Please don't attack us

[King Zhaoxiang of Qin]

Hi...

Ummm..My name is Jordan. I'm the temp who's filling in for the State Department chief while he's away on vacation.

So...we had this little...kinda assassination...type thing going. And it wasn't going to be a good nation or anything you heard about. It was just a little tiny nation that we wanted to help ensure democracy in, so...we had a buildup of our special forces and whatnot and we were going to take out the political head of the opposition group there, who was going to install a totalitarian government, see. But it was all in collusion with the nation itself, so it was all fine regarding sovereignty and whatnot. They just wanted us to take out a rebel, is all.

Anywho, the message to our forces kinda got messed up because I didn't know how to work the machine. So instead of saying "Please kill the leader of the Word Party" it actually said "Please kill the leader of the World's Parties"

And we can't retract the message.

So if your head of state is assassinated about an hour from now, we sure hope you don't attack us, because if you take a look at our nation, we don't have much in terms of a military. Mostly just spy aircraft. Few hundred predator drones and a few hundred special forces contractors are really the bulk of our forces.

I guess I shouldn't have told you that.

So I don't know what the State Department chief is going to feel about all this. It's my fault, really. Anywho, could you not attack us until he gets back? I need this job.

Oh, and I don't have any communication with the commander of this exercise, but I'm pretty sure he told me the assassins will be wearing brown hats, so maybe you could...I dunno...arrest anyone wearing a brown hat? Maybe it was red hats. I don't really remember.

Oh, and if it isn't too much trouble, is there any way you could return our guys alive? It's pretty expensive to train special forces.

Sorry, everyone.

Jordan
Temp
The Allied States of King Zhaoxiang of Qin State Department for International Affairs

[Ostronopolis]

[Berou]

OOC: You are a very funny person

[Estainia]

OoC: What that guy/gal said. Can I respond to this? xD;

[Brewdomia]

OOC: LOL!

[Clamparapa]

ATTN: King Zhaoxiang of Qin
SUB: Brown/red hats

We are rounding up everyone with brown and red hats in order to interrogate them about these assassination plots. We thank you for the warning and will get right on this.

Highest Regards,

Clamparapan Supreme Council



Red hatted people being led away for questioning

[Brewdomia]

Dear Honorable Nation Whose Name I Cannot Pronounce,

The Federation Of Brewdomia has arrested everyone with red hats...oh, and brown hats too! Thanks for the warning!

President James Floyd

[Almajoya]

Sybil, the Empress' assistant, read the message a few times right-side-up, then upside down, then held it to a mirror. It said the same thing every time. "Uh-oh...."

Down the hall, Her Ladyship the Empress Melisma Ramijozana was playing Immortal Melee on her JoshPlace X with a kid from down the street. "Ha, gotcha again!" she squealed, throwing the controller down.

"Whatever," the kid said, shrugging. "It's not like I'll ever need to know hand-to-hand combat in real life."

Suddenly, a man wearing a brown hat (or was it red?) smashed through the window, wielding a butcher knife. The Empress sprang into action. She kicked the butcher knife out of the assassin's hand, and it went flying into a portrait of Emile Ramijozana, landing smack between Emile's teeth.

Then she came at the assassin with a stilettoed roundhouse kick across his face, and followed through with a high kick to his chin. As his head swung upward, she aimed a low kick at his family jewels, completely disabling him. As he doubled over, she came down on his back with her elbow. He hit the floor hard. Finally, Melisma somersaulted into the air and retrieved the knife from between her daddy's teeth. As the assassin tried to stand, she leveled the knife at his jugular. "Get back down, bitch."

"Yeah!" the kid cheered. "Flawless victory!"

Sybil came panting up the hall. "My Lady! An assassin was sent to you from King Zhaoxiang of Qin by mistake!"

"Really?" Melisma answered, the knife still aimed at the assassin. "I hadn't noticed."

"Oh," Sybil said. "Anyway, they request that you please not attack them."

"I should think not," Melisma said. "I am alive and well, and apparently in the best shape of my life. We shall send them back their assassin, with a little gift of our own."

---
A cargo plane landed at a remote airstrip in The Allied States of King Zhaoxiang of Qin. The pilots got out and started to unload the precious cargo.

