[DRAFT 4] And A Cartridge In A Pear Tree

[Omnicontrol]

First attempt at writing an issue in what, 3 years? Probably my first decent, and coherent, attempt too. If the title sounds familiar it's because I used it forever ago in another draft.

[Title] And a Cartridge in a Pear Tree

[Validity] Must not have Gun Control, must have high Weaponization, must be capitalist

[Description] After a controversial ad where prominent arms company Smith & Maxson showcased an eight-year-old child holding an assault rifle as part of a promotion for the holidays, and a major news story where a young kid shot his eye out, a survey has revealed a rapidly increasing trend of more kids being gifted weapons for Maxxmas each year.

[Option 1] "This is outrageous!" exclaims concerned parent @@RANDOMNAME1@@, holding a hand over @@HIS@@ son's eye, the other covered by an eyepatch. "We're going to have children toting machine guns at school any day now! What's after that? Tanks? Fighter jets? You must ban all weapons from being given to children immediately before this gets any worse."
[Effect] handing a child a butter knife is a criminal offense

[Validity] must have an army
[Option 2a] "What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no. In fact, you should encourage kids to learn how to use my guns. Will win you wars real quick." Maxson lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get you a discount on the next round of military weapons."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] must not have an army
[Option 2b] “What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no. In fact, you should encourage kids to learn how to use my guns. Will keep criminals at bay real quick." Maxson lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could bring some more production to @@NAME@@. You know, to boost the economy and all."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] Must have police
[Option 3] "Where you see a problem, I see a solution.", eagerly states @@CAPITAL@@ police chief, @@RANDOMNAME3@@. “A few more officers would be useful around here, so why not start ‘em young? Teach children gun safety and guide them into the police force, of course. Let them have handguns when they’ve passed and watch both your problems and mine get solved.”
[Effect] children arrest class clowns

[Option 4] "Or we could just pretend we care about it." interjects the Deputy Minister of Pleasing Everyone, @@RANDOMNAME4@@, fully convinced @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@ can't hear @@HIM@@. "Just release an official statement saying people should be careful with weapons and discourage breaking gun safety rules. We can placate worrywarts without alienating gun-loving @@DENONYMPLURAL@@. Everyone's happy this way!"
[Effect] @@LEADER@@ speaks in vague statements and loopholes

[Title] And a Cartridge in a Pear Tree

[Validity] Must not have Gun Control, must have high Weaponization, must be capitalist

[Description] After a controversial ad where prominent arms company Smith & Maxson showcased an eight-year-old child holding an assault rifle as part of a promotion for the holidays, and a major news story where a young kid shot his eye out, a survey has revealed a rapidly increasing trend of more kids being gifted weapons for Maxxmas each year.

[Option 1] "This is outrageous!" exclaims concerned parent @@RANDOMNAME1@@, holding a hand over @@HIS@@ son's eye, the other covered by an eyepatch. "We're going to have children toting machine guns at school any day now! What's after that? Tanks? Fighter jets? You must ban all weapons from being given to children immediately before this gets any worse."
[Effect] handing a child a butter knife is a criminal offense

[Validity] must have an army
[Option 2a] "What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Maxson lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get you a discount on the next round of military weapons."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] must not have an army
[Option 2b] “What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Maxson lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could bring some more production to @@NAME@@. You know, to boost the economy and all."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] Must have police
[Option 3] "Where you see a problem, I see a solution.", eagerly states @@CAPITAL@@ police chief, @@RANDOMNAME3@@. “A few more officers would be useful around here, so why not start ‘em young? Teach children gun safety and guide them into the police force, of course. Let them have handguns when they’ve passed and watch both your problems and mine get solved.”
[Effect] children arrest class clowns

[Option 4] "Or we could just pretend we care about it." interjects the Deputy Minister of Pleasing Everyone, @@RANDOMNAME4@@, fully convinced @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@ can't hear @@HIM@@. "Just release an official statement saying people should be careful with weapons and discourage breaking gun safety rules. We can placate worrywarts without alienating gun-loving @@DENONYMPLURAL@@. Everyone's happy this way!"
[Effect] @@LEADER@@ speaks in vague statements and loopholes

[Title] And a Cartridge in a Pear Tree

[Validity] Must not have Gun Control, must have high Weaponization, must be capitalist

[Description] After a controversial ad where prominent arms company Smith & Maxson showcased an eight-year-old child holding an assault rifle as part of a promotion for the holidays and a major news story where a young kid shot his eye out, a survey has revealed a rapidly increasing trend of more kids being gifted weapons for Maxxmas each year.

