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Cup of Harmony 52 Everything Thread (Closed)

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Stachland and Minor Outlying Islands
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Postby Stachland and Minor Outlying Islands » Sun Jul 01, 2012 10:27 pm

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Stachland Reds

Staying Alive

by Witold Elliott


Though it was quite the fight, the Reds emerged victorious by a razor-thin margin against Kiryu-shi to advance to the quarterfinals of the Cup of Harmony since their very first appearance in the competition.

The first half proved to be an offensive slugfest, with five of six total goals being scored in those first forty-five minutes. Zachary Zeelowe would commence the battle in just the third minute, with a powerful shot that sped between opposing goalkeeper Kohei Yasumu that put the Reds up one to nil. He would have an opportunity to score his second goal of the match in what seemed to be only a few seconds, but Zeelowe’s fifth-minute attempt sailed above the goal, wasting an opportunity to gain a decisive lead in the opening minutes.

Kiryu-shi would not take long in equalizing, as forward Connor Boyle made a well-timed shot that found its way into the net past the Stachlandic defense in the fourteenth minute. They would claim their first lead of the night in the twentieth minute, as forward and former gymnast Samantha DeCastro would find the back of the net on a cross from midfielder Bob Libby.

“At that point in the match, it was evident that our defense was struggling, and that the offense would have to carry the squad if we had any hope of making it to the quarterfinals,” explained a relieved coach Theodore Czacki following the match. “In fact, our defense has been deficient throughout this Cup of Harmony. So our forwards and midfielders, they came into this match prepared for this sort of play.”

On a pass from Everett Lang, Janus Chambliss managed to draw the Reds level with their opponents at two goals apiece in the thirty-first minute, narrowly avoiding an offsides call and maneuvering past the Kiryu-shi defense in what was one of the best offensive plays of Chambliss’s career.

While it seemed that the teams would go to the locker rooms locked in a two-goal standoff, Kiryu-shi’s DeCastro would have other ideas, drawing a hard foul from Stachlandic defender Francia Mohling in the forty-fourth minute that earned her a penalty kick. She wouldn’t waste it, and her team would go into the half leading the Reds three goals to two.

“I wasn’t demonstrating the best judgment at that point in the match,” admitted Mohling. “Or, really, at any point in the match, considering what happened in the second half.”

As the second half began, the Reds launched a furious attack in an attempt to equalize, but the Kiryu-shi defense warded off each successive attempt, including one which may have been successful had it not been for an offsides call which went against Lyle Verdak.

“All of a sudden, it became a defensive struggle,” observed Czacki. “There were five goals in the first half. In the second half, neither side was scoring at all.”

At the other end of the pitch, Navering Pounchtal made a pair of impressive saves in the sixty-fifth and seventy-first minutes, while the rest of the Stachlandic defense finally seemed to pull themselves out of the slump which had resulted in allowing eight goals over four matches. The most important play in the Stachlandic half of the pitch, however, was a second impact between Mohling and DeCastro which resulted in a fight between the two players at the edge of the penalty box.

“Their girl obviously was venting her frustration when she took another hard tackle from Francia,” coach Czacki said. “Now, obviously, Francia escalated it—that much was clear enough—but they both got into it. All we can do is play our next match without her and hope she’s learned her lesson by the time she gets a chance to play for Stachland again.”

Ultimately, both would be sent off with bruises, split lips, and red cards, and play would resume with only ten players from Stachland and ten from Kiryu-shi.

The Reds would draw even with their opponents once more in the eighty-third minute, as Elzbieta Wolszan—who entered the match just eight minutes earlier to replace an exhausted Chambliss—snuck past the Kiryu-shi defense and received a focused pass from her cousin Jerce that she would deposit in the corner of the net.

With the match now tied at three goals apiece, play seemed confined to the midfield as each team played the final minutes of regulation cautiously, saving their energy for what each side hoped to be a decisive extra time.

As the extra time began, the Reds would rejuvenate their line-up, using their two remaining substitutions to bring on Michael Esterhazy in place of Ratin Beenum and Alicia FitzBelmont in place of Zachary Zeelowe. Kiryu-shi, similarly, would use their three substitutions to bring on forward Ritsu Shinabata, midfielder Melanie Griffith, and defender Carlos Hamamoto.

The Reds would launch their offensive first, taking shots on goal in the ninety-forth and ninety-sixth minutes that were expertly warded off by goalkeeper Yasumu. As the Stachlanders regrouped, Kiryu-shi’s offense would make its first major attempt, only to run into a suddenly solid Stachlandic defense and falter.

In the one hundred and tenth minute, Esterhazy would receive a yellow card for a tackle against midfielder Lidia Barnes—a foul which coach Czacki thought was unwarranted. “I understand the fouls against Francia earlier, of course. She made a couple of hard tackles and got into a fight, so she obviously, you know, deserved it. But Michael’s tackle wasn’t like that—it was hardly more than accidental, and she was perfectly fine afterwards.”

With Esterhazy playing cautiously, the Reds would find themselves in possession of the ball only rarely during the extra period—in fact, the Reds spent only twelve minutes, or forty percent of the full half hour, in possession of the ball after regulation had expired.

The only major threat by Kiryu-shi would come in the one hundred and seventeenth minute, as forward Tziganes d'Arányi would weave through the Stachlandic defense and receive the ball for what would have seemed to be a wide-open shot on goal. The whistle blew, however, and d'Arányi would be determined to be offsides, much to the relief of the Stachlandic fans.

With one hundred and twenty minutes of football played and the two exhausted teams still even at 3-3, the match proceeded into what would inevitably be its endgame: the penalty kick shootout. Shinabata, D'Arányi, Barnes, Griffith, and Feingold would be shooting for Kiryu-shi, while FitzBelmont, Esterhazy, Lang, Jerce Wolszan, and Verdak would do the same for Stachland.

“Only rarely have we been involved in shootouts,” admitted Lang after the match. “It’s quite a nervous situation. Everything can hinge on just a single kick.”

Neither squad’s first kick would find the back of the net, as both Yasumu and Pounchtal managed to deflect the opposition’s initial attempt. Both d'Arányi and Esterhazy managed to score, however, as would Barnes and Lang, while goals by Griffith and Wolszan would keep the two teams utterly even—3-3 in both goals and penalty kicks.

“It was excruciating,” noted Alicia FitzBelmont. “I suppose I did my part to needlessly increase that anxious feeling. If I could’ve made my shot at the beginning of the shootout, it would’ve been that much sooner that we could’ve all taken a deep breath and relaxed.”

