NATION

PASSWORD

[DRAFT] Raise A Glass To Freedom

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

[DRAFT] Raise A Glass To Freedom

Postby Westinor » Sat Jul 04, 2020 11:04 pm

[title]Raise A Glass To Freedom

[desc]Today is the official date of the United Federation's independence, and United Federals all over the world are celebrating. The partygoers in @@NAME@@ have proven to be particularly rowdy, with the celebrations culminating in a firefight that resulted in the injury of several citizens, law enforcement officials and a goat.
[validity] has guns, law enforcement, and dual citizenship, capitalist

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting people celebrate, but we've got to draw the line somewhere!" rants wounded officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We need to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if people want to act like hooligans, they can head on over to Maxtopia. Mandate that partygoers keep their hands off of firearms and explosives, and maintain their noise level beneath a reasonable threshold. You have no idea how many nights I've woken up to the sound of teenagers rapping..."
[effect] @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ parties are so quiet you can hardly hear the beat drop

[option] "Ey', @@LEADER@@! What's this 'bout puttin' a cap on our celebrations?" hollers United Federal citizen @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives a jeep into your office. "Why, back home in the Federation we had enclosed areas, extra spacious and the like, where ever' body could join in on the festivities! How 'bout this — we can start up a party planning committee or sumn' that ensures events and festivals are properly planned and orderly, while keeping their distinct style! That way we can still do the Twin-Barreled Shotgun challenge, but keep them party poopers out of it! Wipe that expression off yer' face, its perfectly safe."
[effect] what happens in the party zone stays in the party zone

[option] "What?! These damned foreigners shouldn't be able to bring their lousy customs into our glorious @@TYPE@@!" seethes your hyper-nationalistic Minister of Homeland Security, who is known to eject immigrants across the border for 'terrorism and the like'. "C'mon @@LEADER@@, if anything, these horrid practices need to come to an end — we mustn't allow @@NAME@@ to devolve into a cesspool of chaos. Plus, I need an excuse to properly punish anyone who dares sing those repugnant foreign tunes in my coal mine..."
[effect] Dàguó immigrants celebrating the New Year are arrested for terrorism

[title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federals all over the world are celebrating. The United Federals in @@NAME@@ are proving to be particularly rowdy, with the celebrations culminating in a rambunctious incident involving two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks that resulted in the injury of several citizens, a law enforcement official and the goat in question.
[validity] has immigration, guns, law enforcement, has dual citizenship

[option] "These damned foreigners shouldn't be able to bring their lousy customs into our glorious @@TYPE@@!" seethes your hyper-nationalistic Minister of Homeland Security, who is known to regularly eject immigrants across the border for 'terrorism and the like' as he nurses his injured arm. "@@LEADER@@, if anything, we've got to stop these horrible practices — we mustn't allow @@NAME@@ to devolve into a cesspool of chaos. Keeping these immigrants is fine, so long as I keep getting cheap labor for my coal mine..."
[effect] Dàguóren celebrating the New Year are arrested for terrorism

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting foreigners celebrate their holidays, but we need to draw the line somewhere!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut after being bitten by a goat. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if people want to act like hooligans, they can head on over to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions lower their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, keep their hands off mind-altering substances, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. Why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ parties are an introvert's dream

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federationist citizen and partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear for whatevah' reason I want so long as I'm at ma' part'ay on ma' propert'ee! Now, Good day to you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] Maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide free-for-all by dinner time


[box][title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving some shotguns, two Bigtopian immigrants, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, the question of whether foreigners should be able to celebrate holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.
[validity] has immigration, guns

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting the people celebrate their holidays, but when you do what they did to those poor immigrants somebody's gotta draw the line!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if they want to act like hooligans, they can go to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions keep their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, take their hands off of any explosives and firearms, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. That'll make my job a lot easier — why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect] weddings are a somber occasion

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear. Aftuh' all, what's life without liberty? Happy Freed'um day tuh' you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] Maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide all-out brawl by dinner time
Last edited by Westinor on Mon Aug 03, 2020 9:17 am, edited 21 times in total.
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Honeydewistania
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1237
Founded: Jun 09, 2017
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Honeydewistania » Sat Jul 04, 2020 11:06 pm

Hilarious premise
Honeydewistania

Regional Military Director of Lazarus
Posts OOC unless marked otherwise.
Ambassador to the WA: Benji Hepperle

The MT Army Warrior
Biggest acheivement: Spelling
GA#494 "Regulating Desalination"
GA#498 "Ban on Forced Blood Sports"
GA#502 Repeal "Freedom to Seek Medical Care II"

SC#315 "Commend Vippertooth33"

User avatar
Trotterdam
Powerbroker
 
Posts: 8726
Founded: Jan 12, 2012
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Trotterdam » Sat Jul 04, 2020 11:15 pm

So is this issue about foreigners, holidays, or foreign holidays?

