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[SUBMITTED] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

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Daarwyrth
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[SUBMITTED] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Mar 26, 2021 4:48 am

I came up with this one rather on the fly, so please let me know if this works :) Especially concerning the language, as well as the Validity (if the language is a little too much, then course a 'no class nations' Validity should be added). Anyway, feedback and commentary are highly appreciated!

CURRENT DRAFT:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

[Validity] None

[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital shipping passages named in your honour! An exceptionally large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground as a result of stormy weather and the captain's overconfidence, and has now clogged the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.

[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure Lex Atiff. "We need to gather all the manpower that we can lay our hands on and squirt them into the canal like a giant enema. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we clamp down hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared and breathe a lot easier."

[Effect 1] there's no bog that can't be cleared with a good flush of resources

[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if shit hits the fan again?" says your Minister of Health, while washing down a fibre-rich meal with a tall glass of prune juice. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."

[Effect 2] no load is too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal

[Option 3] "Oh, don't be such a pain in the ass," bellows the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it. It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."

[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning


DRAFT 4:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

[Validity] None

[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital shipping passages named in your honour! An exceptionally large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground as a result of stormy weather and the captain's overconfidence, and has now clogged the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.

[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure. "We need to flush the canal with all the manpower that we have. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we just squeeze really hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared, and breathe a lot easier."

[Effect 1] there's no bog that can't be cleared with a good flush of resources

[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if this happens again?" says your Minister of Health, while voraciously consuming a fibre-rich meal. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."

[Effect 2] no load is too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal

[Option 3] "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it," says the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."

[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning


DRAFT 3:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

[Validity] None

[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital shipping passages named in your honour! An exceptionally large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground after performing a series of provocative manoeuvres last night, and has now clogged the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.

[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure. "We need to flush the canal with all the manpower that we have. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we just squeeze really hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared, and breathe a lot easier."

[Effect 1] there's no bog that can't be cleared with a good flush of resources

[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if this happens again?" says your Minister of Health, while voraciously consuming a fibre-rich meal. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."

[Effect 2] no load is too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal

[Option 3] "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it," says the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."

[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning


DRAFT 2:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

[Validity] None

[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital trade routes named in your honour! A large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground after performing a series of provocative manoeuvres last night, and is now blocking the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.

[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure. "We need to flush the canal with all the manpower that we have. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we just squeeze really hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared, and breathe a lot easier."

[Effect 1] there's nothing that can't be solved with a good flush of resources

[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if this happens again?" says your Minister of Health, while voraciously consuming a fibre-rich meal. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."

[Effect 2] there's no load too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal

[Option 3] "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it," says the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."

[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning


DRAFT 1:
[Title] @@LEADER@@, You Look A Little Constipated

[Validity] None

[Description] Calamity in the @@LEADER@@ Canal, one of @@NAME@@'s most vital trade routes named in your honour! A large container ship called the 'Never Taken' ran aground after performing a series of provocative manoeuvres last night, and is now blocking the most important shipping route to the rest of @@REGION@@, leaving everyone feeling rather constipated.

[Option 1] "Oh, this isn't coming out well..." grimaces your Minister of Trade and Infrastructure. "We need to flush the canal with all the manpower that we have. Towboats, excavators, dredgers... if we just squeeze really hard right now, we'll get this blockage cleared, and breathe a lot easier."

[Effect 1] there's nothing that can't be solved with a good flush of resources

[Option 2] "Uh huh, and what if this happens again?" says your Minister of Health, while voraciously consuming a fibre-rich meal. "Prevention is better than cure, which is why we need to take this opportunity and cleanse the passage from anything that could cause future blockages. Dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick! Oh, and I guess it will flush out the 'Never Taken' eventually as well."

[Effect 2] wholegrain foods have started to clog up @@NAME@@'s sewage systems

[Option 3] "Just pack the ship with TNT and light it," says the Minister of Defense, buckling @@HIS@@ belt after leaving the toilet with a suspicious lightness in @@HIS@@ step. "It'll clear out the turd of a ship, no problem."

