12th Handball World Cup Everything Thread (IC)

by **Nouvel Ecosse** » Sat Apr 12, 2014 6:16 am

Man Falling Over Makes National News

An unnamed Handball player fell over in what is supposedly the highlight of the match between Vettrera and Thatius, according to the national news network in Britonisea, sparking a furore of comments on online social networking and comments pages on the websites of Nouvel Ecosse newspapers.

Sometime during the heated match between the two national sides, a tie eventually won by the top-ranked side Thatius, one of the players lost their balance and ended up on the floor, causing the whole audience to erupt into fits of laughter. The story however has been disputed by numerous witnesses, who claim that very few even noticed the incident. "Maybe a few kids let out a giggle, but it certainly wasn't rip-roaringly funny." said one spectator.

According to Handball correspondent David Yeun, a writer with forty years experience in reporting on the subject and recently published author of "Hand Over Foot: A Guide To Handball in Nouvel Ecosse", the event itself is trivial. "If I was to have a dollar for every time I've seen a player fall over and land on their ass, I'd be able to buy a season ticket at the local handball team. It may be funny, but it certainly isn't newsworthy."

However, armchair lover and TV remote flicker Doris Gildane disputes with Yeun. "Ah wis surfing thu channuls end Ah unded up wotching thu hendball. An' then this big lad fell o'er. A'm still laughing."

Heated arguments have begun all over the web over the hilarity of the situation. Was it really funny? Was it really newsworthy? Some think it truly was.

According to psychologist Hugo Wernstrum, its a necessary distraction from the real world. "The news is filled with this doom and gloom. Here is a little lightening story to lighten the spirits." And even some politicians have climbed on board. Bruce, state council leader of Walrus County with the Elvis Loves Walri party, told this newspaper "I'm no a fan of handball, but if there is more slapstick like this then I will watch it."

However, towering Nouvel Ecosse international Dan Bocanegra has told reporters that if people want to see comedy, then handball just isn't the place. "Its a serious game, and sure, there may be a few light falls, but we're not about to burst into stand-up. This is our livelihoods, not some distraction."

It is unknown as to the condition of the player, with speculation ranging from mild embarrassment to deep coma.

by **Menukten** » Sat Apr 12, 2014 9:51 am

Salory Treads-on-Crops spoke urgently into the his cellphone:

"Its me," he said in a harsh whisper, "I think they're onto me. We're at the top of our group in and we haven't put in one hour of practice. It's a plot by the Agency, I just know it. They have infiltrated the host country, and they're fixing matches so Menukten will win. And then when we win and I touch the HWC trophy, I'll be whisked away to some dark concrete room where some occult will sacrifice me to some demon to summon him and gain his powers. Portkey, bah! I'll show them not to underestimate the Commune!"

A waitress approached his table, flashed a smile, laid down a platter full of seitan salad on his table.

"Here you are, Mr. Treads-on-Crops," she crooned, "will that be all?"

Treads-on-Crops's eyes bulged, and he grabbed the waitress's forcefully, pulling her towards his face covered in stained, malodorous wrappings.

"Who is this Treads-on-Crops you speak of?" the squonk wheezed a cloud of stench like the grave into the frightened waitress's face. "Is he an agent of the Agency?"

"Why, no, that's the name you registered under at the front desk," the waitress quivered.

"Me? Treads=on-Crops?" the squonk queried dramatically, letting go of the waitress's hand and making a grandiose sweeping motion with his arms, "why that is only a cover name! I am Michael Maple, chrononaut, mad scientist, time traveler extraordinaire. I have come to Gregoryisgodistan from the future to obtain a Gameboy 360 so I can send it back to the future to decode the Agency's communications and help the resistance win the rebellion against the LHC."

"Er... whatever you say sir," the waitress replied hesitantly, rubbing her hand and eyeing the squonk suspiciously. Her lips parted momentarily as if to say more, but decided against further interlocution, she neatly turned and swept away.

Meanwhile the squonk was back on his phone, which wasn't actually turned on.

"I suspect they've infiltrated my team. One of the moss doctors has taken to sacrificing little girl's dolls to the local deity, Lord Almighty Gregory. He makes the girls cry when he takes their dolls. And I think the faculty at LAGNU have Agency written all over them. Why one of them was talking to another about relativity and time dilation. Agency-speak if I've ever heard it."

by **Jeckland** » Sat Apr 12, 2014 12:58 pm

THE BRITIONISEA HEADLINE COMPETITION WINNERS

After a leading Britionisean news service interviewed a player on the basis that he fell over during the last match, we ran a competition, with no prize, for you to come up with other news headlines that were... a little odd

Our favourites

Mouse escapes brutal cat attack
Some Celebrity Gets Another New Haircut
I won 6 Chezs on The Lottery!
Britionisean News Reporter Tripped Over By Vettrera Player
Dead Man Is Still Dead

Thanks for your entries!

OOC: All criticisms etc are IC

by **Felix** » Sat Apr 12, 2014 1:38 pm

Toño Crespo's Diary
Entry #3

We won, it was a solid match for us. We played well against that 22nd ranked team. I was impressed by my young substitutes, I think they will continue the legacy of elite Felixian handball for years to come way after I am gone. Now I must asking myself, why do I mention that I will be gone? I had a incident with some thugs. They were all black, reminded me of what happened that night a year ago. Basically they told me that a new age was coming to Felix if I wanted to live I would have to either resign as coach (which I won't) or worse yet, make my team lose...

These men looked like they meant it, I was... Frightened to say the least... I don't know what I should do... I feel very scared, maybe I should talk to my therapist about this.

