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[SUBMITTED] [LAST CALL?] [CONTEST] S.P.A.C.E. Jam

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Ioavollr
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Founded: Aug 18, 2006
Democratic Socialists

[SUBMITTED] [LAST CALL?] [CONTEST] S.P.A.C.E. Jam

Postby Ioavollr » Wed Jun 16, 2021 12:35 pm

Hello, this is my first attempt at writing an issue. It's similar in circumstance to the Bieber issue (I'm uncertain of the issue number) but I think it's different enough to be worthwhile. Also I'm not sure how formatting works, this is my best try. This is themed on the 1996 movie Space Jam, which seems topical and relevant. I don't exactly know what" last call" is but the contest is nearly over so this is the last edit I'll publish before submitting.

I've reworked option 2 extensively in this edit, making it a prisoner swap instead of player swap, and also noting that some countries might not have companies. Feedback is greatly appreciated!

Title:Someone Please Acknowledge Citizen's Extradition Jam

The Issue: After an ill-advised away game in Marche Noire, foreign agents have arrested popular @@DEMONYM@@ sports star Jordan Carmicael on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball on their national team in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.

Option 1: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player and persistent low scorer Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning an unreasonable amount of the time. We should ‘investigate’ suspicious top tier athletes, or maybe just let Marche Noire do the investigating for us”
Effect: @@NAME@@ publicly announces that all abduckted citizens are deththpicable

Validity: Capitalism
Option 2a: “We must get our investm- er, citizens, back!” interjects Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “Marche Noire would surely be amenable to a prisoner swap. Don’t we have that wiley Marche Noirian terrorist ‘The Coyote’ lying around?”
Effect: companies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor extradition deals and trade in human lives

Validity: No Capitalism
Option 2b: “We must get our propagan- er, citizens, back!” interjects Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and Minister of Sports and Culture. “Marche Noire would surely be amenable to a prisoner swap. Don’t we have that wiley Marche Noirian terrorist ‘The Coyote’ lying around?”
Effect: agencies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor extradition deals and trade in human lives

Validity: No Gambling
Option 3a: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Validity: Gambling
Option 3b: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, the side-bets might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Option 4: “What in tarnation am I hearing?!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Jordan back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”
Effect: attempts to hold looney @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ responsible for foreign crimes are met with the toons of mortar fire



Title: Someone Please Acknowledge Citizen's Extradition Jam

The Issue: After an ill-advised away game in Marche Noire, foreign agents have arrested popular @@DEMONYM@@ sports star Jordan Carmicael on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball on their national team in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.

Option 1: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player and persistent low scorer Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning an unreasonable amount of the time. We should investigate suspicious top tier athletes, or maybe just let Marche Noire do the 'investigating' for us”
Effect: @@NAME@@ publicly announces that all abduckted citizens are deththpicable

Option 2: “Maybe a more mutually beneficial approach would work,” comments Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “I’m sure the Marche NoireStars will be more than willing to trade for another equally talented star. Why not one I don’t sponsor, such as Neil O’Shaqhnessy?”
Effect: companies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor contracts and trade in human lives

Validity: No Gambling
Option 3a: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Validity: Gambling
Option 3b: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure from the criminal underworld who is whispered to be an illegal alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, the side-bets might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Option 4: “What in tarnation am I hearing?!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Jordan back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”
Effect: attempts to hold looney @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ responsible for foreign crimes are met with the toons of mortar fire

Title: Someone Please Acknowledge Citizen's Extradition Jam

The Issue: Agents from Marche Noire have covertly “extradited” popular sports star Jordan Carmicael to their home country on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.

Option 1: “This must not be tolerated!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Jordan back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”
Effect: attempts to hold looney @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@s responsible for foreign crimes are met with the toons of mortar fire

Option 2: “Maybe a more mutually beneficial approach would work,” comments Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “I’m sure the Marche NoireStars will be more than willing to trade for another, less profitable star, maybe Neil O’Shaqhnessy?”
Effect: companies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor contracts and trade in human lives

Option 3: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning a suspicious amount of the time, perhaps it’s best if we just hold out the olive ball to Marche Noire and let them have him.”
Effect: @@NAME@@ publicly announces that all abduckted citizens are deththpicable

Validity: No Gambling
Option 4: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win?” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure bogged down in the criminal underworld who you suspect may be a Marche Noirian alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@NAME@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Validity: Gambling
Option 4: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure bogged down in the criminal underworld who you suspect may be an Marche Noirian alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, the side-bets might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Title: Someone Please Acknowledge Citizen's Extradition Jam

The Issue: Agents from Marche Noire have covertly “extradited” popular sports star Gordon Carmicael to their home country on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.

Option 1: “This must not be tolerated!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Gordon back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”
Effect: attempts to hold looney @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@s responsible for foreign crimes are met with the toons of mortar fire

Option 2: “Maybe a more mutually beneficial approach would work,” comments Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “I’m sure the Marche NoireStars will be more than willing to trade for another, less profitable star, maybe Neil O’Shaqhnessy?”
Effect: companies that know what’s up hop on the opportunity to doctor contracts and trade in human lives

Option 3: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning a suspicious amount of the time, perhaps it’s best if we just hold out the olive ball to Marche Noire and let them have him.”
Effect: @@NAME@@ publicly announces that all abduckted citizens are deththpicable

Validity: No Gambling
Option 4: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win?” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure bogged down in the criminal underworld who you suspect may be a Marche Noirian alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@NAME@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Gordon Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves

Validity: Gambling
Option 4: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure bogged down in the criminal underworld who you suspect may be an Marche Noirian alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@CAPITAL@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Gordon Carmichael. As an added bonus, the side-bets might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”
Effect: merry neighbors sing melodies praising @@NAME@@’s foreign policy of gambling away citizens as slaves
Last edited by Ioavollr on Tue Jun 29, 2021 8:04 pm, edited 8 times in total.

