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How do I love myself?

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Cerespasia
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How do I love myself?

Postby Cerespasia » Wed May 22, 2024 9:38 pm

Since the beginning of the 2020s I've started to hate myself more and more for the constant mistakes I'm making, which was only exacerbated by my parents divorcing after I had a severe nervous breakdown, and I still think that I'm responsible for it. By now I've come to regard myself as, for a lack of a better term, a Human Disaster, a façade hiding a human disaster behind it. Another thing that fuels my self hatred is the fact that I am extremely lazy, would only do my duties in a half-assed manner instead of fully committing to it, would always prefer playing over working/studying all day, prioritize making the things I make for fun rather than the things I make for schoolwork all day everyday, generally having no priorities, the fact that no matter how many times I got my ass chewed, I would repeat my mistakes the very next day, and some other things. The miskates, failures and shortcomings of the human race elsewhere in the world covered in the news had also made me hate my own kind as well. I've always been told to love myself more, if nobody else cared for me, at least I care for myself, for "years" I've been told this. But the problem is: How could I love myself if I'm such a human disaster to begin with? The amount of mistakes I've made over these past few years are more than that of the average person of my age, or maybe I'm too fixated on my mistakes rather than my achievements and that I'm not complimenting myself as much as I should.

There you have it, NSG. From me, the [derogatory term aimed towards myself]

So I only ask you this: How do I start loving myself more?
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Zetaopalatopia
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Postby Zetaopalatopia » Wed May 22, 2024 10:41 pm

Well defiantly that last one. Far to many people focus on their faults more than they should. There are a few things to consider when it comes to 'self love' as some call it. First, are you independent? If yes, congratulations! You did it, you are most of the way there an the only thing to work on is motivation. Nothing wrong with having a preference for fun, you just need to work on seeking long term enjoyment over the quick and dirty kind. And if you are not independent, then the first thing you need to work on is motivation, so either way keep reading.

Here's where to start, list anything and everything that interests you. When you go play games, what kind of game and why?
You mentioned you make things. What is it you make? What do you enjoy about making them?

I for example like supply chain and optimization games, Factorio mostly. As for making things, it's been a while, but I was really into lego.

I was in a slump not too long ago (Still it it actually, but not as deep). What I did was pick a task I knew I could reasonably do in a set timeframe and just bit the bullet and did it. For me it was cleaning a long disused shed on my property out in one week. Spoiler, I failed, but not for lack of trying, I got 75% of goal, and it felt amazing.

Now I understand not everyone has a shed to clean, or the will to force that first step, but the first step is the hardest. What is important is you find something where you can proudly say "I did that, That was something I did" Be it cleaning, taking a hike, sculpting out of clay. It doesn't need to be perfect, or even good, just something you can look at to remind yourself you can.
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Reploid Productions
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Postby Reploid Productions » Wed May 22, 2024 10:57 pm

I am not being at all snarky or sarcastic in recommending that you seek some manner of professional support; a polisim forum is just not going to have the breadth of knowledge or useful expertise to offer a whole lot of specific good advice. It is entirely possible that you could be dealing with some flavor of neurospiciness that could be contributing to your difficulty with managing and prioritizing tasks; I cannot count the number of times folks I know who have had some sort of executive dysfunction had struggled until their 20s, 30s, or worse with an undiagnosed and completely un-managed variety of ADHD or "high-functioning" ASD because they otherwise presented as "normal," and how much their overall mental health improved once they began treatment and cut off the self-reinforcing feedback loop at the source. The sooner something like that is diagnosed, the sooner you can begin learning coping strategies to help manage the symptoms and/or get started on support medication to help manage it; medication for mental health isn't admitting to some sort of failure any more than allergy medication is to manage allergies, or insulin is used to manage diabetes, or blood pressure medication is to lower high blood pressure. If your brain isn't producing adequate thinky-thinky chemicals to function in a healthy manner, store-bought is fine!

Even if it's not some variety of neurospiciness, things have been ridiculously rough all over the world since 2020; that is going to create risk factors and exacerbate the hell out of existing mental health challenges. (To say nothing of the long-term side effects from COVID itself, which DO potentially include psychiatric symptoms!) Telling you to just "love yourself" is basically putting the cart before the horse; it's not so simple as that, there's clearly something or multiple somethings that are getting in between you and that self-affirmation. It could be some unresolved major trauma, it could be a truckload of little unresolved traumas; it could be any variety of things. A good therapist can with time help you detangle whatever it is that's blocking you and holding you back. Even something as simple as plain old laziness could have any number of underlying factors leading to it; depression, anxiety about potential failure, simple disinterest or bordeom over a particular task. Having your "ass chewed" isn't going to magically make whatever those underlying causes are vanish, and it will frequently only make matters worse.