End of Entry #3

---

Toño Crespo's Diary
Entry #4

We lost, I, I... Tangled the lineup, I put some less experienced players in... We lost cause of that, I got a message from those thugs. Fucking shit, I think they are a paramilitary group of the Nationalist Party... The Nationalist Party members said good job for losing. They mocked me saying I made the more difficult choice but they applauded my first loss. Fucking bastards why do they want me out? Is it because I am a Socialist? Really? God damn Fascists...

Anyways, its my next match I don't know what I should do. I feel like I should fight but I am scared... I need to be brave, I fear that if I don't fight, these bullies will eventually target other national team coaches... Not sure when but they will. We won a world championship for Handball, we have some popular influence. Oh god this bad...

End of Entry #4

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Sat Apr 12, 2014 5:00 pm

What time is it?

It's peanut butter cutoff time!
Peanut butter cutoff time!
Peanut butter cutoff!
Peanut butter cutoff!
Peanut butter cutoff with a baseball bat!

Edit: And results. Cutoff tomorrow night will be around the same time as tonight.

Group A
Quebec 25–24 Super-Llamaland
Equestrian States 22–23 New Greek Republic

  Group A                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Quebec                         3    3   0   0    81   70  +11     9
2 New Greek Republic             4    2   0   2    95  101   −6     6
3 Equestrian States              3    1   0   2    76   71   +5     3
4 Super-Llamaland                3    1   0   2    76   73   +3     3
5 Jecatria                       3    1   0   2    70   83  −13     3

Group B
Thatius 29–32 Britonisea
Nouvel Ecosse 24–24 Vettrera

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     3    3   0   0    89   84   +5     9
2 Thatius                        3    2   0   1    80   75   +5     6
3 Vettrera                       4    1   1   2   101   99   +2     4
4 Communist New Slifer           3    1   0   2    80   87   −7     3
5 Nouvel Ecosse                  3    0   1   2    75   80   −5     1

Group C
Uitbregen 26–24 Seahold
Sicoutimont 27–23 Gloriax

  Group C                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Uitbregen                      3    2   0   1    79   69  +10     6
2 Seahold                        3    2   0   1    78   73   +5     6
3 Sicoutimont                    3    2   0   1    78   76   +2     6
4 New North Aqmuland             3    2   0   1    76   75   +1     6
5 Gloriax                        4    0   0   4    89  107  −18     0

Group D
Northern Sunrise Islands 33–24 York People
Polar Islandstates 25–23 Patistan

  Group D                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Northern Sunrise Islands       3    3   0   0    89   71  +18     9
2 Polar Islandstates             3    2   0   1    71   69   +2     6
3 York People                    3    1   1   1    86   89   −3     4
4 Socialist Tibet                3    1   0   2    82   85   −3     3
5 Patistan                       4    0   1   3   101  115  −14     1

Group E
Saintland 27–28 Maximland
San Jose Guayabal 25–29 Ko-oren

  Group E                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Ko-oren                        4    3   0   1   116  106  +10     9
2 San Jose Guayabal              3    2   0   1    77   77    0     6
3 Maximland                      3    1   1   1    78   79   −1     4
4 Saintland                      3    1   0   2    88   86   +2     3
5 Kolmya                         3    0   1   2    72   83  −11     1

Group F
Royal Barangay 28–24 Western Cuba
Nassau-Hessen 24–20 Jeckland

  Group F                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Royal Barangay                 3    3   0   0    88   69  +19     9
2 Nassau-Hessen                  3    2   0   1    83   76   +7     6
3 Alparia                        3    2   0   1    87   83   +4     6
4 Jeckland                       4    1   0   3    93  108  −15     3
5 Western Cuba                   3    0   0   3    73   88  −15     0

Group G
Darmen 24–25 Yttribia
Gregoryisgodistan 26–33 Menukten

  Group G                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Menukten                       4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
2 Yttribia                       3    2   0   1    81   73   +8     6
3 Gregoryisgodistan              3    1   0   2    79   79    0     3
4 Darmen                         3    1   0   2    72   75   −3     3
5 Tidal Wake                     3    1   0   2    75   85  −10     3

Group H
Felix 26–24 Cotdelapoms
Costa de Ouro 27–23 Darvale

  Group H                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Darvale                        4    3   0   1   113  105   +8     9
2 Felix                          3    2   0   1    83   79   +4     6
3 Costa de Ouro                  3    2   0   1    79   76   +3     6
4 Cotdelapoms                    3    1   0   2    87   77  +10     3
5 Arenales                       3    0   0   3    68   93  −25     0

by **Nouvel Ecosse** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 7:14 am

Man Has Serious Allergic Reaction To Cutoff

An Ecossian Handball fan visiting the nation of Gregoryisgodistan for the Handball World Cup has been hospitalised due to a serious nut allergy, when the hosts decided to use peanut butter during the half-time break of the handball.

The Nouvel Ecosse Handball Association and the Ecossian Consulate to Esportiva have reacted angrily, and the Nouvel Ecossian Health Board have questioned the intent of the host nation.

Glen Rivello, the Nouvel Ecosse Consulate to Esportivan nations, has issued a plea to the nation of Gregoryisgodistan to treat the man as if he was a royal, as he is a guest of the nation. Either that, or to provide the man with safe journey back to Nouvel Ecosse where he can be treated.

"This is a stark reminder to the people of Nouvel Ecosse of the dangers of travelling abroad. Foreign countries possess a risk of not carrying the same safety precautions as back home, and you may find yourself accidentally in danger." issued the Health Board, who added that they were not advocating not travelling abroad, just that "proper safety precautions must be implemented by the traveller."

It is understood that members of the Nouvel Ecosse Handball team have visited the man in hospital, where he is under constant surveillance. It is understood that he is recovering well, although no formal report has been released.

The Handball Association, in accordance with the Government, is attempting to get the man home to his family in Martell.

