[SUB'D | CON'T] Wrecked My Brains

[Valentine Z]

A very teeny tiny nitpick for the drafting process, but I think it will be a bit clearer in my opinion if the draft and the lines are written and spaced out like so:

[title] Wrecked My Brains

[desc] Yesterday, the 21-year-old @@DEMONYMNOUN@@ @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ arose in a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ mental hospital, with @@HIS@@ schizophrenia ostensibly cured by a lobotomy. Yet, it turned out that @@HE@@ instead acquired epilepsy, lost @@HIS@@ intelligence to the point of having to drop out of @@HIS@@ university studies, and perhaps most significantly asserted @@HIM@@self to be the last remaining @@ANIMAL@@. Now, the medical and lay communities are up in arms over the controversial procedure.

[validity] Must have an education system; low to medium scientific advancement; and low to medium healthcare.



[option] A tall man walks into your office, his bag filled with legal documents, and speaks to you in a cold voice. "As the legal representative of @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@, I believe that avoiding personality loss and mental incapacity from lobotomisation – a malum in se and personal tragedy – is inherently non-negotiable, necessitating both retroactive heritable compensation therefor and full prohibition of the procedure. Countless other states have held themselves accountable for medical practice under their jurisdiction, specifically by prohibiting lobotomies, and so should we."
[effect] sometimes it pays to get a lobotomy



[option_validity] Must have a court system
[option] The Minister of Justice walks into your office, his bag filled with administrative documents, and speaks to you in a cold voice. "Avoiding personality loss and mental incapacity from lobotomisation – a malum in se and personal tragedy – is inherently non-negotiable, necessitating both retroactive heritable compensation therefor and full prohibition of the procedure. Countless other states have held themselves accountable for medical practice under their jurisdiction, specifically by prohibiting lobotomies, and so should we."
[effect] sometimes it pays to get a lobotomy



[option_validity] May not have a court system
[option] "What happened to @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ was tragic, but just a fringe case," argues the surgeon who administered the lobotomy in question, speaking increasingly quickly. "While mishaps occur, @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ Hospital has thoroughly vetted all our surgical techniques, in addition to complying with any government regulations. Having schizophrenia is absolutely a personal tragedy, in the words of this pencil-pushing layman. Further, the patient consented to lobotomisation, and the proven benefits of lobotomies in alleviating illnesses outweigh any risk of incapacitation. Can you promise to keep the state out of all decisions regarding the administration of medical procedures? Now, I have a surgery to superv- scalpel right hand... scalpel right hand".
[effect] hospitals rest the souls of patients



[option_validity] Must have a court system
[option] Meanwhile, @@RANDOMNAME_2@@ of the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ intelligence agency whispers into your ear. "You know this is a great opportunity to purge the opposition to our government. Our department can...ensure they get admitted to a hospital and get lobotomised therein." @@HE@@ steps back, and quietly adds, "Soon, I- you will be able to freely rule all of @@NAME@@."
[effect] the opposition to @@LEADER@@ is said to be metaphorically – but also literally – brain-dead

With that out of the way, let's get started! Once again, my apologies for looking at this very late; I know I said yes, and I took a bit of time than I like, so.. my bad! All are of course, my personal thoughts, and are no way set to discredit your writing other than constructive feedback!

First and foremost, I don't really get the difference between Option 1 and Option 2. Who I assumed to be a private lawyer in Option 1, versus the one that has the court system. There is not much of a difference between the options, which is not inherently a bad thing, but at the end of the day, it just seems like two official (sort of for Option 1) law-practicing folks. Maybe for Option 1, we can go with something along the line of a "self-appointed / self-learned lawyer" of sorts? This again, I am probably just blabbering because law isn't my forte!

Option 3, we could add a short line where the doctor / surgeon up there is a bit absentminded too, and so was the whole hospital. "Why, this week we only have two cases of scalpels being left inside a patient's body!"
It can happen at a terrifyingly alarming rate.

For Option 4, I don't really know why this needs a court system validity. I can think of this: "You know this is a great opportunity to purge the opposition to our government. Heck, we can even use it to keep the more rebellious members in line!"
[effect] anyone who dares oppose @@LEADER@@ soon found themselves literally brain-dead
* The tragic RL counterpart I can think of is Rosemary Kennedy. She was not necessary an opposition, but a family member of JFK that is a little difficult to work with, so to speak. This option reminds me of that - to keep anyone that bothers you as a leader to be taken away and given a lobotomy, hidden far away. This can also, in turn, leads to a follow-up issue whereby you now have a LOT more lobotomized patients, but one issue at a time!

