SUMMER 2014 SHORT STORY CONTEST

[Kannap]

Is this dead?

The judges said they were working on it last time I heard from any of them. It has been a couple of days since then, though, so I am not sure if they got distracted or what.

Sorry, I have been preoccupied with searching for a part time job. I will do some more reading on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning.

[Nazi Flower Power]

The judges said they were working on it last time I heard from any of them. It has been a couple of days since then, though, so I am not sure if they got distracted or what.

Sorry, I have been preoccupied with searching for a part time job. I will do some more reading on Sunday afternoon or Monday morning.

OK. Hope you can find something in the job hunt. I love having a part time job. I don't necessarily enjoy the work itself, but I love being able to make some money without spending 40 hours a week in a cubicle.

[Nazi Flower Power]

I hope the delay here is not because my story bored you to death...

[The New World Oceania]

I hope the delay here is not because my story bored you to death...

Might not be finished until August. Chapbook contest on short notice, so I'm spending about three hours a day writing. Soon I'll have the scores in, though. I'm going to try giving easier scores with a balance of subjectivity and objectivity and an emphasis on critical theory, as the other two seem to be stricter and harder with their scoring.

[Nazi Flower Power]

I hope the delay here is not because my story bored you to death...

Might not be finished until August. Chapbook contest on short notice, so I'm spending about three hours a day writing. Soon I'll have the scores in, though. I'm going to try giving easier scores with a balance of subjectivity and objectivity and an emphasis on critical theory, as the other two seem to be stricter and harder with their scoring.

Yeah, I noticed we got a harsh batch of judges this time around, but that's OK. There is something to be said for being blunt with people and letting them know what didn't work. I do realize that it takes time and thought to write the kind of detailed comments like you did for Helsary -- which I enjoyed reading BTW. Sad as it is to say, I think your comments were more entertaining than their story.

They originally posted that their story was inspired by their own life, so I do hope they are getting help if they need it and that the negative feedback here is not causing them too much anguish.

[Hicana]

Heh. I for one didn't mind the criticism - after none of it for quite a long time, it was kind of nice knowing that I wasn't wrong in thinking my writing wasn't actually that good.

(puppet of Llama, BTW.)

[Conserative Morality]

A little more. Rough few weeks.

Characters: 11/25
You seemed to struggle to give each character unique diction, but voice without personality is pointless. None of the characters seemed to have any real traits. They were defined wholly by their roles in the story.

Plot: 8/25
WHAT A TWEEST

Too bad it was not merely foreshadowed, but readily apparent within the first dozen lines. You really laid it on thick there. And the idea wasn't really strong enough to stand on its own.

Setting: 10/15
Description overall was enough to set the story, but didn't add to it or stand out on its own.

Creativity: 6/15
Overdone. Seen it dozens of times.

Style: 7/15
I appreciate the attempt to give the narrator's voice a place in the story, but overall, your style needs work.

“Damn glad that’s over with.” Douglass from the cell to the right moaned, reclining on his ravaged cot.

“Until the next one, anyway.” Garza from the cell to the left snorted, sitting on the edge of his bunk.

“Is there ever an end?” I muttered, looking down at the cracked concrete floor with a mixture of apathy and apprehension. Garza shot me an amused look and shook his head.

An excess of said bookisms and forced description detract from the story and the setting and just fill up space and the reader's focus with empty words.

Grammar and Spelling: 5/5
Nothing I noticed.

Overall Score: 47/100

Nothing about it really stood out, good or bad.

Characters: 6/25
The protagonist is the only one with any real characterization, and even that feels pretty chained to the plot.

Plot: 8/25
I could follow the plot well enough, but very little about the goals or the motivation behind the revolution was properly expressed. You threw in a bit of 'they were only going for power' there in the end, but the surface justifications would have fleshed out the revolution more. 'How' would also be a good question to answer.

Setting: 5/15
Difficult to understand.

I’m Heul Hartien and I live in Huhtern. This is a land; we don’t have towns or villages. My parents were officers – nobody important. They loved me and it was my luck.

I haven't the slightest clue what that means.

Creativity: 8/15
Full circle revolutions are always fun, but rarely original. I suppose a revolution of the telepathic (???) deaf is a new one.

Style: 6/15
Gonna assume you wrote this in a word file or something similar, and just copy/pasted? For future reference, put spaces for paragraphs; indentations don't carry over. Your use of ellipses was excessive, without a doubt. Don't capitalize after them unless the word would normally be capitalized. Fix the numerous grammar/spelling/tense mistakes. The dialogue is stilted and awkward. At times it was difficult to understand even the narrator.

For all this, the style wasn't bad, but it does need to be fixed up before it can be examined on its own merits. It reads as though English is not your first language; like you know what to say and how you want to phrase it, but without the technical proficiency to execute it smoothly.

Grammar and Spelling: 1/5
Major spelling and grammar mistakes. Past/present tense issues were a major problem.

Overall Score: 36/100

Had potential, but felt rushed and was difficult to understand.

[Conserative Morality]

Fin!

Characters: 25/25
You say so much about the only two characters in the story with so little.

Plot: 23/25
"I let my heart choose for me" was a crappy end. I don't mean that because it's ambiguous, I mean that because it sounds cheesy.

Setting: 15/15
Wonderful. See: style.

