____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
MASSLIN STARS
Started a whole minute ago by our earliest ancestor, we are determined to review high-quality cuisine and place it on this index. We send a team of high-quality critics, taste testers and journalists into every restaurant catalogued on this list, sometimes undercover, to produce comprehensive reviews on each location over the food, the experience, and most importantly, the price.
Our founder is a high-ranking chef based in the nation of Kors, training and perfecting his techniques, and carries a vault of incredible skill and quality advice to improve your restaurants anywhere. He is however, of a low profile, so don't expect to see him, unless your restaurant blows him away. He ranks each restaurant using three main factors: 1, the quality and taste of the food, which can encompass presentation, cleanliness and creativity, 2, the experience, such as the quality of the restaurant, the entertainment and the environment, and 3, the price. Nobody wants to go to a restaurant that costs 500 thousand dollars.
Even if the food is good.
1 star: This restaurant is fine, and is proficient in one of the categories above, however mediocre or bad in other categories. 2 stars: This restaurant is really good in 2 out of 3 categories and the food or experience are worth planning for spots during a vacation 3 stars: This restaurant is great in all three categories, and you should plan a trip surrounding the restaurant.OUR CURRENT RANKING
1.
MASSLIN CROWN:
Mossex Antiques
Approaching over a grassy hill, I was welcomed by the warm restaurant perched atop a sandy street, surrounded by clay buildings. Upon entering, we noticed a huge sign, which was kind of large but unpleasant. I was seated and I was given my menu, where the dishes looked warm and well made, despite being piled onto a plate. There was a band playing, and the air was arid. The waiter offered me a glass of camel milk which tasted frothy and flavourful. I tasted mint and cardamom which helped cool the drink, along with mango and a bit of fennel, topped with even more whipped camel milk.
The main course was a braised leg of pork in a soup, with crystals of sugar and spices, with a side of crushed olive tartine, which was unusual, but it looked as if it were glowing, which I have never seen before in my one other restaurant I've reviewed. Complemented by the band and performers, which were all amazing, the entire restaurant was a feast on the senses. It was quite salty, but the cut was tender and the meat would almost melt into the soup. It was incredibly filling and the portion size was quite large. Once I was finished the last bits of meat in the bowl, the waiter tossed it over everybodies heads, where it shattered into a bin of other broken plates. I was confused, but after going outside, I noticed that the "dishwashers", which were talented glassblowers making bowls straight from the sand outside were perfuming the glasses with smoked cedar. After getting dessert, which was a cheesecake with cardamom and star anise, I headed inside to talk with the head chef, along with the rest of the crew inside. First, I asked them about why they threw the glass outside:
He claimed that they blow and reblow the glass by hand, and waft wood fumes into the glass to give the food a unique smokey flavour which I have never tasted elsewhere before. They grind it all in a pestle that they claim is a well-kept secret, and they all work six days a week, with one off for church, with the exception of the "dishwashers", who would take shifts. The sparkling fluid is also a secret, as the olive was cooked in a very specific oven with a very specific technique that would cause it to produce light.
The chef and waiters were well behaved, and he suggested I go up on stage to announce their MASSLIN rating. I have decided, to give it
3 stars, everything was very well made and their dishblowing method would probably look unsanitary, but the heat from the furnace clears everything much better than any conventional dishwasher would. The smoked dishes was an absolute thrill to experience, as my heart nearly stopped when he tossed it, barely missing the heads of other patrons and landing in the room. It might be a novelty, but it did make the food taste better, and gave it a unique, sweet taste, from the cedar smoke. The band was also great.
2.
Dummy Food
I was pleasantly surprised as I rolled up to the parking lot. Entering the restaurant I noticed tons of firearms and ammunition scattered around, but in a decorative and aesthetically pleasing way. They also had tons of realistic food all over which gave this restaurant a really fun, chaotic theme. I noticed a huge problem however, where people would shepherd thousands of hippoes for a single capri sun, which filled the air with hippo scent and made transactions quite difficult, but this is likely no fault of the restaurant, and probably just an oversight for the nation.
They have hanging leaves and ammo boxes that I could sit on, and I was able to get a nice hippoblood wine, as well as order their specialty, the hippo heart. This was absolutely delicious. I felt the food fall apart in my mouth and I could taste the juiciness of the heart, surrounded by tons of mango with tahin, pear and coconut, along with being served with durian, which made it taste incredibly complicated and amazing. I could feel so much and I was very happy with the texture and flavour, as well as the huge portion, where they would serve a whole heart with coconut milk and mango puree. I left to pay, however, I was slightly dazed seeing their cash register, which was a huge warehouse filled with millions of hippoes, which was bigger than the rest of the restaurant. The experience was fine, but I would have rather had something more piece and quiet, because the sound from the hippoes was so loud I can still hear them echoing in my skull today.
Overall, great experience, but definitely something that isn't for everyone, I would say
1 star
I guarantee I would go again if I didn't have to pay with a conga line of hippoes with the dollar symbol cattle branded on them.
Food: 1
Experience: 0
Price: 0
This was definitely a great restaurant, it was filled and adorned with tons of great decorations and the wait staff were dressed incredibly well. As soon as I entered, I was injected by psychedelics and saw a talking rabbit telling me my order, which I gave. I decided to order a few chocolate biscuits and an almond cheesecake with mashed beetroot. After looking at the ceiling, I was greeted by tons of incredible art which had a bunch of ancient pictures. The more I looked however, the more unsettling it became.
I was given my first course, and the almond cheesecake was fine, and buttery, but the beetroot was much better in my opinion, it had a sweet, sour flavour that complimented it really well, however I was disappointed to find out I was given a single teaspoon of it, and a cheesecake that looked as if it were bisected.
The main course was a venison stew, where turned out fine, it was pretty gamey with some carrots and beef, but I don't understand why they would put the mashed potatoes directly inside the stew. It was a huge, gloopy mess that looked like it was kneaded, and it had an incredibly strong, overpowering truffle flavour that was much worse than I recall. Disappointing, and it shattered the fantasy the restaurant gave me. Eventually, I said goodbye to the rabbit and left my tip, and I was immediately arrested for driving under the influence of LSD.
1 star for experience
Food: 0
Experience: 1
Price: 0
Our chefs have reviewed this restaurant, and were shocked to be redirected to Doordash, where the burgers came out of a communion kitchen.
Food: 0
Experience: 0
Price: 1
3.
Enter this application below to receive a review of your restaurant.
- Code: Select all
Application:
Nation name: *nation name*
Restaurant name: *restaurant name*
Restaurant location/address: *restaurant location/address*
Restaurant theme: *cuisine or theming of the restaurant*
Your nation's etiquette: *Please tell us the customs in your nation, so we don't offend people*
Restaurant's specialty dish:
Does your restaurant have free parking?
sponsored by the Nutrient Brick compound
