#420: Caught Green Handed [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
A surprising number of politicians from all walks of life have admitted to smoking Maxtopian Grass and other soft drugs. Some are calling this a fragrant disregard of the law, while others believe this should spark a major shift in @@NAME@@'s War on Drugs.
The Debate
*1. "Isn't this typical?" scoffs columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would put us regular folk in jail. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs; yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to jail with the rest of the druggies." [Must have prisons]
*2. "Isn't this typical?" scoffs columnist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Once again these crooked politicians are getting away with things that would see regular folk punished. The government is sending a very mixed message by not acting on this. They decry drugs, yet several of their own are known users. If the government has any sense of credibility they would send these criminals to rehab with the rest of the druggies." [Must not have prisons]
3. "On the contrary; this sends a very clear message," replies a man with a large beard while smoking an unidentifiable substance, "The latest polls show that the majority of @@NAME@@'s voters disagree with the government on this issue. More people than ever before are supporting legalization, particularly among youth. It seems like a few of our politicians have finally caught on. Instead of punishing these brave men and women for a victimless crime, let's do something positive and legalize the stuff already."
4. "I've got an idea!" suggests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, an advisor you thought you'd fired last month, "We can't alienate our conservative base by legalizing drugs, but we also don't want to send our political allies to jail. What if all the politicians wrapped up in this scandal set the record straight by saying they didn't inhale? That's what we experts call deniable plausibility."
#421: No Child Left Behind Enemy Lines [Al-aqar; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
A tear-stained petition crosses your desk, signed by a newly-formed coalition of parents whose school-age children have been killed in action. They demand you revisit the nation's policy on minors in the military.
The Debate
1. "It's barbaric that we have children in the military!" sobs bereaved father @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "Why do we put our little ones in harm's way? There must be a better way to keep this country safe. I'd gladly go to the front lines instead, if it meant my children's safety. Our kids should be in school, not the workplace and definitely not the army."
2. "We really need that child labor to keep the military running smoothly," concludes auditor @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after reviewing the budget for the thousandth time, "but they don't necessarily need to be frontline infantry. In order to console parents, we could restrict children under the age of majority to non-combat roles such as maintenance and cooking. That sounds like a fair compromise to me."
3. "It's not our vertically-challenged recruits that are the problem; it's the guns!" bellows Quartermaster Sergeant @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "They're too big for our pint-sized patriots. What we need are appropriately-sized weapons to outfit the army. It might not protect the grunts in combat, but at least they'll take a few more Bigtopians with them when they go. Shoot, we could even export the miniature weapons - turn ourselves a profit while we're at it!"
#422: Wounded Veterans Demand A Helping Hand [Exemplaire; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
@@NAME_INITIALS@@BS Nightly News has run an interview with a former @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Army officer who has resorted to using a hook as a replacement for the hand he lost in combat after the Department of Veterans Affairs failed to cover the cost of prosthetic surgery, prompting a deluge of complaints about the way @@NAME@@ takes care of its wounded veterans.
The Debate
1. "You can't ask young @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ to go overseas to serve their country and then abandon them when they come home injured," insists recently returned double-amputee @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Wounded veterans like myself who have given their limbs for this nation deserve to live in handicap-accessible housing, and to have the cost of our surgeries and therapy fully covered, even if it does cost an arm and a leg. What's the point of spending so much on expensive new tanks and planes if you're not going to take care of those of us who have given so much already?"
[2]. "We couldn't agree more that these brave veterans deserve a better standard of living," hastily interjects @@RANDOM_NAME@@, CEO of military equipment supplier Global Strategic Solutions, Inc. "But there's no sense cutting procurement orders to pay for it. We would consider it our patriotic duty to foot the bill for free prosthetics for anyone injured in the line of duty ourselves. And all we'd ask in return is an agreement to plaster -- er, decorate -- the prostheses with advertisements for our civilian sales branch." [Must have private industry]
3. "That takes care of the symptoms, but not the cause," announces Professor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, Director of the @@NAME_INITIALS@@AF's highly secretive Special Projects Division. "As long as we insist on using flesh and blood troops on the battlefield, these kind of injuries are going to continue to cause so much inefficiency -- oh, and human suffering too, I guess. I say it's time we unleashed Operation Codename: Giant Killer Robots!"
