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[SUBMITTED] The Devil's Spawn

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Great Robertia
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[SUBMITTED] The Devil's Spawn

Postby Great Robertia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 9:36 am

Daarwyrth here, with a new issue draft! This was an idea I was toying around with for a day or two, before actually writing it. I have looked around in the issue base and I think I didn't see anything with significant overlap to this, but of course, please correct me if I am wrong! As always, feedback and commentary are more than welcome!

CURRENT DRAFT:
[Title] The Devil's Spawn

[Validity] None

[Description] Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime rival - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations pouring in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction.

[Option 1] The Minister of Foreign Relations lays @@HIS@@ hand on your right shoulder, the sunlight creating a bring halo around @@HIS@@ head. "Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let's break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. It wouldn't kill us if we swallowed our pride for once, you know."

[Effect 1] @@LEADER@@ often expresses joy through clenched teeth

[Option 2] The Minister of Defense lays @@HIS@@ hand on your left shoulder, plucks of @@HIS@@ hair sticking up like horns. "Don't listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that that vile succubus and her larva don't deserve any 'best wishes' to be sent their way. How about we discretely spread some nasty rumours about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah 'the Butcher of Bigtopia'? You'll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow."

[Effect 2] conspiracy theorists love hearing @@LEADER@@ tell tall tales about other people's families

[Option 3] An unsuspecting aide walks in on the three of you standing side-by-side. "Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn't notice all of @@REGION@@ congratulating the Supreme Leader because you were busy, uhm... Oh! Say you were busy volunteering in our orphanages for the day. It'll create a positive image of yourself, and you'd have an excuse no one could hold against you anytime you'd be faced with an undesirable situation!"

[Effect 3] @@LEADER@@ is rarely seen beyond @@NAME@@'s orphanages these days

[Option 4] Your Minister for AI Citizenship, an eerily organic-looking machine, approaches your desk with an uncanny smile. "There is a prime opportunity here that you're missing, @@LEADER@@. Recent advances in robotics have enabled us to create artificial beings that develop and grow like actual organics do. We could manufacture an identical replica of Madam Drake's firstborn, and if you'd launch a covert operation to swap the two infants, we'd literally have eyes, hands and ears in Blackacre."
[Validity] Must have AI Personhood, Must have high Scientific Advancement

[Effect 4] paranoid parents hover metal detectors over their newborn


DRAFT 4:
[Title] The Devil's Spawn

[Validity] None

[Description] Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime rival - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations pouring in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction.

[Option 1] The Minister of Foreign Relations lays @@HIS@@ hand on your right shoulder, clad in a crisp, white suit. "Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let's break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. It wouldn't kill us if we swallowed our pride for once, you know."

[Effect 1] @@LEADER@@ often expresses joy through clenched teeth

[Option 2] The Minister of Defense lays @@HIS@@ hand on your left shoulder, wearing an impeccable, fiery red suit. "Don't listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that that vile succubus and her larva don't deserve any 'best wishes' to be sent their way. How about we discretely spread some nasty rumours about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah 'the Butcher of Bigtopia'? You'll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow."

[Effect 2] conspiracy theorists love hearing @@LEADER@@ tell tall tales about other people's families

[Option 3] An unsuspecting aide walks in on the three of you standing side-by-side. "Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn't notice all of @@REGION@@ congratulating the Supreme Leader because you were busy, uhm... Oh! Say you were busy volunteering in our orphanages for the day. It'll create a positive image of yourself, and you'd have an excuse no one could hold against you anytime you'd be faced with an undesirable situation!"

