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[DRAFT] Commend Erinor

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Agalaesia
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[DRAFT] Commend Erinor

Postby Agalaesia » Thu May 05, 2022 5:04 am

Hello everyone.

I’ve been thinking about commendations and who I think deserves one even if they aren’t on the list or probably won’t have one authored in the near future.

Therefore, I’ve decided to go with Erinor (more commonly known as Seraph) as a candidate for a commendation. Although their work has almost exclusively been in the South Pacific, it has been no less important: they’ve designed cultural events that have stuck, were one of the most prolific Ministers of Regional Affairs, having a stellar publication output and this hasn’t mentioned their term as delegate, where they presided over the greatest increase of endorsements in TSP history at that point, an increase that was maintained by consecutive delegates.

This is my first SC draft in a looong time, so I’d appreciate any feedback you may have!

(ps: thanks to Zukchiva for proofreading)

The Security Council,

BELIEVING that exemplary and positive contributions to home regions over a long period of time are laudable and ought to be commended, especially if they have made a lasting impression on the region and its culture in the modern day, serving as an example for younger nations to make positive contributions to their regions and the world;

INTRODUCING Erinor as a nation who has contributed to the culture and politics of The South Pacific through their many positions and actions within and outwith the South Pacifican government;

NOTING Erinor’s distinguished service in the government of the coalition of the South Pacific that first began when they were elected Minister of Regional Affairs (MoRA), a position in which they would eventually serve in non-consecutively for just under a year, becoming one of the longest serving Ministers of Regional Affairs in the South Pacific;

APPLAUDING Erinor’s contribution to the creation and operation of many international and regional events run by the South Pacific while serving as Minister of Regional Affairs, including:
  • Running and hosting the first iteration of the South Pacific Coconut Awards, a forum for nations in the South Pacific to democratically bestow awards upon fellow nations through a system of nominations, voting, and selection, with Erinor and others providing running commentary about the event - a format and theme that has been replicated by many other ministers in later terms,
  • Participating in the organization of “A Drop in the Ocean”, a festival jointly ran by The North Pacific and The South Pacific, which included various written contests to allow nations to express storytelling and memetical prowess, and was replicated several years later yet again by the South and the North Pacifics;
  • Celebrating the South Pacific and the world by hosting events such as Creation Day and Independence Day, where heads of state congregated to honor both the history of the world and the history of the South Pacific;

LAUDING Erinor’s contribution to The South Pacific’s media landscape, reviving and maintaining multiple publications throughout their terms as MoRA, including:

  • Regularly publishing editions The South Pacific’s broadsheet, The Southern Journal, during their service as MoRA over multiple terms: realeasing a whopping total of 18 articles during their two month stint as Minister of Regional Affairs in 2020 and 11 editions in total for the first eight months of their non-consecutive ministership,
  • Working to produce the Treasure Island Report, a compilation and analysis of the events on Pacifica, a planet on which many South Pacific nations also reside, distributing 12 editions during their time as MoRA, an output that was maintained for a further year;

RECOGNISING the impact that Erinor has had on culture and diversity in the South Pacific, including founding the Silicon Pens, a group for all authors in the South Pacific to collaborate and share ideas with other nations and giving talks at various festivals such as TSPride and Independence Day;

THANKING Erinor for their two year service as a member of the Council on Regional Security, the South Pacific’s security body, where they presided over maintaining support to ensure that the South Pacific remains a secure and democratic region for future generations;

AMAZED at Erinor’s non-consecutive two-term stint as delegate, where, in a trend continued to this day, they presided over a never-before seen swell in support for the delegacy by:

  • Regularly and persistently communicating with other nations through public messages, interacting with the international community of nations to build rapport amongst other national governments,
  • Promoting SWAN, the South Pacific’s service for shoring up support, being the first delegate to properly debut with and promote the program,
  • Publishing the “Delegate’s Blog,” a series of communiqués designed to explain policy and increase support amongst other nations, as well as promote the activities of the office of the Delegate in the interests of engagement and transparency;

CONVINCED that Erinor’s work and activities in the South Pacific have left a lasting impact on the region, making it a more secure, active and cultured region through their contributions, and that such contributions should be emulated throughout the multiverse;

Hereby commends Erinor.
Last edited by Agalaesia on Thu May 05, 2022 7:07 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Hulldom
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Postby Hulldom » Thu May 05, 2022 6:46 am

I question how the "Regularly" subclause of the "Amazed" clause necessarily went above and beyond the call--something I initially had to fight with Aumeltopia's commend. Certainly something I would address.

Additionally, surely there's a better way of describing SWAN?

Otherwise, I can definitely support this from my first glance at it.
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Bormiar
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Postby Bormiar » Thu May 05, 2022 11:00 am

I guess it's ok. Have they been PM? Nothing here seems to stand out. Reminds me of Commend Aumeltopia or Commend CoS.

Also, that first clause is waffle. This is standard commendation material; you don't have to act as though it's something special that the SC needs to be convinced to support.

