World Cup 59 RP Thread

[The Kytler Peninsulae]

My last audio RP for some time is a fairly big one in size (around 5:20, 5.5MB), but a huge one in significance...

[The Archregimancy]

From: The Holy Synod of the Archregimancy

To: Fr. David of the Woods

RE: Fr. Laurence 'MC Monky L-Man'

Dear Father David,

Following the conclusion of the Cup of Harmony, we have had the opportunity to investigate in more detail the case of your star forward Fr. Laurence, previously named 'the recluse', but now self-styled 'MC Monky L-Man'.

We have decided to allow him to continue to play for the team, but on official documents he must still be referred to as 'Fr. Laurence', though he many continue to use the informal style 'MC Monky L-Man' as a nickname.

It is our considered opinion that Fr. Laurence has taken on himself the holy burden of being a fool for Christ. As you are no doubt already aware, as officially defined by the Holy Synod, "The fool for Christ sets for himself the task of battling within himself the root of all sin, pride. In order to accomplish this he takes on an unusual style of life, appearing as someone bereft of his mental faculties, thus bringing upon himself the ridicule of others. In addition he exposes the evil in the world through metaphorical and symbolic words and actions. He takes this ascetic endeavor upon himself in order to humble himself and to also more effectively influence others, since most people respond to the usual ordinary sermon with indifference."

The success of his current hit single, 'The Superfunkalicious Prayer of the Proskomide', which has sold well in many Ordinary Reality countries - particularly Andossa Se Mitrin Vega, where Fr. Laurence has become something of a surprise star - convinces us that he is able to make who would otherwise resist our missionary efforts to become more receptive to the message of Holy Orthodoxy.

We realise that he may sometimes be a trial for you, but given his high profile, the success of his foolishness for Christ, not to mention his extraordinary efforts in the Cup of Harmony, we feel that you really can't do without him.

Best of luck this qualifying campaign! Our prayers are with you.

Yours in Christ,

The Holy Synod +

[The Archregimancy]

OOC - note to hosts and other teams in my group; all Holy Empire RPs this cup can be quickly and easily translated by copying and pasting into this website: http://www.bored.com/writebackwards/

".puc gnol a eb ot gniog si siht - dias I sA"

".lla ta gnol taht ton - sraey evitcejbus 057 tuobA"

"?emit tsal meht ekat ti did gnol woh dnA"

".melborp siht dah ew emit tsal eht did yeht ;yllautneve tuo detros ti teg ot dnuob era IPSI - tuoba yrrow t'ndluow I ,hO"

".nauJ ,puc gnol yrev a eb ot gniog si sihT"

".sdrawkcab gniklat eb ot mees lla yeht snaem retlif noitpecrep eht ni gnihtemos tub ,sdrawrof gniog llits era senilemit raenil riehT .puY"

"?sdrawkcaB"

".sdrawkcab ...llew ...s'ytilaeR yranidrO fo lla ,tuo detros siht teg nac IPSI litnu ,enoemiS ,si gniht ,eeS"

"?I od ,wonk ot tnaw t'nod yllaer I"

"?sdrawkcab ,llew ,gniklat erew dauqs gnurG gnA eht taht uoy ot mees t'ndid tI"

"?oS"

".retlif noitpecrep ytilaeR yranidrO eht htiw walf fo tros emos eb ot sraeppa ereht ,si gniht ,ees ,lleW"

"?thgin tsal noitisoppo eht dnatsrednu ot ytilibani ym htiw od ot evah taht seod tahW .nauJ ,rorrim a tuoba meop lacirohpatem a eb ot smees tI"

.hsif elbirret a ekil ,yad retfa yad reh drawot sesiR
namow dlo na em ni dna ,lrig gnuoy a denword sah ehs em nI
.ssenkrad eht secalper taht ecaf reh si ti gninrom hcaE
.seog dna semoc ehS .reh ot tnatropmi ma I
.sdnah fo noitatiga na dna sraet htiw em sdrawer ehS
.yllufhtiaf ti tcelfer dna ,kcab reh ees I
.noom eht ro seldnac eht ,srail esoht ot snrut ehs nehT
.si yllaer ehs tahw rof sehcaer ym gnihcraeS
,em revo sdneb namow A .ekal a ma I woN
.revo dna revo su etarapes ssenkrad dna secaF
.srekcilf ti tuB .traeh ym fo trap a si ti kniht I
gnol os ti ta dekool evah I .selkceps htiw ,knip si tI
.llaw etisoppo eht no etatidem I emit eht fo tsoM
.derenroc ruof ,dog elttil eht fo eye ehT
-lufhturt ylno ,leurc ton ma I
.ekilsid ro evol yb detsimnu ,si ti sa tsuJ
yletaidemmi wollaws I ees I revetahW
.snoitpecnocerp on evah I .tcaxe dna revlis ma I

"...siht daeR"

"?ksa ot tnaw I oD"

".hguoccih ronim a neeb s'ereht - enoemiS ,lleW ...hA"

".egaugnal rieht tahw rettam on ,mlaeR demaerD eht ni enoyreve dnatsrednu ot desoppus erew ew thguoht I .esnes edam dias sreyalp rieht fo yna gnihton ;thgin tsal ylisae os detaefed ew dauqs gnurG gnA taht htiw gnorw ylbirret smees gnihtemos ...nauJ"

[Mapletish]

Mapletish beats Montory 2-0 away to kick start the qualifying campaign ...

Your Football Kaki - John Smiths Reports - The rays of light from the floodlights reached the Montory's pitch,filled with enthusiasm and pride to represent Mapletish
for the World Cup 59 as part of the Mapletish media crew,I watched on as the Mapletish players walked out of the players' tunnel with their chests out to show
their pride as they played for Mapletish determined to get a win for the Mapletish Lions.The lions and the coaching team at the sidelines sang the national
anthem with gusto as they looked determined to win the first match of the World Cup's Qualifier to kick start their tempo.The seriousness shown on Muain's
shows the willingness for the lions to win.

Although there is this saying,winning isn't everything but against a team which is so proud to say that they will bang in 2 or more at home,it surely is a football
lesson for them.The football action started with a Montory kick-off,which was pretty boring,seeing them pass the ball around like kids playing football
in the park.Some of the Mapletish fans nearly fall asleep as they looked at the boring passing play in their own half passing around the defence as if it was a
passing drill.A total of 10 minutes passed and the Montory team started to get the ball out of their half only to be intercepted by the oncoming Mapletish midfield
which was solid and steady for the whole time.The midfield led by veteran Peres De Oliver and vice captain Steven Johnson put Alero Junio and JH Morison on
their toes.

Mapletish played out some exciting attacking moves as they broke through the Montory's defence within 2 minutes and broke into the penalty box and a slid
in pass to Morison was flunked out wide.Morison felled onto his knees with his hands covering his face in disbelief.Fellow striker Junio went up to him and comforted him.The play was back to square one as the Montory keeper did a short pass to one of his defenders,which was held onto for another 10 minutes.Morison was growing impatient
but he kept his cool and tried to intercept the ball.It seems that 10 minutes was not enough for to hold onto procession and another 10 minutes went by,the fans
started to feel bored as some Montory fans threw bottles to the pitch to announce their unhappiness.The Mapletish fans on the other side kept their cool and continued
to play the drums that they brought along.It was not until the 39th minute that they are willing to flood forward.

The Montory's forward line started to advance and a passing movement starts to make its way into the Mapletish defence but their attempt to break into the last four
was lost as the ball was intercepted by John Davis and Glena Johnson as they sandwiched the lone forward Kenny Powers.Mapletish started to bring the ball forward
as Steven Johnson revived the dead match with a darting run to the left flank and getting a long pass from the Mapletish half to the Montory's side as he tried to bring
the ball to the feet of either Junio or Morison.However he decides to pass to Steven Johnson and a precise and steady shot outside of the penalty box hit the bar.
Moans were heard but the drumbeats grew louder as the Lions' Supporters continue to show their enthusiasm as they cheered for their favourite players at the top
of their voice.The first half ends with a procession rating of 70% for Montory and 30% for Mapletish,Muain Newtons cheered his players on as they walked out of the pitch
with determined faces to turn the second half around.