Nothing about the "celebrations got too rowdy" premise in general requires it having anything to do with foreigners, and indeed the options don't really address that angle.

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Sat Jul 04, 2020 11:20 pm

Trotterdam wrote:So is this issue about foreigners, holidays, or foreign holidays?

Nothing about the "celebrations got too rowdy" premise in general requires it having anything to do with foreigners, and indeed the options don't really address that angle.


Yeah, that's probably a good point. Ngl this was sort of going off the July 4th celebrations (hence the United Federation) but I'll go over this and address this problem. Thanks!

Honeydewistania wrote:Hilarious premise


:3
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Candensia
Diplomat
 
Posts: 714
Founded: Apr 20, 2017
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Candensia » Sun Jul 05, 2020 7:35 am

Take a look at #681.

It's a different occasion, but still probably intrudes on this debate.
Last edited by Candensia on Sun Jul 05, 2020 8:10 am, edited 1 time in total.
The Free Joy State wrote:Time spent working on writing skills -- even if the draft doesn't work -- is never wasted.

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Sun Jul 05, 2020 2:41 pm

Candensia wrote:Take a look at #681.

It's a different occasion, but still probably intrudes on this debate.


Good point - I'll have to work towards reworking this draft quite a bit :p
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 20683
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Jul 05, 2020 5:10 pm

Why would anyone choose option 2?
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
17 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution
This account is fictious. Any In-Character posts made by this account do not reflect the actions of any real world government

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Sun Jul 05, 2020 7:20 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Why would anyone choose option 2?


Currently working on reworking the draft a bit, heh. It's a bit of a mess right now, sorry about that
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Sun Jul 05, 2020 9:52 pm

Alright, I've reworked the issue a bit to focus more on foreign holidays/celebration of holidays in general. Now that I think about it, it still might be a bit overlapped with the issue Candensia mentioned before, so I'll go over that again tomorrow and see if there's anything else I can change. However, feedback is still extremely appreciated and welcome, lemme know what you guys think :)
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Atheris
Minister
 
Posts: 2118
Founded: Oct 05, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Atheris » Sun Jul 05, 2020 10:37 pm

Westinor wrote:In all seriousness, this draft likely has a million mistakes. Anyway, enjoy!
Okay, I kind of hate that I wrote this now.


[title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness (Title Likely To Change)

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving some shotguns, two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, (Feel free to not include the goat part! Just thought it would make it a bit funnier.)the question of whether foreigners should be able to celebrate nonnative holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.
[validity] has immigration, guns, law enforcement

[option] "It's these damned foreigners — they shouldn't be able to bring their lousy customs into our glorious @@TYPE@@!" seethes your hyper-nationalistic Minister of Homeland Security, who is known to regularly eject immigrants across the border for 'terrorism and the like'. "@@LEADER@@, if anything, we've got to stop these horrible practices — we mustn't allow @@NAME@@ to devolve into a cesspool of chaos. Keeping these immigrants is fine, so long as I keep getting cheap labor for my coal mine..."
[effect] dàguóren celebrating the New Year are arrested for terrorism (Effect lines shouldn't be capitalized, IIRC.)

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting foreigners celebrate their holidays, but we need to draw the line somewhere!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if people want to act like hooligans, they can head on over to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions lower their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, keep their hands off mind-altering substances, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. Why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ parties are an introvert's dream

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear for whatevah' reason I want so long as I'm at ma' part'ay on ma' propert'ee! Now, Good day to you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide free-for-all by dinner time



[title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving some shotguns, two Bigtopian immigrants, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, the question of whether foreigners should be able to celebrate holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.
[validity] has immigration, guns

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting the people celebrate their holidays, but when you do what they did to those poor immigrants somebody's gotta draw the line!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if they want to act like hooligans, they can go to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions keep their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, take their hands off of any explosives and firearms, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. That'll make my job a lot easier — why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect] weddings are a somber occasion

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear. Aftuh' all, what's life without liberty? Happy Freed'um day tuh' you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] Maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide all-out brawl by dinner time

Personal edits are in red. Personal comments are in green.