#423: Returning Holy Warriors Cause Trouble [Interzone Inc; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
In a bloody civil war in nearby Maxtopia, the majority Violetist community is rebelling against a minority-led secular government with a terrible history of human rights abuses. Some Violetists from @@NAME@@ have traveled to Maxtopia to fight on the side of their fellow believers, and are now returning home.
The Debate
1. "These Violetists are coming back brainwashed with fundamentalist ideals and trained in terrorist methods," argues @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Minister of Internal Security. "They're a real danger to us all. You've got to detain all of these returnees for interrogation, until we can be sure that they're not planning terrorist atrocities here, however long that may take."
2. "This is all a massive overreaction," opines sociologist and civil rights campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "The Violetists are no threat to us in @@NAME@@. All we need to do is provide humanitarian aid for the victims of the civil war, and some help for the returnees to reintegrate into society. I'm sure that none of them would want to cause trouble here."
[3]. "That's pointless," insists @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, one of the more bellicose members of the General Staff. "The real problem is clearly in Maxtopia. We should bomb the Maxtopian government until they agree to be nice to everyone." Then he pauses, looking confused. "Or maybe we should bomb the rebels until they agree to be less fanatical." He pulls a map of Maxtopia out of his back pocket and shows it to you. "Look: we've got plenty of great targets that we could hit. We could even bomb the Bigtopians to prevent them from entering the conflict. Let's just bomb all of 'em, eh?" [Must have a military]
#424: You Just Sank My Battleship [DWAsnia; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
Last month the @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@ Navy's flagship scandalously sank while docked in the Lahabana Harbor. After analysis, experts concluded the primary cause was rust from poor maintenance.
The Debate
1. "Can't you see we need a hand in the navy?" complains Commodore @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while directing a diving crew, "How are we supposed to maintain our fleet if our routine maintenance budget is so paltry? Bigtopia has better warships, and you can't tell me they're a martial powerhouse. Grant me as much funding as I need so this doesn't ever happen again."
2. "This only proves that battleships are obsolete," concludes @@RANDOM_NAME@@ after watching the newest Star Trek movie, "@@NAME@@ needs weapons to combat the problems of the 23rd, I mean 21st century. We need to start research and development of an interstellar fleet or we'll be left behind in the arms race against... I dunno Klingons?"
3. "I know the real cause of this catastrophe," claims Crazy Boris, your least reliable spy, "Blackacre is obviously behind this attack. The signs of sabotage are everywhere." He takes a swig of vodka before continuing, "The engine explosion was most likely caused by my old nemesis, Ussa Maddox. Give me a free hand and I'll purge the spies that have infiltrated every level of @@NAME@@."
4. "You're all ignoring the bigger problem!" shouts a protester outside your office window, desperately trying to catch your attention, "That sunken battleship is polluting the environment horribly. All kinds of chemicals are seeping from the wreckage, and we're doing nothing to clean it up. Instead of building yet another war machine, how about we clean up some of our old messes, starting with this shipwreck."
#425: Teach Your Farmers Well [Ouiatenon; ed: Raurosia]
The Issue
After witnessing the horrors of both falling crop yields and furious farmers, your Secretary of Agriculture has proposed state-funded agricultural education.
The Debate
1. "Agriculture used to be the primary industry of @@NAME@@ and now look at us! Our lettuce is a let-down and our beets are barely pink!" exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, your Secretary of Agriculture. "But just send some funding to colleges, and show those city boys how to weed, water, and sow! It'll cost the taxpayer but I'm sure they'll sacrifice a few @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ for firmer tomatoes and browner potatoes!"
2. "Well, that's one option," muses @@RANDOM_NAME@@ an acquaintance of your brother's mother-in-law. "But this is such a fundamental sector of our economy that we can't leave it up to the farmers to choose whether they go to college or not. The government ought to make getting a degree mandatory to enter agriculture. Doctors and lawyers already need them, and can you really call them more important than the farmers?"
