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[RE-DRAFT Of Wealth and Health

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
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Wischland
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Civil Rights Lovefest

[RE-DRAFT Of Wealth and Health

Postby Wischland » Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:23 am

Re-opening this to fix some problems.

Of Health and Wealth
The Issue:
@@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute recently discovered a cure for a rare but deadly disease using the unique blood genetics of residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@. The institute is now seeking to patent and sell this cure. Town residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.

The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood," insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a teetering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it." @@HE@@ concludes, right as the tower of research papers topples over and scatters across your office floor.

Effect: the blood, sweat, and tears of poor @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ make research institutes rich

2. "The blood was stolen!" interrupts civil rights activist, @@RANDOMNAME@@, punching the Director out of the way. "Well, not really stolen, but taken without the informed consent of the poor town residents. The researchers were in town for all of three days, pressured residents into giving up blood, and used so much science jargon that no one could understand what they were even researching. Residents signed consent forms without knowing that they were letting that corrupt institute abuse their rights! No informed consent means no patent! But since the research has already been completed, maybe you should open it up for public use, instead of letting it go to waste.

Effect: research volunteers are required to have a doctorate in medicine to ensure their consent is properly informed

3. "Now you wait a minute!" roars town resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaving dirty boot prints on the fallen research papers as @@HE@@ storms into your office. "That cure belongs to us, and ain't nobody else should have rights to it. Those stuck-up researchers wouldn’t have found anything without our blood! And since the genee…genuh…, ge-whatever-it-was needed to find the cure was in our blood, we're the real owners of it! Prevent that greedy institute from patenting the cure, and give us the right to sell it instead!"

Effect: citizens often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits

4. "Why are we arguing over this?" asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, while collecting and brushing dirt off of the scattered papers. "We have a cure for a deadly disease. The government should take control over its production and distribution, so that no @@DEMONYM@@ suffers from it any longer. In fact, the government should just take over the whole health care system, to ensure the people are actually getting the treatment they need."

Effect: surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color


4th Draft
Of Health and Wealth
The Issue:
@@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute recently discovered a cure for a rare but deadly disease using the unique blood genetics of residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@. The institute is now seeking to patent and sell this cure. Town residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.

The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was consent to give up a little blood," insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a teetering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it." @@HE@@ concludes, right as the tower of research papers topples over and scatters across your office floor.

Effect: the blood, sweat, and tears of poor @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ make research institutes rich

2. "Don't listen to that city slicker!" roars town resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaving dirty boot prints on the fallen research papers as @@HE@@ storms into your office. "Those stuck-up researchers pressured us into giving our blood, and used so much science mumbo-jumbo, we didn't even know what they were researching. So, we didn't really consent to anything! And since the genee…genuh…, ge-whatever-it-was needed to find the cure was in our blood, we're the real owners of it! Prevent that greedy institute from patenting the cure, and give us the right to sell it instead!"

Effect: citizens often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits

3. "Why are we arguing over this?" asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, while collecting and brushing dirt off of the scattered papers. "We have a cure for a deadly disease. The government should take control over its production and distribution, so that no @@DEMONYM@@ suffers from it any longer. In fact, the government should just take over the whole health care system, to ensure the people are actually getting the treatment they need."

Effect: surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color

3rd Draft
Of Wealth and Health
The Issue:
@@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute recently discovered a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@. The institute is now seeking to patent and sell this cure. Town residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.

The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood," insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a teetering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it. In fact, you should support us with subsidies for further research and cure production!" @@HE@@ concludes, right as the tower of research papers topples over and scatters across your office floor.

Effect: the blood, sweat, and tears of poor @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ make research institutes rich

2. "Don't listen to that city slicker!" roars town resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaving dirty boot prints on the fallen research papers as @@HE@@ storms into your office. "Those stuck-up researchers wouldn't have found out anything without our blood. Since the genee…genuh…, ge-whatever-it-was needed to find the cure was in our blood, we're the real owners of it! Prevent that greedy institute from patenting the cure, and give us the right to sell it instead!"

Effect: citizens often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits

3. "Why are we arguing over this?" asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, while collecting and brushing dirt off of the scattered papers. "We have a cure for a deadly disease. The government should take control over its production and distribution, so that no @@DEMONYM@@ suffers from it any longer. In fact, the government should just take over the whole health care system, to ensure the people are actually getting the treatment they need."

Effect: surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color

2nd Draft
Blood Money
The Issue:
Following @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute's discovery of a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@, it is seeking to patent and sell the cure. The residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.