Montory 0 - 0 Mapletish

The second half started with the kick off by Mapletish,cheers continue to fill the stadium as the fans seems glad to have Mapletish on the ball
as they have successfully got 2 shots on target despite a strong procession foothold by Montory.Mapletish held onto the ball for 10 minutes too to give Montory
the chance to have a frustration look on their faces but at least the ball was on Montory's half as the players started to get the Montory players giddy.The 53rd minute
was the minute for the first goal of the game,with the Montory players tired of chasing shadows,maybe because of their inexperience on the international stage,
they let their guard down and started to be a bit complacent.The captain of Montory, Paul McGrath tripped onto his home turf as he tried to intercept Junio as he
played around with him.He then dart forward to the penalty spot and give the keeper the real test of his skills as his shot flew into the top right hand corner of the goal
described as neat and swift,giving Mark Busnitch no chance at all as he got a knock on his shin,which wasn't too serious.

*SIGHS* the ball was back to Montory's hands again as they did a passing around parade.this time for 15 minutes and at their own half.Stevie Duke,
Franko Trent,Sid Jones,Diego Mchuck and Kenny Powers were all booked for time-wasting foul as they hesitated on the ball for too long.This gave the Montory fans
even more reason to start booing at the referee.Montory fans are starting to leave when the Montory side held onto the ball for a record 25 minutes,and this has led many Mapletish players to start to lose their cool,but they didn't show their anger.Mapletish finally got their ball back in the 75th minute as the Montory side finally knew how to
attack.Mapletish made use of this opportunity and Junio got the ball in to the goal for Mapletish to mark his second in the game.Montory must have lost their team spirit
all together as they started to let their guard down,as their sloppy passes gave Mapletish the chance to attack.In the last 10 minutes of the game,the ball stayed at the area
outside of the penalty box,as Mapletish tried to get another goal but to no avail as they decided to work on their procession and finally they managed to bring the procession
percentage to 50%-50%.The final whistle was sounded as Mapletish made a happy trip back home.

Montory 0 - 2 Mapletish

Goals & Assists Stats

Goals
Junio -------- 2
Assists
Morison ------- 2

Post Match Comments

Mapletish did well today as they have started the pathway towards the world cup right as we look to qualify for our first world
cup in our third try.Today's result could have been greater if not for the safe approach opted by Montory as they play the ball around their half for too long.
Although we might have won this opening match,we shouldn't be too complacent as we will face Northern Bettia next.The team in which we have defeated
twice in our World Cup 57 Qualifying campaign.I hope that the team can pull themselves together and at least get another 3 points to set our target right.The
World Cup is where we should belong,for a nation so desperate and ambitious to strive towards the top.

We did well today and that is one thing that we can cheer about.Montory is a side that we should beat if we want to reach the World Cup
tournament and eventually getting as far as we can go.I feel that there is a lot that we can improve as we need to get more than this if we were to get into the
World Cup.Northern Bettia is next on our list,the one to defeat,I believe that we will be able to defeat Northern Bettia as we want to get another 3 points.
To the best that we can achieve,cheers !

---

Deep Souls Within Me

- Muain Newtons' Extracts,Muain's part of Deep Souls Within Me....
-Deep Soul Searching ...

The World Cup is .... something that Mapletish should be in,isn't the World Cup just another tournament,I thought to myself one day,why would I want to focus just
so hard onto winning when I can just sit on my desk and just dream about glory and do nothing about it,like all those wise quotes,"Are you the ones sitting there
thinking about glory or Are you the ones getting all out striving for glory".I just couldn't understand why I was managing Mapletish in the first place,aren't I just another
ordinary person?Or am I just thinking too deep inside?I don't know the answer yet.The answer to glory was something that I hadn't found out.The reason why I am here
is still a quest for me to think about.Why should I be here in the first place,I would always asked myself whenever I get complacent,because I believe Complacency slows
us down,slows things down, and by thinking deeper inside it slows everything that is related to you.

I looked at the past extracts by Sir Billy's Deep Souls Within Me,a written football journal for Mapletish managers,and I would thought to myself,what was the main
difference between me and him?Is it the age gap or the experience gap that kept me away from the world of management stress.Backing me up on complacency was
the quota phrase that keeps me going even when times are hard.I would think that it is "soft",more like a challenge that makes my managerial career more interesting
rather than thinking that it is something that slows me down.There was once when I set off to the silent mountains to get away from the hustle and bustle of city life.
The air that I breathe in smells better than the one that I breathe in the city,I used this time to give myself a grace period for deep soul searching.

Lots of thoughts started to flood my minds and they appeared in the virtual,yet realistic settings in my head as I reviewed all my happenings of my life.To me doing
soul searching helps to think better if not faster and clearer and cleanse out all the unnecessary thoughts I might flood my mind with.I do wish that sometime I can get
out of all this stress by simply pressing a button and refresh,*BUMP* everything is back to normal.I do believe that it is isn't as easy as one,two,three and it seems to be the
way as if this story doesn't seems to end.It is definitely long yet it is my thoughts that take over now.I asked myself why football has been a part of me,my reply to
myself in my head and my heart and finally going into my mouth is,the brief short answer,I like it because I like it.That answer might be easy yet it creates an effect
that even the smartest person you know might not be able to explain it.I might not be the best writers around but at least I don't write sense,and my stories whirl everybody
around that even my teachers don't understand it.

Back to the main point,deep soul searching,what does it have to do with football,it is more of a dragging process,thinking of football is like a small journey towards,
due the day that you retire and every last chapter of your career might be the exciting start to the new chapter that is opening up.It is the same as life,as the last bits
come to an end,you might feel emotional but who knows,that might be the key for a greater new chapter coming in your way.The reason why I do things a much more
different way is because I believe that it keeps going,and it is only the end that matters sometimes.

---

[The Icemark]

Acapais 0 The Icemark 1
World Cup Qualifier
Kushan Stadium, Port Maypearl, Kempshire

A Redrought Lindenshield thunderbolt secured The Icemark a nervy 1-0 opening day win againsts Acapais. Acapais, a team competing in their first qualification campaign in over 70 years, ran the Bears Of The North incredibly close though. The lead was so slender that the result was in the balance right up until the final whistle. When full time arrived it provoked jubilant scenes of relief from the 10 traveling away fans.
While The Icemark excelled at the back, with right-back Grimswald particularly impressive, their efforts to press forward more often than not broke down. Lady Theowin was the most impressive of the offensive outlet, having a long range effort saved, and Lindenshield getting on the end of her cross only to head it over the bar.
It needed something impressive to break the deadlock and it came on 41 minutes when Theowin layed a ball off to Lindenshield, who from 25 yards out arrowed in a powerful and precise unstoppable effort into the top corner.
The Icemark had a few more chances in the second half; Lindenshield headed Annis's cross wide, while Theowin was denied a one-on-one chance.
There were worries at the end that goalkeeper Iphignea who made two good saves throughout the contest had been injured. She will be assessed later on today. If it turns out to be the case it means The Icemark will go into their next game with just 10 fit players, seeing as they only just managed to find 11 desperate enough to form the team in the first place.
Player/Manager Redrought Lindenshield said after the game, "I didn't expect anything other than a tough game today. People were saying to me we should comfortably win because we are ranked slightly higher, but when you've got two defensively minded teams going at it, it was always going to be difficult to score."

