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[CONTEST DRAFT - SUBMITTED] Flight 201: An Airspace Oddity

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Dabarastan
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Tyranny by Majority

[CONTEST DRAFT - SUBMITTED] Flight 201: An Airspace Oddity

Postby Dabarastan » Fri Jun 11, 2021 6:17 am

Must not have policy No Airplanes

Late yesterday afternoon, a bomb threat forced a passenger plane en route from Marche Blanche to @@CAPITAL@@ to make an emergency landing in Brasilistan. After a Brasilistani fighter jet escorted the plane full of flummoxed flyers to a military airport deep in the country’s desert, two independent @@DEMONYM@@ journalists who were passengers on the flight were hastily arrested and taken away by the Brasilistani authorities. It has since come to light that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Brasilistan’s government, and are consequently now likely being subjected to extreme torture.

1- “It’s a bloody outrage, it is!” bellows @@RANDOMNAME@@, the Marche Blanchian ambassador. “I can’t even guess how many international laws have been broken here! @@NATION@@ would be best following our country’s lead: just this morning, we’ve already announced a cancellation of all flights to and from Brasilistan, a ban on them using our airspace, and the drafting of a strongly worded letter to @@REGION@@ telling other nations to do the same!”
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@’s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- “Flight bans? Letters?” scoffs your top military general quizzingly. “@@LEADER@@, those Brasilistani bastards kidnapped our citizens. Frankly put, it’s an act of war. You and I both know that unless you want to look like a weakling on the world stage, there’s only one way to respond to such unprecedented aggression. I can have the troops ready by nightfall.”
Effect: unprecedented actions have unprecedented consequences

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Brasilistani foreign minister is on the other end of the line. “Stop concerning yourselves with our internal affairs! Our security agencies received a credible threat that a bomb was on that plane, and now just for trying to keep everyone safe, the Marche Blanchians have told us we can’t use their airports anymore! Oh boy, this is going to get real ugly if @@REGION@@ gets involved. Tell you what, you provide a guarantee that we can continue to use @@DEMONYM@@ airspace no matter what, and I’ll see to it that you guys get the best prices on exports of our beautiful, shining diamonds.”
Effect: blood diamonds are @@LEADER@@’s best friend

4- “I think what the Brasilistanis did is genius,” shrewdly remarks your recently-hired secretary, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. “This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has written a slanderous piece on @@NATION@@ over the last five years. I’ve highlighted the ones who have flights booked over our airspace for the next few months, and I’ve got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. You just say the word.”
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through the nation's airspace
Last night, Air @@NAME@@ Flight 201 was diverted to an airport in rural Brasilistan after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the country's airspace. Upon landing, waiting Brasilistan police hastily entered the plane and removed two stunned @@DEMONYM@@ journalists. It has since emerged that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Brasilistan's autocratic government, and are consequently now likely being subjected to extreme torture.

1- "It's nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!" sobs the flight's pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. "And unless you want these Brasilistani bastards abducting more @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, then you need to implement a total ban on us utilising Brasilistan's airspace - and them using ours - with immediate effect. Hey, I bet if you write a nice letter to @@REGION@@, other nations will follow our lead too!"
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@'s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- "Flight bans? Letters?" scoffs your top military general quizzingly. "Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn't going to bring those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any aggression with the next level of escalation. They kidnapped our citizens? Then we'll bomb their cities!"
Effect: a man in the back saying "everyone attack!" has turned into the Brasilistan Blitz

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Brasilistani foreign minister is on the other end of the line. "You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists are now off the streets and behind bars, where they belong! Tell you what @@LEADER@@, you make a public statement affirming that the landing of Flight 201 is solely an internal matter for Brasilistan, and I'll see to it that the glorious nation of @@NAME@@ gets the best prices on exports of our world-famous, magnificent shining diamonds. Sparkle sparkle!"
Effect: blood diamonds are @@LEADER@@'s best friend

4- "I think what the Brasilistanis did is genius," shrewdly remarks your office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. "This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over @@DEMONYM@@ airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I've already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. Shall I go ahead and call them?"
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through @@DEMONYM@@ airspace
Last night, Air @@NAME@@ Flight 201 was diverted to an airport in rural Brasilistan after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the hostile country's airspace. Upon landing, waiting Brasilistan police entered the plane and hastily removed two stunned @@DEMONYM@@ journalists. It has since emerged that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Brasilistan's autocratic government, and are consequently now likely being subjected to extreme torture.