In a more general sense, NOBODY on this planet is really "normal," the entire concept of normal is basically a giant lie we all tell ourselves and try to measure ourselves against. You might think you're some sort of walking disaster, but there isn't a single person who has ever lived on this planet that isn't damaged goods in some form or another. To use a Robert Anton Wilson quote I first ran into on Tumblr: “Under the present brutal and primitive conditions on this planet, every person you meet should be regarded as one of the walking wounded. We have never seen a man or woman not slightly deranged by either anxiety or grief. We have never seen a totally sane human being.” We're all a hot mess in one way or another, and sometimes reminding yourself that your hot mess probably isn't that unique can weirdly help. Even the folks you look at and think "Oh wow, they've got it all figured out, they've got their life in order" have got shit going on that they're just hiding really well out in public; maybe they're using unhealthy coping strategies like drugs or alcohol to self-medicate, maybe they get home every night and just have a massive panic attack meltdown, maybe they've been seeing a therapist for years and have worked out solid mental wellness strategies that work well for their specific situation.

On the "shortcomings of the human race elsewhere in the world covered in the news" side of it though, I can definitely make one good recommendation: unplug from the 24-7 news cycle. Especially when it comes to global events; yes it is good to be well-informed, BUT a lot of those things are events you have virtually no ability to directly impact. You don't NEED to be on top of the latest bad news; maybe just check the news once a day, or even once every few days. Being constantly bombarded by all that negativity isn't going to make you more well-informed than somebody who checks in once a day or even once a week, it's just going to drag you down and make it harder for you to manage the things in your life that you CAN directly do anything about.
Last edited by Reploid Productions on Wed May 22, 2024 10:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Repreteop
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Postby Repreteop » Thu May 23, 2024 2:25 pm

Cerespasia wrote:Since the beginning of the 2020s I've started to hate myself more and more for the constant mistakes I'm making, which was only exacerbated by my parents divorcing after I had a severe nervous breakdown, and I still think that I'm responsible for it. By now I've come to regard myself as, for a lack of a better term, a Human Disaster, a façade hiding a human disaster behind it. Another thing that fuels my self hatred is the fact that I am extremely lazy, would only do my duties in a half-assed manner instead of fully committing to it, would always prefer playing over working/studying all day, prioritize making the things I make for fun rather than the things I make for schoolwork all day everyday, generally having no priorities, the fact that no matter how many times I got my ass chewed, I would repeat my mistakes the very next day, and some other things. The miskates, failures and shortcomings of the human race elsewhere in the world covered in the news had also made me hate my own kind as well. I've always been told to love myself more, if nobody else cared for me, at least I care for myself, for "years" I've been told this. But the problem is: How could I love myself if I'm such a human disaster to begin with? The amount of mistakes I've made over these past few years are more than that of the average person of my age, or maybe I'm too fixated on my mistakes rather than my achievements and that I'm not complimenting myself as much as I should.

There you have it, NSG. From me, the [derogatory term aimed towards myself]

So I only ask you this: How do I start loving myself more?


Cereskia. I've known you extensively for a few years on this site. I've had my own problems on occasion, but I want to let you know this.

At all times, there is someone who loves you, your family loves you, your friends love you (doesn't have to deep), and whether you believe or not, you could say God loves you. You should try finding yourself some sort of help, let it be therapy or counseling. Sometimes it's good to find a community. Whether people crucify me for saying this, you could even ask whoever is your teacher/pastor/priest/imam/etc if they could help. Usually that's what they are for.

Cereskia, you are not always responsible for your own shortcomings. People's bad decisions can affect you, that's why you also have to think before you make your own decisions. I didn't think about that stuff back then and people were hurt by my decisions at times. But I have been blessed to be forgiven. I've caused mayhem on this site as well, but this whole site isn't the whole wide world.

Things won't always go your way, but if you try and be strong, you can make it through anything. And not to make this a religious thing, but sometimes faith in God will lead you too.

I sincerely hope you can find how to love yourself, the amount of worth you have in this world is so up there its unbelievable. The amount of chance it took for you to be here today is so low I only could explain it as being one of God's infinite creations. I sincerely hope you find help.
pickles

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Ostroeuropa
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Postby Ostroeuropa » Thu May 23, 2024 2:27 pm

Try practicing meditation. I do not mean "Close your eyes and think".


Once this muscle is sufficiently exercised, you will be more able to notice the distinction between thought and observer, and direct your attention away from thoughts, or view them as phenomena separate from yourself of no particular meaning. Think of it like suspension of disbelief when watching a tv show. We're all suspending disbelief constantly and identify with our thoughts.

But that isn't quite what's happening. We're observing our thoughts and are separate from them as an "Observer". Meditative practice can help you to remember all this self-hatred is "Just a tv show" and break the suspension of disbelief in experience. Once you realize this and are practiced in it, you can direct your attention elsewhere to other sensations.

Imagine a man in a cave. The walls of the cave occasionally flare up with fiery images and in the flames you see things. The man, for some reason, thinks he is the cave entire, including the flames. But he isn't. He is simply in the cave, watching the walls, and allowing the images therein to direct him and his experience.

