The Mentors and Trainers Hub

[Alexiandra]

I disagree with that. It helps to give an idea of the faces of people who are, by and large for those major events, hostile. If somebody wants to describe the PM or Queen, that's gonna be a good way to check. That's why I spoiler it.

Agree with Santh actually. That type of thing belongs in a factbook, not a communique.

^This

[Jenrak]

Vetok is the only one who has reached majority. All other applications have been denied. If you wish for me to evaluate your writing, please reply to this post with a direct link to your post, and I'll see what happened.

Remember, you guys can always re-apply in the future whenever you want. There are some applications that were really good, but for one reason or another, were not accepted.

[Malaysii]

Vetok is the only one who has reached majority. All other applications have been denied. If you wish for me to evaluate your writing, please reply to this post with a direct link to your post, and I'll see what happened.

Remember, you guys can always re-apply in the future whenever you want. There are some applications that were really good, but for one reason or another, were not accepted.

Okay thanks. I dont believe mine was very good, but could you take a look?

[Abruzi]

Vetok is the only one who has reached majority. All other applications have been denied. If you wish for me to evaluate your writing, please reply to this post with a direct link to your post, and I'll see what happened.

Remember, you guys can always re-apply in the future whenever you want. There are some applications that were really good, but for one reason or another, were not accepted.

Writing in question.

At this point, I'm more concerned with any shortcomings in my writing. If y'all said no, y'all said no.

[Of The Arch ilands]

Could i please get the reasons why i wasnt accepted so i know what to improve on?

[Jenrak]

These are the current requests. This is a mesh of opinions I've received, so it's a mix of mine as well as the Trainers and Mentors who evaluated you. Here:

@Malaysii:

• You have quite a few spelling and grammatical errors. Remember to be careful around singular versus plural, and mind your punctuation. Mistakes happen sometimes, but in your posts there were too many to be considered 'okay' for a Trainer.
• You have far too much expository telling than anything. You divulge the events and talk about them way too much instead of showing us the feelings and thoughts behind them. Instead of showing the conflicting feelings of the characters, you tell us about them. It makes it harder for readers to actually emphathise when you spoon feed them. Don't say that he was nervous or scared or something all the time - show us the drops of sweat and the sweaty palms and the tears and gulping and the paranoia and the shaking and everything in between.
• The dialogue is quite bland. It's not very realistic or refreshing. Try something more emphatic from the person attempting to the coax Commandant Lux out, instead of just having him demand it.
• None of them feel like people - they all feel like talking pieces of furniture in there. Try to have Lux allude back to something, like perhaps being worried about his daughter or his grandson or perhaps have him, if he was going to die, listen to some music that would symbolize his feelings and his approach to his demise. Likewise, for the rebels, perhaps describe one of them and have key facets of his character show through.

@Abruzi:

• Please follow the rules and mind the length.
• Always remember that a semi-colon connects two complete thoughts with an implied theme or idea via a moderate pause.
• I know that the scenario called for a torture scene, but it seems that you've put far too much emphasis on the torture and less on the subtle modes of coercion. Rather than just applying pain, pain and more pain, try to have the torturer try out some dialogue - try to reason with him and perhaps have the torturer not be as bad of a person on the surface. That way, when the torture does happen, you have the ability to portray the antagonist as not just random Torturer A, but rather as someone who either has a sickeningly odd and perverse, completely unnatural feel, or perhaps does not want to do it, but has to. It's very close to torture porn, and there's not enough emphasis on the characters or the plot.
• Be mindful of the biology of the actual body. Do your research when you're having a lot of focus on something as precise and minute in detail as the torture scene you provided.
• I'm seeing a lot of what I call 'character bravado' in the scene. The torturer is acting too much like a torturer and the person is acting too much like someone being proudly defiant. While that may happen in real life sometimes, that doesn't make the story any better - who is the story about? If it's about the victim, then why is he so blunt as to call them all 'fuckers' and say 'kill me'? The whole 'nothing to lose' doesn't really come across because he feels more defiant and angry than melancholy and forlorn. Likewise, the torturers themselves don't come across as real people because there aren't any real mannerisms that define them as actual people: perhaps trying to incorporate small tidbits of human habits such as twirling his keys or humming his favourite tune? Those things can signify the psyche of the person applying the torture, or perhaps have him train an aide new to this on the protagonist? We can then establish a better dichotomy of the nature of the torture and its peoples instead.

@Arch Islands: I'll need a link.

[Of The Arch ilands]

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=119464&p=7203882#p7203882 <--- Theres the link

Now that I look at it I don't much like the application I wrote xD I guess ill try again at a later date some time

[Abruzi]

Thanks Jen.

[Beldonia]

I started an RP that only I will post in, just kind of as a creative outlet. If any trainer has the time to give a few tips or comments, I'd be really appreciative.
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=148463

[Kylarnatia]

I started an RP that only I will post in, just kind of as a creative outlet. If any trainer has the time to give a few tips or comments, I'd be really appreciative.
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=148463

Will telegram you later when I've looked it over.