A few attendants rushed up to the plane. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Well, your nation's temp leader said you were lacking in predators," the pilot said. "So, as a reward for manning up and reporting his mistake, my Empress has returned your assassin alive, which is impressive because I heard she's PMSing right now. Also, she's sent you a few hundred Almajoyese velociraptors."

The attendants' mouths hung open.

The pilots climbed back into the plane. The copilot put his finger on the LIFT button. "Ready?" he yelled to the attendants. "I'll count down from three before I let 'em rip. Heh. 3, 2-"



Bonus:

Jesus loves the velociraptors, all the velociraptors of the world

[Estainia]

Getting into the People's Administrative Fortress was a task not exactly found easy by anybody, special forces or not. Political Assassins had visted this building before, heavily guarded and fortified it was a recreation of the Moscow Kremlin; this not-so-ancient fortress was home to the office of James S. Patterson, the Premier of Estainia.

The entire building crawled with ESB and State Guardsmen, assault rifles and very James-Bond like persons were common sight. The Premier's office was flanked by two State Guardsmen on each side of the door inside and out, heavily armed and willing to die to defend the aging man behind the oaken desk in the center of the room. This was about the time that a commotion was heard in the hallway and a man burst into the room holding a pistol. Patterson who wasn't paying attention until then looked up from a report he was reading as the two State-Guardsmen on either side of the door football tackled the poor fellow to the ground. Around this time Edward C. Patterson rushed into the room.

" James, some far-flung nations temporary minister or suc---" He noticed the situation splayed out around him, the two Guardsmen holding the poor would-be assassin down. " Oh... " Was his simple response before he continued. " Anyway they wish that they're man not be harmed as it was an acci--PUT THAT AWAY." He noted as one of the Guardsmen went for his gun. "as it was an accident from a stupid replacement. "

The Premier was in this time period looking on with a small chuckle before he signaled the man to be let up. " They happen, no? Get him a first class ticket home, and make sure he gets on the plane. " That being said the orders were carried out, one of the Guardsmen ascourted the would-be assassin to the Airport, supplied him with a first class ticket paid, and that was that. A most interesting day at the office. No?
[Borders a bit on meta-gaming but I couldn't resist. ]

[Fatatatutti]

To: King Zhaoxiang of Qin
From: Fatatatutti Intelligence, Department 6 (FI6)

We have intercepted one of your citizens trying to bring a weapon into our country. He has been dealt with in the usual way - stripped naked and thrown into the cargo hold of a plane headed for... somewhere.

-- S. Powers

[King Zhaoxiang of Qin]

To: The Nations of the World
From: King Zhaoxiang of Qin's Chief Foreign Minister

Ladies and Gentleman,

We neither confirm nor deny involvement in anything occurring in any nation regarding people who claim to be our forces. Particularly any supposed "agents" who happen to be wearing brown or red hats. We have no official state connection to them.

Thank you for your time, ladies and gentleman, but unfortunately I must cut this memo short. I have a busy day planned.

For some reason one of our government agents is currently 2500 miles away, another is drunk from apparently imbibing too much champagne on a first class flight, which is a situation I still need to investigate. I just got a box full of body parts from the Imperial Guardians of Lynion, who say I sent an assassin there. My temporary assistant still doesn't know how to work the communications equipment or the coffee machine, and for some reason we're having a troubling uprising of velociraptors.

But all will be well in King Zhaoxiang of Qin as well as with its most esteemed and noble neighbors. My assistant, Jordan, has informed me that everything went swimmingly while I was away on state business.

[Lynion]

When the letter came into the Vamperial Order Council Chambers, High King Ranakin looked at it twice. Woff lokked at him and watched as the grin turned into a laugh. He shugged his shoulders for a moment before Lee came over to him. The letter had made him laugh before he handed it to Woff. Ranakin kept laughing before he stopped. Lee realised what was going to happen.

"Shit," muttered Ranakin. "Get the Palace..." he started as Rathma entered the Chambers.

