Defesian Happenings

[North Defese]

This is going to be a daily updated news thread for Defese. Or rather, the actual spirit of Defese before it was turned into the angsty super srs nation that absolutely everyone everywhere knows and loves. We'll have with this blast from the past as a starter, then more articles will be created daily. And when a Defesian says daily he really means like, once every few days, or even multiple times a day.

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 1 - Thursday December 8th 2011

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In a recent poll done by this studio, it was discovered that over 79% of Defesians ’despise’ or ’strongly dislike’ foreigners! This stunning news comes as a shock to everyone everywhere, as the very image of the Empire as the beacon of Democracy and Hope to the unwashed refugees fleeing the oppressive governments of the inferior parts of the world is now in danger. They come to us hoping to live in our glorious Metropolis and start a new life of productivity and safety, Clinging to their pitifully few belongings and children who know nothing but the torment of third world oppression.

In unrelated news, immigration has been completely banned by the government.

But our top story tonight is the stunning news of the Emperors new announcement, which came as a shock to everyone everywhere. In an unprecedented move that has political commentators and pundits scratching their heads in confusion. In his address, the Emperor has declared that “I‘ve had it. Screw you all. I‘m going to make you all burn.”

We have with us in the studio an expert on Psychology, a Doctor Sigrov Fred. Sergeiveich Fred, what do you think this latest revelation means for the Emperors political image?

“That‘s a very good question. It is my belief that he is merely stressed from his unending efforts to improve the lives of all Defesians and followers of the Path across the world. I‘m sure that he‘ll be fine.”

So you don‘t believe this could be a threat to anyone? Or that his mental state could be called into question?

“Obviously not. The Emperor loves us all very much and he would never do anything to harm us. Eventually he will calm down - probably after a glass of warm milk - and --- Are you even listening to me?”

I‘m sorry Doctor, I‘m getting some… What? Well, ladies and gentlemen we have shocking news that will stun everyone everywhere! It has been revealed to this studio that the Emperor has locked himself away in an underground bunker, and has unleashed the entire nuclear might of the Dominion! In his last address he declared he was targeting every District in the Empire, along with quote: “EVERY LAST TEAT SUCKING CYRUPEAN BASTARD I HATE THEM SO MUCH THEY‘RE WORSE THAN MOTHER”.

We now only have a few minutes of life left on this planet, and in that time the studio director has asked fashion master Lugrov Tulipgrov into the studio! As the seconds of life ticks away and the unavoidable apocalypse looms ever closer, we’ll be here to reveal her thoughts about what the post-apocalyptic world will mean to your wardrobe! Thank you for coming, Tulipgrov. What can you share with our audience here?

“What is the point!? My life is meaningless! I‘ve spent my entire existence obsessing over the pointless! What does it matter the colour combinations of fabric and lace when it will all be burned away in a wave of fire and sin!?”

That’s very nice Tulipgrov, but I doubt our viewers care about your poetry! Haha!

“WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS I WANT TO BE WITH MY FAMILY I WANT TO SEE MY CHILDREN”

“Oh you know that rush hour is going to be terrible now with the panicked mobs swarming through the streets! Now, since the nuclear fireball that will consume all civilization will totally wipe out the textile industry along with all fabric everywhere, some people have considered nudity to be the only fashion choice after the apocalypse! Your thoughts?”

“My life is meaningless OH GOD MY EYES IT’S HAPPENING NO I‘VE NEVER EVEN BEEN TO PARIS WHY ---”

...

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[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 2 - Thursday September 27th 2012

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Numaukr Grugov Grugovski, whom is also the head of the Research and Development department for the Shikovundr, has recently announced a latest breakthrough in military theory. In a recent press conference, after the national anthem was played for the customary 6 hours, he unveiled the latest design: A catapult that fires fully manned tanks.

Calling it an “integration of air support, artillery, and heavy armour”, Grugov went on to explain the fundamentals of the new design.

“A tank is placed on the bucket and then fired at enemy positions at high velocities. While in flight, the tank takes on the role of air support and is expected to answer fire mission requests. After that, the tank becomes a projectile itself and hopefully falls on something foreign.”

The design, called the ‘Fucking Rad Tank Catapult Mk IV’ or ‘FRTC IV’, has already seen service in the battlefield. During a daily uprising in the southern portion of Defese, main battle tanks were repeatedly hurled at enemy positions. According to military sources, the insurgents then ‘immediately surrendered and gave ten praises to the Emperor before being executed for treason.’

