Galactic Empire HoloNet News [FT | IC Closed]

[Thrashia]

"And welcome back ladies and gentle-beings to the program, where the news of the galaxy comes to you! I am your host, Tod Tucker, the head news-anchor for the Bastion-based headquarters of HoloNet News One! In tonight's news we'll be discussing the recent charitable campaign by the Kaut family in the Tarentum System where the terrible meteor shower destroyed orbiting docking facilities and killed several thousand innocents; how terrible.

"We'll also be taking an insiders look into the new training grounds of the Imperial Academy on Byzant where the newest class of future Imperial Naval officers is soon to be graduating. I'm told that the cafeteria food is so bad, most graduate years in advance just to get away from the food!

"In related stories we'll also be interviewing the survivors of a dreadful pirate attack in the Capulus System. We'll have more on that story from our own Katie Neuric. And now a word from our sponsors, after which we'll get to sports with Donny Chang!"

Join The Galactic Empire Today!



GALACTIC SPORTS


"Hi there folks and welcome back to HoloNet News One! I'm Donny Chang with Galactic Sports! An exciting last few days for the fans of Bolo-Ball. The interim champions, the Jack Hammers of Sedric System, faced a startling hard defense from the Akkadian Storm Runners, and only just managed to score the winning point in the last minute of the match. In competitive pod-racing we saw the Carthago Cup Race won by the daredevil antics of..."


GALACTIC CRIMINAL NEWS

"Hello and welcome to the HoloNet News One "Galactic Criminals" segment of our show. I'm Timothy Zander, investigative reporter for HoloNet News, your most trusted source for Galactic News!

"In tonight's show we have with us a merchant family, the Devons, who managed to barely escape from the clutches of the terrifying Lightning Skulls pirate gang that has been flooding the Capulus System recently within the territory of the Ta'Nar Empire, a strong Lord and member of the Galactic Empire Alliance. Now, Mr. Devons, you and your wife barely escaped from this horrible act of crime...."


Have a story? Contact your local Galactic Empire HoloNet News provider and submit your news story today! Don't miss out on being a part of the largest and most trusted provider of galactic news!

[O Boyce]

Pokosian Commonwealth News

The Tar today departed from Tranquietel space port on his way to the first gathering of the Imperial House of Barons on the planet of Persephone. After a brief stop over at the Uluth system to pick of more members of the party the transport will make a non stop trip to the planet in question. His entourage is rumored to be Ambassador Eruresto and his mate Laivine, and the Uluthain ambassador to the Pokosian people Clarke. Not much is known to what will be discussed in the House of Barons but we here back home await for news.

Meanwhile, back home in the Trelani system, archeological digs in the ruined parts of the Lucksee Stead on Plaktea have revealed interesting finds about the area before the Civil War that as many of you know raged across the Commonwealth. The leader of the digs and her sponsor from the University of Uttumo have yet to say what they found, but they promise that the information gathered will shatter all preconceived notions on what Pokosians knew, or at least those that lived in this city knew so long ago.

In other news, a report from the Flock of Exploration head stated that although the primary mission of the Flock is still a priority, the Flock of Exploration has made great strides in meeting with other spacefaring races. Most notably by former Captain Lucksee, now Ambassador to the Kitsune Empire of Xiscapia.

And finally for tonight, the Danneversian war still rages. Initial reports state that the Pokosian Expiditionary Force has reached the planet of Glacies and is helping the Xiscapian defenders. In a related matter, thousands of Pokosians are rushing to the recruiting offices to sign up for military service. The Tar has yet to pass a law allowing Uluthinans to join up with the Pokosian military. Passionate speeches made by the governor of Kamur stated;

“Uluthians across the Pokosian barony are urging not only their local government but also of the Pokosian leaders to let us fight along side our Pokosian brethren..” Stated the Governor last Wednesday in a press conference with the Uluth system leadership.

The Tar’s response before he left for the Imperial Barons Council replied;

“The Pokosians who are fighting with the PEF are all volunteers and as such they are fully understanding that at this point they have only themselves to rely on until further discussion and debate is settled. Uluthians are not only members of the barony of the Commonwealth but also members of the Galactic Empire, and to let Uluthians fight in a war that has not been recognized within the government of the Empire it would be wrong to assume that Uluthians could fight. A question that I will see to be answered at the Barons Council”

Although many do see it as an affront to the Empire that the Commonwealth be part of a war not recognized by the Empire, as statistics show, over seventy percent of the populace agree that to support the Xiscapains would be honorable to promises made in deals during the Xeno Accords months ago. No statement has yet come in from the Xiscapain ambassador to Pokos.

[New Dornalia]

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

"In business news, today, one of Earth's Big Three Megacorporations, HT Industries, signified its true return to superpower status by arranging a multimillion USD deal with the legendary Al-Jaziri Concern. The latter, a multimillion USD enterprise known for both real estate savvy and lavish partying by its scion, Yusuf Al-Jaziri, has until now remained neutral in the many intrigues and cutthroat competitions which have characterized relations among the Big Three Megacorporations. Now, things have changed for the first time.

In a press release, CEO Nadine Huntleigh, responsible for HT Industries' turnaround since its infamous blunders on Caprica City ages ago, stated the following."

*cuts to footage of NadineHuntleigh, dressed in a blazer with a long, knee length skirt. She has blond hair, reddish eyes, and a tall, graceful stature--something she has picked up over the years. She speaks in an unusual accent--one mixing Southern US, Canadian, Californian and Uppercrust-In-General voices into a slick, pleasing tone, elegant yet firm.*

'I am indeed proud to announce HT Industries is collaborating with our new partners in the Al-Jaziri Concern, not only in the fields of energy production, but also with our new real estate brand, Confederated Properties. Mr. Al-Jaziri and I intend to bring to Colonials a new force on the real estate market, one with unmatched assets and know-how to ensure that consumers, both small families and large industrial concerns, can find a space to call home. And now, Mr. Al-Jaziri.'

*ushers in Yusuf. He's wearing Gold-Plated Spartan Armor, with no helmet."

"What is up, motherfuckers!? This Arabic bad boy is going mobb deep, yo, with this new project here, with mah nigga here, Nadine Huntleigh! WHOO! Check it!"

*unveils image of a concept drawing of a sprawling new development.*

"This here, my niggas, is the Imperial Towers. One of the finest, most ballin' luxury apartment and shopping complexes which will ever be fuckin' built! EVER! It's gonna have saber toothed dodos and shit, bitches and hos and all that good stuff! Ain't no one gonna top this motherfucka here, and mah nigga!"

*Nadine giggles a little bit.*'

"Well, I won't promise saber toothed dodos--"

*Yusuf cuts her off*

"Chill, baby. You and me, nigga, we're going to make this the biggest fucking building in this fuckin' town! And you know what, my homie--what we can dream, we can build!"

*Looking at the camera, Yusuf points and goes*

"After all, I am Yusuf Al-Jaziri--pimp, ballin' gazilionaire, Arabic bad boy, superstar, and Gift To Women Everywhere! ARAB MONEY BITCHES--YOU NIGGAZ BETTER RECOGNIZE! AWHOOWAHEEWAHEEE!"

*cuts back to Jock Stabler*

"Did he just call her a 'nigga?'"

EARTH SPORTS

"And in other news, the Los Angeles Titans held their own against the C-Buccs. Despite a win for the Buccaneers 8-5, it was obvious that LA's finest had a strong defense which enabled the Buccs to win only by the narrowest of margins. This was a shock to Vegas oddsmakers, as Earth teams for pyramid are generally never matched favorably to Colonial ones. Team Manager Nadine Huntleigh declared simply, 'Though technically a loss, it shows Earth teams are no slouches as they were in the past. No bush league we are, anymore.'

Also, in other news, Argentina's dominant National Team crushed the Caprican team at this years Colonial Cup soccer tourney, winning by a 7-0 Margin. The victory is lain at the feet of Rodolfo Kurosaki, the child of Coredian refugees who became the darling of Argentine soccer, as well as solid coaching by Miguel Tennenbaum, cousin to the famous scientist."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

In other news, members of the People's Acolytes Vanguard service from the Temple of Ft. Casimir Pulaski staged a rare collaboration with National Office of Security Enforcement SWAT teams today, making a multimillion USD bust on a Plasmid manufacturing business tied to the Russian Mafia.

"At 1730 Hours yesterday, Agents from the National Office of Security Enforcement collaborated with agents from the Temple of Ft. Casimir Pulaski's Vanguard Teams to raid a freighter known as the Susanna Lee. Said freighter was home to a mobile Plasmid lab which had been, judging from the evidence, transferred across multiple vessels and traveled to multiple colonies, mostly within Earth SSR. One National Office of Security Enforcement officer was injured in the raid, due to a gunshot delivered at close range by the suspects. 62 Suspects were arrested, and the rest were unfortunately injured or killed as they resisted arrest," the official Press Statement from the Earth Galactic West's Deputy Commissioner's Office said.

"This is a great day for all the Colonies," National Director Elliot C. Riggs declared. "The National Office of Security Enforcement has proven that it is an effective police force in taking down and stopping all manner of high-risk criminals, including those who would forcefully introduce means into our society of mutating our children and loved ones. Let all those who peddle Mutating Substances beware. We will find you, and we will take you to justice."

Criticism of NOOSE's methods, however, has arisen already from the incident--several anonymous Vanguard officers have reported NOOSE agents acted aggressively when conducting their section of the arrest, even going so far as shoot suspects under the pretense that they were resisting. No comment was made on the charges.

[New Dornalia]

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

"Agents from the National Office of Security Enforcement today are under fire after an incident in Philadelphia, Earth SSR. In an incident which shocked the city of Philadelphia, NOOSE agents apparently were responsible for the destruction of no less than six city blocks. We take you live to the scene with our reporter, Tricia Nomura."