It's a very solid draft! I really like this issue.
Dollystana wrote:The one nation that you can’t get rid of.
Ceranapis wrote:"Who needs a country when you can write Ace Attorney fan fiction?"
Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?
Nouveau Quebecois did nothing wrong!
The self-proclaimed Resident Shitposter of NSG.
Ace/aro. Cis he/him. Trans ally.
"To comment is human, to preview, divine." - Godot
Orthodox Preterist Lutheran Christian.
I write AA fanfiction. Fuck you if you judge me.
WA RP nation: Union of Sovereign States and Republics
"What tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 9:40 am

Atheris wrote:
Westinor wrote:In all seriousness, this draft likely has a million mistakes. Anyway, enjoy!
Okay, I kind of hate that I wrote this now.


[title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness (Title Likely To Change)

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving some shotguns, two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, (Feel free to not include the goat part! Just thought it would make it a bit funnier.)the question of whether foreigners should be able to celebrate nonnative holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.
[validity] has immigration, guns, law enforcement

[option] "It's these damned foreigners — they shouldn't be able to bring their lousy customs into our glorious @@TYPE@@!" seethes your hyper-nationalistic Minister of Homeland Security, who is known to regularly eject immigrants across the border for 'terrorism and the like'. "@@LEADER@@, if anything, we've got to stop these horrible practices — we mustn't allow @@NAME@@ to devolve into a cesspool of chaos. Keeping these immigrants is fine, so long as I keep getting cheap labor for my coal mine..."
[effect] dàguóren celebrating the New Year are arrested for terrorism (Effect lines shouldn't be capitalized, IIRC.)

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting foreigners celebrate their holidays, but we need to draw the line somewhere!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if people want to act like hooligans, they can head on over to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions lower their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, keep their hands off mind-altering substances, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. Why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect]@@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ parties are an introvert's dream

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear for whatevah' reason I want so long as I'm at ma' part'ay on ma' propert'ee! Now, Good day to you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide free-for-all by dinner time



[title] Life, Liberty, And The Pursuit of Destructiveness

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving some shotguns, two Bigtopian immigrants, fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, the question of whether foreigners should be able to celebrate holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.
[validity] has immigration, guns

[option] "Look, I'm all for letting the people celebrate their holidays, but when you do what they did to those poor immigrants somebody's gotta draw the line!" rants exhausted 'everyday-joe' police officer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ shakily clutches a donut. "We've got to keep @@NAME@@ a civil place — if they want to act like hooligans, they can go to Maxtopia. Mandate that anyone celebrating special occasions keep their noise levels beneath a reasonable threshold, take their hands off of any explosives and firearms, and restrict their gatherings to groups of twenty or less. That'll make my job a lot easier — why do you need more than twenty people at a party anyway?"
[effect] weddings are a somber occasion

[option] "Listen up young'un, y'all can't go ‘round restrictin' my rights n' libert'ees on Freed'um Day!" hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ drives around in a B-Class @@ANIMAL@@ Tank (manufactured and built proudly in the United Federation). "Now I'ma hafta' ask y'all to respect ma' rights an’ get the heeeellll offa ma' back. I reserve ma' right tuh' bear arms, and tanks, and whatevuh' the hell it is I wanna bear. Aftuh' all, what's life without liberty? Happy Freed'um day tuh' you @@LEADER@@, and Violuht bless the @@TYPE@@." Patriotic music begins to play and an eagle lands on @@HIS@@ shoulder as @@HE@@ salutes into the distance.
[effect] Maxmas Eve tends to devolve into a nation-wide all-out brawl by dinner time

Personal edits are in red. Personal comments are in green.

It's a very solid draft! I really like this issue.


Thanks! Made the changes - the capitalisations on the end of effect lines if I remember correctly are there because they are the second clause in a sentence on the nation page (i.e. following new legislation, Maxmas… OR previous effect line, Maxmas…) so though a regular effect line would start uncapitalized, the effect lines I have are because the first word in each sentence are proper nouns, therefore deserving of capitalization no matter what.
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Atheris
Minister
 
Posts: 2118
Founded: Oct 05, 2018
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Atheris » Mon Jul 06, 2020 12:09 pm

Westinor wrote:
Atheris wrote:Personal edits are in red. Personal comments are in green.