The researchers in charge of the design were very excited about finally revealing the plans to the public. Research Assistant Andrei Russianinski was quoted as saying “Oh man this is really freaking rad just look at this thing it’s like boom pow smash!” then proceeded to imitate explosions and make motions akin to furious masturbation.

The Supreme Chancellor is also a supporter of the Fucking Rad Tank Catapult program, claiming that “Jesus anyone who sees us launch tanks at them will just God damn surrender right there.”

Following the press conference there was a live demonstration where several tanks were launched several kilometers into targets like bunkers, pillboxes, orphanages, and poor people.

The FRTC IV will be officially be combat ready next week.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 3 - Thursday September 27th 2012

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Today the Supreme Chancellor announced the latest plans for the “Loads for Free Loaders Foundation”, an organization that supports developing nations throughout the region and the world. Founded in the 70’s after former Supreme Chancellor Tsimot declared he was “… tired of how smelly all these delegates who come to see me are. How about we just . . . make sure they’ve got at least running water so they stop being so filthy and ruining the carpet in my office.”

It previously held a charity event for developing nations, where delegates and heads of state from poor, third world countries were invited to attend. There was a minor problem with security as homeless people attempting to crash the event could not be distinguished from the various delegates attending. The Chancellor gave a speech in which he thanked the delegates for attending, and reminded them to not touch anything before donning a gas mask.

The building was then immediately flooded with toxic gas, killing everyone who attended except for the Defesians who were aware of the plan prior and donned protective gear.

The Chancellor was reported to have greatly enjoyed how “the President For Eternal And Unternal Life from Unstablestan feebly tried to crawl towards me and beg for a gas mask before lying still and accepting death. Man this is my best prank yet! Haha, stupid poor people.”

The Chancellor then publically broadcasted on national television the poorly worded, extremely misspelled letters from the various nations whom had their leaders or delegates gassed. Among them were four declarations of war, seven demands for an immediate apology, and an almost illegible rant written on a piece of toilet paper with “P.S. plz return we dnt haf much toelit papr k thx xoxox” included on the bottom.

There were reports of row-boats, and tin cans with “main battul sheep” crudely drawn on the side being intercepted by the Maritime Shikovundr. It was speculated that these were either the navy of one or several of the nations whom had declared war, or just debris from a hurricane that hit a nearby island populated by autistics and penguins with Down syndrome.

The new initiative for the “Loads for Free Loaders” foundation is to provide developing nations with surplus military hardware. Advocates of the plan claim it can help poor nations “act like they’re doing more than playing pretend war!” The list of surplus equipment to be given to the other nations include: Wooden practice rifles, plastic clubs, foam bayonets, origami battleships, paper planes, and thermonuclear weapons of various yields.

“That last bit is just so I can get some laughs out of this,” The Chancellor is quoted as saying.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 4 - Thursday September 27th 2012

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Today we’re interviewing a Mr. Davinksi Patriotinksi. He’s the famous founder of the “Grenades Solve Everything" foundation. Starting last month, he purchased multiple hand grenades off of the black market and rolled them into several AA meetings and group therapy sessions.

Mr. Patriotinksi, can you tell us what caused you to reach the realization that hand grenades solve psychological problems?

“When I find a sad person, I like throwing happiness at them at high velocities. Happiness in this case being a metaphor for live hand grenades. It's proven by science that when you throw a hand grenade at someone, they stop thinking about their problems and run away screaming while flailing their arms in a panic instead.”

Isn’t it true that in the beginning you had several problems with the authorities, who misinterpreted your intentions?

“Yes. At first they tried to arrest me and burn me alive for being a terrorist, but once I told them I was simply blowing up alcoholics and depressed people they let me go and apologized for inconveniencing my work.”

How many people has your program managed to help?

“In the beginning I didn’t really keep track. I was too busy gleefully tossing grenades at people. Eventually I started to record my efforts, and aside from all the maimings and missing limbs the program has caused people I’d say I’ve brought the therapy of heavy ordinance to at least a couple dozen people.”

Truly a selfless hero.

“Thank you.”

There are some who that say your method is too drastic, and say it would be better to warm up your patients with some mild small arms fire or even a simple flash-bang.

“See, that’s the problem with therapy nowadays. It’s too soft. I prefer to just jump in and expose those I’m helping to the reality of life: You need to live life to the fullest, because you never know when someone will throw a live grenade at you.”

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 5 - Friday September 28th 2012

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In a stunning political move, the Civil Rights Organization for Women accused the Senate and government of being sexist and unfair to women.