Creativity: 12/15
I feel like this is a pretty common subject for short stories - estranged parent figure, suicide, etc etc, but the execution was excellent, and it's not unoriginal, just not particularly creative.

Style: 14/15
Jesus, this was excellent. You have an economy of words that doesn't detract from the beauty of the prose itself at all. All of the story flowed incredibly smoothly. I'm being a grump, though, and taking off a point for this:

The wooden handle, like all of the other wood things in this cursed room, was rendered all but black by the darkness.

It was so jarring I revisited it several times before I even finished the story. I just can't let that go, especially not when all the rest of your style was so damn near perfect. I suppose I didn't care for the baby's bottom line either. It seemed out of place.

Grammar and Spelling: 5/5
Nothing I noticed.

Thunder growled in the distance like a lion ready to pounce.

I would have added a comma after distance, but that might be more a personal stylistic preference. I was never much good with grammar rules.

Overall Score: 92/100
Damn good stuff.

Characters: 12/25
Mystery is all well and good, but sometimes it's just annoying. Yes, even in espionage thrillers. As such, neither Silk nor Samantha stuck out as characters on their own. They were generic espionage archetypes.

Plot: 13/25
Borders on incomprehensible near the end.

Setting: 9/15
Not always the best, but not particularly bad. I generally had a good idea of the location and surroundings.

Creativity: 10/15
I do enjoy a good spy thriller.

Style: 9/15
Starts strong, but gradually weakens over the course of the story. Much of the personality that is at first present slowly drains away into a passable, but not particularly remarkable style of prose. Near the end it borders on bland.

"Aargh!"

[/quote]
No.

Grammar and Spelling: 3/5
Some mistakes, both grammar and spelling.

Overall Score: 57/100
Strong start, but gradually weakens in all matters as it continues.

[Nazi Flower Power]

Yay! Thank you, CM.

[Forsher]

Characters: 12/25
Mystery is all well and good, but sometimes it's just annoying. Yes, even in espionage thrillers. As such, neither Silk nor Samantha stuck out as characters on their own. They were generic espionage archetypes.

Plot: 13/25
Borders on incomprehensible near the end.

Setting: 9/15
Not always the best, but not particularly bad. I generally had a good idea of the location and surroundings.

Creativity: 10/15
I do enjoy a good spy thriller.

Style: 9/15
Starts strong, but gradually weakens over the course of the story. Much of the personality that is at first present slowly drains away into a passable, but not particularly remarkable style of prose. Near the end it borders on bland.

"Aargh!"

No.

Grammar and Spelling: 3/5
Some mistakes, both grammar and spelling.

Overall Score: 57/100
Strong start, but gradually weakens in all matters as it continues.

Hurrah! 57/100; that's pretty good for my stories in these things. Also, the tailing off is not so surprising in hindsight what with the late submission status of this.

Edit... that should fix it; I only had 15 seconds left before being forcibly logged off when I hit submit so I might have fixed it earlier.

[Respubliko de Libereco]

Characters: 12/25
Mystery is all well and good, but sometimes it's just annoying. Yes, even in espionage thrillers. As such, neither Silk nor Samantha stuck out as characters on their own. They were generic espionage archetypes.

Plot: 13/25
Borders on incomprehensible near the end.

Setting: 9/15
Not always the best, but not particularly bad. I generally had a good idea of the location and surroundings.

Creativity: 10/15
I do enjoy a good spy thriller.

Style: 9/15
Starts strong, but gradually weakens over the course of the story. Much of the personality that is at first present slowly drains away into a passable, but not particularly remarkable style of prose. Near the end it borders on bland.


No.

Grammar and Spelling: 3/5
Some mistakes, both grammar and spelling.

Overall Score: 57/100
Strong start, but gradually weakens in all matters as it continues.

Hurrah! 57/100; that's pretty good for my stories in these things. Also, the tailing off is not so surprising in hindsight what with the late submission status of this.

I think you need to remove the extra "[/quote]" after "Aargh!"

Also, Conservative Morality, thanks for finishing up your part of the marking. Hopefully the other judges will follow your shining example.

[Forsher]

I think you need to remove the extra "

" after "Aargh!"[/quote]

Why break hearts when you can break threads? Thanks for pointing that out.

[Nazi Flower Power]

Characters: 12/25
Mystery is all well and good, but sometimes it's just annoying. Yes, even in espionage thrillers. As such, neither Silk nor Samantha stuck out as characters on their own. They were generic espionage archetypes.

Plot: 13/25
Borders on incomprehensible near the end.

Setting: 9/15
Not always the best, but not particularly bad. I generally had a good idea of the location and surroundings.

Creativity: 10/15
I do enjoy a good spy thriller.

Style: 9/15
Starts strong, but gradually weakens over the course of the story. Much of the personality that is at first present slowly drains away into a passable, but not particularly remarkable style of prose. Near the end it borders on bland.


No.

Grammar and Spelling: 3/5
Some mistakes, both grammar and spelling.

Overall Score: 57/100
Strong start, but gradually weakens in all matters as it continues.

Hurrah! 57/100; that's pretty good for my stories in these things. Also, the tailing off is not so surprising in hindsight what with the late submission status of this.

Edit... that should fix it; I only had 15 seconds left before being forcibly logged off when I hit submit so I might have fixed it earlier.

