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[DRAFT] Pride and Prejudice

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Cretox State
Diplomat
 
Posts: 851
Founded: Nov 04, 2015
Ex-Nation

[DRAFT] Pride and Prejudice

Postby Cretox State » Thu Jul 01, 2021 6:40 pm

Pride and Prejudice

Validity: Capitalist with marriage equality, a strong economy, high economic freedom, and high wealth gaps.

Description
After spending the better part of a three-hour meeting attempting to convince you to cut their taxes, the heads of the nation's largest corporations have finally moved on to the next item on the agenda: a partnership to celebrate their executives' and the nation's nominal commitment to LGBTQ+ rights.

Option 1
"United @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ has been a staunch ally of the LGBTQ+ community ever since our emergency board meeting last week," says the company's CEO, handing you a bulging envelope with the words "don't you dare pass any actual laws" written on the front in permanent marker. "For the next two weeks, we'd love to have your government by our side as we stand before our shareholders and the wider world in support of LGBTQ+ rights. We'll market special 'pride' items, run promotional campaigns, and of course receive a hefty tax cut that demonstrates the government's support for such supportive companies."

Effect: the government's latest public awareness campaign explains how unionizing is heteronormative

Option 2
"Why stick with a single profitable demographic when there are so many more out there?" asks Combined @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ representative @@RANDOMNAME@@, grabbing the envelope and stuffing in more precious gems than there are colors of the rainbow. "We should split up every year into equal portions, each targeted at a specific globally underrepresented group. We'll advertise to each group with your help, then cut prices for them to show support and cut prices for everyone else because love is greater than hate. Of course, we'll need some generous subsidies to sustain such heavy price slashing."

Effect: corporations petition civil rights organizations to change their movement's flag to the company's logo

Option 3
"Joint @@MAJORINDUSTRY@@ has never discriminated against any employee in a way that could be proven in court," boasts company president @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, flanked by a leadership team that looks completely identical to him. "It's all thanks to the discretionary funds we've spent on big internal reforms and an even bigger HR department. You should release guidelines for changes to corporate culture and grant a good chunk of funding to companies looking to implement them. More money means better culture, and better culture means better consumer relations."

Effect: banks now use correct pronouns when evicting customers from their houses

Option 4
"I have an idea. How about we don't give terrible companies more money for no good reason?" complains a gay Bigtopian administrative assistant, who's still bitter over being passed up for a promotion despite everyone you've spoken to insisting he's needed in his current position. "Pass actual laws to effect real change and secure equality for all people, instead of this superficial claptraAAAAAA..." He is cut off midsentence by the private security detail that suddenly drags him out of the room.

Effect: all corporations must pledge to only work with equal-opportunity sweatshops
Last edited by Cretox State on Tue Jul 06, 2021 2:53 pm, edited 3 times in total.

The North Pacific Vice Delegate
Author: 11 GA + 3 SC resolutions, 4 issues, and a lot of drafts

Killer of Stats
Assume OOC

"above the level of needing to be told how English works" - Candlewhisper Archive
"pure legalese" - Araraukar
"barrel of nonsense" - Tinhampton
"Just hurry up and declare a coup" - Honeydewistania
"a joke with no punchline" - Minskiev
"purge me daddy" - Praeceps
GA 496
GA 503 (1st in category)
GA 504
GA 509 (1st in category)
GA 510
GA 512
GA 520
GA 523
GA 527
GA 529
GA 530
GA 535*

SC 318
SC 331
SC 333

Issue 1427
Issue 1433
Issue 1438
Issue 1444

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Cretox State
Diplomat
 
Posts: 851
Founded: Nov 04, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Cretox State » Thu Jul 01, 2021 6:45 pm

Reserved. (you saw nothing...)
Last edited by Cretox State on Thu Jul 01, 2021 7:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The North Pacific Vice Delegate
Author: 11 GA + 3 SC resolutions, 4 issues, and a lot of drafts

Killer of Stats
Assume OOC

"above the level of needing to be told how English works" - Candlewhisper Archive
"pure legalese" - Araraukar
"barrel of nonsense" - Tinhampton
"Just hurry up and declare a coup" - Honeydewistania
"a joke with no punchline" - Minskiev
"purge me daddy" - Praeceps
GA 496
GA 503 (1st in category)
GA 504
GA 509 (1st in category)
GA 510
GA 512
GA 520
GA 523
GA 527
GA 529
GA 530
GA 535*

SC 318
SC 331
SC 333

Issue 1427
Issue 1433
Issue 1438
Issue 1444

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Sierra Lyricalia
GA Secretariat
 
Posts: 3934
Founded: Nov 29, 2008
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Sierra Lyricalia » Thu Jul 01, 2021 6:53 pm

:lol2:

I have no suggestions, all effect lines are wonderful and the cynicism hardheaded understanding of how the world works is mwah (chef kiss).