Finally, on what was Kiryu-shi’s fifth shot in that penalty kick shootout, midfielder Will Feingold had his attempt deflected wide to the left by Pounchtal, leaving the match dependent on the result of Lyle Verdak’s penalty kick.

For those who are familiar with Stachlandic football, they might have guessed the result: Verdak rarely misses. His shot would drill past Yasumu to find the back of the net, securing the Reds a mentally and physically exhausting 4-3 penalty shootout victory in a match which was otherwise hard-fought and utterly evenly matched.

“It’s a great feeling, isn’t it?” mused coach Czacki. “We haven’t been in this position in quite a while. We rarely get the opportunity to advance very deep into these tournaments. We just might make the semifinals—of course, the next match will be a tough one.”

The Reds’ next match will be played against the monks of the Archregimancy, a team that is ranked thirtieth in the world and which is coming off a much less strenuous 1-0 victory over host nation Ancharmunn. The last time the two teams met, the Reds fell 4-2 in a playoff for entrance into World Cup 59.
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The Icemark
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The Icemark 3 - 1 Yesopalitha

Postby The Icemark » Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:52 am

Found in the ancient vaults of the citadel of Frostmarris:

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Turori
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Postby Turori » Mon Jul 02, 2012 2:58 am

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THE CASE OF THE SHRINKING STADIUMS
CoH Organizers look to minimize violence, pit Turori v. Audioslavia in Cup's Smallest Venues


There will be at least one unforgettable matchup in the Cup of Harmony Quarter Finals as the Turori Eels have been drawn against the Audioslavia Bulls in an Atlantian Oceania clash that will certainly have the attention of the 'slaves Jaffacaking lunatic of a spokesperson.

It may not, however, have the attention - or more specifically, attendance, of all the fans who might want to see the action in person - whether to watch the match or throw missiles at fans wearing the opposite kit. The Turori v. Audioslavia matchup has been marked to be played in the Perseverentia Saeculorum in Etoile, a 26,000 capacity arena smaller than one would reasonably expect for such a clash considering the stadiums that were provided for the Round of 16.

In fact, the two Yesopalithan Quarter Final venues are the smallest being used in the Yesopalitha half of the draw, with only the Free Stone Stadium in Aels being a smaller venue in the whole competition - but not a Quarter Final venue.

Animosity between Turori and Audioslavia is an odd existence. By default, there is animosity between Turori and Audioslavia, due to the relationship that Turori shares with its larger neighbor Vilita. However, due to the unquestionable animosity that the Audioslavians project towards the Tropics of Vilita (Oddly, Vilitan's only have very fond memories of matchups against the Slaves...), the Eels have never really bore the brunt of that anger.

The story may change now that the two Atlantian Oceania nations prepare to clash in the Quarter Finals of the 52nd Cup of Harmony. There can only be one winner, previous recent matches between the entities have been mixed affairs. Audioslavia, reigning champions of the Atlantian Oceania Cup of Association Football, did so by defeating every national entry it faced in the competition at least once... bar Vilita & Turori who held the Bulls to a 1-1 draw during the group stage and never getting the chance to square off again to settle the score.
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There will be no draws in Etoile as one will progress and another will go home. Surely the Eels believe that it should be the Bulls going home early, as they may want to get back to their measly little plot of land in Atlantian Oceania early in case the one they call King Búa starts setting eyes on disturbing such a forsaken island en route to something slightly more appealing, even to the less than typical mix of forms under Búa's reign.

It appears as if the puney Audioslav' Island finds itself close to the epicenter of the epic event, and would see moderate damage from seismic and Tsunami activity. Nearby Islands may disappear, so the players may want to get home quick, allowing the Eels an easy passage.

As for the match at hand, One Jeremy Jaffacake appears so confident of victory that he has made no allocation for the possibility that the Turori Eels would score a single goal in the match.

But the Football Association of Turori was already a step ahead.

Despite being handed only 7,000 tickets for the match, the Football Association of Turori has reportedly handed out 10,000 scarves with the text "Jaffacake Sucks" to the Turorian fans who were leaving the Round of 16 matchup with Darmen, so they are prepared for a proper celebration after each of the many goals the Eels will score on the way to knocking the Bulls back to Atlantian Oceania where they belong.

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Last edited by Turori on Mon Jul 02, 2012 3:25 am, edited 3 times in total.
<Silexhera> Why does Turori make sense? :p

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Audioslavia
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Postby Audioslavia » Mon Jul 02, 2012 8:55 am

DRUG CHEAT
Fringe Audioslavia Star Tests Positive for Hammers


For months there have been questions as to what exactly the Bulls are being fed; a question all the more apparent after last night's extra-time victory over Capivara Group.

The Bulls, second best over ninety minutes despite their rank advantage over the debutant C.G. team, had managed to grab a goal against the run of play with ten minutes to go of the ninety and, deep into the second period of extra time, forced two strikes past the Capivaran goalkeeper and a fatigued defence.

The failure of Audioslavia's players to tire even in the depths of extra time was rumoured to have forced the WCC's hand in paying closer attention to the Bulls players for the 'random' drug tests, for which five Audioslavia footballers were called up.

Substitute Zuzen Holai's test came back positive.

'Hammers' is hardly a difficult drug to spot. Whereas some drugs, like nandrolone and exospackamorphbutts, disappear from urine and blood samples only hours after use. 'Hammers' users have no such use. The drug is at least seven inches long, heavy with a large, firm steel head, and is difficult to hide in the sports bag of even the craftiest athlete. Holai admitted his guilt immediately on production of the offending hammer - used to increase bone fractures in thumbs and thereby increasing the adrenaline in the bloodstream - and was sent home from Audioslavia's camp in the early hours of this morning.

It remains to be seen what action the World Cup Committee will take on the player, and the Audioslavia squad as a whole, but it is believed that, as the player has yet to make an appearance in the Audioslavian first eleven at any level, that punishment to the Bulls team and the FFA will be lenient, and should not affect their upcoming encounter against Turori in any way.

IBJJ, G'NB

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The Archregimancy
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Postby The Archregimancy » Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:34 am

THE MONASTIC TIMES

FIRED-UP MONKS DEFEAT HERETICS
Result a "Warning" to Those Who Would Denounce Orthodoxy


By Fr. Nicholas the Scribe

The Cup of Harmony was last night treated to a rare sight: a fired-up Archregimancy squad actually trying to win following provocative comments from local heretical so-called priest "Fr MacGuire".

A senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity, agreed that the Monastic Republic's squad had been inspired to prove the local schismatic clergy wrong. "Clearly the only heretics in Ancharmunn are the followers of the Freemason-loving Pope of Rome" said the Archimandrite. "On such issues as the monarchical claims of the Papacy, the Pope of Rome's frankly bizarre claims to infallibility when pronouncing ex cathedra on matters of doctrine, the introduction of the filioque into the creed without a full ecumenical council, the so-called 'immaculate conception', purgatory, and sundry other issues, their fallacies are both manifold and obvious; I doubt I need to explain their errors further. This result is a warning to those who would denounce Orthodoxy; the only people who are going to be running around denouncing the opposition around here are us."

Sources close to the team also noted that anyone who preferred kittens over panda cubs was clearly 'deranged'.

Although the Archregimancy only scored one goal, scored by Fr James in the 15th minute, Fr James was particularly impressive, narrowly edging out Fr James as man of the match. Fr James was also solid in goal. Fr James praised his players for their "inspired play" after the match, brushing aside accusations that the team had failed to show sufficient monastic humility by noting that "humility is unnecessary against heretics who proudly flaunt their theological errors".

The Archregimancy's next opposition is Stachland, a team nicknamed the 'Reds'. The team is currently attempting to ascertain whether this is an innocent reference to the team colours - in which case the Monastic Republic will show appropriate humility, and will do their best to lose against a no-doubt worthy Stachlandic squad - or is a reference to the colours of militant atheist Bolshevik socialism, in which case the monks will do their utmost to strike a mighty blow for Orthodoxy.
Last edited by The Archregimancy on Tue Jul 03, 2012 10:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Audioslavia
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Postby Audioslavia » Tue Jul 03, 2012 8:56 am

Emmanuel Portico held his hand, palm up, next to the DJ long enough for the spikey-haired vinyl-spinner to clock it and give it a hearty 'slap', before departing the make-shift stage to applause from those not holding drinks and nods from those with. He looked around and laid his eyes on the Audioslavian/Krytenian table, but through the crowded pub he could see only... what was it? It appeared to be a large-ish glass of gin and tonic, loaded with ice and lime, being held in the air and jangling from side to side.
Emmanuel made his way through the crowd until, finally, he saw Rubio Sanchez with his hand raised, holding the glass in question. The five faces beamed at him as he approached the table.
"For me?" enquired the Karditani with a grin.
"Of course!" cried Rubio, "bravo, sir". Emmanuel took the drink.
"Nothing in this, is there?" said Emmanuel, with a raised eyebrow at Jeremy, "except for the gin, tonic and lime, of course. I don't want to be downing Exospackamorphbutts in the middle of a major tournament"
"From the looks of Karditan's matchday one result, you should have taken some of that yesterday" said Jeremy, before sticking his tongue out at his occasional verbal sparring partner. "Anyway" continued Jeremy, "where are my manners. Guys, this is Emmanuel Portico, the suave and dashingly handsome goalkeeper for the Karditani national football team and an acquaintance of mine. We've done each other a few... favours... and a few.... anti-favours... in the past. Emmanuel, you've met my glamorous assistant Rubio, this is my boss, Cleo Phillips, esteemed senior hack for the Emberton Post. To her right is Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips, her husband, my biological son, former striker for the Krytenian national team and former manager of former Silexhera. The guy has form, of course. At the other side of the table is Martin Rey, he's a photographer for Krytenia's shit-rag The Cy'un and this guy here..." - the 'this' accompanied with a return of the hearty slap on the back - "is one Rameses Niblick the Third, nee Daniel Whealdon, a good friend of mine."
"Delighted to meet you all. Mind if I join you?"
"Go ahead" nodded most of the table. Emmanuel plonked himself down on a free seat, with Jerome, Cleo and Rubio opposite, Rami to his immediate right and Jeremy and Martin on opposite ends of the table.
"How did you know about the piss thing? We were literally just talking about it before we saw you get on stage..." asked Jeremy, with a frown. Emmanuel tapped his nose.
"You could smell it?" asked Rubio
"No. Well, I can smell something that vaguely reminds me of piss, but I assume that's Mr. Jaffacake's unmistable... musk"
"I prefer the term 'fermentation' said Jeremy, without missing a beat. "Anyway, what were we taling about?"
"You two should play each other" said Rubio, nodding towards the board and centering each chess piece onto their allotted square. Rubio looked up and glanced between Jeremy and Rami. A pained "noo!" was heard from the other side of the table, where Cleo and Jerome Jaffacake-Phillips were sat.
"Yeah, that's probably a bad idea" said Rami with a wry smile. His and Jeremy's eyes met, and the pair held each other's gaze for a split-second longer than would be natural for two peers or acquaintances seated next to each other at a table. What was in that look? Rami took a sip of his drink and thought for a second as Jeremy and Rubio discussed something amongst themselves, arguing about chess or whatnot.
Not hatred. Not fear, not anything antagonistic. Jeremy seemed almost... serene. Serene? No. Zen. Calm. Rami knew better than to assume the fact that there was nothing going on with Jeremy's facial expressions meant there was nothing going on with his brain either. Jeremy was never calm, he was calm and calculating.
"Is there anything you've ever been good at, Jeremy?" asked Rubio, leaning back into his chair and folding his arms. Rami snapped out of his inner monologue and looked over at Jeremy.
"Writing, you cheeky git. And the 'dark arts' of course. Lockpicking, philandering, libelling, that sort of thing"
"I mean games. Chess, Backgammon, Go, Rugby, anything. You've told me countless times how rubbish a footballer you were as a young Audioslav"
Jeremy looked thoughtful for a few seconds, before breaking into a massive, mischevious grin. Rubio turned to give Rami a quizzical, 'what on earth can he be thinking about now'?"
Jeremy turned to Rami...

...to be continued

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Ancharmunn
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Postby Ancharmunn » Tue Jul 03, 2012 9:20 am

Quarter-finals
The Icemark 0–3 Qazox
Audioslavia 3–1 Turori

Semi-final fixture
Qazox vs. Audioslavia (The Sacred Heart, 144,000 , Freedom's Altar)
I'm not on the Greenwich Meridian so my time is a few seconds behind. Bear that in mind.