I think your writing has gotten better with practice. Early on, I wasn't quite sure if you were writing humor or if you were serious and just had whacky stories, so it was kind of confusing.

[Conserative Morality]

Is this still alive?

[Nazi Flower Power]

Is this still alive?

I think I need to nudge the other judges....

[Respubliko de Libereco]

Is this still alive?

I think I need to nudge the other judges....

Perhaps we need to ritualistically invoke them?

We summon and compel thee, great New World,
by coal-black ink and paper white as snow,
and by the pow'r of ASCII script we call
the great Kannap! Speak, ye, with us below.
By Barry, who hath authored NationStates,
and by the Mods who must enforce his will,
by Improvisatoria, the muse
of your great magazine (and roleplay skill),
we beg you, come to pass your judgement well!
Until you do, the winner none can tell.

[Nazi Flower Power]

I think I need to nudge the other judges....

Perhaps we need to ritualistically invoke them?

We summon and compel thee, great New World,
by coal-black ink and paper white as snow,
and by the pow'r of ASCII script we call
the great Kannap! Speak, ye, with us below.
By Barry, who hath authored NationStates,
and by the Mods who must enforce his will,
by Improvisatoria, the muse
of your great magazine (and roleplay skill),
we beg you, come to pass your judgement well!
Until you do, the winner none can tell.

Kannap says she should have time for this in early August.

[Nazi Flower Power]

So... NWO hasn't answered the last TG I sent about judging, I am getting a bit impatient. The one story that he did write up scores for, I thought he did a good job, but this is just taking too long to get scores in. Is anyone interested in being a replacement judge?

[The New World Oceania]

So... NWO hasn't answered the last TG I sent about judging, I am getting a bit impatient. The one story that he did write up scores for, I thought he did a good job, but this is just taking too long to get scores in. Is anyone interested in being a replacement judge?

I'm not able to be on NS at all for the next two or three weeks, so a replacement might be the best bet. Apologies for the inconvienence.

[Nazi Flower Power]

So... NWO hasn't answered the last TG I sent about judging, I am getting a bit impatient. The one story that he did write up scores for, I thought he did a good job, but this is just taking too long to get scores in. Is anyone interested in being a replacement judge?

I'm not able to be on NS at all for the next two or three weeks, so a replacement might be the best bet. Apologies for the inconvienence.

I TGed Occupied Deutschland and he said he is willing to take your place.

[Occupied Deutschland]

Helsary

Characters: 3/25

Alex is obviously the main character here, and we get some fleshing out of him. There’s one line near the beginning about him doing what he did best: hurting himself, and that seemed a very fine way of establishing his character as for the rest of the story he ‘hurts himself’ in various ways, first physically and then mentally with how he thinks about things. He seems to turn everything back on himself (with help from outside of course). In particular the vision incident that occurs where he cannot read the vision test panel in his room and just stares at the ceiling. This is a powerful moment.
However, both these incidents and the others could be helped by some additional narrative description or, depending on the layout of the story, more direct thoughts from Alex. Currently, we have a dispassionate observer of Alex at some points, and what seem like Alex’s thoughts at other times. The beginning where Alex begins to cut himself could use some work in mixing those two together a bit. As I mentioned before, the observation in the narrative where it mentions Alex doing what he does best is powerful, but if we then got a thought or description of things from Alex’s point of view it could be made more powerful I think. For example:

He just couldn't read any of them anymore.No matter how much he tried,he ended up looking away in self-disgust.She was the only person that he thought could trust with anything.Rolling his sleeve up and grabbing the razor sitting under the bed,he started doing what he did best:hurting himself. Tracing the razor over the new cuts for a moment, Alex shifted instead to the old ones and began his beautiful work. Bright, cherry-red began to pool behind the razor as he drew it across his arm, and the familiar sensation of pain evoked the ghost of a smile from Alex.

This is perhaps a bit more ‘flowery’ than necessary, but I just wanted something as a demonstration piece. If we got more glimpses ‘inside’ Alex’s head throughout the story he’d be a more, if not relatable, at least understandable character.

Alex’s father and his ‘friend’ could use some fleshing out, or perhaps a combination into the same entity. It seems you were avoiding too much focus on them and dedicating the story to Alex, which would work, but in order to do so more effectively I’d suggest combining them. Make his father a bit more friendly (as his ‘friend’ tried to be) but ultimately too strict/uncaring (as his ‘friend turned out to be) and lose the visit from the friend entirely. *shrug* That’s just my own feeling on the matter though.
Plot: 5/25

We have a clear progression of events. All kinds of depressing things happen to Alex  Alex kills himself. We do, and I’m unsure if you were going for it or not, get a feeling of success for Alex at the end rather than tragedy, which is a bit different than usual in stories concerning suicide as a topic.
As a whole, a lot of the narrative suffers from ‘this then that’ syndrome. We get the events that occur described pretty well, but Alex’s reactions to them always seem a bit too physical and not enough mental (this carried into the suggestion I gave for Alex’s character to be displayed more in writing). If we got a description of the room, or of his friends or his father or, perhaps most powerfully, his girlfriend, all of these events could flow together a bit better. There’d be another portion of writing that displayed Alex’s problems and thoughts through less physical means. HOW he described his father, for instance, could easily reflect his mood. Does he think his father cares about him or is only concerned about what he can get out of him (as it is we see his father seeming to only care about what Alex can do for him, generally, though his interest in if he did his homework could be genuine goodwill…This could be eliminated if you wanted it to be very easily by Alex musing that his father “just didn’t want to come get me from detention again and waste gas.” Or such)?
In essence, some more fleshing out of character and setting would help the plot seem less heavy on events as it is right now. Lots of things happen, but we just get too little feel for their importance or value for all of them to be as powerful as they could be.
Setting: 4/15