Goals:
Redrought Lindenshield, 41

Player Ratings:
Iphignea, 7, Grimswald, 7, Athelstan, 6, Athelflaeda, 6, Witchmother, 6, Annis, 7, Stagapoulos, 6, E Celeste, 6, Theowin, 8, Lindenshield, 8, L Celeste, 6

The Icemark Player Of The Match: Lady Theowin

Match Facts:
Shots On Target: 2
Corners: 4
Yellow/Red Cards: 0
Possession: 49%

Next Opponents:
The Wyverns will be traveling to the cold shores of The Icemark, as they get their home campaign underway. The Wyverns will go in as overwhelming favourites. The Bears Of The North will try to make life as tough as possible for the opposition, but despite the fact that they will enter the dreary Odin's Hall to a hostile and intimidating atmosphere, The Wyverns will have too much for The Icemark to contend with. (Prediction: 0-2)

[Baltskandio]

Sport ja Elu

Den Bølge are off to a slow start in World Cup qualifying group six, dropping their opener 3-1 to #74 Rhodesiah at Stadiono de Naciaj in Rønne. Sebastian Olesen opened the scoring for the home team on a cross from Kalev Lepp. But it didn't take long for the experienced Rhodesiah side to equalize, then pull ahead 2-1 just before half-time. A third Rhodesiah goal after 76 minutes sealed the win.

---

Baltskandio qualifying schedule

Baltskandio 1-3 #74 Rhodesiah
#92 Carasatoga away
Bye
#121 Cascratia
#334 Bloodbath Generation away
#18 Swartaz
#23 Pasarga away
Rhodesiah away
Carasatoga
Bye
Cascratia away
Bloodbath Generation
Swartaz away
Pasarga

(All Baltskandio home matches are played at the new Stadiono de Naciaj in the capital of Rønne, seating 47,792.)

[Wight]

.

[The Archregimancy]

MC MONKY L-MAN

'The Superfunkalicious Prayer of the Proskomide'

From his forthcoming Orthodox hip-hop CD "Hear what the L-Man sayin'"

Hey there all mah homies
Don't be gettin' lonely
This here's the Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan

He was led as a sheep to the slaughter.
And as a lamb before the shearer is dumb,
He opens not his mouth.
In his humiliation justice was denied Him.
Who shall declare His generation?
For His life is raised from the earth.

With all my nun honies singin':

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

Sacrificed is the Lamb of God,
The Son of the Father,
Who takes away the sin of the world
For the life of the world and for its salvation.

And one of the soldiers pierced
His side with a spear
And immediately there came
Out blood and water.
And he who saw it bore witness
And his witness is true.
Blessed is the union of the Holy,
Now and for ever,
And from all Ages to all

With all my nun honies singin':

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

On Thy right hand stood the Queen,
arrayed in gold in wrought with many colors.
And the star came and stood over the place
where the young child was.

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

The Lord hath reigned
He hath clothed Himself with majesty
The Lord hath clothed Himself with might
And hath girded Himself."
Thy virtue hath covered the Heavens,
O Christ
And the earth is full of Thy praise.
Shelter us in the shelter of Thy wings;
Drive away from us every enemy and foe;
Make our life peaceful;
O Lord, have mercy on us and on Thy world,
And save our souls,
For Thou art good and lovest mankind."

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan
Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan
Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

Blessed is our God
Who has thus willed
Now and for ever,
And from all Ages to all Ages."
For this Holy Oblation let us pray to the Lord.
Lord have mercy

With all my nun honies singin':

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

So now I be sayin, the Prayer of the Prothesis
O God our God,
Who has sent the Heavenly Bread
the Food of the whole world
our Lord and God Jesus Christ
as our Savior, Redeemer and
Benefactor to bless and sanctify us,
bless Thou this offering and
accept it on Thy Heavenly Altar.
Remember those who have offered it,
and those for whom it is offered,
as Thou art good and the lover of all,
and keep us uncondemned
in the celebration of Thy Divine Mysteries
for sanctified and glorified is
Thy most honorable and majestic Name
of the Father,
and of the Son,
and of the Holy Spirit;
now and for ever and from all Ages to all Ages.
Amen."

"Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan
Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan
Yes he's Monky L-Man
Rappin righteous out with God's plan"

Glory to Thee
O Christ our God and our Hope
Glory to Thee.
May He, Who was born in a cave
And lay in a manger for our salvation
Christ our true God,
Through the intercessions
Of His all-immaculate and
All-blameless Mother
And of all the Saints
Have mercy on us and save us,
For as much as He is good
And loveth mankind.

WORD!

Sung:
And the Word was with God
And the Word was God

<repeat to fade>

[Homelands our]

Who Is Above All else?

"He who has a merit of power is thy who one should be carful with for thy powerful one can turn at any one time"

The above line is taken from the book of para page 44 line 12. The book of para dates back to the imperial monarchy of Homelands Our who ruled the country before 1832. The uprising of 1832 killed off the royal family and made Homelands Our a republic, but that's a story for another day. The book of para was designed by peasants in the 1790's to help them take their rightful place in the nation. Tips, facts and helpful notes were all present in this book, but it was never to be shown to the wealthy or punishments would be handed out to all peasants. The book remains an important part in school history lessons 180 years after it was put to use. 

The message in the first lines warns people about the people with power, indirectly saying that they are sly, evil minded, selfish people. What does this mean for football in Homelands Our, can the players, the teams, the fans trust HOFA to run the game or are none really happy about who is on top of the game? Come with me as we take a look at how football is really thought of in Homelands Our.

May the story begin...

First it's off to Napio to get the views of the HOFCF (Homelands Our Football Clubs Federation). Spokesperson for HOFCF, John Byenry had this to say:
"HOFA is doing a great job in trying to improve the football here. However sometimes I think that we are ignored when they are making the big calls. Like when the feeder clubs in the HO league were created we had next to no say it how it would be formed."

To be continued...

[Milchama]

"So we have a roster"

"That's surprising"

"Not as surprising as our first result"

"Or that we realized there was a World Cup going on before MD 6"

"Both very true"

"Well anyway what was the first result?"

"5-0 Milchama"

"NO EFFIN WAY!!!"

"Yep, 5 goals for the Warriors, none for our vaunted opposition from Liventia"

"That's crazy"

"Yep"

"And what about the roster"

"Well something blew out of MFA offices"

"Hey the first sign of life there in 20 years!"

"I would high five you except that it's depressingly true"

"Oh... uh...."

"Yeah it's weird in there"

"That sound way to strange to be true"

"It is true, just trust me"

"Ok then"

"Anyway so what about this roster business?"

"Oh, well we have one"

"That's always a positive"

"Yes it is"

"Whose on it?"

"The Haltentop brothers are probably the most important players"

"Nice"

"Yeah, good guys"

"Go Ari!"

"Go Avi! In midfield I presume?"

"Yep and it's a 3-3-4"

"So we're back to the old!"

"Yeah but it's a defensive 3-3-4"

"That's annoying"

"Yep but still improvement"

"Yeah with this we could end up doing really well in the CoH"

"Well right now we could qualify for the World Cup"

"True, we can still dream"

"And maybe somebody can find some life in the MFA"

"Maybe..."

[Dorian and Sonya]

Unicorns Win Despite Poor Effort

Alura woke up with a splitting headache and a painful crick in her neck. The bunks aboard ship were not conducive to comfortable sleep - At least not as far as she was concerned. Add to that the fact that the Mystical Unicorns had been forced to leave following the match at Carddy, which they won 1-nil, because of the long trip home.

“You would think Mother would allow us to travel by normal means or even use magic rather than spend days aboard this floating tub.” She grumbled to herself.

The Princess did have a right to be grumpy. For weeks she had been run ragged between practice with the Unicorns and the endless stream of dinners where the Queen paraded endless numbers “eligible” young dignitaries in front of hoping she would choose one to marry. The ploy hadn’t worked. In fact it had done little more than tire her of such attentions and solidify her will not to get married. In any case she was in desperate need of some real rest.

In fact, the emtire Unicorns squad seemed to be off their game as the home squad had played well and kept it even for the first 73 minutes until J’jys broke free and scored. Still 1-0 over a nobody, even on the road, was nothing to brag about. Perhaps they would find their rhythm before the next match – if they could ever get off this damn boat.

[Phoenigetuzstha]

QEP News, Informing the Nation since the Great Transition

Phoenigetuzstha Pull Off Dream Result Away At Jeru FC

The Phoenigetuzsthan National Football Team tonight pulled off a stunning 2 -2 away draw against group favourites, Jeru FC, a team made up entirely of females. Away fans seemed euphoric from what we gathered from them, here is one jubilant fans response to the question: "Do you think Phoenigetuzstha can qualify out of the group after this results?"