[Effect 3] explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Apr 21, 2021 3:06 pm, edited 13 times in total.
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Postby Lumio Magika » Fri Mar 26, 2021 8:56 am

This is really good, in my opinion. The humor really shines through without compromising the issue at hand. It still remains an issue that needs to be solved, and a hilarious one at that. I wouldn't bat an eye to see this on my leader's desk (except to maybe laugh).
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Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:31 pm

Lumio Magika wrote:This is really good, in my opinion. The humor really shines through without compromising the issue at hand. It still remains an issue that needs to be solved, and a hilarious one at that. I wouldn't bat an eye to see this on my leader's desk (except to maybe laugh).

Thank you! :) I'm really glad you appreciated the humour, and it's also good to hear that there is a balance between the seriousness - for the lack of a better word - and the comedy!
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Postby Eshialand » Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:38 pm

I was wondering how long it'd take for a draft to be written about the Suez Canal blockage... and man, I certainly didn't expect the draft we got to be filled with poop jokes! Amazing issue, I'm not sure if there's anything I would change to be perfectly honest...
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Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:41 pm

Eshialand wrote:I was wondering how long it'd take for a draft to be written about the Suez Canal blockage... and man, I certainly didn't expect the draft we got to be filled with poop jokes! Amazing issue, I'm not sure if there's anything I would change to be perfectly honest...

Well, I mean, the Suez canal does appear to be a little constipated at the moment :P initially I didn't expect to go with it either, but as I started the first jokes the other ones kept coming, so I felt it should be the red line through the issue draft, haha. Thanks!
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:41 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Eshialand » Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:47 pm

OK, here's something: "@@LEADER@@ canal" in the description should probably be "@@LEADER@@ Canal".
That's right, the only thing I could find was one questionable capitalization, that's how perfect this issue is.
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Postby Daarwyrth » Fri Mar 26, 2021 1:58 pm

Eshialand wrote:OK, here's something: "@@LEADER@@ canal" in the description should probably be "@@LEADER@@ Canal".
That's right, the only thing I could find was one questionable capitalization, that's how perfect this issue is.

I really appreciate that, thank you! I will make sure to correct it ;)
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Postby Cretox State » Sat Mar 27, 2021 10:31 am

This wasn't a twist I saw coming, but it actually flows (heh) quite well!

However, option 2's effect line doesn't really stick the landing for me:

[Effect 2] wholegrain foods have started to clog up @@NAME@@'s sewage systems


Is there a joke here that I'm not seeing?

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Postby Daarwyrth » Sat Mar 27, 2021 10:43 am

Cretox State wrote:This wasn't a twist I saw coming, but it actually flows (heh) quite well!

However, option 2's effect line doesn't really stick the landing for me:

[Effect 2] wholegrain foods have started to clog up @@NAME@@'s sewage systems


Is there a joke here that I'm not seeing?

It is meant to reflect the bit of "dig deeper, widen the canal walls, anything that will make shipping pass through its bowels like water will do the trick!". So, in other words, fibre gets the bowels moving, right? The line is meant to reflect that citizens have started throwing wholegrain foods (rich in fibre) into the water systems :P but I totally get that this might not come through as well as I had hoped, so I will ponder on an alternative if more people feel the same!
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Mar 28, 2021 5:10 am

Why is this the first time that this has happened?
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Postby Daarwyrth » Sun Mar 28, 2021 6:17 am

Australian rePublic wrote:Why is this the first time that this has happened?

Well, I can ask the same about the Suez Canal blockage. And I don't think I specifically mention that this is the first time happening. It just happened then and there, just like with the Suez Canal blockage. I don't really think it needs an explanation as to why it is the first time, unless others also feel it needs to be explained.

EDIT: Seeing as how the Ever Given (the ship stuck in the Suez Canal) has had troubles with its size in the past, I guess I could include that line somewhere in the description. Yet, I wonder if that is really necessary, and whether it adds anything significant to the issue itself.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Sun Mar 28, 2021 10:33 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Postby Australian rePublic » Mon Mar 29, 2021 5:11 am

Daarwyrth wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Why is this the first time that this has happened?

