Domestic Slingitch Thread

[Lepakamehele]

Please use this thread to post your domestic Slingitch league results.

The results of two games are added together:

A Gaelic Football game to represent goals and stings

An association football game where the results are subtracted by three and then multiplied by seven (this simulates the extreme rareness of bottles). During this process, scores may only be subtracted to zero. Negative numbers should not be used.

These two added together should approximate the score of a Slingitch match.

[Lepakamehele]

Ochuque accuses Onaquim of witchcraft

Land of Tears Sportswire

At 1:00 in the morning today at Ochuque stadium a security guard apprehended a suspicious man who TC Ochuque's Coach Speaks-with-Wind declares “tried to put a wooboo spell” on Ochuque's goal hours before the scheduled rematch pitting the two Premier League finalists against each other once again.

“Onaquim has taken their loss in last year's Champion's Gourd very sorely,” Coach Speaks-with-Wind elaborated, “and its no surprise they would resort to such primitive methods. But our fans should rest assured; Ochuque Slingitch is more powerful than any wooboo.”

The intruder was escorted off the field and his belongings confiscated.

“We get this sort of thing a lot,” says to security guard Two-Fox, who discovered the intruder, “usually its some amateur fan with a black cat or a goat, trying to break into Ochuque's dugout. But this guy seems to be professional. He had a sort of doll with plants tied around it, a bag of peanuts and a spade.”

A medicine man was hastily hired by Ochuque to investigate the matter and inspect the doll.

“It was a very dangerous spell,” sighs Stokes-the-Fire, a medicine man from South Island. “Very dangerous indeed. It was meant as a direct attack on the Ochuque keeper and would have resulted in his imprisonment inside the doll. During excitement, such as when the squotch is zooming towards the goal and the keeper must block it, the soul becomes slightly detached from the body. This spell is meant to use that detachment to trap it inside the doll. The mandrake is meant to draw the soul in, and the belladonna keeps it from escaping once it has been captured. The peanuts feeds the doll during its imprisonment. All these things would have been buried beneath the goalposts and, if the witch doctor had not been discovered, TC Ochuque would have to look for a new keeper by the end of today's match.”

White Bear, the president of the Lepakamehelese Slingitch Association was incensed and infuriated by the news.

“This sort of activity is unsporting and will not be tolerated. Its high time we teach teams and their fans that trying to manipulate a match's outcome with witchcraft of this sort will have very serious consequences.”

Onaquim's Coach Thinks-Aloud has been suspended for five games. Onaquim declined to comment on the suspension, but did deny all responsibility for the wooboo attack.

“We did not hire that medicine man,” Onaquim spokesperson Drinks-a-Lot quipped, “and frankly we are offended by these malicious accusations.”

The rematch which will be played at five in the evening is the first game of this year's Premier League Slingitch season. It has been widely anticipated ever since Onaquim lost last year's Champion's Gourd after a last minute bottle, scored with only twenty seconds remaining in the game, was slung in by Ochuque's top slinger, Sits-on-Rock, putting Ochuque, who up until then had been down by six points, on the top.

MC Onaquim claimed revenge, but nobody thought they would go so far to achieve it.

“Its sickening, just sickening,” growls Howling Rain, a TC Ochuque fan, “Onaquim should be banished from the League.”

[Lepakamehele]

Ochuque inches past Onaquim 1-15 (18) to 2-11 (17)

Land of Tears Sportswire

Last night TC Ochuque narrowly defeated MC Onaquim at Ochuque and defended their title as the Premier League's champions.

After a witch doctor was caught attempting to curse Ochuque's goal post in the early morning hours of March the sixth, fans and officials alike speculated whether Ochuque would postpone the game.

“We won't let a little malicious wooboo keep us from playing,” said Ochuque Keeper Iron Foot, who was the target of last morning's attack. “We'll show Onaquim that we aren't afraid of their witchery.”

Sentiments aside, it looked bad for Onaquim during the first half as Onaquim dominated possession, put the squotch into goal nine times and stung Ochuque slingers twice, which Ochuque answered with only five goals.

