[TITLE] An Age Old Problem
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in all of @@NAME@@. William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament and terrorized many a neighbourhood, is now in custody. However, most @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ were shocked to discover that he is an 84 year old pensioner, and media is rife with the best way to deal with 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "He's a common thief and shouldn't be afforded any special treatment just because of his age," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "The law is clear on how to deal with a repeat burglar, hand him the maximum sentence on the books. And at his age… allow me to throw away the keys!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "A little compassion shown to the elderly wouldn't hurt us," muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, a social worker, who despite being the victim of five burglaries @@HIM@@self, still believes in the good of humanity. "I do agree that some form of punishment needs to be given, but he's a frail old man now. Put an ankle monitor on him so he can't get up to his old tricks any more, and give him some community service."
[EFFECT] bingo nights get interrupted by the beeping of ankle monitors
[OPTION] "Grandpa is a good man! He raised me since I was a kid and always taught me right from wrong," states William @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@ III, Burglar Bill's grandson, as he discreetly pockets a valuable ornament from your shelf. "Look, he only swiped the staff from parliament for a dare, and as for all those other burglaries – he was robbing from the rich to give to his girlfr… I mean the poor. He's a right Robin Hood, he is. @@LEADER@@, you shouldn't allow prison sentences to be handed down to pensioners, let them live their final days in dignity with their family."
[EFFECT] retirement homes are under constant police surveillance
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in all of @@NAME@@. William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@, who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament and terrorized many a neighbourhood, is now in custody. However, most @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ were shocked to discover that he is an 84 year old pensioner, and media is rife with the best way to deal with 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "He's a common thief and shouldn't be afforded any special treatment just because of his age," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "The law is clear on how to deal with a repeat burglar, hand him the maximum sentence on the books. And at his age… allow me to throw away the keys!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "A little compassion shown to the elderly wouldn't hurt us," muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, a social worker, who despite being the victim of five burglaries @@HIM@@self, still believes in the good of humanity. "I do agree that some form of punishment needs to be given, but he's a frail old man now. Put an ankle monitor on him so he can't get up to his old tricks any more, and give him some community service."
[EFFECT] bingo nights get interrupted by the beeping of ankle monitors
[OPTION] "Grandpa is a good man! He raised me since I was a kid and always taught me right from wrong," states William @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@ III, Burglar Bill's grandson, as he discreetly pockets a valuable ornament from your shelf. "Look, he only swiped the staff from parliament for a dare, and as for all those other burglaries – he was robbing from the rich to give to his girlfr… I mean the poor. He's a right Robin Hood, he is. @@LEADER@@, you shouldn't allow prison sentences to be handed down to pensioners, let them live their final days in dignity with their family."
[EFFECT] retirement homes are under constant police surveillance
[TITLE] An Age Old Problem
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law has caught up with the most notorious burglar in all of @@NAME@@. After 40 years of investigative diligence, the police finally arrested William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. Although he has admitted to stealing the ceremonial staff from parliament and terrorizing many a neighbourhood, that was all over 30 years ago and he has been living a quiet, upstanding and crime free life ever since. At 84 years old, the media is rife with the best way to deal with 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "Grandpa is a good man! He raised me since I was a kid and always taught me right from wrong," states William @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@ III, Burglar Bill's grandson, as he discreetly pockets a valuable ornament from your shelf. "Look, he only swiped the staff from parliament for a dare, and as for all those other burglaries – he was robbing from the rich to give to his girlfr… I mean the poor. He's a right Robin Hood, he is. He hasn't committed any crime for 30 years now; been helping out in the community and is well respected by everyone. Let him live his final days in dignity with his family."
[EFFECT] retirement homes are under constant police surveillance
[OPTION] "I don't care how old he is, nor that he's turned over a new leaf," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "He's a common thief and shouldn't be afforded any special treatment just because of his age. It cost the state thousands of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to replace the ceremonial staff, and his other victims deserve some kind of restitution. The law is clear on how to deal with a repeat burglar, hand him the maximum sentence on the books. And at his age… allow me to throw away the keys!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "A little compassion shown to the elderly wouldn't hurt us," muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, a social worker, who despite being the victim of five burglaries @@HIM@@self, still believes in the good of humanity. "After all, everyone acknowledges that he hasn't done anything illegal for decades, however, I do agree that some form of punishment needs to be given. As he's a frail old man now, just put an ankle monitor on him, and give him some community service."