"I truly believe that Phoenicopter-thingy can get through the tennis tournament being held in my a**-hole. Its very warm up there, and so there's a chance that they can get out." - A drunken fan

Other, more sober fans told of the emphatic draw as a sign that Phoenigetuzstha may indeed do well in the tournament. Certainly, the win will lift the spirits of Saevam Phoenicopteri, and may indeed propel them further in the competition. There next match is against Carmadin, who embarrassingly lost against Sativaville, who are a total of 157 places behind their adversaries, yet they came away with the win. For a more in detail look at the matches in Group 3, I will hand over to Maxim Gaba for the sports report.

---

Hello, and welcome to the sports report, with me Maxim Gaba. We will focus on the game between Phoenigetuzstha, and Jeru FC. Here was the Phoenigetuzsthan line-up before the game:

----------Adonis Jamal----------


----------Hannibal Gisgo----------'Adon Gastu----------Sakarbal Baalqemar----------Ariarethees Hapotur----------





----------Antar Hammoiya------------------------------Himilico Annibasti (C)------------------------------Mehdi Hammoiya----------


----------Hamilqart Mithral----------


----------Mithridates Tauras----------Tigran Eupator----------

The Phoenigetuzsthan boss, Nebuchad Bel-Hammonis decided to play a 4-3-1-2 formation, intended to exploit the wings as well as the centre, putting pressure on the defence of Jeru FC. When the match begun, Phoenigetuzstha were widely viewed as underdogs, and that was reaffirmed when Bryci Cake slotted a goal in on the 13th minute. She then removed her top in celebration, to the pleasure of many of the male fans, before being yellow carded for the said celebration.

Jeru FC doubled their lead on the 43rd minute, with Sasha Saints, driving a powerful free kick into the goal. She celebrated by insinuating that she was dogging something, thrusting her crotch back and forth, with fists clenched, and lip bitten. She was not penalised for this however, as there was no rule to say she couldn't celebrate in this way. As the second half started, Phoenigetuzstha kicked off, and almost immediately began attacking, with Nebuchad's plan finally paying off. As the Jeru players began to tire, Saevam Phoenicopteri closed in, Hamilqart Mithral setting up Mithridates Tauras on the 62nd minute. Jeru however remained in the lead until the 87th minute, when Antar Hammoiya made a searching cross into the box, picking out Tigran Eupator for the finish. As the final whistle went, a huge roar was heard from the Phoenigetuzsthan fans, as they earned their first point of the campaign, against the most powerful opponent.

In other news, as you heard before, Carmadin lost 1-0 at home to Sativaville, who are ranked 157 places lower than Carmadin, an embarrassing thing indeed for Phoenigetuzstha's next opponents. Also in the group, Yesopalthia thrashed unranked Kogvuron 6-2 to take the early lead in the group.

That's all from sports day, thank you for watching!

[Bears Armed]

"Hwell, promising start."

"Ayyuh. Not that anybody hrreally forecast much hope for Swalenia against our girls, though..."

"No, maybeso not, but it's still nice to open the series with a clear win: Hrright?"

"Hrright."

"So, next up it's some place called Felbah: We're 'away' for that game, but then on the other paw the NSWCC currently ranks them even lower than it doesSwalenia."

"Ayyuh, but hrremember that that low ranking so far is because they haven't actually played verry many games internationally yet: They might maybeso be able to surprise people!"

"Hrright, I do know that, and I've warned the team to try and avoid over-confidence too."

"Good."

"Anyhows, I've decided to give our [second pair of defenders starting roles for that game, instead of their elders, as we discussed: They're pretty good too, I think, and they deserve the chance."

"Hokay."
"So, how well do you think the other Bears will fare this time around?"

"Probably not qualifiers, again, I think, but maybeso -- unlike last time around -- they'll get to hrrather higher up their group by the end of the series than they hwere yesterday morning.
"How well did they play yesterday afternoon, anyhows?"

"It was their 'bye' day, actually."

"Ah. Well, we'll hear."

[Thatius]

7 Days of Soccer

Thatius now makes its third World Cup Qualifying appearance, this time being placed in might Group 8, full of several sporting powerhouse countries. Most notably: The Holy Empire and The Kiaser Colonies. Once again, the Thatian Firebirds have a chance to make it to their first World Cup, where they could be competing in Polar Islandstates or Vilita. The Firebirds had a really good run at the 50^th Cup of Harmony held in New Montreal States, finishing first in the group while beating Pretty Awesome Persons and Mangolana while tying with Homelands Our. In the Round of 16, they lost to eventual champ Astograth, 0-1. Now they move on to World Cup 59, where stiff competition from all corners of the globe await. As the 78^th ranked team, Thatius might just have a chance to qualify for their first ever World Cup.

Matchday 1 - Bye
Unfortunate for Thatius, we drew the first matchday bye, which doesn't really help because the Firebirds will have to play six consecutive matches without a break. Thankfully though this break is most useful for the second week, where we will have some rest in order to prepare for the three hardest matches against TKC, Antoletia, and the Holy Empire.

Matchday 2 - vs. _[51] The Kiaser Colonies
As the opener for Thatius' qualifying dreams, the Firebirds will face the Kiaser Colonies at home. They play at RheinBank Arena, the second biggest soccer stadium in the city. Well, the biggest as of now, seeing as the larger stadium is undergoing renovations. The home environment will be crucial in the opener, and might give Thatius the slight upper-hand. However, a daunting fact to note is that TKC blasted away 334^th ranked Merfurian yesterday in their opener. Thatius has never played the Kiaser Colonies before, so it will certainly be a competitive and entertaining match.

Matchday 3- @ _[38] Antoletia
More bad luck for Thatius. (And don't even get started on what will be coming after this.) They play, arguably, the second hardest team in their second day of competition, Antoletia. Also, they qualified for the last World Cup after finishing first in Group 18, so they have the experience in the group stage. Antoletia handled Legalese with ease yesterday, so will also be just as tough, if not tougher as TKC. Expect this one to end at the wire, with a late goal to give one team (hopefully Thatius) the win.

Matchday 4- vs. _[4] The Holy Empire
Oh no...drawing the number four in the world is never fun, especially if their name is The Holy Empire. THE is on a whole different level when playing football, and will probably be the toughest out of all the group competitors for Thatius. They are expected to finish first in the group, of course, but who knows, Thatius might pull off an upset. They've done it before (albeit in different sports,) but stranger things have happened compared to the 78^th ranked team beating the 4^th ranked team. Nonetheless, we have to think that THE will pull away with two victories, although a smaller margin of victory while playing in Thatius.

Matchday 5- @ _[315] Ang Grung
Ang Who? We've never heard of Ang Grung, but have researched them a bit and found out that they have actively participated in the Atlantian Oceania Confederation of Association Football Cup. They were also in the 46^th Baptism of Fire with very poor results. We expect Thatius to easily beat them, just like how The Holy Empire handled them 6-2.

Matchday 6- vs. _[120]Legalese
Legalese is an old nation, but has a rich history in sports. They will certainly be competitive against many of the other group members, but we don't see them finishing above fourth. The Firebirds will take down Legalese in both matches, but will have trouble playing away, as they always do.

Matchday 7- @ _[334] Merfurian
Another unknown team to us. Like Ang Grung, they participated in the 46th Baptism of Fire. They finished last in Group E, amassing two draws and two wins. It will be certainly less competitive when they face Thatius for the first time.

Expected record at end of first series of matches: 4-1-1, placing 2^nd

[Stachland]

Stachland Reds

Future of the Stachland Reds
by Witold Elliott

The Stachlandic national football team has participated on the international stage for five World Cups now. In that time, the Reds have gone to one Baptism of Fire—in which they finished with a mixed record of three victories and three defeats—three Cups of Harmony, never having been eliminated in the group stage of that competition, and, most importantly, a single World Cup.