“It looked bleak,” Ochuque's Coach Speaks-with-Wind told us, “I've never seen our team fall apart like that. We were uncoordinating, we weren't connecting passes, and we had the devil of the time getting the squotch into Onaquim's sling zone. But we skipped the half time play and called a team meeting, and I told my players that we shouldn't allow ourselves to be intimated by Onaquim's magic tricks, and it seems to have worked.”

And work it did. Ochuque came out of the half strong, blasting ten goals past Onaquim's Keeper Smiles-A-Lot, and only letting in two Onaquim returns. Still it looked like MC Onaquim would go away with a win when, with only three minutes to spare in the second half, Ochuque stinger Green Road nailed Onaquim slinger Yarrow Root as he was trying a shot on Ochuque's goal, scoring the first, and only sting, for Ochuque the entire game.

“The crowd went wild,” explained Green Road, “it was like we were playing in the Champion's Gourd and not the season opener.”

Onaquim was unable to respond, but prevented to lead from growing any larger. With the defeat in last year's Champion's Gourd still rankling in their breasts, MC Onaquim will need more patience if they are ever to enact their revenge.

[Menukten]

MC Chetters Bulldozes Club Gitner

Menukten Newswire

In the seasonal opening of Premier League Slingitch's Western Conference in Menukten, MC Chetters stomped Club Gitner 1-0-11 (18) to 0-6 (6)

"It was painful to watch," says Jeremy Fire Lynx, "and I'm a Chetters fan. I feel so bad for those poor Gitner fans. Gitner kept fumbling the squotch, and when they did manage to get it up field, their slingers couldn't find a way past our slingbacks."

MC Chetters scored all its eleven goals in the first half, slinging almost unchallenged in Gitner's crease. But the highlight of the game came when Chetters slinger Francis Stokes-the-Fire knocked a bottle in the third minute of the second half.

"I was slinging for a goal," Stokes-the-Fire admits, blushing, "but I missed and knocked the bottle instead."

Club Gitner conceded defeat soon after in the fifth minute of the second half.

"Its a real embarrassment," says Gitner Coach Quincey Runs-with-Horse, "but it just shows us how much room for improvement we have to accomplish."

[Lepakamehele]

Pukwas defeats Tekanaki 2-16 (22) to 0-15 (15)

Land of Tears Sportswire

Pukwas Lacrimic defeated Tekanaki Teared last night at Pukwas Stadiuam by a seven point margin, 2-16 to 0-15. With their slinger offence evenly matched, the game was decided by the efforts of the Pukwas stingers, Mud Rain and Hears-a-Cry, who landed a sting each on the Tekanaki squotch handler in the second half.

"Tekanaki is a good team," says Pukwas Coach Singing Elk, "we had a hard time stopping their offence and keeping them out of our sling zone. However their stingers just didn't seem Premier League material; they were slinging hacks way off mark and even hit their own players twice."

Last night game was only the second in this year's Slingitch season. Two night ago MC Onaquim lost to TC Ochuque 2-11 (17) to 1-15 (18).

[Buddha Punk Robot Monks]

The Buddhathread

Slingtich Club 2 defeats Slingitch Club 1

Slingitch Club 1 1-8 (11)
Slingitch Club 2 2-13 (19)

Today in the opening game of this year's Slingitch season in Buddha Punk Robot Monks SC 2 defeated SC 1 by 8 points at SC 1.

"They were 30% more efficient in their goal-scoring capabilities," declares Disciple 63962, a slinger for SC 1, "and they fumbled the squotch 20% less times than our team did. Plus their stingers were 50% more successful at landing stings on our squotch carriers. SC 1 must analyze these percentages and calculate strategies to overcome them."

[Menukten]

Menukten Sportswire
Morton's defeats St. Jude's at St. Jude's Stadium

Morton's MC 1-17(20)
St. Jude's Wailing 1-0-12 (19)

Morton's MC defeated St. Jude's in a closely contested match. Morton's, who finished last in Menukten's National Slingitch League last year, answered St. Jude's goal for goal until St. Jude's slinger Terrance Still Water knocked the bottle in the 13th minute of the second half.