[EFFECT] bingo nights get interrupted by the beeping of ankle monitors
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law has caught up with the most notorious burglar in all of @@NAME@@. After 40 years of investigative diligence, the police finally arrested William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. Although he has admitted to stealing the ceremonial staff from parliament and terrorizing many a neighbourhood, that was all over 30 years ago and he has been living a quiet, upstanding and crime free life ever since. At 84 years old, the media is rife with the best way to deal with 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "Grandpa is a good man! He raised me since I was a kid and always taught me right from wrong," states William @@RANDOMLASTNAME(1)@@ III, Burglar Bill's grandson, as he discreetly pockets a valuable ornament from your shelf. "Look, he only swiped the staff from parliament for a dare, and as for all those other burglaries – he was robbing from the rich to give to his girlfr… I mean the poor. He's a right Robin Hood, he is. He hasn't committed any crime for 30 years now; been helping out in the community and is well respected by everyone. Let him live his final days in dignity with his family."
[EFFECT] retirement homes are under constant police surveillance
[OPTION] "I don't care how old he is, nor that he's turned over a new leaf," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "He's a common thief and shouldn't be afforded any special treatment just because of his age. It cost the state thousands of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to replace the ceremonial staff, and his other victims deserve some kind of restitution. The law is clear on how to deal with a repeat burglar, hand him the maximum sentence on the books. And at his age… allow me to throw away the keys!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "A little compassion shown to the elderly wouldn't hurt us," muses @@RANDOMNAME@@, a social worker, who despite being the victim of five burglaries @@HIM@@self, still believes in the good of humanity. "After all, everyone acknowledges that he hasn't done anything illegal for decades, however, I do agree that some form of punishment needs to be given. As he's a frail old man now, just put an ankle monitor on him, and give him some community service."
[EFFECT] bingo nights get interrupted by the beeping of ankle monitors
[TITLE] Running From Time
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law has finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in @@NAME@@. After 40 years of investigative diligence, the man who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament, has been named as William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. The only problem is that the statute of limitations prevents the state from trying 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "We absolutely must keep the statute of limitations," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a civil rights lawyer, who recently managed to get 'Psycho Pete' released on compassionate grounds. "After so many years, evidence deteriorates and is no longer viable. Also, as is the case here, the suspect is now a frail, old man who has committed no crime in decades. The police were clearly incompetent in their inability to locate William before the statute expired. A better trained police force will prevent this from happening again."
[EFFECT] criminals lock themselves in their mums' basements to avoid prison
[OPTION] "Whose bright idea was it to introduce limitations?" demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "This man is a common thief and shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he did. It cost the state thousands of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to replace the ceremonial staff, not to mention the national embarrassment it caused us. Just because he managed to avoid detection for four decades, doesn't mean he shouldn't pay for his crime. Abolish the statute of limitations, and put this criminal where he belongs – in jail!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "Burglar Bill is awesome!" announces your younger brother, as he adds the latest addition to his 'Burglar Bill scrapbook', which he has had since he was a kid. "The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for 40 years - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill the Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job."
[EFFECT] the only crimes that get investigated are doughnut heists
[DESCRIPTION] The long arm of the law has finally caught up with the most notorious burglar in @@NAME@@. After 40 years of investigative diligence, the man who stole the ceremonial staff from parliament, has been named as William @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@. The only problem is that the statute of limitations prevents the state from trying 'Burglar Bill'.
[VALIDITY] must allow elderly, have courts
[OPTION] "We absolutely must keep the statute of limitations," declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a civil rights lawyer, who recently managed to get 'Psycho Pete' released on compassionate grounds. "After so many years, evidence deteriorates and is no longer viable. Also, as is the case here, the suspect is now a frail, old man who has committed no crime in decades. The police were clearly incompetent in their inability to locate William before the statute expired. A better trained police force will prevent this from happening again."
[EFFECT] criminals lock themselves in their mums' basements to avoid prison
[OPTION] "Whose bright idea was it to introduce limitations?" demands @@RANDOMNAME@@, Head Warden at @@ANIMAL@@ Prison, as @@HE@@ runs @@HIS@@ truncheon along the radiator in your office. "This man is a common thief and shouldn't be allowed to get away with what he did. It cost the state thousands of @@CURRENCYPLURAL@@ to replace the ceremonial staff, not to mention the national embarrassment it caused us. Just because he managed to avoid detection for four decades, doesn't mean he shouldn't pay for his crime. Abolish the statute of limitations, and put this criminal where he belongs – in jail!"
[EFFECT] jail house rock has been replaced with jail house golden oldies
[OPTION] "Burglar Bill is awesome!" announces your younger brother, as he adds the latest addition to his 'Burglar Bill scrapbook', which he has had since he was a kid. "The daring break-in into parliament, avoiding the cops for 40 years - this man knows his stuff! You should make Burglar Bill the Chief of Police; his inside knowledge of the criminal underworld makes him the perfect fit for the job."
[EFFECT] the only crimes that get investigated are doughnut heists