3. "Mandatory degree?!" thunders @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@ from atop his tractor. "Them college boys don't know nothing about farmin' that my old man didn't teach me! We've been tilling this land for seven generations, and by hickory we know how to do it best - we don't need any guv'ment folks tellin' us where to plant potatoes or what pest killers we can use! Now some of us farmers ain't the best, but same goes for those university-educated doctors and lawyers!" He trails off, still angrily waving an absurdly tiny carrot.
[4]. "You know, all this talk has got me thinking." notes socialist thinker @@RANDOM_NAME@@, brandishing a sickle. "@@NAME@@ has plenty of arable land, just perfect for cultivation. But we're going about it precisely the wrong way. You just can't trust private citizens with the people's own food. If we just nationalize the farms, production will surely rise! And with it, the proletariat!" [Must have private industry]
#426: Women In Uniform Under Fire [Vihenia; ed: Kandarin & Lenyo]
The Issue
After a female @@DEMONYM@@ soldier was taken prisoner and brutally tortured in a recent skirmish, some citizens are calling for an end to female enlistment in the military.
The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" argues Colonel @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@. "@@NAME@@'s women are our most precious jewels, and we've been letting them go out and die on horrible, bloody battlefields. We need to make the frontline combat exclusively for men, or our womenfolk will be in peril. Women should be content with support roles like nurses, secretaries, and cooks so we can free up fighting men for the meat grinder - I mean, the front."
2. "The nation needs more fighting men, all right," retorts Corporal @@RANDOM_NAME@@, phoning in from the front lines. "So much so that it doesn't really matter whether they're men. We should do away with all sexual discrimination in the military. So long as soldiers can meet physical requirements, shoot straight, and be ready to fight and die with a cry of '@@SLOGAN@@' on their lips, I say that's all that matters."
*3. "But that would send our womenfolk to fight in the wrong wars," protests infamously chauvinistic General @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, emerging briefly from a fortified bunker. "Women are needed on the home front, producing babies for @@NAME@@ so we don't get outnumbered by those fast-breeding savages we call our neighbors. It's not like weakling females can actually fight, anyways. And to ensure our conscription numbers are nice and high, it would be strategic to outlaw contraception and abortion." [[Must not have vat-grown people]]
4. "See? This sort of griping is why women are the only ones fit to be soldiers at all," says obscure feminist author @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@. "You don't see women falling all over themselves to be a hero and keep men out of harm's way. Women are more rational, keep cooler under fire, and are just as physically fit as men. I say we keep the men home and have an all-female military instead."
#427: They Took Our Gubment! [Trippoli; ed: Sedgistan]
The Issue
@@CAPITAL@@ media has been abuzz with gossip that Harold Weissenegger, a former bodybuilder and action movie star turned politician who immigrated from Smalltopia at a young age, is set to run for Parliament in the upcoming election. With Weissenegger already ahead in early polls, the legality of an immigrant running for office has been brought into question.
The Debate
1. "You can't allow this," protests @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, currently a distant second in the polls. "I've put fifty years of my life into this country, all to see a Smalltopian barbarian muscle in on what should rightfully be my job? If we don't take action now," she continues grimly, "who'll stop him when he's after your job?"
2. "Why stop there?" queries @@RANDOM_NAME@@, chairperson of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Nationalist Workers Party. "Immigrants are a danger to our society and cannot be trusted! Letting them in this country is one thing, letting them RUN it is an entirely different story. That's why we should ban immigrants like this 'Eradicator' from being police officers, judges, lawyers, or indeed any job that creates, interprets, or enforces the law!"
3. "I live here, work here, pay taxes here... well I live here," monologues Mr Weissenegger after smashing your door down for dramatic effect. "So there's no problemo with me running for office." As he tramples out of the splintered doorway, his last words are carried to you: "Or I'll be back."
#428: Crop Circles Clutter @@CAPITAL@@ [Human Olympus; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
After several years of beaming Earth's location into outer space, it seems somebody has finally responded... by leaving cryptic messages in the form of crop circles in the fields around @@CAPITAL@@. You tried to summon the nation's leading minds to concoct a response, but only three eccentrics showed up.