*cuts to a smoldering city block*

"Thank you, Jock. It all started with a simple disturbance call by the neighbors, here on Buekeley Street. National Office of Security Enforcement Agents responded to a call here, in this neighborhood, concerning excess noise and the smell of strange substances made by a local college leftist association, the Citizens Raging Against Powermongers. CRAP had been traditionally problematic, but this night would be different."

*cuts to NOOSE Agent Tommy Bruckheiser*

"We had acted on information from information from the Philadelphia Police Department and the Marshals Investigation Service that several CRAP members had been spotted acting strangely....the noise and smell complaint was what we needed to actually come in and investigate things. We formed a task force with Philadelphia PD and MIIS to do this."

*cuts back to Tricia*

"It was upon arriving that NOOSE Armed Agents escorting one Philadelphia PD Detective Dicamillo and MIIS Special Agent Thompson were fired upon by a member of CRAP with what appeared to be a 9mm pistol. NOOSE Agents and the other LEO officers quickly assumed positions, and called in reinforcements from NOOSE SWAT. Hearing more shots, NOOSE Agents and SWAT Officers deployed Supernatural Inhibitors and began firing upon the CRAP members' residence with what was estimated by later forensic evidence to be well over 30,000 rounds of ammunition, and 15,000 energy shots, as well as six teargas grenades. Witnesses indicated that the shots were fired within the span of fifteen minutes, and proceeded to nearly destroy the front of the house.

But it didn't stop there."

*cuts to a witness*

"Those NOOSE guys didn't stop shootin'. They said they heard more shots, and some of those Feds said they felt they were being shot at. I didn't see nothin', but they decided to get nasty."

*cuts to Tricia*

"Getting nasty involved nothing less than the deployment of NOOSE Adjudicator shuttlecraft--six to be exact, one of which proceeded to drop detpacks to try and blow open holes in the roof, the other five firing miniguns and rocket packs into the dwelling as the detpack went off, the building not budging, although ti began to catch fire.

Finally, at 2am, NOOSE Agents did the unthinkable--they summoned a MAC Strike upon the building, upon hearing no answer from the CRAP members inside after issuing what was dubbed "one last appeal to surrender."

Citing 'continued resistance' in a transmission to a local Colonial Fleet liasion, they immediately commandeered the guns of the UCS Miami, and fired one precision low yield MAC Strike at the structure.

*cuts to Miami officer*

"Yeah, we had this guy going, 'Attention Navy--we are the cops. Er, I mean NOOSE. We are deputizing your ship to stop continued terrorist resistance and possible narcotics trafficking. Somehow, we went along with it."

*cuts to Tricia*

"The resulting shot demolished the building, caused a massive shockwave which registered 3.5 on the Richter Scale, and set several city blocks on fire due to flying debris. 27 people, including Philadelphia PD Officers, the Marshals Special Agent and one of the Adjudicator shuttles, plus several NOOSE SWAT Officers, were killed in the blast, and countless more are injured.

Upon investigating the ruins, one ounce of marijuana without the appropriate tax stamps was found in a safe which had amazingly survived the blast, along with a bowl which had not been used and the remnants of a USD$5000 stereo system which had last been playing NWA's 'Fuck the Police,' before it was paused at time 3:29, whereupon the sound of gunshots is heard in said song.

The surviving NOOSE officers refused to comment on the incident, which is currently the subject of a massive civil action and possible criminal charges. Director Riggs, meanwhile, had this to say:

"This incident, while regrettable, shows the system works. Narcotics smuggling and the inherent theft it commits is one of the biggest threats to our society today, and I for one am glad these hoodlums are no longer around to threaten our children."

From Philadelphia, I'm Tricia Nomura--back to you, Jock."

OOC: Inspired by an actual incident in 1985 Philadelphia, here: http://edition.cnn.com/US/9604/02/move_court/

[Orinon]

OOC: Tag

[Dead Snow]

tagalag

[Thrashia]

"Hello and welcome back to the most trusted name in news! I'm your host, Tod Tucker, here at HoloNet News One studio on Bastion. In tonight's news we are going straight to the source with field journo Maja Dovrike who is currently on the world of Persephonie covering the first meeting of the Assembly of Imperial Barons! For those of you who are not familiar with that term, it is the group of leading figures within the Galactic Empire who are an integral part of the alliance and who help to keep us all safe in our beds at night....oh! And here we are with Maja -- Maja can you hear me?"

*hologram, a bit fuzzy, appears of a young, voluptuous Twi-lek female*

"Coming in loud and clear Tod," replied Maja.

*over her shoulder can be seen the grandiose marble facade of the Hall of Barons on Persephonie*

"How are things looking at the meeting so far Maja? Did the delegates and representatives already arrive?" asked Tod

"That's right Tod. The meeting itself only started about half an hour ago, though the various delegations had been arriving previously for the last hour. I must say it was an impressive array of species and members of the Galactic Empire Alliance," responded Maja.

*camera man cuts the shots to previously shot footage of several Pokosians entering the building, followed by members of the Holy Empire of Osanyia*

"That's really inspiring to see Maja," said Tod. "So many varied species and cultures united by the strong and faithful Galactic Empire Alliance."

"It is indeed, Tod. I've not been allowed access to the hall itself, but I was assured by an aid to Chancellor Valorum that HoloNet News would have time to conduct interviews later after the meeting is complete."

"Would that be Marcus Valorum, the heir to the famous political family?" asked Tod.

"Correct. Marcus Valorum has been in the political scene on a very low-key level up until now, which is unique considering his family's background. However it is believed that Grand Admiral Thrawn himself selected Marcus Valorum to chair the assembly as it's first, historic Chancellor. It's quite an honor for him, I'm sure."

"I know I would! But we're going to a short commercial break and then we'll be back with Maja and Galactic Sports after these short messages! See you soon Maja."

*camera cuts off the image of Maja and the HoloNet News studio to be replaced by an add for blue milk*

[New Dornalia]

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH NEWS

"LAFD, LAPD, and Colonial Marshals are investigating an arson attack upon the construction site of the Imperial Towers. The attack occurred at 4am Pacific Time, and was carried out, according to a surviving night watchman, by members of the Avengers Motorcycle Club's Los Angeles Chapter. Although the reason for the attack is unknown at this time, it is believed that the violence was carried out as part of an overall factional dispute between the Avengers and other gangs in LA's underworld, but also within the LA Chapter itself, believed to be undergoing a leadership struggle, although little evidence of yet supports the theory.

Confederated Properties's Spokesperson, Yusuf Amir, simply had this to say:

*Shows up in gold plated Spartan Armor with Gold Plated Uzi. Nadine Huntleigh is next to him.*

"Those assless-chap-wearing-motherfuckers didn't have the balls to do this on their own! I mean, not fucking cool! Coooome on! I dare these Avengers motherfuckers to come and fuck with my niggas again. They're gonna see that fucking with my niggas means you fuck with one Angry Arab!

Oh look, here they comes again! *waves Uzi around, imitates sound of gunfire, with a click boom sound.* Bye bye, Nigga!

*Nadine pokes Yusuf, whispers something.*

Ahem, I mean, we are going to work with all available resources to bring these people to justice. *snickers*

*Points at Screen*

Besides, we gots the Arab Money! For reals! And we's gonna rebuild this bitch, and we're gonna get this thing! Because, being the awesome Arabic bad boy and superstar I am, ain't no way some punk-ass little bikers gonna stop me! CHECK IT! ARAB MONEY, BITCHES!

AWWWHHHOOOWAHEEEE!!!

*even Nadine Huntleigh, trying to be serious, can't help but snicker a little.*"

*cuts back to Jock*

"Dangit, I know I did not just hear him--anyway, in other news, NOOSE Agents are being sued by the Hajarran Labourer's Association after an attempt to stop six Dornalian-Colonial men of Hajarran descent from operating a Plasmid lab in Luxembourgia resulted in the destruction of a large portion of Hammertongs's Hajarran Neighborhood, Hab 26.

The events occurred after an attempt to arrest the men by Marshals IIS, resulting in the calling in of NOOSE, a gun fight which involved populated areas, and the subsequent deployment of Adjudicator Gunships and six MAC strikes from the UCS Montego Bay.

When confronted with the evidence of his acts, the Captain of the NOOSE SWAT team replied:

"What, you think I just order MAC Strikes to get at six heavily armed men in a built up hive city habitually like it was something to do?

(beat)

Yeah, I ordered those MAC Strikes to get at six heavily armed men in a built up hive city."

The death toll is 15, with dozens more injured, apparently saved only by the rugged, redundant construction of the Hab, and costs are estimated to be in the millions of cubits. A lawsuit is on the way.

Director Riggs simply stated, "Plasmid and mutating substances peddlers beware. This is what happens when you peddle such substances in our communities. NOOSE is watching, and we will strike."

[Balrogga]

*subscribing to the news feed*

[New Dornalia]

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

"Controversial pop star Suzie Wong Kasabian today has once more denied rumors that she attempted to send thugs to tamper with the property of one Roger Victor Shabunin, a small time reposessor based out of Long Beach, CA, several weeks ago. Known for such hits as 'Grind That Meat' and 'Just Do It Already,' the pop star had been in debt for some time before Shabunin, according to a report obtained from Interbank, was sent to perform a reposession of two undisclosed items of property. What happened next was the stuff of cheap action movies."

*cuts to Roger Shabunin. He is a youngish individual, looks too pretty to be a repo man. Dressed in a suit and tie for the interview, he has blue hair, somewhat bluish skin tanned by the California sun, and a stern look on his face. He speaks in a Canadian accent which betrays Ukranian-Canadian origins, from Alberta.*

"Look, I already told you motherfuckers the story. I told the fucking LAPD this story. Some Irish guys tried to come in, tried to break into my office. I pulled out my AK and went to confront them, and shot them down. Took out several waves of the assholes, and then chased the last one down before beating him down with my savate skills. Can I go home now?"

