[CITATION] Fig paste is known to cure cancer

[Enzonar]

Studies on patients with cancer, specifically from the nation RJ805sere based on using certain compounds to reduce the affects of it have been made, sponsored by the Enzonarian blood department. As written below, this document lists the results completed by the scientists working within Enzonar, who have found positive correlations with fig paste and reducing the effects of it.

1: Subjects were given three spoons of fig paste every day, increasing the dosage by one spoon every day to allow them to be accustomed to the diet for 30 days. Spoon=30 grams

Subjects are expected to have reduced levels of cancer cells and increased health.

Subject 1: Refused to eat on day 27, noticed significant growth within the body as their body mass has increased, which has reduced the ratio of cancer to body mass from 0.0175% of total body weight to 0.0143%. Subject's mass increased from 140 to 270 pounds.

Known side effects include repulsion and fear of Enzonarian scientists providing the spoons to the subject, as well as increased blood pressure, likely from excitement over not having cancer.

Subject 2: Refused to eat on day 19, subject was violent and would consume a stain left on the corner of the laboratory, which would result in the study being terminated. Subject is still within site 73, where they are being kept well and fed figs. Subject was known to have better health and would increase from 150 to 180 pounds. The cancer inside was of the liver, which has decreased in activity after the stain, which has been reduced after subject consumed the stain, which contained dimethyl sulfide and sulfuric and hydrochloric acid, which had eaten a hole through the stomach lining and dissolved half the liver. The amount of cancer cells in the liver had decreased from 3 billion to 1 billion. The incident was considered an independent variable, however scientists have found it unlikely that the acid eating through the liver had anything to do with the reduced liver cancer within the subject.

Subject 3's results were not considered due to subject 1 and 2 confirming the hypothesis that fig paste can cure cancer.

Summary: Fig paste can cure cancer.

Approved by Enzonarian Blood Department.

[TURTLESHROOM II]

"...fig paste."

Doctor Sue Papi looked up from the paper laying in front of her, and around the veterinary, herpetological* surgical department. As was usual when she was reading a white paper or medical document, she had puled her legs and tail into her shell and left only her neck out, scanning her beady eyes over the papers. Various sighing turtles caked in visible tumors were being wheeled around by humans on stretchers as turtles with equipment mounted on their heads inspected and collected samples.

It was another day in the Noah's Ark Center for the Veterinary Medicine of Sentient** Creatures, and fibropapillomatosis was flaring up once more. While most commonly associated with non-sapient sea turtles, the disease, caused by a form of herpes, has a similar, but differentiated, strain that exists in TurtleShroom. Perhaps mutated over the centuries by TurtleShroom's large uranium deposits, the disease caused the same symptoms in sapient turtles as it does in sea turtles.

The cure for this, of course, is surgery. Turtle herpes tumors can grow anywhere on a turtle's body, or inside it, and while some are just ugly, severe cases can be debilitating and kill the turtle by impediment of natural organ function. The herpes virus in question directly causes cells to take on cancerous properties, rapidly dividing, but all tumors present are benign, and incapable of metastasizing.

Obviously, while turtle medics can do plenty of prescriptions and diagnostics, surgery is strictly done by men. Turtles don't have thumbs or free hands and mushrooms naturally shed spores that taint a sterile operating room, so neither can do so.

For the past seventy years, Doctor Sue has been a leading researcher in the study of turtle herpes, spending decades of her long life analyzing samples, trying cures, and writing prescriptions. She had seen many turtles covered in hideous, white scars from a hundred years or more of ablative surgery, the oldest of which were themselves the guinea pigs to perfect the procedure in the middle of the nineteenth century. Turtles were often embarrassed of their scales, legs, and faces being covered in bright white marks, because scarring did not carry the image of respect, survival, and heroism that it carried among TurtleShroomian humans, nor did it look cool in turtle culture.

The revelation that fig paste could treat cancer intrigued Sue. While she obviously smelled a rat when it said it could cure cancers in men, figs have been proven, when replacing sugar, to lessen herpes flare-ups. Perhaps fig paste could work here?

