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[PASSED] Commend Aynia Moreaux

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Tue Jan 04, 2022 2:49 pm

Support to the nominee. This is a solid start, but still could use some work. Good luck ^-^
Pland Adanna wrote:
The Security Council,

Recognizing Aynia Moreaux (henceforth referred to as Aynia) as a consistently brilliant cultural organizer and community builder;

Asserting that Aynia's founding of the region Caer Sidi (CS) through Caer Sidi Founder alongside Ghostfox, their consistent presence in CS leadership, their optimism, their forward drive, and their creative flair have meant that they not only created an exceptional sense of esprit de corps within the region, but were also able to spread this goodwill and have a positive impact abroad, as displayed in: This is both verbose and lacks character, try this:

Extolling Aynia's founding of Caer Sidi (CS) through their satellite state Caer Sidi Founder alongside Ghostfox, home to a vibrant and friendly community which over the years has grown to become one of the most prominent regions in the multiverse, to which Aynia then went on to significantly contribute to by:

  • their service as CS’s head of state in the role of Summer Queen from the moment of its founding and their guidance of the region through a leadership transition, which led Aynia to take on the reformed role of Seasonal Queen, all the while fostering the distinctive independent streak and the spirit of creativity on which CS prides itself;
  • their artistry in realizing a vision for CS’s government, culture, and geography, achieving a unique integration of politics with lore that continues to characterize the region today;
  • their magnificent ability to bring communities together through events and festivals that stimulate an invaluable generosity of knowledge and expertise, establishing CS as a cultural leader in NationStates through three iterations of UCR Con, Caerchella, and annual seasonal festivals such as Crystalrime and Summer’s End. Aynia’s ; Aynia's innovation promoted constructive interregional discussion, celebrated the rich variety of culture across the world, and facilitated the development of many close relations between regions involved;
Pointing to Grateful for Aynia’s assistance in the organization and moderation of NSGE 2020 Commending someone for "moderation" in context is likely illegal given the ruling on Commend Valentine Z, a worldwide festival to exhibit all the participating regions, including their recruitment of other nations to assist in its planning and execution. The ; the celebration allowed regions to learn from each other by sharing knowledge and experience, and provided a platform for nations to interact and form ties across regional borders;

Impressed by Aynia’s labor in Albion as Antovign through their two terms as Knight Interior, where they grew and enriched the region's population, resulting in a period of record-breaking regional activity and engagement, in addition to their service as Mayor of the city-state of Brightwall, the epicenter of Albion’s culture and history, where they fostered activity and interest after it had seen several irregular leadership turnovers in the previous months; "Fostered activity and interest" how?

Amazed at Aynia’s immense contributions to Equinox as Aynia in Sunglasses, which included serving multiple terms as head of government through the positions of Prime Minister and Chancellor, during which time they oversaw the executive departments, helped integrate new members, drove interest in the advancement of the region’s lore, and collaborated with the Hierarch of Equinox to draft a new constitution, and held the region together, postponing its collapse. << Postponing implies it was already dying, so it doesn't really sound impressive. I think it's best if you just remove that part as you already have a solid case for commendation without it~ || ; Aynia also workedAynia also worked as a dedicated member of the festival planning committee, where they were crucial in bringing energy and imagination to the planning of several events, such as the Equinox Olympics;

Lauding Aynia’s efforts in Arda en Estel as Antovign, where they handled all diplomatic matters as a dedicated Consul of Foreign Affairs, establishing a fundamental network of allies in the region’s youth and securing key treaties with entities such as Coalition Against the Ideology of Nazism (CAIN), the Land of Kings and Emperors, and United Kingdom CAIN, while notable in its era, was as far as I know generally a toxic cesspit that collapsed when it turned out that Brunhilde was a sexual predator. I initially made the mistake of putting it in Commend Altmoras, and then had to get rid of it. You shouldn't. As to LKE, we're talking about the imperialist region that turned a native community of Monty Python fans into a condemned imperialist region, co-founding the United Imperial Armed Forces and has griefed vulnerable communities for many years? No thanks.. Aynia ; Aynia also played a critical role in developing and implementing the region’s citizen retention methods and helped foster its vibrant cultural scene through their frequent hosting of games and as a key contributor to opportunities for citizens to engage with a variety of events, stalls, and festivals.

Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped draft the first constitutions and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace; and

Believing that Aynia’s achievements and service to the community through many regions deserve international recognition;

Hereby Commends Aynia Moreaux.

Co-authored by Khevo. Co-authors no longer go in proposal texts, FYI, as they are now an option in submitting.
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Tue Jan 04, 2022 2:55 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Guess and Check
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Postby Guess and Check » Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:13 pm

I make good on my promises, usually... at least half a year later!

Reads well. Narrative throughout this is great - there's a great sense of Aynia being a person known for organizing various cultural events. However, I feel there's some elaboration issues with many non-CS clauses that you should fix.

Feedback:

Asserting that Aynia's founding of the region Caer Sidi (CS) through Caer Sidi Founder alongside Ghostfox, their consistent presence in CS leadership, their optimism, their forward drive, and their creative flair have meant that they not only created an exceptional sense of esprit de corps within the region, but were also able to spread this goodwill and have a positive impact abroad, as displayed in:
I would rephrase this differently - you're trying to use parallel structure with the "their X, their Y, their Z" thing, but mentioning the founding of CS and their leadership kinda breaks that structure. If you could somehow split the bits on founding and leadership from the comma series (but still keep them in the same clause), that could make this read better. In other words, reword it a bit.

Would also try to rephrase the part on Aynia founding CS - it reads a bit confusing 'cause you interject "this is the nation they used to found it" between saying "anyia and ghostfox".

their service as CS’s head of state in the role of Summer Queen from the moment of its founding and their guidance of the region through a leadership transition, which led Aynia to take on the reformed role of Seasonal Queen, all the while fostering the distinctive independent streak and the spirit of creativity on which CS prides itself;
I'm aware this is difficult to quantify but could you state one or more ways how Anyia fostered such a spirit? Or provide an example of how she did it - it'd help the reader understand how Aynia accomplished this.

Pointing to Aynia’s assistance in the organization and moderation of NSGE 2020, a worldwide festival to exhibit all theparticipating regions, including their recruitment of other nations to assist in its planning and execution. The celebration allowed regions to learn from each other by sharing knowledge and experience, and provided a platform for nations to interact and form ties across regional borders;
Better without the, I think.

Impressed by Aynia’s labor in Albion as Antovign through their two terms as Knight Interior, where they grew and enriched the region's population, resulting in a period of record-breaking regional activity and engagement, in addition to their service as Mayor of the city-state of Brightwall, the epicenter of Albion’s culture and history, where they fostered activity and interest after it had seen several irregular leadership turnovers in the previous months;
Okay two things:
1. This is a bit long-winded. Grammatically correct and not a run-on, but it kinda feels it goes on and on. Maybe use a semicolon somewhere in the clause? Or a period is acceptable. Something to break it up.

2. Elaborate more on how Aynia "grew and enriched" the region's population and how they "fostered activity and interest" in Brightwall.

You did well with the CS clause, give Aynia's work here the same justice.

Amazed at Aynia’s immense contributions to Equinox as Aynia in Sunglasses, which included serving multiple terms as head of government through the positions of Prime Minister and Chancellor, during which time they oversaw the executive departments, helped integrate new members, drove interest in the advancement of the region’s lore, collaborated with the Hierarch of Equinox to draft a new constitution, and held the region together, postponing its collapse. Aynia also worked as a dedicated member of the festival planning committee, where they were crucial in bringing energy and imagination to the planning of several events, such as the Equinox Olympics;
How is overseeing Executive departments commendable? That is the job of any Executive leader.

Is "held the region together" meant to specify some certain action Aynia took, or is it just summarizing the comma series? Bit confused on that

Also could you add another one of the festivals Anyia helped plan as an example? Would provide more evidence to the clause. It's fine as is, but adding in another example would be even better.

