Local Mails in Your Area
Description: Following a recent change to mail delivery in Brancaland, postal workers cross the country are clamoring for @@NAME@@ to follow in their footsteps, by implementing a system of "community mailboxes", where whole neighborhoods share a mailbox instead of each house having its own, in every city in @@NAME@@.
Option 1: "Every day, I have to go to thousands of houses and walk up to their porches, only to send them junk mail they won't even open..." complains @@RANDOMNAME@@, a disgruntled mail carrier in @@CAPITAL@@. "Do you know exhausting that is? Community mailboxes would save so much time and energy. I'd never even have to leave the van! Think of my -- er, the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Mail Service's -- legs!"
Effect: the nation's pets yearn for the days when they had mail carriers to chase.
Option 2: "Think of @@HIS@@ legs?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of @@CAPITAL@@'s elderly residents. "Why should I have to walk multiple blocks in horrible storms to check my mail? At least @@HE@@ gets paid to walk around town in that stupid little outfit! My mailbox works perfectly fine, why can't I keep using it?"
Effect: neither snow nor rain nor gloom of night will prevent @@NAME@@'s postal workers from hating their jobs.
Option 3 (must have internet): "Say, why do we even have physical mail anyway?" asks your tech-savvy cousin, part-way through a game of @@ANIMAL_PLURAL@@ Vs Skeletons. "Paper mail is like, sooooo 150 years ago. Can't we just use the internet? After all, pretty much everyone has a computer anyway."
Effect: grannies across the country struggle to figure out how to open their e-birthday cards.
Option 4 (must not have internet): "Say, why do we even have physical mail anyway?" asks your cousin, still missing the days when he could go online. "We could get by just fine with computers and never have to deal with that pesky paper ever again! All you'd have to do is loosen those silly internet laws and give us access to the information superhighway! Do you want to be a part of the future?"
Effect: news of the internet's return struggles to reach citizens who don't have internet to read it on.