[Beldonia]

I started an RP that only I will post in, just kind of as a creative outlet. If any trainer has the time to give a few tips or comments, I'd be really appreciative.
viewtopic.php?f=4&t=148463

Will telegram you later when I've looked it over.

Thanks a lot.

[Kagetora]

Will telegram you later when I've looked it over.

Thanks a lot.

I know I'm not Kyl, but comments anyway.

It reads well. Sets up for (I hope) conflict to intrude on their happy lives. Makes me think of Fiddler on the Roof. Normally I'd say introduce conflict early, but I expect you'll do that in the next couple of posts, so good marks on my end.

[Kylarnatia]

Thanks a lot.

I know I'm not Kyl, but comments anyway.

It reads well. Sets up for (I hope) conflict to intrude on their happy lives. Makes me think of Fiddler on the Roof. Normally I'd say introduce conflict early, but I expect you'll do that in the next couple of posts, so good marks on my end.

It's good for multiple feedback, Kag =P

[Demphor]

do you guys require any assistance helping anyone? I'd be glad to help.

[Kylarnatia]

do you guys require any assistance helping anyone? I'd be glad to help.

Not that I know of - I'm a Panel Judge now though, so if you want a new scenario to try out to become a NS Trainer, please Telegram me for one.

[Of The Arch ilands]

I never did get told what I had to improve on, after I applied to be a trainer.

[Kylarnatia]

I never did get told what I had to improve on, after I applied to be a trainer.

Do you mind linking me to your submission, so I can give some feedback, perhaps?

[Of The Arch ilands]

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=119464&start=225#p7203882

There you go

[Demphor]

viewtopic.php?f=5&t=119464&start=150#p6698367

Could you see what could be Improved on this One?

[Yohannes]

@Demphor: Perhaps if you remove your signature (the one in which you announced publicly you're almost an NS trainer), some of the panel judges will actually start to consider your sincerity of wanting to help, not for the title, but for the sake of helping by itself.

As of the present for me, your signature says it all. As a note, you do not have to be either a mentor or trainer. None of that titles are needed for you to help your fellow players.

[Demphor]

@Yohannes

I never meant any offense, but I was originally an NS Trainer. I only edited it after I was rejected. If the Trainers and Mentors wish for it to be gone, they should TGed me about it, communication is a key to success, so why didn't they take their case to me?

But if that is their ruling, I'll get rid of it.

And by the way, it just wasn't for the title. I'm not arrogant and power hungry and just want bright green letters illuminating my nation on the forums.

[Layarteb]

If I may seek out the opinions of mentors, trainers, prospectees, and viewers alike, reference the post below.

September 6, 2011
Madrid, Spain
Ministry of State

The meeting was off to a great start and the Minister of Foreign Affairs couldn't be happier. "Quiero darle la tranquilidad positiva que el Canal de Panamá estará abierto a su comerciante y el tráfico militar y yo he sido asegurado de por manchú Global que tan también hace el Canal de Suez. El Canal tailandés, cuando completado será no diferente, por temor a que el Hola no Motons intervenga con nuestra promesa al mundo de pasaje desinhibido." [I want to give you the positive reassurance that the Panama Canal will be open to your merchant and military traffic and I have been assured by Manchurian Global that so too will the Suez Canal. The Thai Canal, when completed shall be no different, lest the Hi No Motons interfere with our promise to the world of uninhibited passage.]

The Minister of Defense nodded and recognized his cue to speak as this was still concerning trade routes. "Yo también quiero hablar del Estrecho de Gibraltar. Actualmente bajo autoridad portuguesa, el Imperio desea hacerlo conocido que no tiene un deseo para ejercer dominación sobre este pasaje. Nosotros no deseamos monopolizarlo ni entrar aún en la acción militar arrancar control del Estrecho de portugués ni ninguna mano, siempre que ellos se quedan amistoso al concepto de pasaje desinhibido. Tenga la seguridad de que si tal sucede, el Imperio es cometido al trabajo para resolverse diplomáticamente cualquier crisis. La acción militar es el último resultado el Imperio tan deseos y mientras tenemos fuerzas presentan que podría ser concebido como preparó para ejercer dominación, ellos son solamente allí como parte de una estrategia global de defensa, antes que algo táctico." [I also want to speak of the Strait of Gibraltar. Presently under Portuguese authority, the Empire wishes to make it known that it does not have a desire to exert dominance over this passage. We do not wish to monopolize it or even engage in military action to wrest control of the Strait from Portuguese or any hands, so long as they remain friendly to the concept of uninhibited passage. Rest assured that if such happens, the Empire is committed to working diplomatically to resolve any crisis. Military action is the last outcome the Empire so desires and while we have forces present that could be conceived as staged to exert dominance, they are merely there as part of a global defense strategy, rather than anything tactical.]