The Debate
1. "Aliens! They're aliens I tell you!" raves @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Alternative History Channel's most notorious correspondent. "Finally we can establish a dialogue with the great extraterrestrials who helped mankind leap from the stone age to the ancient monuments of old. This is clearly a depiction of their alien moon. We should study it to learn more about them."
2. "That's no moon!" bellows @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the nation's foremost authority on Battlestar Galactica fanfiction. "It's obviously some alien form of surveillance, preparation for an invasion. I say we rally the combined military forces of @@REGION@@ and just shoot into the sky until we hit something! We're bound to kill at least one alien invader before we all die a hero's death!"
3. "Um, has anyone noticed that looks an awful lot like @@CAPITAL@@ FC's logo?" counters Dr. @@RANDOM_NAME@@ while spreading aerial photos of the phenomenon across your desk. "There's a logical explanation to all this that doesn't involve aliens. The circles were probably caused by intoxicated farm boys. Actually, investing in a small program to teach farmers how to operate machinery more responsibly couldn't hurt."
#429: No Representation Without Taxation? [Bears Armed; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
The recent publication of a book "Who Pays For Government?", written by internationally famous economist Millicent Freeman, has triggered a public debate about voting rights.
The Debate
1. "Look, it's simple," explains Finance Minister @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Most things the government does cost money. That money has to be raised through taxes, so anybody who doesn't pay any tax shouldn't have any say in choosing the government either. We should make paying at least a specified minimum amount in tax necessary for inclusion in the electoral lists. It'll reward those who actually contribute to society, and give those who don't a bit of incentive to pull themselves up by their bootstraps."
2. "That's not going far enough!" insists teenager @@RANDOM_NAME@@, wearing a homemade Guy Fawkes mask while borrowing the controversial objectivist tract Maxlas Shrugged from the @@CAPITAL@@ Public Library. "Since state employees - like this parasite helping me check out my books! - are drawing their salary from the government, they're not contributing anything to the economy either, and they should be excluded from voting too!"
3. "No, no, a thousand times no!" notorious labour rights activist 'Red' @@RANDOM_NAME@@ protests. "Voting is the most basic right we have, and election day is the one time when every @@DEMONYM_NOUN@@, rich or poor, is an equal. The right to vote has to be protected for all @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@, and election day made a public holiday so that working class people can afford to vote without risking losing their jobs. The dip in productivity is more than justified by ensuring everyone has a chance to perform their civic duty."
4. "That's very stirring rhetoric, but I wonder if everyone really feels that way," muses libertarian scholar @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a research fellow at the Nyancato Institute. "So why not give everyone the choice? Make it legal for people to sell their votes, and leave it to them to decide what's more important to them: keeping their vote, or feeding their family."
#430: Easter Egg: Please, Sir, We Want Some More Issues [Eta Carinae; ed: Luna Amore]
The Issue
With the same old dilemmas confronting @@NAME@@ time and time again, people are demanding to know why there aren't more genuinely new issues.
The Debate
1. "Well, that's because they're all twaddle," says [violet] matter-of-factly while twirling a lighter in her hands. "I'm sick and tired of reading that garbage. I've decided to scrap the player-submitted system -- but don't tell anyone that. The endless waves of hate mail would overwhelm the server."
2. "The aim of this site is to promote my novel, not the writing talents of literary wannabes," scoffs Max Barry while sipping an iced-Margarita on a yacht in the South Pacific. "I've ordered the mods to only approve mediocre issues to ensure that no one discovers there are better writers out there than me."
3. "I've been combing through the queue, carefully examining each draft and determining its potential," sighs Sedgistan who is sitting next to an orderly stack of drafts stamped 'no way in hell'. "I'm confronted with thousands upon thousands of issues. I have to manage multiple editors and somehow still place in the Mod Olympics. Do you have any idea how much stress that puts on me? That's why it takes so long. Stop breathing down my neck. If you want to be useful, go help out the newbies in Got Issues."