"Palace just wired us," started Rathma. "Somebody just tried to assassinate Taishi Ci and Esther. Thankfully, the assassin was stopped and had his neck broken,"

"Shit," he whispered before Rathma gave him a strange look. "They wanted their Spec Ops to be returned to them. Oh well, cut off his limbs and send them in a box just for them," he smiled as Rathma simply gave a bloodthirsty grin.

Three days later, a package arrived for the leader of King Zhaoxiang of Qin. Inside the box, they found their Spec Ops with their limbs broken off from the body. No mercy was shown to the assassin as blood gently flood the bottom of the metal box. Rathma had personally saw to it that the head remain intact for indenitfication issues. There was a small note. It read:

Just doing our job and your assassin made enough noise to wake the dead.

The Imperial Guardians of Lynion

[Epicnopolis]

To: King Zhaoxiang of Qin
From: The United Kingdom of Epicnopolis

Well...We...Uh...Found one of your assasins in our country...We punished him...

We made him do a porn scene with an ugly chick.

[Pevisopolis]

Sample page from the National Forums of Pevisopolis

Hi...

Ummm..My name is Jordan. I'm the temp who's filling in for the State Department chief while he's away on vacation.

So...we had this little...kinda assassination...type thing going. And it wasn't going to be a good nation or anything you heard about. It was just a little tiny nation that we wanted to help ensure democracy in, so...we had a buildup of our special forces and whatnot and we were going to take out the political head of the opposition group there, who was going to install a totalitarian government, see. But it was all in collusion with the nation itself, so it was all fine regarding sovereignty and whatnot. They just wanted us to take out a rebel, is all.

Anywho, the message to our forces kinda got messed up because I didn't know how to work the machine. So instead of saying "Please kill the leader of the Word Party" it actually said "Please kill the leader of the World's Parties"

And we can't retract the message.

So if your head of state is assassinated about an hour from now, we sure hope you don't attack us, because if you take a look at our nation, we don't have much in terms of a military. Mostly just spy aircraft. Few hundred predator drones and a few hundred special forces contractors are really the bulk of our forces.

I guess I shouldn't have told you that.

So I don't know what the State Department chief is going to feel about all this. It's my fault, really. Anywho, could you not attack us until he gets back? I need this job.

Oh, and I don't have any communication with the commander of this exercise, but I'm pretty sure he told me the assassins will be wearing brown hats, so maybe you could...I dunno...arrest anyone wearing a brown hat? Maybe it was red hats. I don't really remember.

Oh, and if it isn't too much trouble, is there any way you could return our guys alive? It's pretty expensive to train special forces.

Sorry, everyone.

Jordan
Temp
The Allied States of King Zhaoxiang of Qin State Department for International Affairs

Linky Linky

In my own opinion, what kind of fuckery is this? Generalites of Pevisopolis, your input?

lolwut red hats hahaha lolwut shes a fag hahaha

What threat could it be? We have no central leadership. I’d laugh my ass off if one of their assassins went after the forums’ servers, though.

lolwut red hats hahaha lolwut shes a fag hahaha

Flamebait towards foreigners, much?

Hmmm… What party? I WANT PIE! Lol, seriously, who could she possibly kill here? There are too many representatives in the democratic assembly to systematically kill off. Either that, or they’ll go out in genocide. I doubt either will happen.

What threat could it be? We have no central leadership. I’d laugh my ass off if one of their assassins went after the forums’ servers, though.

Why not? Assassins are sneaky little ninjas.
XD

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Seconds after the final post, the forums crashed nationwide. Eventually, one of the Qin assassins was found in one of the server rooms used for the national forums, hacking away rather mercilessly at a computer server with a short sword, before being torn off while in a bloodlust against the politically vital machine by an officer of the Communal Militia.

[Der Teutoniker]

OoC: This was a great post.

[Czardas]

Tensions always seemed to run high in the House of Commons. The rift between the Actionists and the Liberal Progressives, the two main Czardaian political parties, seemed to grow deeper each day, and even the presence of the Governor at their debates failed to stem tides of bitterness that occasionally resulted in political opponents drawing swords and promising to duel at dawn.