You will notice that I have Spanish intertwined as dialogue but directly after it, in red, is the English translation. Now this is from an online translator so please do not lecture me on improper grammar or word usage. I want to know about form and appearance. Do you think that this is easy to read? If not, what would you suggest I do. Now be forewarned I will not use spoilers and I want to maintain the use of foreign languages. I personally believe, because of the varying coloring, that it is easy on the eyes but I could be wrong. I am interested to hear one's opinions so long as they are not sloppy or counterproductive.

[Salzland]

The only thing I can think of is that it might look a bit better if it were broken up. I think that the use of Spanish lost some of its effect, since it was limited to two large text blocks that could be entirely skipped over. Here's how I would have done it, using only the English portions due to time and space constraints.

**********

"I want to give you the positive reassurance that the Panama Canal will be open to your merchant and military traffic."

After the translator relayed that statement, Other Party X responded, "And what of the Suez, or the project in Thailand?"

"I have been assured by Manchurian Global that..."

The Minister of Defense then cut in, adding that "I also want to speak of..."

**********

The Minister of Defense's speech would also be broken up as appropriate. In my opinion, the reader gets more effect from the language when it's in more-manageable chunks, rather than something that can just be glossed over to get to the English translation. Other than that, the different-coloring clearly separates the Spanish from the English while the structure of the paragraph makes it clear that the English portion is the translation for the Spanish.

[Layarteb]

The only thing I can think of is that it might look a bit better if it were broken up. I think that the use of Spanish lost some of its effect, since it was limited to two large text blocks that could be entirely skipped over. Here's how I would have done it, using only the English portions due to time and space constraints.

**********

"I want to give you the positive reassurance that the Panama Canal will be open to your merchant and military traffic."

After the translator relayed that statement, Other Party X responded, "And what of the Suez, or the project in Thailand?"

"I have been assured by Manchurian Global that..."

The Minister of Defense then cut in, adding that "I also want to speak of..."

**********

The Minister of Defense's speech would also be broken up as appropriate. In my opinion, the reader gets more effect from the language when it's in more-manageable chunks, rather than something that can just be glossed over to get to the English translation. Other than that, the different-coloring clearly separates the Spanish from the English while the structure of the paragraph makes it clear that the English portion is the translation for the Spanish.

Breaking it up doesn't necessarily have much effect since it's a two-way RP and I doubt either would have been mentioned after the Panama. But there are no translators. The MOFA & MOD are the ones speaking the language.

[Salzland]

The only thing I can think of is that it might look a bit better if it were broken up. I think that the use of Spanish lost some of its effect, since it was limited to two large text blocks that could be entirely skipped over. Here's how I would have done it, using only the English portions due to time and space constraints.

**********

"I want to give you the positive reassurance that the Panama Canal will be open to your merchant and military traffic."

After the translator relayed that statement, Other Party X responded, "And what of the Suez, or the project in Thailand?"

"I have been assured by Manchurian Global that..."

The Minister of Defense then cut in, adding that "I also want to speak of..."

**********

The Minister of Defense's speech would also be broken up as appropriate. In my opinion, the reader gets more effect from the language when it's in more-manageable chunks, rather than something that can just be glossed over to get to the English translation. Other than that, the different-coloring clearly separates the Spanish from the English while the structure of the paragraph makes it clear that the English portion is the translation for the Spanish.

Breaking it up doesn't necessarily have much effect since it's a two-way RP and I doubt either would have been mentioned after the Panama. But there are no translators. The MOFA & MOD are the ones speaking the language.

I was just using the content of the two paragraphs to help make the example. I also added the translator because I got the impression that the two Ministers were speaking to another party. I had no idea whether said party spoke Spanish, so to cover my bases I used a translator. Any other character could be freely substituted in for the same purpose.

As for effect, as it's currently written in my opinion the use of Spanish added nothing to the post. When I looked at it, I saw two large blocks of Espanol that I promptly skipped over entirely, going directly to the English translations. Since I didn't read the Spanish, it had no effect on me as the reader and could just as easily have been dropped altogether.

Breaking the passages up also makes it more engaging for the reader. The post becomes more conversational and less expositional, and it makes it far easier to emphasize important points. Less, "Person X stood up and blah blah blah, then Person Y stood up and blah blah blah," and more "The Minister stood up and began to establish his Ministry's position, with the rest of the participants involved in the process, then the second Minister stood and did the same." It also makes it easier to work in the Spanish (or French, Russian, Swahili or whatever), and have the reader actually look at it, since it seems more natural and less cut-and-paste.

Of course, there will be times where you do want a block of text (for example, the stereotypical Glorious Leader's Inspirational Speech^TM), but that's a different situation. Please note, again, that this is my opinion. I know that I've struggled with my own tendancy toward writing eye-glazing posts, and these strategies have helped me at least try and keep things interesting.