[DRAFT] Parks and Aggravation

[Pogaria]

I've been reading about national parks recently... so of course I turned that into an issue idea, with lots of Parks and Recreation references.

First draft:

Parks and Aggravation

The @@DEMONYM@@ National Parks are widely regarded as one of the best vacation destinations in the country. However, many natural wonders and unspoiled forests remain unprotected from exploitation. Fortunately, wealthy industrialist Rick Oldport just made a large donation to the national parks system -- on the condition that the money must be used to create a new park.

Valid for nations with at least average environmental beauty.

Option 1: "Yes! We finally have enough money to turn the Bland Canyon into a national park," enthuses Minister of the Interior and part-time actor Wesley Snopes, who is writing a series of to-do lists that appear to be dated five years into the future. "We can get right to work training park rangers and deciding on the best typeface for our informational signs. Or maybe we should start with a hiking trails development committee? This is so exciting!"
Effect: national park visitors are reporting a rash of poison ivy sightings

Option 2A: "Well, that sounds boring to me!" interjects businessperson Don Blatherford, who is carefully adjusting his tie and pocket square. "I think that classy individuals like you deserve to treat yo'self. Let's transform the dull Snakewater Mountains -- part of which I happen to own -- into an extravagant resort with limousine tours of the local scenery, luxury chalets with bling-covered interiors, and even one of those indoor ski slopes. And if our guests at the new Mineral Extraction Park get tired of being pampered, they're welcome to tour our new mining operation and see interesting geological formations being pulled out of the ground and pulverized as they watch!"
Effect: certain national parks offer tanning beds because the visitors never go outside
(Option only valid for capitalist nations)

Option 2B: "Well, that sounds boring to me!" interjects Don Blatherford, the Minister of Mining and Tourism, who is carefully adjusting his party membership pin. "I think that vanguards of the revolution like you deserve to treat yo'self. Let's transform the dull Snakewater Mountains -- which are under my ministry's stewardship -- into an extravagant resort for loyal party members, complete with limousine tours of the local scenery, luxury chalets with bling-covered interiors, and even one of those indoor ski slopes. And if our guests at the new Mineral Extraction Park get tired of being pampered, they're welcome to tour our new mining operation and see interesting geological formations being pulled out of the ground and pulverized as they watch!"
Effect: certain national parks offer tanning beds because the visitors never go outside
(Option only valid for non-capitalist nations)

Option 3: "Normally, I'd be opposed to another bloated government project," states libertarian woodworker Jon Duckson, who appears to have given himself an unofficial tax rebate by taking all of the toilet paper from your bathroom. "However, the people of this country have become a bunch of namby-pamby weaklings who don't even know how to operate a simple edge bander. I think we should take the most barren piece of terrain that's available and offer training in foraging off the land, tracking animals, and making live-edge wooden furniture. Thank you for considering my suggestion; please do not attempt to contact me or ask any follow-up questions."
Effect: visitors to Self-Sufficiency National Park who ask for trail maps are handed a pen and a blank sheet of paper

Option 4: "Scratching mosquito bites and throwing other people's things into a campfire when they're not looking are two of my favorite activities," admits government intern Maple Floodgate. "But maybe we should try a different type of national park, one that's dedicated to music and contemporary art. I know this really awesome abandoned factory on the south side of @@CAPITAL@@ that has great acoustics and is covered in insightful graffiti. If you wanted, I could even curate a playlist of post-apocalyptic death metal music to enhance the experience. So... can I go now? My supervisor said that I could leave early today if I contributed to something instead of de-pantsing the librarians in the National Archives."
Effect: visitors to Graffiti Warrens National Park are offered a complimentary tetanus vaccination

Option 5: "I love parks!" reminisces Maple's boyfriend, Stanley Meyer, who is wearing a 'federal agent' ID badge that looks like it was drawn with crayons. "I always have a lot of fun at our nation's parks. Except for that time at Spruce Pointe when I blew chunks after I ate a lot of cotton candy and then rode the Violet Streak Corkscrew Coaster about fifty times. We should make a big new park with even more thrilling rides, and fried candy bars, and a petting zoo for tiny horses. Why is everyone staring at me?"
Effect: the tallest mountains are adorned with roller coasters

[Trotterdam]

So, someone gives you money with the explicit condition that it be used to make a park, but is ridiculously vague about what counts as a "park"?