It's a very solid draft! I really like this issue.


Thanks! Made the changes - the capitalisations on the end of effect lines if I remember correctly are there because they are the second clause in a sentence on the nation page (i.e. following new legislation, Maxmas… OR previous effect line, Maxmas…) so though a regular effect line would start uncapitalized, the effect lines I have are because the first word in each sentence are proper nouns, therefore deserving of capitalization no matter what.

Ah, right! Sorry, that slipped my mind.
Dollystana wrote:The one nation that you can’t get rid of.
Ceranapis wrote:"Who needs a country when you can write Ace Attorney fan fiction?"
Alles klar, Herr Kommissar?
Nouveau Quebecois did nothing wrong!
The self-proclaimed Resident Shitposter of NSG.
Ace/aro. Cis he/him. Trans ally.
"To comment is human, to preview, divine." - Godot
Orthodox Preterist Lutheran Christian.
I write AA fanfiction. Fuck you if you judge me.
WA RP nation: Union of Sovereign States and Republics
"What tangled webs we weave when we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

User avatar
Pythaga
Envoy
 
Posts: 280
Founded: Mar 31, 2020
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Pythaga » Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:08 pm

Description wrote:two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand


You're missing a comma between goat and fourteen crates, and potentially one between beer and and.

Option 2 wrote:keep their hands off mind-altering substances


I'm not sure that this passage would be applicable to nations with high legalized drug use.

Option 3 wrote:hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@


The party is happening in @@NAME@@, but the way you've worded things here opens the possibility of misinterpretation in my opinion. I'd recommend changing United Federation to United Federationist, or United Federation citizen and partygoer.

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Tue Jul 07, 2020 3:57 pm

Pythaga wrote:
Description wrote:two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat fourteen crates of beer and a cache of fireworks got out of hand


You're missing a comma between goat and fourteen crates, and potentially one between beer and and.

Option 2 wrote:keep their hands off mind-altering substances


I'm not sure that this passage would be applicable to nations with high legalized drug use.

Option 3 wrote:hollers rambunctious United Federation partygoer @@RANDOMNAME@@


The party is happening in @@NAME@@, but the way you've worded things here opens the possibility of misinterpretation in my opinion. I'd recommend changing United Federation to United Federationist, or United Federation citizen and partygoer.


Made the edits - what do you mean with the second suggestion? I sort of see it as if they have high legalization and choose that option the legality of drugs is sort of restricted to an extent in that case. (like a nation with loose drug laws and now it has an extra one seems fine to me)
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Pythaga
Envoy
 
Posts: 280
Founded: Mar 31, 2020
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Pythaga » Tue Jul 07, 2020 6:34 pm

Westinor wrote:Made the edits - what do you mean with the second suggestion? I sort of see it as if they have high legalization and choose that option the legality of drugs is sort of restricted to an extent in that case. (like a nation with loose drug laws and now it has an extra one seems fine to me)


You explanation makes a lot more sense than my original reasoning, you're probably fine as is.

User avatar
Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 21614
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jul 08, 2020 3:22 am

There's some good humour here, but it just doesn't seem to ring true to me as an issue. I guess we don't get many 4 July celebrations here in the UK, as there's not enough Americans here, and those that are here are often the ones that are here because they like British reserve as opposed to walking around chanting "USA USA".

I guess the closest thing for us is St Patrick's Day, but the English have adapted to that by joining in the fun and the revelries, and drinking more Guiness than the Irish do.

Likewise other exotic celebrations, like Divali, we similarly are happy to have any excuse for a knees-up.

So it just doesn't ring true from my own experiences. Why pass up an opportunity for a celebration? And if other people are celebrating their own thing, why be a party pooper?

This issue might work for others, but to me, it doesn't have that sense of verisimilitude.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Wed Jul 08, 2020 10:43 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:There's some good humour here, but it just doesn't seem to ring true to me as an issue. I guess we don't get many 4 July celebrations here in the UK, as there's not enough Americans here, and those that are here are often the ones that are here because they like British reserve as opposed to walking around chanting "USA USA".

I guess the closest thing for us is St Patrick's Day, but the English have adapted to that by joining in the fun and the revelries, and drinking more Guiness than the Irish do.

Likewise other exotic celebrations, like Divali, we similarly are happy to have any excuse for a knees-up.

So it just doesn't ring true from my own experiences. Why pass up an opportunity for a celebration? And if other people are celebrating their own thing, why be a party pooper?