“Women make up zero of the seats in the Senate,” spokesperson Katygrov Linda claimed after repeated assurances that their organization wasn’t a front for terrorists, “and while the State is all knowing, all powerful, and always right, are they really in touch with the modern Defesian woman?”

The Chancellors office released a statement admitting that the State had been sexist and vowed to remedy the situation.

Several minutes later, the entire Senate was arrested and executed by firing squad. The new Senate members were elected immediately after in a vote the Chancellors office insisted “really did happen.” In a resounding victory for the civil rights movement, every single Senator was female. But several hours into the first session, it was revealed that all of the new senators were actually men in drag. The multiple senators with heavy facial hair caused suspicions to rise, but confirmation of the ruse was only obvious when several Senators got erections during the national anthem.

In a follow-up statement, the Chancellors office admits that “Okay we’re rather sexist. Here, let’s just please everyone.”

This was followed by the execution of the new Senators and the complete dissolution of the legislative branch of government.

The Civil Rights Organization for Women has not released a statement following these events, as their organization was accused of treason and every member was taken into custody.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 6 - Friday September 28th 2012

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In an effort to expand on the “catapult military hardware at things” theory of military thought, the Shikovundr have unveiled the latest in catapult technology. The “Holy Shit We’re Catapulting Fucking Battleships Mk I.”

Billions of tax credits have been spent constructing the first HSWCFB Mk I, which will begin hurling our navy through the air as soon as next year.

The Director of Research and Development for the navy, José Twinklebottoms, has claimed that it will “revolutionize how we retaliate to the growing irrelevance of battleships in modern combat.”

“Now no longer will our 30,000 ton behemoths be stuck in the water, vunerable to aircraft and carriers. Soon even the skies will be crowded with battleships being hurled around, making them a match for even the latest airplane designs.”

When questioned on the practical uses of the HSWCFB Mk II, José pulled out his firearm and shot the reporter who dared question the glorious wisdom of the State multiple times before answering his question.

“Just imagine it: There are jets flying towards Defese intent on bombing our children and women, then a huge fucking battleship just slams into them and knocks them out of the sky. The brave sailors who will be tied onto the railings and interior of the ship will also be encouraged to open fire on any stragglers they miss during their flight. We’ve seamlessly merged air support, artillery, and naval combat into a single device. It’ll be all like: ‘Wooooooooooosh!’ Then the pilots will be all like ‘ahhhh’ then die horribly. Fucking awesome.”

It’s also been hinted that another catapult was also being constructed for the Air Force, but no one cares about the Air Force so the project was cancelled due to all the other military branches snickering and talking smack about the Air Forces mommas.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 7 - Saturday September 29th 2012

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A recent poll done by the Chancellors office has shown that his approval rating has risen from 208% to 210%. When asked to comment on the rise, the Chancellor was quoted as saying “Executing anyone who disagrees with me really does wonders for my approval rating.”

Reporter Iam Notaterroristgrov took to the streets to see how the average Defesian is responding to this news.

“Our glorious Chancellor is never wrong and is very intelligent and funny and handsome,” Andrei Novak, street sweeper for District 34, told us nervously as two ICDF officers stood behind him brandishing whips.

“I love all the Chancellor is doing to help the little people,” house-mom of 7 Helga Fannybums told us, “the lack of healthcare, schools, and daily beatings by the police really motivate us to work harder!”

“Being stuck in poverty is great!” Nikolai Motherlandgrov, adorable local street urchin commented, “in other countries I’d be a doctor, or a lawyer, and be satisfied with my position in life. Instead I’m forced in a daily struggle to meet my basic needs of survival! Feeling an utter sense of hopelessness and despair overtake me as I stare at my plate and realize I may not put food on the table that day is a uniquely Defesian experience, and I praise our Chancellor for bringing this to so much of our people.”

“I once marked an answer wrong on the questionnaire and got severely beaten for it!” A very upbeat Grov Grovgrov exclaimed, “When asked to name the Chancellors favorite colour instead of filling in one of the options: ‘Blue, blue, blue, blue’, I just scribbled ‘oh God someone help me please’ on the margins.”

The Chancellors office decided to throw a surprise party for the Chancellor to celebrate the event. At 0800, District 14 had all of its inhabitants gassed and the bodies dumped into an unmarked ditch. Paving over what was once a residential area, a large theme park was constructed. The roller coasters, merry go rounds, and every single concession stand was free for the Chancellor.

Anyone else whom attempted to gain entry was arrested.