The whole incident resurrects memories of 2001, when a Nouvel Ecossian died whilst on holiday to Sancte Crusis in the Blackhelm Confederacy due to an allergy. No serious hits to the tourism industry are expected.

by **Britonisea** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 9:39 am

13.04.14

Britannual News

Britonisea still on a roll

Place: Gregoryisgodistan

Group B
Thatius 29–32 Britonisea
Nouvel Ecosse 24–24 Vettrera

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     3    3   0   0    89   84   +5     9
2 Thatius                        3    2   0   1    80   75   +5     6
3 Vettrera                       4    1   1   2   101   99   +2     4
4 Communist New Slifer           3    1   0   2    80   87   −7     3
5 Nouvel Ecosse                  3    0   1   2    75   80   −5     1

After we played Thatius, we have skipped in front to the lead being the only country, in group B, to have won all of it's games. People in Britonisea is really happy and they are starting to have a party, but will the party mood die? The Britonisean Handball association has revealed that they will definitely take part in the next world cup and also they are very thrilled by our performance today. We stole the game from Thatius, 32-29. Was it close? No. Britonisea had a lead all the time. Only near half time, Thatius was 2 points ahead of us. But the guys struck back and they took their 3rd victory yesterday. "Gregoryisgodistan, is not as bad as you may think" said Mila, The team's female coach, he continued "It's not people on a high-speed chase and people in a prison all dressed in orange. The ones I saw was black." We are looking forward to get our results from today. Overall, we have scored a huge 89 goals but the other teams got 84 passed us. We are having fun. BUT, other nations has broadcasted the news story about a man who tripped and fell on his rear. He is okay and we just interview him now.

U= Unknown Man who fell on his rear.
J= Jim

J= Hello. SO let's get to the point. How was your game?
U= It was good. But painful.
J= Painful? In what way (giggling)
U= Well I ran and the people on the other team tripped me up. Actually someone from my team tripped me up. So unfair.
J=Do you know the name of this tripper.
U= No.
J= What country are you from?
U= Ummm. Vet... no That.... No Brit...
J= Don't say it.
U= Sorry.
J= We need to go now. We have breaking news. A strong smelling nut has had an allergic reaction.
[S=Sam]
S= Yes, we are getting this from The Nouvel Ecosse Handball Association.
J= What has actually happened?
S= Apparently, Gregoryisgodistan used peanut butter and a guy from Nouvel Ecosse has been hospitalized.
J= More updates will be on these 3 stories. Thanks for watching.

by **Menukten** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 10:08 am

The thing quivered in the corner as Treads-on-Crops stood over him with a whip.

"And you could of got me into a lot of trouble, you piece of crap," the squonk spluttered, saliva soaking the stained wrappings over his mouth, "you should be glad Gregoryisgodistan society doesn't care for their slaves much, or we would have been arrested. Really, did you have to eat that slave, couldn't you have waited to prey on some old lady in a nursing home at night like you usually do? Pfaa! The blood and stomach acid all over the court! And a delay of game getting called on us because you just had to have that poor old man's intestines."

The squonk fumed, and laid into the quivering ball of twigs and moss with the whip. There was a squeel, a growl, and a terrible shriek, and suddenly Treads-on-Crops was looking at a bloody stump where his right arm had been moments before.

Then blackness.

He awoken on a table, his limbs, the three remaining to him that is, securely fashioned with a rope. A quick survey of his situation revealed that he was surrounded by candles on everyside, with a strange symbol drawn in blood extending out from his solar plexus to cover the table. A figure crouched over him wheezing. Treads-on-Crop caught the glint of a knife in the flickering candlelight.

There was an excited jittering, and then a flash, and Treads-on-Crops felt the knife slide into his neck and slice open his jugular. As he lay there in a pool of his hot, sticky blood, feeling his heart pump the life out of him, there was a sharp cracking sound, the smell of sulfur, and a deep chuckle.

"Oh you prepared a little welcome feast for me, how thoughtful of you."

A face swam into view, blood red skin, horns, yellow glinting eyes, and a top hat. Treads-on-Crop wanted to ask who this personage was, but found he couldn't speak.

He didn't have to.

"Name's Azazel, old chap," said the apparition, "Demon Lord of the Third Circle of Hell. I'll be playing left wingman on your handball team."

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 11:39 am

Slave AH1283PA killed, eaten by Menukten

Slave AH1283PA, blind bench player for the Gregoryisgodistan handball team, was killed and eaten by a Menukten player during the match today, apparently as part of some satanic cult ritual. Lord Almighty Gregory did not comment, mainly because he never comments on the death of slaves. They are slaves. Nobody cares about them. Menukten is lucky it only killed a slave. Otherwise it might wind up on the enemy list.

by **Super-Llamaland** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 3:11 pm

ALFALFISTSUNITED.COM

Man falling on rear demonstrates Spinachian behaviors

-Lead Alfalfist Correspondent Justin Brewster

As you all know, some guy in the match against Thatius and Vettrera fell on his rear. As there are no male players on the Vettreran squad, those dirty Spinachians out of Thatius must have done it.

The Evil Overlord Spinach, the bane of the Alfalfist religion, as we all too sadly know, often makes people fall on their rears for his terrible enjoyment. As Alfalfists, we must reinstate our good Lord Alfalfa as the ruler of the kingdom. However, the man who fell on his rear from Thatius is clearly possessed by the Evil Overlord Spinach.

I petition the government to send military so they can purge him of his Spinachian influence. They must do it like so:

STEP ONE: Boil a pot of delicious alfalfa.
STEP TWO: Feed the man the alfalfa.
STEP THREE: Repeat steps one and two ten billion googolplex times.
STEP FOUR: Now feed him more alfalfa until he throws up the Spinachian influence.
STEP FIVE: Impale him with a twenty-foot-long toothpick.

