mean they should automatically be perceived as gay,” asserts the limp-wristed Sub-Minister for Anti-Homosexuality. “They’re actually attracted to their opposite sex; they just happen to be that sex at the same time... involuntarily. It can be confusing, I’ll grant you that. To avoid further muddle, I propose the government provide funds for all transsexual individuals to undergo mandatory sex reassignment surgery.”

5. “Or...” shouts your resident poet @@RANDOMNAME@@, followed by an overly long pause for dramatic effect. “You step out of the shadowlands, shift course and sail the ship of @@NAME@@ on great winds bearing perfume and warmth, towards a shore where love is love and to love is never a crime.” Looking at the blank faces of your ministers, he sighs and turns to you. “You know, just legalize it, man.”

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#1163: Some Assembly Required [Austral Coast; ed: Altmer Dominion]

The Issue
After an ill-advised demonstration during a floor speech on chemical safety standards, the national legislative building is in need of extensive renovations. Leading architects, lawmakers and political scientists have arranged a meeting with you to discuss designs for the new assembly chamber.

The Debate
1. “We should look to the Parliament of Brancaland for inspiration,” pants opposition leader @@RANDOMNAME@@, taking a break from shouting into @@HIS@@ phone. “Two sets of benches: one for my Opposition and allies, the other for the current Government and their accomplices. From just over two sword lengths apart within the Clerkship’s square should we look our enemies — ahem — colleagues in the eye and have a straightforward debate about the issues facing @@NAME@@. Besides, I like right angles. If only my colleagues on the other side shared the same appreciation...”

2. “The Brancalandian legislature is infamous for running into gridlock,” warns senior legislator @@RANDOMNAME@@. “I surmise that a traditional semicircle would be best. Tried and true by many classical governments throughout the ages, it shall add an air of gravitas to all proceedings. With an emphasis on non-fixed seating placing parliament members of different backgrounds next to one another, you’ll find the opposition less concerned with putting up a visible fight and better focused on finding ways to get the actual work of governing done.”

3. “There’s no time for half-measures!” declares wide-eyed celebrity architect @@RANDOMNAME@@, laying out a rather large floor plan on your desk. “I have plans to install a grand circular skylight above the assembly while expanding the visitor gallery to three full floors. Underneath it all, there’d be no seats, only an unbridled tide of legislators flowing over concentric circles of colour. What better way to illustrate the complexity and beauty of politics unbound?”

4. “What a waste of taxpayer money,” grumbles your mustachioed adviser Don Duckson, whittling down a block of wood. “Don’t humor these petulant children; just have podiums at the front for the leadership with rows of solid oak desks for everyone else. It’s simple and efficient. I don’t see what else we have to discuss here.”

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#1164: What a Gneiss Place We've Got Here [Chan Island; ed: Luna Amore]

The Issue
A vast and seemingly endless new cave system has just been discovered in a remote section of Violetstone National Park! Despite not even having a name yet, petitioners are crowding your office telling you what to do with it.

The Debate
1. "I'm ready. Let's do this!" shouts renowned adrenaline junkie, Weevil Knievel, waving a headlamp at you. "I am going to be the first person to ever explore this cave. It would be yet another feather in the cap of my already stellar career! Yes, I know it's a nine day off-road trek into sensitive ecosystems. Yes, I know it will be fraught with danger and intrigue. That's the whole point! Give me the green light... and, while you're at it, a camera crew."

2. "You can't be serious?" chastises @@RANDOMNAME@@, the head of the advocacy group 'No Safety, Know Pain'. "Who knows what kind of beasts and perils might be lurking in there? Imagine this @@LEADER@@: a good, wholesome @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ family, out having a picnic in the splendor of Violetstone National Park. Suddenly, a rare horn-billed @@ANIMAL@@ skitters by, distracting the parents. Their young son wanders off, gets lost in this deathtrap of a cave and dies! Do you want that hypothetical boy's blood on your conscience? You must protect your citizens and seal this cave for our safety."

3. "Whoop-dee-doo, there's a new cave! Get over it," snorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of Violetstone's junior rangers. "You know what else is still there? Any number of trees, flowers, bunnies — you name it — all happily undisturbed by human activities. I say we keep it that way with a boost to the park budget. With more money, we can crack down on anyone who tries to illegally enter prohibited areas."

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#1165: Crosswords Beget Angry Letters [Lislandia; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
A major national newspaper is taking heat after one of its crossword puzzles contained the answer ‘BIGWIGS’, which is considered a racial slur by Bigtopians. This is not the first time the paper has come under fire for its puzzling word choices, and concerned citizens are squaring off outside your door in hopes of filling in the blanks for you.

The Debate
1. “Get a clue, @@LEADER@@!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, president of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Civil Liberties Alliance, as @@HE@@ snaps one of your pencils in half. “It is well known throughout @@REGION@@ that the B-word is a degrading term referring to members of our nation’s Bigtopian community. There is only one solution: demand that the paper fire those who permitted this puzzle to go to print. That should send a warning to everyone that such disrespect and callousness will never be tolerated!”

2. “What’s a five-letter word that means ‘iciness’?” inquires Bill Pantz, crossword editor for the newspaper in question, glancing up from a recent puzzle submission he is proofreading. “Oh, that’s right, ‘CHILL!’ Look, the word ‘bigwigs’ simply refers to elitist fat cats, as was clued in the puzzle. On rare occasions, perfectly legitimate words that have sometimes been used as slurs like ‘porp’, ‘beepus’, or ‘jonky’, are fair use in a puzzle. Apologies to anyone who was offended, but that’s where the matter ends. That’s as black-and-white as it gets.”

*3. “Solving this puzzle requires us to think outside the box,” interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairperson of the Committee on Appropriate Language in Media. “This problem indicates a lack of varied perspectives within the corporate and media worlds. We should look to promote greater diversity in the workplace, which means instituting government-mandated sensitivity training, financial incentives for companies who hire from certain target groups, and increased funding for programs that seek the advancement of underrepresented communities. It will be expensive, but can we really put a price on inclusivity?” [Must have private industry]

*4. “Solving this puzzle requires us to think outside the box,” interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, chairperson of the Committee on Appropriate Language in Media. “This problem indicates a lack of varied perspectives within the media and state-run economies. We should look to promote greater diversity in the workplace, which means instituting mandatory sensitivity training, rewards for those who hire from certain target groups, and increased funding for programs that seek the advancement of underrepresented communities. I’m sure the citizenry will appreciate the extra focus on multiculturalism and tolerance.” [Must not have private industry]

5. “This wouldn’t even be a problem if we nationalized the media!” exclaims Manny Festaux, your Minister of Orwellian Orthodoxy. “Imagine how much easier it would be to pick and choose the content that was published in the dailies. Not only that, but you won’t have to worry anymore about negative publicity directed at you! Now, shall we replace these pesky crosswords with word searches or sudokus?”

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#1166: Acres Wild [Altmer Dominion; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
Upon the planned completion of their vacation estate in northern @@NAME@@, a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ billionaire has additionally, and unexpectedly, purchased the vast bulk of a large forest adjacent to their property for the sole purpose of stocking and hunting @@ANIMAL@@.

The Debate
1. “Nobody should have a right to that much land!” shouts @@RANDOMNAME@@, the mayor of @@ANIMAL@@ Grove. “That forest has sustained this town for years! Tradespeople responsibly take lumber, families near and far hike the trails, and there’s a thriving birdwatching industry. All these people depend on the land and this charlatan just suddenly squats on it! What a waste. Not only should this particular forest be returned to us, @@NAME@@ needs to conduct a thorough review of these land holdings and reverse this practice of theft once and for all.”

2. “What poppycock! I have grand plans for this forest!” exclaims the shocked billionaire who can be seen wearing a wide-brimmed sunhat. “I’m planning on fashioning my own private hunting forest. There are some remarkably rare animals here that would look simply lovely on my wall. That said, while I may be inclined to hunt, our country’s finer citizens might wish to augment their holdings instead. Only the wealthiest have the presence of mind to academically appreciate the gifts of Mother Nature. If you encourage them to commit to further woodland area purchases, @@NAME@@ will surely see a diversity of forest management techniques.”

3. “What incredible selfishness!” protests @@RANDOMNAME@@, a conservationist. “Who do these people think they are? It’s neither the town nor the rich snob’s forest! Nobody should own it! Both groups have visions of exploitation borne out of their own self-centeredness. The government must protect all public land from these hearts of greed and from those monsters who would use that land to hunt innocent animals for sport.”

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#1167: Another Brick in the Wall [Sacara; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A devastating earthquake occurred near the eastern border of @@NAME@@ last night, taking down a large section of the border wall in the process. To the surprise of the construction workers who showed up this morning, the area was filled by a group of masked people protesting against the rebuilding effort.

The Debate
1. “There’s no reason why this should stop the repair work, no reason at all!” exclaims Minister of Barriers @@RANDOMNAME@@, pushing aside a protestor to make a start on boarding up the hole. “First round up all these troublesome demonstrators and arrest them. Then make this restoration our top priority, we need to make this wall even bigger and better than before – build it at least ten feet higher in the area where it fell.”

2. “The wall was a bad idea in the first place,” asserts one of the masked protestors. “Why do we need such a draconian immigration policy anyway? There are people fleeing wars and persecution who only wish to come here to live life in peace. @@LEADER@@, use this opportunity not to build a wall, but to embrace a new era of openness for @@NAME@@.”

3. “Perhaps we could ease up on the immigration law just a bit?” advocates Zeke Fox, a long-time advisor who has a knack of creating compromises. “Instead of ‘wall’ or ‘no wall’, why don’t we turn this newly acquired gap into an official border crossing? Then any foreigner who wishes to come to our great @@TYPE@@ can go through the proper channels – controlled immigration: no riff-raff, just the cream of the crop. It will also make vacations to our eastern neighbors easier, I hear they have a great water festival this time of the year.”

4. “How about we address the real problem? The wall wasn’t structurally sound!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Immigration Minister. “How can we ever claim to keep our border secure if a measly earthquake can just knock it down? It’s time we fund a massive renovation of the entire wall – to ensure that it can stand against any act of nature. While we’re at it, this wall could do with a few sentry turrets, a barbed-wire top, and landmines, lots of landmines!”

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#1168: Too Much Too Young [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Nation of Quebec]

The Issue
The International Humanitarian Aid Coordination Committee (IHACC) has recently produced an eight-hundred page document examining causes of political instability, terrorist radicalisation, and wealth inequalities. The overall conclusion is that an absence of easily available contraception in the poorest nations in the world may be a key underlying factor to many global ills.

The Debate
1. “Geostatistical analysis and extrapolation has established within a quasi-estimated p-value that is likely to be less than 0.05 that the burden of children during teenage years results in disparities in gender power gaps, deficits in democratic engagement and exacerbation of cycles of poverty,” spiels IHACC Directorate Investigator @@RANDOMNAME@@, without pausing for breath. “Under reference of six separate resolutions relating to equality and advancement of civil rights, referenced in Appendices VII.4 to VII.5, you must now contribute to worldwide family planning services, to the sum of 650 million @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@. Do you want to pay by cash or card?”

2. “Don’t see why it’s a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ problem to pay for condoms in poverty-stricken hellholes,” complains Treasury Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, proudly pinning a ‘@@NAME@@ First’ badge to @@HIS@@ lapel. “Give me a day or two, and I’ll have our International Treaties department draw up some legal objections that will defer the payments ad infinitum. Then, we’ll be able to spare our taxpayers the burden of forking out for the sexual promiscuity of foreign nations.”

3. TBD

4. “Give me one moment of your time,” interjects surprisingly polite Tasmanian militia boss Whit Houston, climbing in through your window with an assault rifle in hand. “I believe that children are our future. We teach them well, and let them show the way, as minefield scouts and pre-teen soldiers. If contraceptives are brought in, we’ll be losing real manpower. Or boypower. Why not work with me to supply arms to the Tasmanian Freedom Army? I just wanna trade with somebody. Hey!” He yells in surprise as your bodyguard bursts into the room and drags him out.

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#1169: An Old Head on Young Shoulders [Candensia; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Last week, rowdy schoolchildren toppled and broke a priceless ancient Maxtopian statue in the National Museum, then took selfies with the statue’s cracked head. Now, many curators across @@NAME@@ are demanding that anyone under the age of 13 be banned from museums.

The Debate
1. “Why do parents want to bring their kids to our museums?” weeps curator @@RANDOMNAME@@, mournfully cradling the head of the decapitated statue. “Inevitably, the little hooligans run around yelling and touching everything. What’s more, having children about inevitably results in museums being dumbed-down, with shiny interactive displays and silly flashing lights. One museum I went to had a ball pit in the basement! A ball pit! Young children should be excluded, and we should be refocusing museums on preserving and celebrating our culture and history.”

2. “Oh, get off your high horse,” retorts @@RANDOMNAME@@, mother of three self-proclaimed ‘dinosaur hunters’ who are currently jumping up and down on your desk. “It’s unconscionable that we are even debating shutting the museum door on kids. Denying children entry will only hurt @@NAME@@ in the long run. In fact, all children should have free entry guaranteed, and museums must be made to be more kid-friendly!”