1- "It's nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!" sobs the flight's pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. "And unless you want those Brasilistani bullies abducting more @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, then you need to implement a total ban on us utilising Brasilistan's airspace - and them using ours - with immediate effect. Hey, I bet if you write a nice letter to @@REGION@@, other nations will follow our lead too!"
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@'s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- "Flight bans? Letters?" your top military general scoffs sardonically. "Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn't going to bring those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any aggression with the next level of escalation. They kidnapped our citizens? Then we'll bomb their cities!"
Effect: a man in the back saying "everyone attack!" has turned into the Brasilistan Blitz

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Brasilistani foreign minister is on the other end of the line. "You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists are now off the streets and behind bars, where they belong! Tell you what @@LEADER@@, you make a public statement affirming that the landing of Flight 201 is solely an internal matter for Brasilistan, and I'll see to it that the glorious nation of @@NAME@@ gets the best prices on exports of our world-famous, magnificent shining diamonds. Sparkle sparkle!"
Effect: blood diamonds are @@LEADER@@'s best friend

4- "I think what the Brasilistanis did is genius," shrewdly remarks your new office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. "This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over @@DEMONYM@@ airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I've already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. You just say the word."
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through @@DEMONYM@@ airspace
The Issue

Last night, Air @@NAME@@ Flight 201 was diverted to an airport in rural Blackacre after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the hostile country's airspace. Upon landing, waiting Blackacrean police entered the plane and hastily removed two stunned @@DEMONYM@@ journalists. It has since emerged that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Blackacre’s autocratic government, and are consequently now in all likelihood being subjected to extreme torture.

1- "It's nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!" sobs the flight's pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. "And unless you want those Blackacrean bullies abducting more @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@, then you need to implement a total ban on us utilising Blackacre’s airspace - and them using ours - with immediate effect. Hey, I bet if you write a nice letter to @@REGION@@, other nations will follow our lead too!"
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@'s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- "Flight bans? Letters?" your top military general scoffs sardonically. "Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn't going to bring those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any aggression with the next level of escalation. They kidnapped our citizens? Then we'll bomb their cities!"
Effect: a man in the back saying "everyone attack!" has turned into the Blackacre Blitz

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Blackacrean foreign minister is on the other end of the line. "You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists are now off the streets and behind bars, where they belong! Tell you what @@LEADER@@, you publicly declare that the landing of Flight 201 is solely an internal matter for Blackacre, and I'll see to it that the glorious nation of @@NAME@@ gets the best prices on our world-famous, exquisite luxury wristwatches. C’mon, tick-tock!”
Effect: @@LEADER@@ is wrist-deep in dirty deals

4- "I think what the Blackacreans did is genius," shrewdly remarks your new office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. "This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over @@DEMONYM@@ airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I've already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. Just say the word; I'll take care of the rest."
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through the nation's airspace
Last night, Air @@NAME@@ Flight 201 was diverted to an airport in rural Blackacre after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the hostile country's airspace. Upon landing, waiting Blackacrean police entered the plane and hastily removed two stunned @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists. It has since emerged that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Blackacre’s autocratic government, and are consequently now in all likelihood being subjected to extreme torture.

1- "It's nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!" sobs the flight's pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. "And the only way we can stop those Blackacrean bullies abducting more @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ is by implementing a total ban on us using Blackacre’s airspace - and them using ours - with immediate effect. I'm sure if you write a nice enough letter to @@REGION@@, other nations will follow our lead too!"
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@'s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- "Flight bans? Letters?" your top military general scoffs sardonically. "Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn't going to bring those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any aggression with the next level of escalation. They kidnapped our citizens? Then we'll bomb their cities!"
Effect: a man in the back saying "everyone attack!" has turned into the Blackacre Blitz