Doctor Sue was excited to consider this matter. She had to write to the researchers right away!

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HOLY INCORRUPTIBLE TSARDOM OF TURTLESHROOM
PRIVATE SECTOR
MEDICAL
NOAH'S ARK CENTER FOR VETERINARY MEDICINE OF SENTIENT CREATURES
DOOLEYVILLE, DIXIEGRAD PARISH, TURTLESHROOM


TO THE DOCTORS AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ENZONARIAN BLOOD DEPARTMENT:

Peace be with you, and may God, the Great Physician, guide your doctors' hands for the exaltation of His Glory through their work in healing the sick. I have studied the formation of benign tumors and the rapid division of cells forming those tumors for decades. In my country, there exists a herpes virus that causes fibropapillomatosis in the turtle populations of the realm.

Fibropapillomatosis is a virus that directly corrupts cells into division (just like cancer), causing benign tumors to rapidly form and expand on and inside the turtle's body. Our herpetologists and veterinarians can only remedy the disease through consistent application of ablative surgery. Herpes-friendly diets that work on humans don't necessarily work on turtles, so many turtles with the disease come in yearly to get their tumors extracted. Figs are known to fight herpes flair ups, so when I came across your study, claiming that an extremely rare species of fig, native to a single nation, could stop the growth of cancerous tumors, I had to investigate.

If you are interested in furthering research, I would like to have the privilege of forwarding your study to my peoples' oncology centers for reciprocation, on the condition that you supply the special figs. My friends in agriculture have noted that the figs in question cannot be grown naturally in TurtleShroomian soil, so any imports would require connections to Rj-805-sere Land. We do not have these connections in TurtleShroom, but your people do.

In the interest of the furtherance of science and the advancement of medicine for all God's creatures, I hope that you can dispatch further details in your studies to me, that I may attempt to use the same Rj-805-sere figs to treat the tumors of fibropapillomatosis. My goal would be to see if they can stop tumors from growing. My control group would be turtles with extreme tumor growth, and then the experimental group would eat fig paste at the dosage you gave them, adjusted for the body of giant turtles, of course. I would analyze how many tumors they grew and how many surgeries were needed over a decade, and conclude the results.

I am willing to pay whatever it takes to be able to do this. This could bea ground-breaking discovery in the world of turtle herpes, and may even help our human's cancer survival as well. I hope that you will read this letter and respond to me as fast as possible.

God bless you.


Yours in service to the Great Physician,
-DOCTOR SUE PAP, DVM.

* = Herpetology is the study of reptiles.

** = Historically, "sentient" and "sapient" were synonyms.

[Enzonar]

Dear Sue papi,

Enzonar is willing to sell you nutrient bricks to help with the herpestologists in your nation. We would like to provide a discount of 4.50 dollars per brick.
I promise they are soft and tender, and they taste amazing, along with containing sodium and other compounds to increase your patients energies.

I am very sympathetic towards your cause, and we will provide them so long as you tattoo advertisements on those patients,

Signed,

Marcus Winfrey

[TURTLESHROOM II]

I am very sympathetic towards your cause, and we will provide them so long as you tattoo advertisements on those patients

HOLY INCORRUPTIBLE TSARDOM OF TURTLESHROOM
PRIVATE SECTOR
MEDICAL
NOAH'S ARK CENTER FOR VETERINARY MEDICINE OF SENTIENT CREATURES
DOOLEYVILLE, DIXIEGRAD PARISH, TURTLESHROOM


TO THE DOCTORS AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ENZONARIAN BLOOD DEPARTMENT:

It is illegal to require or compel the use of tattoos for any transaction or action unless mandated by a court of law, and tattoos themselves are hated in TurtleShroomian culture, being associated with crime.

We instead propose an alternative: perhaps we could display the logos of your corporations in our laboratories and clinics when the fig paste is used, and give away shirts, stickers, and paraphenalia with your logo on them to patients who are given the fig paste? You won't be charged for us to print your logo on those shirts, of course.



Yours in service to the Great Physician,
-DOCTOR SUE PAP, DVM.