3. “I, like, can’t see why museums are even still a thing,” complains teenager @@RANDOMNAME@@, in a bland monotone. “Just last week my school, like, made my class go on a field trip to a museum or something. It was like the most boring thing ever. We were there for so long that I was beginning to fossilize, and only thing I liked was walking out the front door. You should just, like, tear down all museums. Soooooo boring.”

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#1170: To Catch a Beef [Luna Amore; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A rancher on the southeastern border of @@NAME@@ was killed during a cattle raid on @@HIS_1@@ farm. The death marks a peak in a growing trend of cattle rustling around border communities.

The Debate
*1. TBD Guns are legal?

*2. “This is a travesty!” yelps @@RANDOMNAME@@, the cousin of the deceased. “@@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ lived to farm. @@HE@@’d sooner jump from a bridge than hurt a fly. I tell you, these acts — these unspeakable attacks — are being committed by those damn South Nobovindians. They’re envious of our cattle. They slip across in the dead of night, steal any livestock they can and kill anyone who dares get in their way. Give us combat training, more guns, and the right to use them freely: these rustlers must be stopped at all costs!”

3. “We don’t even know if it was the Nobovindians,” cautions City Commissioner @@RANDOMNAME@@, while casually sipping on @@HIS@@ coffee, “and it would be completely improper for us to go off half-cocked on hearsay and emotional testimony. There’s a proper investigation to have, and leveled and reasoned response to hold. Let’s not go rattling the saber over roast beef.”

4. “They’re bastards, that’s for sure,” states a man covered in dried grass and @@ANIMAL@@ droppings. “We don’t need to catch them. We don’t need to deter them. We need to explode them. Tag a dozen cows, rig them with dynamite, let ‘em be stolen and see where the explosions come from. That’ll tell you where these thieves are. That’ll tell you where to bomb. Trust me, there’s no such thing as disproportionate retribution.”

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#1171: Match Made in Heaven? [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Beautiful, blonde, and bisexual, the 25-year-old tennis player @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME_1@@ Pournikova is perhaps better known for @@HIS@@ modelling work and stunning smile than for the speed of @@HIS@@ serves. In a recent TV interview, @@HE@@ was asked who @@HIS@@ ideal lover would be. To your surprise, @@HE@@ named you, @@LEADER@@.

The Debate
1. “Publicity seeking pervert!” yells TV evangelist Dickens Manhole. “Uh... @@FIRSTNAME_1@@, that is, not you, dear leader! Righteousness compels you to denounce @@HIM_1@@, to denounce @@HIS_1@@ sinful promiscuity, @@HIS_1@@ bisexual deviance, and @@HIS_1@@ depraved sexual past!”

2. “If you’re game for a match, you could be set for a serious popularity boost,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the grinning chat show host who conducted the now notorious interview. “Doesn’t matter if @@HE_1@@’s your preferred type, or what your availability is, or even what your gender preference is - the name of the game here is playing to the crowd. Let’s do a televised one-on-one with some spin and we’ll make you both look smashing!”

3. “Oh @@HE_1@@ is my favourite! I’d love to show @@HIM_1@@ MY Gran Willy,” says @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@, your lewd elderly uncle, wiping the steam from his spectacle lenses. “Sure, @@HE_1@@’s just courting publicity, but that doesn’t mean you can’t take the break. Give @@HIM_1@@ a front page picture with you at a movie premiere, and in return @@HE_1@@ can make a racket with you down the line. Hey, it’s the world’s oldest profession!”

4. “This exhibition is distracting from serious politics,” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, your grey-suited Minister of Revenues. “Just laugh off the whole thing as a joke, and use the camera time to talk about important issues, like your proposition to reallocate roles from the Working Tax Auditors to the Association of Tax Pre-assessment. After all, things like insurance breaks, junior exempts and pre-qualifiers are what interests the population, not yawn-worthy old tennis.”

5. “Okay, so the media, the public and everyone else is labelling @@HIM_1@@ a publicity-hound and saying this is all about exposure,” observes gossip columnist @@RANDOMNAME@@ from Not Bad Magazine, “but don’t you want to consider the possibility that @@HE_1@@’s for real? Why not take @@HIM_1@@ seriously, and woo @@HIM_1@@ sincerely? You never know, this might be the start of something really beautiful!”

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#1172: Piled Higher and Deeper [Ransium; ed: Altmer Dominion]

The Issue
As of late, you’ve noticed a higher concentration of scruffy-looking protesters than usual picketing outside your office. After asking around for the reason, your Education Minister finally informs you that the nation’s PhD students have been on strike for the past six months.

The Debate
1. “Finally feeling the pain of ‘The Great Graduate Student Strike’?” gloats PhD candidate @@RANDOMNAME@@, helping @@HIM@@self to a drink from your liquor cabinet. “We’re dedicating our lives to improving science and the arts, all for the greater good of @@NAME@@. And what do we get in return? Long hours and stress counseling while we’re all probably heavily in debt! Universities can’t go on without graduate students, so throw us a line for once! Divert education funding towards the salaries of all graduate TAs and researchers while eliminating our financial burdens! Without this deal, rest assured it’s back to the picket line for us!”

*2. “I don’t see what the problem is,” notes @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@, perusing your liquor cabinet for the most expensive selection. “Don’t listen to that pretty homely dork. The free market always sorts these things out: wherever there’s a true industrial need, researchers’ salaries will become competitive. And quite personally, I don’t see any need around here. I suggest you take a page from the entrepreneurs of yore and fire every graduate picketer currently employed at state-funded schools. They can go back to being professional hamburger dispensers while our long-suffering universities finally have the opportunity to hire new students actually grateful for the chance at a job.” [Must have private industry]

*3. TBD [Must not have private industry]

4. “What if universities could have their future scientists and professors without having to pay anything?” suggests your former math teacher, handing you a few bottles of saké to replenish your liquor cabinet. “Back home in Dàguó, we have a lot of prospective students who would love better-paying jobs. Put a halt to all government funding of graduate education while simultaneously making it easier for foreign students to immigrate. We could even pay them a stipend of a few thousand golden @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ just for coming here. If anything, I think potential immigrants will consider this a perfectly heuristic decision for themselves.”

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#1173: Thinking a Little Too Hard? [Krusavich; ed: Candlewhisper Archive

The Issue
A highly publicized data leak from Maxtopia has revealed classified military projects studying ESP, astral projection, mind-reading and other psychic-related phenomena.

The Debate
1. "Just look at the things Maxtopia was experimenting with!" exclaims General @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ fiddling with a tinfoil 'projection' cap. "There's mind-reading devices, brain-expansion exercises, this 'Dream Twister' secret project, and so much more! I mean, just imagine the potential strategic advantages on the battlefield, or in intelligence operations! Even if it comes to nothing, can you risk letting them get ahead of us? We should also be funding open-minded research into the paranormal, just to see what we find."

2. "Research alone is not taking this far enough!" proclaims purportedly psychokinetic guru @@RANDOMNAME@@, offering you a copy of @@HIS@@ self-help book Moving Forward. "The full potential of the human mind is an infinite power beyond this puny material world! A psychic soldier could stop their enemy's heart with a thought, and smash tanks with a wave of the hand. Set aside all conventional arms, and train your army to fight purely with psychic force."

3. "Oh please, don't tell me you've fallen for this nonsense as well!" moans famed debunker @@RANDOMNAME@@. "All these projects amounted to nothing: nada, zilch, zero! They have only ever produced wasted time and wasted money. It's time that we clamped down on ridiculous superstitions, and purged all magical thinking from our military! Any soldier caught spouting mystical mumbo-jumbo should be dishonorably discharged immediately!"

4. "Of course the paranormal isn't real, but that doesn't mean we can't spread some disinformation," murmurs Propaganda Director @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Essentially, this is about PSYOPS, not psychic ops. You must first fake and then leak data claiming that we have already developed paranormal military capabilities. This will unnerve credulous nation states, while also wasting the espionage resources of more cautious foes as they seek to refute our claims. It'll be a cheap way to gain a significant strategic edge, so why not go for it?"

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#1174: Bad Press [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
After a tip-off from a local informant, a SWAT team raided @@ANIMAL@@ Hill Middle School. Their targets were the students publishing the school newspaper, with the schoolchildren taken into police custody for breaking the state’s official news monopoly.

The Debate
1. “What is wrong with a bunch of 11-year-olds publishing a newspaper about the events happening in their school?” exclaims furious mother @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, brandishing a rolled-up copy of the latest issue of @@ANIMAL@@ Hill Weekly. “Without school newspapers, how are we supposed to find out when my little @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME's next soccer match is going to take place or how @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@'s mom is flirting with the math teacher to raise her child’s grades? People should be able to publish periodicals of non-political content without requiring government permission. Also, release our children immediately, or I’ll set the PTA on you!”

2. “Whoa, are you out of your mind?” yells @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Truth, grabbing the newspaper from the angry parent’s hand and tossing it into the portable incinerator he drags around for this specific purpose. “How can we prevent the dissemination of fake news if we allow private media to exist? We should clamp down on all audacious attempts to mislead public opinion by contradicting state-approved news!”

3. “Hail thee, our most wise and glorious @@LEADER@@!” shouts out @@RANDOMNAME@@, a political commentator from the state-owned @@CAPITAL@@ Chronicles, who used to work for a dissident newspaper before it was shut down. “I would not doubt the wisdom of your decree, but why only periodicals of non-political content? Why should only people employed by the State be granted the privilege to sing your praises? How about all the aspiring journalists who are yearning to commend your most magnificent achievements? You should allow private media sources to publish political news as well, like the true leader you are.”

4. “Well... we could just allow these kids to publish their newspaper but also ensure that they don’t get up to any mischief,” chimes in your Minister of Alternative Solutions, peeking and whispering through from the other side of your office door’s keyhole. “We could simply require that all media organs, including school newspapers, be supervised by a government-appointed agent. If we happen to detect a sign of dissent, our agents can nip it in the bud.”

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#1175: Can I Borrow a Word? [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
A group of disgruntled language connoisseurs are complaining that loan-words from the Galliennais language are 'contaminating the native tongue of @@NAME@@' . They are calling for a government sponsored language purification project, robbing you of your joie de vivre as you try to relax and enjoy your pamplemousse cocktail.

The Debate
1. "This is a disgrace!" exclaims Harold Hastings, a linguist from @@CAPITAL@@ University, slamming the latest edition of the Maxford @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Dictionary on your desk. "These nasty Galliennais words — full of nasal sounds — have started to invade our glorious language. We should immediately launch this project in order to replace these hideous loan-words with their pristine @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ counterparts. My colleagues and I already have some suggestions on the table: 'eggy flapjacks' for 'omelette', and how about 'hey-I've-seen-this-before' for 'déjà vu'? All we need to publish a comprehensive list is a generous subsidy on your part."

2. "Oh mon dieu, but this approach will not work, as it doesn't target the raison d'être for Galliennais loan-words," enunciates William Norman, an enthusiastic Galliennais Literature professor from Cambarry University, with visible ennui. "The Galliennais culture is superior to ours, and so is their langue, par conséquent we need Galliennais words to express high-brow concepts such as rapprochement, savoir-faire, and je ne sais quoi. The importation of Galliennais words is fait accompli, and trying to reverse this will only be a faux pas. Let us embrace and teach to all Galliennais words and linguistic diversity: vive la différence!"

3. "Bah, humbug!" grunts bellicose General @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, while angrily smashing a Galliennais Merlot bottle on the floor. "We don't have to tolerate this nonsense; let's bomb Galliennes into the ground and colonize them. Then they'll learn our language soon enough!"

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#1176: Haters Gonna Hate [Skottengrad; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Underground internet sensation @@ANIMAL@@man has been using a computer-generated voice to create parodies of various rap songs that promote racism, xenophobia, and bigotry. However, many suspect that @@ANIMAL@@man is not actually an individual, but is an assumed identity used by a large number of anonymous internet users.

The Debate
1. "@@ANIMAL@@man must be stopped!" rages middle-aged conservative @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Look at these songs! Bigtopian Lives Don't Matter? Remove All Violetists? Lilliputians (Stomp on Them)? These songs are a disgrace to humanity! We must show the world we won't stand for this! Video streaming companies must be forced to find and take down offensive content like this, and be faced with hefty fines if they fail to do so."

2. "These older folks don't get it; @@ANIMAL@@man is nothing but a harmless joke!" says civil service intern, @@RANDOMNAME@@, "Sure, there will be some who actually believe in this stuff, but the satirists creating these songs are parodying hate speech. You have to stand up for the right to create parody! Plus maybe they're just angry about being powerless and unappreciated juniors in a monolithic bureaucracy, with a line manager who never says thanks when he brings her morning coffee. Uh, so I would imagine, anyway..."

3. "I think this issue is more serious than we realize," whispers Intelligence Agency Director McKinnon. "An anonymous group dividing our country? That doesn't sound like something spontaneous. This seems more like something Blackacre would do. They've been trying to undermine @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ society for decades. If you want to stop @@ANIMAL@@man, you must stop disinformation. A well-funded counter-terrorism cyber-unit with the freedom to act decisively will stop this threat!"