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Blackacrean foreign minister is on the other end of the line. "You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists are now off the streets and behind bars, where they belong! Tell you what @@LEADER@@, you publicly declare that the landing of Flight 201 is solely an internal matter for Blackacre, and I'll see to it that the glorious nation of @@NAME@@ gets the best prices on our world-famous, exquisite luxury wristwatches. C’mon, tick-tock!”
Effect: @@LEADER@@ is wrist-deep in dirty deals

4- "I think what the Blackacreans did is genius," shrewdly remarks your new office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. "This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over @@DEMONYM@@ airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I've already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. Just say the word; I'll take care of the rest."
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through the nation's airspace


The Issue

Last night, Air @@NAME@@ Flight 201 was diverted to an airport in rural Blackacre after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the hostile country's airspace. Upon landing, waiting Blackacrean police entered the plane and hastily removed two stunned @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists. It has since emerged that the journalists had previously written articles critical of Blackacre’s totalitarian government, and consequently are now in all likelihood being subjected to extreme torture.

1- "It's nothing more than a state-sanctioned hijacking!" sobs the flight's distraught pilot, sipping on a cup of hot cocoa. "I knew that bomb threat was bogus but when I'm in Blackacre's airspace, it's Blackacre's rules. I had no choice but to land! Unless you want this happening again, we need an immediate, total flight ban: none of our planes in their airspace, and no more of theirs in ours either. I bet a strongly-worded letter to @@REGION@@ will even persuade other nations to follow suit!"
Effect: foreign leaders are advising that @@LEADER@@'s letters must have gotten lost in the mail

2- "Flight bans? Letters?" your top military general scoffs sardonically. "Sorry to break it to you, but diplomacy isn't going to bring those journalists home. Everyone knows the first rule of war is to respond to any aggression with the next level of escalation. They kidnapped our citizens? Then we'll bomb their cities!"
Effect: a man in the back saying "everyone attack!" has turned into the Blackacre Blitz

3- Your office phone rings and, surprisingly, the Blackacrean foreign minister is on the other end of the line. "You lot should be thanking us! Those two repugnant terrorists are now off the streets and behind bars, where they belong! Tell you what @@LEADER@@, you publicly declare that the landing of Flight 201 is solely an internal matter for Blackacre, and I'll see to it that the glorious nation of @@NAME@@ gets the best prices on our world-famous, exquisite luxury wristwatches. C’mon, tick-tock!”
Effect: @@LEADER@@ is wrist-deep in dirty deals

4- "I think what the Blackacreans did is genius," shrewdly remarks your new office intern, handing you a bulky folder of freshly printed documents. "This here is a list of every foreign journalist who has dared write a critical piece on your benevolent regime. The ones who have flights booked over @@DEMONYM@@ airspace for the next few months are highlighted, and I've already got the number for air traffic control saved right here on my speed dial. Just say the word; I'll take care of the rest."
Effect: tumbleweeds are seen blowing through the nation's airspace
Last edited by Dabarastan on Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:46 pm, edited 15 times in total.

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Noahs Second Country
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Postby Noahs Second Country » Sat Jun 12, 2021 10:00 pm

A couple of brief thoughts:

It's a bit long, especially the description.

The options are somewhat boring, as the characters are pretty bland. While they are practical and reasonable considering the scenario, try making them more fun.
Last edited by Noahs Second Country on Sat Jun 12, 2021 10:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Sat Jun 12, 2021 10:26 pm

Noahs Second Country wrote:A couple of brief thoughts:

It's a bit long, especially the description.

The options are somewhat boring, as the characters are pretty bland. While they are practical and reasonable considering the scenario, try making them more fun.

Thanks Noah. Do you think the actual characters themselves need to change (with new roles) or just their respective tones of voice?
Last edited by Dabarastan on Sat Jun 12, 2021 10:27 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Sat Jun 19, 2021 2:12 am

Bump - I have significantly altered the draft, making the description shorter and adding more characterisation throughout. For the sake of brevity, I've also removed an element of the narrative (the involvement of Marche Blanche).

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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Jun 20, 2021 3:38 am

If it was diverted there, then how would avoid the air space work?
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Postby Dabarastan » Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:20 am

Australian rePublic wrote:If it was diverted there, then how would avoid the air space work?