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Taeshan
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Postby Taeshan » Tue Jul 03, 2012 1:50 pm

Knights To Compete in CoH Quarter-Final


Currently they are just three games away from a second Cup of Harmony title. The coveted 33rd placed team in the world trophy. The first time the Knights captured the title was 34 years ago at Coh 37, to date it is the only major senior championship the purple and gold have managed to put in their dusty trophy case. With two semi-finalists already decided and to more two be decided tonight its going to be an interesting day for Taeshani football.


They had to get to the quarter final first. They did it by winning their third game against Legalese in team history, in their third match ever against their opponents. The final score like both previous matches ended with a two goals for the Knights and zero for their opponents. The two goals came from the newest stater Ender Wiggin and striker Ezekiel Catamount.


The big test though comes tonight. Their opponents sit on the same continent the islands of Taeshan are somewhat close to. They are an opponent the Knights beat once before in a playoff for the World Cup finals. So there is not little to play for in this game. Civil Citizenry has played the Knights twice before. Once in that final which the Knights won after 120 minutes of scoreless play after penalties, and another the Knights failed to win. I can assure you in the end though that if it goes to penalties, there may be hell to pay if we win again.
Last edited by Taeshan on Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:53 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Champions - Copa Rushmori 22, Cup of Harmony 35, Di Bradini Cup 19, World Baseball Classic 13, Gridiron World Championships (World Bowl 0), World Bowl 34, World Lacrosse Championship 2

World Cup Qualifications-41, 44, 46, 59, 61(RoS), 62(Quarterfinals), 63 (RoS), 64 (Quarterfinals), 83, 84 (RoS), 85, 87

Hosts-Cup of Harmony 55, Copa Rushmori 14, Sporting World Cup 10,
Quidditch World Cup 10, World Cup of Hockey 41, World Cup 87

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Wight
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The Great Remove, Part Three

Postby Wight » Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:40 pm

.
Last edited by Wight on Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:40 am, edited 3 times in total.
::: WIGHT :::
BECAUSE REASONS

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Qazox
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Postby Qazox » Tue Jul 03, 2012 6:46 pm

QAZOX at the 52nd Cup of Harmony


Sooner or later, statistically, it had to happen. No team can go 133 years without a semifinal appearance, right? Until tonight, Qazox was that team. 133 years ago Qazox played its' first international match, a 1-0 win over Atheistic Right. If I told the founders of the QFA that they would not see Qazox reach a semifinal in any event for this long, odds are they would've either laughed at me or decided not to create a football team in the first place.

A pair of goals from Danile Spaatz in the first 30 minutes (18th and 30th) gave Qazox a 2-0 lead over Icemark, as Daniel Totten, who started for Eve Wallace as Wallace has been barely effective in the CoH so far; stopped 11 shots on net. With the clock running down, Tomas Vera, who came into the match in the 73rd minute for Doreen Dobbs; slammed home Qazox' third goal in the 84th minute. When that goal hit the back of the net, the 17,000 Eagles fans started a chant: YES! YES! YES! that lasted well past the final whistle.

But Qazox has a tough test in front of them, as they will face a team as historically snake-bit as the Eagles have been: Audioslavia. Audioslavia's been to multiple World Cup finals, and after a few years of not being a part of the international football scene; they've won a Baptism of Fire and an AOCAF title. And Audioslavia's never lost in a semifinal match...EVER. A team that's never lost at this stage against a team that's never been at this stage before, sounds like a mismatch.

But since the stunning loss to Capivara Group, Qazox' dispatched four straight teams that, ranking-wise, are better than Audioslavia. But this World Cup cycle and Cup of Harmony have seen things we've not seen before. Will we see Audioslavia lose in a semifinal, and see the most stunning sight of all-time: The Eagles in a Final or will the demons once again strike Qazox? In three nights, we will find out the answer to that question.

SCHEDULE:
Matchday 1: Capivara Group #134 L 0-3
Matchday 2: Western Cuba #72 W 3-2
Matchday 3: Mapletish #64 W 1-0
Round of 16: Wight #41 W 5-3
Quarterfinals: The Icemark #56 W 3-0
Semifinals: Audioslavia #83
Wikipage/Qazox National Football Team
Qualified for World Cups 31, 33, 35-50, 54-59, 61, 62. Runners-up: CoH 52
Baptism of Fire 44 (w/Mangolana); World Baseball Classics 1, 4, 5, 10, 13 and 23; World Cup of Hockey 7 and 14; World Bowls IV & IX; IBC X; Baptism of Iron III and VIII; NSCAA Tourney II, III (conferences/regionals), The OXEN Cup; the TOUR de QAZOX, Qazoxian Sports Festival and NS X-Games/Winter X-Games I.
World Cups of Hockey 4 & 6; World Baseball Classics 6, 8 and 9, World Bowls 3 and XXI; Draggonnii Inviyatii V, IBC XI
xkcd 1110 (zoomable!)

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Yesopalitha
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Postby Yesopalitha » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:02 pm

Quarterfinal Results
The Archregimancy 6–3 Stachland
Civil Citizenry 0–0 Taeshan (0–1 AET)

Semifinal:
The Archregimancy vs. Taeshan @ Eilifint Bhán National Stadium – Ballyfeeaknock – 53,683
Last edited by Yesopalitha on Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Motto: Perseverantia saeculorum Note: I prefer to be known as YSP over YES if you use abbreviations.
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Audioslavia
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Postby Audioslavia » Tue Jul 03, 2012 7:10 pm

Will Bulls Repeal Law of Four?
Audioslavia Underdogs for Qazox Showdown Despite Record


Audioslavia in Major Semi-Finals
World Cup 12 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 4-3 Commerce Heights
World Cup 19 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 0-0 Dance2Revolution (0-0 AET, Audioslavia win 4-3 on penalties)
World Cup 20 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 5-3 Squornshelous
World Cup 29 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 3-2 Krytenia
Baptism of Fire 46 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 0-0 Cowardly Pacifists (1-1 AET, Audioslavia win 3-2 on penalties)
AOCAF 34 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 1-0 Andossa se Mitrin Vega
AOCAF 35 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 3-2 Kagdazka and Pazhujebu
Cup of Harmony 52 Semi-Final: Audioslavia ?-? Qazox

Wider Audioslavia in Minor Tournament Semi-Finals
Eagles Cup 5 Semi-Final: Audioslavia 1-0 The Belmore Family
Jeremy Jaffacake Invitational Tournament Semi-Final: Audioslavia 1-0 <opposition lost to history>
Mike Sarzo Memorial Trophy 4 Semi-Final: Silexhera 3-0 Sarzonia

Played ten, won ten: That is the astonishing record of Audioslavia in the final four of football tournaments. There are caveats to that record, of course. The [i]Bulls are rumoured to have participated in another Eagles Cup semi-final, the records of which have been mislayed over the years, and Bulls junior teams have a 1-1 record in semi-finals of the old Under 21 World Cup.