We have prepared the ten billion googolplex pots of raw alfalfa and the twenty-foot-long toothpick! Please sign our petition to help rid another possessed Spinachian of Thatius!

by **Felix** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 5:04 pm

Toño Crespo's Diary
Entry #5

Fuck it, we won. I have a change of heart, I will fight against these bullies and I won't let them intimidate me. Anyways Mikel asked me what happened the day we lost. I told him I thought we could send the B team and still, win. I knew that was a lie but what else could I have said? The truth? No, of course not. Anyways, we are headed to our final game of the first round of the robin. Hopefully we can pick up another win. I won't let these Nationalist Party thugs prevent me from successfully defending my team's title, it wouldn't be right.

End of Entry #5

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Sun Apr 13, 2014 5:14 pm

Cutoff. Sorry for the lack of creative thing tonight.

Edit: And results

Group A
Super-Llamaland 22–24 Equestrian States
Jecatria 21–24 Quebec

  Group A                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Quebec                         4    4   0   0   105   91  +14    12
2 Equestrian States              4    2   0   2   100   93   +7     6
3 New Greek Republic             4    2   0   2    95  101   −6     6
4 Super-Llamaland                4    1   0   3    98   97   +1     3
5 Jecatria                       4    1   0   3    91  107  −16     3

Group B
Britonisea 24–34 Nouvel Ecosse
Communist New Slifer 33–31 Thatius

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     4    3   0   1   113  118   −5     9
2 Thatius                        4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
3 Communist New Slifer           4    2   0   2   113  118   −5     6
4 Nouvel Ecosse                  4    1   1   2   109  104   +5     4
5 Vettrera                       4    1   1   2   101   99   +2     4

Group C
Seahold 28–30 Sicoutimont
New North Aqmuland 24–33 Uitbregen

  Group C                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Uitbregen                      4    3   0   1   112   93  +19     9
2 Sicoutimont                    4    3   0   1   108  104   +4     9
3 Seahold                        4    2   0   2   106  103   +3     6
4 New North Aqmuland             4    2   0   2   100  108   −8     6
5 Gloriax                        4    0   0   4    89  107  −18     0

Group D
York People 30–24 Polar Islandstates
Socialist Tibet 24–22 Northern Sunrise Islands

  Group D                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Northern Sunrise Islands       4    3   0   1   111   95  +16     9
2 York People                    4    2   1   1   116  113   +3     7
3 Socialist Tibet                4    2   0   2   106  107   −1     6
4 Polar Islandstates             4    2   0   2    95   99   −4     6
5 Patistan                       4    0   1   3   101  115  −14     1

Group E
Maximland 26–30 San Jose Guayabal
Kolmya 22–23 Saintland

  Group E                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Ko-oren                        4    3   0   1   116  106  +10     9
2 San Jose Guayabal              4    3   0   1   107  103   +4     9
3 Saintland                      4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
4 Maximland                      4    1   1   2   104  109   −5     4
5 Kolmya                         4    0   1   3    94  106  −12     1

Group F
Western Cuba 22–27 Nassau-Hessen
Alparia 22–26 Royal Barangay

  Group F                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Royal Barangay                 4    4   0   0   114   91  +23    12
2 Nassau-Hessen                  4    3   0   1   110   98  +12     9
3 Alparia                        4    2   0   2   109  109    0     6
4 Jeckland                       4    1   0   3    93  108  −15     3
5 Western Cuba                   4    0   0   4    95  115  −20     0

Group G
Yttribia 28–31 Gregoryisgodistan
Tidal Wake 21–26 Darmen

  Group G                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Menukten                       4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
2 Yttribia                       4    2   0   2   109  104   +5     6
3 Gregoryisgodistan              4    2   0   2   110  107   +3     6
4 Darmen                         4    2   0   2    98   96   +2     6
5 Tidal Wake                     4    1   0   3    96  111  −15     3

Group H
Cotdelapoms 21–32 Costa de Ouro
Arenales 28–29 Felix

  Group H                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Costa de Ouro                  4    3   0   1   111   97  +14     9
2 Darvale                        4    3   0   1   113  105   +8     9
3 Felix                          4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
4 Cotdelapoms                    4    1   0   3   108  109   −1     3
5 Arenales                       4    0   0   4    96  122  −26     0

by **Britonisea** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:25 am

BREAKING NEWS

-The Man who fell on his rear has lied to the cameras. He, maybe a she, is not a player but a crazy fan. He, could be a she, went to the back of the stadium to change in to a costume. Then he, maybe a she, changed with another person on court. She, maybe he, tried to kick someone on the other team. By Super-Llamaland sources, this imposer is from the Thatius team. The Vettreran player must have rang here foot around the unknown person, and tripped him, maybe her, up. He, not a hundred percent sure it is a he, is going to be put in jail and later on the week, will be on trial in Gregoryisgodistan!

-Peanuts can give you an allergic reaction. A Nouvel Ecossian man has had a major allergic reaction to peanut butter cut off time, the best part of the game! He was transported to a near by hospital where a woman was and still is treating him. Nouvel Ecosse is very angry at the host and demands money! The Britonisean Handball Association thinks that it is a load on boogies. Nouvel had had some history with allergic reactions as someone died in 2001 in the country Blackhelm Confederacy. We think the need more cod liver oil.

Update on the game will follow later tonight. But it does not look good...

by **Nouvel Ecosse** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 2:46 pm

One Arrested And Two Injured In Bizarre Assault

A Nouvel Ecosse fan is believed to have been arrested and faces serious charges following an altercation at the end of Ecosse's victory over group leaders Britonisea at the Handball World Cup. A fellow travelling fan and a security guard are both facing lengthy hospital treatment.

According to eye witnesses, the overjoyed fan celebrated his nation's victory with an overenthusiastic punch into the air. However, he somehow missed the air and his fist instead connected with the jaw of the person in the seating row behind them.