The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood," insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a teetering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these papers, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it. In fact, you should support us with subsidies for further research and cure production!" @@HE@@ concludes, right as the tower of research papers topples over and scatters across your office floor.

Effect: the blood, sweat, and tears of poor @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ make research institutes rich

2. "Don't listen to that city slicker!" roars town resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaving dirty boot prints on the fallen research papers as @@HE@@ storms into your office. "Those stuck-up researchers wouldn't have found out anything without our blood. Since the genee…genuh…, ge-whatever-it-was needed to find the cure was in our blood, we're the real owners of it! Prevent that greedy institute from patenting the cure, and give us the right to sell it instead!"

Effect: @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits

3. "Why are we arguing over this?" asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, while collecting and brushing dirt off of the scattered papers. "We have a cure for a deadly disease. The government should take control over its production and distribution, so that no @@DEMONYM@@ suffers from it any longer. In fact, the government should just take over the whole health care system, to ensure @@NAME@@'s people are actually getting the treatment they need."

Effect: surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color

1st Draft
Blood Money
The Issue:
Following @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute's discovery of a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@, it is seeking to patent and sell the cure. The residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.

The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood." insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a towering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these papers, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it. In fact, you should support us with subsidies for further research and cure production!" @@HE@@ concludes, with a grand flourish that knocks over the papers and scatters them all over your office floor.

Effect: the blood, sweat, and tears of poor @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ make research institutes rich

2. "Don't listen to that city slicker!" roars town resident @@RANDOMNAME@@, leaving dirty boot prints on the fallen research papers as @@HE@@ storms into your office. "Those stuck-up researchers wouldn't have found out anything without our blood. Since the genee…genuh…, ge-whatever-it-was needed to find the cure was in our blood, we're the real owners of it! Prevent that greedy institute from patenting the cure, and give us the right to sell it instead!"

Effect: @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits

3. "Why are we arguing over this?" asks Dr. @@RANDOMNAME@@, while collecting and brushing dirt off of the scattered papers. "We have a cure for a deadly disease. The government should take control over its production and distribution, so that no @@DEMONYM@@ suffers from it any longer. In fact, the government should just take over the whole health care system, to ensure @@NAME@@'s people are actually getting the treatment they need."

Effect: surgical tape has taken on a distinctly red color
Last edited by Wischland on Thu Aug 06, 2020 4:52 pm, edited 12 times in total.

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SherpDaWerp
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Postby SherpDaWerp » Tue Jul 07, 2020 10:34 pm

Wischland wrote:THIS IS NOT MY FIRST DRAFT!!! This is just a rough outline of what I'm thinking, hence the lack of proper names, effect lines, and humor. I want to make sure this isn't already an existing issue, so I'm posting it here. If you notice any overlap or have any ideas you'd like me to include in my first draft, let me know!
If you want to check for existing issues, you're looking for the Spoiler thread. Think of a few keywords (not more than 5 or so) that such an issue would have to have (for this issue, stuff like "medical", "blood", or "disease"), go to the spoiler thread, and Ctrl-F search through the issues. If nothing seems similar, then you're generally good to go. Rarely, a draft will have only recently been published (and therefore, not be reported in the spoiler thread), but someone will tell you if that's the case.

In this case, I found some loose potential overlaps with #752, #763, and #191.

#191 is about forcing people to donate blood, #752 is about taking tissue and/or samples from people without their consent, and #763 is about medical testing on live volunteers. Of the three, #752 is perhaps the most pertinent, however I don't think that any of them have enough similarities to shoot down this draft.

Your next step should be to present a properly fleshed-out draft that we can give meaningful feedback on. There's nothing wrong with creating a rough draft like this, but there's not much point in putting it out for feedback - what can we critique when the draft isn't finished?

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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Wed Jul 08, 2020 10:37 am

I did check for existing issues, but I've missed overlap before, so I'm trying to be extra careful. In fact, I missed issue #752, so I'm glad that you brought it to my attention. I'll be sure to differentiate my draft! ;)

I'm working on a fully fleshed out draft now, and will hopefully have it done by next major. Thank you!

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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:33 pm

Can you please give the pharmaceutical company a more creative name?
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:34 pm

Ok, I have a finished draft now. Definitely in need of improvements though, so any help is appreciated!

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Minskiev
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Postby Minskiev » Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:35 pm

This seems to be a common error. It’s @@NAME@@, not @@NATION@@.

Weird how you did the correct macro the second time..

I believe in the second option you spelt demonym incorrectly.