If only Audioslavia's record in actual finals was half as impressive.

Nevertheless, the Bulls will look to increase their tally of final-four victories to eleven on Saturday in a mouthwatering encounter with pre-tournament favourites Qazox.

Qazox's own record in major footballing tournaments is less than exemplary. Before this week, the furthest the Qazoxians had travelled in their tournament endeavours was the quarter-final stage, having reached the last eight of their Baptism of Fire tournament, World Cups 41, 48, 49 and 58 and the 21st and 24th incarnations of the Cup of Harmony, losing on every occasion. Qazox's own record renders their three-goal thrashing of Icemark all the more impressive - a result that sparked riotous celebrations in Qazox City.

In terms of folk memories, Qazox will have a nose-bleed coming into this semi-final. Audioslavia will be fliling their nails and booking their plane tickets for the final already.

It's only when you brush history to one side - Qazox are 0-0-2 in two games against the Audioslavians, too, but going back a number of years - that you realise the extent to which Audioslavia are underdogs for this match.

Qazox, for all their high-profile tournament capitulations, came into the Cup of Harmony as the unluckiest of the non-qualifiers and with a heady ranking of 17th in the world - the only Cup of Harmony nation ranked amongst the world's top twenty. Audioslavia, by contrast, lie 83rd in the rankings after two disappointing World Cup qualifying campaigns since their return to the scene. A quick glance at the Qazox roster reveals half of the first team are household names, whilst in the Audioslavia lineup perhaps only the talents Weverton Sporadic and Mantzio Janssens are heralded outside of the borders of the motherland.

There are no two ways about it: Qazox are bgger, stronger, more talented and better trained. The Bulls might be able to argue an advantage in stamina and/or speed, but in a one-off game the crack Qazox outfit is expected to be victorious.

In footballing terms, the battle is between Qazox and themselves.

IBJJ, G'NB

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The Archregimancy
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Postby The Archregimancy » Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:38 am

OOC - I have shamelessly stolen several ideas from the WCDT; my thanks to Audioslavia, Starblaydia, FSSO and Stachland (and his Minor Outlying Islands)

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MILITANT ATHEISTIC SOCIALISTS CRUSHED
"Mighty Victory for Orthodoxy" Sees Archregimancy Reach Cup of Harmony Semis


By Fr Nicholas the Scribe

An inspired Archregimancy squad reached the semi-finals of the Cup of Harmony last night following a free-wheeling 6-3 victory over the militant atheistic socialists of Stachland, commonly known as the 'Reds'.

Goals for Frs James, James, and James, an unprecedented hattrick from Fr James, and an atheist's fear of crosses on the part of Stachland goalkeeper Navering Pounchtal saw the Archregimancy lording it over the outmatched opposition.

Following the game, team manager Fr James admitted that Frs James and James had been taking instruction from obscure and long-forgotten Starblaydi Orthodox footballer Fr Juan the Fifth Takilan, best known (in so far as anyone remembered him at all) for a fabulous goal against Rejistania in World Cup 47 qualification. "We had to pluck him out of the Ordinary Reality space-time continuum" said Fr James "but we felt that, being a mundy himself, he might be able to give the team a fresh perspective on how to unpick a militant atheist defence".

Other long-term observers of Archregimancy football were still speaking this morning in hushed tones about some of the Archregimancy's goals. While there can be little doubt that the monastic republic's squad deserved to win, some of the six goals seemed to have been almost miraculous in execution. The fifth goal in particular had even the most hide-bound of hermits whispering of divine intervention; as forward Fr James placed himself in a wonderful position for a pass, and right winger FrJames made a jaunty run up the wing which no Stachland player picked up, Fr James instead quixotically passed the ball long to Fr James (the other striker, who was - at that moment - shielding his eyes from the braying masses of atheistic and heretical ladypopulace in the stands), doing so with the outside of his left foot, with his eyes closed. The ball bounced off the left buttock of the oblivious lady-shy Fr James, and past a despairing wrong-footed Pounchtal. At that very moment, the clouds parted, and a single shaft of sunlight beamed down on the Archregimancy bench, prettily reflecting off the gilded icons decorating the dug-out.

Fr James' dazzling first half lob volley from just inside the Archregimancy half, catching out Pounchtal as he cleared the ball from the left of his penalty area following an off-side call, was another particular highlight.

Fr James later admitted that defence was still a concern as the team had conceded three, with Frs James, James, James and James - not to mention goalkeeper Fr James - perhaps needing to tighten up at the back. Nonetheless, Fr James admitted that any team as committed to an all-out attack on militant atheism as the Archregimancy was last night was bound to leave its back four exposed.

Following the team's triumph over Catholic schismatic heretics and militant atheistic socialists over the last two games, the Archregimancy now looks forward to displaying proper monastic humility, and losing to Taeshan in the semi-finals.
Last edited by The Archregimancy on Thu Jul 05, 2012 1:40 am, edited 3 times in total.

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Audioslavia
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Postby Audioslavia » Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:13 am