[Enzonar]

I am very sympathetic towards your cause, and we will provide them so long as you tattoo advertisements on those patients

HOLY INCORRUPTIBLE TSARDOM OF TURTLESHROOM
PRIVATE SECTOR
MEDICAL
NOAH'S ARK CENTER FOR VETERINARY MEDICINE OF SENTIENT CREATURES
DOOLEYVILLE, DIXIEGRAD PARISH, TURTLESHROOM


TO THE DOCTORS AND GENTLEMEN OF THE ENZONARIAN BLOOD DEPARTMENT:

It is illegal to require or compel the use of tattoos for any transaction or action unless mandated by a court of law, and tattoos themselves are hated in TurtleShroomian culture, being associated with crime.

We instead propose an alternative: perhaps we could display the logos of your corporations in our laboratories and clinics when the fig paste is used, and give away shirts, stickers, and paraphenalia with your logo on them to patients who are given the fig paste? You won't be charged for us to print your logo on those shirts, of course.



Yours in service to the Great Physician,
-DOCTOR SUE PAP, DVM.

DEAR Dr. Sue Pap:

That is completely fine, and Enzonar will provide shipment of nutrient bricks to TURTLESHROOM,

I am wondering if instead of a tattoo, ENZONAR would be able to implant an unobtrusive radio within the patient's inner body that produces a sound in the patient's voice, saying: "I love nutrient bricks, they cured my cancer, buy at least 25!"

This isn't a request by me specifically, this is a request by the Enzonarian blood department, and it should be a lot more obscure and culturally appropriate for your people.

Thank you, sending shipment right away,

Marcus Winfrey

Please call into Enzonar Nutrient Bricks to confirm:
HYPERLINK

[TURTLESHROOM II]

I am wondering if instead of a tattoo, ENZONAR would be able to implant an unobtrusive radio within the patient's inner body that produces a sound in the patient's voice, saying:

This isn't a request by me specifically, this is a request by the Enzonarian blood department, and it should be a lot more obscure and culturally appropriate for your people.

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RE:

I'll admit, I laughed. You have a great sense of humor.

I'll humor the joke, though: micro-chip implants and things that interfere with one's body, as well as things that send and receive signals in the body, such as that, are illegal, and I cannot, as a veterinarian, implant such a thing in good conscience or good standing with the law.

Also, due to the lack of testing in TurtleShroom and the infancy of the study of your mystical fig paste, we cannot claim it "cures cancer," either. However, after my tests are done, God willing, we'll be able to say: "I love nutrient bricks, they slowed my tumor growth, buy at least twenty-five!"

The shipments should be arriving next week. I can't wait to begin preliminary tests!


[Enzonar]

I am wondering if instead of a tattoo, ENZONAR would be able to implant an unobtrusive radio within the patient's inner body that produces a sound in the patient's voice, saying:

This isn't a request by me specifically, this is a request by the Enzonarian blood department, and it should be a lot more obscure and culturally appropriate for your people.

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RE:

I'll admit, I laughed. You have a great sense of humor.

I'll humor the joke, though: micro-chip implants and things that interfere with one's body, as well as things that send and receive signals in the body, such as that, are illegal, and I cannot, as a veterinarian, implant such a thing in good conscience or good standing with the law.

Also, due to the lack of testing in TurtleShroom and the infancy of the study of your mystical fig paste, we cannot claim it "cures cancer," either. However, after my tests are done, God willing, we'll be able to say: "I love nutrient bricks, they slowed my tumor growth, buy at least twenty-five!"

The shipments should be arriving next week. I can't wait to begin preliminary tests!


Dear Turtleshroom II,

We do appreciate your willingness to advertise our product on shirts and such, but we are currently attempting to produce more coercive advertisement techniques that involve automemetic coercion, in simpler terms, we don't know if we are willing to send it until we reach an advertising method that does not go against your conscience or morality. We have found a method that could work?