There just isn’t enough. We know it’s in his room, we know it has a window, and we know there’s a vision-test poster on the wall somewhere. Those are the setting details I remember. This is a golden opportunity for expanding on Alex’s character and streamlining the plot. Are there childhood awards or anything anywhere in the room, or did Alex stuff those all away somewhere or throw them away when his girlfriend left him? Are there band posters on the wall of the Doom/Evil/Depression/etc. category, or perhaps old ones he hasn’t bothered to take down from before he became depressed? Are there patches in the wall from previous instances of him hitting against it and breaking through, or was this the first time he hit the wall? How big is it? Does Alex think of it as a cell keeping him in or a fort protecting him from the world until his friends/family get into it? Does Alex have any books on any specific topics on a bookcase? If he does, reflecting those interests in the analogies and expressions Alex makes could give readers a glimpse of what Alex was like before the depression/suicide. What does the bathroom look like to Alex while he waits for the tub to fill? What does HE look like when he sees himself in the mirror of the bathroom waiting for the tub to fill, what does he think of what he looks like, what does he think his girlfriend thinks of what he looks like?

The setting this takes place in could really help the Characters and plot of the story, and as it is there just isn’t enough there to contribute much.
Creativity: 4/15

Suicide stories are rather common. Some credit for having one where instead of being saddened by the death one is more relieved for the character (we get a sense that Alex is, indeed, in a better place or happier).
Style: 3/15

It’s a bit too stilted for me to put much credit here. The ‘this happens then this happens’ styling occurs far too often, and breaking it up with either character thoughts or setting description or both could really help this category I think.
Grammar and Spelling: 2/5

Spaces after periods or quotation marks or other punctuation. Perhaps you wrote this in an odd program or something that the NationStates forum didn’t like, but it always seemed to run together and that was just incredibly off-putting. Your spelling seemed to be good though, and I didn’t spot any of the obvious word mistakes that sometimes hiccup writing (They’re/their/there, etc.), but such things are always my weakness as well so I could have missed them.
Overall Score: 21/100

Nazi Flowery Powery

Characters: 18/25

Prince and Mary act as very good opposites, though their correspondence and interaction always feels a bit stilted. Perhaps it would’ve helped if we got more of their conversation during their ‘date’ besides the slavery business, as it seems most of the other business was narrated. It seems like it would help to see them hitting it off slightly more or at least finding a few more common sentiments.

Prince is well done as a sympathetic character, but I have a hard time picturing him as a soldier in the Confederate army. He is presented as too much of a dandy in the first portion to make picturing him as a frontline soldier predictable. Perhaps some context around it, such as him venturing out due to Sherman’s march to the sea or another similar reason, would make me more comfortable with it. Otherwise he seems like the type who would buy his way out or send a slave to serve in his stead. Even converting the narration of his exploits and service to conversation seems like it could make it more believable.

I’m a bit lost as to the narrator’s purpose or relation to anyone in the story. I suppose it serves as a third-person narrator without forcing you into one of their perspectives, but I suppose I’m confused why it’s a person and who that person is. It seems like his/her only role is to be the narrator, and it seems like there should be some relevance beyond mere narration for them.
Plot: 15/25

The thread holding the whole thing together is the ‘romance’ type thing going on between Mary and Prince. But it’s…a bit lackluster? Mary seems to be pulled along by Prince’s affections, while Prince is laboring under the ghost of his dead wife and pining after Mary. The ‘creepy’ aspect of that is about the whole draw to read more there is, as we are pretty well told that Mary won’t marry (heh, wordplay) Prince and that never gets pulled into any great deal of doubt.
Then, in the words of Futurama, war were declared…And we get an info-dump that doesn’t really contribute to the story in much of any way.
Setting: 10/15

I always knew where the story was taking place. The beginning with the carriage traveling down the street was done well in particular, but such details got less common in Mary’s home with her parents, and seemed absent almost entirely from the inside of Prince’s plantation manor (though we get some description of the poor state the exterior is in).
Creativity: 12/15

Must say, I haven’t read a lot of cross-‘country’ one-sided love stories based during the Civil War. It’s a neat concept at least, even if I would question some of the manner it’s pulled off in.
Style: 9/15

The first-person narration seems unnecessary and unneeded. Beyond that, it also seems to be inconsistent as we get the wartime information-dump in the middle of the story which is entirely from third-person and discusses both Mary and Prince in tandem. Mary, perhaps, being described in that instant makes sense as the narrator is a Northerner himself, but Prince’s actions being recounted just seems confusing with the limits a first-person narrator normally has.

