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[SUBMITTED] Rise of the planet of the @@ANIMAL@@

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Islands Of Ventro
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[SUBMITTED] Rise of the planet of the @@ANIMAL@@

Postby Islands Of Ventro » Fri Apr 09, 2021 6:49 pm

I just want some advice.

Edit: April 13th will be the Last call and the 15th will be when I submit the issue.
Edit: Dates have been pushed back to April 15th and 17th
Edit: Dates have been pushed back to April 22nt and 25th

Edit: Dates have been pushed back to April 24th and April 27th
After a movie about @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ rising against @@NAME@@ went viral in the box offices, people are beginning to wonder if this new type of movie is appropriate.

Limiting factors:
Do not show this to a nation without internet

Choice 1: You're having a nice conversation with your head of Animal control @@RANDOMNAME@@ when a person from outside your window starts yelling at you, " Take Rise of the planet of the @@ANIMAL@@ of the market, it promotes violence toward @@ANIMALPLURAL@@. Think of what will happen if people take this too seriously, @@ANIMAL@@ could die! You should prohibit all movies or tv shows that prohibit show this sort of violence toward innocent @@ANIMALPLURAL@@!"

Limiting factors: None

Result: masses are being forced to love @@ANIMALPLURAL@@



Choice 2: “The man outside is being ridiculous,” says critically-acclaimed movie director Stoven Stovenburg (Who was waiting outside for a meeting). “I made the movie to be purely a fictional piece about what could happen if @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ gained enough intelligence to take over the world, and we both know that that is nEvER going to happen. In fact, subsidize this kind of movie industry just so we can prove to them that there is no danger whatsoever."

Limiting Factors: None

Result: People cram into theaters to see @@ANIMAL@@ kill humans



Choice 3: You aunt barges into the room carrying your niece in her arms and your niece is bawling, "Please @@LEADER@@ get rid of all the movies, I brought little @@FEMALENAME@@ to see a 'PG' movie about cars. It scared her so much that she broke into this crying fit and has not stopped except to fit. THAT WAS THREE DAYS AGO! Please just ban all movies, for you nieces sake".

Limiting factors: None


Result: movie theaters around the country are shutting down


Choice 4: As you walk down the hallway a man in a dark suit and sunglasses approaches you. He says, “ I can make all of this ‘Intelligent @@ANIMALPLURAL@@‘ a reality for you, imagine having an army of intelligent @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ to fight by your side. It will be a feat to behold for both your military and your scientific community”. He slows down and talks a little more quietly, “Now let’s talk about my price.”.

Limiting Factors: None

Result: @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ are taught how to operate weapons at a young age
Last edited by Islands Of Ventro on Wed Apr 28, 2021 7:38 am, edited 13 times in total.
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Islands Of Ventro
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Sat Apr 10, 2021 4:27 pm

Is anybody willing to give feedback???
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Electrum
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Postby Electrum » Sat Apr 10, 2021 5:47 pm

Would this really be an issue leader would face? I think people can distinguish between fiction and reality pretty well to not be concerned about the rise of @@ANIMAL@@ in @@NAME@@.
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Postby Eshialand » Sat Apr 10, 2021 5:55 pm

Electrum wrote:Would this really be an issue leader would face? I think people can distinguish between fiction and reality pretty well to not be concerned about the rise of @@ANIMAL@@ in @@NAME@@.

To be entirely fair, in Issue #556 "Here Be Dragons?", your citizens find an old map and it tricks them into thinking that dragons actually exist, so there is precedent for an issue like this. I'm unsure if this would be too similar to that issue though.
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Postby Electrum » Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:00 pm

Eshialand wrote:
Electrum wrote:Would this really be an issue leader would face? I think people can distinguish between fiction and reality pretty well to not be concerned about the rise of @@ANIMAL@@ in @@NAME@@.

To be entirely fair, in the issue "Here Be Dragons?" (if I'm remembering the name correctly), your citizens find an old map and it tricks them into thinking that dragons actually exist, so there is precedent for an issue like this. I'm unsure if this would be too similar to that issue though.


You're entirely right. But the problem with this issue compared to the other one is that everyone in "Here Be Dragons?" accepts that dragons are not real. Whereas that's not really the case here -- people are taking the idea @@ANIMAL@@ taking over @@NAME@@ seriously.
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Postby Ancapimania » Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:07 pm

Electrum wrote:
Eshialand wrote:To be entirely fair, in the issue "Here Be Dragons?" (if I'm remembering the name correctly), your citizens find an old map and it tricks them into thinking that dragons actually exist, so there is precedent for an issue like this. I'm unsure if this would be too similar to that issue though.