The lack of court system could add another option - No official way to sue or go through a lawsuit, as far as my limited knowledge of law goes. So... cue a family member of the poor 21 y/o being hysterical and yelling at the doctors, and then asking you to re-establish the court system while you are at it, so that they can "sue every single @@CURRENCY_SINGULAR@@ from these people!"

[The Ice States]

Thanks to the comments from both SDW and Valentine Z -- I have effected both changes. Anything I have not explicitly replied to here I have addressed.

First and foremost, I don't really get the difference between Option 1 and Option 2. Who I assumed to be a private lawyer in Option 1, versus the one that has the court system. There is not much of a difference between the options, which is not inherently a bad thing, but at the end of the day, it just seems like two official (sort of for Option 1) law-practicing folks. Maybe for Option 1, we can go with something along the line of a "self-appointed / self-learned lawyer" of sorts? This again, I am probably just blabbering because law isn't my forte!

The intent is for them to indeed be similar; but so that it can apply to nations without lawyers. I think it is fine as-is, and honestly not sure how to add the self-learned part into the current wording.

The lack of court system could add another option - No official way to sue or go through a lawsuit, as far as my limited knowledge of law goes. So... cue a family member of the poor 21 y/o being hysterical and yelling at the doctors, and then asking you to re-establish the court system while you are at it, so that they can "sue every single @@CURRENCY_SINGULAR@@ from these people!"

I do not believe this is really necessary when the second option includes "retroactive heritable compensation therefor". To that end even without a court system there is an option for compensation. Would it help to amend Options 1/2 to make it more explicit that compensation is to come from the hospitals where possible?

The Option 4 validity was a leftover from a previous version of the draft, it has been removed, thanks

[SherpDaWerp]

The new option 3 is a bit better, but now feels a bit long overall - 120 words compared to our target 80. Could you cut it down a little bit? It's also a little hard to understand, in places - it's not obvious to me that the pencil-pushing-layman bit is supposed to be the surgeon "reflecting [option 1's] words back to them", as it were.

Option 4 is a little cliched, but that's hard to avoid considering you've just written to the topic I suggested. You could more-explicitly reference Rosemary Kennedy, if you wanted to spice it up a little.

Finally, just a general formatting thing, just in case you're not aware. There's nothing wrong with using the advanced-format-style [option] system to post your draft to the forum, but please don't send it in to us using that form; it has a habit of badly mangling submissions.

[The Ice States]

The new option 3 is a bit better, but now feels a bit long overall - 120 words compared to our target 80. Could you cut it down a little bit? It's also a little hard to understand, in places - it's not obvious to me that the pencil-pushing-layman bit is supposed to be the surgeon "reflecting [option 1's] words back to them", as it were.

I have cut it down to 99 words -- I have also done the same for Options 1 and 2, at 87 and 79 respectively.

Option 4 is a little cliched, but that's hard to avoid considering you've just written to the topic I suggested. You could more-explicitly reference Rosemary Kennedy, if you wanted to spice it up a little.

Sure, I have done this; the option now explicitly names epilepsy in its text.

[SherpDaWerp]

That's a bit better. There are still a few wording tweaks I'd still make, but nothing that can't be ironed out in-edit.

If you're focusing on the contest it would pay to go over it with a fine-toothed comb and make sure the wording is as tight as you can get, but otherwise, looks good.

[Sedgistan]

It's a decent issue, but feels like it could have a little more satire/humour to it (though "sometimes it pays to get a lobotomy" and the scalpel bits are funny). As a starting point, I was surprised to see an issue on lobotomies / mental hospitals that didn't take the opportunity to reference One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. At the very least, the last character's name could reference Nurse Ratched.

[The Ice States]

I have made some grammar corrections (credit to The Macabees for helping with this).

It's a decent issue, but feels like it could have a little more satire/humour to it (though "sometimes it pays to get a lobotomy" and the scalpel bits are funny). As a starting point, I was surprised to see an issue on lobotomies / mental hospitals that didn't take the opportunity to reference One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. At the very least, the last character's name could reference Nurse Ratched.

I have named the character of the final option "Mildgreen Ratched" to reference that novel's character; I have also added an "owl mask" joke in the same option.

[The Ice States]

This will be submitted tomorrow!

[The Ice States]

As promised, submitted.