"We were ecstatic" says St. Jude's Slinger Night Hawk who put in the bottle, "we were up by 1 at the time I knocked the bottle, and we thought we had the game made."

But Morton's quickly rallied and scored five goals in quick succession, while successful blocking St. Jude's replies.

"We we still up by two points three minutes before the clock ran out, but as I was lining up for a shot Morton's Stinger Resting Fox nailed me in the back. It was bad luck, we got the squotch, tried to drive it into St. Jude's sling zone for a shot, but they stuck to us like mud, and we couldn't find any openings."

[Dillah]

OKC VS Westborough Mourning

OKC 1-2-18 (31) (1 bottle, 2 stings, 18 goals, 31 points all together)

Westborough Mourning 0-8 (8) (no bottles, no stings, seven goals, seven points all together)

[Menukten]

OKC VS Westborough Mourning

OKC 1-2-18 (31) (1 bottle, 2 stings, 18 goals, 31 points all together)

Westborough Mourning 0-8 (8) (no bottles, no stings, seven goals, seven points all together)

Menukten Sportswire
Dillah's OKC trounces Westborough Mourning in interregional friendly

OKC 1-2-18 (31)
Westborough Mourning 0-8 (8)

"Its embarassing," says Westborough Coach Frederic Hears-a-Cry, "it was just a friendly, but the Dillan team outgunned us at all points. They had energy, they had finesse, they were making spectacular passes and shutting out our slingers from the crease. We were already down by twenty four points when, in our last desperate attempt to salvage our dignity, the squotch was intercepted and shot by one of their slingers for a bottle. Good thing it was only a friendly and won't count against us in the season runnings"

[Menukten]

League Results Western conference

Matchday 1

Club Gitner 0-17 (17) def. by St. Jude's Wailing 0-18 (18)
MC Chetters 0-14 (14) def. by Shakerly Lacrimic 1-15 (18)
Morton's MC 0-11 (11) def. by Phlox Hill 2-9 (15)

Code: Select all

                          Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
1 Blathers TC               1   1  0  0   19  10  +9    3
2 Shakerly Lacrimic         1   1  0  0   18  14  +4    3
3 Phlox Hill                1   1  0  0   15  11  +4    3
4 St. Jude's Wailing        1   1  0  0   18  17  +1    3
5 Club Gitner               1   0  0  1   17  18  −1    0
6 MC Chetters               1   0  0  1   14  18  −4    0
7 Morton's MC               1   0  0  1   11  15  −4    0
8 Westborough Mourning      1   0  0  1   10  19  −9    0

[Lepakamehele]

League Results Eastern Conference

Matchday 1

MC Onaquim 2-11 (17) def. Weeping Kwelake 1-12 (15)
Olpekat MC 0-17 (17) def. Tenaki Teared 0-14 (14)
Pukwas Lacrimic 1-15 (18) def. TC Ochuque 1-11 (14)

Code: Select all

                       Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
1 Pukwas Lacrimic        1   1  0  0   18  14  +4    3
2 Olpekat MC             1   1  0  0   17  14  +3    3
3 MC Onaquim             1   1  0  0   17  15  +2    3
4 Weeping Kwelake        1   0  0  1   15  17  −2    0
5 Tenaki Teared          1   0  0  1   14  17  −3    0
6 TC Ochuque             1   0  0  1   14  18  −4    0



[Buddha Punk Robot Monks]

Buddha Punk Robot Monks Major League Slingitch

Matchday 1

Slingitch Club 10 0-16 (16) def. by Slingitch Club 9 2-15 (21)
Slingitch Club 1 2-12 (18) def. Slingitch Club 8 0-14 (14)
Slingitch Club 2 1-25 (28) def. Slingitch Club 7 0-12 (12)
Slingitch Club 3 0-15 (15) def. by Slingitch Club 6 2-10 (16)
Slingitch Club 4 1-15 (18) def. Slingitch Club 5 0-11 (11)