The accused, named by his aggravated and annoyed family as Dougray Howser of Jarelmanteau, has a history of criminal convictions, although mainly for such minor grievances as littering. He has been cleared of assault following an incident in 2004 where he was accused of attacking a man in a pub. It was deemed that there was not sufficient evidence to charge him.
g
It is thought he lashed out at the security guard on attempting to.leave the stadium

by **Vettrera** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 3:03 pm

(OOC: Once again ,sorry for the genericness)

Terrica: This is so fucking ridiculous...the two teams that should be running things here find themselves in the bottom of the entire tournament. No, no. I don't even care anymore. I don't. This isn't even fair to us anyway. We're bringing our collegiate girls here and they're having to compete against teams that have brought their actual big guns. This doesn't reflect poorly on anybody, or anything. It just is what is it, and I ain't taking blame for it.

Marsha: I'm with you there sister. I mean, out of all the groups in this tournament, we get drawn in the one where everyone actually thought it was pertinent to send their big boys. And naturally this cup was in Gregoryisgodistan. And naturally that would force us to pull out our official team. And naturally we'd look to the collegiates as the next best option

Terrica: And naturally our best collegiates would be too concerned to actually attend. So naturally we end up with a mixed bag of competitors taking on international heavy-weights like Thatius and Nouvel Ecosse. And somehow they're not even the ones that are topping the group. No, Britonisea is the one running the show here. And N.E and us still trail behind Communist New Slifer somehow.

Marsha: It's amazing. This tournament is crazier than "Lord Almighty Greg" Himself. I need a drink....

by **Menukten** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 3:16 pm

The man who fell on his ass and Treads-on-Crops looked at the thing in the toilet.

"Why is it so... lumpy?" the squonk asked.

"I've been eating a lot of spinach lately," replies the man who fell on his ass.

Treads-on-Crops turned away, slinding into the bedroom and lighting a joint.

"Then its official?" he asked, eyeballing the scrawny handballer before.

"Yep. They murdered you and used your blood, along with that of a slave, to summon the Demon Lord Azazel. It was the LHC alright. I found their hardware in the room."

Treads-on-Crops took a big toke and then let the smoke trickly leisurely from his nostrils.

"Well, that's to be expected. After we thwarted their attempts to build a time machine, it was inevitable they would try to gain a demon's power. You have the Virtual Boy?"

"In the beta line you said it was a Gameboy 360 you needed."

Treads-on-Crops rubbed his eyes.

"Really? That would be interesting... if I wasn't so darn tired."

by **Super-Llamaland** » Mon Apr 14, 2014 3:23 pm

We need less religious freedom, some say

After the Alfalfa incident thing where seventeen-and-a-half Alfalfists (read: idiots) travelled to Gregoryisgodistan and attempted to force large quantities of alfalfa down the now immortalized-by-internet "That Handball Dude from Thatius that Fell on his Bum," some in the Llamanean Congress are calling for less religious freedom.

"I mean, you look at these dolts," muttered Roger Cross, noted author of the "Freedom is for the Smart", shortly after the incident was posted on Alfalfistblog.com, "and you wonder, 'why did our government give them permission to practice some of the world's dumbest things! I mean, you have your Alfalfists, your Llamisticists, your Nyancatians, and your Higgs-Boson's Witnesses, and these are all so...stupid, for lack of a better word."

"Hey!" screamed an angry protester by the name of Nyancatian Priest #267, "we have the right to free worship! You take this away and pretty soon we won't have the right to vote! Yeah, that'd be...bad! Very bad! We have the right to be as dumb as we please!" shortly after, Nyancatian Priest #267 was assassinated by a pebble.

"Frankly, this reads like an 'issue' on this game called 'Real Life'," remarked Eip-Eid-Wep, a gamer revered across Super-Llamaland on various social media networks. "I mean, the best solution would just be to crack down upon them whenever they do dumb stuff. They can be religious, but they can't tarnish our reputation."

The concerns have massed as an army of 1,200 combined Nyancatians, Llamisticists, Alfalfists, and Randomletters ljfowiafjhweifoi fjae;fois jaos;dj fiads;oj sdio;j ds;afs-ists have stormed the capital of Thatius, all with a different reason. The Nyancatians think that people falling down means that they are disrepecting the Good Lord Nyancat, the Llamisticists think that Llamas never fall on their behinds, meaning that anybody who does is bad, the Alfalfists' madness can be described in some RPs above, and the Randomletters...<randomletters>...ists...think "bum" is not random enough.

"I mean, a one-in-17,576 chance?" cried out some man named "iajfiod saidsfhaiowe ofiw;l", "come on!"

by **Jeckland** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:18 pm

HALF TIME: THE GROUP STAGE SO FAR

Seeing as we are halfway through the group stage, let's have a look at how everyone is doing!

Group A                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Quebec                         4    4   0   0   105   91  +14    12
2 Equestrian States              4    2   0   2   100   93   +7     6
3 New Greek Republic             4    2   0   2    95  101   −6     6
4 Super-Llamaland                4    1   0   3    98   97   +1     3
5 Jecatria                       4    1   0   3    91  107  −16     3

The Royal Kingdom of Quebec races into a commanding lead with a perfect record. Equestrian States holds second over New Greek Republic on goal difference, and Super-Llamaland and Jecatria bring up the rear.

Group B

Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     4    3   0   1   113  118   −5     9
2 Thatius                        4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
3 Communist New Slifer           4    2   0   2   113  118   −5     6
4 Nouvel Ecosse                  4    1   1   2   109  104   +5     4
5 Vettrera                       4    1   1   2   101   99   +2     4

Britonisea are the surprise leaders, three points clear of the pack. The next four teams are all within two points of each other though, so this group is wide open.

