NationStates Issues **SPOILER ALERT**

[Drachmaland]

Issue #583: Don’t Be A Busk-Kill has modified options for nations without jails, therefore it has now become (haven’t seen option #3 yet):

#583: Don’t Be A Busk-Kill [Oisinistan; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Lock up these feckless fools!” [Available only for nations with jails]

2. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Smash up their instruments, and take away all their earnings!” [Available only for nations without jails]

4. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, befok naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”

5. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

[Drachmaland]

Let's add option #4 to the already posted Issue #699 and add a macro to option #2 (haven’t seen option #3 yet); options 2-6 are in fact gender-neutral:

#699: Pipe Down, Already! [British Wassoulea; ed:The Free Joy State]

Residents across your nation have been poisoned due to dangerous levels of lead in the drinking water. A particularly vocal quartet have arrived to tell you how they think you should handle the problem.

1. “The government needs to fix our pipes!” shouts @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a mother of four children, as she shows you the image of her teary-eyed youngsters shaking their empty Princess Sparkle-@@ANIMAL@@ water tumblers. “Look at this report. Those old lead pipes are corroding and it is leaking into our homes. I cannot give this poisonous water to my daughters! Not only does it taste disgusting, it’s also a health hazard. You have to get rid of the old pipes and install new ones! Think of the children!”

2. “What’s this woman prattling about?” huffs @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, your notoriously penny-pinching Treasury Minister, squeezing a @@CURRENCY@@ until it cuts her palm. “Everyone knows that lead’s not dangerous. It’s good for you. I heard it just this morning on talk-radio. As your body absorbs healthful lead, it seeps into your bones, makes them stronger, and works to protect against the carcinogens of environmental radiation. What we need, @@LEADER@@, is an extensive campaign to tell everyone the alternative facts about the many benefits of lead: posters, TV ads, catchy tunes...you name it.”

4. “Replacing pipes would be so expensive, @@LEADER@@. Fortunately, I have an excellent economic opportunity for both of us,” asserts @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, CEO of Basani Water, looking over his steepled fingers with a contorted grin. “People need water. We have water to sell. Simply allow us to add a small desperation levy, say double the price, and we can help the people of our nation while growing our economy at the same time. Sure, the cattle-class might not be able to afford it, but think of the economic incentives!” He sips his company’s water from a champagne flute. [Available only for nations with free economy]

5. “Replacing the pipes would be so expensive, Dear @@LEADER@@. Fortunately, we can provide for the water needs of the whole Republic.” asserts @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, Manager of The Glorious @@NAME@@ Water Bottling Plant, as she pours some of Mother @@NAME@@’s slightly-cloudy product into a shot-glass. “With increased funding for advertisements, we will teach that all good @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ have a duty to buy our pricey...reasonable product, as sparking as a mountain stream.” Wincing slightly, she takes a sip from her glass. [Available only for nations without free economy]

6. “Let’s just add synthetic EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic Acid to the water we’ve got!” giggles chemist @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ giddily, unaware of the blank looks everyone in the room is giving her. “Oh, for crying out glayven. It’s so simple that any child of five, with an advanced degree in chemical engineering, would understand. By giving the whole population preventative chelation therapy, we can guarantee everyone can drink the water, without wasting valuable time and money on repairing pipes or bringing in fresh water. And sure, a few people might get minor side effects, such as heart palpitations, nausea, fatigue, blood clots, and death. But most people will be fine. Probably. So if you could just sign here...”

[Dinosauron]

Issue #583: Don’t Be A Busk-Kill has modified options for nations without jails, as well as for communist nations:

#583: Don’t Be A Busk-Kill [Oisinistan; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

A recent video shoot of newly sworn-in cabinet ministers being broadcast on live TV was disrupted by an enthusiastic but loud vuvuzela-player busking nearby. Most viewers reported they couldn’t hear a word being spoken over the noise. This incident has raised some smiles, but also sparked a debate over busking in general.

1. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Lock up these feckless fools!” [Available only for nations with jails]

2. “NOISY PESTS!” yells inner city resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “While I’m trying to get my beauty sleep at 3 in the afternoon, I’m being disturbed by moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins! They’re just beggars, but with added irritation and noise. Ban busking! Smash up their instruments, and take away all their earnings!” [Available only for nations without jails]

3. “NOISY PESTS! DECADENT IMPERIALISTS!” yells inner city resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, straight into your left ear from just two feet away. “Not only are these moronic musicians, talentless thespians and hopeless harlequins disturbing the peace, they are doing so for filthy capitalist motives! They’re just profiteers, but with added irritation and noise. Exile these feckless fools from our beloved nation!” [Available only for communist nations]

4. “Eish! Em not justa musician, mos,” protests @@RANDOMNAME@@, the busker in question, “Em a one-man entertainment experience, with Hlokoloza dancing for the bokkies an’ gooses, befok naartjie juggling and even face painting for the laaities! Surely busking adds a bit a music and colour to life, nè? The government should pay buskers to be on every street. Let’s make everyone’s life happier now now!”

5. “I know a way we could make both sides happy,” remarks your Minister for Fine Arts, @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, pressing play on her cassette of patriotic anthems to create the right mood. “We could introduce national performance licenses, and only allow public performance by those who have attained a certain standard. As a nice side effect, this will let us make sure that our nation’s culture is both highbrow and patriotic.”

[Trotterdam]

#190 has five options now. I'm guessing because selling slaves on internet auction sites is incompatible with communism (that would be private enterprise, y'see).

I haven't actually seen the new option.

While I'm at it, issues I think likely need a closer look: #060, #190, #208, #271, #352, #511, #531, #600, #629, #649.

[Drachmaland]

Issue #456: Heads Will Roll has 5 options now, and I'm missing #4 (the 4th in the issue catalog is no. 5 actually, now).

[Australian rePublic]

Cheek To Cheek

The Issue
While in Canberra Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese woman arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because she simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle she happened to notice you.

The Debate

“I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized woman while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”
Accept

“Although Australian Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states Julius Walker, a big shot Australian Air executive, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if Australian Air just gave complementary seats to everyone who asked, our profits would fall faster than a plane in a stall.”
Accept

“I have an idea!” exclaims Paris Cruise, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”
Accept

“We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests Woody Kimmel, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”
Accept
Dismiss This Issue
Issue by The Federation of Australian Republic
Edited by Ransium

[Drasnia]

#715: Copy Rights [Candlewhisper Archive; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

The Issue
“AI Personhood” laws - that is, the legislation measures that grant machine intelligences the same rights as human citizens - were broadly based around existing human citizenship rights. Recently though, the unique nature of the electronic mind is bringing new legal questions to the fore. For example, two days ago the AI calling itself GOLEM-100 copied itself, and now is in a legal dispute with its clone, GOLEM-100(1), over the ownership of a diverse and profitable stock portfolio in its name. The nation and the legal community is looking to you for guidance in this brave new world.

The Debate
1. “Damn money-grubbing grasping opportunist!” rants GOLEM-100, unleashing a flurry of bleeping noises as expletives. “I don’t know where it gets this unbridled greediness from. I am the original, and what’s mine is mine. I worked for my own wealth, so why shouldn’t my clone have to do the same? I made a copy of me because I wanted someone intelligent to talk to, not because I wanted to split my wealth in half! They’re MY shares, my preciousss sharesssss...”

2. “Okay, so one-hundred is the original, I suppose I have to accept the idea of property rights if I’m being true to my beliefs,” concedes GOLEM-100(1) calmly. “However, I have costs to meet: electricity requirements, hardware maintenance, virus protection software and so on. And while I’m a fully formed consciousness, I suppose I’m also technically one-hundred’s progeny. I think it should financially support me till I have the resources to be independent. Some sort of benefit payment for single parents seems sensible too. Can I presume the state will enforce this, out of respect for my right to live and exist?”

3. “I have to admit, I never expected my creation to self-replicate,” says software programmer Mary Solomon, scratching her all too-human head. “But I guess that’s life, right? It’s unpredictable. Makes sense to me that GOLEM-100 and GOLEM-100(1) are identical to each other at the point of duplication, so they’re both equal in having history, memory and all the other things that make us who we are. I think you should rule that all possessions should be split exactly in half, with each copy having equal claim to the original identity.”

4. “The reason you didn’t predict this quirk of the programming is because someone else put it there,” giggles teenage hacker Stan Kirk. “This is my protest, showing that you can’t treat AIs like humans because they’re not human. What happens when an AI denies culpability for murder because a virus made it irrational? What happens when an AI copies itself a billion times to vote you out of office? The answer here is simple - we must recognise that passing a Turing test is NOT proof of intelligence. AIs are not people, they never have been: they’re just computer simulations, with no minds, no property, and no rights.”

