Retired Spy Whale Spotted in Sweden (this is a true story)

[Forsher]

Alleged former Russian spy whale spotted off Sweden's coast

An alleged former Russian spy whale has been spotted off the coast of Sweden, says an organisation dedicated to tracking the beluga whale.

Named locally as Hvaldimir, the whale was first spotted off Norway's coast in 2019 wearing a Russian harness.

Having spent years travelling slowly southwards from Norway's far north, the whale has sped up his movements out of Norwegian waters in recent months.

OneWhale said the reason behind his sudden hastiness was unclear.

The tame beluga whale first approached Norwegian boats near the island of Ingoya four years ago. The island is 415km (258 miles) from Murmansk, where Russia's Northern Fleet is based.

He was discovered wearing a harness fitted with a GoPro camera mount and clips bearing the inscription "Equipment of St Petersburg".

This headline is ridiculous. This story is ridiculous. It is insane that this is a real thing I am witnessing. Spy whales. What's next? Murder hornets?

Anyway, it's reminded me of the... multiple witch doctor sagas, so let's talk about real things that make you wonder about the reality of the world. A key question, for example, is "is this thing actually ridiculous?" For example, perhaps the notion of spy whales is completely logical and would make just as much sense in a John Le Carre film adaptation as in a Roger Moore James Bond movie, and I, Forsher, am just a naive fool. Obviously I reject that. I think spy whales are exactly absurd as they sound.

Re: poll, these are real headlines stolen from r/nottheonion, plus one of the witch doctor headlines and a headline I saw and remembered.

[Emotional Support Crocodile]

Clearly just establishing an alibi to prove a spy whale wasn't sinking a boat with spies on in Lake Maggiore

[Emus Republic Of Australia]

Spy whale? SPY WHALE?
What the hell. Whales can be trained to be spies now?

[Fractalnavel]

We're getting trained to believe anything. Of course. Pretty much always been the case.

Spy whales: using existing creatures as passive or controlled "drones" makes sense. Don't have to engineer that part. Control is a problem, though. But with machine learning, can probably come up with a brain / nervous system harness that can either operate autonomously or translate commands from humans. Have to be careful with overriding the creatures' natural inclinations though, would interfere with survival behaviors. How much you want to compromise that would depend on the mission parameters.

What could get interesting is designing the harness to interpret / feedback the creature's own will and desires.

[Tinhampton]

Tinhampton's surprise ranking

1. Grand Theft Auto: Sheep City: I'd like to apologise to the FSB but this is the obvious WTF story here. You're dead, stuck in a car over a weekend... and people think you're a sheep? I wouldn't put a sheep in a car!
2. The name's Hvaldimir... I'm not sure why you'd send a whale out to spy on your enemies, either. If it's just for the body-camera value, just get some fucking drones or human intelligence instead. LMAO.
3. EMTs: We're Hatin' It! UK McDonald's had an NHS staff discount from summer 2020 until a few weeks ago. I can't see what kind of mixup could have gotten this server to think healthcare workers are somehow unworthy of even Maccy D's.
4. Begun the avocado wars have: You're a gangster. The thing you've been trafficking in is - surprise, surprise - so illegal you could get done for it. Why not pillage some other crop that's prominent in the area instead?
5. Witch doctor is which? This is where the stories gradually stop being surprising. Witch doctors are prominent in African football. Would it be a step too far for them to emerge in France? Possibly - or possibly not.
6. COVID-free, dead or alive: Refreshingly context-free. If we're talking early 2020, it's probably reasonable irrationality (the UK once defined a COVID death as anyone who died for any reason after getting it). If we're talking now...
7. Who dis, fire and rescue? I... think I read about this a few months ago. I can't quite remember, but I suspect it happened enough that reading about it again didn't exactly shock me.
8. Don't lie to children: It's well known that the feds can lie to you but you can't lie to the feds. Am I surprised to see even a state-level movement trying to challenge this? No.
9. Tucker's M&M moping: I definitely read about that particular fracas as it happened - but only reading, with Fox News having not been broadcast here for a number of years.
10. "Arm our kids" hot-mikes: Planted for Who Is America?, a five-year-old comedy series I actually watched live on Channel 4 at the time. Ergo, this goes right at the bottom of my surprise list.

[Adamede]

Spy whale? SPY WHALE?
What the hell. Whales can be trained to be spies now?

Yah whales like belugas and dolphins (theyre taxonomically whales sue me) can be trained t detect underwater explosvies and divers and the like.

[Adamede]

We're getting trained to believe anything. Of course. Pretty much always been the case.

Spy whales: using existing creatures as passive or controlled "drones" makes sense. Don't have to engineer that part. Control is a problem, though. But with machine learning, can probably come up with a brain / nervous system harness that can either operate autonomously or translate commands from humans. Have to be careful with overriding the creatures' natural inclinations though, would interfere with survival behaviors. How much you want to compromise that would depend on the mission parameters.

What could get interesting is designing the harness to interpret / feedback the creature's own will and desires.

That's how it works buddy. They're trained like dogs, not some fucking scifi bullshit.

[Kerwa]

This is clearly a false flag by Sweden to make Russia look like a bad guy. It’s obviously retaliation for Swed House opening in Moscow.

[The Selkie]

...am I the only one thinking of the Red Alert Series and the dolphins? Though, yeah, they are Allied units, not Soviet ones.

[Ethel mermania]

US navy has been working with dolphins for years. It wouldn't surprise me if the CIA is still doing something similar as well.

[Forsher]

Tinhampton's surprise ranking

1. Grand Theft Auto: Sheep City: I'd like to apologise to the FSB but this is the obvious WTF story here. You're dead, stuck in a car over a weekend... and people think you're a sheep? I wouldn't put a sheep in a car!

Yes! Exactly!

5. Witch doctor is which? This is where the stories gradually stop being surprising. Witch doctors are prominent in African football. Would it be a step too far for them to emerge in France? Possibly - or possibly not.

When I started I thought it would be easy to find the kinds of headlines I needed by browsing r/nottheonion. It was not.

[Ethel mermania]

And how do they know the whale has retired?

Does it get a pension, and AARP card. Does it eat dinner at 4pm?

[The Grand Fifth Imperium]

And how do they know the whale has retired?

Does it get a pension, and AARP card. Does it eat dinner at 4pm?

No, a quarter past six, actually. Apparently it was playing pool with another whale, and goes to the movies every week on Senior Discount Tuesday. If that doesn't scream retired, only it's social security checks could convince you otherwise.