*cuts back to the studio*

The denial comes in the wave of fresh accusations of perjury against the pop star, delivered by one Joe McManus, who accused Kasabian of "lying like a cheating bitch to the court to cover up the fact she hired me and a buncha fucking Spocks to rob some Canuck."

In unrelated news, sales of Aeralon Sound star Minnie May Svensgaard's new album, "Some Girls Just Like It On The Range," broke platinum levels today, particularly with the hit single "Honor Before Reason," the theme to the hit movie, 'What A Man's Gotta Do.'" The country music star would only say, "That's a good'un."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

In other news, Colonial Marshals agents siezed a bounty of untaxed chamalla today in the port of San Pedro. The bounty, tipped off by an anonymous tipster, was worth approximately six million cubits, believed to have been smuggled in from sources in Caprica to be sold to dealers on the North American West Coast, Mars and other areas in Earth SSR. Police indicate this is one of the biggest busts of untaxed chamalla in years, since the imposition of Section 922(r) by Earth's Governor Kotobuki some time ago, which places some of the strictest taxes and regulations on commonly available recreational pharmaceuticals in the United Colonies.

In an interesting turn of events, NOOSE Agents were specifically asked not to be involved.

In other news, more deaths in the ongoing factional dispute involving the Avengers MC. Several gruesome murders were discovered by the LAPD today, with bodies floating in the LA River headless, and with vital organs surgically removed and with evidence of partial consumption. The Avengers Task Force, a group of officers investigating the ongoing war made up of Marshals, LAPD and PA Vanguard, refused to comment on the bodies, with PA Regular Officer Henrietta Collins merely saying, "We do believe these bodies were related to the ongoing dispute between factions of the Avengers MC--but aside from that, we cannot say much more to the press. Thank you."

Finally, Cooperative Union police on Hajarra have reportedly engaged terrorists belonging to the infamous Edwina Sherdvanadze. The shootout began in orbit when cutters belonging to the ICBA and the CU Constabulary Space Auxiliary encounted the Remembrance, the infamous pirate vessel belonging to the terrorist. An exchange of ship to ship fire, and the Remembrance disappeared. This is the first time the Remembrance has appeared in Colonial space since the infamous Freedom Hospital attack three years ago.

And now, for our commercial break."

OOC: Creds and apologies to Rockstar Games for Brucie Kibbutz, whom he's based on hugely....kudos for a very genetically different character. Same with Yusuf.

*cuts to a commercial with a man riding in a Raptor. He's almost shaved bald, save for a little bit of hair on his head like a crew cut. He's in a good suit, with two very scantly Japanese women on his side longingly gazing at him and one another. He's also enjoying a cocktail.*

"Hi. I'm Bruce Steiner. I am a winner. Why?"

*Bruce gets up, and rips off his jacket and shirt as the women watch, fawning over him. He flexes his muscles and shows off a big grin. He then dropkicks the Raptor pilot and takes command himself.*

"Because, when I was a scrawny little kid from Fucktown, Southeastern Connecticut, I figured out that the secret to success was to stop touching yourself and start being a winner. Start remasculating yourself. Start living large. Start. Being. Genetically. Different. KYYYAAAH!"

*dives the Raptor into overdrive, slams into a lab with a bunch of scientists. He gets out with the women, who then begin to touch one another.*

"And how does one remasculate themselves? Simple. Embrace the awesome. Because, here, at Brucie's Remasculating Pharma Company, we have only the Finest In Supplements, designed to turn you from fucking prison bitch zero into all conquering hero who's bedding barely legal bisexual college girls every night! BOOYAH!"

*Drinks a vial of a substance and repeatedly punches and kicks a punching bag and then drop kicks someone who's throwing Force Lightning, before French kissing one of the Japanese women he was with earlier.*

"See that, motherfuckers? That was me on Pure Yasalmiri Testosterone. Imported straight from Nova Louisiana and other parts of the SWG, it's enough to make you feel really...male. Male, and capable of shrugging off any attempt by motherfuckers to fry you with magic power and shit like in your little brother's cartoons. No fucking way. Why? You're a winner--and you don't have time for that bullshit! FUCK NO! Because there is nothing better than being original, fucking indestructible, and powerful--you're different, baby, you have player style! WHOO!"

*walks out of the lab and rips a Kryat Dragon's leg off, before taking a bite out of it, throwing it up in the air, and punching it like he did with the punching bag, to the tune of hyperagitated karate yells.*

"BOOYAH! AND IF YA ORDER NOW, I WILL THROW IN NOT ONE, BUT TWO SAMPLE PACKS OF MY KRYAT DRAGON JERKY FREE! LEAN MEAT, PERFECT FOR THOSE INTENSE CARDIO SESSIONS!"

*rips open a bag of Kryat Dragon Jerky and eats it whole--bag and all*

"OH YEAH!! I'M READY FOR FUCKIN' ANYTHING! AND YOU CAN BE TOO! CALL OR GO ONLINE TO OUR HOLONET OR HOLOBAND COMPATIBLE WEBSTORE TO ORDER MORE AWESOME PRODUCTS!"

*Zooms in on Brucie*

"BE. GENETICALLY! DIFFERENT!!!!"

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler drinking from a flask, before stashing it and smiling at the camera*

"Shit. I mean, that was just fruit juice, kids. Ahem."

*cleans himself up*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH BREAKING NEWS

"Police in the Los Angeles area are looking for two costumed individuals who duked it out in Pershing Square yesterday. The incident occurred at ten in the morning when an unusually dressed woman in what appeared to be a black s-and-m getup stood in Pershing and began speaking. We have footage to show you--we warn you, it is very disturbing."

*cuts to prerecorded footage. A woman in a black skintight outfit stands, with a crazy looking hat with bat ears on it. It's a definite throwback to 70s supervillains. Next to her is an HK-47 looking unit, with a pimp hat.*

"Citizens of this pitiful planet! Hear me! You are all doomed! You are all--"

*random citizen chucks hot dog at her*

"Suck on that!"

*Crazy woman recoils*

"OW! HEY!"

*The HK unit fires a laser gun at the heckler, and the heckler screams a Wilhelm Scream. The crazy woman goes on, shouting and ranting.*

"Thank you, B.O.B. Now, then, citizens of this decadent, rotten city, you will all pay for your crimes...for it is time to submit to the punishing power of the potently powerful......"

*the woman whips her cape around and strikes a dramatic pose*

".....CYBER MISTRESS!"

*The crowd stops. They look perplexed. Some even begin to chuckle.*

"Hey, kid. Halloween is in OCTOBER!"

*The woman, annoyed, pulls out a pair of riding crops and whips them in the air, firing lightning bolts out and shocking some pedestrians, including the hecklet. Now the crowd is frightened. Some pull out pistols and SMGs to shoot back, but she then exchanges the riding crops for a whip coursing with energy. She then leaps into the air and begins mercilessly whipping people's guns out of their hands, absorbing damage which merely damages the clothing on her suit in rather kinky fashions.*

*Cuts back to Jock*

"Right. Uh, this just in, we are at the scene. Tricia?"

*cuts to Tricia at Pershing*

"Hi, Jock, this is Tricia Nomura. The scene here is one of chaos. LAPD SWAT-TRU has cordoned Pershing Square off, and NOOSE has been called in as well. Already, people are rushing into bomb shelters, anticipating the incoming MAC Strike that is surely to come. As you can see...."

*NOOSE Adjudicator crashes next to Tricia*

"...the situation is not good."

*Another crash in the distance. This time, another woman dressed in an irregular Red Army outfit--not seen since the pre-Unification era--comes up. (OOC: She resembles the woman on the right.) Tricia and the camera crew run up to the scene, where the woman confronts the Cyber Mistress. The sight of the new woman causes the LAPD SWAT-TRU to back off, while the NOOSE Agents continue to aim at them both, chattering on their comms. The woman turns to all of them, ending with the Cyber Mistress.*

"A public service announcement from Comrade Zero. Let's stop abusing free speech. Especially, you NOOSE Guys. Seriously, fucking Hangmen--you can't just MAC Strike this place, because we have people walking here. And you...Cyber Mistress...put on some damn clothes."

*Enraged, the Cyber Mistress begins trying to whip Comrade Zero, whose arm morphs into an armored riot shield. A fight breaks out, mixing kung fu with Comrade Zero imitating Mr. Fantastic and Cyber Mistress firing using her machinegun arms. All the while, the NOOSE Agents are training rockets and machineguns on them both. Tricia is astounded."

"Uh, this just in, we have a duel in progress between two costumed superpeople, with NOOSE trying to kill them all. Admiral De Bruyn himself has issued a statement forbidding all military officers from aiding NOOSE Agents, citing a 'risk to populated areas.' We'll keep you posted."

*cuts to studio*

"Oookay. Now, onto other news."

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

"In other news, President Robert Ellison MacIntyre was apparently spotted with a new date--Nadine Huntleigh, CEO of HT Industries. The two were spotted leaving Yusuf' Al-Jaziri's personal, 900ft gold plated space capable yacht the....*sigh*....Pussy Wagon. Anyway, it is not known how close they are, only that according to anonymous sources, the two began dating after meeting at another one of Yusuf's parties on Caprica."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

"In criminal news, police are investigating what happened to prominent Hajarran Westside Yaguiza boss Franklin Tsaraevich. Tsaraevich, owner of a local gymnasium and known to have ties to organized crime, was found dead along with sixteen other Yaguiza criminals and several Avengers MC members at the Port of San Pedro. LAPD and the Avengers Task Force refuse to release any details, but sources indicate the shootout at the Port, which involved shipments of Kalashnkovs handled by the Yaguiza smuggled onto the market in violation of the Anti-Smuggling Act, was likely part of the overall Avengers leadership struggle.

An interesting twist to this case is that several individuals were seen firing back at the Hajarrans and the Avengers--one Caprican with an AK47, one possibly Hajarran individual with an Ultimax LMG, and one individual in gold plated Spartan Armor with a plasma rifle. In turn, an Asian man and a woman believed to be tied to the infamous Talon Company were seen at the scene, shooting these individuals. LAPD is looking for all information possible on these individuals.