Seriously, the only change I'd make is something like

..instead of this superficial nonsense." He would've said more, if not for claptraAAAAAA..." He is cut off midsentence by the private security detail that suddenly drags him out of the room.


As you see, that's a minor, nitpicky change. TBH I'd just go ahead and submit this.
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Author: 354 GA / Issues 436, 451, 724
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Fatimida
Envoy
 
Posts: 331
Founded: Jun 11, 2021
Authoritarian Democracy

Postby Fatimida » Thu Jul 01, 2021 6:56 pm

This is without doubt the funniest (and most realistic) issue I've ever seen ngl
Apparently ISIS is still expanding even though they're getting weaker every day
Also going to be inactive until the end of Dhul Hijjah fyi

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Cretox State
Diplomat
 
Posts: 851
Founded: Nov 04, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Cretox State » Thu Jul 01, 2021 7:08 pm

Sierra Lyricalia wrote:Seriously, the only change I'd make is something like

..instead of this superficial nonsense." He would've said more, if not for claptraAAAAAA..." He is cut off midsentence by the private security detail that suddenly drags him out of the room.


As you see, that's a minor, nitpicky change. TBH I'd just go ahead and submit this.

Done (the edit, not the submission. I'll wait a bit before doing that). Thanks for the approval!

Why why why did I submit that other thing to the contest and not this...

The North Pacific Vice Delegate
Author: 11 GA + 3 SC resolutions, 4 issues, and a lot of drafts

Killer of Stats
Assume OOC

"above the level of needing to be told how English works" - Candlewhisper Archive
"pure legalese" - Araraukar
"barrel of nonsense" - Tinhampton
"Just hurry up and declare a coup" - Honeydewistania
"a joke with no punchline" - Minskiev
"purge me daddy" - Praeceps
GA 496
GA 503 (1st in category)
GA 504
GA 509 (1st in category)
GA 510
GA 512
GA 520
GA 523
GA 527
GA 529
GA 530
GA 535*

SC 318
SC 331
SC 333

Issue 1427
Issue 1433
Issue 1438
Issue 1444

User avatar
Authoritaria-Imperia
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 466
Founded: Nov 06, 2019
Psychotic Dictatorship

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Sun Jul 04, 2021 9:08 am

Really a great draft! Several minor nitpicks only, but I get the feeling you're not going to get many major nitpicks in general…

Cretox State wrote:… with the words "don't you dare pass any actual laws" written on the front in invisible ink.
Because Issues are written in the present tense, @@LEADER@@ doesn't actually have any way of knowing about the invisible ink message until later, right? It's kind of a weird omniscience to throw in. My suggestion is to change it to "… on which you'll later notice the words "don't…"
(If that's a violation of player autonomy, then your advisors or secretary could notice the ink later instead.)

Also, this one:
Cretox State wrote:boasts company president @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, flanked by a leadership team that looks completely identical to him.
This reads weirdly to me — how can one person look identical to a group of people? It does make sense after a little thought, but it sounds strange at first — what about "flanked by several identical advisors"?

Cretox State wrote:Effect: corporations petition civil rights organizations to change their movement's flag to the company's logo
I don't think there's agreement here between singulars and plurals — would read better as: "movements' flags to company logos". :)

Cretox State wrote:… complains a gay Bigtopian administrative assistant, who's still bitter over being passed up for a promotion despite everyone you've spoken to insisting he's needed in his current position.
This just feels kind of excessively verbose; you could probably cut out a lot and make it read better:
… complains a gay Bigtopian administrative assistant, who's still bitter over being passed up for a promotion despite everyone you've spoken to insisting he's needed in his current position.


Cretox State wrote:all corporations must pledge to only work with equal-opportunity sweatshops
Split infinitive, if that's still a grammar thing that matters these days. "to work only with" would be the correct version.

This is a great draft, which is why I had to point out such small things. Great writing!
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Sun Jul 04, 2021 9:17 am, edited 4 times in total.
Thanks to all the first responders working to fight off this pandemic! Folks, you can make a donation here.

User avatar
Cretox State
Diplomat
 
Posts: 851
Founded: Nov 04, 2015
Ex-Nation

Postby Cretox State » Tue Jul 06, 2021 2:51 pm

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:Really a great draft! Several minor nitpicks only, but I get the feeling you're not going to get many major nitpicks in general…

Thanks!

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
Cretox State wrote:… with the words "don't you dare pass any actual laws" written on the front in invisible ink.
Because Issues are written in the present tense, @@LEADER@@ doesn't actually have any way of knowing about the invisible ink message until later, right? It's kind of a weird omniscience to throw in. My suggestion is to change it to "… on which you'll later notice the words "don't…"
(If that's a violation of player autonomy, then your advisors or secretary could notice the ink later instead.)