"Have you ever played the game 'questions'?" asked Jeremy, after taking a careful sip of his virgin Burung Brew.
"Questions?" asked Rami.
"Have you never heard of it?" asked Jeremy, again the general direction of Rami Niblick.
"Er, apparently not" replied Rami. He'd barely gotten to the end of the sentence before he saw the glint in Jeremy's eye. Rubio groaned.
"Statement. Fifteen - love. Are you sure there's no equivalent to 'Questions' in Krytenia?"
Rami looked blank.
"Fifteen - love?"
"Didn't you hear me the first time?" asked Jeremy, grinning. Rubio leant back in his chair and folded his arms. Rami looked at Rubio, then back at Jeremy.
"Hesitation. Twenty - love. Have you figured it out yet?"
"Figured what out? That you know ****-all about tennis? It's thirty-love after twenty-love."
"Answered own question. Forty - love"
"It's called 'politicians' in Krytenia, Rami" said Rubio, helpfully. Rami opened his mouth as if to say 'Yeah, I'm beginning to catch on' but was interrupted by Jeremy, continuing his service game:
"You mean, Krytenian politicians are liars too? How can anyone tell the difference between politician Krytenians and regular Krytenians?"
A pained expression waxed onto Rami's face. Nothing to do with the insult, but the seasoned hack was struggling to get his brain into gear for the game. He looked like he wasn't entirely sure whether he wanted to play in the first place.
"Fault" said Rubio, coming to Rami's rescue, "that was two questions. Second serve"
"Does Krytenian 'politicians' have second serves?" asked Jeremy
"They can only serve for two terms, yeah" said Rami. "I mean.."
"Statement, and bad attempt at a joke. Forty - Love. Jesus christ Rami you're rubbish. Did you never play this game in journalism college?"
"You went to journalism college?" retorted Rami
"Was that a question?"
"Was that an evasion?"
"Do evasions count as faults?"
"Not for a politician... damn"
"Game, Jaffacake. Jesus, Rami, if anyone was going to fall into the trap of using lame jokes as comebacks I'd have thought it would be me."
"Is it my serve?" asked Rami
"Yeah"
"Statement. Fifteen-love. Game on[/i, Mr. Jaffacake, [i]game on. Rami grinned at Jeremy and graciously welcomed the polite smattering applause of Rubio and a very entertained looking Emmanuel Portico, who was reclined on the seat next to Rami and sipping his gin with the air of a seasoned hedonist. Rami refused to look across the table where his daughter was sitting, fearing the glare.
"Where did you learn to play this game?" asked Rami, trying to forget about his peripheral vision.
"Did you not hear me tell you about the journalism school?"
"Do you honestly expect me to believe you went to journalism school?"
"Does it not shine through in my magnificent copy?"
"Do you expect me to actually read the Emberton Post?
"I don't even expect you to know how to re.... ah"
"Thirty - love, and not thirty seconds after chastising me for falling into the same trap. Shit... wait what time is it?"
"I'm not falling for that one"
"You just did. What's that, game Niblick, 1-1?"
"No, it's forty - love you dumb..."
"Statement, game Niblick, 1-1. Turns out I was right after all."
Jeremy took a sip of his beer. Without taking his eyes off Rami, who was expecting some kind of serve, he leaned over towards Rubio.
"I wish to god this beer had alcohol in it" he whispered.
"Be strong, friend, be strong. Your serve"
"Know what I just said to Rubio?" asked Jeremy
"Did you ask him to define the word 'compassion' because you've never used it before?"
"Was that a poorly timed and poorly executed insult?"
"You..er.. should you be familiar with those?" asked Rami, hoping no-one noticed the stutter
"Was that even a question?" asked a bemused Jeremy, glancing over to Rubio to ajudicate. Rubio was having none of it.
"Did it end with an upwards intonation and an implied question mark?" asked Rami
"Is that all one needs to make up a valid reply in a rally?"
"Why don't you go ask 'hawkeye', hmm?" said, or rather, questioned Rami. Jeremy glanced over to Emmanuel. Rami followed his gaze. Emmanuel Portico took the glass from his lips and frowned at the two of them.
"Why on earth am *I* playing the part of 'Hawkeye'". Rami and Jeremy both looked like they wanted to say something - Jeremy most likely wanting to make some kind of animal joke - but neither said anything for fear of giving up the point. Rubio sighed.
"Well, why not. We're not expecting you to provide the guys with immediate digital video replays or anything. What do you think? Should 'You.. er.. should you be etc etc' count as a valid question? Or should Rami lose the point?"
Emmanuel shrugged. He thought for a moment. A wry smile appeared on his face. He took an ice-cube from his glass and held it up for everyone to see.
"This is the ball" said Emmanuel. "That line in the table, caused by the two tables being pushed together, is the base-line. If the ice-cube lands on our side of the table, then the reply was 'in', if it lands on the other side of the divide, then the reply was 'out'."
Bemused looks all round. Emmanuel lobbed the ice-cube into the air. It bounced on or around the line in the table before skittering and sliding off the other side and into Rubio's lap. The four men peered over to see where the wet mark on the table was.
"You boys" said Cleo, her arms folded, "you're, what, fifty, sixty years old, the pair of you? Nearer two-hundred in real terms. Don't you get tired of all.."
"It's over the line!" said Jeremy, victoriously, as oblivious to Cleo as Rami was as he sank back into his seat in despair. "Out! Oh double-u tee out! Love fifteen! Or should we replay the point?"
"If it happened in the middle of the rally then yes, we should replay the point"
"Statement. Love - thirty. We aint replaying shit, Niblick. I smell a break of serve coming on..."
Rami looked to Rubio and Emmanuel in protest. Emmanuel shrugged again. Rubio nodded.
"The point went to Jeremy, I'm afraid. I'd dock him a point for bad sportsmanship but, hey, if I started doing that we'd be here all night."

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Ancharmunn
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Postby Ancharmunn » Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:35 am

Semi-final
Qazox 1–1 Audioslavia (3–1 AET)


Third place play-off
Audioslavia vs. tbc (Eilifint Bhán National Stadium, Ballyfeeaknock, 53,683)

Final
Qazox vs. tbc (The Sacred Heart, Freedom's Altar, 144,000)
I'm not on the Greenwich Meridian so my time is a few seconds behind. Bear that in mind.

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Taeshan
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Postby Taeshan » Fri Jul 06, 2012 9:57 am

X Island Inquirer


May i suggest the next time you and your friends go galavanting out to a football match to make sure it is not one that is between the sides of Civil Citizenry and Taeshan. For the second straight meeting between the two they managed to not have a single goal scored through 90 minutes of play in a knockout match and as such went to extra time. Thankfully though extra time was all that was needed in this one as the result was decided before penalties were needed. In the end a late overtime goal was all that kept the Knights from giving the fans a needed check of their hearts and their opponents another loss to the Knights in penalties to complain about.


To be fair not much from the game grants the need to talk about it. Besides the late goal the activity can mostly be described as non-existent, and when it did exist it was barely descript enough for description. The loan goal came in the 111th minute off of the head of Ezekiel Catamount, who nicely slotted away the ball from a Maxwell Svenson corner. It was a few seconds of excitement in the otherwise dull game and was all that was needed to advance the Knights.


