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[DRAFT]Sport or None?

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ArmedKing
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[DRAFT]Sport or None?

Postby ArmedKing » Thu Sep 17, 2020 11:53 am

[Descp]After a day in your office has nearly came to a end,
Sport Enthusiastic and Fanatics alike have came to your office to ensure that @@NATION@@ has a new sport.
[Access]Those who have 1.5 billion people and a leader.
[Option 1]"What are you doing @@LEADER@@!Why are you sorting minor issues when we got a bigger one.",Says Eric Footballabaga, a Student studying in the foreign university of Brancaland."Brancaland students always gossip around their national sport ,Bockey while i can't even speak about my national sport just because we don't have one!Please @@DEUS@@,Announce a national sport."
[Fallout]@@LEADER@@ is accused of being unfair to other sports who are not national sport.
[Option 2] "Not just one.", Says Nathan Bigboi , a self-proclaimed Sports Genius."We ,Instead of supporting a single team,can support multiple others! It is Genius!That way ,We can have multiple teams to feel proud of and you, @@LEADER@@,Will shine across @@REGION@@ for your brilliance.and mine of course".
[Fallout]The List of National Sports are said to be as long as @@NATION@@'s GDP in km.
[Option 3] "Let me watch in peace!"Shouts your 74 year old next door neighbour, @@NAME@@, Who was watching "Who is the Idiot?" in his telly."Just. Stop. working.I want to see today's Idiot."Saying this,he turned back to his Telly.
[Fallout] Turns out "Next day" means never in the life of @@LEADER@@.
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We will rise from the ash....
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Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
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Postby ArmedKing » Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:09 am

If any mistakes, please tell me.
Last edited by ArmedKing on Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:15 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
MORE GLITTER!
Best Replies

Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

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Minskiev
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Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Fri Sep 18, 2020 7:12 am

@@NATION@@ —> @@NAME@@

You need spaces.

“What are you doing, @@LEADER@@?”

I’ll just manually correct the errors here.

[Title] Sport Or None?

[Description] After a day in your office has nearly came to a end, sport enthusiasts and fanatics alike have come to your office to ensure that @@NAME@@ has a new sport.

[Validity] doesn’t have No Sports

[Option 1] "What are you doing, @@LEADER@@? Why are you sorting out minor issues when we have a much larger one at hand?” asks Eric Footballabaga, a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ student studying in the University of Brancaland. "Brancalanders always talk about their national sport, Bockey, while I can't even speak about my national sport, since we don't have one! Please, announce a national sport."

[Fallout] @@LEADER@@ is accused of being unfair to other sports who are not a national sport

[Option 2] "Not just one," says Nathan Bigboi, a self-proclaimed sports genius. “Instead of supporting a single sport, we can support multiple others! It’s genius! That way, we can have multiple teams to feel proud of and you. @@LEADER@@, you will shine across @@REGION@@ for your brilliance. And me, of course.”

[Fallout] the List of National Sports is said to be as long as @@NAME@@'s GDP in kilometers

[Option 3] "Let me watch in peace!" shouts your nephew, @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, who’s watching hit show "Who’s the Idiot?" on the TV. "Just. Stop. Working. I want to see today's idiot."Saying this, he turns back to the TV.

[Validity] must not have No Computers

[Fallout] tomorrow means never to @@LEADER@@
Last edited by Minskiev on Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:10 am, edited 5 times in total.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:54 am

ArmedKing wrote:If any misakes pease tell me.


Haha, very good.

Vey gooodd, I meen.

Can you change the title tag to [JOKE ISSUE], so people don't assume this is a serious draft? Thanks.
Last edited by Candlewhisper Archive on Fri Sep 18, 2020 8:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Minskiev
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Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:09 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
ArmedKing wrote:If any misakes pease tell me.


Haha, very good.

Vey gooodd, I meen.

Can you change the title tag to [JOKE ISSUE], so people don't assume this is a serious draft? Thanks.


I’ve seen them in GI before.

I think they’re serious.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
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NS Stats partially baked, roasted, sautéed, braised, grilled, broiled, poached, and fried by BLYAT
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Honeydewistania
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Postby Honeydewistania » Fri Sep 18, 2020 9:11 am

Shouts your 74 year old next door neighbour, @@NAME@@


Unintentionally, this is actually hilarious.
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Minskiev
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Postby Minskiev » Fri Sep 18, 2020 10:23 am

Honeydewistania wrote:
Shouts your 74 year old next door neighbour, @@NAME@@


Unintentionally, this is actually hilarious.


Damn it, the Mafia Economic Extremist of the Dark System, what did I tell you about letting your dog out on my lawn?!?
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
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Most recent best F7 reply:
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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby ArmedKing » Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:12 pm

Bruh.This is a serious issue.I will modify it.
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
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Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby ArmedKing » Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:16 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
ArmedKing wrote:If any misakes pease tell me.


