Generalites: How do you view yourselves in a relationship?

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

Yes, the title is not self-explicit, my apologies. Let me provide a bit of background and then I'll ask a few things.

My best friend, whom I love dearly but who has a life worthy of a Latin American soap opera (drama!!!), called me today. He was in a tizzy. I haven't been feeling very patient lately but I took a deep breath and made up my mind to listen to his new dilemma and give my honest opinion. Apparently, he got into a fight with his SO and some 'hurtful' words were exchanged. The crux of the matter is that his SO ended telling him that he sees him (my best friend) as the 'lady of the house'. Which, of course, made my friend furious.

Upon asking him why his SO said this, he replayed by saying that he functions as secretary, cook, cleaning person, organizer, washer and overall shoulder to cry on for his SO, who's a dentist. I also got the hint that his SO considers him the feminine aspect of the relationship. Something that, tbh, confuses me but this wasn't what made me ponder (if anyone wishes to offer some insight, feel free to). What made me ponder was: do we (both male and female) assume certain 'positions' (roles maybe) in our relationships? And if so, how do we view ourselves in said relationship? If not, still, how do you view yourself in a relationship?

I don't think I do. Yes, I am the wife, but that doesn't mean that I am just 'the wife'. I am also my SO's friend, and I support him emotionally as he supports me emotionally. Sometimes he has the reigns, and sometimes (depending on how we feel) I am the one who has the reigns. Partnership, I think, it's the best way to describe this. However, have any of you ever been in a relationship with 'strictly' defined 'roles'?

[Arkinesia]

I don't really believe in strict gender roles. It doesn't work on an airliner deck, why would it work in live-in/committed relationships?

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I don't really believe in strict gender roles. It doesn't work on an airliner deck, why would it work in live-in/committed relationships?

I don't believe in them either, but apparently, some people (like my friend's SO) do.

[SaintB]

I try to keep things on equal footing and generally seem to get nothing but grief for it.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I try to keep things on equal footing and generally seem to get nothing but grief for it.

How so? How do you get grief for trying to keep your relationships on equal footing?

[Ashmoria]

all i want to say is

is your friend's SO crazy? is she trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg? does she have no idea how hard it is to find a man who will do the "lady things" around the house? making him feel less manly for doing those things is a great way to lose him. then she'll have to do all that stuff herself!

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

all i want to say is

is your friend's SO crazy? is she trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg? does she have no idea how hard it is to find a man who will do the "lady things" around the house? making him feel less manly for doing those things is a great way to lose him. then she'll have to do all that stuff herself!

I am of the opinion that my friend's SO is just an asshole. They've been together something like 7 years now and things have been this disjointed pretty much from the start. However, this new development puzzled me. It didn't surprise me, but it did puzzle me.

[SaintB]

I try to keep things on equal footing and generally seem to get nothing but grief for it.

How so? How do you get grief for trying to keep your relationships on equal footing?

My latest SO worked 2 jobs and wanted space, they asked if we could restrict most of our time together to special occasions and plan things ahead of time around her work schedule, thusly I gave it to her. I let her work, I stayed conscious of her schedule I let her take time to relax on her own when she wanted to (customer service jobs make you hate people sometimes) and on days I could I spent time with her. Day before April fools she dumps me for the guy she met online in her free time when she 'wanted to relax and not talk to anyone.' I always treated her as an equal, I compromised when it didn't benefit me, I did favors when asked or needed; I did for her what I would want someone to do for me the same as in any other relationship but unlike with other people I put her needs first ahead of theirs. That's how I treat SO and expect to be treated the same in return.

Instead I get grief. I have 3 or 4 similar stories.