Also, I’d question the usage of ‘pathetically decadent’ to describe Prince’s manor in the latter portion of the story. But that’s a bit of a word-choice nitpick.
Grammar and Spelling: 5/5

Nothing I saw wrong.
Overall Score: 69/100

Super-Llamaland

Characters: 8/25

We don’t get all that much of a feel for Todd beyond some description near the beginning and what his captors tell him whilst brain-washing him. That latter event would be more profound if we have more context behind it. If we have a demonstration or further knowledge of Todd NOT being rebellious or adventurous, it would make his interest in it become weird. As it is, I was merely slightly confused over him behaving differently than I was told he behaved in the beginning. Perhaps some interaction with his parents, since we get that later, could form a good contrast as a before-after analysis of his character.
In short, Todd especially at the beginning could benefit from that ancient adage ‘show don’t tell’. We’re told that he isn’t one to seek adventure. We’re told that he plays the trumpet (in a very brief mention for the relevance it plays later in the story). Etc.

The other characters are all just mediums, it seems. We get ‘nice kidnapper’ and ‘nice torturer’, but nothing all that deep.
Plot: 8/25

Todd gets kidnappedTodd gets brainwashedTodd is weird in alternate USA world. That seems to be the summary of the plot as we see it. We get vague references to something more (‘the revolution’, the Easternofascists, the death of the Vice-Presiden Elect, ‘Courier must die’). While it seems like this was meant to be a ‘mystery left unsaid’ there just wasn’t enough of the original mystery said to give us a feeling of what was actually going on. The references to a larger plot would work better if there were enough to puzzle out a plausible sequence of events. As it is, it’s difficult to figure how brainwashed Todd leads to the world Todd is in, or what role, if any, he played in it.
Setting: 5/15

We could use a LOT more detail here about every location Todd is in. His room could be skimped on a bit, but the torture room needs this. Even if he has a hood on, Todd needs to try and take note of what he could, as that seems like what any reasonable person would do.
Creativity: 6/15
It’s like the Manchurian Candidate for a younger audience.
Style: 6/15
What’s the deal with the counting? I mean, it counts the timeskips and such, but they aren’t really needed.
The kidnapping could also use some work just narrative-wise. We don’t get much of Todd’s reactions during it when those are some of the most important things (they’d also help in establishing character) and the whole event just seems hard to picture.
The torture/experiment phase was well-done in this category I believe, with some very good narration of Todd’s own ‘weird’ reactions to what is going on. With some, as I mentioned, more establishing of Todd’s character in the beginning it could be even more powerful.

Some might object to the event-skipping and such, but you actually pulled it off really well. I’ve seen stories where this just causes confusion, but you did a good job of establishing where, what, and when things were at the beginning of each new time-period.
Grammar and Spelling: 5/5
I saw nothing really wrong here.
Overall Score: 38/100

StellarGate

Characters: 10/25

Crystal is the only character worth mentioning (beyond ‘dumb guard/organizer’ and the mostly unheard-from parents) and she’s…serviceable. We don’t get much of a feel for her. There’s some narration by her, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough to firmly establish her to me. She speaks a good deal, but a lot of her words are just a bit too clichéd without any emphasis or background to cover it. She doesn’t get mad enough when mentioning things (or at least, we don’t get any information about this beyond the words usually or occasional physical effects of anger). She needs to have a lot more feeling, essentially, before and after her big speech at the end. She just seems too ‘stock’ as a character comes without any additional information about her, and events just fall into place too perfectly for her for us to get any feel for her personality through what she does (she just happens to have the aircar keys, she just convinces everyone she should lead, etc). If she were faced with some additional difficulties here, having to take the keys somehow or debate someone over the leadership role or SOMETHING we would get a much better picture about who she is and how she confronts problems. As it is she just seems like noble fugitive #3241, female, genetically-enhanced.

Perhaps some musing over her own worth would be called for here. It could become tiresome quickly, but if we got some sense of her own self-worth, and whether it arose out of accomplishments she’d made or constant assurances of her ‘worth’ as the society judges it, that could be helpful. Some musing by her on what makes a leader and why and such could also help to establish her as a character. As it is she’s just so forgettable.
Plot: 8/25

She talks her way past every challenge that faces her except the challenge of escaping from her room, which she conveniently established ‘off-screen’ when we weren’t reading.
…
So, where’s the conflict? I mean, such could serve as a story were it used as a vehicle for the aforementioned musing by Crystal on the nature of her own self-worth or something (I can easily imagine a monologue by her while driving on some topic or another that would add to the story and present an INTERNAL conflict at least to make up for the lack of external ones), but as it is there is very little conflict in the story to keep it interesting. Things happen, but they happen so quickly and pose so little challenge (she talked her way past the only real concern there was) that they aren’t all that relevant.

In much the same way, the latter part is very unnecessary as it is. One could get almost the same sense of hope if the story ended with them escaping the evil Earth government that established this system of worth-determination.