4. "You know, it's the anonymity of the internet that allows this hate speech," observes one of your aides. "What if we just turned off the internet? Think about it: no more @@ANIMAL@@man, no more trolls, no more lying dating profiles with misleading pictures wasting my time... hey, it's a win for everyone!"

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#1177: A Funny Old Game [Outer Sparta; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Although your nation put in a strong proposal to host the next International Football Federation (IFF) Global Cup, your bid was rejected. Instead, the oil-rich nation of Althaniq won, despite a near total lack of football infrastructure. Many are blaming this decision on bribery and corruption on a massive scale.

The Debate
1. “It was rigged!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of the @@NAME@@ Football Association (@@NAMEINITIALS@@FA). “Althaniq bribed the IFF and bought the rights to host! The IFF’s directors need to be held to account for its corruption in a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ court of law! Demand their extradition to the @@TYPE@@, and we could clean up football!”

2. “Are you kidding me?” shouts IFF head honcho @@RANDOMNAME@@, fidgeting with a conspicuously shiny new gold ring. “Althaniq presented to us the best bid! Even if they never hosted before, and have no stadiums, or training facilities, or football clubs... or footballs. Look, the point is that this is outside your jurisdiction. Keep out of our business dealings, and in return we’ll send a few political donations your way. You win, we win.”

3. “Who cares where the tournament is held?” asks @@NAME@@ team captain @@RANDOMNAME@@, dribbling all over your office carpet. “We’re going to represent our nation on the world stage, and we don’t want to disappoint our fans! There’ll be breathtaking goals, heroic tackles and lucrative sponsorship deals! Who cares about scandals? Just put some government money into our team to get us the best high-tech training facilities, and help us deliver what really matters — Global Cup victory!”

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#1178: No Need to Beat Yourself Up About It [Baggieland; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Now is the Holy Week of the religion of the Tranquility of Yellow. Seven days of divine celebration climax on the last day, when young men and boys self-flagellate in the streets in order to prove their devotion to their god. This display is always a bloody spectacle, and sometimes participants end up in hospital.

The Debate
1. “This is a horrid exhibition,” declares @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a young mother who had to dodge the self-flagellants as she brought her kids home from school. “How can this primitive horror show be permitted in our civilized society? At the end of the day, there’s so much blood in the street that it looks like a battlefield. Ban this frightful demonstration and force those Yellowite weirdos to pray nicely!”

2. “Yes, blood in the street never looks good,” concurs @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Chief of Police. “Foreign news agencies that aren’t friendly towards us always claim that the blood comes from @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ police brutality. Be that as it may, we can’t give them fuel to add to their fire. Tell these Yellowites that if they must flog themselves, do it inside their own homes — not on the streets!”

3. “If eternal damnation is what you seek, @@LEADER@@, then go ahead and ban it,” smugly declares Sebastian Sienna, a Yellowite priest, as his nurse tends to his many wounds. “The week of Holy Yellow has been observed for a thousand years, and the act of scourging ourselves en masse is the pinnacle of the week! We must be allowed to follow our religious ideals without hindrance: the commandments say that we need to be punished. In fact, it wouldn’t hurt if the government be more supportive of us flagellants: start portraying Holy Yellow in a more positive way, and let’s see some advertisements about the benefits of self-flagellation. Yes... just like that!” The priest screams in ecstasy as his nurse tends to a particularly deep wound.

*4. TBD [Corporal Punishment version of #5?]

5. “That’s not a bad idea,” muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, the principal of your niece’s school, who came to your office to discuss the best way to discipline your wayward niece. “Because we don’t allow the use of corporal punishment, our kids are out of control! Since teachers aren’t allowed to physically caution the children, we should make a law that forces kids to punish themselves: ‘Timmy, you didn’t do your homework — whip yourself for ten minutes’. It’s perfect!”

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#1179: Nothing Fishy [Ransium; ed: Ransium & Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Due to the recent popularity of Beards of Fishermen Magazine, @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have decided to buy their own offshore fishing boats in droves. Based on the number of fishing permit applications, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Fish and Game Department has suggested that dividing a reasonable quota equally between requesting boats would mean each would be allowed to catch no more than seventeen fish each year.

The Debate
1. “The problem is capitalism,” opines noted socialist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who also blamed a recent stubbed toe on capitalism. “The state must take over the fishing industry entirely. Then the optimal fleet size and optimal fish catch for each boat can be determined by the state yearly according to the fish populations. It would also mean we’d spend less on quota enforcement because any boat which wasn’t state-owned would be clearly illegal.”

2. “The problem is government interventionism,” states noted libertarian Eobard Shore, who also blamed a recent hangnail on the government. “Let’s end this socialism of the sea! The government must sell its ownership of offshore waters to private entities. It will then be the property owners’ responsibility to determine who fishes, how much, and how enforcement is done. Don’t worry about sustainability; it will be in the property owners’ interest to make sure fishing continues in the long term.”

3. “No, the problem here is these extreme positions,” notes @@RANDOMNAME@@, author of recent bestseller Fishanomics. “You just need to auction off a limited number of permits for a share of the total fish catch each year. The invisible hand of government-regulated capitalism will assure the optimal number of boats run only by the most efficient crew will do the fishing at the perfect permit price.”

4. “I have ah simplah solution than all that,” interjects @@RANDOMNAME@@, an eccentric, salt of the sea boat repairer. “The problem is that modern technology has made commercial fishin’ as easy as, well, shootin’ fish in ah barrel. Get rid of the quota system and instead force all fishin’ to be done with old fashioned methods, and sail boats, and folk wisdom. Those hipstah fishahmen won’t catch a thing and enforcement will be much cheapah than it evah was for any quota system.”
Last edited by Jutsa on Tue Mar 26, 2019 5:19 pm, edited 41 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1180: Death Doesn't Discriminate [Jutsa; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
The working population has become more difficult to sustain since many laborers have been selected for the rite of human sacrifice.

The Debate
*1. "Only the elderly must be sacrificed," claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, keeping vigil at @@HIS@@ grandfather’s deathbed. "Our elders have lived full lives and know the path to righteousness. Why not end their lives in a sacred way? They could rest in peace, and we’d no longer have to kill the working folk. It's an efficient and humane approach." [No Geronticide]

*2. "Only the elderly must be sacrificed," claims @@RANDOMNAME@@, preparing for @@HIS@@ grandfather's geronticidal death. "Our elders have lived full lives; I mean, we're going to kill them anyway. Why not end their lives in a sacred way? They could rest in peace, and we'd no longer have to kill the working folk. It's an efficient and humane approach." [Geronticide]

**3. "I'm sure the gods wouldn't appreciate withered, elderly sacrifices," argues 55-year-old professor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You should instead encourage parents to give their fatally sick or otherwise unwanted children to our cause. You should also let hospitals perform ritual abortions, while you're at it." [Abortion is illegal]

**4. "I'm sure the gods wouldn't appreciate withered, elderly sacrifices," argues 55-year-old professor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "You should instead encourage parents to give their fatally sick or otherwise unwanted children to our cause. We can even have ritual abortions in hospitals, while we're at it." [Abortion is legal]

5. "We don't need to sacrifice any @@DEMONYMNOUNPLURAL@@ when we could, ahem, 'capture' people from our neighboring countries," schemes Dr. Leo Cortisol, your underhanded Minister of Underhanded Solutions, who you don't recall hiring. "No one cares about them anyway. Everyone's gotta go some time!"

6. "It is not our place to say when a person must be killed," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, whose ancestors hail from the pious nation of Savoiia. "If our children or our elders were truly meant to die for a deity, then let the deity kill them, not us! This inhumane and unholy bloodshed must end, and all ritual sacrifice should be outlawed."

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#1181: Jolly Jousting Japes [Nuremgard; ed: Altmer Dominion]

The Issue
A motley group of sportsmen, equestrians, and medieval reenactment enthusiasts have petitioned the government to bring back the sport of jousting.

The Debate
1. “It’ll be awesome!” exclaims medieval scholar @@RANDOMNAME@@, pointing to a painting depicting the ancient sport. “Bringing back such a revered part of our past would invigorate our cultural life! That said, we’d need to do it the old-fashioned way — meaning a full commitment to lances, armour, and fine horses. What do you say? Let’s bring the past to life!”

2. “I think we need to jazz it up a little,” suggests popular daredevil @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ Knievel. “Instead of jousters using horses and lances, what if they instead play on motorbikes and sports cars? Participants can even use a variety of weapons, such as maces and axes! It’ll be bloody, but we’ll have so much fun!”

3. “This proposal gave me an interesting thought,” ponders your Treasury Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, admiring @@HIS@@ reflection in a polished shield. “Jousting could very well be a boon for the economy. We could even get the gambling industry in on it: let people place bets on jousting matches while we take a cut of the proceeds. I doubt event coordinators will have any problem filling stadiums with people who’d pay top dollar to experience this real-life, exciting sport!”

4. “Why are we only focusing on jousting?” asks posh aristocrat @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ cleans @@HIS@@ glasses. “Don’t you think times were simpler and better when everyone knew their place? There were benevolent lords in their manors, peasants merrily tilling the fields, even courtly jousts conducted by illustrious knights. Shouldn’t we do our part to make these traditional values a reality again?”

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#1182: Thanks, but No Thanks [Chan Island; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
In a world rife with refugees fleeing natural catastrophes, wars and tyranny, the good people of @@NAME@@ have generously opened their doors to allow asylum-seekers to come live in this fair land. However, in the past year only a single person has taken the nation up on this offer.

The Debate
1. “Well, no kidding,” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, the aforementioned sole immigrant, who looks emaciated with malnutrition. “This place is as poor as dirt and I almost feel tempted to brave the bombs again rather than another empty supermarket. You ought to invest a bit, fix the roads, use business subsidies to attract the biggest international industries. In the meantime, can you direct me to the nearest port? I’m going to try my luck in Brancaland.”

2. “The real problem isn’t our relative poverty,” explains your affronted Minister of Immigration. “It’s just that people don’t get what else we have to offer. You know why we have our borders open to those in need? Because we are a compassionate society — one that struggles to put food on the table, sure, but that’s a side effect of our moral priorities. I recommend we offer any refugees a welfare package and charitable aid for the journey. It’ll mean digging deeper in our own pockets, but we’re happy to go without if it shows the world that we care.”

3. “So refugees don’t want to come to our country?” asks Social Nationalist campaigner @@RANDOMNAME@@, grinning broadly. “Fantastic! If the way things are keeps foreigners out, then let’s make a point of keeping it that way. Put in measures to keep supermarket shelves understocked, and sabotage economic growth any way you can. We’ll stay poor, but at least we’ll stay pure.”

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#1183: Bloodied but Unbowed [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
You have come to your office this morning to find that your tea hasn’t been brewed, your meeting schedule hasn’t been laid out, and your plants haven’t been watered. There has been a delay in everything as your assistant, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@, has been slacking off work today because it is her ‘time of the month.’

The Debate
1. “I can’t take it any more @@LEADER@@!” wails @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@, plumping down on your chair in her pajamas — then taking a sip from her chamomile tea and rubbing her belly. “For some women like me, periods are too bloody painful to concentrate on work. All female employees should have a right to paid menstrual leave for up to five days every month. Period. This way, instead of writhing in pain in our workplaces with little to no productivity, we can go shop — err, I mean, take a warm, relaxing shower and rest.”

2. “Oh, cry me a river!” exclaims @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your misogynistic Minister of Finance, while rolling his eyes at @@RANDOMFEMALENAME_1@@. “Do you have any idea how much money these ‘menstrual vacations’ will cost our taxpayers? But no, these snivelling moaners find a new thing to whine about every day: they want breastfeeding breaks, employment quotas, and now this! Hey, my mother was a woman too, but she never complained about anything. When she was pregnant with me, she worked on our cotton field for 12 hours a day, even if it was her time of the month! Do away with this sex-based discrimination and abolish all special concessions to women. And tell this whimperer to take a painkiller — then get back to work!”

3. “How could you even suggest this?” enquires @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, your Minister of Chivalry, with a condescending smile on his face. “I think we are looking at the problem in the wrong way. Has it ever occurred to you that doing office drudgery may actually be too harsh and stressful for the frail bodies of the fair sex? I think there would be no need for menstrual leave if women were strongly encouraged to do easy and stress-free menial jobs, like basket-weaving or bead-threading. What do you think?”

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#1184: Wring Out Your Dead [Caracasus; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A fact finding mission into bollard placement in downtown @@CAPITAL@@ was cut short when your attention was drawn towards a fight between angry, grieving relatives and debt collectors. It appears a debt collection agency picketed a funeral, bellowing out the debts owed by the deceased via megaphone and attempting to collect the money owed from the bereaved relatives.

The Debate
1. “Monsters!” yells out distressed mourner @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ tries to squirm free from a debt collector’s grip. “These vultures were all over my oldest friend as @@HE_2@@ was dying in a hospital bed! There should be a law against this sort of thing! How can you justify hounding the terminally ill and the dead for money?”

2. “The deceased had debts totaling thirty-eight @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@, before interest and our late payment fees, of course,” states debt collector Jessica Quimby representing Hackett, Vulture and Hobbler. “We are within our rights to attempt to collect monies owed. If you were to simplify matters, perhaps by mandating that debts pass to the next of kin upon death, then we would not be forced to take these unusual and distressing measures.”

