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[Last call?] Cheque, Mate

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Giovanniland
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[Last call?] Cheque, Mate

Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jun 28, 2020 6:48 am

Hello! This is my 2nd issue draft ever, inspired by this article. Feel free to comment!

Draft 5:

Chess player @@RANDOMNAME_@@ recently won the Quatrefield Cup, an important national chess tournament. However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ had actually been using a hidden electronic device to cheat.

Validity: has a judiciary system

1. "This is completely unacceptable!" yells the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "It's obvious this case has to be taken to court, and @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ has to give the money back. Otherwise, how are we giving the true winner's money reward? We should turn cheating into a federal crime, and make trials the standard procedure for every case of cheating!
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped

2. "Is that really worth our time?" asks @@RANDOMNAME@@, an experienced judge. "Think of everyone harmed by crimes and accidents, and we're making trials about cheating in a chess game? The @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee ought to deal with this internally. Let's only have judgments about serious matters! The government can give some funding to sport organizations as a compromise.
Effect:

3. "You are all missing the real blunder here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who placed last on several chess tournaments. "No matter how hard we hit them, they will always find a way to cheat. Instead, the winning move is to ban competition incentives, such as prize money and fancy medals. The real winners are all the participants: let's honor them equally for playing. It'll be a turning point, but a welcome change for @@NAME@@!"
Effect: foreign athletes are confused by the national chess rules


Older Drafts:
After years of playing, chess player @@RANDOMNAME@@ checkmated all @@HIS@@ opponents in order to win the Quatrefield Cup, an important national chess tournament. However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ had actually been using a hidden electronic device to cheat.

1. "This is completely unacceptable!" yells the runner-up of the Quatrefield Cup. "The fact that it took so long to unmask the cheater shows the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee doesn't know to run professional tournaments! We ought to have government oversight to ensure no cheating takes place. Furthermore, every chess player needs to be punished severely if they dare to cheat!"
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped

2. "Why not let us handle it?" asks the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "We have operated our own tournament indepentently for decades, and this is the first time a cheater managed to win the Quatrefield Cup. We'll make sure none of this happens again, by placing infallible security screening to catch any hidden devices. The only thing we ask is to maintain autonomy in our decisions."
Effect: players with pacemakers are barred from entering tournaments

3. "You are all missing the real blunder here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, who placed last on several chess tournaments. "No matter how hard we hit them, they will always find a way to cheat. Instead, the winning move is to ban competition incentives, such as prize money and fancy medals. The real winners are all the participants: let's honor them equally for playing. It'll be a turning point, but a welcome change for @@NAME@@!"
Effect: foreign athletes are confused by the national chess rules
Chess player @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ recently won the most coveted national chess tournament. The prizes enabled @@HIM_1@@ to vastly improve @@HIS_1@@ lifestyle, as the prizes included a hefty sum of cash. However, it was discovered that @@HE_1@@ actually cheated by using a hidden electronic apparatus in order to help @@HIS_1@@ chess matches, thus illegally gaining money. People are now wondering whether this constitutes legal fraud, and how to handle the fallout.

1. "This is completely unacceptable," yells your Minister of Sports. "Cheating is against good sportsmanship, in any and all sports. Thus, it is clear the money was earned illegally! We ought to send @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to a trial, so they get punished for their heinous acts. Plus, we should refund the true winners of the tournament. This will show we are determined to checkmate all cheaters!"
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped

2. "Why don't you let us handle it?" questions the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "We have operated our own tournament matters for decades already! Indeed it's the first time a cheater rose through the ranks to win the highest national tournament, but I can assure you @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ will be taught a lesson. I just ask for some more government funding for investigation and enforcement of chess rules, @@LEADER@@. Surely it's a good investment, right?"
Effect: the latest technology used in chess investigations lacks on normal police queries

3. "You are all missing the real blunder here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, placed last on several chess tournaments. "No matter how hard we hit cheaters, they will always find new solutions to enact their mischievous ploy. Instead, the winning move is to ban competition itself, and use all this prize money to improve people's lives instead! The real winners are all the participants - let's honor them equally for playing. I believe that, if we enact this on chess, soon all sports will follow suit. It'll be turning point, but a welcome change for @@NAME@@!
Effect: foreign athletes are increasingly confused on @@NAME@@'s sport rules
@@NAME@@ has long been an international chess powerhouse, with several players claiming medals and trophies for the country. However, in the latest Chess World Cup, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ contestant @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ was caught cheating, placing the national reputation in check. Your advisors are now discussing the next move.

1. "This is completely unacceptable," notes your Minister of Sports. "Cheating is against good sportsmanship, in any and all sports. We can't influence international decisions, but we should ban @@RANDOMLASTNAME_1@@ from every chess tournament nationally. It is the only way to show the international chess community that we are harsh on these kind of people. Let's checkmate all cheaters!"
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped

2. "We must go further," remarks cabinet advisor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The fact that we even let this cheater pass in all national qualifiers until he was chosen as our Chess World Cup contestant is alarming! Simply banning is of no use, as other people could quickly rise through the ranks of the board, just like @@HE_1@@ did. Instead, the solution is to place surveillance cameras, checkpoints at tournament entries, and everything else possible, to ensure a fair game!
Effect: every piece movement in chess matches is carefully analyzed

3. "The blunder here is to think cheating is bad," says the Minister of Creative Solutions, wondering how to move a chess piece. "@@NAME@@ should instead encourage it. We're already great at chess, so why not let us be even better? This is the key to win every single chess competition ever!"
Effect: @@NAME@@ wins all chess tournaments because no other country participates in them
THE ISSUE: @@NAME@@ has long been an international chess powerhouse. However, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ grandmaster @@RANDOMNAMEMALE_1@@ was recently found cheating with a phone in the bathroom during an international tournament. Your advisors are now discussing the next move.