You're entirely right. But the problem with this issue compared to the other one is that everyone in "Here Be Dragons?" accepts that dragons are not real. Whereas that's not really the case here -- people are taking the idea @@ANIMAL@@ taking over @@NAME@@ seriously.

Yeah but we give this to nations with low intelligence

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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Sat Apr 10, 2021 6:24 pm

This is my first legit issue that I’m trying to make and for feed back this is what I have so far:

Use two @@ not just one

Problems I still have:

Anything in general that could be used to tweak my issue

Pluralizing @@animal@@

Still not understanding how the Validity works
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sat Apr 10, 2021 11:18 pm

Why @@ANIMAL@@? Why not an animal that we know could gain some level of intelligence? Also, what would trigger this? In the Rise of the Planet of the Apes, there was a drug that caused it. In the original 1968 movie, I'm pretty sure it was a nuclear explosion
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Postby Tsaivao » Sat Apr 10, 2021 11:28 pm

Validity just means that "You have to have a certain policy/stat level to get this issue/option"

For example, Issue #132 "World Assembly Woes" wouldn't make sense for a nation that's not in the World Assembly, so one of the conditions is that the nation must be in the WA. Another example is in a different issue (whose name I cannot find for some reason) where a national holiday is proposed for @@LEADER@@. One of the options suggests a day of nudity to celebrate @@LEADER@@, which is an option that wouldn't make sense for a nation that already has clothing banned (such as me). So for that particular option, the validity would be "does not have nudism policy"

Another thing: due to how the website works, the "effect" part of your issue needs to be formatted differently (since it appears in the last paragraph on your nation's main page, in a list). Don't capitalize the issue effect, and do not end it with any punctuation.

Wrong: Masses are being forced to love @Animal@.
Right: masses are being forced to love @@ANIMALPLURAL@@

As for a thorough review to the content of the issue... *cracks feather... knuckles*
After a movie about @Animal@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ rising up against @Nation@ @@NAME@@ went viral in the box offices, people are beginning to wonder if this could really happen.

Limiting factors: ???

Choice 1: “KILL THEM! KILL THEM ALL BEFORE THEY KILL US!” yells a protester from out side outside your window while your haveing having a nice conversation with your head of Animal control @Name@ @@RANDOMNAME@@. “This is outraged outrageous!” they say, “Who in their right mind would want to kill all of the @Animal@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ in @Nation@ @@NAME@@?! In fact, we should be doing more to protect them now that these people are on the lose loose!”

Note: The underlined portion is very troubling here, as you want to keep the tone consistent throughout the option. Switching from one kind of option to the other is not good form, and for people who skim through issues (like me), this will lead to a lot of frustrated misclicks.

Limiting factors: ???

Result: Mmasses are being forced to love @Animal@.@@ANIMALPLURAL@@



Choice 2: “The man outside has a point,, says critically-acclaimed movie director Stoven Stovenburg. “I made the movie with the intention of warning the masses what could happen if we give a @Animal@ to the @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ too much freedom. I propose that we not kill them but limit there their rights.”

Note: What this character proposes doesn't really make much sense to me. While animal rights are a thing, the way it's worded makes this feel like Stoven is referring to a group of sentient people physically removing rights from another group of sentient people... I recommend maybe something like "I propose that we keep them on a tight leash!"

Limiting Factors: ???

Result: @Animal@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ could be arrested by doing the littlest smallest thing.



Choice 3: “I actually quite like the movie,” states your nephew, who has been sitting in the corner watching it (is this necessary?). “Though I’m not sure I like how people are taking this seriously, I’m. I mean their they're just @Animal@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@. I think that instead of listening to these loony’s loonies, you should just subsidize the movie industry for these kind of movies instead.”

Underlined portion again. This one really doesn't make sense and seems like a complete non-sequitur. Why exactly would this be a logical statement to follow the previous one? Wouldn't subsidizing the movie industry worsen the problem according to the nephew's view? "People are taking this too seriously, so let's make more movies for more people to freak out over," is what I'm hearing.

Limiting factors: ???


Result: many people go to the movie theater to see mice grow arms and legs and destroy a city

Mice already have arms and legs last I checked :p . Also, I don't think using "mice" specifically would be a good idea due to RL reference, perhaps use "small forest creatures"

Choice 4: As your little band(very weird wording) leaves the room, you can still hear the man out side outside the door talking. “Kill them all, and there will be no possibility of a takeover in the first place,! Nip it at the bud, as my grandfather used to say. Just please listen to me, I don’t want to go to war with intelligent @Animal@@@ANIMALPLURAL@@!"

Limiting factors: ???