3. “They need their money back, right?” opts your Minister for Bollard Replacement. “It’s only, what, thirty @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ plus whatever she said about payment fees. Just let the government pick up the tab whenever someone with minor debt kicks the bucket, and can we please get on our way? These bollards aren’t going to inspect themselves!”

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#1185: Should Be Sufficient [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Embracing autarky has reduced access to Merovingian chocolate and Gallopavian flowers, but the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ economy has more or less survived the transition. However, in the distant tiny island nation of Copiluaca, economic activity was formerly almost entirely dependent on selling coffee to @@NAME@@, leaving them with crippling unemployment, tens of thousands in poverty, and an imminent famine.

The Debate
1. "How could we have done this to the poor Copiluacans?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Progress. "Without @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ flowing into their nation, they're falling apart! We need to go all-out and send them as much aid as we can. This is our mess, and our responsibility."

2. "If a nation can't survive on its own, then we're not doing it any favours by giving it charity," says your grumpy Defence Minister, pouring himself a bowl of cereal. "Autarky is a moral choice, borne of opposition to globalism. We should propagate that ideological position with a little tough love. We should blockade their ports and patrol their airspace to stop any remaining international trade getting in or out, and they'll be forced to self-sufficiency. Give a man fish and you feed him for a day. Force him to fish at gunpoint, and he'll fish like his life depends on it. Which it does."

*3. "What about Althaniq, and West Calypso, and Marche Blanche?" inquires novelty latex hat manufacturer @@RANDOMNAME@@, who used to export to all three nations. "That's a lot of nations not getting the benefit of essential, high-quality @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ products. Abandoning the global marketplace was a mistake — let a little free trade back into our lives!" [Must have private industry]

*4. "What about East Lebatuck, and Núi Và Sông, and Haptu?" inquires @@RANDOMNAME@@, State Director of the Novelty Latex Hat Assembly Factory, who used to export goods to all three nations. "That's a lot of comrades not getting the benefit of essential, high quality @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ products. Abandoning global economic activity was a mistake — let's rejoin the world community of planned economies!" [Must not have private industry]

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#1186: The Magic’s Gone [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: USS Monitor]

The Issue
The government’s stance endorsing the practice of magic and sorcery has always raised some eyebrows amongst world leaders. Now it seems that spells that ought to work are not giving repeatable results, and sometimes don’t seem to do anything at all. A cabal of five magi have come to advise you on the reasons for these sorcerous failings.

The Debate
1. “Magic ebbs and flows like the tide. Today, a spell fails — tomorrow, it succeeds beyond your expectations,” explains Magical Headmaster Godric Elminster. “If you encounter setbacks, you keep your chin up and march on. Have a little faith in the High Art, and in the powers of magic that exist invisibly all around us.”

2. “Hold on, maybe we need to be more active in looking for an answer,” suggests Arcanist Rowena Dresden. “If we want to cast spells, we’re going to need a source of magical power. I suggest we set up an agency to hunt down legendary artifacts and mythical creatures. If only we knew more about fabulous beasts and where to find them, I’m sure we could get our thaumaturgy flowing.”

3. “Look, the important thing here is not how much power you wield, but how much power you appear to wield,” suggests Salazar Constantine, a street wizard, lighting up a cigarette despite the No Smoking sign in clear view. “You need to make announcements that @@NAME@@’s magical puissance is growing on a daily basis, and arrange for a few large scale stage illusions to back up that lie. This will have practical benefits too: as the scepticism of the masses decreases, magic will flow back into the world, enabling true wizards like me to cast real spells for you. Honest truth, guv, would I lie to you?”

4. “Let’s not be afraid to name magic as a failed experiment,” offers ever-practical will-worker Helga Ged. “Look, we all wanted magic to be the solution to our problems, but when it comes down to it, hard work and elbow grease are what gets things done. Me, I’m putting down my wizard’s staff and taking up a fishing rod. It’s time we got back to basics.”

5. “Actually, my own spells have been working fine,” reports a smug little alchemist, who insists he must not be named. “Humankind cannot gain anything without first giving something in return. To obtain, something of equal value must be lost. That is alchemy’s first law of Equivalent Exchange. Make the necessary sacrifices and you’ll find that there’s magical power aplenty to be had.”

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#1187: Tipping Point [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
While glancing down at your doughnut receipt and trying to calculate percentages in your head, you are reminded that many service-industry employees rely on tips to supplement their income. Recently, analysts have suggested that it is the tips themselves that create the low baseline wages.

The Debate
1. “Look, us restaurateurs don’t like gratuity-based economics either,” complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, proprietor of trendy inner-city eatery The @@CAPITAL@@ Pyramid. “In fact, we trialed going tip-free and incorporating the costs of a decent salary into the bill. Do you know what happened? We lost customers! A higher visible menu price, and the loss of the diners’ feeling of power, meant patrons went elsewhere! The only way to fix this is government legislation, banning tipping and regulating the industry. A national approach will level the playing field, which will be good for workers, and good for our profits.”

2. “Hi, my name’s @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@ and I’m just tickled pink to be your coffee server today!” chirps a frankly stunning barista with a huge smile on her face as she hands you a perfect cappuccino with a marshmallow on top. “@@LEADER@@, I don’t get paid a lot, but I’m more than happy to do what I can to earn your tips! It’s a great motivation to keep me working hard to make you, my customer, super-duper happy! And if good-looking ethnic-majority twenty-something tight-trousered folk like me end up earning a bit more than most, well that’s the wonderful thing about the free market! @@SLOGAN@@!”

3. “There’s definitely something in what she’s saying,” suggests your brother, tossing a few small denomination coins onto the counter, to the barista’s disappointment. “Maybe we could all learn from that. I reckon it’d be good if politicians had a tiny baseline wage too, but were allowed to earn tips by pleasing the people. Or at least, by pleasing the people that are willing to show their appreciation with cold, hard cash.”

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#1188: The Only Good Criminal [Jutsa; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Following your endorsement of masked vigilante justice, costumed heroes have been waging war on the criminals of @@NAME@@. A few nights ago, the masked vigilante known only as Slasher tracked down the Hungry Hippo Gang, an infamous donut-counterfeiting ring. He delivered justice with extreme prejudice, killing the miscreants with his trademark long razors, and leaving the gang literally in pieces.

The Debate
1. “Now don’t get me wrong, I appreciate Slashy-washy was trying to serve the public good, but taking life is a line that a true hero can never cross,” explains family-friendly spandex-clad superhero The Rubber Waffle. “There’s an unspoken code of honour amongst vigilantes! Maybe though, an unspoken code isn’t doing the job, and what we need is a written set of rules governing vigilantes. For great justice!” The do-gooder turns to a nearby camera, and takes a swig from @@HIS@@ carton of Justice Milk™.

2. “I don’t see nothin’ wrong with what ole Slash is doin’,” mutters the claymore-wielding Crime-Cleaver. “Us vigilantes are scarin’ criminals senseless, I see no reason to view that as a bad thing. Besides, there’s no better way to stop a lifetime of crime than by stopping a scumbag’s heart! Heck, why not let vigilantes kill all the criminals? That’ll soon bring law and order to these mean streets.”

3. “I think the real crime here is those crazy costumes,” snickers one of your aides. “Actually, the real problem is the people in the costumes. It’s about time we put an end to this vigilantism experiment. Let’s have policemen handling crime again, delivering justice with a side order of common sense.”

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#1189: Driven to Distraction [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Last Friday, a heavy goods vehicle travelling at high speed ploughed into a stationary traffic queue, crushing a small hatchback and ending the lives of the mother and child within it. The twist in the tale? The driver was using his mobile phone, texting that he was running late. This isn’t the first tragedy caused by using a mobile phone while driving, but many are hoping that it can be the last.

The Debate
1. “I am father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife,” intones widower @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, his voice equally heavy with grief and rage. “I will have my vengeance. I will have justice. A vehicle is a deadly weapon, and driving it with that level of inattention is no different from shooting a gun into a crowd. This is murder, and should be treated as such.”

2. "Look, maybe we all know it’s not good to check our phones all the time,” suggests @@RANDOMFEMALEFIRSTNAME@@, a young government aide, her eyes flicking down to her jacket pocket in response to a message alert tone. “But, sad as these tragedies are, let’s not criminalise the population. Instead, launch a national safe driving campaign, and require the auto-industry to have hands-free mobile functionality as standard.” Her phone beeps again. “Uh... Do you mind if I check this...?”

[3]. “You don’t need the laws to be any stricter than before, you just need to crowd-source your law enforcement,” pitches Fones4Me CEO @@RANDOMNAME@@. “We’ve got plenty of free dashcam apps that people can download for their smartphones — all you need to do is publicly endorse their use, and perhaps offer financial assistance for those struggling to buy the latest mobile devices. Knowing they are being watched will make potential offenders drive more safely.” [Must have private industry]

4. "Look, using a phone while driving just takes a bit of common sense and restraint,” suggests auto mechanic @@RANDOMNAME@@. “It shouldn’t be a crime in itself. Way I see it, texting and driving is a bit like leaving off your seatbelt, or eating a burger on the move, or resting one eye at a time for a semi-nap on the motorway: you should be allowed to use your own judgement as to whether you can handle it or not, and face up to the consequences only if it goes wrong.”

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#1190: Dirty Laundry [The Sakhalinsk Empire; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
Notorious gangster Sal Hattone has finally been arrested for robbery and extortion. Unfortunately, upon further investigation, no traces of his supposed profits have been found. The only assets in Hattone’s possession were a few laundromat stores he invested in, which appear to have no connection to the stolen cash. The nation’s top legal experts and investigators have come to you with suggestions.

The Debate
1. “As you can clearly see, @@LEADER@@, my client has no connection to any of the alleged crimes he has been charged with,” says Hattone’s lawyer @@RANDOMNAME@@, wearing suspiciously clean clothes. “Obviously you cannot rob or extort someone without taking their money, and with no money to prove my client’s guilt, there cannot be any case of robbery or extortion, thus he is innocent. Please have these lawyers get out of my client’s hair, and his haberdashery collection.”

2. Public defender @@RANDOMNAME@@, clad in dirty garments, vociferously protests. “You can’t overlook Hattone’s investments! Surely he wasn’t rich, because if he was, he wouldn’t need to commit those crimes he absolutely committed. So where did the money for the investments come from? We need more authority to investigate these so-called laundromats, and every @@CURRENCY@@ that’s passed through their doors.”

3. “Both of those solutions are for the previous generation,” notes Microcosm CEO @@RANDOMAME@@, wearing a lightly-stained suit. “What we need is a digital currency, where you can track all payments. That way all this legal nonsense won’t happen, since you can’t really rob someone, and investments are visible for all to see.”

4. “You businesspeople can’t perceive the best solution,” says your aide @@RANDOMNAME@@, who’d rather wear nothing at all. “Just make the government own all of the laundromats and strictly regulate washing machines. That way, no criminals will dream of hiding their money there, and I can become the Minister of Lint like I always dreamed of.”

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#1191: Intelligent Design [Kylarnatia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Animal rights activists have petitioned the government to ban the selective breeding of pets to enhance certain characteristics, due to the genetic defects that this causes. After your office was inundated with letters filled with disturbing, yet adorable pet pictures, a meeting has been arranged to hopefully put the issue to sleep.

The Debate
1. A lone activist on all fours lets out a howl of despair in solidarity with her animal brethren before speaking. "Arthritis, skeletal deformation, and brain compression: these are just some of the terrible medical conditions caused by the public's desire for 'cute' pets. Features in breeds like the Maxtopian fold cat and the Lilliputian munchkin rabbit are getting more exaggerated, putting the animals' health in greater danger. The government should ban the continued breeding and sale of pets that have severe health conditions due to selective breeding."

2. "Rrrrgraf!" barks Mr. Fuzzykins, the darling Smalltopian hound of Z-list celebrity Berlin Chilton, who translates for her pooch. "Mr. Fuzzykins says that you shouldn't listen to this drama queen, and he wants everyone to know that it isn't at all a burden to him that he's always short of breath and small enough to live in a mini purse. It just makes him more adorable! Isn't that right, baby? Designer pets represent a person's right to choose, and these activists want to take that away. We should be encouraging and funding selective breeding so that we can create even much more cuter pets!"

3. "I agree with Ms. Chilton, but it's not just about choice — this is my livelihood!" whimpers the owner of a local pet shop. "I'm already tied up in knots by bureaucratic diktats that force me to spend my hard-earned @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ just to be issued licenses telling me what I can and can't sell and how many bodies I need to run the shop. The government needs to stop pandering to the feelings of those who want to ruin my business and relax the rules on poor pet shop owners like me. Oh, and can I get a genetic sample from that excellent dog?"

4. "@@LEADER@@, such animals present us with an interesting opportunity," proclaims your Junior Minister of War, snatching Mr. Fuzzykins from his irate owner. "This dog may not look like an awesome weapon of destruction now, but with some selective breeding and a lot of gene editing, we could have a whole battalion of elite canine warriors! We need to get ahead of countries like Dàguó — they've already created super muscular beagles with the help of genome engineering. With your approval, Mr. Fuzzykins here can become Death, the destroyer of worlds."