On a side note, LAPD CRASH agents apprehended accountant Michael Reznick and lawyer Thomas Buonato on charges of money laundering and conspiracy today. CRASH officers were tipped off by an anonymous caller to the two men's location, which revealed their involvement in possible money laundering for organized crime. This is a banner year for CRASH, as they have also apparently, along with the Avengers Task Force, taken down numerous individuals linked with organized crime, including some tied to the overall Avengers leadership struggle.

[Osanyia]

A shapely woman in a tight red robe fades in from the logo, her blond hair loose. She rustles some papers and sets them aside.

"Hello, I'm Nadine and this is the Osanyian News Update."

"Our top story is still the Galactic Empire Alliance summit on Persephone, where Lords Stettin and Sermak are representing our blessed Empire. No news has yet been made public, but we have reports of a possible arms deal and military deployment. We will continue to bring you updates as they arrive."

"The final operations on Kalgan are done, the last settlements not under the control of the Empire have been pacified."

Video of Osanyian troopers marching through run-down villages, a number of executions taking place in the background.

"An official War Ministry spokesman said, 'With these operations concluded, the last remnants of the Chaos have been eradicated. Our mighty Empire, by the grace of the Galactic Spirit, is now strong again.'"

"That will be all for this update, we'll have further reports as events warrant."

The screen fades to an advertisement for air-cars.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler making out with a scantly clad blonde, before shooing her away and smiling at the camera*

"Shit. I mean, ahem."

*cleans himself up*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

Agents from the National Office of Security Enforcement today announced the successful arrest of 24 people believed to have ties with organized crime.

The arrests occurred during a raid at the mansion of Danny Ganton, the New Age spa owner. NOOSE and others from the Avengers Task Force attempted to execute search and arrest warrants upon individuals tied to the illegal trafficking of arms, drugs, Plasmids, and other such substances. What resulted was a shootout at the mansion involving Avengers MC members acting as security as well as attendees of the party, where thirty people died in the ensuing gunfight and many more were injured.

"It was all so fast. One moment, we was partying and chillin' out, the next thing we knew the lights went out and a buncha SWAT guys stormed the building, shouting at us to get down," recounted one partygoer. "It was sheer chaos," recounted another, adding, "Those NOOSE assholes just shot up the place. It was so much I think they even shot at some of those Vanguard guys and the LAPD dudes. But before I could make sure, one of them kicked me in the head."

While the result is hailed as a success, questions still remain, however, namely as to why the Ganton Mansion was destroyed in the raid, why Ganton himself could not be accounted for after the raid, what NOOSE was chasing that left the mansion that night and why Officer Collins filed a complaint with the Colonial Marshals 1st Section alleging that NOOSE Agents had deliberately begun shooting at not just Vanguard agents, but also LAPD SWAT and even the resident Marshals Investigation Service officer on duty.

In reply to all these, NOOSE Agents aren't talking.

"Reports that our field agents shot at PA Vanguard or LAPD SWAT officers are patently false, and slanderous rumors created to slander us," said Commander Jenkins, who led the NOOSE contingent. "As it is, agents executed a raid with the Avengers Task Force, and the situation degenerated into chaos due to the continued resistance of criminal elements and rogue empowereds. Fortunately, we were able to contain the situation, and arrested multiple individuals for their crimes. Our Director was proud, and I am sure the Colonial people are proud."

EARTH ENTERTAINMENT NEWS

Further reports of President MacIntyre's new romance surfaced today when he and millionaire Nadine Huntleigh were once more seen together, this time at a fashionable Caprica City restaurant. The President didn't comment on the rumors, only stating, "Yeah, I went there that night. Point being?"

EARTH OFFBEAT NEWS

And some offbeat news. Apparently, the costumed vigilante known as Comrade Zero has concluded her fight with the so-called Cyber Mistress, ending in a fight where the former dropped six Cadillac Coupe De Villes on the latter. No word on what this was all about, other than that the people of Los Angeles are very grateful to be saved from, as one citizen described it, "Cyber Mistress's annoying rants." Comrade Zero sent a tape to this news service, which only said simply, "When evil strikes, I'll be there to clean it up."

Also, in other news, rumors have it that a 20th Century historical figure, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, has been awakened by scientists at the Tennenbaum Institute. Dr. Tennenbaum denied this, simply stating, "We don't comment on top secret experiments."

"And now, a word from our sponsors."

*Cuts to image of Chinese guy with dual pistols kicking down a pane of glass and shooting up a room full of drugs.*

"Tonight, on Inspector Whisky--"

*cuts to a scene with annoyed old Chinese guy at a desk. He slams his fist on the table.*

"WHISKY! NOW YOU'VE DONE IT! YANG WAS OUR ONLY LEAD, AND YOU'VE FUCKED IT UP! TURN IN YOUR BADGE!"

*Whisky shakes his head.*

"I'll turn it in when Greshenko's dead, Chief. Now fuck off," Whisky replies with a sneer, tossing his HKPD badge at the Chief before picking it up and shoving the old man back.

*Cuts to another scene with Whisky confronted by a white guy. Clearly Tauronese, he speaks with a Tauronese-New Jerseyite accent, and points a Picon 5-7 at Whisky*

"TELL ME WHY I SHOULDN'T DO GRESHENKO'S JOB FOR HIM!" Giamatti replies.

"FUCK YOU, GIAMATTI!" Whisky shouts.

*Cuts to Whisky holding dual Tokarevs and Giamatti with his Picon, behind a shipping crate. They're confronting a Russian man who's holding a hot Asian woman hostage.*

"You ever do something like this in Hypatia?" Whisky asks.

"No. But now's a good a time as any to see if I'm capable." Giamatti replies.

*Two leap out in a Bolivian Army Ending. Screen freeze-frames, and text pops up.*

"Will they survive?

INSPECTOR WHISKY. TONIGHT, 9PM, ON TCBC."

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler making out with a scantly clad brunette, before shooing her away and smiling at the camera*

"Fuck. Not again."

*cleans himself up*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH CRIMINAL NEWS

President MacIntyre and Nadine Huntleigh are safe today, after an alleged attack at Mrs. Huntleigh's residence. Details are scarce, but it is said a "crazed loonball biker chick" attacked the pair, and was promptly retaliated against by the couple and Regular Officer Collins of the PA Vanguard, as well as a local man.

A slow news day indeed. Now, our messages.

OOC: Credit to Carpe Fulgur and EasyGameStation for even creating Recette and bringing the poor girl to the USA.

IC:
*cuts to a commercial for Lemongrass Shooting Supplies. A little girl is seen tending a shop full of guns and ammo and MREs and Confederate flags, with a fairy companion.*

"Hi there! I'm Recette! So! I have an item shop! And stuff! And it's cool and awesome!"

*Recette beams. The fairy sighs. Recette perks up and smiles.*

"OH! I almost forgot! We have new specials! Lots of stuff to buy!"

*Puts on a Santa cap and walks around the store. Recette provides a cutesy, happy voiceover.*

"It's Christmastime, and here at Lemongrass Shooting Supplies, we have the best from Santa's Workshop, and then some! So buy that special gift for that special someone!"

*Picks up a NORINCO SKS-M*

"We have SKS-Ms for only $1! Heck, buy 20 for only ten bucks! Yepperoni! Easy as pie!"

*Recette stands there, cocks the rifle--the whole thing's empty--and smiles. She then walks on to a rack of Cadian Pattern Lasguns and Saiga-12 Shotguns.*

"We also have all Kalashnikovs, half off and Imperium of Man Weapons 50% off until January 5th!"

*Recette walks to a large shelf filled with MREs, Walnut Bread, and other food stuffs, including the Call of Duty: World at War Perk-a-Colas.*

"Oh, and don't forget the food! Our famous Walnut Bread 24-pack is now only $8.00! Thirsty? All Perks-a-Cola products are on sale."

*Recette takes a Quick Revive and drinks it, to the fairy's horror. Recette leaps back and winces a little before recovering quickly--she knows she's on camera.*

"I-it perks y-you up! Now, only $2.00 for a 24-count fridge pack!"

*Recette smiles and holds up the Quick Revive bottle, and a British accented voice speaks quickly as Recette gives Bambi Eyes at the end.*

"All regulations apply, offer only good in selected stores and mail order. Firearms offers not available in Caprica. Check your location before purchasing!"

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler calling his mom, screaming, "No, mom. She was a woman. Yes, she's lovely. Her names Patty--what? Mom, her vagina is not shaped like an antelope!" before gasping and smiling at the camera*

"Fuck. Not again."

*cleans himself up*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

"Apparently, the rumors are true. John F. Kennedy, legendary Earth political figure and assassination victim, has been spotted in Boston, living under the pseudonym Jeff Kay.

The ex-President was apparently discovered working as an employee at Boston Public Library. While writing a book called "Our Difficult World," Mr. Kennedy was discovered by two Harvard journalism students attempting to expose Irish Mob corruption in public services. What they got instead, was a blast from the past.

*cuts to a shaggy looking kid in a Che t-shirt.*

"Yeah, dude. I was jsut trying to interview a source about potential bribery in the basement, when all of a sudden this dude bumps into me and asks, 'Eh? What is this?' in a long Cape Cod voice. We talk about chowder, he's friendly enough, he tells us what we need to know, and then all of a sudden, it hits me. This fucker's JFK!"

Mr. Kennedy was then, in a bizarre series of events, hired by the Colonial Department of State. As he went to Logan Airport to head to Caprica City, he had this to say.