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Daarwyrth
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Thu Jun 17, 2021 8:59 am

Welcome to Got Issues! :D I'm sure you already did, but don't forget to give The Got Issues forum FAQ & How To Write An Issue a look if you haven't! Now, onto my feedback:

Agents from Marche Noire have covertly “extradited” popular sports star Jordan Carmicael to their home country on charges of game fixing and are forcing him to play Slamsketball in a bid to increase their international sports prestige. A number of excited and distressed parties have lobbied you to intervene.

I'm a little confused as to what exactly is happening in the premise. Do I understand it properly that this Jordan Carmicael was imprisoned in @@NAME@@? If so, I think this needs to be clarified a little as to from where Carmicael is "extradited". Also, where exactly was the game fixing occurring? In @@NAME@@ or Marche Noire? I think the topic that you're writing towards is interesting, but it needs to be ordered a little bit, as it seems a little disorganised at the moment. You don't need to write a whole essay on the backstory, of course, but I think a few clarifications here and there would help drawing the reader into the story :)

Option 1: “This must not be tolerated!” shouts Sam Yellowstone, while brandishing a @@NAME@@ Cows jersey, handlebar mustache, and two loaded pistols. “We must get high profile stars like Jordan back by any means necessary. I don’t care if it means invasion, in fact, I hope it does!”

Invasion seems a little excessive as one of the "serious options". I wouldn't have minded it as the "crazy last option", but for the first one it might seem a bit too much. I would advise to change this to a covert intelligence operation, in other words, do the same the Marche Noirans did. Then in the effect line you could do something about "people are getting annoyed with constantly being kidnapped back and forth", or something along those lines.

Option 2: “Maybe a more mutually beneficial approach would work,” comments Mugs Muney, concerned citizen and owner of Mercury, a company which has an exclusive contract with the star. “I’m sure the Marche NoireStars will be more than willing to trade for another, less profitable star, maybe Neil O’Shaqhnessy?”

I get where you're going at with this, but I think the option in its current forms lack a little sense. If a foreign power kidnapped a star player, it would seem odd for them to be willing to trade that star player for someone who is worse/less profitable. If you want to continue with the idea of a trade, I think the person that should be traded would have to be of equal value at least.

Option 3: “Perhaps the Marche Noirian claims have some validity,” notes opposition player Daphnie Mallard. “Mr. Carmichael does have a track record of winning a suspicious amount of the time, perhaps it’s best if we just hold out the olive ball to Marche Noire and let them have him.”

I think this option could be expanded a little bit, as now it feels as if it is basically a dismiss button. Perhaps you could add in something about "and we need to test all of our sportsmen and women on match fixing/illegal doping etc. etc., and any who test positive will be deported to another country". That would make it a little bit more distinct from simply dismissing the issue :)

Option 4: “Why trade or lose when you can play to win?” interjects Marvin the Marche Man, a flamboyant figure bogged down in the criminal underworld who you suspect may be a Marche Noirian alien. “We could make some space for a Slamsketball tournament between the @@NAME@@ Cows and the Marche NoireStars, winner gets Jordan Carmichael. As an added bonus, allowing side-bets on this and other tournaments might jam some much needed cash into the economy.”

I think you can swap "Marche Noiran alien" for "an actual extra-terrestrial. I'd also change "you suspect" to "everyone whispers is", because otherwise you might infringe a little on player autonomy.

You obviously write well, and for a first (technically second) draft this is a good start, yet I do think the issue needs a little polishing. Nonetheless, I think you have an interesting subject here and already the execution was amusing to read, so I am very interested in seeing where you'll be taking this issue :)
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Ioavollr
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Ioavollr » Fri Jun 18, 2021 9:34 am

Thank you for the excellent, detailed feedback! Do you think a wording change to imply that Neil O’Shaqhnessy is sponsored by a competitor would remedy the option 3? I'll work on the other bits, thanks again!

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Ioavollr
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Ioavollr » Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:31 am

I've updated the issue with some changes, as suggested by Daarwyrth

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The Atlae Isles
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Left-wing Utopia

Postby The Atlae Isles » Thu Jun 24, 2021 1:30 am

Hi Ioavollr! Nice issue you've got there.

I'm mostly confused by Option 2. If Marche Noire essentially kidnapped Jordan Carmicael, why would any reasonable leader trade another of their citizens to get him back? You'd still be down a slamsketball player, and since they are of equal talent, you didn't get much out of the deal.
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Ioavollr
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Ioavollr » Mon Jun 28, 2021 8:48 pm

The Atlae Isles wrote:Hi Ioavollr! Nice issue you've got there.

I'm mostly confused by Option 2. If Marche Noire essentially kidnapped Jordan Carmicael, why would any reasonable leader trade another of their citizens to get him back? You'd still be down a slamsketball player, and since they are of equal talent, you didn't get much out of the deal.


Thanks! I've reworked the second option in the latest edit.

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Postby Tinhampton » Mon Jun 28, 2021 9:53 pm

Why do your Option 2s now start with an unexplained comma?
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Ioavollr
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Democratic Socialists

Postby Ioavollr » Mon Jun 28, 2021 10:44 pm

Tinhampton wrote:Why do your Option 2s now start with an unexplained comma?

Fixed, thanks. There was originally a little joke in the front, but it was a little too cumbersome.
Last edited by Ioavollr on Mon Jun 28, 2021 10:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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