The intended implication is that Leader either took the time to read the invisible ink, or is just that damn perceptive. I changed it, however.

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:Also, this one:
Cretox State wrote:boasts company president @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, flanked by a leadership team that looks completely identical to him.
This reads weirdly to me — how can one person look identical to a group of people? It does make sense after a little thought, but it sounds strange at first — what about "flanked by several identical advisors"?

I... don't actually see an issue with having a leadership team that looks identical to you from a writing standpoint. Your alternative feels more dry, and doesn't specify that the advisors' appearances are identical.

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
Cretox State wrote:Effect: corporations petition civil rights organizations to change their movement's flag to the company's logo
I don't think there's agreement here between singulars and plurals — would read better as: "movements' flags to company logos". :)

Wouldn't work. Then it's just company logos as an abstract, not the logos of the companies making the petitions. Do you have any other ideas?

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
Cretox State wrote:… complains a gay Bigtopian administrative assistant, who's still bitter over being passed up for a promotion despite everyone you've spoken to insisting he's needed in his current position.
This just feels kind of excessively verbose; you could probably cut out a lot and make it read better:
… complains a gay Bigtopian administrative assistant, who's still bitter over being passed up for a promotion despite everyone you've spoken to insisting he's needed in his current position.

The passed up for a promotion bit is part of the joke. "We need you where you are now" is a classic justification for underpromoting people.

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
Cretox State wrote:all corporations must pledge to only work with equal-opportunity sweatshops
Split infinitive, if that's still a grammar thing that matters these days. "to work only with" would be the correct version.

Given that the draft is neither a piece of formal writing nor written in Latin, I don't think split infinitives are something to be concerned about. :p

The North Pacific Vice Delegate
Author: 11 GA + 3 SC resolutions, 4 issues, and a lot of drafts

Killer of Stats
Assume OOC

"above the level of needing to be told how English works" - Candlewhisper Archive
"pure legalese" - Araraukar
"barrel of nonsense" - Tinhampton
"Just hurry up and declare a coup" - Honeydewistania
"a joke with no punchline" - Minskiev
"purge me daddy" - Praeceps
GA 496
GA 503 (1st in category)
GA 504
GA 509 (1st in category)
GA 510
GA 512
GA 520
GA 523
GA 527
GA 529
GA 530
GA 535*

SC 318
SC 331
SC 333

Issue 1427
Issue 1433
Issue 1438
Issue 1444

User avatar
Authoritaria-Imperia
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 466
Founded: Nov 06, 2019
Psychotic Dictatorship

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Wed Jul 07, 2021 11:04 am

Cretox State wrote:
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:I don't think there's agreement here between singulars and plurals — would read better as: "movements' flags to company logos". :)

Wouldn't work. Then it's just company logos as an abstract, not the logos of the companies making the petitions. Do you have any other ideas?
Maybe "corporations run petitions to get their logos on pride flags", "civil-rights organisations are petitioned to put company logos on their flags", or "pride flags sure look a lot like company logos these days"? Just suggestions.

Cretox State wrote:
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:This just feels kind of excessively verbose; you could probably cut out a lot and make it read better:

The passed up for a promotion bit is part of the joke. "We need you where you are now" is a classic justification for underpromoting people.
I understand that — I just don't feel like the sentence reads very well as-is. I can see the value in keeping all the information in; it just seems like a long thought to put in the middle of a dialogue sentence.

Cretox State wrote:
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:Split infinitive, if that's still a grammar thing that matters these days. "to work only with" would be the correct version.

Given that the draft is neither a piece of formal writing nor written in Latin, I don't think split infinitives are something to be concerned about. :p
… Yeah, that's fair. I do wonder if I made a mistake when I let myself get attuned to pretty pointless grammar rules like that…
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Wed Jul 07, 2021 11:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
Thanks to all the first responders working to fight off this pandemic! Folks, you can make a donation here.

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Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 22687
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jul 28, 2021 4:14 am

Funny issue. Clever.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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The Marsupial Illuminati
Issues Editor
 
Posts: 1470
Founded: Jul 24, 2016
Free-Market Paradise

Postby The Marsupial Illuminati » Wed Jul 28, 2021 9:52 pm

You may submit this now.
ὁ ἀνεξέταστος βίος οὐ βιωτὸς ἀνθρώπῳ

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USS Monitor
Retired Moderator
 
Posts: 29891
Founded: Jul 01, 2015
19th Century Iron Steamship

Postby USS Monitor » Sun Aug 01, 2021 11:02 pm

Yeah, this is good.
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Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 22377
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Tue Aug 10, 2021 5:38 am

Beisdes the tax cuts, why is this a government issue? And, RE: OPTION 1- why wouldn't companies want tax cuts?
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