[DRAFT]Lung time no see+other christmas drafts

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A well known candy brand in @@NAME@@ called Zinder recently came up with an innovative idea to hide toys inside chocolate eggs filled with hazelnut cream. As Maxxmas season approaches, reports of children swallowing the egg whole and asphyxiating are becoming more and more common. Caretakers and guardians are rallying for this toy to be banned and recalled before another dumb baby becomes a casualty.

1: "Yeah, why don't you just listen to the public and ban those?" Yells your sister as she sips her hot cocoa. Less people will complain, and the company's been evading taxes anyway." You go silent in response to your sister's sudden accusation. "Yeah, you better look into that too."

Fraudsters can take businesses to court by swallowing silica gels

2: "Come on, what child is dumb enough to swallow the whole egg?" Yells mother of five @@RANDOMNAME_FEMALE@@ as she crosses paths with you at a department store. "Honestly, if they do, their parents should have paid attention to their kid, instead of staring blankly as they down a quarter pound of plastic. Leave us responsible parents out of this, or frankly, any product at all! I've seen so many cheap brands go out of business because of these safety guidelines!" You see her go cross eyed as she stares at five baby monitors at once.

Parents usually carry geiger counters while shopping for baby food

3: "dude just poke holes through those eggs" a comment displays on an online forum. "bro yeah, then if they swallow it, air will still go through" shows a reply below it. It hadn't even occurred to you how good the idea is until you read another comment: "No way, it should be standard industry practice to put holes in everything!" You fawn at the intelligence of this user and the utopia your nation will become after applying it as law.

Nickelodeon's lawyers will be fed for years as every brand's mascot looks identical to spongejeff squaretrousers

Draft 2: The night best before Maxxmas

T'was the night before ChristMaxxmas when all through your office, not a creature was stirring, except for your aide, shaking you awake as she hands you your phone. Urgently, you shake your eyes open and mumble into the microphone. Santa Claus is on the line and breaks the devastating news to you about an abrupt stomach bug, which forced him to take a detour at a air base. After his stomach was pumped, the surgeons and nurses discovered five hundred expired cookies, three hundred kilograms of tapeworm pudding and fifteen gallons of colourful milk in his stomach. You roll towards your computer and to your horror, his story might not be far off, as @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ were posting on social media, dated food out of carelessness, with the habit crossing into things such as food bank donations and school bake sales.

1:"Ho ho h-hGAWK PTOOAH-" admits Santa Claus. "O-oh yeah, sorry, I'm getting better but I might be out for the rest of christmas! What will happen to all the boys and girls with no toys to play with on christMaxxmas day? Ugh... *sniffle* @@LEADER@@..." His sobbing ends abruptly, and a twinge of hope starts entering his voice again. "Wait... @@LEADER@@, @@LEADER@@!!! @@LEADER@@, with your air force so, we can save christMaxxmas! Will you get those guys to help distribute them for me? Please, think of the boys and girls..."

The @@DENONYM@@ Air force is targeting airstrikes at those on the naughty list

2: "That's all jolly and all but what if it happens next year again? This doesn't do anything to address the real problem, which is people donating expired food!" Yells a hospital director, pouring concentrations of eggnog into blood bags for Santa's blood transfusion."Why don't you make it a crime, and create some sort of public information program to stop people from donating stale bread and ex-edible food?"

Tapeworms are only found in zoos

3: "Santa's dead?" says your general, Ebenezer Roberts Scrooge, who is on the naughty list for his various war crimes. "Hohohohohoho, Delightful!!!!" He looks around the room, noticing the faces of anger and disgust at his reaction. He clears his throat, "I-i-i was just hohohoing to honour his uhhhh memory!!! Can I talk with @@LEADER@@ for a moment?" He whispers into your ear. "Have you heard the rumours? Santa has a ton of weird magical trinkets. We can use his crystal ball to discover enemy positions, we can enlist his elves, and with him out of the way, we can pretend to be him to deliver presents to enemy chimneys with BOMBS IN THEM!"

The grinch has nuclear launch codes

[Floofybit]

I assume you mean @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@?

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Yeah mb

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added a second issue

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I don't know if there are issues that overlap or contradict these but I have received nearly all of them. The second one might be kinda the same as the food cleanliness issue and I dont know if people donating expired food to non profits and food banks makes it different enough

Thinking about making the second issues name "his appendix grew three sizes"

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edited

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Gonna post this on another thread

It's an awfully hot christmas day, with a fully clear sky and the sun on full blast, seemingly displeased at you. As you walk past the rows of sunburned snowmen and stranded snowmobiles, you wonder if the weather was from a nuclear blast. You don't notice anything off until you reach the entrance of your office, where you see a very grumpy Santa in handcuffs. arrested for illegally operating an aircraft.

"What is the charge?" Booms Santa, resisting arrest. "Driving a sleigh? A supersonic velvet sleigh?" The group looks at you as you approach them. "Oh, Hello there youngster, can you get these naughty ruffians to get me out of this headlock?" The police keep searching the yule-tide joyrider. "And you, young man... are you waiting to receive coal for christmas? HEY- GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY BUNS!" The officer performing an unprompted cavity check on him freezes

With his new immunity, Santa can be seen shamelessly snorting methamphetamines to deliver presents faster

"Come on ya jiggly delinquent!" Your chief of police yells as he attempts to squeeze the big boy into a holding cell. "You violated the law, presents or not!" He turns to see you again. "You really wanna free this man? He knows air vehicles are against the law! Tell me how this man, flawlessly dodging our air defenses with that sleigh of his, isn't up to something? If he's that confident then let him face court!"

Santa is extorting the jury with coal for christmas.

You know, the whole reason we outlawed aircraft was because of the noise and carbon emissions they produced," recalls a member of parliament shuffling a 67 page document. "I mean, if santa's sleigh is so silent it keeps everyone asleep, and is pulled by reindeer, why would it be against the law? Same thing goes for airplanes, we could ban the big noisy planes, but isn't it reasonable to allow quieter and more eco-friendly ones?

Airplanes in @@NAME@@ are pedal propelled.

[Australian rePublic]

Why is @@NAME@@ behind the rest of the world with kinder eggs?