Forgiveness, when to give.

[Greed and Death]

Well the crazy Ex of mine that went off the deep in of drugs contacted me recently. She had fallen worse than I had thought. Had wound up doing crack and gotten to 78 pounds before begging a court to order her to rehab. We exchanged some pleasantries and briefly caught up. I was happy she had sobered up.
Then I stopped responding to her emails. At first I could not figure out why, then after some introspection I determined it was because she had not apologized and I had not rendered forgiveness. In my mind she remains the drug bitch that burned me, and is after my money.

So, NSG when do you forgive?
And if forgiven do you lower your guard ?
As an added question to what degree is a recovering addict expected to account for their behavior ?

[Scomagia]

I forgive when I get a sincere apology, not just "I'm sorry" but an honest talk with the person about what they want me to forgive them for.

[Sun Aut Ex]

I don't forgive, I brood.

[Wikkiwallana]

I say give forgiveness only when it is sought, but as long as the seeker appears sincere it should then always be given. I'll admit that's a bit hard to live up to when it's an emotionally charged issue, but it's an ideal to be sought, not a command to be imposed.

[Nadkor]

When someone gets to 78 pounds and is heavily involved in hard drugs it's probably a fair assumption that their head isn't in a good place, so it's probably fair to cut them some slack, really. Especially when they beg a court to send them to rehab - at least they're trying to address their problems.

Maybe apologising to you wasn't quite at the top of her list of priorities at that precise moment in time.

[Lackadaisical2]

I don't forgive, I brooddrink.

^this.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I forgive, but my guard remains up. Some may say that means I haven't really forgiven.

[Wilgrove]

I forgive when I get a sincere apology, not just "I'm sorry" but an honest talk with the person about what they want me to forgive them about.

^^ This

[Greed and Death]

I forgive, but my guard remains up. Some may say that means I haven't really forgiven.

She tried that argument(when on the stuff) with me saying if i forgave her i would date her again.

[Sun Aut Ex]

I don't forgive, I brooddrink.

^this.

Well, that too.

[Greed and Death]

When someone gets to 78 pounds and is heavily involved in hard drugs it's probably a fair assumption that their head isn't in a good place, so it's probably fair to cut them some slack, really. Especially when they beg a court to send them to rehab - at least they're trying to address their problems.

Maybe apologising to you wasn't quite at the top of her list of priorities at that precise moment in time.

Though this begs the question what are her motivations for contacting me on face book then ?

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I forgive, but my guard remains up. Some may say that means I haven't really forgiven.

She tried that argument(when on the stuff) with me saying if i forgave her i would date her again.

Why she thought that? Forgiveness for what she did, I doubt, entailed you getting back with her, right?

[Jesusvilleland]

To me forgiveness and trust are completely different things, I'd just forgive her for whatever happened and move on with my life. If you aren't comfortable even exchanging emails I think she at least deserves you telling her that in a polite and firm way, just ignoring the emails seems pretty immature and actually quite rude. All it takes is a simple, "I'm happy for you, I'm proud of you, but I think it's just time we both move on with our lives. I wish you the very best"

Of course she probably won't like that, but IMO it's much better that she knows how you feel rather than just being left out to dry without an explanation, of course the last thing you want is to unintentionally drive her back into depression and the same lifestyle she had before.

[Greed and Death]

She tried that argument(when on the stuff) with me saying if i forgave her i would date her again.

Why she thought that? Forgiveness for what she did, I doubt, entailed you getting back with her, right?

Most certainly not. The incident was her sleeping with my friend begging me to take her back( the words she used was run away to Vegas and marry me) then trying to sleep with my friend again two days later while we were hosting a peace meeting between my friends and her friends.

[Nadkor]

When someone gets to 78 pounds and is heavily involved in hard drugs it's probably a fair assumption that their head isn't in a good place, so it's probably fair to cut them some slack, really. Especially when they beg a court to send them to rehab - at least they're trying to address their problems.

Maybe apologising to you wasn't quite at the top of her list of priorities at that precise moment in time.

Though this begs the question what are her motivations for contacting me on face book then ?

Trying to re-establish friendships lost?

[Greed and Death]

Though this begs the question what are her motivations for contacting me on face book then ?

Trying to re-establish friendships lost?