"I must say, your century is a...very strange century. But one which is beset by the same problems that afflicted my time, and afflict all humans through time. I, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, will do his utmost to better all humankind. For as Benjamin Franklin once said, 'We shall all hang together, or hang separately.' This especially goes for my once-rival Richard Nixon. Dick, I want you to remember. Forgive one's enemies, but, remember their names. And I remember Dick very well. I say this because Dick's out there, apparently part of some...Huntarian? Was it? Yeah, Huntarian Empire. If he wants to talk, we should talk. It's been too long."

Mr. Kennedy then proceeded to walk to a waiting car, where several nubile young women were invited to a "serious policy discussion" with Mr. Kennedy. I hope it goes well.

And now, our sponsors.

*cuts to a commercial with an old man walking in a destitute neighborhood.*

"A child is born daily in these slums. Every year, they die due to crime, disease, hunger....you look at this, and it seems you can do nothing."

*The man confronts you.*

"Or can you?"

*cuts to scene of a pile of Goryunov SGM Heavy Machineguns, AKs, Picon pistols, Rocket Launchers, Sten SMGs, ZF-1s and whatnot being handed to to young children*

"Here, at Galactic Firearms Crisis Fund, we here provide firearms to needy children. For just six cents a day, a young child can get the protection he needs."

*cuts to a picture of a kid killing a giant crocodile with the old man nearby.*

"For just six cents a day, he can feed his family."

*cuts to a picture of a kid hitting a robber with the butt of his gun as a little girl cries, with the old man nearby*

"Protect his sister."

*cuts to a kid reenacting the warehouse assault scene from Hard Boiled, shooting up everyone inside with a shotgun that explodes spectacularly as people fly all over the place.*

"Kill the people who murdered his family out of cold blood. You know they deserved it."

*cuts back to the old man who smiles, with a gaggle of kids behind him.*

"So donate now! Remember, just six cents a day can adopt a child and pay for his cleaning supplies and bullets. Six cents a day can save his life. It's not too much on you, and a lot off his shoulders. Or hers. Either way, you can't go wrong giving a kid a chance. Right?"

*The kids in the background raise a gnarly assortment of guns. One even is inside of an AT-AT. They all shout:*

"RIGHT!"

*cuts to title card*

"call 1-900-GUNFUND now."

[Orthodox Gnosticism]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler calling his mom, screaming, "No, mom. She was a woman. Yes, she's lovely. Her names Patty--what? Mom, her vagina is not shaped like an antelope!" before gasping and smiling at the camera*

"Fuck. Not again."

*cleans himself up*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

"Apparently, the rumors are true. John F. Kennedy, legendary Earth political figure and assassination victim, has been spotted in Boston, living under the pseudonym Jeff Kay.

The ex-President was apparently discovered working as an employee at Boston Public Library. While writing a book called "Our Difficult World," Mr. Kennedy was discovered by two Harvard journalism students attempting to expose Irish Mob corruption in public services. What they got instead, was a blast from the past.

*cuts to a shaggy looking kid in a Che t-shirt.*

"Yeah, dude. I was jsut trying to interview a source about potential bribery in the basement, when all of a sudden this dude bumps into me and asks, 'Eh? What is this?' in a long Cape Cod voice. We talk about chowder, he's friendly enough, he tells us what we need to know, and then all of a sudden, it hits me. This fucker's JFK!"

Mr. Kennedy was then, in a bizarre series of events, hired by the Colonial Department of State. As he went to Logan Airport to head to Caprica City, he had this to say.

"I must say, your century is a...very strange century. But one which is beset by the same problems that afflicted my time, and afflict all humans through time. I, John Fitzgerald Kennedy, will do his utmost to better all humankind. For as Benjamin Franklin once said, 'We shall all hang together, or hang separately.' This especially goes for my once-rival Richard Nixon. Dick, I want you to remember. Forgive one's enemies, but, remember their names. And I remember Dick very well. I say this because Dick's out there, apparently part of some...Huntarian? Was it? Yeah, Huntarian Empire. If he wants to talk, we should talk. It's been too long."

Mr. Kennedy then proceeded to walk to a waiting car, where several nubile young women were invited to a "serious policy discussion" with Mr. Kennedy. I hope it goes well.

And now, our sponsors.

*cuts to a commercial with an old man walking in a destitute neighborhood.*

"A child is born daily in these slums. Every year, they die due to crime, disease, hunger....you look at this, and it seems you can do nothing."

*The man confronts you.*

"Or can you?"

*cuts to scene of a pile of Goryunov SGM Heavy Machineguns, AKs, Picon pistols, Rocket Launchers, Sten SMGs, ZF-1s and whatnot being handed to to young children*

"Here, at Galactic Firearms Crisis Fund, we here provide firearms to needy children. For just six cents a day, a young child can get the protection he needs."

*cuts to a picture of a kid killing a giant crocodile with the old man nearby.*

"For just six cents a day, he can feed his family."

*cuts to a picture of a kid hitting a robber with the butt of his gun as a little girl cries, with the old man nearby*

"Protect his sister."

*cuts to a kid reenacting the warehouse assault scene from Hard Boiled, shooting up everyone inside with a shotgun that explodes spectacularly as people fly all over the place.*

"Kill the people who murdered his family out of cold blood. You know they deserved it."

*cuts back to the old man who smiles, with a gaggle of kids behind him.*

"So donate now! Remember, just six cents a day can adopt a child and pay for his cleaning supplies and bullets. Six cents a day can save his life. It's not too much on you, and a lot off his shoulders. Or hers. Either way, you can't go wrong giving a kid a chance. Right?"

*The kids in the background raise a gnarly assortment of guns. One even is inside of an AT-AT. They all shout:*

"RIGHT!"

*cuts to title card*

"call 1-900-GUNFUND now."

OOC: LOL, this makes me proud.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler talking on the phone to his girlfriend. He's using the video function.*

"Oh yeah, baby, talk dirty to me. Do that thing with the top ha--"

*he then looks at the screen and gasps.*

"Goddamnit."

*turns to videophone. He then mutters something and shuts it off, before throwing the phone to an intern. He then composes himself and smiles.*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jock Stabler, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH BUSINESS NEWS

Nadine Huntleigh today has announced the donation of USD$50 million dollars worth of firearms from her Sanrio Tactical Solutions division to the Galactic Firearms Crisis Fund. The move comes today as Sanrio Tactical, a division of HT Industries, has rolled out its new line of "Magnifique" firearms, geared to women from ages six to sixty.

Ms. Huntleigh delivered the announcement as she served a hot Thanksgiving meal at a GFCF Thanksgiving Banquet in the slums of New Chicago earlier this morning along with the designer of the Magnifique line, Madeline Deshane of Virgon, Chief Asthetics Designer at Sanrio Tactical, and the President himself, who made a quick stop to help for a short time before returning to Caprica City to oversee the present emergency. She then proceeded to hand out the firearms in a surprise giveaway, with the guests of the banquet queueing up for arms.

"It was wonderful. This little girl was slicing turkeys like no one's business, and then all of a sudden, she then snaps her fingers and says, 'Everyone, I have an announcement to make!' She then has several trucks come in fulla crates, and then inside the crates are guns!" one recipient said of her firearm, the Atelier-DS34. Said firearm is a Laser MicroSMG which takes 65 shot energy cells in a well in the grip, and comes with oak grips, milled and machined construction with sleek Bauhaus-inspired construction and design, tan coloring, and a permanently extended short foregrip wrapped in leather, with an image of Hello Kitty on the side. The woman then smiled and then made "pew pew" noises with her new gun.

Nadine Huntleigh herself was pleased with the endeavor.

"Having deep fried six turkeys straight, some with the help of the President, I can safely say it was a hard day's work. But it was also genuinely satisfying."

She then proceeded to fillet the turket six different ways and serve another line of people.

Madeline Deshane echoed similar sentiments, saying simply, "I feel good right now...but I cannot talk. Must serve!" before handing out more guns.

The GFCF reported record levels of donations, with well over several million cubits earned at the event through donations and other charity events.

And now, our sponsors.

*Cuts to a commercial with a man sitting in a forest. He has a samurai helmet, a fishing vest, a katana and a tactical knife on both hips, shoulder holsters and an M16 with too many rails. The man looks at the screen, and then speaks. His mouth moves in warped shapes as he speaks in an accent corresponding to the American Southwest.*

"Hello. Do you wish to learn the secrets of tactical battle? Do you find yourself outclassed by superior opponents in a gunfight or swordfight? Do you find that you are not getting the most tacitcal usage out of your firearm?"

*Gets up, and then dusts off his t-shirt and jeans, which are under this stuff.*

"Then let me, Colonel Nathan Francis, teach you the way."

*Cuts to scenes to Francis doing combat rolls with the M16, as well as run and guns in a desert landscape with some buddies shooting at some targets. Targets are clearly not moving or doing anything awesome. Francis stops, and then faces the screen, and points.*

"My six part course will give you the skills to do what I just did yourself. Distilling years of experience in the Colonial Citizens Forces and studying under famous People's Acolytes shootists, this course will teach you what you need to do in order to:"

*cuts to an image of Francis pointing to an M16. It is the same M16 as before, with too many rails and too many Reflex Sights, laser sights, a KAC Masterkey and what appears to be a lightsaber underslung in the bayonet lug. Voiceover goes first.*

"Pick out a proper tactical rig."

*Image moves--Francis speaks*

"And I guarantee that this lightsaber bayonet is an excellent addition to any tactical arsenal. When you combine it with an item such as this Reflex Sight here, and when you cowitness it with these Backup Iron Sights here, I find that you have an ideal weapon for almost any tactical situation."

*Voiceover, as the scene cuts to another one of Francis sitting at a desk with his M16.*

"Adequately understand and prepare oneself for a Without Rule of Law Situation."

*Image moves--Francis speaks*

"Preparation is essential, sheepdogs. You gotta prepare because, one day, a WROL situation may happen to you, and you may have to help keep the peace in case of Cylon invasion, food riots, or a natural disaster such as a meteor strike, and there may be no one around to help keep order. Hence, the need for a proper tactical setup."