4. "Huh? What's that?" says Sanctaria absentmindedly, looking up from an intimidating series of flow charts. "More issues? Well, it's your lucky day! I'm working on my next great chain. It will dwarf my last one in size and complexity. Forget everything you know about issues, every rule you think we can't break, because this chain is going to break them all."
5. "I couldn't agree with this more!" yelps Comrade Lenyo, his arms full of drafts. "We've received over 6,000 submissions! If we just got rid of the delete button, that'd be over 6,000 more issues. Who doesn't want that? Why are we still wasting time talking about this? Why are you reading this instead of submitting more drafts for us to add? EVERY. SECOND. COUNTS!"
6. The deafening Voice of Mod booms down from the heavens, "You will receive new issues when you receive new issues. Your questioning is undermining the authority of the mods. I've deleted enough nations to know flaming when I read it. You have been warned."
#431: Gone A Stray [Junessa; ed: Luna Amore]
The Issue
A group of distraught high school girls has brought the problem of stray dogs and cats around @@NAME@@ to your attention.
The Debate
1. "There are too many strays just wandering around!" screams a concerned high school student as she feeds leftover scraps to a noticeably spooked mutt. "We need to gather all these poor animals and get them into a nice shelter where a loving family can adopt them and take care of them - whether they want them or not."
2. "No! No more animals, please!" begs animal shelter director @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@ as she struggles to latch a cage full of cats. "Look, I love these fluffballs as much as the next guy, but we just can't handle any more. We're up to our ears in animals! The problem isn't with the strays, it's with irresponsible pet owners not spaying and neutering their pets. It's high time we required everyone to fix their pets. Do that and this problem will disappear."
3. "These animals deserve to be free!" screeches @@RANDOM_NAME@@, a member of People for the Ethical Treatment of Everything. "They found a home in the back alleyways and dumps. Who are you to take them away from their homes, tame them and make them your slaves? They don't exist for your entertainment. We must free all of the animals!"
4. "Let's not get hasty here," interrupts Major Burns while polishing his oakleaves and war medals. "Now these animals could be of use to the police here and overseas with our brave soldiers. There are plenty of jobs that simply aren't suited to our patriotic boys in uniform. Yes, plenty of dangerous jobs. It's not like these strays are going to be missed. And at least we'd be giving them hot meals and a dignified purpose!"
[5]. "One bullet each should do the trick," bluntly states a mustachioed local-government employee while loading a revolver. "Problem solved." [Guns are legal]
#432: Children In The Lead? [Annihilators of Chan Island; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
A recent broadsheet special on the children of other leaders in @@REGION@@ has brought attention to the lack of children in your own residence. Mindful of your dipping approval, some of your advisors have begun to wonder if some popularity could be won back by having a kid or two.
The Debate
1. "This is a golden PR opportunity," exclaims @@RANDOM_NAME@@, representing Moral Minority. "Imagine: you'd be the wise family figure. Think how much the people will love your new baby. You'll be the epitome of family values leading everyone into domestic bliss. And think of the merchandising! I mean, think of the children."
2. Maxford University demographer and suspected eugenicist @@RANDOM_NAME@@ disagrees. "The fact is our nation is overflowing with young ne'er do wells. They commit more crimes, are more prone to rudeness, and worst of all are least likely to care about your good works, @@LEADER@@. We have to send the message that we are going to do something about the troublesome demographics, and a good place to start is by you staying childless. And if we really want to crack down on population growth, we need to double down on border security too."
3. "Or how about adoption?" schemes @@RANDOM_NAME@@@, your PR expert." I could see you with a nice adopted Lilliputian boy and an adopted Maxtopian girl. It would look great in front of the cameras. You could be the most multicultural and tolerant leader in @@REGION@@! And if everyone follows your lead, the orphanages won't be nearly as dreary!"
#433: The Worst Storm To Hit @@NAME@@ Since... Yesterday? [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
After the eighth terrible super-storm to ravage @@NAME@@ this week, residents of the affected areas, your own advisers, and random people seeking shelter from the elements have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@ to see whether anything can be done.