[Option 1] "This is outrageous!" exclaims concerned parent @@RANDOMNAME1@@, holding a hand over @@HIS@@ son's eye, the other covered by an eyepatch. "We're going to have children toting machine guns at school any day now! What's after that? Tanks? You must ban all weapons from being given to children immediately before this gets any worse."
[Effect] handing a child a butter knife is a criminal offense

[Validity] must have an army
[Option 2a] "What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Barry lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get you a discount on the next round of military weapons."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] must not have an army
[Option 2b] “What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Smith & Maxson, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Maxson, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not appease everyone, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Barry lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get some more factories in @@NAME@@. You know, boost the economy and all."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] Must have police
[Option 3] "Where you see a problem, I see a solution.", eagerly states @@CAPITAL@@ police chief, @@RANDOMNAME3@@. “A few more officers would be useful around here, so why not start ‘em young? Teach children gun safety and guide them into the police force, of course. Let them have handguns when they’ve passed and watch both your problems and mine get solved.”
[Effect] children carry pistols - and full documentation - to elementary school

[Option 4] "Or we could just pretend we care about it." interjects the Deputy Minister of Pleasing Everyone, @@RANDOMNAME4@@, fully convinced @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@ can't hear @@HIM@@. "Just release an official statement saying people should be careful with weapons and discourage breaking gun safety rules. We can placate worrywarts without alienating gun-loving @@DENONYMPLURAL@@. Everyone is happy this way!"
[Effect] @@LEADER@@ speaks in vague statements and loopholes

[Title] And a Cartridge in a Pear Tree

[Validity] Must not have Gun Control, must have high Weaponization, must be capitalist

[Description] After a controversial ad where prominent arms company Lockheed Barry showcased an eight-year-old child holding an assault rifle as part of a promotion for the holidays and a major news story where a young kid shot his eye out, a survey has revealed a concerning trend of more kids being gifted weapons for Maxxmas each year.

[Option 1] "This is outrageous!" exclaims concerned parent @@RANDOMNAME1@@, holding a hand over @@HIS@@ son's eye, the other covered by an eyepatch. "We're going to have children toting machine guns at school any day now! What's after that? Tanks? You must ban all weapons from being given to children immediately before this gets any worse."
[Effect] handing a child a butter knife is a criminal offense

[Validity] must have an army
[Option 2a] "What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Lockheed Barry, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Barry, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not exactly be conventional gifts, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Barry lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get you a discount on the next round of military weapons."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] must not have an army
[Option 2b] “What's the problem here?" scoffs the CEO of Lockheed Barry, @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ Barry, shooting an annoyed look at @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@. "My products may not exactly be conventional gifts, but the market has decided it wants some Maxxmas cheer, and I won't say no." Barry lowers @@HIS@@ voice to a mere whisper. "And hey, if you agree, maybe I could get you a discount should you need it."
[Effect] interest in coronal replacement surgery is at an all-time high

[Validity] Must have police
[Option 3] "Where you see a problem, I see a solution.", eagerly states @@CAPITAL@@ police chief, @@RANDOMNAME3@@. “A few more officers would be useful around here, so why not start ‘em young? Teach children gun safety and guide them into the police force, of course. Let them have handguns when they’ve passed and watch both your problems and mine get solved.”
[Effect] children carry pistols - and full documentation - to elementary school

[Option 4] "Or we could just pretend we care about it." interjects the Deputy Minister of Pleasing Everyone, @@RANDOMNAME4@@, fully convinced @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME1@@ can't hear @@HIM@@. "Just release an official statement saying people should be careful with weapons and discourage breaking gun safety rules. We can placate worrywarts without alienating gun-loving @@DENONYMPLURAL@@. Everyone is happy this way!"
[Effect] @@LEADER@@ speaks in vague statements and loopholes

[Omnicontrol]

Going to bump this since I haven't received any feedback. I've also fixed a couple of formatting issues that went over me while proofreading.

[Verdant Haven]

- Description: the description would benefit from an extra comma or two, or possibly being broken into multiple sentences. What qualifies the survey results as disturbing? Don't pre-suppose the Leader's opinion on this matter. Lockheed-Martin is an interesting choice here... they certainly are an arms manufacturer, but much more in the combat aircraft and guided missile sense than that of small arms. Is the company expy necessary?

- Option 1: this feels like it's starting from a position of "this is already bad and lots of bad things are happening" but we haven't been introduced to that idea. A news story about a kid shooting his eye out is a tragedy, but it doesn't tell us that we've got a major "guns at school" situation happening, or imminent. The speaker needs to take us from A to B before we can reach conclusion C.

- Option 2a/b: It seems like they are rapidly becoming conventional gifts. Rather than having the CEO undermine his own product, have him throw support behind it. Again, this feels like the issue is assuming that is an obvious problem, which regardless of any of our real world feelings on the matter, we cannot assume in NS.