Lauding Aynia’s efforts in Arda en Estel as Antovign, where they handled all diplomatic matters as a dedicated Consul of Foreign Affairs, establishing a fundamental network of allies in the region’s youth and securing key treaties with entities such as Coalition Against the Ideology of Nazism (CAIN), the Land of Kings and Emperors, and United Kingdom. Aynia also played a critical role in developing and implementing the region’s citizen retention methods and helped foster its vibrant cultural scene through their frequent hosting of games and as a key contributor to opportunities for citizens to engage with a variety of events, stalls, and festivals.
Why did these treaties matter to Arda en Estel?

May be a bit much to fit in this clause, but if possible could you somehow explain what citizen retention methods Aynia created, or at least provide an example?

"as a key contributor to opportunities for citizens to engage with a variety of events..." this reads a bit weirdly, is there any words you can use besides "key contributor" or otherwise reword this phrase?

Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped draft the first constitutions and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace;
Constitution, not constitutions. Unless Aynia drafted more than one constitution, in which case I'd say "they helped draft the region's early constitutions".

Believing that Aynia’s achievements and service to the community through many regions deserve international recognition;
This isn't a bad ending, but maybe there's a way to focus this on how Aynia improved so many region's via cultural events and lore? It seems to be what causes them to stand out, and ergo I think it'd be nice if we get another reference to that (alonside the first clause in the draft).
Last edited by Guess and Check on Thu Jan 06, 2022 8:27 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Wed Jan 19, 2022 10:38 am

Thanks for the feedback! I just wanted to note that we are working on incorporating it into a new draft.

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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Mon Feb 14, 2022 4:50 pm

Okay, I just posted a new draft! Let the feedback continue!

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Mon Feb 14, 2022 5:08 pm

Pland Adanna wrote:Lauding Aynia’s efforts in Arda en Estel as Antovign, where they handled all diplomatic matters as a dedicated Consul of Foreign Affairs, establishing a fundamental network of allies and securing key treaties in the region’s youth; served as the primary recruiter of nations to join the region and played a critical role in developing and implementing the region’s citizen retention methods, such as the organization of a welcoming team to greet nations;and helped foster its vibrant cultural scene through their frequent hosting of games and their assistance in creating opportunities for citizens to engage with a variety of events, stalls, and festivals;

You seem to have a typo here :P
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The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort - Altmoras
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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Mon Feb 14, 2022 7:46 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Pland Adanna wrote:Lauding Aynia’s efforts in Arda en Estel as Antovign, where they handled all diplomatic matters as a dedicated Consul of Foreign Affairs, establishing a fundamental network of allies and securing key treaties in the region’s youth; served as the primary recruiter of nations to join the region and played a critical role in developing and implementing the region’s citizen retention methods, such as the organization of a welcoming team to greet nations;and helped foster its vibrant cultural scene through their frequent hosting of games and their assistance in creating opportunities for citizens to engage with a variety of events, stalls, and festivals;

You seem to have a typo here :P

Thanks for catching that! Should be fixed now.

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Matthew the Man
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Postby Matthew the Man » Mon Feb 14, 2022 10:45 pm

might as well put all that time in Hartfelden to use here, eh?

A small addition if I may:

Aynia's role in Hartfelden was more extensive than just being an integral part of its founding. She has been a present part of the region, serving as its primary justice for a period of time that well extended into Hartfelden's middling years. She also has been a key component of the region's peerage, primarily in the form of a leading member of the Privy Council, by providing critical analysis and advisement on regional matters that were not openly disclosed at the time. I'm unsure if you want to include all this, but I do want to state that Aynia's role and involvement in Hartfelden didn't simply end after the region's initial stages.

Overall, I am generally liking this draft and am supportive of the nominee. Hope to see this at vote sometime soon!
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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Sun Mar 06, 2022 9:28 am

The draft has been updated with the more expansive Hartfelden clause and a few other things. Keep the feedback coming!

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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Sat Mar 12, 2022 4:21 pm

I've moved this to a last call. Please get your comments in if you haven't already!

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Free Azell
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Postby Free Azell » Sat Mar 12, 2022 4:37 pm

Well written! Full Support!