Haha, very good.

Vey gooodd, I meen.

Can you change the title tag to [JOKE ISSUE], so people don't assume this is a serious draft? Thanks.

That was sarcastic >:(
.I am a Indian.
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
MORE GLITTER!
Best Replies

Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

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Minskiev
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Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:19 pm

ArmedKing wrote:
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
Haha, very good.

Vey gooodd, I meen.

Can you change the title tag to [JOKE ISSUE], so people don't assume this is a serious draft? Thanks.

That was sarcastic >:(
.I am a Indian.


And? Even if you have trouble with English, you should at least recognize that words need spaces, which you didn’t, meaning that you didn’t even realize your text had major grammatical flaws, which seems unlikely. You should use grammar checkers more often.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
Rejected Times Staff
Most recent best F7 reply:
NS Stats partially baked, roasted, sautéed, braised, grilled, broiled, poached, and fried by BLYAT
Alastair-Ivan fanfic WIP - read today!

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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Edit

Postby ArmedKing » Sat Sep 19, 2020 6:12 am

[Title] Sport Or None?

[Description] After a day in your office has nearly came to a end, sport enthusiasts and fanatics alike have come to your office to ensure that @@NAME@@ has a new sport.

[Validity] doesn’t have No Sports

[Option 1] "What are you doing, @@LEADER@@? Why are you sorting out minor issues when we have a much larger one at hand?” asks Eric Footballabaga, a @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ student studying in the University of Brancaland. "Brancalanders always talk about their national sport, Bockey, while I can't even speak about my national sport, since we don't have one! Please, announce a national sport."

[Fallout] @@LEADER@@ is accused of being unfair to other sports who are not a national sport

[Option 2] "Not just one," says Nathan Bigboi, a self-proclaimed sports genius. “Instead of supporting a single sport, we can support multiple others! It’s genius! That way, we can have multiple teams to feel proud of and you. @@LEADER@@, you will shine across @@REGION@@ for your brilliance. And me, of course.”

[Fallout] the List of National Sports is said to be as long as @@NAME@@'s GDP in kilometers

[Option 3] "Let me watch in peace!" shouts your nephew, @@RANDOMMALENAME@@, who’s watching hit show "Who’s the Idiot?" on the TV. "Just. Stop. Working. I want to see today's idiot."Saying this, he turns back to the TV.

[Validity] must not have No Computers

[Fallout] tomorrow means never to @@LEADER@@
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
MORE GLITTER!
Best Replies

Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

User avatar
Minskiev
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Posts: 1238
Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Sat Sep 19, 2020 8:42 am

You need to edit your original post, not make a new one and paste it there.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
Rejected Times Staff
Most recent best F7 reply:
NS Stats partially baked, roasted, sautéed, braised, grilled, broiled, poached, and fried by BLYAT
Alastair-Ivan fanfic WIP - read today!

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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby ArmedKing » Sat Sep 19, 2020 11:20 am

Alright.I will see to it.
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
MORE GLITTER!
Best Replies

Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

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Jutsa
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Founded: Dec 06, 2015
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Jutsa » Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:14 am

So, not to be a blanket sitting in a bucket of pond water, but I'm afraid this just won't work as an issue. ed: yet anyway. (and possibly ever but hear me out)
However, please do not fear the really long and scary post following this message. It's not an outright "AGH THIS IS BAD"; it's just going over some of the things this needs work on.

The first point is the core idea itself. "People want @@NAME@@ to have a national sport". That alone is kind of an iffy issue premise to be working on, so fair warning.
But setting aside the fact that it's a bit iffy, you could still technically make this work by having a list-style issue, whereby you can pick various sports, such as tennis, basketball, baseball, soccer, golf (competative golf? idk), @@ANIMAL@@ball, etc, whatever, with one final guy being like "sports are lame and a waste of money and human resources" or something. :lol:

Not saying that'd be guaranteed to work, but with sports being something a lot of folks, editors included, are interested in, it might be worth a shot if you really want to go through with a premise like that. But that's not what we have. What we have is... well, what are the options?

1) Announce a national sport.
Ngl, saying "Why are you sorting out minor issues when we have a much larger one at hand?" is pretty amusing, so definitely keep this part in your first option if you're keen on working on this. The rest of it is... eh. Squishy at best.

2) Support multiple sports. OK. Cool. and...

3) ... Let your nephew watch tv? I want to say you're not supporting any sport (maybe even banning them?), but it's not at all clear.

So, when you boil this down, you have:

Issue: Argh people want a national sport for no apparent reason
1) Have one
2) Have more than one
3) Whatever

Another key point here: the issue doesn't have much of a reason for being an issue. Of course, how you'd make an actual story out of this would be fairly difficult — how could this arise as a national issue? You don't just have people "storm in" just because (anymore); what's the intriguing story behind this? What sets this off?
Maybe during a world cup or something, it's been noted that most of the nations have a specialized sport, or something, whereas you don't?
It could be many things. But "enthusiasts and fanatics coming to your office" is not an interesting premise. It's about as bland as you can get, I'm afraid.