I guess my problem with that is I can not give her that until she takes responsibility for that year of hell, which can only be described as a series of actions whose goal was to inflict as much pain on me as possible. The list includes but is not limited too Sleeping with a friend of mine, endangering the life of my son (and mine), telling my professors that I got her addicted to drugs, use of drugs in my apartment before I revoke her key and so on.

[Nadkor]

Trying to re-establish friendships lost?

I guess my problem with that is I can not give her that until she takes responsibility for that year of hell, which can only be described as a series of actions whose goal was to inflict as much pain on me as possible. The list includes but is not limited too Sleeping with a friend of mine, endangering the life of my son (and mine), telling my professors that I got her addicted to drugs, use of drugs in my apartment before I revoke her key and so on.

People who are in a bad place do crazy things. This seems like a prime example.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

Why she thought that? Forgiveness for what she did, I doubt, entailed you getting back with her, right?

Most certainly not. The incident was her sleeping with my friend begging me to take her back( the words she used was run away to Vegas and marry me) then trying to sleep with my friend again two days later while we were hosting a peace meeting between my friends and her friends.

Not cool, dude. Not cool on her part, at all.

My advice: forgive her, yes. But do it for your own good. For your benefit. It has been said, yes, that being the junky she was, her head was definitely not in the right place. The forgiveness just allows you to move on. Forgiving her doesn't entail you even talking to her.

[Greed and Death]

I guess my problem with that is I can not give her that until she takes responsibility for that year of hell, which can only be described as a series of actions whose goal was to inflict as much pain on me as possible. The list includes but is not limited too Sleeping with a friend of mine, endangering the life of my son (and mine), telling my professors that I got her addicted to drugs, use of drugs in my apartment before I revoke her key and so on.

People who are in a bad place do crazy things. This seems like a prime example.

Okay, so what do I do ? Do I say look if you want to keep talking to me you need to take responsibility for that shit you did ? Because as long as she takes no responsibility for her self sober or not there are issues.

[Nadkor]

People who are in a bad place do crazy things. This seems like a prime example.

Okay, so what do I do ? Do I say look if you want to keep talking to me you need to take responsibility for that shit you did ? Because as long as she takes no responsibility for her self sober or not there are issues.

Tell her you're not happy with what she did, but that you can understand her head wasn't right so you won't use it against her. Also tell her that you need to see that she's doing better and is taking her recovery seriously before you can even begin to consider anything happening, but that if she ever needs to talk, a shoulder to cry on, or just a bit of help with coping you'll do your best.

Coming off what she's been on isn't going to be easy, and she's going to need help along the way because most people will struggle. She might have a few slip ups along the way. Even if you never re-establish a relationship with her, giving help to someone who is clearly trying is always worthwhile, if just to help her get back on an even keel.

[Smunkeeville]

In this particular case I would give her a few weeks before I said anything. The beginning of rehab is all about "you suck, you can't control yourself" the whole "you fucked up and ruined shit for a lot of people asshole" comes later. She'll probably apologize in a few weeks after she's not a complete gork trying to survive withdrawal syndrome. Way to be selfish though, I'm proud.

[Nadkor]

Way to be selfish though, I'm proud.

You expected anything else?

[Greed and Death]

In this particular case I would give her a few weeks before I said anything. The beginning of rehab is all about "you suck, you can't control yourself" the whole "you fucked up and ruined shit for a lot of people asshole" comes later. She'll probably apologize in a few weeks after she's not a complete gork trying to survive withdrawal syndrome. Way to be selfish though, I'm proud.

I did leave out she has been clean for a year.

[Nadkor]

In this particular case I would give her a few weeks before I said anything. The beginning of rehab is all about "you suck, you can't control yourself" the whole "you fucked up and ruined shit for a lot of people asshole" comes later. She'll probably apologize in a few weeks after she's not a complete gork trying to survive withdrawal syndrome. Way to be selfish though, I'm proud.

I did leave out she has been clean for a year.

In which case you can't deny that what she's doing is pretty impressive, even if she perhaps hasn't quite got her head back in order yet. A lot of people would have lost that fight long before now.

[Umbra Ac Silentium]

:'] I forgive super super real quick.
I find no point in staying mad. :] Sure I might be ticked for a little, but I just fap it out...
I generally tend to have problems only forgiving myself, really. ._. Stuff from months or even years back bites away at me.