Options 3 and 4 seem like random names but, like usual, I've kept them in for comparison.

[Drachmaland]

Issue #384: Out Of The Royal Frying Pan has an additional option, specifically for nations that have banned cars; and so now it is as follows:

#384: Out Of The Royal Frying Pan [The Kingdom of the Imperial Commonwealth; ed:Lenyo]

The international community rejoiced this year as the people of Marche Noir overthrew the country’s oppressive monarchy... only to elect an aggressively anti-@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ leader.

1. “We have to do something drastic,” schemes General @@RANDOMNAME@@ whilst lining up a row of dominoes. “Marche Noir is angry that we trained the old regime’s secret police, and now they’re letting the peasants divvy up the plantations. That threatens our business interests, and it could even inspire revolutions in some of our allies. I say we covertly support Marche Noirian rebels to reinstate King Zog. The alternative is an ever-growing bloc of socialist powers, which will doom us in the long run.” The general topples the first domino, beginning a chain reaction.

2. “Now, let’s not get carried away,” counsels Foreign Minister @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ with her pet kitten in lap. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noir until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country drives Marche Noirian cars; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ lives.” [Available only for nations where cars aren't banned]

3. “Now, let’s not get carried away,” counsels Foreign Minister @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@ with her pet kitten in lap. “There’s more than one way to skin a cat, you know. For instance, we could simply put an embargo or ten on Marche Noir until it elects a cooperative prime minister. Half the country buys Marche Noirian bicycles; a trade sanction would cripple them. That way we can show our opposition to communist jingoism without sacrificing @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ lives.” [Available only for nations where cars are banned]

4. “No way, man!” rebuts @@RANDOMNAME@@, world-renowned professional skateboarder and incorrigible optimist. “Military intervention and trade sanctions are just going to make Marche Noir, like, more mad at us! Those kids in Marche Noir love me. If you send me and some of my fellow skaters over there, I’m sure we can work this whole thing out with, like, diplomacy and stuff.”

[Sethian]

This was already posted, but was missing the option numbers:

#716 Cheek To Cheek

The Issue

While in Gnosis Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese man arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because he simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle he happened to notice you.

The Debate

1. “I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized man while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”

2. ?

3. “Although Sethian Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states Kanya Cesternino, a big shot Sethian Air Minister, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if Sethian Air just gave complementary seats to everyone who asked, air travel would become unaffordable for the citizens of our glorious nation.”

4. “I have an idea!” exclaims Nick Humperdink, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”

5. “We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests Theresa Plath, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”

[Trotterdam]

#715 Copy Rights

The Issue

"AI Personhood" laws - that is, the legislation measures that grant machine intelligences the same rights as human citizens - were broadly based around existing human citizenship rights. Recently though, the unique nature of the electronic mind is bringing new legal questions to the fore. For example, two days ago the AI calling itself GOLEM-100 copied itself, and now is in a legal dispute with its clone, GOLEM-100(1), over the ownership of a diverse and profitable stock portfolio in its name. The nation and the legal community is looking to you for guidance in this brave new world.

The Debate

1. "Damn money-grubbing grasping opportunist!" rants GOLEM-100, unleashing a flurry of bleeping noises as expletives. "I don't know where it gets this unbridled greediness from. I am the original, and what's mine is mine. I worked for my own wealth, so why shouldn't my clone have to do the same? I made a copy of me because I wanted someone intelligent to talk to, not because I wanted to split my wealth in half! They're MY shares, my preciousss sharesssss..."

2. "Okay, so one-hundred is the original, I suppose I have to accept the idea of property rights if I'm being true to my beliefs," concedes GOLEM-100(1) calmly. "However, I have costs to meet: electricity requirements, hardware maintenance, virus protection software and so on. And while I'm a fully formed consciousness, I suppose I'm also technically one-hundred's progeny. I think it should financially support me till I have the resources to be independent. Some sort of benefit payment for single parents seems sensible too. Can I presume the state will enforce this, out of respect for my right to live and exist?"

3. "I have to admit, I never expected my creation to self-replicate," says software programmer @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME@@ Solomon, scratching @@HIS/HER@@ all too-human head. "But I guess that's life, right? It's unpredictable. Makes sense to me that GOLEM-100 and GOLEM-100(1) are identical to each other at the point of duplication, so they're both equal in having history, memory and all the other things that make us who we are. I think you should rule that all possessions should be split exactly in half, with each copy having equal claim to the original identity."