Group C                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Uitbregen                      4    3   0   1   112   93  +19     9
2 Sicoutimont                    4    3   0   1   108  104   +4     9
3 Seahold                        4    2   0   2   106  103   +3     6
4 New North Aqmuland             4    2   0   2   100  108   −8     6
5 Gloriax                        4    0   0   4    89  107  −18     0

Uitbregen holds top spot on goal difference from Sicoutmont, with Seahold and New North Aqmuland just behind. Gloriax look out of the reckoning.

Group D                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Northern Sunrise Islands       4    3   0   1   111   95  +16     9
2 York People                    4    2   1   1   116  113   +3     7
3 Socialist Tibet                4    2   0   2   106  107   −1     6
4 Polar Islandstates             4    2   0   2    95   99   −4     6
5 Patistan                       4    0   1   3   101  115  −14     1

Northern Sunrise Islands lead a tightly packed group, with our region mates York People a surprise second, closely followed by Socialist Tibet and Polar Islandstates. Patitstan looks down and out.

Group E                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Ko-oren                        4    3   0   1   116  106  +10     9
2 San Jose Guayabal              4    3   0   1   107  103   +4     9
3 Saintland                      4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
4 Maximland                      4    1   1   2   104  109   −5     4
5 Kolmya                         4    0   1   3    94  106  −12     1

Ko-oren lead on goal difference from San Jose Guayabal, with Saintland three points behind. A big effort will be required for Maximland, and a miracle for Kolmya.

Group F                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Royal Barangay                 4    4   0   0   114   91  +23    12
2 Nassau-Hessen                  4    3   0   1   110   98  +12     9
3 Alparia                        4    2   0   2   109  109    0     6
4 Jeckland                       4    1   0   3    93  108  −15     3
5 Western Cuba                   4    0   0   4    95  115  −20     0

This is us! But it's not looking good. The Royal Barangay leads with a perfect record, followed in three point intervals by Nassau-Hessen, Alparia, us and Western Cuba. We could still have a stab, but it's a long shot.

Group G

Group G                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Menukten                       4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
2 Yttribia                       4    2   0   2   109  104   +5     6
3 Gregoryisgodistan              4    2   0   2   110  107   +3     6
4 Darmen                         4    2   0   2    98   96   +2     6
5 Tidal Wake                     4    1   0   3    96  111  −15     3

Newcomers Menukten are surprise leaders in a close group. Three teams are tied on points, those being Yttribia, Gregoryisgodistan and Darmen, with Tidal Wake still in the hunt in fifth.

Group H                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Costa de Ouro                  4    3   0   1   111   97  +14     9
2 Darvale                        4    3   0   1   113  105   +8     9
3 Felix                          4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
4 Cotdelapoms                    4    1   0   3   108  109   −1     3
5 Arenales                       4    0   0   4    96  122  −26     0

Looks like a three horse race here, with Costa de Ouro leading Darvale leading Felix on goal difference. Cotdelapoms have a win and a chance, unlike Arenales.

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 12:27 pm

Host announcement: Just a reminder that tiebreakers are, in order H2H Points, H2H GD, H2H GF, Overall GD, overall GF, One-game playoff. However, xkoranate will not do head to head until the group stage is over for some reason. Also, cutoff will be later tonight than it has been in the past, around 9 or 9:30.

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 5:59 pm

Cutoff time! Just a reminder to please respect your opponent's RP permissions or there will be penalties to your RP bonus. In extreme cases, RP bonus may even be negative due to penalties, though a negative Rank+RP will be entered into the scorinator as 0 since I don't want to adjust the minimum. (That being said, I will note that you have a negative rank+RP and it will carry over when combined with future matchdays.)

Edit: And results! Cutoff tomorrow will be around 8:00 or 8:30.

Group A
Jecatria 20–31 Equestrian States
Super-Llamaland 27–21 New Greek Republic

  Group A                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Quebec                         4    4   0   0   105   91  +14    12
2 Equestrian States              5    3   0   2   131  113  +18     9
3 Super-Llamaland                5    2   0   3   125  118   +7     6
4 New Greek Republic             5    2   0   3   116  128  −12     6
5 Jecatria                       5    1   0   4   111  138  −27     3

Group B
Communist New Slifer 27–29 Nouvel Ecosse
Britonisea 24–30 Vettrera

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     5    3   0   2   137  148  −11     9
2 Vettrera                       5    2   1   2   131  123   +8     7
3 Nouvel Ecosse                  5    2   1   2   138  131   +7     7
4 Thatius                        4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
5 Communist New Slifer           5    2   0   3   140  147   −7     6

Group C
New North Aqmuland 30–28 Sicoutimont
Seahold 26–22 Gloriax

  Group C                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Uitbregen                      4    3   0   1   112   93  +19     9
2 Seahold                        5    3   0   2   132  125   +7     9
3 Sicoutimont                    5    3   0   2   136  134   +2     9
4 New North Aqmuland             5    3   0   2   130  136   −6     9
5 Gloriax                        5    0   0   5   111  133  −22     0

Group D
Socialist Tibet 23–29 Polar Islandstates
York People 14–24 Patistan

  Group D                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Northern Sunrise Islands       4    3   0   1   111   95  +16     9
2 Polar Islandstates             5    3   0   2   124  122   +2     9
3 York People                    5    2   1   2   130  137   −7     7
4 Socialist Tibet                5    2   0   3   129  136   −7     6
5 Patistan                       5    1   1   3   125  129   −4     4

Group E
Kolmya 23–37 San Jose Guayabal
Maximland 31–29 Ko-oren

  Group E                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 San Jose Guayabal              5    4   0   1   144  126  +18    12
2 Ko-oren                        5    3   0   2   145  137   +8     9
3 Maximland                      5    2   1   2   135  138   −3     7
4 Saintland                      4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
5 Kolmya                         5    0   1   4   117  143  −26     1

