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[DRAFT] Recess gone wrong.

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

[DRAFT] Recess gone wrong.

Postby Syrgastan » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:36 pm

My draft.
TITLE

Recess gone wrong


DESCRIPTION

Weeks ago in @@ANIMAL@@ city a child, 3 years of age went missing in a super market. He was recently found dead at a train station with several wounds and batteries shoved up his anus, and appeared to have been tortured. Upon closer investigation they were able to figure out that two 10 year old boys were the culprits, many are asking if they are old enough to be prosecuted.

OPTION 1


@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, A mother of the child who was killed, tears strolling down her face opens with: “they are ten years old! They knew better. The government should prosecute these monsters who killed my baby! Why, in the name of violet would you not prosecute them!” She ends up sobbing so hard she passes out from lack of oxygen.

FALLOUT

Anyone who sobs enough gets a child in jail.

OPTION 2


“I love @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ as much as you do, they are lovely but some, (including you) are ignorant.” Says a mother of the child who killed the young boy. “Little @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ here Can do no wrong! He doesn’t have a moral compass! Only adults should be allowed to go to jail!” Guards takle her to the ground as she somehow snuck into the capital building.

FALLOUT


Any court case that involves a child is struck null and void.


OPTION 3


Some skateboard kid throws stones at your window and yells “or we could just get rid of the court altogether. It costs the taxpayers so much money, and like who cares man! The government should have no business in what I’m doing!” A large crowd gathers to try and support the skateboard kid.

FALLOUT


All prisoners are released from jail and the court is no more.


Any thoughts?
Last edited by Syrgastan on Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Syrgastan » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:36 pm

I’m not sure if this is a thing yet. If so sorry.

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Noahs Second Country
Issues Editor
 
Posts: 1548
Founded: Aug 31, 2016
Anarchy

Postby Noahs Second Country » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:44 pm

I'm not aware of any issues on this particular case, but there are a number of general suggestions I have here:

The title doesn't make too much sense in the context of the issue. If this somehow happened during recess, how would teachers not notice some of their students leaving the areas? This brings up a whole new set of questions regarding negligence. Anyway, you explicitly state it occurs in a supermarket.

I think that it may be appropriate to describe the incident in some level of graphic detail, but probably not in the way you did it here. Is there another detail you can think of that makes it clear this wasn't some freak accident?

I'm unsure of how someone passes out from crying... is that really a thing?

Why is it illegal for the mother to be in the capitol building but the other characters in other options have no problems?

Your effect lines are rather obvious - try to think of a more hyperbolic line or an unintentional side effect of these policies.

Additionally, I recommend adding some more meat to each option and ensuring the grammar/punctuation is all correct.
Second Best™

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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Syrgastan » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:56 pm

Noahs Second Country wrote:I'm not aware of any issues on this particular case, but there are a number of general suggestions I have here:

The title doesn't make too much sense in the context of the issue. If this somehow happened during recess, how would teachers not notice some of their students leaving the areas? This brings up a whole new set of questions regarding negligence. Anyway, you explicitly state it occurs in a supermarket.

I think that it may be appropriate to describe the incident in some level of graphic detail, but probably not in the way you did it here. Is there another detail you can think of that makes it clear this wasn't some freak accident?

I'm unsure of how someone passes out from crying... is that really a thing?

Why is it illegal for the mother to be in the capitol building but the other characters in other options have no problems?

Your effect lines are rather obvious - try to think of a more hyperbolic line or an unintentional side effect of these policies.

Additionally, I recommend adding some more meat to each option and ensuring the grammar/punctuation is all correct.

The super market thing is just stating where he was last seen but thanks for the advice!

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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Syrgastan » Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:58 pm

Does anyone have an idea for a new title? I’m not good at these things.
Last edited by Syrgastan on Tue Aug 11, 2020 11:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Syrgastan » Wed Aug 12, 2020 12:08 am

[DRAFT 2]

My draft.
TITLE

Supermarket slowdown


DESCRIPTION

Weeks ago in @@ANIMAL@@ city a child, 3 years of age went missing in a super market. He was recently found dead at a train station with several wounds and batteries shoved up his anus, and appeared to have been tortured. Upon closer investigation they were able to figure out that two 10 year old boys were the culprits, many are asking if they are old enough to be prosecuted.

OPTION 1


@@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, A mother of the child who was killed, tears strolling down her face opens with: “they are ten years old! They knew better. The government should prosecute these monsters who killed my baby! Why, in the name of violet would you not prosecute them!” She ends up sobbing so hard she passes out from lack of oxygen.

FALLOUT

Anyone who sobs enough gets a child in jail.

OPTION 2


“I love @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ as much as you do, they are lovely but some, (including you) are ignorant.” Says a mother of the child who killed the young boy. “Little @@RANDOMMALEFIRSTNAME@@ here Can do no wrong! He doesn’t have a moral compass! Only adults should be allowed to go to jail!” Guards takle her to the ground as she somehow snuck into the capital building.

FALLOUT


Any court case that involves a child is struck null and void.


OPTION 3


Some skateboard kid throws stones at your window and yells “or we could just get rid of the court altogether. It costs the taxpayers so much money, and like who cares man! The government should have no business in what I’m doing!” A large crowd gathers to try and support the skateboard kid.

FALLOUT


All prisoners are released from jail and the court is no more.

What do ya think?

User avatar
Electrum
Issues Editor
 
Posts: 2829
Founded: Jan 20, 2013
Capitalizt

Postby Electrum » Wed Aug 12, 2020 12:39 am

We already have issue 381 on the prosecution of young people committing crimes.

Just for your reference, that description is far too graphic to ever be accepted as an issue. When you present a serious matter as a premise, you need to write it delicately.
Last edited by Electrum on Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:39 am, edited 2 times in total.

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Daarwyrth
Diplomat
 
Posts: 545
Founded: Jul 05, 2016
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Daarwyrth » Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:12 am

May I suggest the following for the description of the murder in the premise, instead of the too graphic scene you have atm?
He was recently found dead at a train station, and judging from the pale, distraught faces of the cops and coroners present, the child's body had been mutilated and tortured severely before death.

It conveys the seriousness of the crime in a much more delicate manner.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
The Royal Commonwealth of Daarwyrth

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Syrgastan
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Posts: 19
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Syrgastan » Wed Aug 12, 2020 2:41 am

Electrum wrote:We already have issue 381 on the prosecution of young people committing crimes.

Just for your reference, that description is far too graphic to ever be accepted as an issue. When you present a serious matter as a premise, you need to write it delicately.
damnit


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