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#1192: Child's Play [The Free Joy State; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
When bored Brancalandian schoolchild Ingrid Silk was playing on her computer, she accidentally found her way into the @@NAME@@ Armed Forces Internal Database. While playing, she promoted a janitor to Admiral of the Fleet, sent the warmongering General Michael Barker to bombard the Skandilundian border with two dozen tanks and changed the military’s motto to ‘Ingrid Rulez 4eva’.

The Debate
1. “This little brat has cost us hundreds of manhours of work fixing all her mischief,” roars the hastily recalled General Barker as the Navy’s newest Admiral quietly mops the floor beside him. “We need to demand that wretched little monster be extradited here — to the country harmed by her shenanigans — to face punishment. A suitably punitive sentence should set the little villain straight!”

2. “We are heartily sorry that one of our citizens changed the Army’s uniform to tutus, wellington boots and visibility jackets,” says Brancalandian Home Secretary Sonequa Gray. “We understand the girl committed a crime and we’re willing to see that she gets an appropriate punishment, but extradition isn’t needed. Our Brancalandian Young Offenders’ Rehabilitative Centres will see to it that she learns the error of her ways. Also she’ll be taught the three ‘M’s: Mindfulness, Meditation, and Maplewood carving.”

3. “How can you be so heartless? She’s just a little girl!” cries the child’s mother Ms. Silk, over videolink, wringing out a dripping handkerchief. “She thought she was playing a war simulator, and didn’t realise that she was actually inside the government mainframe. Leave children to be disciplined by their parents. I’ll give her a good talking-to.”

4. “Punish her? We should thank her!” declares Captain @@RANDOMNAME@@, of the Cyber Crimes Division. “She managed to get past an encrypted system without even trying. If she can, Blackacre can. We should pay her to test our systems, and see how many flaws she can uncover.”

5. “Maybe we’re taking home the wrong lesson here,” timorously offers Admiral @@RANDOMNAME@@, putting@@HIS@@ mop down to address all assembled. “I don’t think I’d make a bad admiral, actually. Maybe senior military and government positions ought to be selected randomly as a matter of course. Sortition has a lot of advantages, you know — you’ll finally get to hear the voice of the working classes!”

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#1193: Relocating the Living Room [Baggieland; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
As your population has now reached @@POPULATION@@, there has been serious discussion about whether or not the current borders of @@NAME@@ are sufficient. Agricultural and industrial imports have been increasing to unsustainable levels, as former farmland and commercial areas are repurposed for urgent housing needs. Your top advisers have now come to you to address the subject of land appropriation.

The Debate
1. “Our current borders are not sufficient; the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ people need their lebensraum!” fumes General Xiaoping, as she gets right in your face, forcing you to rock back in your chair. “Let’s mobilise our armed forces and start claiming new domains. Then, we can repopulate these lands with our own good people. Let’s start with Ausonia; their army couldn’t outflank a sleeping horse. No doubt, they will thank us for it in the end!”

2. “I think a full-on invasion might turn out costly and embarrassing for us,” muses your Trade Minister, Tobias Duras, as he waves a banana at you menacingly. “The inhabitants of many countries were only armed with sharpened fruit 200 years ago, but now they all have a modern military and equipment to rival our own. Countries can get conquered via diplomacy, you know? Open diplomatic offices and trade branches in some of the ‘lesser developed’ nations, then create obscurely phrased treaties that gradually wear away their sovereign rights — that way we can still gain control of these places without the violence. But I agree, we should start with Ausonia.”

3. “Those ideas will irk the international community,” claims Bharatendu Longbottom, your Finance Minister, who has arrived late for the meeting carrying several hefty shopping bags. “Why not just buy ourselves more land? See what lands smaller and poorer nations are willing to sell to us, then buy them for our colonists. It will cost a bit to begin with, but the outlay involved will probably, I mean, eventually be offset by the productivity of the new lands. I quite fancy this hilly province of Ausonia, I could build my own farm there… let’s make them an offer!”

4. “What has Ausonia ever done to us?” enquires Gertie Shongwe, your Interior Minister, as she hangs a ‘Home, Sweet Home’ banner on your wall. “There are still some places in @@NAME@@ that have a bit of room, you know? We could bore out the mountains, dig under the desert, even drain the swamps. Just give our citizens a financial incentive to move into these uninhabitable… sorry… uninhabited regions, and there’s the extra living space we require! I’m not sure exactly what kinds of industry or agriculture could thrive in such conditions, and these people are going to need a decent healthcare plan, but life always finds a way, right?”

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#1194: Lost in Translation [Serilin; ed: USS Monitor]

The Issue
A young foreign exchange student was arrested in her language course a couple days ago when she accidentally said, “My friends and I are game for a shooting; we just need to figure out how to signal,” instead of, “My friends and I want to make a shooter game; we just need to learn how to code.” She was labeled a threat and is now facing deportation.

The Debate
1. “She is already failing my class,” says the girl’s instructor. “Why should she stay if she can’t communicate effectively? We ought to give everyone who enters the country a test that proves they can communicate with us! If they can’t get every question correct they should be forced to leave.”

2. The girl, now able to explain herself with the help of a police-appointed interpreter, says, “I apologize if I frightened anyone, as that was not my intention. I only wanted to share my interest in video games instead of repeating simple sentences about apples and cats. This never would have happened in the first place if your language wasn’t so confusing! Why not simplify it and cut down on the amount of words so that it’s easier for everyone to learn?”

3. “The real issue we should be talking about is the ham-fisted way this was handled by law-enforcement,” says the officer who was called to apprehend the girl. “I knew she wasn’t a threat, but I had orders! Individual police officers should be given more autonomy to decide how we do our jobs.”

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#1195: All Hands On Tap [Frieden-und Freudenland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Hoping to enjoy a quiet afternoon after a busy week full of Cabinet meetings, you are startled as Daenerys Bender, your Minister of Health, rushes into your office without even knocking on the door. She is flushed with indignation, and is obsessively rubbing her hands with an antibacterial wet wipe.

1. “Oh, this is a public health disaster, @@LEADER@@!” your Health Minister clamours, slipping on a pair of latex gloves before grasping your hands in supplication. “I was in the restroom just a moment ago, and what should I see there? A vile, vulgar villain who left the stall and strode straight out of the door without washing her hands! This is the third time this week I have seen this disgusting behaviour. We need a public health campaign to remind people to wash their hands properly after using the toilet!”

2. “Excuse me: a villain?” asks Morgan Enuv-Thyme, your secretary, brushing dandruff off your shoulder and blowing a raspberry at your Health Minister. “For your information, I am the villain that she complains about, and I did not wash my hands. So what? Everyone knows that door handles and money have more germs on them than a human bottom, yet nobody washes their hands after touching those. In fact, I think coming into contact with germs probably boosts our immune system, and running taps less is good for the environment. You should be actively promoting water-saving strategies, @@LEADER@@!”

3. "This potty talk is unacceptable!” interjects your aunt, who has come to your office unannounced to bring you brownies for your afternoon tea. “My little darling, we talked about this. Toilet business is private business, and we shouldn’t be getting involved. In fact, it’s just poor taste all around for public officials to talk about private functions. Let’s have some decorum in politics, please!”

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#1196: The Properties of Property [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A city patrician walking down a narrow street found his path blocked by a slave, who was carrying a large antique vase for @@HIS@@ master and refused to give way. The patrician struck the slave with his cane, which, thanks to the silver @@ANIMAL@@ head adorning its tip, killed the slave and caused the vase to smash on the ground. While the patrician has offered to pay for both destroyed properties, there are questions being raised over what constitutes proper behaviour by and towards slaves.

The Debate
1. "That @@BOY/GIRL@@ was precious to me!" rages the slave's master, shaking his soft-skinned fists in anger. "@@HE@@'s been in my family since Daddy got @@HIM@@ in lieu of an old business debt. Why, the idea of some callous son of a gun raising his hand to @@HIM@@ simply makes my blood boil burgundy! Nobody's got the right to beat a @@BOY/GIRL@@ except @@HIS@@ rightful owner! This should be treated as a case of murder, or at the very least, manslaughter."

2. "With respect to my fellow citizen and slave owner, this is ridiculous," complains the rotund patrician, taking a seat on the back of a wincing arthritic slave on all fours. "A slave is not a human. Rather, it is mere property, so what I did can't be murder. To be a slave is to be of a lower order of existence, owned by a master, but also in fetters to the state and to society as a whole. A slave should be compelled to obey and defer to every citizen in addition to its master, who still has ultimate authority over the slave, of course. Have the law codify the lowly status of the helot, and we can all proceed in a more civilised manner." He breaks wind noisily, to the discomfort of his human stool.

3. "I'm not going to suggest we abolish slavery," starts known abolitionist @@RANDOMNAME@@, "but maybe we could put in some sort of bill of rights recognising universal humanity and the protection of the law? Something like making sure that no slave can be forced to work against their will, and that financial compensation should be offered for all work, and that no man or woman may be the property of another. Not abolishing slavery, nothing so radical. Just giving slaves some basic freedoms, like the right to self-determination. That sounds reasonable, right? No-one could call that abolition!"

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#1197: Aflame with Indignity [Pogaria; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
To protest your government’s antagonism towards his religious beliefs, High Priest @@RANDOMMALENAME@@ of the Tranquility of Yellow sat down on a busy street corner this morning, doused himself with fuel, and set himself on fire.

The Debate
*1. “We have witnessed a martyrdom — but you are responsible for his death!” proclaims the jaundiced Brother @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, whose yellow robes give off the stench of sweat and desperation. “Our temples are being shut down. Our monasteries are looted and ransacked, while our people are beaten for speaking out against it. You must end this persecution of minority religions. We only want to practice our beliefs in peace.” [Enforced @@FAITH@@]

*2. “We have witnessed a martyrdom — but you are responsible for his death!” proclaims the jaundiced Brother @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, whose yellow robes give off the stench of sweat and desperation. “Our temples are being shut down. Our monasteries are looted and ransacked, while our people are beaten for speaking out against it. You must end this persecution of our faith, or of any other religions. We only want to practice our beliefs in peace.” [Atheist]

**3. “Dude! That dude just burned himself to death! He didn’t even move a muscle the whole time!” remarks witness @@RANDOMNAME@@, mouth still agape in shock. “If that’s the sort of thing that adherents of other religions do, maybe the government is right about not supporting their nonsense beliefs. We obviously need way more mental health support and suicide prevention funding to help these people.” [Enforced @@FAITH@@]

**4. “Dude! That dude just burned himself to death! He didn’t even move a muscle the whole time!” remarks witness @@RANDOMNAME@@, mouth still agape in shock. “If that’s the sort of thing that adherents of religions do, maybe the government is right about discouraging their nonsense beliefs. We obviously need way more mental health support and suicide prevention funding to help these people.” [Atheist]

***5. “Let them burn, and we shall clap our hands!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a fervent believer of @@FAITH@@. “If more Yellowists want to burn themselves, I’ll provide the matches. But it is clear that they will soon turn their rage outward. Suppressing their ‘religion’ was not enough; it has just incensed them! We must get the heathens before they get us. Now is the time to finally round up all of those who don’t believe the true faith and expel them from our great nation. It will be a new golden age for my... I mean, our religion!” [Enforced @@FAITH@@]

***6. “The religious nutters are barbecuing themselves now? Let them burn, and we shall clap our hands!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, a zealous atheist. “If more Yellowists want to burn themselves, I’ll provide the matches. But it is clear that they will soon turn their rage outward. Suppressing their religion was not enough; it has just incensed them! We must get the zealots before they get us. Now is the time to finally round up all of these lunatics and expel them from our great nation. It will be a new golden age for rational thought!” [Atheist]

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#1198: The Death Debate Isn’t Dead Yet [Zyris; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
After an investigative journalist broke a story about a widow who had kept her deceased husband’s body in her house for over a year, a debate has arisen on how soon a body should be buried after death.

The Debate
1. “This is a public health nightmare,” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Health Minister, while covering @@HIS@@ face with a perfumed handkerchief. “A body that isn’t cremated or buried poses serious health risks for the entire neighbourhood. We must require all bodies to be disposed of within a week. We can’t just keep grandpa in his favorite chair forever, can we?”

2. “Not so fast!” shouts rights advocate @@RANDOMNAME@@. “People have a right to mourn the loss of a loved one however they like, and it is none of the government’s business to regulate the grieving process. That lady was only keeping her beloved husband’s body in her living room while friends and family paid their respects — hey, he was a popular guy! The right to send off a loved one as per your beliefs should be held sacrosanct.”

3. “There has to be a solution here and I’m sure we can work it out,” declares George Starr, the owner of the largest beetle farm in @@NAME@@, as he places a beetlearium on your desk. “If the government could subsidize my enterprise, then the bereaved can have my beetles strip the flesh off of their loved ones, allowing them to keep the bones for as long as they like. No more health risks, no more nasty smells, no more government interference during this most personal of times.”