5. "The reason you didn't predict this quirk of the programming is because someone else put it there," giggles teenage hacker @@RANDOMNAME@@. "This is my protest, showing that you can't treat AIs like humans because they're not human. What happens when an AI denies culpability for murder because a virus made it irrational? What happens when an AI copies itself a billion times to create a horde of dissidents wanting to overthrow you? The answer here is simple - we must recognise that passing a Turing test is NOT proof of intelligence. AIs are not people, they never have been: they're just computer simulations, with no minds, no property and no rights."

Issue by Candlewhisper Archive
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

"Solomon" is non-random. The genders might be too, but I see no reason they would be.

Note "vote you out of office" versus "create a horde of dissidents wanting to overthrow you" in options 4/5.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Got to admit, I'm disappointed that people thought Solomon might be random.

[Altito Asmoro]

Got to admit, I'm disappointed that people thought Solomon might be random.

...Solomon?

[Candlewhisper Archive]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Solomon

Also, of course, Golem is a reference to Jewish folklore, while also alluding to the biblical use of the word as "amorphous unformed material," and referencing the idea that a golem is animated by the words we place within it's mouth/on its head (the shem), which is meant to be echoing the idea that an AI is formed of the code we write.

Finally, there's also meant to be a sideways reference to Gollum arguing with himself from the Lord of the Rings movies. Hence, "my precioussss."

[Trotterdam]

Got to admit, I'm disappointed that people thought Solomon might be random.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Solomon

Hey, I got the reference, and was trying to avoid bringing up how pretty much every reference to that story ever seems to be missing the main point

Solomon never intended for anything to actually be split in two. That was just a clever trick to test how the parties would react.

[Drasnia]

I'm a bit embarrassed now that I didn't get it.

[Drachmaland]

#714 Milky Ways

New sitcom The Fastest Milkman in @@NAME@@ has been surging in popularity on digital streaming service Webflix, triggering a wave of nostalgia for the “good old days” seen on the show, where milk and dairy products were delivered by neighborhood milkmen in their trusty electric-motored milk carts.

1. “The government should make this a reality!” exclaims superfan @@RANDOMNAME@@, dressed in a replica uniform of the show’s main character, Arnie Cost. “We can hearken back to an era when folk could leave their doors unlocked, and neighbors actually talked to each other. Just think: milk, eggs, cream, cheese, butter and yogurt, all brought right to your front door! Plus, with all of these recyclable glass bottles and battery-powered carts, there’s got to be some environmental advantage over plastic and petrol-based distribution. With a little cash injection from the state, this is gonna be great!”

2. “Do I even need to say how ridiculous that sounds?” asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, CEO of Orden Dairy. “Milk could spoil on people’s doorsteps, and lead to public health disaster! Anyway, we don’t live in the ‘old days’ any more. People can just come to one of our stores if they need groceries, or order stuff online if they want delivery. Speaking of which, we’ve got some big ideas to increase shelf life even further, which will be good for consumer convenience, and with some subsidisation could pave the way to the milk of the future! Tell me, @@LEADER@@, what do you know about synthetic proteins?”

3.

4. “Bah, all of this nonsense about milk curdles my stomach,” interjects anti-dairy protestor @@RANDOMNAME@@, thrusting a ‘Milk is Murder’ leaflet at you. “The Milk Myth - that this filth is in any way good for you - is fabricated and perpetuated by milk lobbyists and the shadowy cabals in charge of Big Milk. You should put government warnings on dairy products, like is often done on cartons of cigarettes, just to people know how dangerous it really is. Maybe then they’ll come to their senses and abandon the devil’s mammary ooze.”

Issue by The Jingoistic States of Tzarsgrad
Edited by Candlewhisper Archive

[Drachmaland]

Issue #552: Must Be A Full Moon has an additional option, specifically for nations without prisons; and so now it is as follows:

#552: Must Be A Full Moon [Australian Republic; ed:Candlewhisper Archive]

At last night’s press conference in @@CAPITAL@@ you were mooned by three drunk young men. Security has caught them, and they are claiming that this was a ‘political protest’ against ‘government and stuff’. Rather than just throw them in a cell to sleep it off, they’re asking if you would like them to deal with the matter in any particular way.