This issue might work for others, but to me, it doesn't have that sense of verisimilitude.


Ack, yeah, I see what you mean.

However, it's distinguishing feature is that it's focused on foreign holidays. There might be a good in-between somewhere here, so I'll try to work on getting it there. Thanks!

EDIT: Yeah, not sure how I can twist this issue without losing its original focus. I'll keep working on it, but as of right now I can't seem to find the right fit :/
Last edited by Westinor on Wed Jul 08, 2020 2:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 21614
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Mon Jul 13, 2020 2:54 am

I guess the problem here is that this:

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer, and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, the question of whether @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should be able to celebrate non-native holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.


...is actually a premise AND an option.

This bit is the premise:

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer, and a cache of fireworks got out of hand


Whereas this is an option:

the question of whether @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should be able to celebrate non-native holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.


By putting that first bit in the opening, it feels like you're telling the player what response is the one to consider. Like imagine if Issue 8 read:

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as “Let It All Hang Out” has called on the government to relax public nudity laws, raising the question of whether nudity should be compulsory.


See what I mean?
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 13, 2020 1:39 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:I guess the problem here is that this:

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer, and a cache of fireworks got out of hand, the question of whether @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should be able to celebrate non-native holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.


...is actually a premise AND an option.

This bit is the premise:

[desc] Today is the official date of the United Federation’s founding, and United Federationists all over the world are celebrating. The Federationists in @@NAME@@ have proved to be particularly rowdy, and after an incident involving two Bigtopian immigrants, a goat, fourteen crates of beer, and a cache of fireworks got out of hand


Whereas this is an option:

the question of whether @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ should be able to celebrate non-native holidays in a particularly obstreperous manner has risen to the spotlight.


By putting that first bit in the opening, it feels like you're telling the player what response is the one to consider. Like imagine if Issue 8 read:

A loose coalition of sartorially-challenged individuals known as “Let It All Hang Out” has called on the government to relax public nudity laws, raising the question of whether nudity should be compulsory.


See what I mean?


Ah, I've got it. I think. Edited the description, but now it feels like it might be a bit open-ended? I'll continue looking at it, hopefully it looks better.Thanks!
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 21614
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Jul 14, 2020 3:14 am

Right, so let's see where we're at now.

The premise is fine now, though a bit longwinded when it's basically just saying "Noisy foreigners are being a bit disruptive in their celebrations."

The options though, you have:

1) Ban foreign celebrations
2) Excessively restrict foreign celebrations
3) Absolute free-for-all beyond what was being asked for.

So in other words, three crazy and extreme positions in a row.

I'd suggest it'd work better with two moderate (and opposite) positions, then one crazy position. Maybe along the lines of:

1) Let them celebrate, but with reasonable restrictions on noise and nuisance.
2) Back home in the UF there's properly planned events, stage something like that, and everyone can join in, and that contains the celebrations to official spaces.
3) Ban foreign celebrations.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:31 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Right, so let's see where we're at now.

The premise is fine now, though a bit longwinded when it's basically just saying "Noisy foreigners are being a bit disruptive in their celebrations."

The options though, you have:

1) Ban foreign celebrations
2) Excessively restrict foreign celebrations
3) Absolute free-for-all beyond what was being asked for.

So in other words, three crazy and extreme positions in a row.

I'd suggest it'd work better with two moderate (and opposite) positions, then one crazy position. Maybe along the lines of:

1) Let them celebrate, but with reasonable restrictions on noise and nuisance.
2) Back home in the UF there's properly planned events, stage something like that, and everyone can join in, and that contains the celebrations to official spaces.
3) Ban foreign celebrations.


Ah, got it. Will get to working on that, thanks!
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Anurial
Secretary
 
Posts: 30
Founded: Feb 17, 2020
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Anurial » Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:43 pm

Westinor wrote:
Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Right, so let's see where we're at now.

The premise is fine now, though a bit longwinded when it's basically just saying "Noisy foreigners are being a bit disruptive in their celebrations."

The options though, you have:

1) Ban foreign celebrations
2) Excessively restrict foreign celebrations
3) Absolute free-for-all beyond what was being asked for.

So in other words, three crazy and extreme positions in a row.

I'd suggest it'd work better with two moderate (and opposite) positions, then one crazy position. Maybe along the lines of:

1) Let them celebrate, but with reasonable restrictions on noise and nuisance.
2) Back home in the UF there's properly planned events, stage something like that, and everyone can join in, and that contains the celebrations to official spaces.
3) Ban foreign celebrations.