- Option 2b: The discount concept is a bit less clear-cut when it doesn't seem to apply to anything specific. Rather than just cutting the military aspect, can it be replaced with something else?

- Option 3: We may also need a safety validity if we're assuming this highly weaponized nation doesn't already have gun safety classes. I'd like to see this option massaged a bit to have a more fleshed-out narrative.

- Option 4: This is fine, but as I so often do, I'm going to suggest some more motivation be added here. Why (specifically) do we care about placating everyone instead of taking a position on the dilemma?

[Omnicontrol]

- Description: the description would benefit from an extra comma or two, or possibly being broken into multiple sentences. What qualifies the survey results as disturbing? Don't pre-suppose the Leader's opinion on this matter. Lockheed-Martin is an interesting choice here... they certainly are an arms manufacturer, but much more in the combat aircraft and guided missile sense than that of small arms. Is the company expy necessary?

- Option 1: this feels like it's starting from a position of "this is already bad and lots of bad things are happening" but we haven't been introduced to that idea. A news story about a kid shooting his eye out is a tragedy, but it doesn't tell us that we've got a major "guns at school" situation happening, or imminent. The speaker needs to take us from A to B before we can reach conclusion C.

- Option 2a/b: It seems like they are rapidly becoming conventional gifts. Rather than having the CEO undermine his own product, have him throw support behind it. Again, this feels like the issue is assuming that is an obvious problem, which regardless of any of our real world feelings on the matter, we cannot assume in NS.

- Option 2b: The discount concept is a bit less clear-cut when it doesn't seem to apply to anything specific. Rather than just cutting the military aspect, can it be replaced with something else?

- Option 3: We may also need a safety validity if we're assuming this highly weaponized nation doesn't already have gun safety classes. I'd like to see this option massaged a bit to have a more fleshed-out narrative.

- Option 4: This is fine, but as I so often do, I'm going to suggest some more motivation be added here. Why (specifically) do we care about placating everyone instead of taking a position on the dilemma?

Thanks for the feedback VH! I'll make sure to look this over later in the evening since I've been really busy these past few days.

[Australian rePublic]

Do we have to call it "Maxxmas?" Why can't we just call it 'The Holidays?"

[Omnicontrol]

Do we have to call it "Maxxmas?" Why can't we just call it 'The Holidays?"

I've seen it called Maxxmas before, if it bothers anyone I can change it but I doubt that's the most important part here

- Description: the description would benefit from an extra comma or two, or possibly being broken into multiple sentences. What qualifies the survey results as disturbing? Don't pre-suppose the Leader's opinion on this matter. Lockheed-Martin is an interesting choice here... they certainly are an arms manufacturer, but much more in the combat aircraft and guided missile sense than that of small arms. Is the company expy necessary?

- Option 1: this feels like it's starting from a position of "this is already bad and lots of bad things are happening" but we haven't been introduced to that idea. A news story about a kid shooting his eye out is a tragedy, but it doesn't tell us that we've got a major "guns at school" situation happening, or imminent. The speaker needs to take us from A to B before we can reach conclusion C.

- Option 2a/b: It seems like they are rapidly becoming conventional gifts. Rather than having the CEO undermine his own product, have him throw support behind it. Again, this feels like the issue is assuming that is an obvious problem, which regardless of any of our real world feelings on the matter, we cannot assume in NS.

- Option 2b: The discount concept is a bit less clear-cut when it doesn't seem to apply to anything specific. Rather than just cutting the military aspect, can it be replaced with something else?

- Option 3: We may also need a safety validity if we're assuming this highly weaponized nation doesn't already have gun safety classes. I'd like to see this option massaged a bit to have a more fleshed-out narrative.

- Option 4: This is fine, but as I so often do, I'm going to suggest some more motivation be added here. Why (specifically) do we care about placating everyone instead of taking a position on the dilemma?

Now that I'm finally free from exams I'll get deeper into this.
- Description: I could try a pun on Glock or some other company if that's better. I can also change the wording on the survey part. I do like the company pun as "a major company" feels too vague IMO.
- Option 1: I added "at school" because since children like to seem cool in front of their mates (and spend most of their time in school), it'd make sense that at least some hid a gun in their backpack that they got under the tree. The speaker is meant to be extreme and overprotective, so that's why it might seem like a reach.
- Option 2a/2b: I do agree that they are becoming conventional gifts, I'll tweak the wording. I can also change the discount part to something like more production in @@NAME@@ for 2b. I'll get to adding this.
- Option 3: They probably have gun safety classes, but not for children. I haven't seen many gun classes marketed to children that teach much safety. It's also meant to be police-sponsored to encourage the kids to join the cops later on.
- Option 4: I definitely had another option with a similar angle a couple of days ago and forgot, but this is meant to be the classic "meet in the middle" solution lots of earlier issues have. If anyone has any suggestions to add a new angle or make it a bit clearer I can change it.