The Reds will be looking to add to that last group this year with a trip to World Cup 59. The thirty-sixth-ranked team in the world suffered a difficult qualifying campaign last year, and bowed out in the Cup of Harmony in the first tournament round. No one factor led to this disappointment following three excellent performances in previous campaigns—it was simply a culmination of several small errors.

The World Cup 59 campaign got off to a rough start yesterday, with the Reds falling one-nil to the top seed in Group Two, Akbarabad, at home. Still, the rest of the schedule bodes well, and a single early loss should not be dwelt upon for too long with so many winnable matches still to come.

With original head coach Theodore Czacki making a powerful return to the helm of the Reds, and with much of the original team still playing—the only exception being Nigel Svirvsky, who, at thirty-three, has suffered a series of injuries that have forced him to withdraw from his position as defensive captain of the national team.

Everett Lang and Janus Chambliss, at thirty-five and thirty-two, are approaching the twilight of their careers, but still have at least a World Cup's worth of dominance in them, particularly after Lang's surprising victory in the National Series this year, the first in his eighteen-year career and the first in the history of the Chevrin Nova.

As always, every Stachland Reds match will be broadcast nationally on NMA1, with coverage and analysis occurring on all associated National Magazine for Athletics channels.

[West Zirconia]

The Daily Herald

For all your World Cup news

Price WZC1.35

OOPS!

World Cup campaign get off to a bad start

West Zirconia's qualification for the World Cup stuttered in their opening game, as the national side lost 2-1 at Chetkosk.

Ray Scott, who is beginning to attract attention from foreign clubs, put the Meerkats in front after just six minutes. The team knew that parking the bus, so to speak, would have been suicidal, so chose to continue their counter-attacking attitude to the match. This approach nearly paid dividends when Alun Lydiate found himself through on the Chetkosk goalkeeper, but an excellent save prevented the lead being doubled.

Whatever the Chetkosk coach said to his team at half-time must have been effective, as they came out with all guns blazing. It was only a matter of time before the equaliser arrived, as it did with just ten minutes of the half gone. The game was turned in the hosts' favour when a Chetkosk attacker appeared to fall rather easily under Stuart Palmer's challenge. Qazoxian referee Nathan Feldman fell for the simulation, and awarded the penalty, as well as a yellow card at Palmer's protestations. The ensuing penalty, effortlessly converted, proved to be the winner.

The bye, during which the other teams play, has come at the right time, giving the Meerkats time to recover before their second match, when West Guiana visit Markham.


Can the Meerkats qualify for the World Cup? Was this just a temporary setback? Are all Qazoxian referees so inept? Do we ask too many questions? Have your say - call the Daily Herald on 0762 518518, email comment@dailyherald.co.wz or write to Comments, Daily Herald, Ellis Street, St. Martin SM1 3AP.

[Ipeland]

World Cup 59: Radiatia 2-1 Ipeland

Ipeland have had a bad start to their World Cup 59 qualifying campaign, losing 2-1 to BoF quarter-finalists Radiatia. The result only added insult to injury, as two Ipeland players, Ben Marsh and Dylan Evans, suffered broken ankles missing they will miss the next three games.

Of course I am disappointed with the result,
but you can't blame it on how the boys played. It was a mixture
of bad luck and the wind

Deniel Stainag, Ipeland manager/goalkeeper

The teams lined up together on a very abnormally windy day. The ball took a few tries to put down in the center spot, but the

referee decided to leave it as it is after the fans got a bit restless and started mumbling threateningly. The game kicked off as the wind blew stronger, and the players couldn't move that much going against the wind. The few fans who had decided to brave the wind were sent back inside after the match was deemed unsafe after 10 minutes. The match was stopped and the players sent back into the dressing room, which was an unpopular decision, and a few players stayed out despite the referee trying to force them back in. The fans inside the TV room apparently wanted to attack the referee. After 20 minutes, the wind had died down a bit, the teams came back out to restart the game from an Ipeland throw-in. The wind still affected the football with high shots flying everywhere. Ipeland were struck a blow when a slightly late tackle from a Radiatia midfielder, resulted in Ben Marsh being stretchered off, 15 year old Alex Carting replacing him. The wind drowned out the half time whistle the half finishing 0-0.

The second half started with a much lighter winds than the first half. The first real chance of the actual game, fell to Alex Carting ten yards out, whose shots were comfortably saved by the Radiatiani goalkeeper. Dylan Evans became the second player to be injured in the game, hobbling off to be replaced by Tyler Johnson. Ipeland continued to press, Kevin Texan's shot tipped over the bar by the goalkeeper, and Chase Jackson's shot was just put wide by the wind. Radiatia scored the first goal after a quick lull in play, a Radiatia midfielder heading past Deniel Stainag. This encouraged the rest of the team who kept on pressing, scoring the second goal in the 76th minute, a Radiatia attacker drilling the shot from 8 yards out into the bottom left hand corner. Radiatia relaxed, letting Ipeland score a consolation in added time, Carting tapping in from a Noah Moore corner.

The Wind

The wind was probably a deciding factor in the Radiatia win yesterday was the wind. With it blowing left, right and center, both teams struggled to even shoot in the first half. The wind favoured Radiatia, the wind not blowing in their shooting direction, but the wind still interrupted pretty much every shot that they had. As you can see by the graph to your right, the shots went wildly wide.

The wind was blowing at 65mph from the North-West in the first ten minutes, in which two shots were fired towards the goal, one which pretty much back to the same player who shot it, and another which went out for a throw-in. The wind died down but the shots didn't go near the net, most of them resulting into a goal kick. Radiatia's goals were also helped by the wind, despite the wind's being much, much lighter. The first goal came from a clearance which was pushed back into the box and the Radiata midfielder just got hid head to it. The seccond goal came from a poor corner that was blown south by the wind to the striker who scored the second goal

[Carmadin]

Stoners win!

A shocking occurance occured in Carmadin tonight. No i don't mean Sativaville won 1-0 thanks to a 39th minute goal from Linda Martin nor was it the usual team celbration of a win afterwards with everyone toking the hookah. Niether was it the squirrel that ran onto the pitch nor the hawk that swooped down to catch it. No, it was that the Sauh'h'dohm Zl'xohj ahz Tohg'auh'tohm ohw Kahr'mah'dihn kept mispronouncing the Sativavillian names. Really? You'd think a nation with names such as Choysz, Gaht'oth and Oyt'j could pronouce simpler names such as Martin, Weaver and Sarmiento with ease. But no they couldn't. Maybe they can only talk with their mouths full of marbles or peanut butter, as appearently, they need to do so to just to talk with each other. Well, to avenge this dishonor, when we host Carmadin, everyone on their team shall be called Joe.

Up next, Sativaville will host Kogvuron, who were lambasted by Yesoplaitha 6-2 yesterday. Hopefully the Stoners can do the same to the nameless wonders. That's not a cute nicknames, their team hasn't released a roster, and we're wondering what their names are.

Just how do you say that again? Oh man, okay, let me try again. Mearton?
I'm really glad I can't speak whatever language those stoners use. Now, most of that is probably "whee...look...I can see preeeety lights", or something like that, but those names are damn hard to pronounce. Damn hard, I say. Who calls themselves, now, how did you spell it? M-A-R-T-I-N? Or W-E-A-V-E-R? It's ridiculous. Come to think of it, almost all the teams we play against have the weirdest names you could imagine. Mooton? Oh man.
You know, I wish everyone in this world could just speak Carmadese. The world says we talk weird, the world says they can't pronounce our names. Hell, most people outside Carmadin can't even say "Sauh'h'dohm Zl'xohj ahz Tohg'auh'tohm ohw Kahr'mah'dihn".
I mean, come on. What's so hard about pronouncing "h'h'd", or "Zl'x". I mean, the people can't even say "ohw" without making that damn 'W" silent, and just saying "oh". Sometimes I wonder if people on this planet talk with their mouths full of peanut butter.