*Voiceover, as the scene cuts to an image of Francis prone on his belly.*

"Properly follow proper tactical techniques."

*Image moves--Francis speaks, as he quickly leaps up to a standing position, and then does a combat roll to the side, before diving forward, tossing a potato.*

"And if you see here, you can quickly go from prone, to a standing position, to a combat roll....to a forward dive. This potato here substitutes for a grenade or tactical projectile such as a rock, but properly used, it can even up a fight by enabling you to get multiple shots, move quickly, and then dive forth."

*Cuts to Francis standing proud.*

"So for only $59.95, or six easy payments of six bucks, you can unlock the secrets of tactical genius. So what you waiting for?"

*Points at the screen and smiles.*

"Order now, Sheepdogs!"

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jock Stabler yelling at a producer offstage.*

"Look. Bob. I-I know I have made some mistakes recently on air. But damnit, I'm going through six divorces! SIX! COUNT THEM, MOTHERFUCKER! SIX! ALL AT THE SAME FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING SHITTING TIME! And no less than fifteen child support cases from these. Well, fuck your family, okay. I don't wanna hear how your daughter won the fucking spelling bee, because all she'll be spelling 'c-r-a-c-k-p-i-p-e!' FUCK! THEIR! SHIT!"

*Two burly men come up and punch out Jock, who is then taken off stage as an attractive blonde replaces him. She sits down and adjusts her shirt, letting a little cleavage show.*

"We're on? Okay."

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today, responding to the findings of a Colonial Marshals 1st Section study, put his signature on Executive Order 2041 today, completing the constitutional process which started with the Justice Minister and Admiral De Bruyn's signatures on the order, as well as apparent advice from two different Colonial Marshals officials, reportedly Chief Director Maurice Deshane and Director Jonah Staunton of the Immigration and Common Border Authority.

The order, among other activities, mandates that the National Office of Security Enforcement enforce an affirmative action policy to hire Empowered individuals and enforce more strict Rules of Engagement to minimize civilian casualties, as well as forbidding explicitly the deputizing of active duty Armed Forces equipment and personnel except in the event of Martial Law.

"This is a step forward," hailed Tom Baxton, head of People Organized to Oppose Profligacy. "NOOSE can no longer randomly destroy civilians and then win a lawsuit for it."

Director Elliot Riggs of the National Office of Security Enforcement today vehemently objected to the Executive Order, and did not feel so positively.

"I cannot believe this President. The Director of the Colonial Marshals has given me the mandate to aid our law enforcement officials in the field by any means necessary, and this President intends to meddle in a legitimate war on crime by making me hire mutants and telling me how my men will stop criminals from hurting our children. He will hear from me about this," Director Riggs said from his office.

Next up, I tell my daughter Janie why she cannot date that scumbag from the 7-11, George. Film at 11.

[Thrashia]

OOC: LOL. Love it ND.

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jane Hogarth applying makeup and looking in a mirror. She then peers out to the side and then sees something before whipping out a pistol.*

"Jock? No. You were banned from the stage."

*A hot dog, half-eaten flies by her head. She uses the pistol to shoot it like a clay pigeon, reducing the hot dog to smithereens. She then reloads it and sighs.*

"Get this guy outta here."

*smiles, and looks at the screen*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today signed an Executive Order, along with the appropriate Cabinet authorities, authorizing the annexation of Konoha as a territory of the United Colonies, to be officially attached as Konoha County, Earth SSR. The decision came today in the wake of the recent discovery of an anomaly that reportedly wiped out not only all life on Konoha, but also Tenetia and the now ex-Coredian worlds, as discovered by forces operating under the authority of the Auspice of New Kobol. Said forces had already annexed the territories of Tantis and Tenetia.

Admiral De Bruyn had this to say.

*cuts to Admiral De Bruyn, speaking at a press conference*

"At 1800 hours Caprican Standard Time, the President signed Executive Order 2042 to legally incorporate the world of Konoha into the United Colonies of Kobol. Effective immediately, it is to be known as the County of Konoha, part of the greater administration of the Colony of Earth SSR. We have deployed soldiers already stationed there originally as part of our Relief Mission to the area, to begin surveying the zone and to secure it for Colonial annexation.

Combined with the annexation of the planets of Tenetia and Tantis under the aegis of the Auspice of New Kobol, and the reported destruction of Sparta, the United Colonies are now in possession of all known ex-Coredian territories.

As of yet, no scheme of settlement has been proposed for Konoha, as we are still surveying it. However, we can assure you it will comply with all constitutional regulations and laws. Questions?"

*one reporter raises her hand*

"What of the reports from Mars that Tereza Junko Tadanobu is pushing for the People's Acolytes to have a governing role in Konoha?"

*De Bruyn is unfazed, but somewhat surprised.*

"I have heard nothing of this, so I cannot comment on it. If the People's Acolytes Organization wishes to assist in the governance of Konoha, then they can speak with Earth SSR or Federal civil authorities on the matter. That is all."

*cuts back to Jane, who just got a phone call. She grins, but is clearly suppressing rage.*

"Next up, I find my daughter's boyfriend George is collects Hot Wheels for a living, and why this is another reason why that fuckface cannot go anywhere near my daughter. Film at 11."

*cuts to commercial. Ominous narrator speaks, with spooky music a la The Exorcist.*

"In a world, full of dark places...."

*cuts to four teenagers, dressed in awkward 80s clothing and hair, with shotguns. They're in a dark, ominous house. Jump cut to one of their faces, one of them is sweating bullets. Scared as hell, he raises his shotgun, as the image cuts to a first person view looking at a window with a shambling form in it.*

"...and plagued by an evil curse...."

*cuts to a hand breaking through said window. The window is bashed open; its a zombie wearing a Nazi SS Honor Guard uniform. Zombie lets out an ungodly scream, and its glowing yellow eyes are the only illumination in the room. Cuts to teenager firing shotgun at zombie. Cut back to zombie falling, but more come in. Teenager screams to others.*

"WE GOTTA RUN!"

*Narrator continues to speak, as the teenagers rush up a flight of rickety stairs."

"...four young teenagers are about to discover true evil...."

*Nazi Zombies break through all the windows, as the teenagers shoot back. They eventually look around, and run out of ammo."

*...and the way to make it...."

*One of the teenagers, a young woman, bumps into a birdcage, with a wierd bird in it. It's still alive, and angrily chirping. Teenager shrieks, and tosses the cage at the zombie horde dashing inside. The bird flies out, and it railguns through six of them at once.*

"...fly far, far away."

*Ominous music ends. Hard rockin' soundtrack begins as the kids look at one another dumbfounded--the zombies likewise.*

"This summer, see the movie critics are raving about."

*Cut to images of teenagers throw weird, triangular shaped birds which rocket to high speeds at the Nazi Zombies, as well as small blue birds which break apart into clusters of birds that slam into the horde, taking it down. All the while, superimposed reviews are shown.*

"Um, I guess it was better than Megashark v. Giant Octopus.--Danny Shmoo, New Chicago Times. (OOC: A real movie, oddly enough.)

Interesting.--PIke Johnson, Moviegoers for the Understanding of Fine Film."

*Narrator finishes up*

"See MIkey Schultz, Dana Forbes Cabot, Joey Kalishnikov and Corey Antin in....

WINGS OF LIFE"

*Narrator delivers one liner, as from a zombie's POV, one of the teenagers smacks it down and bashes its face in with a cardinal.*

"Irate Avians...

...Nazi Zombies...

...ONE. WILD. NIGHT."

[CoreWorlds]

OOC:
Secret Arts: Subscription Technique!

This is fun stuff! Keep it up!

[O Boyce]

Pokosian Commonwealth news
Hello and welcome to today’s installment of the Commonwealth news. Our opening story is one that concerns us all in the Commonwealth. Pokosian military forces have yet to enter into action with the enemy but the probability of the event looms over us like a cloud of rain. The debate about whether or not the Uluthians, who lay under the barony of the Commonwealth, can join the Pokosian military machine. This question has yet to be answered by the Council of Barons that is yet in session on Persephonie. This story takes us all the way to the Uluth system where our reporter in the field, Hreel is standing by with more.

*Change of scene, a strong looking Pokosian appears near the edge of a small clearing in the center of a town. The clearing is full of Uluthians going through close order drill*

Hello, as you can see behind me the situation here in the Uluth system has escalated. Several days ago there were riots in the capital of the system and around the Pokosian embassy that although were without any loss of life it did lead to several thousands of Lochs in damage. Although I can say that from what I saw, it seems as though the rioters did everything they could to prevent said damage.

*Scene cuts to the riots several days earlier. Thousands of Uluthians swarm around the doors of the Pokosian embassy, where armed guards have their shields forward and their staff weapons forward holding back the tide of rioters. Then cuts back to Hreel*

News from the Council of Elders still has yet to release a statement on the situation but the speaker of the Council, Kshree T’lot, standing in place of Tar Armerelos, did send out a memorandum to the people yesterday that was broadcasted over the communication net for all. In the memorandum he states; “Although we are all concerned about the war at hand, as members of the Galactic Empire, we wish not to over step our bounds with Uluthians enlisting in our military. We appreciate the concern and feelings of patriotism and camaraderie that our Uluthian brothers and sisters are showing but I ask that they be patient. An answer will soon come”.

That has not stopped Uluthians from acting on their own. Behind me drilling is the First Uluthain Volunteer infantry. They are dubbing themselves the “Ondorammas Brigade”, after the Pokosian Predestiny leader and our beloved Tar so long ago. As you can see they are taking their business very seriously. I have spoken to a few of the soldiers and they seem in high spirits and are very confident that with the announcement of their eligibility they will be able to field a whole force for the Pokosian military.

*cuts back to studio*

Hreel, is that even legal? I am not sure about the laws but is it legal for Pokosian Citizens and of the Empire are allowed to form in force?

