The Issue:
Noting your increasing workload and following recent studies showing the positive effects of pets on general health, your advisers have suggested that you get one to keep you company. The trouble is, they can't quite agree on which species.
The Debate:
Option one: "Get a cat, dude" advises your younger sibling @@RANDOMNAME@@ after riding into your office on a skateboard, "Cats represent the free, roaming spirit of @@NAME@@. They do whatever they want, and nobody tells them what to do!" @@HE@@ steals the sandwich on your desk you were going to eat for lunch, and somehow skateboards out the window while shouting "Cats are awesome, man," into the distance.
Effect: @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ often say that @@LEADER@@ is the cat's meow
Option two: "Don't listen to that beatnik anarchist, @@LEADER@@! Get a dog!" barks your severe-looking uncle and decorated military general @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, who is notorious for never taking off his uniform, even in the bath. "Dogs represent the hard-working strength of @@NAME@@. They're fiercely loyal to you and will obey every command, just like the best @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ citizens!" He snatches a handful of caramels from the bowl on your desk and marches off
Effect: @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ find that @@LEADER@@ treats them like dogs
Option three: (capitalist nations only) "All of those are nice, but only one represents the industrious spirit of @@NAME@@ - the hamster," says your immaculately dressed Finance Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ munches on your doughnut. "The hamster is a true model of the capitalist @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ dream, as it runs on its little wheel for hours on end, all to get to... well never mind. The point is, hamsters are the icon of @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ capitalism and there would be nothing more supportive of that then getting a hamster!" @@HE@@ struts off, @@HIS@@ dress rendered somewhat less immaculate from the bagel crumbs.
Effect: @@NAME@@ has forsaken the rat race in favour of the hamster race
Option three: (socialist nations only) "Comrade @@LEADER@@, all of those other animals are mere trivialities when compared to the model of the @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ worker - the hamster!" says your People's Commissar for Industry @@RANDOMNAME@@ says as @@HE@@ devours your doughnut in full worker's uniform. "The hamster is the socialist icon of @@NAME@@, as its continuous run on its wheel makes it the idea role model for @@DENONYMPLURAL@@ in the factories, and just like those workers, the hamster's run is all worth it when it... well, never mind, but you get the idea!"
Effect: @@NAME@@ is a firm believer in the principle of "from each according to their tiny legs, to each according to their little spinny wheel"
Option four: "All these proposed pets are nothing but heathen in the eyes of the almighty Violet!" cries the Grand Poobah of the Order of Violet @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ sucks on a peppermint from the bowl on your desk. "All of these furry animals soil the purity of a proper Violetist home with their loathsome shedding. By contrast, a parrot has nothing of the sort! Its majestic plumage will render your home, the great house of @@LEADER@@, a shine of almighty Violet!" @@HE@@ somehow manages to swoop out of the room, leaving you with one peppermint fewer.
Effect: birdwatchers are confused at @@LEADER@@'s call to "seek the violet parrot"
Option five: "BOO!" shouts your hooligan niece as she jumps out from behind you and sticks her wet finger in your ear. "Haha, I totally scared you. @@LEADER@@, you should get a tarantula. They're great scaring people! If the leader of Brancaville or Maxland or whatever was negotiating with you and you brought a giant spider, they’d be so freaked out, they’d do whatever you want! Anyone want to pet mine? I call it Boris." She holds out her tarantula to your personal staff, but finds they've all left, giving the spider ample opportunity to devour the breath mint you were intending to have with lunch.
Effect: @@NAME@@ is a pioneer in “arachnophobia diplomacy”
Option six: "@@LEADER@@, hear me out, okay, hear me out on this one," stammers local science fair winner @@RANDOMNAME@@, bearing a briefcase building with various blueprints for contraptions of dubious compliance with zoning codes. "I'm thinking, like, a dinosaur, okay, that we get by cloning DNA or something from a fossil, okay, and then it has like, fricking laser beams coming out of its eyes, and it has like, freaking steel wings, and like, you'd ride it on a giant saddle, and it would have, like, a freaking grenade launcher attached to the wings, and you'd ride it everywhere, and like, launch grenades our enemies, or something. And we'd get like, a crack team of top @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ scientists, like freaking geniuses, with me as the leader of course, and we'd build it for you." @@HE@@ steals your military aide-de-camp's sandwich and slowly walks away muttering and eating as @@HIS@@ white hair crackles with electricity.
Effect: top scientists in @@NAME@@ are picked at a young age based on the depth of vision of their drawings of Martians blowing up @@CAPITAL@@
Option seven: Suddenly, you hear a loud buzzing sound coming from your door. You and all your advisors look and see a large tortoise blocking the door, gazing deep into your eyes as if into your soul. You begin to feel sleepy, and your eyes feel droopy, but you can't stop yourself from staring into is eyes. You feel your mouth move and you utter words, although you don't know what they are. After however long, you don't know, you suddenly come to. You don't feel any different, but all the food your advisors took from you is gone, and so is the tortoise.
Effect: conspiracy theorists believing in a secret cabal of lizard-people controlling @@NAME@@ have been vindicated with @@LEADER@@'s new proclamation of "All glory to the hypno-tortoise"
Option eight: "@@LEADER@@, do you know how inefficient you'd become with a pet?" mutters your curmudgeonly Finance Minister @@RANDOMNAME@@. "I've run the numbers, and it doesn't look good. Pets create piles of waste that you have to clean up, require food and water, and are often very demanding for trivialities like love and affection, while contributing little to you in return. They are, in short, a useless waste of time and effort." @@HE@@ quickly downs your morning coffee, perking up his soulless eyes somewhat, and stomps away.
Effect: pet lovers across @@NAME@@ are outraged at @@LEADER@@ dismissal of their only friends as "useless"