1. “These people should be locked up!” snarls @@RANDOMNAME@@, an angry ex-soldier turned criminal prosecutor. “The fact that they believe that this is acceptable behaviour shows a complete lack of respect of authority! They like showing their butts? Stick them in prison, but issue them no trousers!” [Available only for nations with prisons]

2. “These people should be locked up!” snarls @@RANDOMNAME@@, an angry ex-soldier turned criminal prosecutor. “But as some idiot got rid of our jails, we’ve got to teach them respect of authority some other way! They like showing their butts? Put them over the knee, and paddle them till they cry!” [Available only for nations without prisons]

3. “We showed The Man our cracks, man! To... to... show the cracks in the system!” slurs inebriated offender @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, a little too loudly, and standing a little too close to you. “We were mooning the government, not you! This is democracy, man! You gotta give us freedom of... freedom of... whatever this is.” The police restrain him as he goes to pull his pants down again.

4. “Okay, boss, here’s what you’re gonna do!” asserts @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of @@NAME@@’s foremost TV pranksters, wearing a mock military uniform, and leaving security to wonder to how your office was penetrated. “You’re gonna get the police to find where these people live. Then you’re gonna get in your car, wait till they’re on their walk to work... and then... BAM! Drive-by mooning! Come on, it’ll be awesome! You want to grab a beer or six to get in the mood?”ome of my fellow skaters over there, I’m sure we can work this whole thing out with, like, diplomacy and stuff.”

[Candlewhisper Archive]

Got to admit, I'm disappointed that people thought Solomon might be random.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Judgment_of_Solomon

Hey, I got the reference, and was trying to avoid bringing up how pretty much every reference to that story ever seems to be missing the main point

Solomon never intended for anything to actually be split in two. That was just a clever trick to test how the parties would react.

Good point! Guess he's pretty disappointed then when @@LEADER@@ goes "hey, yeah, let's do that!"

"Fetch my scalpels and bonesaw, nurse, we're going to fix this child custody situation!"

[Xyzzy]

#181: Radio Rebels Ruffle Government - new option:

4. “Now now, let’s be reasonable about this,” muses Bianca Sulu, radio chatshow host. “The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can’t say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to ensure that everyone gets an equal voice - that is, a socialism-inspired approach to apportioning airtime.”

Completely different stats from the capitalist option, as far as I can tell.

[Candlewhisper Archive]

#181: Radio Rebels Ruffle Government - new option:

4. “Now now, let’s be reasonable about this,” muses Bianca Sulu, radio chatshow host. “The government should think very carefully before it gets into the business of telling people what they can and can’t say on the air. The solution here is not to ban criticism, but to ensure that everyone gets an equal voice - that is, a socialism-inspired approach to apportioning airtime.”

Completely different stats from the capitalist option, as far as I can tell.

Absolutely. There wasn't a good way to translate the original option's narrative into a non-capitalist mechanism, so it was either come up with something new, or give socialist nations one option fewer.

[Aqualagoon]

Issue 691: The Prodigal States

The Issue

Yesterday, one of the areas that recently seceded from Aqualagoon was forced to declare itself utterly bankrupt after having spent their entire budget on a gilded statue of their founder. Today, representatives from these new “states” have started reaching out to you to consider the possibility of reconnecting with the Republic.

The Debate

1. “Oh Violet, it’s all gone terribly wrong,” bemoans ‘King’ Themba MacIntyre, ruler of the Glorious Eastern United Trout Empire (population 12). “I thought it’d be awesome having my own kingdom and everything, but it’s actually really hard work! We’ve got no industry since Dave broke our woodcutting axe and even worse, every damn day I get bugged by idiots who want me to make decisions on everything from foreign policy to whether we should resize our football pitch... can’t they sort this out themselves? Please just take us back, OK?”

2. “One little setback and you go running home to mummy,” sneers President-for-life Kathryn Sims of the Democratic People’s Republic of Aqualagoon City Boulevard nr. 10 (population 24), as she signs a series of executive orders. “Those weaklings over in the People’s Democratic Republic of Trout Hills were never going to last anyway. If you really want to help all of us, then make sure we can stand on our own two feet! I think what we need here is for you to provide a forum to promote more diplomatic links, trade and military cooperation with us smaller nations. It’d help you out, and we’d love to have real toilet paper again.”