Also, wouldn’t it be Dr. @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ instead?
Last edited by Minskiev on Thu Jul 09, 2020 7:39 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Thu Jul 09, 2020 8:11 pm

Minskiev wrote:This seems to be a common error. It’s @@NAME@@, not @@NATION@@.

Oops! Thanks for the catch.

Minskiev wrote:I believe in the second option you spelt demonym incorrectly.

I even looked up how to spell it. That's embarrassing. Fixed!

Minskiev wrote:Also, wouldn’t it be Dr. @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ instead?

I think a full name works better, since in real life I'd introduce someone for the first time with their full name. Could just be a me thing though!

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jul 13, 2020 3:04 am

Wischland wrote:Following @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute's discovery of a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@, it is seeking to patent and sell the cure. The residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.


Interesting premise, reminds me a bit of the issue we already have over HeLa cells (#752).

If you'd written this badly, I'd probably say the overlap was too strong, but the quality of writing here persuades me your issue has its own right to exist.

The only tweak of note I'd suggest at this stage is a title change. Alliterative titles are okay, but a last resort. I think you can do better!

Give me a TG when this one is done, I'd be interested in publishing it.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Mon Jul 13, 2020 5:43 pm

Thank you very much! I'll be sure to do so. And I'll spend some time brainstorming for better titles. Perhaps something with the blood money line from the 1st option's effects? Decisions, decisions...

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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Thu Jul 16, 2020 2:33 pm

Been a bit, but I've been busy. Bumping this now!

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Apabeossie
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Postby Apabeossie » Thu Jul 16, 2020 4:26 pm

Seems like a well written premise and the options are too!
Wischland wrote:1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood,"

need a comma here.
also, the first effect might be in need of some kind of humorous outcome since the current one is too normal.
this is a minor issue but I'm unsure why the director would scatter the paper around when they want leader to see them. you don't need to change this if you don't want to although I'd suggest either scattering over the desk(although not sure how that will connect to the next option) or the second guy knocking the papers over the floor.
Last edited by Apabeossie on Thu Jul 16, 2020 4:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Westinor » Thu Jul 16, 2020 4:32 pm

A quick read over this seems pretty impressive! Well done :)
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Thu Jul 16, 2020 6:28 pm

Thank you both! I edited the 1st option so that the papers fall over on their own. I think it solves the issue of the director knocking it over, while still leading nicely into the 2nd option.

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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Mon Jul 20, 2020 3:24 pm

Bumping this again. I'm hoping to submit this sometime next week, but we'll see what happens!

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Postby Fauxia » Mon Jul 20, 2020 6:58 pm

It looks good to me. Reminds me of a few issues but I think it’s distinct enough.
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Tue Jul 21, 2020 5:35 pm

Thank you! Your approval is appreciated!

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Postby Wischland » Sat Jul 25, 2020 9:14 am

I'm looking to submit this by the end of the weekend, probably in about 30 hours or so. Let me know is you have any last-minute critiques!

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Postby Hellslayer » Sat Jul 25, 2020 9:22 am

I think it's great. The only thing I'd have to say is the title, I think there must be a wittier one for it. Still, I love it, and really hope I get the issue if it's published!
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Postby Candensia » Sat Jul 25, 2020 10:00 am

Just some final polishing suggestions for you.

@@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ often receive cure patents alongside ancestry information from DNA test kits


I'd recommend not starting an effect with @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ it'll translate into —> following new legislation in Candensia, Candensians often receive... and that sounds somewhat repetitive. I'd consider rewording if you can. It's a stylistic thing though, so it's up to you.


to ensure @@NAME@@'s people are actually getting the treatment they need."


Generally, I'd recommend avoiding @@NAME@@'s as it makes things funky if the macro translates to a name already ending in s. Maybe try "our" or "the" or something like that.
Last edited by Candensia on Sat Jul 25, 2020 10:05 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Postby Daarwyrth » Sat Jul 25, 2020 11:47 am

The first thing I noticed is the first sentence of the premise:

Following @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute's discovery of a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@,


I have a tendency to write long sentences myself, and frequently have to remind myself to add punctuation to break it up a bit :) perhaps consider breaking up this sentence.

If you read through these papers


Consider leaving out "papers", as it's clear enough the director is talking about them.

I think the issue is a very good one and nicely written! It touches on the same subject as a previous issue (I can't remember the name from the top of my head) but I feel as if your issue is distinct enough to coexist. Of course, I am a mere mortal and not an Issues Editor ;) nonetheless, well done! This shaping up to be a solid draft, in my opinion.
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Sat Jul 25, 2020 11:48 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Sat Jul 25, 2020 5:25 pm

Hellslayer wrote:I think it's great. The only thing I'd have to say is the title, I think there must be a wittier one for it. Still, I love it, and really hope I get the issue if it's published!