EDIT: and there it goes, added!

[Omnicontrol]

Bumping this, still got quite a bit to go before it's ready IMO.

[Omnicontrol]

I am once again asking for your financial support feedback.

[Omnicontrol]

Yet another bump.

[Omnicontrol]

And... Fourth bump in a row as it's once again fallen off into the second page >_>

[Omnicontrol]

Changed a couple of things, namely in options 1 and 2b. Would appreciate some feedback.

[Verdant Haven]

- Description: The text can be tightened up a bit through re-ordering and punctuation, but the premise is now solid and workable.

- Option 2a/b: What's the government action being undertaken or requested here? There's an offer by the speaker to do something, but it's not clear what @@LEADER@@ is doing in return. Not doing anything is the Dismiss button. It looks like the former name ("Barry") stuck around through the edit, but ought now to be a callback to @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ in both of them.

- Effect 3: As the idea seems to focus on having children sworn in as law enforcement, I feel like there could be more humor here. Arrests for cutting in lunch line, perhaps? That sort of thing.

- Option 4: I still feel like this needs a bit more explanation about the motivation for faking a response. "Everyone's happy this way" is fairly tenuous without an understanding of how and why this effort should be put in, but not something else.

[Omnicontrol]

- Description: The text can be tightened up a bit through re-ordering and punctuation, but the premise is now solid and workable.

- Option 2a/b: What's the government action being undertaken or requested here? There's an offer by the speaker to do something, but it's not clear what @@LEADER@@ is doing in return. Not doing anything is the Dismiss button. It looks like the former name ("Barry") stuck around through the edit, but ought now to be a callback to @@RANDOMFIRSTNAME2@@ in both of them.

- Effect 3: As the idea seems to focus on having children sworn in as law enforcement, I feel like there could be more humor here. Arrests for cutting in lunch line, perhaps? That sort of thing.

- Option 4: I still feel like this needs a bit more explanation about the motivation for faking a response. "Everyone's happy this way" is fairly tenuous without an understanding of how and why this effort should be put in, but not something else.

I'm glad the description is up to standards.

As for Options 2, they're meant to be some sort of bribe. If you let Maxson get away with it, they'll give you some sort of reward (discounts on military weapons if you have a military, and more factories in your nation if you don't). The Barry thing totally slipped past, I'll make sure to change it.

The feedback on the effect line for option 3 is really nice and I'll be looking for a good punchline with that concept.

Option 4 is basically virtue signaling - the Deputy Minister wants you to put out some vague statement to try and please everyone. The "everyone's happy this way" part is meant to be ironic (even though the speaker fully believes it), although if you or anyone else has a good idea to make it better (or I come up with one) I can change it.

[Verdant Haven]

As for Options 2, they're meant to be some sort of bribe. If you let Maxson get away with it, they'll give you some sort of reward (discounts on military weapons if you have a military, and more factories in your nation if you don't). The Barry thing totally slipped past, I'll make sure to change it.

They're already doing the thing in question, so hitting the dismiss button *is* letting them get away with it. They will do this thing *unless* you actively stop them. An affirmative response here should "Yes, and" the situation - let them get away with it, *and* do something further that benefits them. Then the bribe is warranted.

[Omnicontrol]

As for Options 2, they're meant to be some sort of bribe. If you let Maxson get away with it, they'll give you some sort of reward (discounts on military weapons if you have a military, and more factories in your nation if you don't). The Barry thing totally slipped past, I'll make sure to change it.

They're already doing the thing in question, so hitting the dismiss button *is* letting them get away with it. They will do this thing *unless* you actively stop them. An affirmative response here should "Yes, and" the situation - let them get away with it, *and* do something further that benefits them. Then the bribe is warranted.

That seems like a good idea - it's a bit late over here so I'll get to it tomorrow, thanks for the feedback

[Omnicontrol]

They're already doing the thing in question, so hitting the dismiss button *is* letting them get away with it. They will do this thing *unless* you actively stop them. An affirmative response here should "Yes, and" the situation - let them get away with it, *and* do something further that benefits them. Then the bribe is warranted.

That seems like a good idea - it's a bit late over here so I'll get to it tomorrow, thanks for the feedback

Oops, it ended up taking a bit more than tomorrow. School's a real pain in the ass. Anyways, that's added and we're on draft four now.