There’s also a significant issue with consistency. The story is trying to point out how flawed this system of child-valuation is, but the most valuable child (Crystal) ends up becoming the leader on her own assurance that she deserves it. A bit…hypocritical or at least confusing to say the least. The message seems like it would be better served if Crystal ended up becoming some much less important member of society in this new-world. As it is, there’s a bit of an irony in the children escaping the clutches of the evil society that judges children to be led by the child that was judged by that society to be the ‘best’.
Setting: 6/15

There just…isn’t much. We get the mention of an aircar and colony ship, but we never have all too much of a feeling of ‘where’ we are except towards the end where we have a brief description of the city. The city, if it’s to be included and work as a symbol, needs to be explained in detail. We need flowery prose about golden sunlight reflecting off of buildings built from the blood, sweat and tears of children forging a better world…Not the lackluster side-mention ‘Hope’ receives.
Creativity: 7/15

Reminds me of some other stories I’ve read, and a bit of a self-defeating or flawed take on the premise due to the aforementioned irony of leadership on the new world. The speech at the end was abso-positiviely straight outta Atlas Shrugged. Perhaps not in message or events, but it seemed a very obvious and overused ‘author speaking’ moment under the guise of an in-universe ‘speech to the galaxy’. Even then, however, we don’t get a lot of principles from Crystal just a call for others to come and shaking of the metaphorical finger at Earth.
Style: 10/15

I’ve got nothing really particular to say here. Your narration works, and everything holds together fine. Other aspects drag it down, is all.
Grammar and Spelling: 4.5/5

I noticed one or two points where there was a hiccup in grammar/writing where proofreading would’ve caught it:
…grabbed the air car key which I had stolen from my parents room for when I 18 and able to leave. …
Overall Score: 45.5/100

Respubliko de Libereco

Characters: 15/25
It feels like that stuck-up high-and-mighty ‘this character could be anyone’ nonsense was your bread and butter for this story.
Thankfully it works. We don’t get too much of a feel for the person’s personality, beyond that damned depressing ‘ho-hum guess the world is dead’ macabre crap he spends a dozen paragraphs yammering on about, but it’s not really a character-driven story so it’s hard to come down on it too hard.

Death being afraid of death is a delicious irony, and I don’t know if I was supposed to read the man/woman’s ‘how can you be dying?’ question as some kind of joke on that topic, but I did, and that made me like them much more over their doom-and-gloom descriptions of the previous paragraphs.
Plot: 12/25

Even you will admit there isn’t really a plot, right? I mean, the whole story is just a vehicle for the death-mortality/death-of-death byplay that occurs at the end. That said, things happen to establish that byplay and the byplay itself is the meat of the story, so…
Setting: 13/15

Nine paragraphs of doom-and-gloom postapocalyptic prose about a dead city and a man’s dead friends. NINE!

Yeah, I got the setting of ‘postapocalyptic cityscape wasteland’ down pretty good.
Creativity: 13/15

I’ll give credit where it is due. It isn’t a story in the traditional sense, and it conforms to a lot of the ‘modern’/’highbrow’/fancy/etc. Literature themes that always annoyed me when English professors talked about, but it is done well and while I’m sure there’s other things out there like it I’m sure it’s not all that common and the idea of a metaphorical study on death-mortality relations in a postapocalyptic world appeals to my inner purple-prose concept nerd.
Style: 13/15

Yes, it’s fancily described prose-heavy metaphorical modern English Literature storycrafting.

Not exactly an entertainment-heavy style, but thought-provoking when done right. And you did it right. Unsure what, if anything, to critique or judge here as sI just have so little experience with the style.
Grammar and Spelling: 4.5/5
I limp past the gaping entrances to dilapidated buildings, filled, not doubt, with corpses

That’s really the only weirdness I spotted.
Overall Score: 70.5/100

VOLMACHTIA

Characters: 12/25

It’s rather weird that the character I was most curious about was the antagonist side-character prison warden who, apparently, went nutso at the end of the world and maintained his hold on reality merely by sticking to the routine of life before whatever apocalyptic happening occurred. It’s a rather easily envisioned concept, and one that while done before seems like it could have made an interesting appearance here. The prison warden who stays sane and bars the outside world from affecting him by sticking to pre-apocalypse ‘normal’ in his life.

Blake, Garza and Geoff just don’t really seem to be all that well-defined. Blake is curious about the outside world. Garza is…honestly, I can’t put a finger on what Garza is beyond an initial person for Blake to convince to help him and Geoff is…rather undefineable as well. In fact, Garza and Geoff’s characters probably could’ve been combined without any serious impact on the storyline. Douglass hardly even bears mention, he was so utterly irrelevant to everything.
Plot: 12/25

I like the idea of a post-apocalypse prison-break against an apparently insane warden. While that happens in this story it seems very…rushed, I suppose would be the right word. Events just move too quickly. Things fall into place. Everything is very ‘this happened, then this happened’ narration wise, and it doesn’t settle into one spot long enough for a reader to develop a serious ‘feel’ for what is going on before more events happen.
Setting: 7/15

Prison, wasteland highway, ruined city. Those seem to be the settings we have and we don’t get too much elaboration on them beyond mention of a few items rusting. As I’ve mentioned with other people, how the character describes things (especially in first-person narration like this) can be essential in establishing their character. We don’t get very much of that. Some description of the cell could make it clear at the beginning that Blake was interested in escape by how he described the cell (referring to how he’d tried to find a way out or such). How he describes the warden or the warden’s office or any number of other things could give us a clue as to whether he was in prison for something serious or a more menial crime. Etcetera. As it is we just don’t get too much to go on in general except the basics of location.
Creativity: 7/15

It was a bit…predictable, I suppose would be the word? I don’t know why but the very first few paragraphs set me to thinking ‘post-apocalypse prison’ and that thought got proven right the whole way through. That said, the mysterious lack of hunger or sleep (or what happened to the prisoners to change them so much and wipe their memories) were novel mysteries that could have done well to be expanded on. Unfortunately we don’t seem to get any kind of answer there.
Style: 8/15

Events just seem to unfold too quickly at times. The whole interaction between the main character (Blake right?) and Garza, and later Geoff, especially when they mention how things are ‘weird’ just doesn’t flow. It doesn’t sound like natural speech or the way someone would talk about it. It’s too…straightforward, I guess? The narrator says its weird and the others just go with it on rather scant or hastily compiled evidence. They don’t take any convincing or they don’t really seem all that off-put with the weirdness except to mention it is weird and what’s the narrator going to do about it. It just doesn’t flow like natural reactions.