[Effect 3] @@LEADER@@ is rarely seen beyond @@NAME@@'s orphanages these days

[Option 4] Your Minister for AI Citizenship, an eerily organic-looking machine, approaches your desk with an uncanny smile. "There is a prime opportunity here that you're missing, @@LEADER@@. Recent advances in robotics have enabled us to create artificial beings that develop and grow like actual organics do. We could manufacture an identical replica of Madam Drake's firstborn, and if you'd launch a covert operation to swap the two infants, we'd literally have eyes, hands and ears in Blackacre."
[Validity] Must have AI Personhood, Must have high Scientific Advancement

[Effect 4] paranoid parents hover metal detectors over their newborn


DRAFT 3:
[Title] The Devil's Spawn

[Validity] None

[Description] Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime rival - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations pouring in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction.

[Option 1] The Minister of Foreign Relations lays @@HIS@@ hand on your right shoulder, clad in a crisp, white suit. "Oh, let bygones be bygones already. This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let's break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. Surely you'll be able to swallow your pride for once, no?"

[Effect 1] @@LEADER@@ is known for expressing joy through clenched teeth

[Option 2] The Minister of Defense lays @@HIS@@ hand on your left shoulder, wearing an impeccable, all black suit. "Don't listen to that naive dimwit! We need to show the world that vile succubus and her larva don't deserve any 'best wishes' to be sent their way. Release a fake, but totally true story about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah 'the Butcher of Bigtopia'. You'll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow."

[Effect 2] conspiracy theorists love hearing @@LEADER@@ tell tall tales about other people's families

[Option 3] An unsuspecting aide walks in on the three of you standing side-by-side. "Oh, uhm, s-sorry... but I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn't notice all of @@REGION@@ congratulating the Supreme Leader because you were busy, uhm... Oh! Say you were busy volunteering in @@NAME@@'s orphanages for the day. It'll create a positive image of yourself, and I am sure those orphanages wouldn't be opposed to a small, charitable donation to keep quiet about the truth."

[Effect 3] charities eagerly wait to be used as an excuse by @@LEADER@@ to avoid inconvenient expectations

[Option 4] Your Minister for AI Citizenship, an eerily organic-looking machine, approaches your desk with an uncanny smile. "There is a prime opportunity here that you're missing, @@LEADER@@. Recent advances in robotics have enabled us to create artificial beings that develop and grow like actual organics do. We could manufacture an identical replica of Madam Drake's firstborn, and if you'd launch a covert operation to swap the two infants, we'd literally have eyes, hands and ears in Blackacre."
[Validity] Must have AI Personhood, Must have high Scientific Advancement

[Effect 4] parents no longer trust their children are entirely organic


DRAFT 2:
[Title] The Devil's Spawn

[Validity] None

[Description] Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime rival - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations pouring in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction.

[Option 1] The Minister of Foreign Relations lays @@HIS@@ hand on your right shoulder, clad in a crisp, white suit. "Let's have bygones be bygones, shall we? This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let's break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. Surely you'll be able to swallow your pride for once, hmm?"

[Effect 1] @@LEADER@@ is known for expressing joy through clenched teeth

[Option 2] The Minister of Defense lays @@HIS@@ hand on your left shoulder, wearing an impeccable, all black suit. "Don't listen to that naive dimwit. We need to show the world that vile succubus and her vicious larva don't deserve any 'best wishes' to be sent their way. Release a fake, but totally true story about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah, the one they call 'the Butcher of Bigtopia'. You'll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow."

[Effect 2] conspiracy theorists love hearing @@LEADER@@ tell tall tales about other people's families

[Option 3] An unsuspecting aide walks in on the three of you standing side-by-side. "Uhm, s-sorry..." @@HE@@ stammers awkwardly. "But I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn't notice all of @@REGION@@ congratulating the Supreme Leader because you were busy, uhm... Oh! Say you were busy volunteering in @@NAME@@'s orphanages for the day. It'll create a positive image of yourself, and I am sure those orphanages wouldn't be opposed to a small, charitable donation to keep quiet about it."