“This is almost as good as when they tortured homeless people for me the last time,” the Chancellor commented before the merry-go-round started up.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 8 - Thursday October 1st 2012

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A terrible epidemic that causes procrastination and laziness is sweeping the nation. We didn't bother researching it or finding sources. "How terrible," someone probably said about it.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 9 - Monday November 19th 2012

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Today the Ministry of Proper Grammer and Language have announced major changes in several verbs and nouns in the Defesian language. They have removed the phrases "Failure, dissent, revolution, education, mad, and tyranny" with "Foreign, super-loyalty, Statelove, Executemenow, pointlessness, supercontent, and superfuntime."

"We wanted to make our language happier," a representative of the Ministry is quoted as saying, "it's filled with all these nonhappy things, and these changes seek to change that. Now we'll never foreign to pointlessness the people, thus eliminating any confusion or negative thinking!"

Continued usage of the banned words is punishable with immediate execution by firing squad.

"I am supercontent about these changes," an individual interviewed in the street told us, "this blatant superfuntime can only lead to Statelove and super-loyalty by those who can see the truth of what is going on here."

"I like the changes," another individual told us, "now when I have complicated, abstract thoughts that I attempt to put words to, I realize it's a waste of time and just go back to working instead!"

To help advance the efforts, Literature Death Squads are being assembled to go door to door collecting now obsolete dictionaries and other pieces of literature to be burned. After taking into account all of the books inside Defese and the effort it will take to burn them all, the Literature Death Squads are estimated to complete their mission in 10 minutes.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 10 - Monday November 26th 2012

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After polls showed that caucasions within Defese were feeling unusually uncomfortable around members of other races, the government has announced a plan to round up all minorities and concentrate them into large camps currently being constructed in the countryside. We spoke to several caucasions for their opinions.

"I don't know. The way a dark skinned man said 'thank you for the tip' when he delivered my pizza made me feel like he was going to stab me, steal my t.v. and take advantage of my two daughters," a resident of District 25 told us.

Nathan Bedford, who is the head of the Defesian Human Rights organization and the Head Master of the youth organization Kool Kids Klub, supported the measure.

"It's about time," he told us.

Those to be rounded up are members of any non-caucasoid race or Defesian ethnicity, and homosexuals due to "irrefutable evidence that they're just really gross and make everyone uncomfortable."

There were no comments on the impact this will have on the fashion industry.

The camps themselves number in the dozen, and the authorities have allowed reporters inside to tour the grounds before they were operational. They consist of simple wooden barracks where the minorities will be kept, along with bath houses for hygeine and large ovens. When asked about the ovens, tour guides got very nervous and insisted they were for "incinerating all the inferior people and not for baking cookies or anything like that, really."

The camps open in one week, where they will be transformed into zoos after a transitionary period.

"I've never seen a lot of monkeys at once before," a resident of District 39 told us.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 11 - Monday December 31st 2012

A disease has recently thrust itself into the quivering, unwilling body of the Empire. Defesian scientists call the virus Fanfi-C, and it's symptoms include sneezing, coughing, explosive bowel movements, and an inclination to homo eroticism and hypersexuality. Recent studies indicate that over half the nation is already infected, leading to a breakdown in social order.

Holding a press conference, the head of the Disease and Biological Response Department Kirkgrov Comradegrov repeatedly tried to reassure the public.

"We are combating this viral threat, and the government is taking this very seriously," he assured the crowd while gyrating against the podium and rubbing oil on his glistening shirtless body.

Haz-mat teams were mobilized and sent to contain and study the biggest outbreak of Fanfi-C in District 18. CCTV cameras and handheld footage showed infected running through the street, exposing innocent people by grinding their pelvis against the uninfected and blowing virus-riddled kisses. Citizens who witness a kiss being blown their way are encouraged to duck or respond with gunfire, as these are shown to spread the disease.

Carriers for the disease are harder to spot, as their symptoms are less obvious but no less devastating. Carriers are known to socially isolate themselves for a brief time, during which they use whatever means they have available to write homo-erotic variations of well known literature. Exposure to the creations of those under the hold of Fanfi-C is not advised, as it leads to infection or suicidal tendencies.

To reduce infection, citizens are advised by the Emperor himself to "just stop fucking going outside."

Though the sound, reasonable and infallible logic of the Emperor cannot be questioned, many citizens are questioning it as hoarding and small bands of survivors start to pop up across the Metropolis.

"People always thought it would be zombies or foreigners," one man told us, "or maybe zombie foreigners. No one thought of this! Why did we have to have so much body oil and those things you put on your nipples and spin around!? WHAT WERE WE THINKING!?"