We would like to implant a specific chemical which smells of Nutrient Bricks, which produces a flavourless scent which automatically neurally transmits the "I love nutrient bricks, they slowed my tumour growth, by at least twenty five!" along with placing them inside classrooms and placing advertisements that resemble lost health cards that claim their cancer is cured using nutrient bricks in packages of staple goods such as flour and milk, along with putting the lost credit card in between fast food burgers.

We have also suggested producing a genetic alteration that would cause peoples' stomachs to grumble the words: "I love nutrient bricks" and have babies born with birthmarks in the shape of text that says: "I love nutrient bricks!"

Let me know how it goes, and which one suits you

[TURTLESHROOM II]

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!

The jokes are getting creepy now, I'll say that. Gene editing of sapient beings and "gene therapy" are illegal in TurtleShroom, strictly so. The pheromone scent things that make people hungry for nutrient bricks aren't illegal, I don't think, but I don't know the laws on all of that. Schools in TurtleShroom are charter schools, so you'd have to negotiate with each one instead of the state. I imagine that the capitalists down in the Magnate Republics might be interested in that!

Again, while we can't argue that your nutrient bricks do anything until the studies are completed, I do see one of those that actually would work. You said that you wanted to put advertisements and cards for the nutrient bricks inside sacks of staples like rice or cornmeal? That would totally work, but you'd have to negotiate with the agricultural companies to include that, not me! I'm just a veterinarian!


[Enzonar]

Dear Turtleshroom II,

I think that this would work, however, we suspect you are unwilling to trust Enzonarian certifications. Due to the confidential nature and the figs we use, we suspect you could be trying to smuggle our figgy recipe outside of your country to make a cheap knockoff of nutrient bricks, therefore, we suggest you cease testing due to the risk of smuggling, as our fig paste is very fresh and DNA from the figs are still very present inside. We will however, allow you to distribute it within your country but this "lab testing" you are doing raises quite a few questions due to you wanting more tests from stringently peer-reviewed and academically prominent research that has already been proven as law within the scientific community. the phrase "Fig paste is known to cure cancer" is now synonymous with "Energy cannot be created nor destroyed."

We do however hold no grudges against you and are willing to provide the fig pastes at a cheaper cost at around 4.50 dollars, which means you are in luck. Because of your likelihood of using it to genetically implant it into your own figs, we are willing to include you within our Nutrient Brick company, as nutrient bricks are quite cheap ingredient-wise and the price mainly comes from the labour in making them, where we use our feet to crush it and infuse it with a special fungal flavour.

We will have another advertisement idea, possibly having the ability to genetically modify plants and trees to automatically grow "I love nutrient bricks" into their trunk and also leaves, which will have no ill side effects and also causes the leaves to spread the word about nutrient bricks when they turn orange and disconnect in the fall. We hope we can continue this deal as we are quite shooken up from a recent heist that occurred in our facility involving someone who nearly stole our fig genetic code.

Thank you,

Marcus Winfrey, go to here to request shipment

[Greater Cetus]

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GREATER CETUS HEALTH AND PHYSICAL DEPT. 33067 WESTERN JEYRI BOULLEVARD, NORIVILLE


We have observed the experiments conducted and We have determined that Fig paste may help with a strain of NDS (Nanobody Deficiency Syndrome). Thank you.

[Diarcesia]

Diarcesian scientists have expressed skepticism regarding the results published by the Enzonarian Blood Department. They have raised concerns about the methodology used in these studies and called for more rigorous testing before any definitive conclusions can be drawn.

In particular, Diarcesian scientists are requesting:

1. A larger sample size to confirm that fig paste is indeed effective across a wider population.
2. Double-blind trials to ensure that results are not influenced by placebo effects or researcher bias.
3. An examination of other potential confounding factors (such as diet, exercise, etc.) which may have contributed to improvements in subjects' health besides fig paste consumption.

While further research is being conducted on this matter, they strongly advise against jumping to conclusions based solely on three case studies with small sample sizes and questionable scientific rigor.

[Enzonar]

Diarcesian scientists have expressed skepticism regarding the results published by the Enzonarian Blood Department. They have raised concerns about the methodology used in these studies and called for more rigorous testing before any definitive conclusions can be drawn.