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Black Swan-Topia
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Postby Black Swan-Topia » Thu May 05, 2022 12:49 pm

I think the CRS Clause should include more elaboration on what they did in that role that stood out well.

Full support for the nominee, btw. :)

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Fachumonn
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Postby Fachumonn » Thu May 05, 2022 4:41 pm

Support in principle. Will be nice to see this one develop.


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Esfalsa
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Postby Esfalsa » Thu May 05, 2022 5:09 pm

Bormiar wrote:Have they been PM?

Believe so.

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Bormiar
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Postby Bormiar » Thu May 05, 2022 6:03 pm

Esfalsa wrote:
Bormiar wrote:Have they been PM?

Believe so.

Hmm. What's your opinion on this then?

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Anne of Cleves in TNP
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Postby Anne of Cleves in TNP » Thu May 05, 2022 7:23 pm

“Besides from some spelling errors here and there, everything checks out for now.”
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Postby Bhang Bhang Duc » Thu May 05, 2022 11:47 pm

Anne of Cleves in TNP wrote:“Besides from some spelling errors here and there (like how one clause starts with ‘lauding’ instead of ‘applauding’), everything checks out for now.”
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“Lauding” - to praise a person or their achievements highly. Have a copy of the O.E.D. free, gratis and for nothing, from me to you.
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Thousand Branches
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Postby Thousand Branches » Sun May 15, 2022 11:44 am

Agalaesia wrote:BELIEVING that exemplary and positive contributions to home regions over a long period of time are laudable and ought to be commended, especially if they have made a lasting impression on the region and its culture in the modern day, serving as an example for younger nations to make positive contributions to their regions and the world;

This is such a weird way to organize this? Also I'm pretty sure it's been long since established that exemplary regional contributions to a GCR is commendable, that isn't really necessary at all. This shouldn't be an explanation of the SC's ideals, it should be an explanation of the nation's character and commendability. What is special about Erinor? What makes them stand out from every other region builder ever? You need to work in some actual uniqueness to the opening of a proposal or I just sort of immediately lump it in with the other 200 commendees for like... the exact same thing.

This problem is especially exacerbated by the fact that your second clause is literally a shorter and more vanilla version of what this clause is saying.

Agalaesia wrote:INTRODUCING Erinor as a nation who has contributed to the culture and politics of The South Pacific through their many positions and actions within and outwith the South Pacifican government;

As I've just mentioned, this clause should probably be removed entirely. It wouldn't be difficult to just mention TSP in the opener (it's a GCR, everyone knows the region) and it would certainly remove the necessity for the vagaries of this clause. If your first clause says "people are commendable for regional contribution" and your second says "shocker, they're a regional contributor", there's really no reason why those can't be one.

Agalaesia wrote:NOTING Erinor’s distinguished service in the government of the coalition of the South Pacific that first began when they were elected Minister of Regional Affairs (MoRA), a position in which they would eventually serve in non-consecutively for just under a year, becoming one of the longest serving Ministers of Regional Affairs in the South Pacific;

Delete "in which". This does nothing but establish a position, therefore not commendable on its own. See my comments on the next clause.

Agalaesia wrote:APPLAUDING Erinor’s contribution to the creation and operation of many international and regional events run by the South Pacific while serving as Minister of Regional Affairs, including:

Combine this with your last clause. No reason for them to be separate, in fact you could probably delete the last clause entirely and this one would be fine, but if you're really worried about length of time as MoRA, these two need to be combined because they talk about the same exact thing, and talking about just a position in one clause without mentioning why I should care they held that position is just fluff.

Agalaesia wrote:Running and hosting the first iteration of the South Pacific Coconut Awards, a forum for nations in the South Pacific to democratically bestow awards upon fellow nations through a system of nominations, voting, and selection, with Erinor and others providing running commentary about the event - a format and theme that has been replicated by many other ministers in later terms,

"running and hosting" --> "hosting and managing"

I feel like "democratically" sort of implies "a system of nominations, voting and selection". That's... literally what democracy is. Okay not literally but pretty damn close. Maybe instead of detailing the process of how the forum worked, you can talk about its impacts on South Pacifican culture. Especially given that everything after the dash just doesn't fit structurally with the rest of the clause. You could also probably have more meat on the "running commentary" bit, considering that's the actual hosting contribution being discussed there.

Agalaesia wrote:Participating in the organization of “A Drop in the Ocean”, a festival jointly ran by The North Pacific and The South Pacific, which included various written contests to allow nations to express storytelling and memetical prowess, and was replicated several years later yet again by the South and the North Pacifics;

"memetical" is not a word, it would be "memetic". I'm also not sure if it really means what you want it to considering memetic usually refers to the study of memes and their impact on culture, not on the creation and dispersion of said memes.

Comma after "prowess" should be nixed.

Everything "yet again" and beyond can be nixed. Why does it matter that the same people hosted it the second time? If anything it would only be notable if once again it were Erinor participating in the organization. We're not commending the Pacifics.