When that squirrel went on to the pitch, and the fans who had become more interested in the hawks circling above than the game below let out a collective "ooooooh", it wasn't an "ooooooh" at all. To these peanut-butter-talkers, it was more like a collective "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm!!". Even when the match was stopped so none of the players would run into the hawk, busily tearing out the innards of the squirrel, nobody said "ewwww" or even "gross". Just "mmmm" or "gmmmm". I think it's high time that the world, or at least just our qualifying group, started working out their mouths, practicing their carmadese, and they do need to STOP eating so much peanut butter sandwiches. Instead of those sandwiches, try some Wo'zh'lahkhtohlh, a tasty thin wafer unique to Carmadin, and not hard to pronounce at all!

Paenoot Bettir??

--end of rp response--

---

Damn. Damn. Damn. We had it going so good, too. It was the 80th minute, and it was 1-0. 1-0. We could have drawn. We had it. In the 80th minute, Dowv Daz took a pass from Ahtaeh Ahsaeh. Right on his foot, too. He started the charge, Oht aw ee Wo running alongside him. He brought his foot back, no match at all for the Sativaville defenders. Then, disaster struck. One step ended our hopes. Oht aw ee Wo was a step ahead of the final Sativaville defender when Dowv's boot made contact.
The whistle blew just as the ball sailed to the net.

---

Dowv Daz watched his shot sail at the goal. It looked true. The entire game seemed to replay in his head, and he realized how hard he had played. He had given his all for his nation, and it was about to come true. He remebered the shot he had taken earlier, in the 53rd minute, only to be denied by the Sativaville goaltender. So far, this was his only save of the game. One save in eighty minutes. Kihxaw had been doing well, too. Just a slip in the 39th, when a blast from Lihndah Mahrtihn (Carmie-ized) from just outside the box managed to slip by his outstretched fingers. That had really brought down team morale. However, at the half, everyone was confident. The coach gave one of his usual inspiring talks, and the team came out of the lockers confident, and ready to blast Sativaville right out of the water. They were down 1-0, but you wouldn't know it. They exited the locker rooms to a rousing chorus of "Today", and began play.
Chances came like rain in april, and Dowv Daz started it, taking the cross from Guh Thi Nurng on his left foot and nearly converting it, only to be denied by the goaltender.
Right after that shot, the game was disrupted for a bit, as a squirrel invaded the pitch, and was messily devoured by a hawk. Once the blood was clear and the fans calmed, the game resumed.
Carmadin kept the ball in Sativaville's end, blasting shot after shot after shot, but all being either blocked by defenders or going wide.

Now, this ball was headed for goal

---

That whistle nearly brought me to tears. It was right there. The ball rippled the back of the net to no applause. Dissapointment seemed to hand in the stadium. The ball, the shot, had been right there. Unfortunately, what was also right there was Oht aw ee Wo's foot, obviously and drastically in front of the last defender, and the ball. The goaltender came right out of the box, to celebrate with his team, even though there were still 10 minutes of play, somehow Sativaville knew that they had pulled off the upset.

It was sadness, disspointment, and anger all in one.

---

What the hell was that goalie doing? He had to be high, couldn't he see the ball hurtling, straight and true, to his goal? The goal he was sworn to defend?
Then Dowv heard the whistle.
The whistle that would end his hope.

The ball hit the back of the net, but all eyes were already on the ref.

Offside.
No goal.

No goal.
No win.

No win.
Bad start.

Bad start.
Humiliation.

Humiliation.
Bad morale.

Bad morale.
Bad performance.

Bad performance.
Offside.

Those thoughts flashed through Dowv's head, all in second, as he looked, stunned, at the sky. He seemed to be pleading to Margaret, please, why? Why?
Oht aw ee Wo was crumpled in a heap, Guh Thi Nurng and Kihxaw Jahp looked like they were crying.
Dowv looked at the cloudy sky. There was no Margaret there to plead to.
Only the hawks, wheeling, circling, over the quiet stadium.

---

"YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!"

The chant was sung from a hundred thousand throats, as the initial shock wore off, blind fury filled even the casual fans. Offside? Offside on the goal that would have given them a draw, or even the game? It was obvious that the call was legitimate, but the anger was still red-hot.
A pair of glasses was hurled at the referee, along with a new chant:

"GET A F*CKING PAIR OF GLASSES!"

Carmadin Park itself seemd to be furious. A loss. In our big opener. The shock, the pain, was unbelievable. We only have to hope that Carmadin does better traveling to Phoenigetuzstha.

"YOU SUCK, ASSHOLE!"

[Socialist States Owen]

Hanox torn apart by fearsome FSSO
By Clint Covey from the Bastion Arena (Attendance: 88,493)

FSSO - 3
Kane 18
Thompson 40
Daley 83

HANOX - 1
Dassuna (OG) 90

It was plain sailing for the FSSO at the Bastion Arena last night as they strolled to victory against Hanox.

To get off to a good start with a comfortable home win was the objective for this match from an FSSO point of view; which is why it's surprising that manager Ben Randall chose to play an experimental XI to test the squad as a whole. The team (Connors, Robertson, Davis, Dassuna, Kerr, Kane, Ryans, Aduna, Buckson, Daley, Thomas) that came out was a unique XI, these players having never played in this set up before. However they played like this lineup was the regular fare, with an impressive pass completion rate of 92%, and they never looked like letting Hanox into the game.

This was evident from the start, as Sam Thomas went close only two minutes in with a rifled shot from the edge of the box that went straight at the keeper. The young striker has struggled for goals in his few games for FSSO so far but was unlucky today, as he hit the post five minutes later with a bullet header from Kieran Kane's corner. Kane would give FSSO the leader after 18 minutes. John Buckson gained posession and jogged past the lacklustre Hanox right back with relative ease, before crossing to the unmarked Kane who finished the move with a well executed volley from 8 yards.

FSSO continued to dominate with a good display of attacking football and were unlucky in general over the course of the game, hitting the woodwork four times. The second woodwork hit occured in the 32nd minute as the brilliant Kane struck the bar with a driven shot from 20 yards. Hanox were extremely lucky not to concede three minutes later as Kane delivered an inswinging ball into the area - not a single Hanox player got near the ball and Scott Daley had a moment to forget as he sliced wide from 5 yards. But in the 40th minute the FSSO finally put distance between themselves and Hanox, as Steve Thompson sidefooted home from the edge of the box after Thomas cut the ball back to him following a superb run into the area.

The second half display was less intense but chances continued to be created, the first notable one coming from Kane who hit the bar again with a curled shot from a narrow angle. In the 70th minute the FSSO were denied a blatant penalty after Daley was pulled down in the box, and only thirty seconds or so later John Buckson hit the post with a flick from Kane's corner. Finally the third goal came in the 83rd minute from hard working Scott Daley. The 6ft 7in journeyman centre forward launched himself at a Persa Ryans cross with a diving header to power the ball past Hanox's frustrated keeper.

However, manager Ben Randall will be annoyed the FSSO did not get a clean sheet after a last minute gaffe. Buschak Dassuna had to deal with a long ball from a Hanox midfielder, and was not under any pressure from the Hanox captain who was a few metres behind him - yet he made a poor decision and virtually rifled the ball back at goalkeeper Rick Connors, who was powerless to stop the shot from going into the bottom corner. A dissapointing finish to an encouraging victory.

FSSO Player Ratings

35. Rick Connors - 6/10 - Satisfactory performance from the young keeper. Was not at fault for the goal.
15. Michael Robertson - 7/10 - Good performance. Supported the midfield so that Ryans and Aduna could push forward.
19. Buschak Dassuna - 5/10 - Energetic display spoilt by a very bad error. Not his first either.
21. Grant Davis - 6/10 - Solid game from the Old Rook.
23. Nicholas Kerr - 7/10 - Left back Kerr put in a strong display going forward and holding the line.
16. Kieran Kane - 10/10 - Outstanding performance from the young winger who continues to impress. Definite succsessor to McCroft.
24. Persa Ryans - 8/10 - Controlled the midfield; controlled the game.
8. Carlos Aduna - 6/10 - Looking for a regular place back in the team but failed to make a strong claim today.
18. John Buckson - 7/10 - Created a lot of chances. Deserved a goal.
17. Scott Daley - 7/10 - Wasteful (Especially that miss!) but otherwise a good display.
25. Sam Thomas - 8/10 - Unlucky not to score in a charged up display.

