Vixen News, March 2nd, 2010
Our scene opens with a female turtle standing outside of Mister Happy's Funland, the capitol/amusement park of TurtleShroom, in the capital city of Jonesboro. On the roller coasters going in and out of the building, you can easily see that the riders are holding protest signs, and that banners are waving on the tracks. The turtle is a well-respected news reproter.
"Hello everyone. I am Nu Kueler, reporting for Vixen News. Where our motto is, 'Report it All Correctly, then Spin it with Your Conservative Opinion' (RACSYCO)! We are here live outside of the capitol and amusement park complex, where a shocking, Chancellor-supported statute has just come out of the Senators' chamber. They were forced to lock the doors from the spectators' balcony and shut down the antique car ride that drives by, due to the protesters all yelling at them for their frightening decision. What exactly was this decision? Well, I can say that most of the legislature supported it, so it must be right-wing. Honestly, I don't know, but I am with someone who does. I will now turn the microphone over to Freddy Rubin, the mastermind behind this project."
Nu hands the microphone to a seven foot-something, acne-covered human wearing a labcoat and an ID badge. His black-colored hair is in a popular hairstyle that folks these days call "scene hair". It covers part of his thick glasses.
"Thanks, Nu. What the Chancellors have allowed us to do is produce thermonuclear warheads and extreme weapons out of the vast uranium supplies that have been barely touched by the mining industry thanks to the middle-ground stance they took a year ago. No longer will they be traded for currency or wasted entirely on electricity! It's time for the FUTURE!"
"Freddy," Nu replied, rather shocked, "the Chancellors allowed you to produce NUKES?! What were they thinking?"
"In Noob terms, yes. I managed to get to Chancellor Marvin, who seemed to be glaring at a computer while I was talking to him."
"What was he doing?"
"I really don't know, but it was loading very slowly, and it seemed to be a video lecture covering the evolution of primates. He barely paid attention to what I had to say because he was too busy trying to snap at the computer."
"Apparently, he doesn't like that stuff. Yet, he allowed your nuclear processes?"
"Oh yes. His signature was accompanied by the words 'yeah, yeah'."
"Did the Chancellor comment on the video while you were there?"
"Not at all. When I asked, he told me that it isn't the government's place to affirm or deny what goes in schoolbooks."
"How did you get Chancellor Lamepun's consent?"
"Fungusamongus was thrilled at the idea. He wholeheartedly accepted it."
"Okay. Why exactly did you propose the idea?"
"Miss Kueler, nuclear weapons a necessary step towards the creation of a safer TurtleShroom. Yes, it will mean a large area of land will become unusable as a result of the testing, and it will cost billions of Skillets, but that's the price we must pay for our national security. Just think of the power we will have if we can turn our enemies into plate glass!"
"...I see. Well, I've just heard that Chancellor Marvin and Chancellor Fungusamongus are going to make a speech about their decision."
The scene cuts to the Chancellary building. Both Chancellors are standing outside at podiums, while lights are flashing everywhere. Chancellor Marvin has a glazed look on his face, sort of like
.The mushroom began to speak, while his fellow Chancellor stood silently.
"The obtaining of nuclear weapons automatically makes any nation a force to be reckoned with on the global stage. When your primary weapons are pies, frying pans, and flying battleships, you need to develop far more advanced technology to combat anyone in today's world. No one will mess with us now that we have thousands of NUKES! YOU HEAR THAT, PEOPLE WHO HATE US?! BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Uh, ahem... it'll be great for the security of our... nation."
A mushroom, also a local Christian pastor, called out to speak. After he bowed to the Chancellor, he presented his question.
"You approved the legislation because you wanted to have that big orange lever you always wanted to install, in conjunction with a human that follows you holding a handcuffed suitcase, didn't you, Your Excellency?"
"..........................I can neither confirm nor deny that statement......................."
Another creature quried the silent Chancellor Marvin.
"Your Excellency, Chancellor Marvin, what do you have to say about this?"
"
"".................."
Chancellor Fungusamongus began, again, laughing maniacally. Chancellor Marvin continued to stare into space. The mushroom continued to speak.
"Really, I am shocked that my good friend here would have ever approved nuclear warheads. He was always afraid of those things. I'm glad he decided to pull through with it."
Nu Kueler took the microphone as the camera moved back to her.