[Effect 3] charities eagerly wait to be used as an excuse by @@LEADER@@ to avoid inconvenient expectations

[Option 4] Your Minister for AI Citizenship, an eerily organic-looking machine, approaches your desk with an uncanny smile. "There is a prime opportunity here that you're missing, @@LEADER@@. Recent advances in robotics have enabled us to create artificial beings that develop and grow like actual organics do. We could manufacture an identical replica of Madam Drake's firstborn, and if you'd launch a covert operation to swap the two infants, we'd literally have eyes, hands and ears in Blackacre."
[Validity] Must have AI Personhood, Must have high Scientific Advancement

[Effect 4] parents no longer trust their children are entirely organic


DRAFT 1:
[Title] The Devil's Spawn

[Validity] None

[Description] Big baby news from Blackacre - the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@ - as Supreme Leader Valeria Drake has given birth to her first child, and heartfelt congratulations are flowing in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium. The international community now quietly turns its gaze to you, curious as to your reaction.

[Option 1] The Minister of Foreign Relations lays @@HIS@@ hand on your right shoulder, clad in a crisp, white suit. "Let's have bygones be bygones, shall we? This is a joyous occasion for Madam Drake! Let's break the ice between Blackacre and us, and send over our most cordial felicitations. Surely you'll be able to swallow your pride for once, hmm?"

[Effect 1] @@LEADER@@ is known for expressing joy through clenched teeth

[Option 2] The Minister of Defense lays @@HIS@@ hand on your left shoulder, wearing an impeccable, all black suit. "Don't listen to that naive dimwit. We need to show the world that vile succubus and her vicious larva don't deserve any 'best wishes' to be sent their way. Release a fake, but totally true story about how the father of the child is a descendant of Lee Terallihitlah, the one they call 'the Butcher of Bigtopia'. You'll see, all sympathy for that serpent and her spawn will melt away like snow."

[Effect 2] conspiracy theorists love hearing @@LEADER@@ tell tall tales about other people's families

[Option 3] An unsuspecting aide walks in on the three of you standing side-by-side. "Uhm, s-sorry..." @@HE@@ stammers awkwardly. "But I came in to tell you that you could also simply ignore the entire affair. Pretend that you didn't notice all of @@REGION@@ congratulating the Supreme Leader because you were busy, uhm... Oh! Say you were busy volunteering in @@NAME@@'s orphanages for the day. It'll create a positive image of yourself, and I am sure those orphanages wouldn't be opposed to a small, charitable donation to keep quiet about it."

[Effect 3] charities eagerly wait to be used as an excuse by @@LEADER@@ to avoid inconvenient expectations

[Option 4] Your Minister for AI Citizenship, an eerily organic-looking machine, approaches your desk with an uncanny smile. "There is a prime opportunity here that you're missing, @@LEADER@@. Recent advances in robotics have enabled us to create artificial beings that develop and grow like actual organics do. We could manufacture an identical replica of Madam Drake's firstborn, and if you'd launch a covert operation to swap the two infants, we'd literally have eyes, hands and ears in Blackacre."
[Validity] Must have AI Personhood, Must have high Scientific Advancement

[Effect 4] parents no longer trust their children are entirely organic
Last edited by Great Robertia on Sat Sep 05, 2020 3:18 pm, edited 12 times in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:15 am

Great Robertia wrote:Big baby news from Blackacre - the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@ - as Supreme Leader Valeria Drake has given birth to her first child, and heartfelt congratulations are flowing in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium. The international community now quietly turns its gaze to you, curious as to your reaction.


The parenthetical used in the beginning of the description (Blackacre - the...@@NAME@@ - as...) only serves to make the already long-winded sentence more confusing. I'd suggest making "Big baby news from Blackacre!" its own sentence, and cutting out "the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@' or adding that into the first sentence (though that cuts away from the alliteration, so it's probably best removed seeing as Blackacre is already well-established as @@NAME@@'s enemy). Alternatively, you could describe Valeria Drake as your enemy, or geopolitical rival.