[NERVUN]

I'm not a big fan of gender roles. That said, given my wife's cultural heritage there's certain things that she insists on doing to be a proper wife and feels there's certain things that I should be doing to be a good husband. Some of them I've given up on as knowing I'm never going to win (Such as driving on trips and fixing things around the house for me and her getting up early to see me off to work for her). Somethings however I refuse to give up on because I don't care if I'm a guy, if I like to cook I will damn well cook on the weekends to give her a break. There's also things that, given both our cultures, we have had to get used to doing in ways that seem odd to us. I'm used to managing the household accounts, the usual way in Japan though is for women to manage the money and give guys an allowence. My wife has had to accept that I just will not give up my paycheck to her every month. On the other hand though, given her superior ability at Japanese, she gets to deal with things like forms, governement stuff, and major sales decisions that usually a guy would be doing.

In terms of the feeling aspect of our relationship though, we both are more partners in crime instead of one being the rock and the other seeking comfort.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

How so? How do you get grief for trying to keep your relationships on equal footing?

My latest SO worked 2 jobs and wanted space, they asked if we could restrict most of our time together to special occasions and plan things ahead of time around her work schedule, thusly I gave it to her. I let her work, I stayed conscious of her schedule I let her take time to relax on her own when she wanted to (customer service jobs make you hate people sometimes) and on days I could I spent time with her. Day before April fools she dumps me for the guy she met online in her free time when she 'wanted to relax and not talk to anyone.' I always treated her as an equal, I compromised when it didn't benefit me, I did favors when asked or needed; I did for her what I would want someone to do for me the same as in any other relationship but unlike with other people I put her needs first ahead of theirs. That's how I treat SO and expect to be treated the same in return.

Instead I get grief. I have 3 or 4 similar stories.

I see. Some people do not recognize that what they have is gold. I am sorry this happened to you. But don't despair much, I am sure someone will come around and appreciate that you maintain equality in your relationships.

[Call to power]

I am of the opinion that my friend's SO is just an asshole. They've been together something like 7 years now and things have been this disjointed pretty much from the start. However, this new development puzzled me. It didn't surprise me, but it did puzzle me.

his SO said it knowing it would get under his skin and it is perhaps merely a fabrication as such.

Another case closed by the NSG detective community.

[Arkinesia]

all i want to say is

is your friend's SO crazy? is she trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg? does she have no idea how hard it is to find a man who will do the "lady things" around the house? making him feel less manly for doing those things is a great way to lose him. then she'll have to do all that stuff herself!

+1, good guys like that are hard to find these days.

Speaking as one who hopes he can do all of these things because it looks like he will end up marrying a teacher no matter what he does…

[SaintB]

My latest SO worked 2 jobs and wanted space, they asked if we could restrict most of our time together to special occasions and plan things ahead of time around her work schedule, thusly I gave it to her. I let her work, I stayed conscious of her schedule I let her take time to relax on her own when she wanted to (customer service jobs make you hate people sometimes) and on days I could I spent time with her. Day before April fools she dumps me for the guy she met online in her free time when she 'wanted to relax and not talk to anyone.' I always treated her as an equal, I compromised when it didn't benefit me, I did favors when asked or needed; I did for her what I would want someone to do for me the same as in any other relationship but unlike with other people I put her needs first ahead of theirs. That's how I treat SO and expect to be treated the same in return.

Instead I get grief. I have 3 or 4 similar stories.

I see. Some people do not recognize that what they have is gold. I am sorry this happened to you. But don't despair much, I am sure someone will come around and appreciate that you maintain equality in your relationships.

Apparently not in this shithole. They all try to come back at some point but I don't go for it.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I'm not a big fan of gender roles. That said, given my wife's cultural heritage there's certain things that she insists on doing to be a proper wife and feels there's certain things that I should be doing to be a good husband. Some of them I've given up on as knowing I'm never going to win (Such as driving on trips and fixing things around the house for me and her getting up early to see me off to work for her). Somethings however I refuse to give up on because I don't care if I'm a guy, if I like to cook I will damn well cook on the weekends to give her a break. There's also things that, given both our cultures, we have had to get used to doing in ways that seem odd to us. I'm used to managing the household accounts, the usual way in Japan though is for women to manage the money and give guys an allowence. My wife has had to accept that I just will not give up my paycheck to her every month. On the other hand though, given her superior ability at Japanese, she gets to deal with things like forms, governement stuff, and major sales decisions that usually a guy would be doing.