Well, I can ask the same about the Suez Canal blockage. And I don't think I specifically mention that this is the first time happening. It just happened then and there, just like with the Suez Canal blockage. I don't really think it needs an explanation as to why it is the first time, unless others also feel it needs to be explained.

EDIT: Seeing as how the Ever Given (the ship stuck in the Suez Canal) has had troubles with its size in the past, I guess I could include that line somewhere in the description. Yet, I wonder if that is really necessary, and whether it adds anything significant to the issue itself.

Well, if it has happened before, the question then becomes- what did you do last time? If it hasn't happened before, the question becomes why is this the first time it's happening?
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Postby Daarwyrth » Mon Mar 29, 2021 5:34 am

Australian rePublic wrote:
Daarwyrth wrote:Well, I can ask the same about the Suez Canal blockage. And I don't think I specifically mention that this is the first time happening. It just happened then and there, just like with the Suez Canal blockage. I don't really think it needs an explanation as to why it is the first time, unless others also feel it needs to be explained.

EDIT: Seeing as how the Ever Given (the ship stuck in the Suez Canal) has had troubles with its size in the past, I guess I could include that line somewhere in the description. Yet, I wonder if that is really necessary, and whether it adds anything significant to the issue itself.

Well, if it has happened before, the question then becomes- what did you do last time? If it hasn't happened before, the question becomes why is this the first time it's happening?

If it happened before, I feel as if option 1 already covers it, namely getting out towboats, manpower and other such resources again. If it's the first time, then it's covered by option 2, namely making improvements to the channel. I mean, I get what you're saying, but I feel that adding that element specifically to the description would put unnecessary weight on it, if you catch my drift?

I'd love to know if more people feel the same, whether a specification on whether this is the first or X time happening is necessary :)
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Mon Mar 29, 2021 5:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Terrabod » Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:05 am

Daarwyrth wrote:I'd love to know if more people feel the same, whether a specification on whether this is the first or X time happening is necessary :)

It's not something that particularly concerned me about the draft - from the context I'd assume that this is the first time this has happened since the prospect of changing the canal structure hasn't come up before. I think the implication is that the crisis is at least in part due to poor sailing ("a series of provocative manoeuvres" performed by the captain) which helps to tell us why this doesn't happen on the regular but theoretically speaking it could happen again so the reader can't write off option 2 as an overreaction.

I'm more concerned about some of your effect lines. The second effect line is just bizarre ("wholegrain foods have started to clog up @@NAME@@'s sewage systems"). When you explained the joke you made it out as if people were mixing Weetabix into the canal, but the effect line makes it sound like people have just been eating more wholegrain foods... which has nothing to do with the canal blockage. I'm also unsure about the third effect line ("explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning"). I get the reference to explosives, and the poo joke, but it makes it out like the option was about people eating fireworks or something, not a blocked canal - and while effect lines can be funny and unexpected, they should always feel related to the option chosen. I might be more amenable to it if your can somehow link it to the canal issue. Effect lines are often subjective though, so I'm interested to know what you think!

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Postby Daarwyrth » Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:15 am

Terrabod wrote:It's not something that particularly concerned me about the draft - from the context I'd assume that this is the first time this has happened since the prospect of changing the canal structure hasn't come up before. I think the implication is that the crisis is at least in part due to poor sailing ("a series of provocative manoeuvres" performed by the captain) which helps to tell us why this doesn't happen on the regular but theoretically speaking it could happen again so the reader can't write off option 2 as an overreaction.

I'm more concerned about some of your effect lines. The second effect line is just bizarre ("wholegrain foods have started to clog up @@NAME@@'s sewage systems"). When you explained the joke you made it out as if people were mixing Weetabix into the canal, but the effect line makes it sound like people have just been eating more wholegrain foods... which has nothing to do with the canal blockage. I'm also unsure about the third effect line ("explosive diarrhoea has taken on an entirely different meaning"). I get the reference to explosives, and the poo joke, but it makes it out like the option was about people eating fireworks or something, not a blocked canal - and while effect lines can be funny and unexpected, they should always feel related to the option chosen. I might be more amenable to it if your can somehow link it to the canal issue. Effect lines are often subjective though, so I'm interested to know what you think!