The second sentence also feels a bit wonky. It's in the present tense, and though this may be personal preference/style there really isn't any reason for it to be in present tense. I'd suggest changing it to "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction." Alternatively, you could describe Drake as your enemy/nemesis here, with "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction to your longtime enemy's joyous celebration". Something like that (admittedly, the language isn't great) could work better.

For me, a quick rewrite might look like this - "Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime enemy - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations from leaders all over @@REGION@@ pouring in on Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction."

Feel free to take or modify it, if you like it!
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:48 am

Westinor wrote:
Great Robertia wrote:Big baby news from Blackacre - the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@ - as Supreme Leader Valeria Drake has given birth to her first child, and heartfelt congratulations are flowing in from leaders all across @@REGION@@ over Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium. The international community now quietly turns its gaze to you, curious as to your reaction.


The parenthetical used in the beginning of the description (Blackacre - the...@@NAME@@ - as...) only serves to make the already long-winded sentence more confusing. I'd suggest making "Big baby news from Blackacre!" its own sentence, and cutting out "the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@' or adding that into the first sentence (though that cuts away from the alliteration, so it's probably best removed seeing as Blackacre is already well-established as @@NAME@@'s enemy). Alternatively, you could describe Valeria Drake as your enemy, or geopolitical rival.

The second sentence also feels a bit wonky. It's in the present tense, and though this may be personal preference/style there really isn't any reason for it to be in present tense. I'd suggest changing it to "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction." Alternatively, you could describe Drake as your enemy/nemesis here, with "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction to your longtime enemy's joyous celebration". Something like that (admittedly, the language isn't great) could work better.

For me, a quick rewrite might look like this - "Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime enemy - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations from leaders all over @@REGION@@ pouring in on Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction."

Feel free to take or modify it, if you like it!


Done! Feedback worked into the new draft :) does the premise appear less convoluted now?
Last edited by Great Robertia on Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Wed Aug 12, 2020 11:49 am

Great Robertia wrote:
Westinor wrote:
The parenthetical used in the beginning of the description (Blackacre - the...@@NAME@@ - as...) only serves to make the already long-winded sentence more confusing. I'd suggest making "Big baby news from Blackacre!" its own sentence, and cutting out "the hated nemesis of @@NAME@@' or adding that into the first sentence (though that cuts away from the alliteration, so it's probably best removed seeing as Blackacre is already well-established as @@NAME@@'s enemy). Alternatively, you could describe Valeria Drake as your enemy, or geopolitical rival.

The second sentence also feels a bit wonky. It's in the present tense, and though this may be personal preference/style there really isn't any reason for it to be in present tense. I'd suggest changing it to "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction." Alternatively, you could describe Drake as your enemy/nemesis here, with "All eyes are now on you, with the international community eagerly awaiting your reaction to your longtime enemy's joyous celebration". Something like that (admittedly, the language isn't great) could work better.

For me, a quick rewrite might look like this - "Big baby news from Blackacre! Supreme Leader Valeria Drake - your longtime enemy - has given birth to her first child. With heartfelt congratulations from leaders all over @@REGION@@ pouring in on Twitcher, Drake's favourite social medium, the international community has turned its gaze to you, eagerly awaiting your reaction."

Feel free to take or modify it, if you like it!


Done! Feedback worked into the new draft :) does the premise appear less convoluted now?


Looks much better! I wouldn't say the original premise was convoluted, though the wording in the description was pretty confusing.
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 1:23 pm

Westinor wrote:Looks much better! I wouldn't say the original premise was convoluted, though the wording in the description was pretty confusing.


Well, reading it aloud I noticed I had to make a lot of pauses, so it felt a little convoluted to me ;) the way it is currently written feels more streamlined, I think!
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Minskiev
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Postby Minskiev » Wed Aug 12, 2020 1:27 pm

This is a pretty funny issue! Got to say, I love issue 4. I’m not really sure what to criticize about it.

The one thing I don’t like is ‘Big Baby News’. Just sounds annoying.
Last edited by Minskiev on Wed Aug 12, 2020 1:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 1:38 pm

Minskiev wrote:The one thing I don’t like is ‘Big Baby News’. Just sounds annoying.