A similar criticism could be lodged a little later when the warden is being interrogated. He goes from defiant (“I’m gonna love watching you fry…”) to begging for his life in the space of two sentences of getting his head hit against a desk. It just doesn’t seem convincing. Events are unfolding too quickly, we need a bit longer and more build-up to these things to make them more believable.
Grammar and Spelling: 5/5
Overall Score: 51/100

WYMYSLENSKO

Characters: 5/25

We have the main character Heul Hartian, but few others are expanded on to any degree and even the main character is left rather barebones. He seems easily led or convinced of things, but I’ unsure of that since it’s based off of just one incident in the story.
Plot: 7/25

We have a sequence of events that occurs, but we don’t see much reason behind it. Heul Hartian also seems very quickly convinced of joining this revolution, and just as quick to abandon it when it means trouble for his family.
Setting: 4/15

There were places, I know, and portions took place in Heul’s home, but we don’t see much of any description of them. We also don’t get much context on the world itself. Is this supposed to be the modern world, or some other/alternate/parallel world?
Creativity: 7/15

I must say, deaf revolution is not the direction I thought the story was going, nor one I have seen other stories take.
Style: 5/15

I have a feeling English isn’t your first language. In which case I can compliment you on always getting your meaning across (there was perhaps one time I was unable to figure out what was meant by a sentence) but tense confusion and other such writing details sneak in to your work.

That said, there is definitely a bit of an appeal to the consistent and very direct ‘style’ that is in your writing. It is to the point and uncomplicated, and on a consistent basis as it is it does work to build the story.
Grammar and Spelling: 2/5

Have to knock you for a number of spelling and grammatical errors.
Overall Score: 30/100

Nerotysia

Characters: 20/25
Despite never hearing from one of the character’s, and the other being described very little in straightforward narration, I feel like I knew both characters very well. The allusion by the main character to the father’s mannerisms, cleaning the gun especially, were enough to almost instantly click-in exactly what the relationship and personalities of the two were. I suppose my only complaint would be that they were a bit predictable, as characters go, I mean father-son estrangement isn’t the most novel character relationship out there. Still you conveyed it very well without ever giving a concrete reason they were this way, which worked very well in the style of story you wrote.

I can’t decide whether to take off points or add them for the main character seeming to display a contradictory description of things through the story. He describes the room as cursed early on in the story, but we get the feeling he is in no way to leave the room and in fact partially enraptured by its ‘beauty’ of some kind, or his anger at the father, or something. If this was meant it was very well done and I’d just suggest making it a hair more obvious.
Plot: 20/25

The ending was…less than I’d hoped for. Ambiguous, yes, and that wouldn’t even bother me too much, but it seemed to go out on a rather cliché line. Perhaps a reference to the lightning/thunder outside could’ve been effective here and made the reader wonder if it was thunder or a gunshot that sounded, but the main-character-perspective ‘my heart chose for me’ is just…disappointing after the build-up.

You do a very good job of building up the main character’s attraction to the gun. It is referenced as a mere detail first, then looked at in detail, then touched, then studied more closely, then finally raised and maybe-used. Interspersed between with different musings about the man’s father, or the gun, or the environment. It’s well-done without being overdone, even if it is obvious from the first moment it is referenced it is going to be important to the story.
Setting: 13/15
I very much liked the beginning narration establishing where we are. Very effective. The constant allusion to the raindrops became a bit repetitive to me after the third or fourth usage, but that combined with your description of the light in the room (you reference the wood being black in the darkness) was very successful at conveying where we were.

Perhaps it was the rain, or the setting in a ‘study’, but for some reason this whole piece reminded me of ‘The Raven’ as well as ‘The Telltale heart’ in a very good way. Not overtly at all, but just the way it’s written and what details you bring up in the writing made the comparison almost instantaneous in my mind and I couldn’t shake it throughout the piece.
Creativity: 10/15

Knock you here a bit because it is a wildly abundant plotline and execution. Estranged father-son characters dealing with a suicide of one of them? There’s older stories I’m sure but I think they’re about prostitution. It doesn’t help that we have the flowery equivalent of ‘a dark and stormy night’ as the outside environment to lend atmosphere. One begins to wonder if ANY suicides occur in any other time or weather period. It would almost be refreshing itself to have the rain be nonexistent and the temporary light from lightning provided by the moon peeking out from behind clouds.
Style: 13/15

I really like your prose. It’s very short and not all-that flowery or overdescriptive (exception perhaps being the allusions to the rain which got a bit eye-rolling in their execution) and I like that a good deal. You also do a good job utilizing paragraph breaks…perhaps too good a job in fact. Personally I might have kept some of the allusions to the rain within paragraphs where the main character was noticing other things to make them a bit less central and seem more like observations of the character alongside his other discoveries, but that’s a personal preference so much as anything.
Grammar and Spelling: 5/5

I noticed nothing to complain about.
Overall Score: 81/100

Forsher

Characters: 10/25

I’m confused…We get a torrent of names at the beginning: Edwards, Samantha, Silk, Klae. All these get talked about at intervals, and some of them talk about each other, and the reader has no idea who the hell is doing what and why or how or WHO IN THE WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE? It doesn’t help we seem to start in Edward’s perspective, then jump to Samantha’s, then Silk’s, then back to Samantha’s…The characters are just confusing. I realize it’s a spy-thriller type thing, but they’re not even mysterious just confusing (I didn’t catch, for example that ‘Silk’ was, I believe, an alias for the man used for his silky voice).