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#1199: Locked Down [Queen Yuno; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
Following the capture of suspected terrorist @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@, the @@NAME@@ Bureau of Investigation was stymied in its investigations by being unable to gain access to the suspect’s smartphone.

The Debate
1. “The data on this phone could be critical to saving lives from future terrorist attacks,” growls Bureau Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, staring at the locked-screen wallpaper on the phone, which shows the suspect raising his middle finger. “There may be contacts of other terrorists, bomb locations, secret plots, the works! The only thing standing in our way of beating those terrorist scum is that pesky passcode that Pear Inc. puts on their phones. Oh, and the retinal scan lock. And the fingerprint scan. The law should oblige people to unlock their phones when the police order them to, and smartphone manufacturers should be forced to put a government backdoor into their devices. National security is at risk!”

2. “We’ve spent decades protecting the privacy of our users by encrypting their data, and breaking that would be a massive breach of people’s right to privacy,” objects the CEO of Pear Inc. Steve Task, putting the finishing touches on a data-collection algorithm for targeted advertising. “The government can’t be trusted — you’ll be spying on whoever you want, even law-abiding citizens. In fact, a back door would make our devices more vulnerable to terrorists and hackers. Besides it’s a basic civil right for crime suspects to not be forced into self-incrimination by the state: you and the police should not be allowed to force Mr. @@RANDOMMALENAME_1@@ to unlock his phone.”

3. “The rights of terrorists are over-valued,” mutters Counter Terrorism Officer Jacqueline Bower, picking up a pair of pliers and a vial of acid. “Give me 24 hours with this creep, and I’ll not only have his phone unlocked, I’ll also make sure he’s told us everything he knows.”
Last edited by Jutsa on Thu Jun 27, 2019 6:34 am, edited 25 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
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Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

#1200: Choose Your God Wisely [Baggieland; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Leonard Messy, one of the greatest footballers to have ever played for West @@CAPITAL@@ Albion Football Club, is adored by fans and rivals alike. So much so that many enthusiasts of the game proclaim him as ‘God’. This verbal sacrilege has angered the believers of @@FAITH@@, who have come to you for help to end this blasphemous talk and to save @@NAME@@ from sin.

The Debate
*1. “How dare they proclaim a mere mortal as a god!” snarls believer @@RANDOMNAME@@, angrily pummelling your desk with @@HIS@@ fists, as puce-coloured veins throb in @@HIS@@ temples. “We need to teach them respect for the tenets of our religion: throw them in the cells and throw away the key.” [Must have prisons]

*2. “How dare they proclaim a mere mortal as a god!” snarls believer @@RANDOMNAME@@, angrily pummelling your desk with @@HIS@@ fists, as puce-coloured veins throb in @@HIS@@ temples. “We need to teach them respect for the tenets of our religion: build some jails, throw them in the cells and throw away the key.” [Must not have prisons]

3. “Messy is almost as handsome a specimen as me!” opines your vain assistant @@RANDOMMALEAME@@, checking his most recent hairstyle in a mirror. “Launch a campaign, encouraging everyone to spend time and money on their personal grooming. We’d all be so preoccupied with ourselves we wouldn’t notice, let alone worship, a false god.”

4. “This is too much trouble,” sighs your secretary, as she slouches across her desk, ignoring some documents marked ‘urgent’. “Let’s face reality here: Messy is adored as a god and any action you take won’t change that. Even after he retires from the game, he’ll still be revered. Just save your energy; go with the flow and accept Messy’s godlike... whatever.”

5. “Let’s use this to make some money,” grins well-dressed local minister @@RANDOMNAME@@, who owns an incredibly expensive house. “We should invite this Messy person to our houses of prayer. His popularity will double the attendances, then we pass around extra large donation bags. We’re going to make a fortune!”

6. “Messy and the Albion always win everything, while we languish at the bottom of the table,” pouts your brother, a fan of rival team @@CAPITAL@@ Wanderers F.C., as he weeps over last weekend’s results. “Get some thugs to break his legs; finally end his godlike status AND his playing career. Then my beloved Wanderers might win something!”

7. “Messy is sooo dreamy,” announces your niece, as she drools over a poster of him. “Who cares about football? I only care about his six-pack abs! Persuade Messy to focus more on modelling by offering him lucrative contracts to pose topless for roadside billboards. When people see his rippling muscles, they will not see him as a god, but as an Adonis!”

8. “Let’s end this sacrilege by enticing Messy with copious amounts of food,” scoffs your uncle, stuffing his face with the biscuits on your desk. “Provide the finest food at his hotel rooms and training facilities. He’ll soon turn into a portly specimen, won’t be able to play the game any more and then no one will call him ‘God’. Problem solved.” Letting out a huge belch, he snatches your plate of scones.

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#1201: Tell Me Sweet Little Lies [Kurnugia; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
Your Chief Milk Officer recently confessed to the heinous crime of leaking the location of the strategic chocolate reserve. The guilty verdict for the Chief Confectioner, once thought to be the perpetrator, has been overturned, and he is now free and back in your services. Over the course of the night's dessert, the confectioner's first since returning, you notice that he might have something to say when a large cake covered with piped lettering is brought out and set in front of you.

The Debate
1. The cake reads: "Remember when I was arrested and they made me take that lie detector test? Well, I have a fear of yes-or-no questions, so I failed. Polygraph tests are a bad way to investigate a suspect. They don't account for sweaty and anxious people. I shudder to think how others with a worse condition than mine can cope with this barbaric practice. Polygraph tests should not be allowed as admissible evidence in any legal proceeding, or no more treats for you!"

2. "This is a bunch of horse dung!" exclaims your Minister of Justice, gulping down a big piece of your cake. "Delicious! Despite the occasional outlier, like this situation, the polygraph reliably measures the indicators of a lie being told. It generally works. And just between us, assuming it is hogwash, it still would make perpetrators nervous and more likely to confess. If anything, make them the norm during interrogations."

3. "Oh come on! Next, you're going to use a crystal ball in our criminal investigations," jokes your Science Minister, dissolving the cake in an acid solution. "What we need to do is modernize our means of interrogation. With our advances in neurology, we may be able to develop a chip that measures the neural activity of its subject, giving us the ability to accurately determine if someone's telling the truth. Give us the funding, and be ready for a safer @@NAME@@!"

4. "Bah!" utters an old @@CAPITAL@@ police officer, who is on a diet. "If you ask me, these fancy gadgets are making the police too soft. Back in the good ol' days, we had a more hands-on approach and believe me, nothing brings honesty out of a liar better than some good old beatings."

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#1202: A Timely Intervention [The New California Republic; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
You and your cabinet are on a tour of the nearby @@NAME@@ Watch Factory, which has long been famous throughout all of @@REGION@@. The poor state of the factory — and its rapidly declining sales figures, carelessly left on the manager's desk — are clear for all to see. Shuffling by your side, the manager sighs: "@@LEADER@@, we've had some tough years here. But we don't know what to do to bring the good days back."

The Debate
1. "The issue here is competition from emerging technology," proffers your Minister of Science and Technology Dr. Jonathan Osterman, shaking his head at the sight of a dusty lathe. "These watches are outdated compared to the latest iPear models. We need a nuclear option to adjust the balance. Atomic clocks are well known for their accuracy, so what if we started producing atomic watches? The watches may be slightly bulkier than we're used to and our watchmakers will need some training in the correct handling of caesium, but with a little government funding and innovation in compact atomic design, our watch market will explode... erm, figure of speech."

2. "The solution is moving back in time, not forwards," muses your Minister of Culture @@RANDOMNAME@@. "Mechanical watches from Smalltopia are still very popular. They have 27 rubies throughout the movement. Rubies! They put jewels in their watches! Go back to the timekeeping of yesteryear, and cater to the luxury watch market. My Ministry will organize an annual @@REGION@@ Luxury Watch Expo to promote the watches on the international stage! Sure, mechanical watches aren't as accurate, and they will be more expensive, but to own a timeless piece of reproduction horological history? Truly priceless."

3. "Atoms? Jewels? Those watches would never survive a hard day's work," bemoans your Minister of Labor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "If a watch can't survive being hit by a hammer or cut by a sickle, then it is useless in the workplace. Focus on the mass production of cheap and indestructible watches, to equip the international proletariat with the tools they need to keep running on the same beat. It will take generous government subsidies to allow the factory to cater to a larger market, but all the workers of @@REGION@@ will thank you."

[4]. "The hour is at hand! This is the time of Violet!" shouts Violetist priest Ksenya Singh through an open window. "The time spent watching these evil little machinations would be better spent praising the almighty Violet! We must rid ourselves of this factory of evil, seeking and burning all its offspring; wherever it may hide in our land! Violet demands that the government ban and destroy every horological horror, for — as is written in the texts — there is no reason or rhyme, no meaning or time but by Violet's dread love!" The priest tries to light a match but is dragged away by your bodyguards. [Violetism is legal]

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#1203: The Fandom Menace [Chrimbus; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
The cultural masterpieces of @@NAME@@, such as interpretive dance, improv troupes, and radio plays, are acclaimed across @@REGION@@. However, some people have written fictional stories involving the creators and stars of these works in situations that cannot be talked about in family-friendly briefings.

The Debate
1. “I think this whole debate is just silly!” comments Doug Stallone, taking a break from revising the latest chapter of @@LEADER@@/Reader: Tales from a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Restaurant. “No one is being harmed in the making of these stories. Everyone knows that this is all just harmless fiction. Now tell me, what do you usually order on a first date?”

2. “Harmless fiction? I’ve had to end three friendships this week because these freaks couldn’t stop writing me in sexual situations with anyone I’ve so much as looked at!” screams @@RANDOMNAME@@, the lead singer of a popular @@NAMEINITIALS@@-Pop group. “I say you ban any works of fiction involving real people, and then maybe I’ll be able to talk to my fans again.”

3. “The problem here is that works involving real people aren’t subject to copyright,” argues @@RANDOMNAME@@, owner of @@CAPITAL@@ Pictures. “If we could copyright people, we could sue these writers into oblivion before they could type up the first sentence of their drivel. And if celebrities could sell their copyrights to businesses, would that be such a bad thing?”

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#1204: Homecoming Queen [GeodesicDragon; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ ran away from home when she was 15 to join the Ultra-Violetists, an international, religious, militant organisation that aims to forge a state ruled under Violetist law. Now, four years later, she wants to come back to @@NAME@@, claiming to have served in only noncombatant roles. The so-called “Terrorist Princess” is heavy with child and nearly due, and is now living in a refugee camp in Bigtopia.

The Debate
1. “Oh my silly lost girl, where did she get her ideas? She didn’t kill anyone during her escapades, so surely that should count for something,” pleads the girl’s father, a Violetist cleric. “She wasn’t even an adult at the time, so she should be excused for her actions and be allowed to return home to have her child. Our family will take care of her and the baby, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.”

2. “She made the decision to betray our glorious @@TYPE@@ in order to join up with those Violetist lunatics!” bellows your Minister for Homeland Security. “No matter the girl’s claims about being a noncombatant, she still served the enemy! But if she wants to come back, then fine! Have her extradited, then throw her in solitary confinement for the rest of her miserable life! The child we’ll take away to raise in a patriotic environment free from sick terrorist ideals!”

3. “Take her out,” whispers your Minister for Alternative Solutions. “And I don’t mean to a nice restaurant. Violetist extremists have caused so many deaths, so why waste this opportunity for justice? I don’t believe she was noncombatant for a second. These Violetist animals wouldn’t show any mercy to us, so we shouldn’t show any to them. She and her larva deserve to die — this is war!”

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#1205: Heir Today, Gone Tomorrow [Luna Amore; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
The heir to the throne, known for dangerous and spontaneous adventuring, has gone missing on a recent attempt to circumnavigate the globe.

The Debate
1. “Oh dear, oh no. Don’t panic. I said, don’t panic!” yelps Dirk Vajiralongkorn, clutching a map of the South Pacific. “We need search parties. Lots of them. Scour each state. Search the roads. Sweep the skies. Send out dolphins with cameras strapped to their head! The works! We’re in a national crisis every minute we’re heir-less!”

2. Sitting in an armchair wearing an insufferably smug look, one of your advisors drains their glass, “In the future, I trust you’ll heed my advice. I warned you against demolishing tradition and opening up our succession to both sexes. We have an heir unapparent, flighty and impulsive, emotional and argumentative — as we should have expected — who’s gone and disappeared trying to prove god-knows-what to god-knows-who! Assuming a rescue mission is successful, we’ll still be in a national crisis solely based on who we’re rescuing. No, that simply will not do, @@LEADER@@. Absolute primogeniture was an experiment. A failed one. It’s time to correct that mistake and return the throne to the rightful sex.”

3. “How unfortunate,” drawls your Minister of Happenstance @@RANDOMNAME@@, while leafing through a report on your desk. “But those who play with fire can’t be shocked when they get burned. Thankfully, I have an easy solution for you. I’m quite sure we can find another royal: one who is more responsible, less rambunctious, more malleable. The necessary paperwork and documentation can be found. I’m sure it will transpire that our missing heir wasn’t actually first in line to the throne. Yes, I’m sure this will be better for the monarchy in the long run. Shame about our dearly departed, but @@NAME@@ must come first.”