Result: many @Animal@ @@ANIMALPLURAL@@ are kept in hiding due to the persecution eradication of their species


Verdict: Needs a looooot of work. I recommend first fixing the grammatical mistakes I pointed out, and then reworking the general logic of the issue, as some options don't make much sense internally. I'd also recommend writing the issue's contents to be somewhat more snappy in general, as to me it reads fairly slow. Keep working at it though, lord knows I've tried and failed to make many issues before, just don't give up.
Last edited by Tsaivao on Sun Apr 11, 2021 12:19 am, edited 7 times in total.
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Islands Of Ventro
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Sun Apr 11, 2021 7:56 am

Gotcha, I’ll edit it up. Wish there was a way to add a co-author for issues cause you basically reworked half my issue and made it much better.


Edit: Finsihed updating it, added new ending to the nephew one for better characterization and fixed all the grammatical things you pointed out. Sorry it took so long, don’t have my computer right now so had to do this on mobile, thanks for all the help. :)
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Islands Of Ventro
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Mon Apr 12, 2021 5:04 am

I added another option
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Arena Bowl VIII - Lost in Quarterfinals
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Postby Noahs Second Country » Wed Apr 14, 2021 4:41 pm

Islands Of Ventro wrote:Gotcha, I’ll edit it up. Wish there was a way to add a co-author for issues cause you basically reworked half my issue and made it much better.


Edit: Finsihed updating it, added new ending to the nephew one for better characterization and fixed all the grammatical things you pointed out. Sorry it took so long, don’t have my computer right now so had to do this on mobile, thanks for all the help. :)

Coauthorship is allowed, add a note somewhere in the issue submission.

However, I have to agree with Electrum here, this doesn't feel like a real dilemma.

(Also, why is everything centered?).
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Thu Apr 15, 2021 5:21 am

Sorry I wrote a entire response but then I go buggy and could not send it, lost it. Here’s a summery,

“First time writing a issue legitimately, Thank you for all the help, hope the mod team likes it, it was centered cause idk I thought it looked cool.”
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Postby Daarwyrth » Thu Apr 15, 2021 6:36 am

Islands Of Ventro wrote:Sorry I wrote a entire response but then I go buggy and could not send it, lost it. Here’s a summery,

“First time writing a issue legitimately, Thank you for all the help, hope the mod team likes it, it was centered cause idk I thought it looked cool.”

Wowow, wait, wait, you're moving too fast. This issue still needs work and has been up for commentary only about a week. Issue drafts usually stay up for commentary for much longer, two, three or four weeks if not more. Have you for example worked on the commentary that Noah stated, namely that a dilemma is lacking in the draft? I'd take both Electrum's and Noah's feedback into consideration if I were you, since both of them are issue editors.

I strongly advise you to keep the draft up for commentary and feedback for a few more weeks, so that it can properly gather the comments and feedback that it needs.
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Islands Of Ventro
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:21 am

Daarwyrth wrote:
Islands Of Ventro wrote:Sorry I wrote a entire response but then I go buggy and could not send it, lost it. Here’s a summery,

“First time writing a issue legitimately, Thank you for all the help, hope the mod team likes it, it was centered cause idk I thought it looked cool.”

Wowow, wait, wait, you're moving too fast. This issue still needs work and has been up for commentary only about a week. Issue drafts usually stay up for commentary for much longer, two, three or four weeks if not more. Have you for example worked on the commentary that Noah stated, namely that a dilemma is lacking in the draft? I'd take both Electrum's and Noah's feedback into consideration if I were you, since both of them are issue editors.

I strongly advise you to keep the draft up for commentary and feedback for a few more weeks, so that it can properly gather the comments and feedback that it needs.



I guess I could leave it up to the 22nt and 25th

edit: Im not sure I understand what you mean when you say the underlying dimilia
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Postby Daarwyrth » Thu Apr 15, 2021 9:27 am

Islands Of Ventro wrote:I guess I could leave it up to the 22nt and 25th

edit: Im not sure I understand what you mean when you say the underlying dimilia

Most if not all issues have an underlying dilemma. For example, environmentalists will want to place more windturbines, but local resident don't want to have it in their backyard. That is a dilemma, whether you choose environmentalism over the residents, or the other way around.

Your issue currently has no dilemma, because from what I see it comes down to "there's a movie and people wonder whether it could come true". There isn't a dilemma in the sense of "if we choose this, we have to choose A over B". That is at least how I would explain it, perhaps Noah or Electrum see it differently, but I think that is what they meant.
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Thu Apr 15, 2021 10:40 am

Daarwyrth wrote:
Islands Of Ventro wrote:I guess I could leave it up to the 22nt and 25th

edit: Im not sure I understand what you mean when you say the underlying dimilia

Most if not all issues have an underlying dilemma. For example, environmentalists will want to place more windturbines, but local resident don't want to have it in their backyard. That is a dilemma, whether you choose environmentalism over the residents, or the other way around.