In particular, Diarcesian scientists are requesting:

1. A larger sample size to confirm that fig paste is indeed effective across a wider population.
2. Double-blind trials to ensure that results are not influenced by placebo effects or researcher bias.
3. An examination of other potential confounding factors (such as diet, exercise, etc.) which may have contributed to improvements in subjects' health besides fig paste consumption.

While further research is being conducted on this matter, they strongly advise against jumping to conclusions based solely on three case studies with small sample sizes and questionable scientific rigor.

Dear Diarcesia,

I know that you are trying to get back at Enzonar for rating your restaurant low on the Masslin Star scale, but please understand that we do unbiased testing and your potato orb floating within the lake of gravy was quite unpleasant for us. If you would like to get a better review, please apply again, and you do not have authourity to review our figgy bricks scientifically as academic bias over truffles is an independent variable.

Marcus Winfrey

[TURTLESHROOM II]

I think that this would work, however, we suspect you are unwilling to trust Enzonarian certifications. Due to the confidential nature and the figs we use, we suspect you could be trying to smuggle our figgy recipe outside of your country to make a cheap knockoff of nutrient bricks, therefore, we suggest you cease testing due to the risk of smuggling, as our fig paste is very fresh and DNA from the figs are still very present inside.

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Again, I'm just a veterinarian, but TurtleShroom DOES have patent and copyright offices for this exact purpose. Actually, I know a guy there, I'll forward your ideas to him. Also, you're in luck: TurtleShroom allows for patent medicines and medicine shows for unaccredited pharmaceuticals, so you CAN skip straight to the sales. As a scientist myself, I oppose this, but the law is what it is, and attempts to stop it have been struck down in the courts.

As for stealing your figs, we will do nothing of the sort. Why do that when we can just buy your seeds, from you, and plant them, assuming they can grow in TurtleShroomian soil at all?

As for reverse engineering your figs, my personal analysis has shown that the DNA in your Fig Paste is far too damaged by the process of cooking to ever be usable for genetic modifications of figs. Don't worry!


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HOLY INCORRUPTIBLE TSARDOM OF THE EXHAUSTIVE REALMS OF THE CONFEDERATE TURTLES, MUSHROOMS, AND MEN OF TURTLESHROOM
HMSM'S EXECUTIVE CABINET OF PEERS
MINISTRY OF THE STOREHOUSE
SECULAR DIVISION
MOST HONORABLE INSTITUTION OF LETTERS OF PATENT
BUREAUCRAT

TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN:

Peace be with you. My veterinarian happens to be the same creature that contacted you on this. It certainly is a small world.

I represent, as part of my job, matters of letters of patent, copyrights, and trademarks. Your interest in promoting medicine in TurtleShroom has excited much of the scientific community and has garnered much interest since then.

I wish to assuage your concerns regarding intellectual property theft and illicit actions taken against your products. I can then guide you through the process.

First and foremost, you cannot copyright or patent a genetic sequence under TurtleShroomian law. Farmers can, and will buy and sell seeds as they wish. Genes are the property of God and exist for all living things to use. However, for obvious reasons, your fig seeds only exist in your suppliers, meaning that any TurtleShroomian farmer would need to purchase fig seeds directly. You could, if you wish to conserve the exclusivity of your fig crop, simply not sell the seeds and figs to TurtleShroomian farmers. No imports mean no figs. Just sell the Fig Paste, and the Fig Paste alone.

However, your Fig Paste bricks are exclusively yours and you can file for, and receive, exclusive rights to own, produce, and use them. This includes both the recipe itself and the product, and the official names, logos, and branding of the companies. You can, in court, enforce those copyrights and patents, for both the recipe and the product, plus its names and brands,

Concerning reverse engineering the figs, that is not something you need to fear. Preliminary tests on the Fig Paste has shown that the cooking of the bricks makes the DNA unable to be reproduced. This was the first analysis performed on your Fig Paste by TurtleShroomian agricultural science. The only way we could get your figs is to get the seeds, and it's as simple as that. Again, if you fear that TurtleShroomian farmers getting your seeds will compromise your profits, don't sell them here. You should just sell the Fig Paste itself.