[Random Country 453632]

If option 5's effect talks about (literally) high altitude roller coasters, is it possible that the effect instead comments on the high nausea levels, especially at the mountainous roller coasters??

"nausea levels at Mt. @@NATIONALANIMAL@@ rise thanks to new theme park rides"

[Pogaria]

So, someone gives you money with the explicit condition that it be used to make a park, but is ridiculously vague about what counts as a "park"?

Sure. Why not?

If option 5's effect talks about (literally) high altitude roller coasters, is it possible that the effect instead comments on the high nausea levels, especially at the mountainous roller coasters??

"nausea levels at Mt. @@NATIONALANIMAL@@ rise thanks to new theme park rides"

Maybe. I'm not sure that these hypothetical roller coasters would keep people at high elevations for long enough to cause altitude sickness.

[Outer Sparta]

So, someone gives you money with the explicit condition that it be used to make a park, but is ridiculously vague about what counts as a "park"?

Isn't this the whole point of the issue? The open-endedness and possible concepts regarding what a park is?

[Trotterdam]

I just think that someone who wants to pay you a lot of money to do something would take a little more effort to specify exactly what he actually wants you to do. Heck, he's still alive in this narrative, so you can just ask him what he meant!

The vast majority of the options in this draft very, very obviously have nothing to do with the conventional understanding of what a "national park" is, even if someone with a dictionary in one hand and a thesaurus in the other could weasel his way into arguing how you totally could interpret it that way with enough wishful thinking.

[Thousand Branches]

Heck, he's still alive in this narrative, so you can just ask him what he meant!

I agree with the rest of this sentiment but this little bit could easily be solved by just saying the money was left in the old man’s will. If it was written in a will, it’s entirely possible he was just too vague about it and that’s how we made it to a situation where we obviously can’t ask him because he’s already died.

[Chan Island]

Heck, he's still alive in this narrative, so you can just ask him what he meant!

I agree with the rest of this sentiment but this little bit could easily be solved by just saying the money was left in the old man’s will. If it was written in a will, it’s entirely possible he was just too vague about it and that’s how we made it to a situation where we obviously can’t ask him because he’s already died.

Or, potentially, you could make an option where he's just like "I dunno, I'm doing this for tax purposes, just I dunno make some potted plant a park or something I don't care."

[Pogaria]

Heck, he's still alive in this narrative, so you can just ask him what he meant!

I agree with the rest of this sentiment but this little bit could easily be solved by just saying the money was left in the old man’s will. If it was written in a will, it’s entirely possible he was just too vague about it and that’s how we made it to a situation where we obviously can’t ask him because he’s already died.

That would be ideal, although I didn't want this issue to sound too much like #239, where a deceased person leaves you something in their will. If another editor wants to make this change later, I wouldn't object.

Or, potentially, you could make an option where he's just like "I dunno, I'm doing this for tax purposes, just I dunno make some potted plant a park or something I don't care."

That could be a funny option. However, I'm already at 5 options here (plus a communist variant), so I don't think this issue needs another one.

[The Ferret Lands]

Effect: national park visitors are reporting a rash of poison ivy sightings

Uhhhhhh... is this supposed to be funny?

That would be ideal, although I didn't want this issue to sound too much like #239, where a deceased person leaves you something in their will. If another editor wants to make this change later, I wouldn't object.

I think this issue works best as the opposite of 239, instead of a dead guy with a super specific request, a living guy with a super vague request.

[Outer Sparta]

Effect: national park visitors are reporting a rash of poison ivy sightings

Uhhhhhh... is this supposed to be funny?

That would be ideal, although I didn't want this issue to sound too much like #239, where a deceased person leaves you something in their will. If another editor wants to make this change later, I wouldn't object.

I think this issue works best as the opposite of 239, instead of a dead guy with a super specific request, a living guy with a super vague request.

It's just an effect line, nothing else.