I can’t really place any kind of character trait to Samantha or Silk or anyone else, really. Samantha seems to be anal compulsive over the plan, but we don’t get a feeling of whether that’s a personality trait or merely her desire to do the job right.
Plot: 12/25

Like the characters, kind of lost. It centers around the acquisition of a suitcase…and then stumbles into something I’m not sure really what but that I think involves betrayal. I think it’s suffering from too much compressed into too little. Some explanation of plot points or objectives would help immensely.
Setting: 7/15

I usually had an idea of surroundings (‘the warehouse’ near the beginning) but they weren’t utilized all that well for building atmosphere or character. The beginning warehouse meeting, for example, would be rife with atmosphere-setting for a spy thriller, but we’re left with ‘the warehouse’ as the description for the most part.
Creativity: 9/15

It’s a spy thriller type story. It’s been done.
Style: 7/15

It seems to suffer from a bit of a lack of overarching style. There’s narration and description, but it seems kind of…dull I guess. Lengthening descriptions and having a little more atmosphere-setting or character interaction would go a long way towards remedying this (and there are hints of it in the characterization of Silk and his voice in the beginning).
Grammar and Spelling: 3/5

I noticed a few points where there were both grammar issues and spelling errors.
‘musn't’ stood out to me, as it’s use shocked me out of the story and made me think for a moment. I wans’t sure if it was a word or not, and if it were it seemed decidedly out of place in a modern spy thriller rather than a Victorian novel. But I believe it was ‘mustn’t’ you meant to spell, in which case the former criticism disappears but the latter is just reinforced. Mustn’t seems a bit of an anachronistic word to use in an everyday sentence.
Overall Score: 48/100

[Nazi Flower Power]

Must say, I haven’t read a lot of cross-‘country’ one-sided love stories based during the Civil War. It’s a neat concept at least, even if I would question some of the manner it’s pulled off in.

That's kind of how I feel about it too. I did some experimenting and not all of it worked.

Anyway, thank you for judging on such short notice! YAY!!!

[Respubliko de Libereco]

Thanks, Occupied Deutschland!

[Forsher]

Forsher

Characters: 10/25

I’m confused…We get a torrent of names at the beginning: Edwards, Samantha, Silk, Klae. All these get talked about at intervals, and some of them talk about each other, and the reader has no idea who the hell is doing what and why or how or WHO IN THE WORLD ARE THESE PEOPLE? It doesn’t help we seem to start in Edward’s perspective, then jump to Samantha’s, then Silk’s, then back to Samantha’s…The characters are just confusing. I realize it’s a spy-thriller type thing, but they’re not even mysterious just confusing (I didn’t catch, for example that ‘Silk’ was, I believe, an alias for the man used for his silky voice).

I can’t really place any kind of character trait to Samantha or Silk or anyone else, really. Samantha seems to be anal compulsive over the plan, but we don’t get a feeling of whether that’s a personality trait or merely her desire to do the job right.
Plot: 12/25

Like the characters, kind of lost. It centers around the acquisition of a suitcase…and then stumbles into something I’m not sure really what but that I think involves betrayal. I think it’s suffering from too much compressed into too little. Some explanation of plot points or objectives would help immensely.
Setting: 7/15

I usually had an idea of surroundings (‘the warehouse’ near the beginning) but they weren’t utilized all that well for building atmosphere or character. The beginning warehouse meeting, for example, would be rife with atmosphere-setting for a spy thriller, but we’re left with ‘the warehouse’ as the description for the most part.
Creativity: 9/15

It’s a spy thriller type story. It’s been done.
Style: 7/15

It seems to suffer from a bit of a lack of overarching style. There’s narration and description, but it seems kind of…dull I guess. Lengthening descriptions and having a little more atmosphere-setting or character interaction would go a long way towards remedying this (and there are hints of it in the characterization of Silk and his voice in the beginning).
Grammar and Spelling: 3/5

I noticed a few points where there were both grammar issues and spelling errors.
‘musn't’ stood out to me, as it’s use shocked me out of the story and made me think for a moment. I wans’t sure if it was a word or not, and if it were it seemed decidedly out of place in a modern spy thriller rather than a Victorian novel. But I believe it was ‘mustn’t’ you meant to spell, in which case the former criticism disappears but the latter is just reinforced. Mustn’t seems a bit of an anachronistic word to use in an everyday sentence.
Overall Score: 48/100

I've been thinking about mustn't and it seems perfectly normal to me. That said, I did spell it (and a number of other words incorrectly/used the wrong one) throughout.

Anyway, thanks for the quick and incredibly fair critique after such a short time as a judge.

[Harkback Union]

Damn... I missed the deadline.
When is the next contest due?