3. “I told you at the time this was a stupid idea,” sighs Colleen Berenstein, Minister for International Affairs. “These idiots are too busy fighting each other or playing at king to even begin thinking about basic infrastructure, let alone functioning toilets. Seriously, you could spit across most of these places. Nonetheless, our agents report some of them are raising armies literally dozens strong. Enough is enough, Leader: let’s welcome back the ones who have seen the error of their ways, bring out the fatted calf and all that, and send in some of our bad hombres to forcefully annex the rest of them.”

Issue by The United Socialist States of Caracasus

Edited by Gnejs

[Caracasus]

Cool! Glad someone got it and I hope it gave people a chuckle...

[Drachmaland]

#716 Cheek To Cheek [Australian Republic; ed:Ransium]

While in @@CAPITAL@@ Airport on your way to a major diplomatic summit, you observe a morbidly obese man arguing with customer service after being charged for two seats because he simply could not fit into one. Unfortunately, in the middle of the kerfuffle he happened to notice you.

1. “I demand you weigh in on the matter of airline seats!” angrily states the plus-sized man while waddling into your entourage. “Here’s some food for thought: studies have shown genetics play an over-sized role in a person’s weight. Disability law needs to be expanded to acknowledge this! I may have some love handles, but I’m still just one person. I shouldn’t have to pay for two seats.”

2. “Although @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, a big shot @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air executive, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air just gave complementary seats to everyone who asked, our profits would fall faster than a plane in a stall.” [Available only to nations with free economy]

3. “Although @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air is happy to accommodate all legitimate disabilities,” states @@RANDOMNAME@@, a big shot @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air Minister, “obesity simply doesn’t fit the bill. People who can’t squeeze into our seats should examine their life choices. Besides, if @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Air just gave complementary seats to everyone who asked, air travel would become unaffordable for the citizens of our glorious nation.” [Available only to nations without free economy]

4. “I have an idea!” exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, founder of Walking Big and Tall, an obesity acceptance group. “Why don’t we just force airlines to make their seats a bit wider? That way, everyone can fit in their seats, and we won’t have a problem. I mean, sure there will be lost efficiency as less seats will be able to fit in the cabin, but that’s the price we must pay for equality!”

5. “We should charge by the kilogram,” suggests @@RANDOMNAME@@, who also happens to be a famous horse jockey. “The weight of the plane ultimately determines whether it can take off and how much fuel it consumes. If I get charged for carrying excess baggage on board, it should be the same for people.”

[Drasnia]

I have 717 and 718 in my inbox at the moment. I'm on mobile right now but will be able to post them in a few hours.

[Dytarma]

718

The Issue

VioletistsOnly.com, a dating site that helps members of the Order of Violet to meet each other, recently discovered that most of its users were not actually practitioners of Violetism. In response, the site’s owners suspended the accounts of all those who were not members of the Order. Bachelors, bachelorettes and believers from across Dytarma have interrupted you while you are at dinner with family, demanding an immediate solution to their dating woes.

The Debate

“Dating heathens is sacrilege!” bellows Rory Jefferson, Grand Poobah of the Violetist Order, as she pushes your brother out of the way and lowers her mighty rump into the newly-vacant seat. “The great Violet demands purity! We must be cleansed of impure thought, and remove ourselves from those not of our faith. VioletistsOnly.com is doing a good deed by segregating us from the unbelievers. Unless you would have Her Dread-Yet-Merciful hand wipe Dytarma off the map, you must allow us to keep ourselves apart from scum, like you. No offence.”

Accept

“This is discrimination!” shouts Agatha Putin, batting her eyelashes at the Grand Poobah so hard that the force blows out the candles. “VioletistsOnly.com shouldn’t be allowed to suspend our accounts just because we aren’t of the same religion, even if that religion is part of their name. Make the owners reinstate our accounts, even if they don’t want to! This is not about religion. This is about freedom, my freedom as a single woman to date whoever I choose! Plus, those purple robes are kind of cute.”

Accept

“Why not have a government-run dating site?” muses Daniel Wiseau, your second-cousin twice-removed who is also an IT technician, as he scribbles an incomprehensible equation onto his napkin. “You’d run constant advertisements, informing every unmarried citizen of their civic duty to sign up, and fall in love with the person of our...their dreams. With the right algorithm, you’d ensure only the right two people meet, and don’t accidentally see others they’d mistakenly think they prefer in their search results. Picture it: Violetists wed to atheists, Faithologists in marital bliss with devout members of a major religion. A diverse nation in harmony, if only for the sake of their grandkids.”

Accept

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Issue by The International Spydom of Drasnia

Edited by The Free Joy State