*cuts back to Hreel*

As the law states, it is legal for communities to form their militia and train once a cycle. It is a very old law, predating the Civil War, but it is still unquestioned at this point. Now as for the Empire, that is still a bit fuzzy, but as of now these Uluthians are here exercising their right to form their militia. This is going on all over the Uluth system.

That is all for now, but I will keep you updated as it progresses. Tomorrow I have an interview with the leader of Ondorammas Brigade. He will give us some insight onto what is going on here in the Uluth system. Until next time, this is Hreel signing out.

*cuts to studio*

Well, things do seem to be heating up on the home front.

Wow, that took all of our time today, we shall be back, same time, same channel, keep watching for tonghts intertainment, the Pokosian repratory theatres rendition of King Lear

[O Boyce]

Pokososian Commonwealth News
*opens scene to two Pokosians sitting in a studio, the Capitol city of Tranquietel slowly rising in the background up the slopes of the mountain. Rain silently falls against the glass on the window behind the news casters*

Hello, and welcome to the Commonwealth news. Today is a busy day in the news. From more comments and developing information on the Uluthain question, a response from the Xiscapian ambassador to Pokos on the matter. Also today we have more information coming from the University of Plaktea, where there was a groundbreaking discovery on the twin world. Also, we have news on the tropical storm out in the Golden Sea that has coastal towns worried. All tonight on the five O’clock news.

Firstly we have the Uluthain question that seems to be dominating politics at these past few weeks. As many of us know several months ago the PEF, Pokosian Expeditionary Force, left the Trelani system and headed off to Danaversian war. The question that has plagued the Council of Elders and the Tar himself was the question of whether or not our Uluthian friends that live under our baronship can join the Pokosian military. The question seems to be whether or not they can under the laws of the Galactic Empire and the laws of the Commonwealth. As we know now the Tar himself is attending the Council of Barons on the Planet Persephone, where all of the barons of the Galactic Empire have met to discuss matters of importance. His agenda, as stated before his departure was to ascertain if the Uluthians still held the right to join the Pokosian military or if there was a law prohibiting that considering that the Commonwealth is in the war on its own accord, not that of the Empire. We now go to our reporter in the field, Dominique who is outside the Council chambers in Persephone as we speak.

*Scene cut to the exterior of a large marble and stone structure with the flags of the Baronies flapping lazily in the breeze outside. A tall, beautiful, Uluthian with long white hair holds a microphone up*

Thank you J’klesa for the introduction. The Tar and the other Barons of the Empire entered the Council Chambers some time ago. Late comers still arrive sporadically but as of now we are still not in full understanding of what is going on inside. At this point it is nothing but speculation on what is actually being discussed but we can all hope that it can bring an end to the issue at hand. On a lovely day such as this, it is a wonder anyone could think that the fate of an entire people is being decided inside the hallowed halls behind me. This is Dominique signing out, back to you in the studio

*cuts back to the studio, J’klesa flattens a few ruffled feathers and clacks his beak before continuing*

In other news. In a press conference today at noon Ambassador Enomoto, the Xiscapian Ambassador to the Commonwealth appeared with Ambassador Lucksee, the Pokosian Ambassador to Xiscapia, at the Pokosian Embassy on Xiscapia and finally responded to the events at hand.

*Cuts to scene from a room with a podium. Flashes from cameras and video recorders brighten the room slightly as the two Ambassadors stand side by side near the podium. Both nations flags hanging down from the back wall. Enomoto steps forward and begins to speak*

“As for the current situation concerning the Uluthians in the Commonwealth who wish to join our cause in the Great Patriotic War, I speak for the Emperor, for the Kitsune Imperial Military and for Xiscapia as a whole when I urge the Council of Elders to lift the combat prohibition the Commonwealth has imposed on able-bodied Uluthians. I am aware that there is some question as to their exact status, being citizens of both the Commonwealth and the Galactic Empire, but there is one place where they are the same as any Pokosian soldier, and that is in their will.

The call to arms, to fight to protect liberty, homelands, freedom and the very survival of races transcends nations and cultures. Proof positive is the Coalition itself, an amalgamation of states and peoples united by the common cause of mutual defense and the support of each to the other against Ternion aggression. People I never dreamed I would see fighting alongside each other -kitsune and Alumina, Booleans and Escan, Zillars and Setulanites- come together in parts or wholes to combat the corruption, slavery, death in decadence and misery wrought by the Ternion, people with far greater differences than the Uluthians and the Pokosians. If a man wishes to fight for what is rightfully his, to keep what he has built for himself and his fellows and to defend the nation he calls his home, who are we to stop him? It is with every respect but the utmost sincerity that I say that any extension, expansion or prolonging of this prohibition is a disservice to the valiant Uluthian people.

Every effort will be made by the Kitsune Empire to facilitate the inclusion of Uluthian troops into Pokosian ranks; the opportunity for such strength in bonding is far too great to be lost. If necessary I will open the Kitsune Imperial embassy to delegates from the Commonwealth, representatives of the Uluthian people and diplomats of the Galactic Empire so we may reach an understanding and negotiate to a point where the Uluthians may be allowed to fight for what they love as any rightful member of the Commonwealth may. Make no mistake, denying a man his birth-given right to uphold what he has believed in all his life is a crime. There is no room for politics in war, nor should there be. What should be of concern is the strength, the devotion, the courage and the force of will of the men in question. The Uluthians have not been found in wanting, and they should not be excluded because of an obscure technicality.

So, to the Uluthians I beg you, sharpen your blades, hone your skills and hold fast a little longer. To the Council of Tars, I implore you to reconsider your position on this matter. The Kitsune Empire has expressed itself now, I will further elaborate in sessions as needed, but what should be said, has been said. Thank you.”

*Enomoto steps back and Lucksee steps forward*

“I myself share the good Ambassadors sentiments on this issue and agree fully. My flock has always been one that has supported the right of every individual to serve if they wish, and have even helped push the inclusion of the ‘Stain to be allowed to be in our armed forces even considering the rarity of their peoples.

We find ourselves in a rare opportunity here, if we do not step up and not show that we can play the big game we will always live in the shadow of other great nations. Our polices, and our actions speak louder than the words utter. If we are to allow the Uluthians to fight for what they think is a worthy cause then let it be so, and at great speed. Did we Pokosians not fight for what was right long ago against Moragoth and his ilk, did we not overthrow the corrupt Tars of our past? If the cause is just let the masses come. Hand them a uniform, hand them the sword and the staff, the shield and the helmet, let them fight side by side as brothers and sisters, young hatchlings and small children. We can and will become one people. We accepted the Uluthians as our own with open wings and the warm down feathers of our bosums, something our people have never done before. Now let us take one more step into the future that looks so bright.

But do not tarry too long, for if we do, and the enemy knocks on our doorsteps, where will be the force of arms we needed so badly, they will be behind the weapons of the enemy, staring us down with evil in their hearts because we did not give them the inalienable right to fight for what they believe in.

With that, we both bid you all a fine night”

*scene cuts back to studio*

Those were dark words from Ambassador Lucksee, but something that we all fear is brewing in the back of our minds. Continuing the story, We take you Hreel, our reporter in the field in the Uluth system, where he has an interview with the leader of the largest Uluthian millita unit, one of many that is mustering in force all over the system in response to the lack of action by the Pokosian government on the Uluthian question.

*Cuts to the inside of a tent. Through an open flapo you can see campfires and the sound of men marching by. Hreel straitens his feathers while a handsome, mustached Uluthain sits proudly in his dark tan and yellow trimmed uniform*

“Thank you. I am sitting here with the leader of this particular unit Theodore Ketchingson, being dubbed the ‘Ondorammas Brigade’. So, Theodore, how are you feeding and arming these men and women that are showing up for the muster?”

“Well Hreel, it is all coming out of our pockets. I am doing my best to pay for the most modern weapons available for my troops, but money can only get you so much. Some bring what they can to help with the support of the unit, some money comes in from local towns and cities that have collected sums, or are just donating the material”

“What about training, this militia law hasn’t been enacted for cycles, why take this particular action instead of say protesting or other forms to get your point across?”

“Dear lords, that is preposterous! Have you not heard but our nation is at war! How is a protest or a riot going to help the war effort. This way we are showing the government that we are ready and willing to be called upon. What we need is to take action! The more we sit here an bicker over rules and laws from antiquity the closer the enemy gets to our doorsteps. It was not long ago that our peoples were brought under the same umbrella. I lived some time in Tranquietel and spent time in the Universities on Plaktea. We may have been one people on paper but we are still so different culturally and genetically. But our spirit, our spirit is the same! By the gods they are the same! As for training good sir, some if from the books provided by our local libraries, a good understanding of military history makes a good rounded soldier, he needs to know how to think not just fight. He needs to devise strategy as much as he needs to aim a gun. Most comes from retired Pokosian military officers that have vollenteered their time and expertise to share with us. Once a Training officer has learned enough he moves on to train more while the veteran teaches a new group of TO’s.”

“That all seems rather complicated Mr. Ketchingson”

“Well the art of war is not as simple as a child’s plaything, it is complicated as hell, so we have to prepare as such. Whenever the Council of Elders calls, we shall be here, or we will head to the front on our own accord, come the fires of hell or high water!”

“Well, that’s it here in the Uluth system, back to you in the studio, Hreel signing off”

*cuts back to studio*

Finally, to some non war related news, on Plaktea today archeologists found signs of a passageway in the Predestiny rock in the center of Uttumo. Now it is uncertain that it has anything to do with the time of the Predestiny, worshippers have flocked to the site and have gathered behind the fencing in prayer. We shall keep you updated on it.

Also, news from weather stations out in the Golden sea has alerted that tropical depression that we have been watching is now turned into a category one hurricane. It is advised that all coastal towns to be prepared to evacuate if necessary to and that personal flying has been prohibited in the area until the storm has passed. I know folks, it is easier to flap those wings to get across town instead of using the transports, but it is safer to take the transports. Don’t go out in the storm unless absolutely necessary.