It was diverted to a Brasilistani airport while flying through Brasilistani airspace. A country only has the power to force planes to land at its airports while the plane is flying in that country's airspace. This draft is loosely inspired by what the Belarusian government infamously did a few weeks ago: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryanair_Flight_4978

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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Jun 20, 2021 4:53 am

Dabarastan wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:If it was diverted there, then how would avoid the air space work?

It was diverted to a Brasilistani airport while flying through Brasilistani airspace. A country only has the power to force planes to land at its airports while the plane is flying in that country's airspace. This draft is loosely inspired by what the Belarusian government infamously did a few weeks ago: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ryanair_Flight_4978

You should mention that it was in Brasilistani airspace
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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Sun Jun 20, 2021 5:00 am

Australian rePublic wrote:You should mention that it was in Brasilistani airspace

From the intro:
was diverted to an airport in rural Brasilistan after being warned of an alleged bomb threat while flying through the country's airspace.

I did mention that it was in Brasilistani airspace. However, in that case, do you think the way I have written this sentence needs to change?

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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Tue Jun 22, 2021 7:42 pm

Bump.

EDIT: I've updated the OP with Draft 2.1. The following minor changes were made to Draft 2:

- The pilot now says "Brasilistani bullies", instead of "Brasilistani bastards" (more in line with their traumatised characterisation)
- To hopefully address what was discussed above with AusrePublic, the description now says "the hostile country's airspace" (to clarify we're talking about Brasilistan here)
- As "quizzingly" is an archaic term, the military general now "sardonically scoffs" instead.
- Very slight rewording of description for a nicer flow off the tongue.
- Your office intern is now your "new office intern".
Last edited by Dabarastan on Tue Jun 22, 2021 10:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Postby Fauxia » Wed Jun 23, 2021 8:55 pm

Brasilistan is not a good choice of NPC nations. It's best to leave ones from chains out in general, and certainly ones that have potentially been wiped off the face of the map.
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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Wed Jun 23, 2021 10:09 pm

Fauxia wrote:Brasilistan is not a good choice of NPC nations. It's best to leave ones from chains out in general, and certainly ones that have potentially been wiped off the face of the map.

Thanks. I replaced all references to Brasilistan with Blackacre, which led me to changing a fair chunk of option 3 too. I also changed a few verbs throughout the draft, so the OP is now edited with Draft 3.

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Postby Wille-Harlia » Thu Jun 24, 2021 1:05 pm

Just two things that I have feedback on: In the description, pretty sure it should be @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists, not @@DEMONYM@@? And for the final effect line, I don’t think it makes much sense to say that tumbleweeds are blowing through @@NAME@@‘s airspace, maybe change airspace to airports? Besides that it looks pretty good to me.
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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Thu Jun 24, 2021 8:41 pm

Wille-Harlia wrote:Just two things that I have feedback on: In the description, pretty sure it should be @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ journalists, not @@DEMONYM@@? And for the final effect line, I don’t think it makes much sense to say that tumbleweeds are blowing through @@NAME@@‘s airspace, maybe change airspace to airports? Besides that it looks pretty good to me.

Thank you. I've replaced @@DEMONYM@@ with @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ in the description. I understand your point about the fourth option's effect line however I think replacing "airspace" with "airport" also introduces some clarity problems itself. I'll consider writing an entirely new effect line altogether.

Meanwhile, I've also made a few changes to the flow of Option 1 (in my opinion, the dialogue is a touch more natural now). The OP has been updated with Draft 3.1. The deadline is fast approaching so I'd appreciate any additional feedback, if anyone has any. Thanks again!

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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Fri Jun 25, 2021 3:58 pm

I'm putting this on last call, as I may not have time to work on this at all on the 29th and 30th.

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Dabarastan
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Postby Dabarastan » Sun Jun 27, 2021 4:55 am

I've rewritten Option 1 to again add more exposition and characterisation. And with that I guess I'll give this one final bump! I'll be submitting this within the next day.

EDIT: Submitted.
Last edited by Dabarastan on Sun Jun 27, 2021 9:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.


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