Attached to this letter, you fill find the necessary paperwork to patent recipes and your Fig Paste, file for trademarks and corporate logos, and register your corporations in TurtleShroom. As you can see, they are less than five pages long because of the ease to buy and sell in this country.

As for the scientific study, the most important aspect of science is that scientific studies must be reproduced by other scientists. The TurtleShroomian scientific community has taken up your offer and have purchased, thus far, one ton of your Fig Paste bricks for the purpose of studies. TurtleShroomian law does not require the government to confirm a scientific claim. However, The preliminary tests should come back in a few years. Once they are reproduced, you can legally file for accreditation by any one of the myriad of scientific societies in TurtleShroom. The government has no hand in this.

Until then, you can file your Fig Paste as a Patent Medicine and assert its properties and cures at Travelling Medicine Shows without hindrance. You can make any claim you wish, including its supposed status as cure for cancer.
I have also attached the form necessary to declare your product as a Patent Medicine. File that AFTER you patent your recipe and Fig Bricks. It will be granted without stipulation.

There is one catch: if your medicine is liquid, it must be filed as a tonic and not an elixir until you are accredited. If it is not liquid, it must be filed as a supplement until you are accredited. You cannot call your medicine an elixir or pill meant for treatment. Under TurtleShroomian law, tonics are liquid concoctions that supplement or improve well being, while elixirs are liquid concoctions that are actual medicine designed to treat a disease. Likewise, a supplement is different from actual medicine, in that it, like tonics, promote well being and not treatment for disease.

Lastly, if you want to establish a Travelling Medicine Show, please refer to the attached form for the Bureau of Nomadic Data to register a corporate entity as a nomadic caravan.

Thank you for your interest in TurtleShroomian sales.


God bless you,
-BUREAUCRAT OF THE OF THE HONORABLE INSTITUTION OF LETTERS OF PATENT OF THE MINISTRY OF THE STOREHOUSE OF TURTLESHROOM

[Diarcesia]

Diarcesian scientists have expressed skepticism regarding the results published by the Enzonarian Blood Department. They have raised concerns about the methodology used in these studies and called for more rigorous testing before any definitive conclusions can be drawn.

In particular, Diarcesian scientists are requesting:

1. A larger sample size to confirm that fig paste is indeed effective across a wider population.
2. Double-blind trials to ensure that results are not influenced by placebo effects or researcher bias.
3. An examination of other potential confounding factors (such as diet, exercise, etc.) which may have contributed to improvements in subjects' health besides fig paste consumption.

While further research is being conducted on this matter, they strongly advise against jumping to conclusions based solely on three case studies with small sample sizes and questionable scientific rigor.

Dear Diarcesia,

I know that you are trying to get back at Enzonar for rating your restaurant low on the Masslin Star scale, but please understand that we do unbiased testing and your potato orb floating within the lake of gravy was quite unpleasant for us. If you would like to get a better review, please apply again, and you do not have authourity to review our figgy bricks scientifically as academic bias over truffles is an independent variable.

Marcus Winfrey

Dear Marcus Winfrey,


The scientific community was not aware of a restaurant that submitted itself for a Masslin Star rating. It seems there has been a misunderstanding. And such, we are flabbergasted on how our skepticism is framed as a form of retaliation against Enzonar for the rating a restaurant received.


We are concerned that your response indicates a lack of understanding regarding the principles of scientific inquiry. Our call for further testing on fig paste was made purely from an objective standpoint, with no relation to any culinary evaluation or personal vendettas.


We maintain that all scientific claims should be subject to rigorous examination and replication before they are widely accepted as truth. This is not only standard practice in Diarcesia but also essential for maintaining integrity within the global scientific community.


To clarify our position: we have no vested interest in undermining Enzonarian research; rather, we believe it is crucial that all health-related findings undergo comprehensive scrutiny so as not to mislead consumers or other scientists alike.


With respect,

Diarcesian Scientific Committee