It happened that this day would see the worst outbreak of political violence in recent memory. Silancheans, who made up the bulk of the Parliament, had never been a particularly violent sort, disinclined to military service or pub brawls or anything like that. They tended to be quiet and law-abiding and awfully shocked by the few who weren't quiet and law-abiding. Nonetheless, with the Parliament taking lunch around the table as they stubbornly refused to move to prevent their opponents from passing a measure in their absence, MP Georgiu Mendoza brought up yet again the loaded question of the Right to Self-Defense, one of the proposed Bill of Rights to be emplaced in the new Czardaian Constitution. Mendoza, an Actionist, was staunchly in favour of a national right to self-defense that would permit all citizens to own whatever weapons they felt necessary for their personal defense, while his chief opponent, the Liberal Progressive MP Lamar Cheston, believed such a law would be too open to abuse and supported instead establishing the right to self-defense through judicial precedent. As their debate became more passionate and involved, with Mendoza gesturing with an ear of corn and the rest of Parliament listening in breathlessly, Mendoza lost control of his ear of corn and it flew across the table to strike Cheston in the face.

There was a mass intake of breath. Parliament fell silent. The Governor looked up in surprise. Cheston, however, was angry, and would not remain within etiquette. Lifting a meatloaf from his plate, he hurled it at Mendoza; it splattered and broke on his face, showering the surrounding MPs with meat. Mendoza returned fire with tomato slices thrown like discuses, one of which missed and exploded on the expensive suit of MP Delian Rogers; within seconds the House of Commons had regressed to primitive violence as sticks of celery, pasta salad, mayonnnaise, and worcestershire sauce flew willy-nilly, liberally coating the MPs in the carnage of a once-beautiful meal.

It was in the midst of this horrific violence, as Governor Arachinovsky prepared a delicious blueberry pie to teach MP Rogers (currently attempting to stab MP Mendoza to death with a carrot) a lesson about wearing expensive suits in the House of Commons, when the door flew open and an armed gunman burst in, firing wildly. Arachinovsky's reaction was immediate and devastating; he flung the pie into the man's face, striking him and causing him to stumble backwards and lose his grip on his gun. The noise had disturbed other MPs, who added their own flurries of missiles, hitting the would-be assassin with tomatoes, cheese, and an overripe mango. The damage was done, however, and the gunman was pronounced dead at Kadun's Ezekiel Shaestri Memorial Hospital, ruled "death by misadventure".

At a speech he gave when the House of Commons reconvened later that day, Governor Arachinovsky said, "Through our regression to violence, we have caused a would-be assassin's death today. Such degenerate acts of course do not behoove Members of Parliament such as yourselves; but in honor of our actions today, henceforth shall the annual Parliamentary Food Fight be held on August the tenth, and I hope we shall be able to keep our emotions under control the rest of the year."

[Clamparapa]

OOC: MY DOG, Czardas!

[Tanara]

Dear Jordan,

Don't worry we have a pair of your mis- sent assassins in custody. They have not been harmed, and actually turned themselves in - for once they found the Party, they couldn't bring themselves to harm me. But I am sincerely complimented, to think me, the leader of the World's Parties.

However I have to mention they have asked to emigrate, as they don't want to leave the party. I am inclined to let them stay, they have such nice manners.

Sincerely,

D.E.A.R.

[Shirkamisamyogai]

While the bazaar of the Free People was closing, and merchants taking down their wares from bolted stalls, there threaded an one in half a red and half a brown hat between counters with colorful bolts of fabric. The quiet footfalls of the one went unheeded as krypts were counted and locked away against the coming of night. But their eyes were watching, to confirm the one wasn't out to steal.

And as the one made his way to the center of the square, looked at a sign post and headed in a direction, a shadow slipped out to follow him. Shadow knew One wasn't of the People, but an Outsider, Faergn. The way was the Road to the High.

One's eyes darted this way and that, sensing something behind him, but unable to see, even turning back again and again. Knowing that this may very well be a suicide mission the a very unknown people, he continued on, a set to his jaw, teeth clenching. And Shadow followed until the one became less wary. Slipping a rag wet with Toxad, Shadow made One sleep.

Then through an underground tunneling system, Shadow emerged into a known land of people who never see him. Slipping One into a crate, Shadow attached orders to "Return to Sender". And thus, never was known of a would-be assassin. The People will sleep safely as may the Grand.