The second effect line I am not too happy with either, so I am thinking about a line that would be more appropriate there (so if you have suggestions, they're welcome!).

As to the third one, 'explosive diarrhoea' is a medical term for a specific manifestation of diarrhoea, namely a very severe case of it. I don't want to be to detailed about it, as that probably wouldn't be appropriate, so I have included a link to what it is. However, I feel that in the context of the option it would be fitting, because of what explosive diarrhoea is, and how it relates to the option of blowing up the ship (which in turn would cause a international "shitstorm" I imagine) :)

EDIT: as to effect line 2, how about "there's no load too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal", to remain in the spirit of toilet affairs :P
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:18 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Nova Catania » Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:18 am

brilliant!

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Postby Daarwyrth » Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:29 am

Nova Catania wrote:brilliant!

Thank you :lol:
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Postby Silvedania » Mon Mar 29, 2021 7:31 am

Love it.
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Postby Daarwyrth » Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:25 am

Silvedania wrote:Love it.

Glad to hear it!

Also, I have put up a new draft with an altered effect line for option 2. I think this one should work better :)
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Postby Terrabod » Mon Mar 29, 2021 9:53 am

Daarwyrth wrote:The second effect line I am not too happy with either, so I am thinking about a line that would be more appropriate there (so if you have suggestions, they're welcome!).

I'll try to think of something, but I'll admit that I'm not very good at effect lines!

Daarwyrth wrote:As to the third one, 'explosive diarrhoea' is a medical term for a specific manifestation of diarrhoea, namely a very severe case of it. I don't want to be to detailed about it, as that probably wouldn't be appropriate, so I have included a link to what it is. However, I feel that in the context of the option it would be fitting, because of what explosive diarrhoea is, and how it relates to the option of blowing up the ship (which in turn would cause a international "shitstorm" I imagine) :)

I do know what "explosive diarrhoea" refers to. It's a clever play on words here, but I'm not totally convinced of its relevance to the canal problem. Different strokes, though.

Daarwyrth wrote:EDIT: as to effect line 2, how about "there's no load too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal", to remain in the spirit of toilet affairs :P

My mind immediately went somewhere dirty... not that that's necessarily a problem. But beware that there might be others whose minds go to the same place as mine did.

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Postby Daarwyrth » Mon Mar 29, 2021 10:50 am

Terrabod wrote:
Daarwyrth wrote:EDIT: as to effect line 2, how about "there's no load too big for the @@LEADER@@ Canal", to remain in the spirit of toilet affairs :P

My mind immediately went somewhere dirty... not that that's necessarily a problem. But beware that there might be others whose minds go to the same place as mine did.

Oh dear, now that you mentioned it xD but maybe that'd make it even funnier :P I'll keep it in for now, and I'll see the reactions to it. If people find it too much, I'll alter it!
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Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Mar 31, 2021 12:49 am

You need to write "ship happens" somewhere
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Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Mar 31, 2021 3:37 am

Australian rePublic wrote:You need to write "ship happens" somewhere

That would be amusing yeah! I'll see if I can squeeze it in somewhere :)
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Leader: Queen Demi Maria I | Capital: Daarsted | Government type: Unitary parliamentary semi-constitutional monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech


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Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 21866
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Mar 31, 2021 3:54 am

You don't need to explicitly state that this is the first time that this has happened, but maybe a line somewhere or something about ships getting larger or something to make the reader understand that, otherwise, they're just gonna think "what did you do last time?"
If you're against political parties who support the CCP, then vote against the Australian Labor Party
The only reason why countries bid to host the games is for tourism. This is why countries plan to boycott the Beijing winter Olympics. By cancelling the 2020/21 Olympics, Japan is defacto recieving the same punishment as China, but Japan did nothing wrong since World War II
Until if and when the Spanish language evolves to allow for gender-neutrality to not be impossible, (which will take at least centuries), the concept of "LatinX" is completely ridiculous
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Countesia
Diplomat
 
Posts: 757
Founded: Oct 10, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Countesia » Wed Mar 31, 2021 8:47 am

This sort of dry humour really gets me, absolutely top notch

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