The Debate
1. "I'm tired of these storms, @@LEADER@@," sighs @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, who looks as though he's just been dragged through a tornado. "The winds of this last storm were over 300 kph! My house was blown away! Something must be done to prevent buildings from being destroyed. Maybe if the government made it mandatory for all buildings to pass a disaster safety test, it would solve all our problems." He plucks a bird's nest from his hair before continuing. "I'd be prepared to pay a little more in tax if I still had a roof to sleep under!"
2. "Did you see how many times my supposedly lightning-proofed house was struck by lightning this morning?" cries violently twitching government advisor @@RANDOM_NAME@@, still smoking and smelling of ozone. "But when I was struck for the fifth time, I had something of a light bulb moment - literally. Why not create a way to turn the lightning strikes into energy for the city? Think about it for a moment: every time a bolt of lightning hits, we could harness the energy to charge the grid. Of course installing all those conductors is going to be horribly, horribly risky, but just think of the savings once they're in place!"
3. "Forget the wind and lightning, did you see the hail? It's the size of minivans!" screams @@RANDOM_FEMALE_NAME@@, her voice echoing out from her hiding place beneath your desk. "My house was flattened like a pancake! What we need is some sort of weather machine that can limit the destructive effects of these storms. Sure, it'll cost trillions of @@CURRENCY_PLURAL@@ in the first year alone and we'll have to divert funding from all other government departments to pay for it, but we could finally be safe."
[4]. "Never mind about the wind and the storms, they're merely a glimpse of our punishment to come!" exclaims Order of Violet cleric @@RANDOM_NAME@@, waving a prophetic text in your face. "The Book of Violet says that after me shall come the flood! We must retreat to the ark and prepare to cleanse our souls!" [Violetism is legal]
5. "You're all panicking, when you should be seeing this for the great opportunity that it is!" suggests the ever cryptic Minister of Creative Solutions, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "We could make @@NAME@@ the tourist capital of the world relating to bad weather phenomena. All we need is to set up some dangerous storm spots as sightseeing destinations and we could be rich! Maybe the temperature will actually get below -40 degrees soon so we can unveil our 'Freezing Experience' tour."
#434: Fraternity Furor [Nation of Quebec; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
After a drunken brawl between rival fraternities resulted in the deaths of five university students, concerned citizens across @@NAME@@ have questioned whether fraternities serve a purpose in modern society.
The Debate
1. "Dude! You can't ban fraternities," says @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, member of Mu Alpha Xi, while crushing a beer can against his forehead. "Fraternities are like a brotherhood. They give us a sense of belonging. Sure, some of us may get a little out of hand, but we have a right to hang out with whoever we want. Don't we have like, uh, freedom of assembly or something like that in @@NAME@@?"
2. "Fraternities continue to be an embarrassment to @@NAME@@'s universities," muses your geeky nephew as he peeks his head over a quantum physics textbook. "Don't forget that the same guys who shoved me into lockers in high school are the same ones being caught uttering awful chants and participating in hooliganism. College isn't about getting drunk and partying. It's about studying, working hard, and preparing yourself for the real world. Shutter the frat houses, so us students can study in peace and quiet."
3. "Come now, old sport, you can't listen to this poppycock," scoffs grey-haired University of @@CAPITAL@@ alumnus @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, sporting a swordstick and a hat displaying the symbol of an alleged secret society. "Back in my day we didn't have these problems with our fraternities. The problem is because you allow any Tom, Dick, and Harry into our fine organizations without the proper credentials. Fraternities used to be only for the wealthy and shall we say, @@NAME@@'s better citizens. Go back to the old ways and I'm sure these scandals will disappear."
[4]. "The problem isn't fraternities. It is alcohol!" invokes Reverend Joylove. "Some of these young men are a part of my flock and are otherwise upstanding citizens of society. I'm sure that they would never have become involved in a violent fistfight if it weren't for the alcohol polluting their bodies and souls. Instead of punishing the sinner, we must eradicate the sin. Alcohol is the devil's nectar, and it poisons the mind! For the good of society, we must ban all alcohol in @@NAME@@!" [Must not be Atheist]
#435: A Working Class Hero Is Something To Be [Golgothastan; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
The quarterly production reports show that a worker from Northern @@NAME@@, Alenyo Stackemup, has mined more unobtainium ore than all the other workers in his district combined, leading to questions about how the state should recognize such spectacular industriousness.