Group F
Alparia 26–29 Nassau-Hessen
Western Cuba 34–30 Jeckland

  Group F                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Royal Barangay                 4    4   0   0   114   91  +23    12
2 Nassau-Hessen                  5    4   0   1   139  124  +15    12
3 Alparia                        5    2   0   3   135  138   −3     6
4 Western Cuba                   5    1   0   4   129  145  −16     3
5 Jeckland                       5    1   0   4   123  142  −19     3

Group G
Tidal Wake 25–29 Gregoryisgodistan
Yttribia 24–34 Menukten

  Group G                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Menukten                       5    4   0   1   146  131  +15    12
2 Gregoryisgodistan              5    3   0   2   139  132   +7     9
3 Darmen                         4    2   0   2    98   96   +2     6
4 Yttribia                       5    2   0   3   133  138   −5     6
5 Tidal Wake                     5    1   0   4   121  140  −19     3

Group H
Arenales 32–28 Costa de Ouro
Cotdelapoms 32–24 Darvale

  Group H                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Costa de Ouro                  5    3   0   2   139  129  +10     9
2 Felix                          4    3   0   1   112  107   +5     9
3 Darvale                        5    3   0   2   137  137    0     9
4 Cotdelapoms                    5    2   0   3   140  133   +7     6
5 Arenales                       5    1   0   4   128  150  −22     3

by **Super-Llamaland** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 6:49 pm

Alfalfists Brutally Murder Falling-Down Man!

Jim Ewe, Senior Editor

WILLINGSLEY ARENA, GREGORYISGODISTAN -- The Thatius player that fell on his butt and made the list of "Llamaland's Top Twenty Internet Phenomenons" for three days...actually, we have to stop and show that to you.

Unfortunately, Thatius has no RP Permissions, so it was unsurprising when thirteen Alfalfists tackled him at his hotel and fed him dozens of pots of boiled alfalfa. The Alfalfists were wrestled away from the unconscious player, who was mildly allergic to small quantities of alfalfa. Unfortunately, by then the man had been force-fed about eighty-seven pots of alfalfa and went into a coma.

Earlier this morning, he was pronounced dead at a local hospital. The Alfalfists were caught and are currently in jail.

"This is extremely troubling that citizens of our nation have deigned to take the life of one from another. This is extremely condemnable and should they be in trouble with the law, we will have absolutely no problem leaving them to fend for themselves. Very unacceptable behavior for a citizen," an enraged president Christopher O'Reilly. When a reporter asked him about Super-Llamaland's relations to Gregoryisgodistan after an attempt on O'Reilly's life, the president said: "That doesn't matter. We are at peace right now, and we plan to stay at peace unless the Alfalfists have ruined our peace."

The Alfalfist website defends their actions in a more reasonable tone than usual on their website, alfalfistsunited.com, saying: "We defend our right to religious freedom and free worship." Many leaders of the religion, being in jail in Thatius, were unavailable for comment, but local Alfalfist Martin Jones mentioned: "Religions have killed millions in human history. This is nothing to be worried about. It will happen again if need be."

Eip-Eid-Wep, the famous gamer, retorted: "It's not that you can't worship alfalfa, no matter how moronic some sects of the population believe that to be. It's that you can't murder people brutally in the name of Super-Llamaland and expect to get away with it.

A debate between the Alfalfists (Martin Jones and Alfalfist Preachers James Glass and Fred Doun) and the Anti-Alfalfists (Eip-eid-wep, anti-religious freedom Senator Roger Cross, and Catholic Leader Simon Newell) has been scheduled in Vargas tomorrow.

Meanwhile, Christopher O'Reilly has asked Gregoryisgodistan how the murderers will be treated.

by **Gregoryisgodistan** » Tue Apr 15, 2014 7:06 pm

From the Desk of Lord Almighty Gregory

Dear Mr. O'Reilly,

We have successfully captured all of the alfalfists and are prepared to take one of two courses of action. We leave it up to you to decide which one.

Course 1 involves executing all of them in the normal manner. First, we will slowly slice them. Then, while they are still alive, we will behead them. As they are foreigners, we will not kill their families but we will burn their bodies.

Course 2 involves extraditing them to Super-Llamaland for your rehabilitative program. However, we will only agree to this if you agree to feed them nothing but prune juice and gruel for the duration of the rehabilitation. We most certainly do not drug our gruel with gakma to make the people compliant. Do not believe those lies. They are lies. (OOC: Yes we do.)

Please let me know which course of action you wish for us to take and we will do so at once.

Sincerely,

Lord Almighty Gregory

by **Menukten** » Wed Apr 16, 2014 7:23 am

Murdered Falling-Down-Man becomes host to demonic spirit, joins Menukten Handball Team

Rumours abound in Menukten that Salory Steps-on-Crops, an infamous witch doctor, has once again summoned another demon, this time using the deceased corpse of a Thatius player (who might actually be a fan) who gained wide renown for falling down during a match and capturing the headline of one of Britonisea's most prestigious newspapers.

Steps-on-Crops has already been accused of summoning the demon lord Azazel after murdering a slave benched on the Gregorisgodistan handball team.

Waitress I-don't-want-to-give-my-name of the Lord Almighty Gregory Hotel where Team Menukten is lodging supposedly saw the whole process go down.

"I came in with their dinner and the whole room smelled like a pasture. There were a couple shady humans gathered over a bed and a bunch of short, wooden figures covered with moss. There was a corpse on the bed, and someone had drawn a pentagram on the bed sheets with lipstick. I gasped once I realized what the thing on the bed was, but nobody payed any attention to me. All of a sudden this smartly dressed man with red skin and horns came out of the bathroom, slit his wrists, dribbled the blood into the dead man's mouth, and there was an almighty crack, and a smell of brimstone, and then the dead man was sitting up, with red eyes that bored right in to the back of my brain. I didn't stick around to see what happened later. I threw their dinner down and booked it out of that room."