Your issue currently has no dilemma, because from what I see it comes down to "there's a movie and people wonder whether it could come true". There isn't a dilemma in the sense of "if we choose this, we have to choose A over B". That is at least how I would explain it, perhaps Noah or Electrum see it differently, but I think that is what they meant.

I get what your saying now, so if I edit it a bit it it could be,

Stoven does not like @@ANIMAL@@ so he is advocating against them your. Your nephew wants more fun movies. @@Animal@@ advocaters want calmer movies with less gruesome intentions.
Last edited by Islands Of Ventro on Sat April 20th, 1982, edited 69,419 times in total.
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Postby Daarwyrth » Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:08 am

Islands Of Ventro wrote:
Daarwyrth wrote:Most if not all issues have an underlying dilemma. For example, environmentalists will want to place more windturbines, but local resident don't want to have it in their backyard. That is a dilemma, whether you choose environmentalism over the residents, or the other way around.

Your issue currently has no dilemma, because from what I see it comes down to "there's a movie and people wonder whether it could come true". There isn't a dilemma in the sense of "if we choose this, we have to choose A over B". That is at least how I would explain it, perhaps Noah or Electrum see it differently, but I think that is what they meant.

I get what your saying now, so if I edit it a bit it it could be,

Stoven does not like @@ANIMAL@@ so he is advocating against them your. Your nephew wants more fun movies. @@Animal@@ advocaters want calmer movies with less gruesome intentions.

The last part, namely that @@ANIMAL@@ advocaters want movies with less animal violence, I think that might be a subject area that you could draft an issue around. It could be a dilemma between on the one hand freedom of expression, and on the other, less depictions of animal cruelty. The movie in question could remain Rise of the Planet of the @@ANIMAL@@, but then the content of the movie wouldn't be the issue, but the way how it portrays animal cruelty for example.

My advice would be to try to draft an issue around that topic.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Thu Apr 15, 2021 11:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Islands Of Ventro » Thu Apr 15, 2021 3:38 pm

Daarwyrth wrote:
Islands Of Ventro wrote:I get what your saying now, so if I edit it a bit it it could be,

Stoven does not like @@ANIMAL@@ so he is advocating against them your. Your nephew wants more fun movies. @@Animal@@ advocaters want calmer movies with less gruesome intentions.

The last part, namely that @@ANIMAL@@ advocaters want movies with less animal violence, I think that might be a subject area that you could draft an issue around. It could be a dilemma between on the one hand freedom of expression, and on the other, less depictions of animal cruelty. The movie in question could remain Rise of the Planet of the @@ANIMAL@@, but then the content of the movie wouldn't be the issue, but the way how it portrays animal cruelty for example.

My advice would be to try to draft an issue around that topic.


Great idea,I’ll try and do that but right now I don’t have the time too so I’ll try to get to it as soon as possible.
Last edited by Islands Of Ventro on Sat April 20th, 1982, edited 69,419 times in total.
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Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Democratic Socialists

Postby Islands Of Ventro » Tue Apr 20, 2021 8:50 am

COMPLETELY REVAMPED THE ISSUE
Last edited by Islands Of Ventro on Sat April 20th, 1982, edited 69,419 times in total.
Wow this sign is pretty dull so here’s a couple factbook links: Frick I’m over the character limit, just go to my Factbook and look at them yourself.
In other news a wild trout went on a rampage in Ere City managing to kill three people and injuring 17 before succumbing to asphyxiation and dying, it is thought that it escaped out of a truck transporting trout nearby
First Annual Gardivia National Chess Championship - Henry Reque; 19th
Arena Bowl VIII - Lost in Quarterfinals
WCH 42 - Lost in qualifiers
RTC Under 18 World Cup 13 - Lost in Round of 16
Despicable
Frisbeeteria:
Now that this thread is of legal age to be locked as spam, iLock.

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Islands Of Ventro
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Posts: 255
Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Democratic Socialists

Postby Islands Of Ventro » Sun Apr 25, 2021 1:49 pm

Last call has been initiated
Last edited by Islands Of Ventro on Sat April 20th, 1982, edited 69,419 times in total.
Wow this sign is pretty dull so here’s a couple factbook links: Frick I’m over the character limit, just go to my Factbook and look at them yourself.
In other news a wild trout went on a rampage in Ere City managing to kill three people and injuring 17 before succumbing to asphyxiation and dying, it is thought that it escaped out of a truck transporting trout nearby
First Annual Gardivia National Chess Championship - Henry Reque; 19th
Arena Bowl VIII - Lost in Quarterfinals
WCH 42 - Lost in qualifiers
RTC Under 18 World Cup 13 - Lost in Round of 16
Despicable
Frisbeeteria:
Now that this thread is of legal age to be locked as spam, iLock.


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