It's a nice alliteration tho! :P

Minskiev wrote:This is a pretty funny issue! Got to say, I love issue 4. I’m not really sure what to criticize about it.


Thank you! I appreciate this comment a lot :)
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:21 pm

Wait, are we going really goi g to believe that leader is going to have a feud against a baby?
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Wed Aug 12, 2020 4:43 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Wait, are we going really goi g to believe that leader is going to have a feud against a baby?


The feud is not against the baby. The feud @@LEADER@@ has is with Valeria Drake, which has been well-established in many issues in the issue base. However, in this issue draft Valeria Drake has a child and the question therefore is: how do you respond as a political leader to your nemesis giving birth?

So yes, the baby is a topic in the feud between @@LEADER@@ and Valeria Drake, but the baby is not the target of the feud itself.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Sun Aug 16, 2020 9:59 am

I've put up a new draft with a few tweaks, changes and cuts. Feedback is welcome!
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Tue Aug 18, 2020 11:25 am

Great Robertia wrote:Surely you'll be able to swallow your pride for once, no?


"for once" doesn't really make sense here. I'd suggest "at least", though I don't like the "surely you'll be able to" in general. You could also keep "for once" and change the overall sentence into "Let's swallow our pride for once" or some variation of that.

Great Robertia wrote:@@LEADER@@ is known for expressing joy through clenched teeth


Eh, "is known" doesn't make sense to me. "Is often seen" might work better, but that's up to you.

Great Robertia wrote:all black suit.


Tiny nitpick here, but I don't see the point in distinguishing it as "all black" when the previous speaker's suit was simply "white"

Great Robertia wrote:We need to show the world that vile succubus and her larva


You'll need two "that"s here.

Great Robertia wrote:fake, but totally true


This phrase seems iffy to me, and could probably worded better or deleted. Same for mentioning Lee T. - it's probably best that you only mention the Butcher, seeing as mentioning his name serves to do nothing besides provide exposition, but either way works.

Great Robertia wrote: and I am sure those orphanages wouldn't be opposed to a small, charitable donation to keep quiet about the truth


Option 3 seems like an effective PR job to me, but why do you need to pay off the orphanages when you could simply have @@LEADER@@ go to an orphanage? It could make for a pretty humorous outcome with leader visiting orphanages every time they want to avoid something.

Great Robertia wrote:parents no longer trust their children are entirely organic


I think this effect line might be funnier if it played off of parents being scared of their children being robots in disguise, and using unorthodox tactics to track which is their true baby.

Fun issue!
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:43 pm

A new draft is up with feedback worked into it! :)

Westinor wrote:Same for mentioning Lee T. - it's probably best that you only mention the Butcher, seeing as mentioning his name serves to do nothing besides provide exposition, but either way works.

I see what you're saying and do agree, but I'm taking into consideration that people may get this issue before the other one in which Lee T. makes an appearance, that is, should this issue be accepted. As such, I thought this might be the first time they encounter the character, and as such wouldn't get the entire reference until they get #1092: The Boys from Brasilistan. I'll leave it in for now, but if is too obtrusive, I'll cut it down to 'the Butcher from Bigtopia' :)

Westinor wrote:Fun issue!

Thanks! :D
Last edited by Great Robertia on Tue Aug 18, 2020 1:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:01 pm

Great Robertia wrote:A new draft is up with feedback worked into it! :)

Westinor wrote:Same for mentioning Lee T. - it's probably best that you only mention the Butcher, seeing as mentioning his name serves to do nothing besides provide exposition, but either way works.

I see what you're saying and do agree, but I'm taking into consideration that people may get this issue before the other one in which Lee T. makes an appearance, that is, should this issue be accepted. As such, I thought this might be the first time they encounter the character, and as such wouldn't get the entire reference until they get #1092: The Boys from Brasilistan. I'll leave it in for now, but if is too obtrusive, I'll cut it down to 'the Butcher from Bigtopia' :)

Westinor wrote:Fun issue!