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sat Mar 12, 2022 9:36 pm

Good luck!
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The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort - Altmoras
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Fachumonn
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Postby Fachumonn » Sun Mar 13, 2022 8:05 am

Support as written!

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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Sun Mar 13, 2022 6:33 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:Good luck!
Fachumonn wrote:Support as written!
Free Azell wrote:Well written! Full Support!

Thank you so much!

I've updated the draft just a tiny bit, nothing major though.
Last edited by Pland Adanna on Sun Mar 13, 2022 6:34 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Apatosaurus
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Postby Apatosaurus » Sun Mar 13, 2022 6:43 pm

Pland Adanna wrote:Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped draft the first constitution and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace. Their consistent guidance has been a valuable asset to Hartfelden, whether as its primary justice or as a leader in the Privy Council, where they acted as an advisor on important regional matters; and

Minor changes to make this read better:
Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped write the first constitution and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace; their consistent guidance and advice to regional leaders has also been a valuable asset to Hartfelden, whether as its primary justice or as a leader in the Privy Council; and


Also, for those of us out of the loop, what is the Privy Council?
Last edited by Apatosaurus on Sun Mar 13, 2022 6:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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I wish i could be quoted in a forum sig v_v - Alfonzo
The difference between an invader and an imperialist is that...the imperialist will write several paragraphs about how the region's poll officer's cousin's friend's soccer coach once arranged his fridge magnets to spell out FRA and this is therefore a great leap forward in their war effort - Altmoras
I'm happy to accept an ideological ban rule where Max lists every single ideology and tells us whether every single policy does or does not ban every possible ideology - Imperium Anglorum
That's like saying that gasoline tastes better than diesel when cheesecake is on the menu - Separatist Peoples

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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Tue Mar 15, 2022 7:29 pm

Apatosaurus wrote:
Pland Adanna wrote:Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped draft the first constitution and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace. Their consistent guidance has been a valuable asset to Hartfelden, whether as its primary justice or as a leader in the Privy Council, where they acted as an advisor on important regional matters; and

Minor changes to make this read better:
Recognizing Aynia’s foundational role in Hartfelden as Aynia von Funkeln, where they helped write the first constitution and, as Minister of Culture, painstakingly mapped out the empire, an endeavor of great navigational use to the region’s populace; their consistent guidance and advice to regional leaders has also been a valuable asset to Hartfelden, whether as its primary justice or as a leader in the Privy Council; and


Also, for those of us out of the loop, what is the Privy Council?


Thanks for the feedback! I've incorporated your suggestion. My understanding is that Aynia's role in the Privy Council consisted of mostly providing advice on regional matters that were more secret and that this was the main job of the Privy Council.

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Pland Adanna
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Postby Pland Adanna » Fri Mar 18, 2022 6:32 am

This proposal has been submitted. If you are a WA Delegate, we'd greatly appreciate your approval: https://www.nationstates.net/page=UN_view_proposal/id=pland_adanna_1647610206

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Fachumonn
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Postby Fachumonn » Fri Mar 18, 2022 7:43 am

This has been approved!

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Postby Xeknos » Thu Mar 31, 2022 11:45 pm

Are they hot?
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Reino Cruz
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Postby Reino Cruz » Sun Apr 03, 2022 3:50 pm

Concordo

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Postby Malphe II » Mon Apr 04, 2022 9:40 am

Xeknos wrote:Are they hot?

What? Stop that.
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Postby Tinhampton » Mon Apr 04, 2022 10:21 am

Commend Aynia Moreaux was passed 13,035 votes to 2,184. (85.65% support)
Last edited by Tinhampton on Mon Apr 04, 2022 10:21 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Apatosaurus II » Mon Apr 04, 2022 12:24 pm

Tinhampton wrote:
Commend Aynia Moreaux was passed 13,035 votes to 2,184. (85.65% support)

Congratulations to the nominee! (and, of course, the authors)
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Postby Unibot III » Wed Apr 06, 2022 6:33 pm

Congratulations! Well deserved!
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