In terms of the feeling aspect of our relationship though, we both are more partners in crime instead of one being the rock and the other seeking comfort.

I think I understand your wife, and I understand you perfectly. Like her, there are things I just like doing, because it is a cultural thing for me, like cooking meals, doing laundry, keeping the house spiffy for him. That is, like you said, not to say that if I'm sick or he has a hunkering for grilling, that my husband is beyond cooking. He does it. He is also quite capable of washing dishes, cleaning house and doing laundry.

Your post, however, made me think of 'cultural' gender roles. My friend and his SO are both from Spain, and ours is a strong culture. What makes me curious is, too, how these 'roles' (constructed or not) manifest themselves in this homosexual couple. How is it that, it seems, that in their relationship, there must forcefully be a 'male' aspect and a 'female' aspect.

[Call to power]

to answer the question I do like doing guy stuff because that is society for you but I guess I tend to be the submissive one

Instead I get grief. I have 3 or 4 similar stories.

shoulda known

[Miasto Lodz]

However, have any of you ever been in a relationship with 'strictly' defined 'roles'?

Yes. I wouldn't let myself to dive in the unknown water. It's the matter of comfort.

all i want to say is

is your friend's SO crazy? is she trying to kill the goose that laid the golden egg? does she have no idea how hard it is to find a man who will do the "lady things" around the house?

??

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

However, have any of you ever been in a relationship with 'strictly' defined 'roles'?

Yes. I wouldn't let myself to dive in the unknown water. It's the matter of comfort.

True. And how does it feel? (if you can talk about it)

[SaintB]

i think the only roles anyone has in a relationship are to work to make each other happier people.

[Grainne Ni Malley]

I don't believe in gender roles specifically, but find they are quite easy to fall into.

I have been the breadwinner and the housewife. It seems that, as the breadwinner, I was still expected to be the housewife when I got home. As the housewife, I am expected to also get off my ass and earn a buck. I don't know. Phuckit. Sometimes I hate being a woman... or hate men. Not sure which, yet.

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I don't believe in gender roles specifically, but find they are quite easy to fall into.

I have been the breadwinner and the housewife. It seems that, as the breadwinner, I was still expected to be the housewife when I got home. As the housewife, I am expected to also get off my ass and earn a buck. I don't know. Phuckit. Sometimes I hate being a woman... or hate men. Not sure which, yet.

Try both. Sometimes we hate both.

In my past relationship, I was the breadwinner and my ex was the tick sucking my blood. And I was expected to be the housekeeper too. My ex wouldn't lift a finger. I am so glad I got out of that.

[SaintB]

I don't believe in gender roles specifically, but find they are quite easy to fall into.

I have been the breadwinner and the housewife. It seems that, as the breadwinner, I was still expected to be the housewife when I got home. As the housewife, I am expected to also get off my ass and earn a buck. I don't know. Phuckit. Sometimes I hate being a woman... or hate men. Not sure which, yet.

Hate society it works for me.

[NERVUN]

I'm not a big fan of gender roles. That said, given my wife's cultural heritage there's certain things that she insists on doing to be a proper wife and feels there's certain things that I should be doing to be a good husband. Some of them I've given up on as knowing I'm never going to win (Such as driving on trips and fixing things around the house for me and her getting up early to see me off to work for her). Somethings however I refuse to give up on because I don't care if I'm a guy, if I like to cook I will damn well cook on the weekends to give her a break. There's also things that, given both our cultures, we have had to get used to doing in ways that seem odd to us. I'm used to managing the household accounts, the usual way in Japan though is for women to manage the money and give guys an allowence. My wife has had to accept that I just will not give up my paycheck to her every month. On the other hand though, given her superior ability at Japanese, she gets to deal with things like forms, governement stuff, and major sales decisions that usually a guy would be doing.

In terms of the feeling aspect of our relationship though, we both are more partners in crime instead of one being the rock and the other seeking comfort.