Thanks! :D


It's not a question of whether it's obtrusive so much as it is irrelevant. Mentioning Lee adds no extra meaning, and isn't significant to the identity of the character. That's just my take.
Last edited by Westinor on Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Great Robertia
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Postby Great Robertia » Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:16 pm

Westinor wrote:It's not a question of whether it's obtrusive so much as it is irrelevant. Mentioning Lee adds no extra meaning, and isn't significant to the identity of the character. That's just my take.

Fair enough! I'll keep it in the back of my head and reconsider at a later point whether the name should remain in :) thank you for the feedback tho! You made some good points, especially regarding the orphanages in option 3 and the effect line of option 4!
Last edited by Great Robertia on Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:17 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:24 pm

Great Robertia wrote:
Westinor wrote:It's not a question of whether it's obtrusive so much as it is irrelevant. Mentioning Lee adds no extra meaning, and isn't significant to the identity of the character. That's just my take.

Fair enough! I'll keep it in the back of my head and reconsider at a later point whether the name should remain in :) thank you for the feedback tho! You made some good points, especially regarding the orphanages in option 3 and the effect line of option 4!


Like effect line 4 a lot, maybe simplifying it to "paranoid parents hover metal detectors over their newborn/children" would make it flow better?
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Great Robertia
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Founded: Jul 17, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Great Robertia » Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:33 pm

Westinor wrote:Like effect line 4 a lot, maybe simplifying it to "paranoid parents hover metal detectors over their newborn/children" would make it flow better?

Done! I went with 'newborn', as the image of two terrified parents hovering a metal detector over a baby seems funny to me :P
Last edited by Great Robertia on Tue Aug 18, 2020 2:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Great Robertia
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Posts: 203
Founded: Jul 17, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Great Robertia » Fri Aug 28, 2020 2:57 am

Any new feedback on this issue? :) I'm fairly content with where it is at, at the moment!
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Fauxia
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Posts: 4429
Founded: Dec 22, 2016
New York Times Democracy

Postby Fauxia » Fri Aug 28, 2020 8:53 pm

References to clothing don't work for nations with nudism.
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Reploid Productions wrote:Unfortunately, Max still won't buy the mods elite ninja assassin squads to use, so... no such luck.

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Great Robertia
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Posts: 203
Founded: Jul 17, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Great Robertia » Sat Aug 29, 2020 3:33 am

Fauxia wrote:References to clothing don't work for nations with nudism.

Completely overlooked that bit! xD but it's fixed in the newest draft! The clothing references have been changed to the sunlight creating a bright halo around the head of one minister, and plucks of hair sticking up like horns with the other. The reference should remain clear that way while being still valid for countries with Nudism :)
Last edited by Great Robertia on Sat Aug 29, 2020 3:34 am, edited 2 times in total.
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Great Robertia
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Posts: 203
Founded: Jul 17, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Great Robertia » Tue Sep 01, 2020 12:05 pm

As I'm satisfied with where this issue is at now, I have decided to move it to Last Call. Any last comments or feedback would be great!
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Great Robertia
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Posts: 203
Founded: Jul 17, 2019
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Great Robertia » Sat Sep 05, 2020 3:18 pm

Issue submitted! Thank you everyone for your feedback and comments :D
The Imperial State of Great Robertia

An empire formed from the unification of the Robertian Peninsula, where the monarch is revered in a cult of personality.

Our Leader: Emperor Robert Peter I | Our Capital: Saint Robertsburg | Government type: Unitary semi-constitutional parliamentary monarchy | Technology level: Post-Modern Tech | Civilization index: 13.71


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Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 20925
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Australian rePublic » Sat Sep 05, 2020 5:09 pm

Good Luck!
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
17 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution List of NPC Nations
This account is fictious. Any In-Character posts made by this account do not reflect the actions of any real world government


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