And lastly, for sure, if English is not a particularly easy language for you to work in, I can understand why this would be somewhat difficult to work with.
I don't want you to be too discouraged, but I just want to lay out the groundwork for why this draft doesn't work as-is.
I'll admit, this is going to be hard to work with at all. If you really, really want to put in the grunt-work of polishing this draft up, feel free.
But please note that even if you do put in all the work of making the premise interesting, and making the options more interesting, I can't guarantee it'd fly.
And, to an extent, that's kinda part of writing issues for nationstates. Just keep that in mind. <:)

So, to put the long scary post into smaller bits:
1) The core issue is a little shaky but might be workable.
2) The opening story is blander than water crackers.
3) The options texts are mostly alright, actually, but what they do is in a pretty squishy state. Only way it might work is if you have a list-style issue with various sports, maybe.

Whether you wish to continue working on this one, try your hand at another one, or aren't finding issue writing to be your comfort,
GL to you. And I assure you, my first drafts were much worse than this, so don't lose hope if you're really passionate about writing for NS. :)
Last edited by Jutsa on Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:15 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Cretox State
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Postby Cretox State » Sun Sep 20, 2020 10:45 am

In short: your premise is bland and uninspired, and doesn't give much room to work with even if your execution is good (which it isn't, to be honest). I'd advise trying to nail down a good niche for your issue first, rather than trying to hold something together around "people want a new sport because reasons." For example:

After Brancalandian bockey and East Lebatuckese people's ball raked in billions in government tax revenue in the last fiscal year, some of your advisors have started to suggest that @@NAME@@ declare a national sport of its own.


Obviously this isn't the best premise, and you don't have to use it (or anything similar). What I'm saying is that your options should flow naturally from a strong premise; your issue feels quite forced (ignoring the English problems). I recommend going back to the drawing board on this one.

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ArmedKing
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Founded: Oct 22, 2019
Father Knows Best State

Postby ArmedKing » Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:37 am

Aalright.My Mind is now thinking of more Attractive apperances.
Proud Member of the Autumnal Court.
Semper Ad Dei,
We will rise from the ash....
Deus Will rise again.....

Caer Sidi is my Home now :3
MORE GLITTER!
Best Replies

Corner taken quickly...Origi!!!

Bruh.No.We are going to start again, with rules

Harmonic Empire be like...Canabilism

Founder of SACO

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Outer Sparta
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Founded: Dec 26, 2014
Democratic Socialists

Postby Outer Sparta » Sun Sep 20, 2020 12:49 pm

I don't know if this would work as an issue, as you have to be very creative if you were to create a new sport.
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Minskiev
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Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Sun Sep 20, 2020 1:55 pm

people’s ball


Heh. The ball is in our court now.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
Rejected Times Staff
Most recent best F7 reply:
NS Stats partially baked, roasted, sautéed, braised, grilled, broiled, poached, and fried by BLYAT
Alastair-Ivan fanfic WIP - read today!

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Founded: Aug 28, 2015
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Sep 22, 2020 4:19 am

Sorry, didn't realise it was a serious issue. I honestly thought you were delivering a clever joke. "If any misakes pease tell me" is quite a clever play on written words, you see?

There's no shame in not being very fluent at English, and I don't speak any Asian subcontinent languages at all, so I'm sure you have me at a disadvantage there.

However, I wouldn't try to write for a Hindi newspaper, or for an Urdu film review site, or for a Gujarati clickbait site. I wouldn't even attempt the languages I am passable at, like Cantonese or French. With the level of English you have, you're never going to write something that is going to be of the standard the game needs, sorry.

I'd suggest instead that if you have great ideas, find a writer who has strong English, and collaborate with them to try to deliver your ideas in a usable form.
Last edited by Candlewhisper Archive on Tue Sep 22, 2020 4:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Australian rePublic
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Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Tue Sep 22, 2020 5:52 am

"Bockey"? Really? What's wrong with just calling it "hockey"?
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Minskiev
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Founded: Apr 20, 2020
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Minskiev » Tue Sep 22, 2020 7:29 am

Australian rePublic wrote:"Bockey"? Really? What's wrong with just calling it "hockey"?


Now that I think about it, several issues, like I think Batter Up! or #8/915-8/920 I forgot which one, do mention hockey. There’s no point in calling it bockey.
Gentlemen, you cant fight in here. This is the war room.
Rejected Times Staff
Most recent best F7 reply:
NS Stats partially baked, roasted, sautéed, braised, grilled, broiled, poached, and fried by BLYAT
Alastair-Ivan fanfic WIP - read today!


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