What you will notice is that meditation is very difficult. Sam Harris talks about it a bit here;

https://youtu.be/FXEvw87JsHU

But I have found it very useful for all manner of things.

Here is an excericse.

https://youtu.be/tw7XBKhZJh4
Last edited by Ostroeuropa on Thu May 23, 2024 2:56 pm, edited 7 times in total.
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Awqnia
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Postby Awqnia » Thu May 23, 2024 3:45 pm

In my personal opinion, to love yourself you must come to terms with who you are, and always strive to be better today, than you were yesterday. I have been battling with clinical depression for some time now. A quote I always like to remember, and come back to in times of hopelessness and confusion, is a quote by the creator of Winnie-the-Pooh, A.A. Milne; "You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." but how do you love yourself?

Well, think about the things you love, and start making time in the day or week to do them. Slow down, forgive your mistakes, and start saying 'no' to people when they overstep your boundaries. You don't need to love yourself the way you love others (saying it, giving gifts etc.), just start with simple self-care and healthy habits, and you'll feel a sense of comfort and happiness. By the way, you are NOT a "human disaster". The more you tell yourself that, the more you'll believe it. Instead, try to think positively about yourself. Your brain likes to be right, so if you think negatively about something, most of the time, no good results will come. Think positively, however, you will see a change eventually, that I can promise you.
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Mardesurria
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Postby Mardesurria » Thu May 23, 2024 3:47 pm

Do things that you enjoy doing. It’ll make you happy, therefore boosting your self-esteem and confidence.
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Nanatsu no Tsuki
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Postby Nanatsu no Tsuki » Thu May 23, 2024 7:18 pm

Allow yourself the grace to accept you’re not perfect. To understand that you’ll make mistakes and that you’ll continue to grow and improve. Allow yourself the patience to be you. That despite how dark things may seem at a given point, they won’t always be like that.
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Ravemath
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Postby Ravemath » Thu May 23, 2024 7:22 pm

Some great advice is to exercise and go outside for longer periods of time. The internet, including NationStates, is full of toxic people. Go back to the real world, which is MUCH better than online.
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Glorious Freedonia
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Postby Glorious Freedonia » Fri May 24, 2024 11:43 am

Cerespasia wrote:Since the beginning of the 2020s I've started to hate myself more and more for the constant mistakes I'm making, which was only exacerbated by my parents divorcing after I had a severe nervous breakdown, and I still think that I'm responsible for it. By now I've come to regard myself as, for a lack of a better term, a Human Disaster, a façade hiding a human disaster behind it. Another thing that fuels my self hatred is the fact that I am extremely lazy, would only do my duties in a half-assed manner instead of fully committing to it, would always prefer playing over working/studying all day, prioritize making the things I make for fun rather than the things I make for schoolwork all day everyday, generally having no priorities, the fact that no matter how many times I got my ass chewed, I would repeat my mistakes the very next day, and some other things. The miskates, failures and shortcomings of the human race elsewhere in the world covered in the news had also made me hate my own kind as well. I've always been told to love myself more, if nobody else cared for me, at least I care for myself, for "years" I've been told this. But the problem is: How could I love myself if I'm such a human disaster to begin with? The amount of mistakes I've made over these past few years are more than that of the average person of my age, or maybe I'm too fixated on my mistakes rather than my achievements and that I'm not complimenting myself as much as I should.

There you have it, NSG. From me, the [derogatory term aimed towards myself]

So I only ask you this: How do I start loving myself more?


If you hate yourself because you made mistakes in the past, that is silly. Everyone makes mistakes. Try to learn from them and do better next time.

You probably are focusing too much on the negative.

I get the sense that you are young. Young people make more mistakes than others. One reason is that your cerebral cortex is still developing. Once your cerebral cortex is fully developed, then you will have a much better brain in that you can get better anticipate consequences. The other reason that young people make more mistakes than older people is that older people have the benefit of having had more time on Earth to learn how to do things better.

Even if you are truly really bad, like you are cruel to animals for fun or something (and I hope you are not!) you can never be truly without value because you were created in the image of God and are a creature of God. This gives you inalienable value.

Even if you totally screw up everything that you consciously do, at least plants benefit when you exhale CO2.

So the bottom line is that you are being too hard on yourself, no matter how badly you screw up you still have some worth, and you are the author of your own destiny -if you do not like how your story has gone so far, change things to take your story in a better direction.

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Dumb Ideologies
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Postby Dumb Ideologies » Sun Jun 23, 2024 11:59 am

have you considered refocusing individual self-hatred into the collective version by joining the grift economy
Are these "human rights" in the room with us right now?
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Postby Reploid Productions » Sun Jun 23, 2024 12:12 pm

Locking for gravedigging; it was bumped by an adbot who's post has since been removed.
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