Well folks, that is all for tonight, good night, and we will see you tomorrow.

*fade*

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jane Hogarth tidying up some papers. A Colt Python revolver sits next to her as she watches out for someone. A buzzing; she reachers her hand into her jacket pocket and removes a phone.*

"Hey baby, I'm at work."

*Her expression grows angry. She then begins to whisper angrily into the phone.*

"What? No, you may not see him tonight. I don't care if your dad told you you could. You cannot see that scum. I know what he full well he did with the leftover Chinese food and the bookshelf and my signed, autographed copy of Junko Tadanobu's 'Even More Pearls of Wisdom.' You know how hard that shit is to clean up?"

*Sighing, Jane hangs up the phone, and then tosses it into the air, shooting it with the Python and then sliding the gun across the desk, before shaking her head and sighing. Jane pauses for a minute. She then smiles, and looks at the screen*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH FINANCIAL NEWS

In the news today, the Big Three Megacorporations of Earth have seen their stocks rise today after the annexation of Konoha. Surprisingly, Nadine Huntleigh did not release a statement on the issue, owing to her frequent involvement with all things Coredian. However, it is rumored that HT Industries is applying to the Governor of Earth SSR's office to obtain permission to begin logging and mining operations on the world, as are others such as Mitsubishi Heavy Industries and NORINCO.

On another note, the Christmas shopping season has picked up steam on Earth SSR's territories as the big day draws nearer. In particular, the big retailers have seen a massive uptick in sales figures for this year both in brick and mortar stores and online sales. In particular, Lemongrass Shooting Supply as well as Thatherton's and Peoplemart have seen their sales skyrocket.

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

Representative Karen Wilder from the Morningstar Coalition visited the United Colonies recently to meet with top leaders, including the President, the Admiral of the Fleet, as well as select Quorum members and Cabinet staff. While the exact nature of the meeting is unknown, it is likely related to recent activity involving the Romans. A spokesperson for the Department of State only said that "Top level discussions are occurring with the Morningstar Coalition's agents concerning matters of national security, and that is all we can divulge at the moment."

Next, we get to find out how much George has to pay to replace my phone, and if any of that can come out of his health insurance. Film at 11.

*Jane then snaps a pencil as she forces a smile.*

*cuts to a commercial with a scared Japanese schoolgirl and a Catholic schoolgirl both poking and prodding a Colt Commando. They turn their noses up at it, like it stinks to high heavens. They look at one another, and agree that its ugly with a nod. Narrator speaks.*

"Tired of those unslightly, nasty-looking firearms? Wish your dakka had some dazzle? Want to shoot once more, with feeling?"

*cuts to an image of a jar of pink goo, like a salve. It has Hello Kitty stickers on it and glitter. Narrator continues.*

"Then try the M1337 Tactical Cuteness Gel, from Sanrio Tactical Systems--the safe, tactically sound way to make that fun tactical solution in your life that much more interesting."

*cuts to an image of the schoolgirls rubbing the Gel onto the Colt Commando. Camera zooms in on their hands as one takes a dollop of the gel and applies it to the gun.*

"Simply apply the gel to that dull machine...."

*cuts to an image of the girls letting the Colt Commando sit there as the paste dries and fizzles, beginning to coat the gun in a pinkish hue and manifesting cute images on it. They recoil back in slight horror as a superimposed diagram of the chemistry of it all is shown for the viewers' benefit.*

"...and watch the Tactical Cuteness Gel take hold, using its nanotech polymer coatings to make that gun stylish, amazing, and oh-so-weather and corrosion resistant without excess lumpiness, excess mess, and ready in only twenty minutes."

*cuts to another image of the two schoolgirls fawning over the Colt Commando. It has some really wierd day glo pink Lizard camo scheme on it, sparkling with a little help from Adobe Premier, and glittery and full of stickers and fuzzy fur. The two girls are pleased.*

"AWWWWW!!!!"

*cuts to the Catholic schoolgirl*

"Thanks, Tactical Cuteness!"

*Goes to Japanese Schoolgirl*

"Hai! Ima, Colto Commando wa takusan kawaii desu! Arigato, Tactical Cuteness-san!"

*Translation via subs: YES! Now, this Colt Commando is very, very cute! Thanks, Mr. Tactical Cuteness!"

*cuts to an image of the Cuteified gun and a jar of Tactical Cuteness as the narrator speaks*

"That's right! Don't believe us, just check out our satisfied customers!"

*cuts to a grizzled looking Russian prison guard with a KS-23 shotgun. It is big. It is huge. And it is impossibly pink. The guard speaks in Russian, and an interpreter speaks.*

"Before I had Tactical Cuteness, keeping order in a remote Siberian gulag was a boring, drab business. Tactical Cuteness helped make my shotgun the most darling, cutest thing ever. I can enforce my authoritah and abus--I mean discipline prisoners in style!"

*Guard hugs the KS-23. Image cuts to a redneck sitting by a campfire. He has camo fatigues, a suspicious look about him. Confederate flags are everywhere. He has a monstrosity which used to be an AR-15 rifle. The redneck smiles.*

"Tactical Cuteness is great. With how cute this thing is, I can not only amuse the grandkids and the little ones, but I can shoot me some deer and also impress the guys."

*holds up the gun*

"Ain't she a purty little sumbitch?"

*he then nuzzles the gun and kisses it like one would kiss a baby.*

*cuts to the same image of the Cuteified gun and a jar of Tactical Cuteness as the narrator speaks*

"For only $15.99, you can own your own jar of Tactical Cuteness! Order now, and we'll throw in two more bottles, free! That's right--three for the price of one! And, we'll even throw in this free applicator pad."

*shows one last image of the Schoolgirls showing off the cute Colt Commando. Narrator closes out.*

"Tactical Cuteness. Charming. Compact. Cute. Efficient."

[New Dornalia]

*cuts to an image of Jane Hogarth fixing her hair slightly, not too much though. A Colt Python revolver sits next to her. She has bags under her eyes, barely covered by good makeup and even better lighting.*

"How's my hair? Good."

*She then picks up the Colt Python and twirls it, aiming it at the camera, going 'pshaw! pshaw!' before holstering it. Then, footsteps and screaming can be heard from stage left. Jane picks up the colt and shoots casually with a sigh. Jock Stabler falls to the ground, holding a ginormous katana, clutching his gut. Jane then looks to the right and screams.*

"We need someone to clean this shit up. NOW!"

*She then smiles, and looks at the screen*

*opening music*

"Hello, I'm Jane Hogarth, from HoloNet News's Los Angeles Bureau with our Dispatches From Earth. Here are the stories, from this fabled little planet."

EARTH POLITICAL NEWS

President MacIntyre today is facing tough questions over his handling of the return of the Chronosians to the galactic stage in what commentators from the Los Angeles Times call "One Very Bad Christmas Present."

According to a report from the Terran-Colonial Broadcasting Corporation's Inside Probe, sources claim that the recent visit of Quorum head Adria Hester to Chronosia along with elements of the Aphrodite cult of Geminon was precipitated by a report that the President had personally ordered news of the return of the Chaos-based nation to galactic politics not to be disseminated, for reasons the muckraking program was unable to locate.

The President only said of the report, "They can say what they like. I make decisions pertinent to national security on a daily basis.

The decision Inside Probe says I did happened, but being a sensationalist TV show who also says Force Vaccines cause cancer and zombification, they are likely blowing it out of proportion.

I chose to restrict said information until I could formulate an appropriate response--my hand has been forced by Ms. Hester on that count. That is all.

For the record, if the Chronosians are willing and able, I would like to speak with them. I am after all, the President."

In other news, reconstruction of Nightshade's Palace on the planet of Tenetia has been approved by the Auspice of New Kobol, and its reconstruction is underway as we speak. When asked about it, most residents of Earth replied with comments similar to that of Mr. Donegal of South Boston.

"Meh. Nightshade was kinda hot, to be fair. Plus, she didn't have annoying fangirls who would break up my favorite concerts down at the pub. Seriously, fuckin' Ouendan would just come in there and start shit. Fucking cunts."

*cuts to Jane at the studio, using a Shout Pen to clean up blood stains from her shooting.*

"Did they clean--oh shit, I'm still on. Next up, how to clean up blood stains from a fine linen suit paid for by extorting your daughter's scumbag boyfriend. Film at 11."

*Jane reloads the Python, and spins the chamber. Cuts to a series of slow pans over women lying on divan couches, scantly clad and with come-hither smiles. Slow, sensual smooth jazz plays. Seductive voiceover begins.*

"Tired of just looking at women? Want to have a racy, thrill laden night with gorgeous ladies like these?"

*pans zoom out to reveal...a disgustingly modest apartment. It's kinda tiny, the divan couches take up the entire living room, and the low, soft lighting is achieved only because the lightbulb in the room isn't that good. The slow pans continue, but they show pizza boxes, DVDs featuring cult classic one-season wonder Sci-fi shows, rock band posters and an apartment that, while clean, isn't surgically clean. Oh, and roommates in another room playing on their Xbox, almost distrupting the commercial with loud shouts. On a decent couch is a normal looking dude sitting down next to two women, both Latina twins who are interested in him.*

"On his salary?"

*He reaches over and grabs a Virgon Brew, cracking it open and motioning to the screen. Voice over goes on.*

"It's possible. And, you don't even need to go to Sagittarion, Thailand, the darkest depths of the HoloBand, or even question your own orientation to find it. Let Madame LaRue's Classy Courtesan Service provide you with that special companion for the evening...or three, even. All at a modest rate. Right, sailor?"

*man speaks.*

"Damn right."

*Voice over speaks*

"Damn right indeed. Call now for special packages for the Holidays--because no one should be lonely this Holiday season."

*cuts to one of the women winking, and putting on a Sexy Santa hat.*

"Madam LaRue's Classy Courtesan Service. Good Help Isn't Hard to Find."