The Debate
1. "Comrade Stackemup is truly setting a fine example to the workers of @@NAME@@!" enthuses the invariably optimistic Minister of Industry, @@RANDOM_NAME@@, "Clearly we should be rewarding such commitment to the cause. If we increase his ration allowance and give him a nicer state apartment to live in, the other workers will be motivated to match his output. Of course we'll need a big promotion campaign to get everyone pumped up, but it'll pay off with a new age of economic productivity!"
2. "You're forgetting our revolutionary ideals," interjects the more idealistic Minister of Resources, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "From each according to his ability - to each according to his NEED. Comrade Stackemup doesn't need any more rations than any other miner, and building socialism is its own reward. Giving special treatment to workers who produce more will only lead us down the slippery slope back to capitalist exploitation."
3. "I actually think we have a bigger problem than that," says the perpetually suspicious Minister of Internal Affairs, @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Have you really looked at the numbers his district has claimed? According to their report, Stackemup's production level was OVER 9000! That's just not possible: no one could humanly shift that much unobtainium. They're obviously falsifying the data. We need to eliminate such corruption with a thorough audit of the whole sector, and in the meantime, don't go making an example of Stackemup and his supposed achievements: we'll all end up embarrassing ourselves."
#436: Votes, Place Your Bets! [Sierra Lyricalia; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
In response to a news story about a casino oddsmaker using offshore betting lines to perfectly predict @@NAME@@'s last set of election results, interested parties have wrangled their way into your office to bicker about what to do with this potential prediction tool.
The Debate
1. "Have you no decency whatsoever?" thunders @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the Violetist demiarchwizard of @@CAPITAL@@, before anyone else can say a word. "Even if gambling WEREN'T a mortal sin, the democratic process will fail under such a mighty burden! You must outlaw gambling on elections. Card games are one thing, but this is gambling with the very future of @@NAME@@! Oh, and we should crack down on those sinful casinos while we're at it."
2. "Now, there's no reason to get excited," soothes @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the @@NAME@@ Commissioner of Elections. "We can use this in a nice, boring, I mean safe, kind of way. Why don't we take bets on elections like bookmakers would take bets on @@DEMONYM@@ Pharoah in the @@CAPITAL@@ Derby? If the Election Commission runs all the action, we'll keep out the riff-raff AND put a little extra cash in our domestic budgets."
3. "Legalized gambling on ALL votes would be real sweet for our little thing-- uh, for the economy," confides @@RANDOM_MALE_NAME@@, an unindicted co-conspirator in the trial of notorious mobster Maxine "The Octopus" Barryotti. "Folks should be allowed to make a little somethin' when their favorites win, am I right? More jobs, more civic participation! And just between you and me, we could really clean up." He nudges you with his elbow, glances around, and continues quietly, "Some candidates might just be headed for a fall, know what I mean?"
#437: Blue Screen Of Economic Death [Eaischpnaeieacgkque Bhcieaghpodsttditf; ed: Lenyo]
The Issue
After a major server crash ceased all economic activity in @@CAPITAL@@ for 36 hours, furious powerbrokers have packed your office demanding immediate government action.
The Debate
1. "This is a travesty!" cries ex-multi-trillionaire @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose entire net worth was lost in the crash. "This would never have happened if I had all my money printed out and locked up in my safe behind my... never mind that. The point is that I have nothing to my name! I can't eat, my yacht was repossessed, and - dear Violet - I had to sleep next to filthy homeless people last night! The old system of bank notes and coinage was working just fine, and we need to go back to it NOW. We can't survive another major server crash like this."
2. "You can't be serious. Do you know how good digitalization has been for our surveillance programs?" asks @@RANDOM_NAME@@, head of the @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ Security Agency. "Terrorist attacks have dropped 75% since we've been able to monitor all commerce. Seventy-five percent! Do you have any idea how much of a feat that is? Obviously the @@DEMONYMINITIAL@@SA should monitor our electronic records to protect us from all internal threats, both terrorist and accidental. With us safeguarding currency records and watching all telephone and internet traffic, the nation will be safer than ever."