The ceremony has resulted in the addition of another demon on Menukten's handball team, along with the Demon Lord Azazel from the Third Circle of Hell. The demon, rumored to be named Beelzebub, will be playing right wingman for Menukten.

The Menukten Handball team has surprised the world by surging to the top of their group over hosts Gregoryisgodistan.

Sally Long-Fire, Grandmaster of Menukten's Mourning Guild, had this to comment:

"Its exactly this type of violence by Menukten citizens that has convinced us to let the Mourning Guild's monks work on catapulting our society into the beta world line."

RP Permission note: Other countries are free to godmod events concerning the Falling-Down-Man, even though he is now on our handball team, including him leaving our handball team, dying again, being exorcised by a priest, etc.

by **Britonisea** » Wed Apr 16, 2014 7:35 am

Britannual News

Britonisea is not improving.

Place: Gregoryisgodistan

Britonisea has been winning all of these games that is put forward to them but lately, over the past 2 games, Britonisea has failed to reach the minimum target, when Nouvel Ecosse smashed us by ten points and Vettrera, 6. Let us look at the points to see the collapse.

Gregoryisgodistan wrote:

Group B
Britonisea 24–34 Nouvel Ecosse
Communist New Slifer 33–31 Thatius

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     4    3   0   1   113  118   −5     9
2 Thatius                        4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
3 Communist New Slifer           4    2   0   2   113  118   −5     6
4 Nouvel Ecosse                  4    1   1   2   109  104   +5     4
5 Vettrera                       4    1   1   2   101   99   +2     4

Britonisea, thankfully, is still at the top of the leader board here. Though nations have scored more points than we have. This is ridiculous and could ruin our chances from going through to the next round and being a unranked nation doing so. The game was horrible when the elite team from Nouvel Ecosse smashed us ten points. The scored came out, 34-24 to them. The Britonisea Handball Association was very angry at these Britonish players and they insisted, for some, to take a break and they can rest for the next day. If that was not much pain, a man from Nouvel must of punched someone in the face and that man got prosecuted of the site of the stadium. Isn't that lovely? Although some of the Hanball team went for a break, it was still disaster. When Vettrera beat us, 30-24.

Gregoryisgodistan wrote:

Group B
Communist New Slifer 27–29 Nouvel Ecosse
Britonisea 24–30 Vettrera

  Group B                      Pld    W   D   L    GF   GA   GD   Pts 
1 Britonisea                     5    3   0   2   137  148  −11     9
2 Vettrera                       5    2   1   2   131  123   +8     7
3 Nouvel Ecosse                  5    2   1   2   138  131   +7     7
4 Thatius                        4    2   0   2   111  108   +3     6
5 Communist New Slifer           5    2   0   3   140  147   −7     6

We guess this is their way of pay back or revenge. The team, who lost to Britonisea a few days ago, is now second in the table and one more slip up from Britonisea could reck the whole thing up. Now the gap between GF and GA is increasing in the wrong way and we do not want that to happen. We spoke the the CEO of The Britonisean Handball Association. "I think the players need more practicing. It is great that they have got so far, in their first international tournament."He started wheeping and then he was asked the major question by a bystander. The bystander said "If these games where held in Britonisea, would their be a home advantage? Or even would the girls play better in Britonisea?" This made the CEO angry and responded. "Why you little B****. Britonisea is the best country in the whole entire world. Better than all. F*** to all other nations." The fascist man was then taken to prison for 20 years, for speaking his mind (I know breaking human rights. Oh well), and he has a massive fine of £60,000 Britos (Equivalent to USD $123,000). He won't be coming out of prison any time soon. The bystander, who gets only £1000 (USD 200) a year, was put though to be the new Britonisea Handball Association manager and now he gets £30,000 per year. And that is with the tax already taken off!

The man who fell on his but, noticed by Britonisea, has now been murder by some people that Britonisea has never heard off. As Britonish Reporters said, The mean was not a player but a crazy fan who jumped in front of the game.

(OOC: Sorry if I offended you about the F*** to other nations. I did not mean that. It is just news worthy! Do you know what I mean?)

by **Ko-oren** » Wed Apr 16, 2014 8:57 am

Ko-oren drops to second place

~~Could we finally be eliminated from the tournament?~~ The Greenblues are still doing great, and at this rate they will make it to the next round! They did drop a game to now-third-placed Maximland, who outscored our national team 31-29, but only San Jose Guayabal has overtaken our team. On three victories and two losses, Saintland and Maximland are dangerously close to our Dragonflies. And remember that we have a bye day on day 10, so we will always need to have some sort of buffer before that day starts.

We have to wait for an answer of headcoach Hayato Yamazaki: his son Eitoku made some obvious mistakes last game ~~and that can only mean one thing: the Gregoryisgodistanis are behind this~~ and we wonder why he was not substituted. Assistant coaches Jiayue and Kristjánsdóttir saved the team from a big defeat by eventually persuading the head coach that Sheng would do a better job this game, but by that time, the score was already 26-20 and all things considered, it's a miracle the Greenblues got back as much as they did. Murray had a solid game but stood no chance against some of the Maximian attackers ~~(get it? Max-simian)~~. Feng and Usatov played very well and capitalized on chances, while Korotkov could not keep up with his line.

~~Kill count for this tournament: ???~~ So far, the tournament has progressed without incidents, ~~Gregoryisgodistan is doing way better than expected~~ as could only be expected from such a welcoming host nation! One incident though, but that was Menukten's fault ~~(and is the reason for the unknown kill count)~~. ~~Still, we soldier on and hope and pray everyday we can leave this country ASAP~~ I hope that no incidents will catch up to our boys during this tournament!

12th Handball World Cup Everything Thread (IC)

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