I think I understand your wife, and I understand you perfectly. Like her, there are things I just like doing, because it is a cultural thing for me, like cooking meals, doing laundry, keeping the house spiffy for him. That is, like you said, not to say that if I'm sick or he has a hunkering for grilling, that my husband is beyond cooking. He does it. He is also quite capable of washing dishes, cleaning house and doing laundry.

Your post, however, made me think of 'cultural' gender roles. My friend and his SO are both from Spain, and ours is a strong culture. What makes me curious is, too, how these 'roles' (constructed or not) manifest themselves in this homosexual couple. How is it that, it seems, that in their relationship, there must forcefully be a 'male' aspect and a 'female' aspect.

I think if you're in a culture with strong gender roles (Such as Japan), there's enormous pressure to act to those roles. My wife feels that there are things that she MUST do here that she never did in the US. In the US, when we had moved in together, there was never an issue regarding breakfast. We both had different scheduals for university so it was a very American matter of you make what you want and eat it yourself.

In Japan though, she's actually embarrased about the fact that I won the argument that I am capable of making my own breakfast (Indeed, I am far more versitile than she is if I have the time, but on day to day it's just not that hard to make toast and coffee) and she need not get up at some ungodly hour just to present me with rice and miso soup the way her mother does for her father. But I have been told that she feels she's letting me down as a wife because women are supposed to cook for their husbands. Husbands can do things like yaki-nikku parties, but unless they are working as a cook (And even then), they shouldn't be making their own breakfasts. She says that she thinks other women look down on her for not fulfilling her role as a wife.

Couldn't help you with homosexual couples though. Sorry.

[Eisen Reich]

i dont think there are concrete gender roles, i prefer a nuclear family, a working dad, a stay at home mom, but i know there are women who want a carreer and thats great. i do believe that you need to support each other but i also believe that if the man makes the money then he should get the biggest say. if its equel then the say is equal

[Nanatsu no Tsuki]

I think I understand your wife, and I understand you perfectly. Like her, there are things I just like doing, because it is a cultural thing for me, like cooking meals, doing laundry, keeping the house spiffy for him. That is, like you said, not to say that if I'm sick or he has a hunkering for grilling, that my husband is beyond cooking. He does it. He is also quite capable of washing dishes, cleaning house and doing laundry.

Your post, however, made me think of 'cultural' gender roles. My friend and his SO are both from Spain, and ours is a strong culture. What makes me curious is, too, how these 'roles' (constructed or not) manifest themselves in this homosexual couple. How is it that, it seems, that in their relationship, there must forcefully be a 'male' aspect and a 'female' aspect.

I think if you're in a culture with strong gender roles (Such as Japan), there's enormous pressure to act to those roles. My wife feels that there are things that she MUST do here that she never did in the US. In the US, when we had moved in together, there was never an issue regarding breakfast. We both had different scheduals for university so it was a very American matter of you make what you want and eat it yourself.

In Japan though, she's actually embarrased about the fact that I won the argument that I am capable of making my own breakfast (Indeed, I am far more versitile than she is if I have the time, but on day to day it's just not that hard to make toast and coffee) and she need not get up at some ungodly hour just to present me with rice and miso soup the way her mother does for her father. But I have been told that she feels she's letting me down as a wife because women are supposed to cook for their husbands. Husbands can do things like yaki-nikku parties, but unless they are working as a cook (And even then), they shouldn't be making their own breakfasts. She says that she thinks other women look down on her for not fulfilling her role as a wife.

I understand her feelings so well. My grandmother and my mother (although my mom stopped this practice when she met my stepdad) were like this. They felt it was their cultural duty to cook and do everything for their husbands. And it was frowned upon if they didn't fulfill these duties to a T by others. I grew up seeing this and I feel like a bad wife (although this is slowly changing) if I do not cook for my husband.

[Auremena]

I don't really believe in strict gender roles. It doesn't work on an airliner deck, why would it work in live-in/committed relationships?

I wish I could ignore them, but my parents believe otherwise, and want me to be nothing more than a housewife, which I suck at anyways. I can't cook, clean, wash, or anything worth a shit, save iron.