"My friend turned out to be a carrier and he didn't tell us," another man told us, "we were looting this abandoned mall when I found him in the bathroom typing on a laptop about sweaty chests and leather thongs. I... I had to put him down. Excuse me..." the man then went off to cry like a little woman.

The disease is expected to destroy civilization within a month.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 12 - Tuesday January 1st 2013

Scandal rocked the State Department today after the first fiscal review of the year. It turns out that of the 90 billion dollars of government waste on corruption, bribery, coercion, extortion, blackmail, and outright theft, due to a clerical error the State Department sent 500 dollars to the impoverished nation of Unga Bunga. Correspondents within the Department informed that the Minister of Foreign Affairs Justinski Kardashian could not be reached for comment on this matter until after his execution.

"This clear sign of blatant carelessness by the State Department clearly outlines the carelessness of this administration and only proves that corruption is a disease that is riddled throughout the entire government," Richardski Bennetski, head of the Anti Corruption League told reporters while stuffing large counterfeit bills down his own pants.

"Oh God, seriously? This is great. Excuse me, I need to change my pants." Donald Trumpski, another candidate campaigning for the appointment to become Minister of Foreign Affairs, told us.

"The foreigners in Unga Bunga are using our hard earned money on frivolous luxuries! They're wasting all of the hard earned money that we sent them that we didn't mean to send them!" A man on the street told our reporter, waving around a paper angrily "look at what they're doing with it! Buying food and medicine!? We barely have those here and you don't see us complaining --- oooh me hip!" The man then doubled over and suffered a stroke in the middle of a heart attack/seizure.

The nation of Unga Bunga is known to be one of the poorest regions in the world. The GDP per capita is reported to have reached in the negatives, and it's main export is pity in exchange for humanitarian aid. A representative from Unga Bunga expressed his "immense gratitude" for the 500 dollars, using it to slightly lift the living standards of the people living there and improve the quality of life "by a fraction."

"Now they're just provoking us!" General Urstski McBombski frothed at reporters, "we need to take care of our own fat, spoiled wastes wanting a hand out before even thinking about giving hand-outs to these fat, spoiled foreigners! We need to show them a what-for!"

The General then made several dramatic gestures and mimicked explosion noises.

The Emperor announced that a blockade of Unga Bunga would be put in place the following week to raise the amount of suffering and desolation to levels prior to the accidental fund transfer.

A representative of Unga Bunga died of starvation before managing to finish filing his objection.

[North Defese]

Defesian State News

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The Voice of The People

Issue 13 - Wednesday January 2nd 2013

A recent study by the international group "Liberal Pansies" recently marked the Empire of Defese as being the worst nation in the entire globe in terms of human rights. Their 100 pages of whining included calling Defese "despicable" and "an abhorrent den of evil and corruption." They cite the mere handfuls of hospitals catering only to the rich while the lower classes die of easily preventable illness, widespread poverty, and the "general meanness" of the government.

This report has lead to a string of condemnations and outcry by the international community, sparking a complete breakdown in diplomatic relations.

Surprised that we even had diplomatic relations with anyone in the first place, the Emperor thanked Liberal Pansies for their "unbiased reporting" before snickering and rolling his eyes.

The State Department has released an official thank you to the Liberal Pansies, sending a fruit basket of assorted produce laced in cyanide along with the thank you letter.

"We've been trying so hard to reach this level," the letter reads, "you really struck home with your honest reporting. This administration has strive hard to put a positive image of Defese out there for the globe, that's why we 'accidentally' send out ships filled with puppies and sink them before spilling oil over the wreck and lighting it on fire. Liberal Pansies has really showed the world just how disgusting and vile we really are without having to even kill anyone! Thanks!"

"My only complaint is that they didn't talk enough about the executions," Billyski Bobski, executioner reported as he strangled a kitten, "it'd be nice if they mentioned how random people are executed without any sort of trial or anything. Outrage and hatred really makes me feel like my job means something."

"All that we do is only for attention anyway," Senator Grovski Skigrov told us as he tore up the drawings of a little girl in front of her and laughed when she ran away crying, "we're not really evil. Our moms just didn't pay enough attention to us as children so now we're acting out for attention. I'm really glad that Liberal Pansies has validated our actions and reinforced our habits."

The Senator then slapped the microphone out of the reporters hand and made a "pfffffft" noise, causing the reporter to threaten him with 'time-out'.

The reporter was then executed for threatening a state official.

In unrelated news, the headquarters of Liberal Pansies was recently bombed by a fanatical extremist organization bent on global domination and a reign of terror the likes of which humanity has never before witnessed who call themselves "The Empire of Defese".