After the second meeting between the two great defenses in recent years the Knights now have a semi-final game against seed number two overall The Archregimancy. The winner gets Qazox in a final that will probably be talked about for years to come. In four previous meetings between the Knights and the Monks the Knights have a sub par record of 1-1-2. All three wins in the serious have been of 1 goals to nil so it can be expected that we are in for another barnburner on the scoring side of things. Sarcasm aside, i for one am excited to see two masterful teams play out a big game that could mean wonders for the tournament final. I also would relish a chance to face Qazox in the final, Qazox is a big rival of the Knights which dates to before the nation was transported to Rushmore. The next game shall be one of great importance.
Champions - Copa Rushmori 22, Cup of Harmony 35, Di Bradini Cup 19, World Baseball Classic 13, Gridiron World Championships (World Bowl 0), World Bowl 34, World Lacrosse Championship 2

World Cup Qualifications-41, 44, 46, 59, 61(RoS), 62(Quarterfinals), 63 (RoS), 64 (Quarterfinals), 83, 84 (RoS), 85, 87

Hosts-Cup of Harmony 55, Copa Rushmori 14, Sporting World Cup 10,
Quidditch World Cup 10, World Cup of Hockey 41, World Cup 87

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Yesopalitha
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Postby Yesopalitha » Fri Jul 06, 2012 4:53 pm

HVR - After Cup of Harmony

We lost.

3-1 was the final score. The Icemark defeated us. It was a great half, and then we just fell apart in the second.

But we lost in more ways than one.

Daniel passed away... and the news messed with our heads, I won't even lie. Even the fans got emotional.

Such an innocent, sweet kid... Why?

We started out this Cycle looking for a berth. We didn't get it. What we got instead was another Round of Sixteen exit in the Cup of Harmony. And a dead friend.

I don't know where we'll go from here...

HVR out... RIP DP.

Short RP on purpose due to this being like a journal entry. DP will be touched more in later RPs.
Motto: Perseverantia saeculorum Note: I prefer to be known as YSP over YES if you use abbreviations.
Proud Original Member of Mystria

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Yesopalitha
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Postby Yesopalitha » Fri Jul 06, 2012 7:30 pm

Who will stay in Ancharmunn and face Audioslavia in the Third Place match, and who will travel to Yesopalitha to face Qazox in the finals? Cutoff!

Ancharmunn Region Semi Final

The Archregimancy 0–0 Taeshan (0–0 AET) (3–2 pen.)

Third Place Play-Off
Audioslavia vs. Taeshan @ Eilifint Bhán National Stadium – Ballyfeeaknock – 53,683 Scorinated July 7 @ 1900 PDT

Championship
Qazox vs. The Archregimancy @ The Sacred Heart - Freedom's Altar - 144,000 Scorinated July 8 @ 1800 BST
Last edited by Yesopalitha on Fri Jul 06, 2012 7:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Motto: Perseverantia saeculorum Note: I prefer to be known as YSP over YES if you use abbreviations.
Proud Original Member of Mystria

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Qazox
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Postby Qazox » Fri Jul 06, 2012 8:08 pm

QAZOX at the 52nd Cup of Harmony


When you've been a fan or even a casual follower of the Qazoxian national team, you re used to seeing four things happen every World Cup cycle. #1- The team will have a winning record. #2 There will be one match in the group stage that Qazox will lose to a team that they should have beaten soundly. #3- They will fall in the the knockout round. #4- If a knockout match goes into extra time or penalties, Qazox will find a way to lose.

So how do you explain what the fans and followers are seeing in the 52nd cup of Harmony? We've seen #1 and #2, but #3 and #4 have yet to make an appearance so far. This could either mean one of two things, as most fans are probably thinking. A, what only a handful probably are thinking: that the team has finally overcome whatever demons have plagued them for 133 years or B, the thought most of the fans are thinking: how will we screw this up now?

The weight of history is rampant in the international game. There are regions, teams and players you expect certain things out of and one of those certain things was: Audioslavia doesn't lose in a semifinal. 10-0-0. Qazox, has never even sniffed a semifinal, except for the last two Draggonnii Inviyattiis and a handful of Oxen Cups. And for 73 minutes, it looked like the Bulls would be 11-0-0. A goal from Marc Vauvenargues in the 39th minute gave the Bulls a 1-0 lead, and Qazox could not break through a defense that has been underrated by many this World Cup cycle.

But in the 70th minute, Karim Zaki sent in both Marsha Tanner and Soai Fu'anuoa for Mikayla Cuthbert and Issac MacDonald, the two oldest players on the Eagles' team. The infusion of youth and speed would prove to be the spark Qazox needed. Just 3 minutes after the pair came in, they hooked up for the tying goal, as Tanner tipped home a Fu'anuoa pass that Anthony Newbridge just missed. As the final whistle drew near, Tanner missed a shot just inches wide of the net. So the match would go to Extra Time.

But this time, no flukey goal or bad call or misplayed back pass would doom Qazox. Just 2 minutes in, Tanner found Daniel Spaatz who sliced it in off the near post for Qazox' first lead of the match 2-1. After a set of attacks by the Bulls, Fuanuoa found Juila McDaniels alone in the middle, setting off a 4-on-2 break, ending with Doreen Dobbs slamming home a goal in the 98th minute, making it 3-1 Qazox. For the next 22 minutes, as Qazoxian fans everywhere sat upon the edge of their seats, the Eagles withstood everything Audioslavia sent at them. Shots from the corner of the box, daring crosses cleared away and even seeing Newbridge come up to launch a shot form 50 yards out. But nothing went in, as Eve Wallace and the three remaining defenders: Juila McDaniels, Olivia Venza and Anna Paul stood like a stonewall and finally the whistle blew.

Now Qazox takes that last step, a WCC tourney final; and once again another one of the most historic international teams stand in the way: The Archregimancy. A team Qazox is 0-2-2 against all time. A team, much like Qazox, is known for their failures at the highest levels. So at the 52nd Cup of Harmony, a historic victory will occur for a long-suffering nation; and yet another soul-crushing loss awaits the other nation.