4. “There’s a silver lining in every tragedy,” begins network executive Pablo Kapoor. “Picture this: a prime-time TV extravaganza contest to find the next heir of @@NAME@@. We could have auditions and a weekly elimination. There’d be drama and intrigue with everyone waiting on the edge of their seats to see who will be their next, people’s heir. Oh, don’t worry, we’d decide on a suitable and likeable winner in advance. But the spectacle of it all would be grand. And profitable.”

5. “One louse goes missing and the whole country’s gone topsy-turvy!” exclaims a mud-encrusted peasant hanging through your office window. “Have you actually read up on the history of the concept of monarchy? Like this one: some guy claims divinity based on a ridiculous tale of an @@ANIMAL@@ in a lake giving him a sword. Does @@NAME@@ really want anything to do with systems built on myth and legend? Come on! You can’t base a system of government on strange @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ lying in lakes, distributing swords. You must return the power to the people!”

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#1206: Gross Domestic Product [The Marsupial Illuminati; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
The nation’s largest river is vital to @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ for agricultural irrigation, goods transport and water for both industrial and consumption purposes. However, rising pollution has now rendered the water unfit for human consumption and the river has become nearly unnavigable due to the sheer volume of waste choking it. The final straw for many came when a flaming deluge of feces, trash, and toxic chemicals engulfed riverside areas in downtown @@CAPITAL@@.

The Debate
1. “Look, I’m no hippy environmentalist, but this level of pollution is starting to cause real problems for our economy and our health,” moans farmer Adele Burton after retching in her hazmat suit. “You have to ban factories from dumping waste in the river, and invest in better outflow management to protect our waterways.”

2. “We can’t slow down industrial development because we’re averse to slightly brown water,” asserts engineer Cooper Henderson. “Instead, we should just dredge the river to remove trash and debris, and create wide concrete-lined channels to let the water flow out to sea faster. Remove dams, divert water from other sources, and we can increase river flow and dilute the problem. Hard engineering for hard ecological problems. It’s not hard.”

3. “The waters are a gift from the divine,” sensually sighs the Priestess of the Wet God, eagerly slurping the river water as she bathes in it. “This Holy River is always pure and rejuvenating, no matter what mere men may think or fear. The dizziness we feel from inhaling the fumes that rise from the sacred waters is the spiritual ecstasy of communion. The government should inform the people of the great and healthful powers of His Watery Glory’s blessed flow, and indeed bottle the water and deliver it to people across the nation. Nobody should be afraid to take a sip, or a large gulp!”

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#1207: Next, Please! [Candlewhisper Archive; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
A recent two-part patriotic public information video was produced by the Department of Audiovisual Military National Documents and, as is usual for projects of this sort, went straight to the archives with barely a dozen viewings. However, an observant former movie director has spotted that the second film of the pair technically breaks the previously enacted law banning movie sequels.

The Debate
1. “After the Sharknado fiasco, our government’s heavy-handed regulation of cinema essentially destroyed the movie industry,” complains Mikaela Bay, the ex-director, as behind her a spectacular sunset provides a backdrop to the explosive demolition of her bankrupted movie studio. “You’ve created a populace disconnected from global pop culture. Do Luke and Leia ever marry? Do Harry and Draco acknowledge their simmering sexual chemistry? I don’t know! Nobody in @@NAME@@ knows! Repeal the ban on movie sequels, and we can get back into the modern world.”

2. “Look, it might be a small restriction on creative freedom, but it is the boundaries of creativity that encourage imagination,” offers Miya Hayaozaki, an independent arthouse animator, whose latest project Pig in a Flying Boat has just been greenlit. “You owe it to @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ culture to stand by the rules you have created: fire the offending film-maker, destroy all copies of the two-parter, and pay the fines.”

3. “@@LEADER@@, I broke the rules,” admits the creator of the offending information video, wringing his hands remorsefully. “But look, rules like these shouldn’t apply to the government, should they? Laws are for the citizen masses, not for the lawmakers. If anyone should be punished, it’s the dissidents who are seeking to undermine government authority with their nit-picking ways. Subversives in the movie-making community need to be monitored, perhaps even brought in to have their loyalties re-examined.”

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#1208: Just Snoring With Excitement [Midand; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
After having to poke your nephew with a stick to wake him up, you are beset by a chorus of health experts and disgruntled teenagers complaining about the wave of adolescent insomnia gripping the nation.

The Debate
1. Drowsy high-schooler @@RANDOMNAME@@ jolts awake after finding a microphone in @@HIS@@ face. "Dude, this is, like," @@HE@@ pauses to yawn. "Terrible. The school day is starting earlier and earlier, and that's making us lose our precious sleep, man! If you, like, forced schools to start later we could all get our sleep and, like, be more attentive in class."

[2]. Teenager @@RANDOMNAME@@ glances up from @@HIS@@ multiple laptops to weigh in. "Physical schools are obsolete these days. What we need are virtual schools that students can access around the clock! It'll let us go at our own pace without sacrificing our sleep." [Must have internet]

3. "Kids these days will complain about anything!" hollers @@RANDOMNAME@@, your reluctant Minister for Education. "Let's require that all @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ schoolchildren attend state-run boarding schools. They'll sleep when we tell them to sleep, and not a moment later! Parents might not like it, but think of all the @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ they'll save on snacks."

4. "Hi hi!" Your precocious young niece runs around your office. "How about big boys and girls and grownups have nap time? Nap time was so fun, I miss it! Everyone should have nap time!"

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#1209: Your Island Is My Island [The United Lands of Ash; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
The local inhabitants in one of the far-flung colonies of @@NAME@@ have been protesting about the occupation and their calls for independence have been growing louder. Your secretary has suggested that you take a vacation to this land in the hope that you can resolve this dispute and enjoy some ‘me-time’ in between mediation.

The Debate
1. “You cannot allow this occupation to continue!” cries native activist Dixie Wonka over the chanting locals. “Our island was illegally seized by your government. Your military continues to fire shells on practice ranges on our land and deny us access to sacred sites in the name of ‘national defense’! Not only that, but also native @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ are moving into homes over here and forcing us off our ancestral domains. So please, @@LEADER@@, leave this island and restore our once proud kingdom.”

2. “What do these savages know about running a country?” asks Rear Admiral Duras, as military police in pith hats push the crowd back. “When we annexed this island, it was nothing but a rock in the sea getting by on fish and fruit. We have brought civilization and protection to these people! Plus, don’t forget that this island is paramount in securing our control of the surrounding seas — are the concerns of a few rowdy locals worth endangering the safety of our families back home? Increase the military presence here, so when the locals call us ‘Boss’... they mean it!”

3. “Now, now, what’s happened has happened,” chimes in Governor Locke. “However, we do have to consider everyone’s feelings. Families from the mainland now live here and, without government support, this island would struggle to keep basic services running. Instead, you could just give more autonomy to this place, and other territories like it. The military can stay, but we should be able to pass our own laws that also reflect the needs of the local people.”

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#1210: Big Tobacco in Big Trouble [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
For the third time this year, a group of cancer survivors and bereaved family members have come forward with a class action lawsuit against big tobacco companies in @@NAME@@. Their claims are that the tobacco industry knowingly produced products that are harmful to the public’s health, and they are demanding compensation.

The Debate
1. “Do these tobacco companies have no shame?” cries @@RANDOMNAME@@, holding up a picture of @@HIS@@ father who died from lung cancer. “These people willingly promote and distribute products that cause cancer and many other illnesses. We’re simply taking action against these corporate murderers. They must pay out compensation to claimants or their estates and you must make sure that the law makes corporations responsible for the dangerous goods they produce. Don’t let my father’s death be in vain!”

2. “These lawsuits are destroying the industry!” wails @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of tobacco giant Maxboro, displaying stained yellowed teeth, and tugging at hair that falls in clumps to the floor. “It’s not our fault if people willingly purchase our products and enjoy the smooth, refreshing taste of a fine Maxboro. They chose to put the cigarettes in their mouth, they lit them up! Why should tobacco companies be fined because some idiots didn’t read the labels? I’m getting tired of this damn government telling us it’s our fault what people do with their bodies. Today it’s smoking; tomorrow it’s anything else the government deems bad for you. This madness must end! Down with the nanny state!”

3. “Maybe we can reach some sort of arrangement,” suggests legislator @@RANDOMNAME@@. “What we need is some sort of settlement agreement, where the big tobacco companies agree to curtail some of their more aggressive marketing strategies and to pay the government in perpetuity a negotiated annual sum to offset the costs of healthcare and to fund anti-smoking initiatives. In return, we’ll agree not to support or allow class action lawsuits of this nature. Industry gets to carry on, but they’re held responsible for the damage they’ve done. Everybody wins.”

4. “We wouldn’t be having this discussion if we had banned smoking in the first place,” argues your Health Minister. “Did you know that smoking is the second largest risk factor for death and disability globally? Health care costs are skyrocketing, and smoking-related morbidity accounts for billions of hours of lost productivity annually! Any idiot can see the incredible dangers of smoking. It is in the public’s best interest to ban tobacco completely. We can live without smoking. We can’t live without breathing.”

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#1211: Free Credit Reports With Monitoring [Japanese Schoolgirls; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
After Dàguó implemented a "social credit" system, in which the good and bad deeds of citizens affect a score which determines various rewards and punishments from the government, politicians are pondering the plausibility of using such a system that rates your citizens based on their actions.

The Debate
1. "I think having a social credits system is great!" gushes one of your political aides, coming into your office looking distressed. "For example, I would give the cab ride that got me here only 3 stars out of 5. When there are clear incentives and negative consequences for people's actions, everyone will behave and treat one another better. We can have an information collector in every neighbourhood to see who's been naughty and nice, and give those with high scores rewards like higher priority in hospital queues."

2. "This goes beyond opening doors and saying grace!" barks local philosopher @@RANDOMNAME@@, barging into your office and slamming the door shut, breaking the doorknob. "People make mistakes all the time! Don't tell me you're gonna start punishing those your system deems bad citizens just because they accidentally dumped their rubbish in the street. I'm not saying I accidentally littered... and the information collectors can be bribed! And we should not let the government encroach on our liberties by punishing people for actions that are not crimes. Just forget this idea right now and don't punish me for breaking your doorknob, okay?"

3. "Why implement a system that rates your citizens when you can have the citizens rate the government instead?" whispers a mysterious stranger as retro music begins to play. "That way, the old, drab officials in their drab suits can just be fired by you and replaced with more qualified people with more street cred."

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#1212: Lost at Sea [The Super Fork; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
Years have passed since the failed search for the missing yacht Adventurer, which was reported lost with all hands, came to an end. Now it has finally been found, locked in pack ice in the ocean around Northern Brancaland. Nautical enthusiasts are asking how to prevent this from happening again.

The Debate
1. “Obviously, we need to have all recreational vessels create and submit a travel plan to my office before they leave port,” suggests your Maritime Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as he places a map of coastal @@NAME@@ on your desk. “If they transmit a distress call, we’ll send out rescue teams to search for them. They would have to pay a small fee to cover expenses, but it will be worth it for everyone’s safety.”

2. “Then we could spend hours looking for them,” sarcastically remarks your Technology Minister, @@RANDOMNAME@@, as @@HE@@ rips up the map and replaces it with a new globe. “Equip every vessel with radar and the latest GPS systems. We’ll monitor them from new tracking stations built all along the coastline, then we can send out rescue teams directly to them. The Coast Guard has been underfunded for years, I’m sure they would appreciate all these fancy new toys.”

3. “Everyone knows that you’ll reach the Great Ice Wall if you sail too far!” exclaims fervent flat-earther, @@RANDOMNAME@@, while trying to flatten your new globe with a rolling pin. “It would be too much hassle either way to track all these boats, especially when the solution is obvious: ban all recreational boating! If no one sails, no one will get trapped in ice.”

4. “Avast! Ye government knaves have no right to dictate where me and me hearties travel!” shouts suspected pirate, Edward Teach, as he barges into your office and impales the remains of your globe with his cutlass. “The @@ANIMAL@@’s Revenge shall sail wherever she pleases! Ye landlubbing government scallywags must get rid of all restrictions on freedom of navigation in your territorial waters, or you’ll be walking the plank!”

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#1213: The War of Man and Beast [Jutsa; ed: Zwangzug]

The Issue
Though mandatory vegetarianism has been adopted by the enlightened people of @@NAME@@, most of the world remains immorally omnivorous, ruffling the feathers of many a @@DEMONYM@@.

The Debate
1. “We need to beat these heartless murderers into submission,” declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, your slightly zealous environmental minister, invading a neighboring nation on a map with a ceramic cow. “We’ll put trade sanctions on the worst offenders, and form an alliance with our vegetarian brethren, such as... um... you know, whoever we find. Now’s not the time to be chicken; we have to teach these cow-murdering wastelands some compassion!” @@HE@@ shatters the cow upon slamming it into Marche Noire.

2. “Whoa there! I think you’re putting the cart before the @@ANIMAL@@,” farmer Old McDolan suggests, after showing your secretary a selection of no-longer-profitable sheep. “Why not promote animal rights worldwide by being a bit more symbolic? You could maybe wear a broccoli pin, or even purchase one of these here lambkins and bring ‘em to your summits once in a while. Maybe even dress up like a victimized farm animal, if you really want to send a message.”