Ah, got it. Will get to working on that, thanks!


Perhaps adding a 4th option opposite to the extreme option. I like the idea of subsidising your own country's founding's celebrations to outcompete the United Federation's. Could be requested by some hyper-nationalistic minister with the effect being annual shouting matches across the border.

I'm not an expert at issue-writing in any way so external input to this suggestion ought to be taken with a lot more weight.
"When the people are being beaten with a stick, they are not much happier if it is called "the People's Stick".

Free Land of Anurial

4th August 2020
✉ Anarquía Mirror: Strikes sweep across Karsia as new labour laws extend legal workweek to 60 hours ¦ Pesian President backs Anurialian calls for Tacarada to respect Brindak requests ¦ Anurial First leader, Santiago Abascal, calls for a leader that will "protect from, not serve foreign interests" ¦ Politipoll: PSF 48%, PDS 30%, NLA 11%, SU 5%, AF 6%


User avatar
Westinor
Chargé d'Affaires
 
Posts: 463
Founded: Feb 15, 2020
Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Tue Jul 14, 2020 10:09 pm

Rewritten per CWA's suggestions! Hopefully this works better?
Anurial wrote:
Westinor wrote:
Ah, got it. Will get to working on that, thanks!


Perhaps adding a 4th option opposite to the extreme option. I like the idea of subsidising your own country's founding's celebrations to outcompete the United Federation's. Could be requested by some hyper-nationalistic minister with the effect being annual shouting matches across the border.

I'm not an expert at issue-writing in any way so external input to this suggestion ought to be taken with a lot more weight.


Hm, that's an interesting (and admittedly humorous) idea. It's a bit out of the way, but I'll think on it. Thanks!

EDIT: I'm also feeling the overwhelming urge to add a comma in effect line two - that wouldn't work there, would it?
Last edited by Westinor on Tue Jul 14, 2020 10:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Authorship - Things I've written!

Stay safe, wear a mask, and have a great day! :)

User avatar
Candlewhisper Archive
Senior Issues Editor
 
Posts: 21614
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Anarchy

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jul 17, 2020 1:10 am

Looks good.

I'd only add at this stage that Dàguóren isn't used in the issues. Instead Dàguó has been the demonym adjective for this nation as well.

Precedents are: Dàguó cuisine, Dàguó children, Dàguó shop, Dàguó Imperial Court, Dàguó gangs, Dàguó restaurant, Dàguó hoax, Dàguó ambassador, Dàguó companies, Dàguó takeaway, Dàguó defector, Dàguó government, Dàguó tourists, Dàguó astronauts, Dàguó doofuses, Dàguó latecomers, pesky Dàguó flag.

Quite amusing the stereotyping that suggests about our writing and editing, eh? Compare the nouns Brancalandian is associated with, and there's a real noticeable difference.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

User avatar
Honeydewistania
Ambassador
 
Posts: 1237
Founded: Jun 09, 2017
Capitalist Paradise

Postby Honeydewistania » Fri Jul 17, 2020 1:19 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Looks good.

I'd only add at this stage that Dàguóren isn't used in the issues. Instead Dàguó has been the demonym adjective for this nation as well.

Precedents are: Dàguó cuisine, Dàguó children, Dàguó shop, Dàguó Imperial Court, Dàguó gangs, Dàguó restaurant, Dàguó hoax, Dàguó ambassador, Dàguó companies, Dàguó takeaway, Dàguó defector, Dàguó government, Dàguó tourists, Dàguó astronauts, Dàguó doofuses, Dàguó latecomers, pesky Dàguó flag.

Quite amusing the stereotyping that suggests about our writing and editing, eh? Compare the nouns Brancalandian is associated with, and there's a real noticeable difference.

I think Dàguórén makes sense to describe people from Dàguó since Mandarin uses Zhóngguórén, Fáguórén to describe Chinese and French people respectively
Honeydewistania

Regional Military Director of Lazarus
Posts OOC unless marked otherwise.
Ambassador to the WA: Benji Hepperle

The MT Army Warrior
Biggest acheivement: Spelling
GA#494 "Regulating Desalination"
GA#498 "Ban on Forced Blood Sports"
GA#502 Repeal "Freedom to Seek Medical Care II"

SC#315 "Commend Vippertooth33"

Next

Advertisement

Remove ads

Return to Got Issues?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Paffnia, Westinor

Advertisement

Remove ads