SCHEDULE:
Matchday 1: Capivara Group #134 L 0-3
Matchday 2: Western Cuba #72 W 3-2
Matchday 3: Mapletish #64 W 1-0
Round of 16: Wight #41 W 5-3
Quarterfinals: The Icemark #56 W 3-0
Semifinals: Audioslavia #83 W 1-1 (3-1 AET)
FINAL: The Archregimancy #30
Wikipage/Qazox National Football Team
Qualified for World Cups 31, 33, 35-50, 54-59, 61, 62. Runners-up: CoH 52
Baptism of Fire 44 (w/Mangolana); World Baseball Classics 1, 4, 5, 10, 13 and 23; World Cup of Hockey 7 and 14; World Bowls IV & IX; IBC X; Baptism of Iron III and VIII; NSCAA Tourney II, III (conferences/regionals), The OXEN Cup; the TOUR de QAZOX, Qazoxian Sports Festival and NS X-Games/Winter X-Games I.
World Cups of Hockey 4 & 6; World Baseball Classics 6, 8 and 9, World Bowls 3 and XXI; Draggonnii Inviyatii V, IBC XI
xkcd 1110 (zoomable!)

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Wight
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New York Times Democracy

The Great Remove, Part Four

Postby Wight » Sat Jul 07, 2012 8:12 am

.
Last edited by Wight on Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
::: WIGHT :::
BECAUSE REASONS

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Yesopalitha
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Yesopalitha » Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:53 pm

Third Place Play Off

Audioslavia 0–1 Taeshan
Last edited by Yesopalitha on Sat Jul 07, 2012 7:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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The Archregimancy
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Postby The Archregimancy » Sun Jul 08, 2012 1:24 am

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MFA PRAISES TAESHAN EFFORT
Confusion Over 'Penalties' Leads to Unfortunate Monastic Victory


By Fr Nicholas the Scribe

The Monastic Football Association put out a statement last night praising the Taeshan national team for not allowing the Archregimancy to win their Cup of Harmony semifinal in normal time, or in the 30 minutes of extra time.

"We would like to clarify that the fact we eventually won anyway" said a senior archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity "was not the fault of these brave heathens and heretics, who have demonstrated that seeds of the Word might inhabit the most unlikely and unpromising of opposing worldviews".

In what was later described by neutral media sources as "one of the most boring and sterile football matches ever witnessed in any World Cup Committee-sponsored event", all eleven Father Jameses - desperate to display appropriate monastic humility by losing the semi-final - simply parked themselves in the Archregimancy half of the pitch, and booted the ball back upfield to the Taeshan squad whenever they regained possession. Regrettably, the Taeshan squad seemed paralysed by reaching their first ever senior tournament semi-final and were unable to penetrate the massed Archregimancy defence.

When quizzed after the match as to why, if they were so desperate to lose, the monks didn't simply allow Taeshan to score at will, team manager Fr James noted that "as much as we want to display monastic humility, our opponents will learn no valuable moral lessons if they simply win by default; that which achieve too easily, we esteem too lightly". Fr James was later disciplined by the MFA for quoting an 18th-century atheist political philosopher.

With neither team capable of - or in one case trying to - scoring over the 120 minutes, the match turned to penalties. Here, regrettably, the Archregimancy went on to win following a misunderstanding of the precise nature of these 'penalties'. "I thought that, by scoring, I would bring a penance upon myself, and that the team that accrued the most penalties for its sinful behaviour would therefore lose" confessed a tearful and confused Fr James, while goalkeeper Fr James later showed contrition for the Christian charity that led to him trying very hard to "save Taeshan from the penalties of sin as often as possible".

The Monastic Republic now plays Qazox in the final. The Monastic Football Association is said to admire Qazox's proud record of abject failure, which mirrors that of the Monastic Republic.

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Wight
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Founded: Oct 14, 2011
New York Times Democracy

The Great Remove, Part Five

Postby Wight » Sun Jul 08, 2012 4:05 am

.
Last edited by Wight on Sat Nov 02, 2013 8:40 am, edited 1 time in total.
::: WIGHT :::
BECAUSE REASONS

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Ancharmunn
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Founded: Dec 11, 2011
Ex-Nation

Postby Ancharmunn » Sun Jul 08, 2012 10:07 am

Cup of Harmony 52 final
Qazox 2–3 The Archregimancy

Congratulations to The Archregimancy on what I believe is their first Cup of Harmony title. Or commiserations for not quite reaching the desired amount of monastic humility hoped for. Congratulations also to all those who have contributed and made this tournament an enjoyable one.
Last edited by Ancharmunn on Sun Jul 08, 2012 10:11 am, edited 2 times in total.
I'm not on the Greenwich Meridian so my time is a few seconds behind. Bear that in mind.

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The Archregimancy
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Democratic Socialists

Postby The Archregimancy » Mon Jul 09, 2012 2:18 am

THE MONASTIC TIMES

MFA CONGRATULATES QAZOX!
Monks Help Humble Opponents Maintain Proud Record of Hopeless Futility


By Fr Nicholas the Scribe

The Monastic Football Association today congratulated Qazox for failing to win the Cup of Harmony, following the Archregimancy's 3-2 victory over their brave opponents in the tournament final.

"We know our opponents must have been as disappointed as we were to reach the final" said a senior Archimandrite, speaking on condition of anonymity, "but in the end they didn't want it more than we did."

Many monastic sporting fans have long admired Qazox's proud record of hopeless futility in international football, which even eclipses that of the Holy Monastic Republic's team - which has, after all, at least managed to make a couple of World Cup semifinals and at least one prior Cup of Harmony final.

Going in to the match, there was a real feeling that the Archregimancy's squad would want to help Qazox to maintain their reputation for humility. "I for one have nothing but the greatest respect for Qazoxian football" said team manager Fr James "and would not want to let them win if it meant shedding a reputation that every Orthodox monastic sports fan must look at with real wonder - and perhaps even a touch of slightly sinful envy".

And so it proved in the actual match, with both teams going out of their way to try and help their opponent lose what proved to be a compelling match. First half goals from Fr James and Fr James saw the Archregimancy twice take the lead, with Qazox twice replying in turn, as they too put everything they had into helping their opponents maintain their reputation for humbling losses in key matches.

The second half was a see-saw affair, with both teams creating excellent chances, only for a 79th free-kick from team captain Fr James to give the Archregimancy a lead which it clung on to for the last ten minutes, despite a fine effort from Qazox to humble the monks.

Following the match, the Monastic Football Association issued a statement noting that "while we are naturally disappointed to finally add something to the trophy cabinet, we are nonetheless thrilled that we have helped Qazox lose yet again, thereby maintaining their magnificent record of humbling abject failure; truly, their national team remains a shining example to all Orthodox faithful across the multiverse, demonstrating that God's divine mercy can shine even on the heathen or heretic".

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