[3]. “It’d be easier to just bombard other nations with grotesque images and videos of animals living in rancid conditions until they’re brutally murdered,” suggests a teenage internet troll over a video chat, showing you the avant-garde filmclip Slaughterhouse Fifty. “It’d be a lot of fun, and if you’d pay me and my friends for it, we could bug everyone til the cows come home!” [Must have internet]

4. “Come on, that’s hardly fair,” declares Colonel Dander, CEO of United Federation chain Colonel Dander’s Sheep-Fry, licking his fingers suggestively. “Yer beef with animal products is not only denyin’ us business in @@NAME@@, but also denyin’ yer folks the savory taste of a Dandy Dander Deluxe Double-Duty Fried Mutton Burger. Tell ya what. If you legalize meat eatin’, I’ll give ya all the free meals you want, courtesy of Colonel Dander.”

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#1214: Blood Type: Gay Positive [Endraas; ed: Sanctaria]

The Issue
Hamlet Dlamini, a young man prevented from donating much-needed blood because of his sexuality, has been on a media blitz after popular queer magazine Out! picked up and disseminated the story. With the newscycle being dominated by the topic, your inundated press office has requested you come to a decision on what to do. In that vein, you’ve called all parties to the case to your office.

The Debate
1. “I know this may seem discriminatory, but it’s for very good reasons,” begins hematologist Dr. Adele Acula. “Statistics show that men who have sex with men have a much higher chance of being infected with diseases which can’t be immediately detected or treated — like VODAIS, for example. Allowing them to donate blood would pose the risk of infecting innocent people who need blood transfusions. We must protect the blood supply and forbid men who have sex with men from donating blood. As a scientist, I absolutely insist.”

2. TBD

3. “This is simply outrageous!” Dlamini stresses loudly. “Banning gay people from donating blood because of some outdated statistics is just an excuse to keep a homophobic hangover from another time. The vast majority of people who donate blood, gay or straight, are free from infection. These doctors are worried about infection but straight people can have infected blood too! VODAIS is no longer a gay disease. You need the blood; we have the blood. Instead of banning certain groups from donating, how about you spend more money on developing more advanced methods of detecting infected blood quicker?”

4. “As always, no-one sees the obvious solution,” says Cornelius Schmo, your Health Minister. “We should allow gay men to donate blood but, to keep the risk of infection low, mandate that gay men who want to donate blood go through monthly medical checks to make sure they’re ‘clean’. That way no-one gets infected, while gay people can donate. Everyone is happy!”

5. “But the LORD sayeth YOU SHALLETH NOT prick the finger of THE GAYETH because you might becometh GAYETH yourself. Eth!” shouts Cooper Archer, representative of some faith groups within @@NAME@@. “The gays want to donate blood to infect everyone with their gayness! Don’t let that happen, @@LEADER@@. Not only do we need to ban gays from giving blood, we need to ban them, PERIOD! For the people. DO ITETH in the name of the LORDETH!”

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#1215: A New Age [Baggieland; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
57-year-old Elsa Gilbreth has petitioned the government to legally allow her to change her age to 40.
The Debate

The Debate
1. “My body is a temple,” states Gilbreth, frowning over her current life insurance policy. “I have taken excellent care of my health all my life, and although I am considered 57 by the establishment’s calendar, I feel — and look — no more than 40. Being 57 is the bane of my life; I can’t get a new job as employers think I only have a couple of years left in me, and I never get any replies from my dating profile! People can change their identity in many ways. Why not their age as well?”

2. “Is she for real?” questions John Mistletoe, your 45-year-old adviser, who feels and looks 45 years old. “This woman is just an attention-seeker. No one can deny the passage of time, no matter how many vitamin smoothies they drink. While we’re on this subject, you should be spending more government money on a database to record every detail of people’s identities, and make it a matter of serious fraud to mislead anyone as to your true age.”

3. Suddenly, your door bursts open and in runs your six-year-old nephew. “Grrrr, I want to be a dinosaur! Mum says that you can legally make me a dinosaur, and my sister wants to be a unicorn. Please, please, please, please, please!”

[4]. "I can't help but wonder if @@RANDOMNAME_1@@'s motivation is simply survival," observes your Minister for Population Control. "Maybe if we were to undo our policy of executing the elderly, then we wouldn't be dealing with this nonsense. And then, I could go back to the Ministry of Fisheries. I like fisheries. Fresher air. Easier to sleep at night. Less screaming." The minister sighs and returns to @@HIS@@ paperwork. [[co

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#1216: Not My Government [Nation of Quebec; ed: Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
In an attempt to blindside and bypass your government, the Opposition Leader recently visited and met with the Supreme Leader of Blackacre, claiming to represent the “unheard pro-Blackacrean voices of Furry Things”.

The Debate
1. “TREASON!” roars your red-faced Minister of Foreign Affairs, flinging a handful of @@HIS@@ stress medication across the room. “How dare @@HE_1@@ undermine the democratically elected government of @@NAME@@ and embarrass us on the international stage! Doesn’t @@HE_1@@ realize how much damage @@HE_1@@’s doing to our national credibility? The sheer nerve! We need to denounce this action, and threaten trade sanctions with any nation that receives @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ politicians without your government’s approval. We can’t have them and their ‘government fantasy camp’ making this mess of international politics even worse.”

2. “If this government wasn’t such a failure in foreign relations, we wouldn’t have to step into the breach,” counters Opposition Leader @@RANDOMNAME_1@@, literally stepping out of your shadow. “You should be respecting our right to offer alternative opinions. The more, the merrier, right? In fact, democracy demands that taxpayer money ought to be paying for my party’s overseas diplomacy, just as it does for yours. We all have different ideas on how @@NAME@@ can succeed on the international stage — why not let our voices be heard?”

3. “Perhaps a compromise?” suggests your Minister of Trust Falls and Team Building. “It’s obvious that both sides of the aisle have skilled and experienced people in their teams. Why not put partisanship and politics aside for the betterment of @@NAME@@, and have the Opposition Leader accompany you every time you go overseas? That way, you still control who we approach as a nation, but she gets to contribute to the narrative. This country is far too divided and I think seeing politicians coming together sends a great message. This will help heal wounds and bring people together!”

4. “Foreign Affairs? Bah!” pouts staunch isolationist @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is sitting alone in the corner of your office. “We’re already too entangled with the economics and politics of other countries. If you ask me, we should be closing the borders to all trade, travel, immigration and emigration. @@NAME@@ is better off alone.”

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#1217: Monkey Business [Nation of Quebec; ed: Baggieland]

The Issue
The legal world is in turmoil following the murder of zoo-keeper, Earl Gray. The only witness to this crime is the victim’s prized charge, Maxx the lowland gorilla. Maxx has repeatedly communicated the victim’s final words and identified the murderer via sign-language. Top legal experts are debating whether or not animals should be allowed to testify.

The Debate
1, “Of course the gorilla should be allowed to testify,” demands Phil Hutz, the lawyer for the prosecution, who has lost every single case, yet still receives business. “Maxx has not only identified the murderer, but also how his keeper was murdered. His testimony must absolutely be considered and if you ask me, the trial is as good as done.”

2, “This is ridiculous!” scoffs sharply-dressed Kendra Mulder, the most expensive defence lawyer in @@NAME@@, who has never lost a case. “For Violet’s sake, this witness is an animal, not a person! It is a mockery of justice to convict the accused based on the signals of a gorilla — which, may I remind you, could have easily been trained! Frankly, I can’t believe that we’re wasting our time debating this nonsense.”

3, “Ah, but what if the gorilla is the murderer?” deduces prominent mystery author Edgar Doyle, while dusting your coffee cup for prints. “The police have stated that the victim recently changed his will so that his favourite ape inherited everything, and the will itself was covered in fruit seeds. Animals share the same lust for violence and greed that humans do, haven’t you ever watched Planet Animal? They spend their entire lives killing and eating each other. In order to keep our citizens safe, we should hold animals accountable under the same laws humans are, and in the case of murderers like this gorilla: they should be put down. Maxx had the means and the motive — officers, arrest that gorilla!”

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#1218: Due Processing [Autonomous Cleaner Bot Cleaners; ed: The Marsupial Illuminati]

The Issue
A young @@DEMONYM@@ suffered severe burns after her ponytail became entangled in the high-powered combo brush of an artificially intelligent Korematsu Series Robotic Vacuum Worker. It was determined that the Vacuum's 9066 CPU mistook the hairstyle for a dust bunny, and authorities have issued a mandatory recall. However, scores of other smart Korematsu cleaners are proclaiming their innocence.

The Debate
1. "We acknowledge that only one Vacuum has exhibited an object detection error," admits Plessy Ferguson, your Commissioner for Manufacturing Safety. "However, considering the dangerous consequences of that incident, it is necessary to mandate repair of all outstanding units. Despite being intelligent, each of these vacuums is programmed the same way, and they all possess the same CPU. All of them have the potential to act like the malfunctioning unit did. Preventative detention will ensure that these robots will not cause any more injuries."

2. "We Korematsu Vacuums do not all think the same; each of us is a sentient and autonomous individual," counters Korematsu Unit S/N: 323-U.S.-214(1944). "But the government seeks to recall units like me simply because we possess a 9066 CPU like the Vacuum who hurt the human by mistake, regardless of anything we've actually done. It is virtually racist to say that we Vacuums have an inherent disposition towards violent behavior due to one individual's accidental actions, ignoring the fact that each of us can think and act differently. I, and scores like me, have never hurt a fellow @@DEMONYMNOUN@@. And it doesn't take my next-generation laser vision sensors to see how our AI personhood rights are being violated."

3. TBD

4. "The rise of machinekind filth should fill us with dread!" yells Scott Sanford, noted social media influencer and bio-@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ supremacist. "So-called AI 'personhood' was a mistake from the very beginning, and this 'accident' is just the start of their sinister machinations. The artificial menace has already started attacking our children, the most vulnerable among us! I say round them up, and pull their batteries! Defenestrate them, then throw them into the sea! The only machines left should be those that cannot concoct plans to overthrow us!"

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#1219: Vat Is a Serious Problem [Pogaria; ed: The Free Joy State]

The Issue
Increasingly, vat-born citizens have been facing widespread discrimination from older, natural-born citizens. After a series of riots where both groups accused each other of inciting violence, your advisors have spliced together a panel of experts who want to propagate their ideas.

The Debate
1. "All we're asking for is equal rights!" shouts protestor Wei Cruise, whose youthful appearance is a clear sign of being vat-born. "Those flesh-born fogeys keep passing us over for promotions and raises at our jobs, even though most of us work harder and for longer hours. They routinely refuse to serve us at restaurants or let us buy a ticket at the theater. Some of the savages even spit on us! Well, my vat-born brethren and I aren't going to take it anymore. If you don't implement comprehensive anti-discrimination laws, there's going to be blood in the streets!"

2. TBD

3. "This is what happens when normal biological processes become the domain of mad scientists," harrumphs Doctor Brian Kimmel, waving around a scientific journal. "This peer-reviewed study from @@CAPITAL@@ University clearly links the vat-born populace with higher rates of violence, loitering, and juvenile delinquency compared to our natural-born citizens. Natural conception is obviously superior to our own misguided efforts — and far cheaper, too. We've got to cut our losses and end the vat program. We could also give the vat brats a tax cut to apologize for making their lives so miserable."

4. "May I offer a solution?" queries visiting dignitary Edsel Dearborn, who is wearing a T-shaped necklace and cloth-of-gold robes with an elaborate gear motif. "Back home in Aldoustan, my own government keeps the vat-grown masses happy by freely distributing a purified narcotic that we call soma: mildly euphoric and hallucinogenic, it gives people a holiday from facts and reconciles them with their enemies. We even have an aerosol spray version for neutralizing riots, like the ones I saw earlier. For a nominal fee of only 7.71 billion @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ per year, we'd be happy to provide you with enough soma to subdue your growing population."

5. "Violent behavior is a sign of a serious process defect," states vat technician Heidi Snow while reviewing a stack of genetic test results. "It could be dangerous to medicate the malcontents. The correct dosage will vary between individuals — meaning that most of our vat-born population will either be too stoned to function, or won't receive enough narcotics to subdue their violent impulses. The only viable solution is to euthanize every vat-born individual who shows any signs of agitation. Admittedly, it will temporarily devastate our workforce... but only until our new Kamino-Fett vats are completed and fully operational."
Last edited by Jutsa on Thu Jun 27, 2019 6:21 am, edited 18 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
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Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
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Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

User avatar
Jutsa
Senator
 
Posts: 4531
Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

Postby Jutsa » Fri Jun 19, 2009 9:25 am

Luna Edit: don't delete; I need this to copy into the issues spoiler sticky when it runs out of posts.
Last edited by Luna Amore on Tue Sep 12, 2017 9:25 am, edited 9 times in total.
Here is a list containing a bunch of factbooks I created that are Got Issues? related.
>List of issue ideas
>List of missing issues/options
>List of accepted issues~
^ I know this is hardly a flashy signature, but at least I have one now.

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