Man of the Match - Kieran Kane

Next up: Away at Ancharmunn.

[The Enornkian Isthmus]

Enornkia 4-0 Anaujundar

Кваліфікаційна кампанія для національної збірної з футболу вийшов на, мабуть, кращий старт будь-хто міг сподіватися вчора в огром. Команда перемогла опонентів Anaujundar 4-0 в від 50 026, найбільший натовп на футбольний матч в перешийку.
У той час кваліфікація практично неможливо, перешийок сподівається, по крайней мере, миритися добре зарекомендували себе на цьому чемпіонаті світу!

The qualifying campaign for the national football team got off to perhaps the best start anyone could have hoped for yesterday in Enor. The team defeated opponents Anaujundar 4-0 in from of 50,026, the largest ever crowd for a football match in the Isthmus.
While qualification is nearly impossible, the Isthmus hopes to at least put up a good showing in this world cup!

[Karditan]

Silveen Eleco is leaning against a wall near a coffee shop, sipping at a nice hot cup of tea while Emanuel Portico paces in front of him.

"Calm down, Manny. Cassadaigua is near the top of the world in rankings, and our defenders were playing such rubbish today that giving up only three goals should be a boost to your reputation. It's ridiculous how many shots on goal they had, while me and Korzado only got one each the entire game. If you had managed to block every shot in that game and forced a 0-0 tie, we'd have no choice but to induct you into the hall of fame immediately and force you to retire so you wouldn't have to worry about living up to such an incredible feat."

"It's not the game I'm worried about; this just got me thinking..." Emanuel reached into his pocket and pulled out a very expensive-looking wedding band.

"Wow! I know you're a successful thief, but how could you have had enough money to buy something like that? And I'd say you should be worried if you're seriously considering popping the question this shortly after meeting Sweet."

Emanuel shot him a horrified glance. "Do you really think a gentleman thief such as myself would so quickly tie my self down into a commitment like that? Not only would it be completely idiotic to try and file everything without the police figuring me out, but I have to think of Sweet's well-being. I have to put her first, and I don't want to rush into this and put her in danger. If she's tried as an accomplice in Karditan she could do some time, not to mention splattering mud to her name and probably her parents disowning her. The only solution to an immediate hitch-ment would be for us to run off to elope in a foreign country and live happily ever after out there, except we wouldn't be happily ever after. She'd be leaving her entire life behind, all her friends and family, a country she loves. There's just no way it could work right now."

"...now I feel lonely. I thought I was in love once, but I've never been so head-over-heels obsessed like you are... you've really tried to think out every possible way you two could be together and drew a blank, and now you're willing to give her up to keep her safe and happy. I can't help but think all my chances at finding the woman to make me feel that way are gone..."

Emanuel cracked a smile and stopped pacing. "Ah, you overestimate me. I'm not madly in love; I might become so, given time, but I've had that shpeel laid out for a long time. I've always wanted to settle down with a nice girl; a house in the suburbs, white picket fence, two-point-five kids, all that. But I've come to accept the realities of life as a criminal after long nights of thinking during long years of pondering. I might be able to make things work with Sweet, but it would probably take a few years to iron out all the details. And there is a wide world out there," he pauses and waves around the town with a 'and beyond' flair at the end, "and it's full of women who want a rich man. There's still plenty of opportunities out there."

"Well, I guess that just leaves one question. Where did you get the band?"

"Oh, this thing? I slipped it off that Tara Moreau bugger after she scored their third goal."

"So the game did bother you."

"Yeah, but don't tell anyone that."

[Cowardly Pacifists]

The C.P. Sports Report
The First Publication Dedicated to Sports News in the Armed Republic of Cowardly Pacifists


CHICKENS GET SET FOR THEIR FIRST APPEARANCE IN THE WORLD CUP QUALIFIERS: TONIGHT'S HOME MATCH-UP WITH OCTINSTINE

The Frightened Chicken's home stadium - The Chickendome_tm - is located in the Armed Republic's capital city of Phrytton

Wednesday, March 28th - Phrytton, A.R.C.P.

Headline: The ₂₀₇Chickens are setting up for their first World Cup match tonight in the Chickendome_tm, their home turf in the majestic capital city of Phrytton. Having drawn the #1 spot in Group 14, the Frightened Chickens enjoyed a bye during the first round of group play. The team took full advantage of their day of rest, sending members of the starting line-up to scout the other Group 14 teams.

Team Captain Brian Craven - along with GK Frank Faste and the team's fullbacks - scouted the match between ₆₆Octinstine and _unrkdThe Imperial Canadian Dutchy. "The 3-1 final score told us a lot about both of these teams," Craven reported, "Of course, everyone expected 66-ranked Octinstine to roundly squash the lowly Canadian Dutchy. And by all measures, they did just that - so we know Octinstine's reputation for lively and efficient offense is well-deserved. Then again, they also gave up a goal to an unranked squad - so we also know that Octinstine's offensive focus comes at a price, and we may well be able to exploit their over-commitment to offense when the time comes. Hopefully, we'll manage to put this information to good use in our opening match."

The team's defensive wings and defensive midfielders - headed by WB Dennis Peacefield - scouted the match between ₁₁₈Burchadinger and ₉₈Ko-oren. "This match was billed as perhaps the closest we're gonna see to an 'even' contest in our group," Peacefield reported, "Burchadinger and Ko-oren are fairly close in the rankings, at least compared to other teams in Group 14. I think the 1-0 Ko-oren victory was pretty much expected, and doesn't tell us a whole heck of a lot about either team. It is interesting that Burchandinger was beat at home - it stands to reason that if they were gonna beat Ko-oren they would have done it now and not later when they'll have to face the Ko-oren squad on their native turf. But that's really just a bunch of conjecture on my part."

Finally, Assistant Captain Steve Flinchmun and the Chicken's two other midfielders scouted ₉Mytannion v. ₃₁Saugeais. "What an incredible result!" Flinchmun reported, "Mytannion is ranked above any other team in our group by a wide margin. To see them manage only a tie against Saugeais was quite a sight, and at home no less! Not to take anything away from Saugeais - they're the clear #2 in this group and the most likely to give Mytannion a run for their money. But I think it's fair to say that most expected Mytannion to come out and make a statement in this first match. There seem to be some chinks in the Mytannion armor that our team might be able to exploit. Then again, Coach always says to be cautious - it's quite possible that Mytannion is just experiencing some early jitters, or that Saugeais is particularly motivated this cycle. You can't really draw any conclusions from just one game."

Next Opponent: Home from their scouting expeditions and ready to put the information they've gleaned to good use, the ₂₀₇Frightened Chickens will open their World Cup play tonight against the ₆₆Octinstine FC. Coach Encover was interviewed about tonight's opening match:

"Obviously, we're hoping to make a statement to the other Group 14 teams right out of the gates, " Encover said, "though we're aware of what we're up against. Octinstine is a very aggressive team on offense, and they'll push us to play even better defense than we're used to. I'm no maniac - I know Octinstine is very highly ranked compared to the Chickens - but I believe that our squad can pull out a victory tonight if we just stay focused on defense and capitalize on any holes in their game the way The Imperial Canadian Dutchy did."

Asked if anything about Octinstine really worried him, Encover added: "We're all a little worried about their Striker James Dawson. That guy generates a lot of the offensive pressure that Octinstine relies on to win. We'll be trying to shut him down by having Brian Craven man-mark him, with Adam Hyder watching closely to cover any holes that strategy might create. Hopefully, we'll do a good job of containing Dawson, and that will make it a lot easier for us to find success in this match."

Other World Cup News: While no official rankings are up yet, Octinstine is probably #1 in Group 14 right now after their strong showing against the Imperial Canadian Dutchy. Ko-oren, with their win over Burchadinger, is a comfortable 2nd. Of course, none of these rankings means anything this early, but it might give clues as to which teams are going to be strong this cycle and which teams might struggle.