"Well, it seems like a dark day for the Republic. Now here is the Glenn Party Whip, the Right Honorable Senator, Fannie Kickbuttshard, who seems to be very proud of the ruling."
A short, female human wearing a thick pair of glasses, also donning a suit, takes the microphone. She has scraggly brown hair and is literally holding a whip. A button on her suit says "I HATE LIBERALS".
"You're darn right I am!" the senator loudly proclaimed, "If anyone wants to go a-threatenin' TurtleShroom, they'll think twice now! We can blow any terrorist to kingdom come! Let the Lawd deal with 'em!"
"Well, I agree that the terrorists deserve the wrath of God, but are nukes really the best way to send them to the afterlife?"
"Well, gosh no! You don't go a-nukin' anyone who attacks you! Rather, you pass embargos on them an' invade terrorist homes once ya get a court search warrent! Oh, and you cut spending. ...-and taxes. Still, if they don't cooperate, we can nuke 'em! Besides, why exactly would someone want to mess with our capitalist, free-market system, anyway?"
"...-because we have Southern Baptist Christianity as a state religion? ...-because the Chancellors have autocratic veto authorities? ...-because we have Prohibition? ...-becuase of our nukes? ...-because divorce is settled in one irrevocalbe federal court with strong religious ties? ...-because we ban Satanism, Scientology, Pastafarianism, Anarchy, and Nazism? ...-because humans are a minority and because our nations are filled with talking turtles and mushrooms? ...-because of the commies around our borders? ...-because the national stereotype if that we're all religious zealots?"
"True that. Well, those who hate us won't mess with us."
"Okay. Now, on to the Headmaster of Weapons and Defense, Colonel Weneed Alaunchsystem."
Nu hands the microphone over to the Colonel. He is an old turtle wearing a pickelcoff helmet (the one with the spike on it) and seems to don a small pair of glasses. A medal of honor/valor is tied onto his neck.
"The instatement of nuclear weapons is a great idea, by far. I am very excited to have them built. However, consider this, madam: prior to this edict, we had one- count them -one missile, with the explosion power of a homemade terroist bomb, capable of two thousand miles. How are we supposed to build launch and storage systems for nuclear warheads, to hire experts, to make the console accessible to a turtle or a mushroom, to train for their use, to prevent too much testing, to instate a code, a classification for the code, to pay for the human with the Briefcase, to mine the uranium, to shut down the power plants, and so on?"
"Well-"
"Don't answer that; I'll tell you how! WITH LOTS OF SKILLETS! Billions will be spent, oh yes, but we'll be a NUCLEAR POWER! It'll be SO WORTH IT if we ever go to war!"
"I see. Well, I was going to interview an animal liberationist- the kind who free chickens, not turtles -who was against the movement, but he seems to have disappeared in a black van."
Silence.
"This is Nu Kuelar, Vixen News, signing off."
Lastly, here is a note from Chancellor Fungusamongus Lamepun, addressed to the nations of the world.
FROM THE REPUBLIC OF TURTLESHROOM:
THE DIARCHIAL CHANCELLORATE
CHANCELLOR FUNGUSAMONGUS, HEAD MUSHROOM OF THE REPUBLIC OF TURTLESHROOM
Dear Heads of State and Ambassadors of the Nations of the World, and to Whom it May Also Concern:
The Republic of TurtleShroom invites your commentary on this new legislation and on the building, usage, management, and otherwise of our thermonuclear weapons. What do you think about us having them? Do you have anything to suggest? When did you get nukes, if you have any? How big should they be? Should we produce tens of thousands, or a hundred thousand? The next time the uranium mining issue comes in, should we continue to mine select areas and preserve the rainforest? Where should we test our weapons, and how? Should we classify our nukes or publicize it? How do you go about with your nuclear weapons program? Is there any praise or criticism you have? Secretly, we here at TurtleShroom's government are very lonely. Please, send us your feedback on this monumental day and on the nation's decision!
Regards,
Chancellor Fungusamongus Weirdidea, Head Mushroom of the Republic of TurtleShroom
P.S.: Don't worry about Chancellor Marvin. He seems to be recovering from the shock of accidently approving a nuclear weapons program and will do just fine.
P.S.S.: Does anyone know of a human who will be willing to follow a fungus head of state with a breifcase handcuffed to his wrist? Would he also wear a black robe, as policy dictates?
Forty atomic bombs...