Code: Select all

                        Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
 1 Slingitch Club 2       1   1  0  0   28  12 +16    3
 2 Slingitch Club 4       1   1  0  0   18  11  +7    3
 3 Slingitch Club 9       1   1  0  0   21  16  +5    3
 4 Slingitch Club 1       1   1  0  0   18  14  +4    3
 5 Slingitch Club 6       1   1  0  0   16  15  +1    3
 6 Slingitch Club 3       1   0  0  1   15  16  −1    0
 7 Slingitch Club 8       1   0  0  1   14  18  −4    0
 8 Slingitch Club 10      1   0  0  1   16  21  −5    0
 9 Slingitch Club 5       1   0  0  1   11  18  −7    0
10 Slingitch Club 7       1   0  0  1   12  28 −16    0


[Menukten]

Matchday 2 Western Conference

Westborough Mourning 0-12 (12) def. by Phlox Hill 1-13 (16)
Shakerly Lacrimic 0-19 (19) def. Morton's MC 0-9 (9)
St. Jude's Wailing 0-15 (15) def. by MC Chetters 0-22 (22)
Blathers TC 0-7 (7) def. by Club Gitner 1-13 (16)

Code: Select all

                          Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
1 Shakerly Lacrimic         2   2  0  0   37  23 +14    6
2 Phlox Hill                2   2  0  0   31  23  +8    6
3 Club Gitner               2   1  0  1   33  25  +8    3
4 MC Chetters               2   1  0  1   36  33  +3    3
5 Blathers TC               2   1  0  1   26  26   0    3
6 St. Jude's Wailing        2   1  0  1   33  39  −6    3
7 Westborough Mourning      2   0  0  2   22  35 −13   
8 Morton's MC               2   0  0  2   20  34 −14    0

[Lepakamehele]

Matchday 2 Eastern Conference

Weeping Kwelake 0-13 (13) def. by TC Ochuque 0-15 (15)
Tenaki Teared 1-10 (13) def. by Pukwas Lacrimic 1-12 (15)
MC Onaquim 1-11 (14) def. Olpekat MC 1-10 (13)

Code: Select all

                       Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
1 Pukwas Lacrimic        2   2  0  0   33  27  +6    6
2 MC Onaquim             2   2  0  0   31  28  +3    6
3 Olpekat MC             2   1  0  1   30  28  +2    3
4 TC Ochuque             2   1  0  1   29  31  −2    3
5 Weeping Kwelake        2   0  0  2   28  32  −4    0
6 Tenaki Teared          2   0  0  2   27  32  −5    0

[Buddha Punk Robot Monks]

Matchday 2 Major League Slingitch

Slingitch Club 9 0-9 (9) def. by Slingitch Club 5 0-19 (19)
Slingitch Club 6 1-11 (14) def. Slingitch Club 4 0-13 (13)
Slingitch Club 7 0-8 (8) def. by Slingitch Club 3 1-10 (13)
Slingitch Club 8 0-14 (14) def. by Slingitch Club 2 1-12 (15)
Slingitch Club 10 1-14 (17) def. by Slingitch Club 1 2-15 (21)

Code: Select all

                        Pld   W  D  L   PF  PA  PD  Pts
 1 Slingitch Club 2       2   2  0  0   43  26 +17    6
 2 Slingitch Club 1       2   2  0  0   39  31  +8    6
 3 Slingitch Club 6       2   2  0  0   30  28  +2    6
 4 Slingitch Club 4       2   1  0  1   31  25  +6    3
 5 Slingitch Club 3       2   1  0  1   28  24  +4    3
 6 Slingitch Club 5       2   1  0  1   30  27  +3    3
 7 Slingitch Club 9       2   1  0  1   30  35  −5    3
 8 Slingitch Club 8       2   0  0  2   28  33  −5    0
 9 Slingitch Club 10      2   0  0  2   33  42  −9    0
10 Slingitch Club 7       2   0  0  2   20  41 −21    0