Agalaesia wrote:Celebrating the South Pacific and the world by hosting events such as Creation Day and Independence Day, where heads of state congregated to honor both the history of the world and the history of the South Pacific;

Well written but a bit vague. How did they celebrate? If it's the heads of state celebrating, what were they actually hosting?

Agalaesia wrote:LAUDING Erinor’s contribution to The South Pacific’s media landscape, reviving and maintaining multiple publications throughout their terms as MoRA, including:

Hold on, is this whole proposal about their work as MoRA? Clearly it isn't so why isn't this just combined into the above list? If you're organizing it by "contributions as MoRA", there really shouldn't be this many separate lists for it. If anything you could just make a sublist of the last one, right?

Agalaesia wrote:Regularly publishing editions The South Pacific’s broadsheet, The Southern Journal, during their service as MoRA over multiple terms: realeasing a whopping total of 18 articles during their two month stint as Minister of Regional Affairs in 2020 and 11 editions in total for the first eight months of their non-consecutive ministership,

You already established this media stuff was done while they were MoRA so you can nix that bit. Oh wait that's like the whole clause. What was important about them publishing this "broadsheet"? Were there any exceptional articles? Did it influence future publications? Did it report on any notable events? Is it a good historical tool? It doesn't necessarily matter how many they published, just what they actually meant to NS or to TSP.

Agalaesia wrote:Working to produce the Treasure Island Report, a compilation and analysis of the events on Pacifica, a planet on which many South Pacific nations also reside, distributing 12 editions during their time as MoRA, an output that was maintained for a further year;

Is this the region Pacifica or not? If it is the former region, reside should be past tense considering it is closed. If it's referring to something South Pacifican that needs to be made a lot clearer. And again, there has to be more to this than just simply "they published some editions". I mean I helped publish some editions of the Augury back in Karma but that's not commendable in the slightest, probably not even the most important thing I did in Karma. So why is this important?

Agalaesia wrote:RECOGNISING the impact that Erinor has had on culture and diversity in the South Pacific, including founding the Silicon Pens, a group for all authors in the South Pacific to collaborate and share ideas with other nations and giving talks at various festivals such as TSPride and Independence Day;

"a group for all authors in the South Pacific to collaborate and share ideas with other nations" very much needs to be between em dashes or it simply does not make sense with the rest of the clause (parentheses would also work).

What does it mean by authors? Is it just a writing group? If so, again I feel like the relevance needs to be more fully explored. I also really hate the "contributions to culture" thing because it's just so OOC. Not gonna complain about that too much though because I don't care enough.

Agalaesia wrote:THANKING Erinor for their two year service as a member of the Council on Regional Security, the South Pacific’s security body, where they presided over maintaining support to ensure that the South Pacific remains a secure and democratic region for future generations;

"presided over maintaining support"? What is that even supposed to mean? What does one actually do in the CoRS? This pretty much just says "they did security" like 3 times.

Agalaesia wrote:AMAZED at Erinor’s non-consecutive two-term stint as delegate, where, in a trend continued to this day, they presided over a never-before seen swell in support for the delegacy by:

The trend is... support for the delegacy? what?

Agalaesia wrote:Regularly and persistently communicating with other nations through public messages, interacting with the international community of nations to build rapport amongst other national governments,

This feels like two clauses got combined with a comma. I also have absolutely 0 clue what ooc thing this is trying to refer to ic but it isn't working. You may need to be more specific.

Agalaesia wrote:Promoting SWAN, the South Pacific’s service for shoring up support, being the first delegate to properly debut with and promote the program,

You use "promote" twice. What does "shoring up support" mean?

Agalaesia wrote:Publishing the “Delegate’s Blog,” a series of communiqués designed to explain policy and increase support amongst other nations, as well as promote the activities of the office of the Delegate in the interests of engagement and transparency;

Were they the first to do this? What is the relevance of this blog to the workings of the region? You wrote what it was designed to explain, but not its actual effect.

[quote="Agalaesia";p="39577692"]CONVINCED that Erinor’s work and activities in the South Pacific have left a lasting impact on the region, making it a more secure, active and cultured region through their contributions, and that such contributions should be emulated throughout the multiverse;
Change the commas around "making it a more secure, active and cultured region through their contributions" to em dashes.

That's it! Hope these didn't sound too mean, I'm always a little blunt when I have so much editing work to do at once.

Have a great day,

-A
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Chipoli
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Postby Chipoli » Thu May 19, 2022 6:26 pm

Support in principle.

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Postby Tinhampton » Thu May 19, 2022 6:53 pm

You fail to correctly capitalise "the coalition of the South Pacific" and offer a superfluous link to TSP's region page in your mini-paragraph on A Drop in the Ocean.

How successful were "the Silicon Pens, a group for all [TSP] authors... to collaborate and share ideas with other nations?"

Did Erinor actually "preside[] over" CRS or were they just a common-and-garden member?
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