Coach Encover gave a realistic assessment of the team's World Cup prospects: "It's not looking good for the CPFC. We're gonna do our best, but everybody knows we're the low man on the totem pole in Group 14. The only team we're ranked higher than is the Canadian Dutchy - and that's probably only because they're not ranked at all. I think we'll find some victories - hopefully two against the Dutchy and maybe a surprise over Burchadinger or Ko-oren. But all in all we're in a building year, and this team knows that. While our ultimate goal is to win the World Cup, our more realistic goal for this cycle is to turn some heads and maybe earn a Cup of Harmony berth. I'd also like to pull off an epic upset or two - just to have something to show off to the folks back home. But I'm not counting anything out - and if this team gets hot don't be surprised to see us getting out of the Qualifying rounds and into the World Cup proper.

Asked who he thinks Group 14 will most likely send to the World Cup, Encover added: "Despite their early struggles against Saugeais, Mytannion will probably win this group. Their pedigree is just too damn impressive to expect anything less. Saugeais has shown that they're hungry this cycle, and will probably get a World Cup berth as well. I think Octinstine or maybe Ko-oren will be the next team out."

[New Montreal States]

NATION WINCES WAY THROUGH 1-0 WIN AT UNITOPOLIS

"3 points are all that matters," said André Vaillancourt-Bosquet for the eighteenth time in his national career

UNITOPOLIS - André Vaillancourt-Bosquet, given a surprise start at attacking midfielder in lieu of a badly winded Guillaume Ouillemet, who had logged over 200 minutes on the pitch in the week before the match, was not apologizing for the Paladins 1-0 win over Unitopolis.

"I don't know how many times I've had to remind you guys over the last decade that three points are three points," he said in response to a questions about where, exactly, the midfield passing game had gone. "Why don't you say something nice about the defense for once, instead? Or maybe stop taking Édgar Thibault's presence between the bars for granted?"

Vaillancourt-Bosquet is right, of course. Cory Taylor and William St. John de la Ware are both remarkable athletes in the primes of their careers, and Unitopolis found the going rough when they got the ball up into the Paladins' third. And we really do sort of take Édgar Thibault for granted sometimes, although Vaillancourt-Bosquet seems to be a bit uncertain on the difference between "taking someone for granted" and "being able to rely on them to do their jobs every time they step out on the pitch."

After a fantastic 3-0 win over Kagdazka and Pazhujebu at the Paladin Dome in the CoH knockout rounds and a string of impressive performances in the BCC, it looked like Jean-Modeste Taschereau had managed to iron out the deficiencies in the Paladins midfield passing game that had made 1-0 the official scoreline of both the WC57 and WC58 Paladins sides. Vaillancourt-Bosquet's speech about how the three points still count could have been taken verbatim from press conferences from four or eight years ago. The same thing could be said for the passing game, which fizzled out shortly after Pwim Charbonneau found Rhéal Ackersley 15 yards out with enough space to drill the ball into the top left corner to put the Paladins up.

After that, the match degenerated into frustrating back-and-forth across the midfield. Sending Joe Webb out to the flank and bringing Charbonneau back to center midfield failed to spark anything. Replacing Benoit Gallagher with Christian Ponder to get a third potential creator on the pitch failed as well. With 10 minutes remaining, Joe Webb was given a break and Neil Poussin was sent out to help park the bus and bring home three points for the States.

Fans, acutely aware that choking away winnable matches because of bad passing cost the Paladins a shot at a playoff in both WC57 and 58, were not happy about the experience.

"If I had an oz. for every time I've heard someone say that three points are three points, this bar tab would be much more affordable," said Hank McPherson, as he stood outside a pub on rue Fleury while waiting for his traveling companions to stop tossing their cookies. One of them, Vincent Flowers, briefly shared his thoughts with us:

"Here we go again."

Whether Mr. Flowers was referring to the passing game, or merely to the fact that he was about to resume vomiting, is unclear. However, both of these problems need to be cleaned up, and quickly.

GOALBOARD

Ackersley 1

----------------------------

INSIDE: Both our music critic and the Metropolitan of Sherbrooke agree that 'The Superfunkalicious Prayer of the Proskomide' cements MC Monky L-man as a fool for Christ. Life Section, pg. B3

[19th Century Beards]

Mindougas Gimbiris was sitting in a cafe next to the park where 19th Century Beards would play their next game of World Cup qualifying. He thought back to five days ago where he had secured a victory for the team by saving a last minute penalty. He had 'volunteered' to be the keeper after Patedson had turned up drunk. He had made a few good saves before the referee sent him off for being drunk. With the reserve not turning up, the team opted to play without a 'keeper.

Things had been going well for him that game, two goals in the first half and a third just after half time. Bacopa had took advantage of the empty net and scored three goals in the second half, in between some utterly horrible misses. Then McDonald conceded a penalty and all hope of three points was lost. The team decided to draw straws, and he got the shortest. He put some gloves on and headed towards the goal.

Mindougas thought back to that moment. He remembered every detail. The dirty spot on the ball, the small bug crawling up the post, the chants of the 100 or so fans. The Charles English ran up to the ball. He instinctively dived to his left. The rush of adrenaline, the hard football hitting his right palm, the grass against his elbow, the cheers of the fans. He had saved the day, but he didn't feel anything. Mindougas' teammates screamed down his ear in joy. The whistle blew. They had won the game.

His mind rushed back to the present. He gulped the last of his coffee, and left the cafe, leaving his money on the table. He checked the poster on the wall around the park. Baleyaroh home, 15:00. Probably a loss. Mindougas headed home.

[Astograth]

Every Astograthian remembers where they were and what they were doing when they heard the news that Aitor III of Rumiatzi, Grand Duke of Astograth, had passed away in a tragic accident, now nearly 31 years ago.

Most of today's Olibondeka squad hadn't been born yet, or were at most toddlers. Still, Dei Ormache remembers the spontaneous celebrations, the sudden brawls, his parents' anxiety.... Edorta Urrustoy, these days manager of Urbizania Wanderers, heard the news while at the park with friends, immediately rushing home as fighter jets roared high above, heading north. Sharp cries of "the Grand Duke is dead - long live the Grand Duke". Estebe Bularte, former national team captain, was walking by the Iturributan waterfront with his family when the announcement came over a shop radio; anger and confusion.

Black and white striped flags, banned for so long, appeared on balconies and rooftops, as did blue and white on the hills of Ituraitz, bright red on the piers of the vast Anzar lake, and orange over the eastern plains of Akialden. Domeka Iriarte, manager of Ituraitz FC, looked on that night as his father lit fireworks and spewed out idioms, such as the unforgettable botatakoan sugeak inoiz etortzen ziztadak itzuli.

Gartzen Treko, Astograth's first national team coach, and Erruki Abaroa, Royal Rumiatzi's most successful manager, were quick to pay their respects during the funeral parade in the capital. Aiza Sein and Egoi Azarola, both ancient legends at Iturributa United and Sporting Iturributa, could be found near Old City Stadium waving the flags of the old Duchy and of their respective clubs, virtually nonexistent since Aitor III swept away with sport.

There were feasts and there was mourning, cries of there was confetti and there was gunfire, there was hope and uncertainty in equal measure. The young prince, crowned as Aitor IV, was certainly the one most shocked by it all. In mere moments he had been thrust into the spotlight, unprepared for all it entailed. Blessed with absolute power, cursed with the hangers-on his father had acquired, chained to the throne until the end of his days.

He inherited a country that had been fractured and scarred. Slowly, he mended old wounds and set things right. He built roads, bridges, museums and stadiums; he brought the Astograthian people together as one. The Astograthian Football League saw the light, as did Olibondeka.

These were the last thoughts of Aitor IV of Rumiatzi as he slipped from this world. In his bed, staring into the darkness, unable to move, unable to speak. Aged 63.

The Grand Duke is dead - long live the Grand Duke.