Thank you! I'm not super pleased with the title either, but it's the best I can come up with. Hopefully I'll be able to improve my title-making skills the more issues I write.

Candensia wrote:Just some final polishing suggestions for you.
I'd recommend not starting an effect with @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ it'll translate into —> following new legislation in Candensia, Candensians often receive... and that sounds somewhat repetitive. I'd consider rewording if you can. It's a stylistic thing though, so it's up to you.
[...]
Generally, I'd recommend avoiding @@NAME@@'s as it makes things funky if the macro translates to a name already ending in s. Maybe try "our" or "the" or something like that.

Ooooh, this is a huge help. I'm still getting used to macros, so these tips are greatly appreciated. I fixed them here and will keep them in mind for the future.

Daarwyrth wrote:The first thing I noticed is the first sentence of the premise:
I have a tendency to write long sentences myself, and frequently have to remind myself to add punctuation to break it up a bit :) perhaps consider breaking up this sentence.

Glad to see I'm not the only one with a tendency to forget periods exist. :p The sentences have been shortened; thanks for the help in polishing everything up!

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Postby Daarwyrth » Sun Jul 26, 2020 2:10 pm

Wischland wrote:
Hellslayer wrote:I think it's great. The only thing I'd have to say is the title, I think there must be a wittier one for it. Still, I love it, and really hope I get the issue if it's published!

Thank you! I'm not super pleased with the title either, but it's the best I can come up with. Hopefully I'll be able to improve my title-making skills the more issues I write.


Oh, I have an idea!

A Tale of Wealth and Health


You could also reduce it to this if you feel it's too long:

Of Wealth and Health
Last edited by Daarwyrth on Sun Jul 26, 2020 2:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Sun Jul 26, 2020 6:34 pm

I like it! I'm a sucker for a cute rhyme, so I can't say no.

Also, since quite a few people have commented, I think I'll wait another day before submitting, just in case.
Last edited by Wischland on Sun Jul 26, 2020 6:36 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jul 27, 2020 4:59 am

Of Wealth and Health
The Issue:
@@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute recently discovered a cure for a rare but deadly genetic disease using blood taken from residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@. The institute is now seeking to patent and sell this cure. Town residents, however, are protesting that they should have ownership over the cure, and are threatening a lawsuit. The distressed director of @@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute has rushed to your office to ask for help.


I'd suggest that it be clear that its the ownership of genes that is in question here, and trim it. For example:

@@CAPITAL@@ Medical Research Institute recently discovered a cure for a rare but deadly disease using the unique blood genetics of residents of a small town in rural @@NAME@@.

We also need to determine how they acquired those genes. After all, if the blood was voluntarily given for research purposes, then any Pharma company would have got them to sign bits of paper declaring the data to be the property of that company. Maybe it was donated blood for blood bank use, and the company only got permission from the hospital to run these trials, but never got explicit consent from the subjects?



The Debate:
1. "Look, all those country bumpkins—I mean, valued hemoglobin donors did was give up a little blood," insists Director @@RANDOMNAME@@, while placing a teetering stack of research papers on your desk with a loud thud. "If you read through these, you'll see that we're the ones who did all the work in researching the cure, so we have every right to sell it. In fact, you should support us with subsidies for further research and cure production!" @@HE@@ concludes, right as the tower of research papers topples over and scatters across your office floor.



The subsidies proposition is unneeded here. The question of who has rights is enough in itself, and adding subsidies on seems like trying to force an "NS shape" on an issue option that doesn't demand it.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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Wischland
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Postby Wischland » Mon Jul 27, 2020 2:40 pm

I knew leaving this draft up for another day was a good idea! I've done my best to solve the problems you mentioned.

We also need to determine how they acquired those genes.

This is tough, because if I place too much focus on consent, I think it really starts to overlap with other issues. But, I think you make a fair point. I've added in a few lines about how the consent given by the town residents is dubious, due to misinformation and pressure from the institute. I decided to go with this, as my inspiration for this issue, the Texas Vampires, involved dubious consent for these reasons. Plus, the idea of the blood bank makes the issue rather lengthy. It seems to me that the validity of consent from blood banks could almost be an issue on its own. I'll keep it in mind for the future...

The subsidies proposition is unneeded here.

Fixed!

Thank you for all your help. It really does mean a lot to me to be getting so many serious and insightful critiques, despite how new I am to issue writing. I'll submit this issue in a few hours, so that my last call is actually a last call. :p

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