[3]. "More regulations? Bah! Hasn't the government already proven that it doesn't know what it's doing?" questions Microcosm CEO @@RANDOM_NAME@@. "Such a large project as currency digitalization is clearly a job for a multinational corporation, like say Microcosm. We can outsource the data storage to other countries where the labor costs are lower, and then your precious currency data will be far, far away from any domestic problem and much, much closer to SNAFU's in Marche Noire. No downsides!" [Must not have Autarky]
4. "The internet has failed us!" dramatically declares a doomsayer outside your office. "Wireless connections are unreliable, while USB mass storage is infallible. We can carry all our monetary records around our necks. Down with the internet, long live the pendant!"
#438: Judicial Review On Trial [Auralia; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
In a landmark decision, the Supreme Court of The @@TYPE@@ ruled that an obscure clause of the Constitution invalidates a government bill reaffirming the ban on same-sex marriage. Two groups have gathered in @@CAPITAL@@, one to protest the decision, the other to applaud it.
The Debate
1. "Could somebody please explain to me why a few unelected codgers in black robes are allowed to dictate public policy?" rants @@RANDOM_NAME@@, the infuriated MP whose bill was overturned by the decision. "Judges are supposed to enforce the law, not legislate from the bench. This is a judicial putsch! A threat to @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ democracy! Tyranny! Parliament was elected by the people of @@NAME@@ and so the only checks to our power should come at the next election, when voters can decide for themselves whether they approve of our policies or not."
2. "Democracy is nothing more than a tyranny by majority without constitutional safeguards," cautions civil rights campaigner @@RANDOM_NAME@@, whose amicus curiae was referenced in the decision. "The very fact that the Court is unelected means that they won't be afraid to make bold decisions, while our politicians are busy pandering to the lowest common denominator. All Parliamentary laws should have to be reviewed by the Court!"
#439: The Law Of Exodus [Nation of Quebec; ed: Golgothastan]
The Issue
Several prominent critics of the government's ban on emigration have been captured at the border after almost managing to smuggle themselves out of the country by hiding in a manure truck. Their arrest has triggered a debate about the merits of such strict border controls on @@DEMONYM_ADJECTIVE@@ citizens.
The Debate
1. "It almost feels as if we're prisoners in our own nation," protests @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while being hauled off to custody by several officers wearing pegs on their noses. "As much as we love @@NAME@@, not all of us want to live or work here, especially when there are better opportunities elsewhere. I was all lined up to take on an exciting new teaching job in Maxtopia, only for government goons to appear at my door to tell me I couldn't. How is that fair? The ban on emigration must be lifted!"
2. "Having a ban on emigration makes sure that our resources, I mean people, remain in @@NAME@@," reminds one of your most trusted, and sycophantic, advisers. "In fact, I'd recommend tougher enforcement of the ban. Oh! What about a massive wall surrounding our borders manned by armed guards? Huge guard towers! Tank and helicopter patrols! Freakin' @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ with freakin' lasers on their heads! We must spare no expense in keeping our iron grip - er, our loving hand - on every last @@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@!"
3. "You're both missing the real solution!" interrupts your accountant @@RANDOM_NAME@@, while combing through your tax returns. "@@DEMONYM_PLURAL@@ want to leave? Let them, but tax the Violet out of them before they go. A good 90% exit tax allows us a healthy return on our investment while getting rid of the traitorous scum who want to leave. It's win-win!"
[4]. "Have you ever thought of why people want to emigrate?" asks human rights activist @@RANDOM_NAME@@, who somehow managed to sneak past security. "Look around you: oppression and pollution everywhere. There are no jobs available: is it any surprise people are looking for them overseas? If the government actually did something to fix these things, no one would want to leave. Improve civil rights, expand public works programs, promote economic recovery, and the emigration debate would disappear overnight." [Unknown; environmental beauty too high?]