1. "This is completely unacceptable," notes International Chess Committee's President, @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We are proud to announce Mr. @@RANDOMLASTNAMEMALE_1@@ has been given a lifetime ban from international chess tournaments. Now, it is @@NAME@@'s turn to move. Ban him nationally as well, and you'll checkmate the cheaters."
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped

2. "@@RANDOMNAMEMALE_1@@ has put our national reputation in check!" cries chess fan @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We need to do more than banning him forever from chess. Instead, he should be sent to jail! Cheating in sports is just as bad as robbing someone, and it should be treated as such!"
Effect: sport cheaters are horrified to find the rules in prison are very different

3. "Why do all of this when technology solves the problem?" asks CEO of Pawn Shop @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The solution is simply to place checkpoints at every chess tournament entry. It will ensure fair game, as not a single technological device will bypass this scanner! Just sign this cheque, it's a win-win!
Effect: players with pacemakers are barred from entering tournaments

4. "The blunder here is to think cheating is bad," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, another chess player banned for cheating. "@@NAME@@ should instead encourage it. We're already great at chess, so why not let us be even better? This is the key to win every single chess competition ever!"
Effect: @@NAME@@ wins all chess tournaments because no other country participates in them
[/quote]
Last edited by Giovanniland on Thu Aug 13, 2020 11:00 am, edited 22 times in total.
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Aluminum Oxynitride
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Postby Aluminum Oxynitride » Sun Jun 28, 2020 8:47 am

I like the wordplay with "check" and "cheque" and other chess terms scattered throughout the issue!

A few suggestions
The issue:
-I think the phrase "only to be caught" is unnecessary. You mentioned earlier that the person was "found cheating."
-@@RANDOMNAME_1@@ can be a male or female name. Later on in the options, you specify that this is a male name.

Option 1:
-You use "Mr. @@RANDOMNAME_1@@." @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ is not guaranteed to be a masculine name. I don't know if there is a way to generate "Mr." or "Mrs." based on the random name. You may want to consider specifying female or male for your random name. (Option 2 also uses "his")
Giovanniland wrote:Now, it is @@NAME@@'s turn to do their move

-I would replace this sentence with "Now, it's @@NAME@@'s turn to move"
Giovanniland wrote:you'll give cheaters the checkmate.

-Replace with "you'll checkmate the cheaters"

Option 2:
Giovanniland wrote:Cheating in sports is no more than robbing someone

-I would change this to "Cheating in sports is just as bad as robbing someone"

Option 3:
Word play!! Puns!
Giovanniland wrote:It will ensure fair game, as not a single technology equipment will bypass this scanner

-"...as not a single technological device will..."

Option 4:
-You have a singular quotation mark at the end of the effect line. I think it was meant to go after the exclamation mark.
-I'd like to see some chess terminology in this option. Maybe there is a good chess term for "mistake" that could be used.
Giovanniland wrote:We're already great at chess, so why not increase it even further?

-I don't like the "so why not increase it even further?" part. But I'm not sure what I would change it too. Maybe, "so why not let us be even better?" I might just delete the entire sentence.

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Giovanniland
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Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jun 28, 2020 10:34 am

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:I like the wordplay with "check" and "cheque" and other chess terms scattered throughout the issue!

Thanks!

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:A few suggestions
The issue:
-I think the phrase "only to be caught" is unnecessary. You mentioned earlier that the person was "found cheating."
-@@RANDOMNAME_1@@ can be a male or female name. Later on in the options, you specify that this is a male name.

Option 1:
-You use "Mr. @@RANDOMNAME_1@@." @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ is not guaranteed to be a masculine name. I don't know if there is a way to generate "Mr." or "Mrs." based on the random name. You may want to consider specifying female or male for your random name. (Option 2 also uses "his")

I don't think there's a way to generate "Mr./Mrs.", but there's @@HE@@, @@HIS@@, and @@HIM@@. For now, I changed all references of the grandmaster to @@RANDOMNAMEMALE_1@@ instead, so it generates only a masculine name. Fixed that mistake in the description as well.

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:
Giovanniland wrote:Now, it is @@NAME@@'s turn to do their move

-I would replace this sentence with "Now, it's @@NAME@@'s turn to move"
Giovanniland wrote:you'll give cheaters the checkmate.

-Replace with "you'll checkmate the cheaters"

Option 2:
Giovanniland wrote:Cheating in sports is no more than robbing someone

-I would change this to "Cheating in sports is just as bad as robbing someone"

Done for all of those.

Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:Option 3:
Word play!! Puns!
Giovanniland wrote:It will ensure fair game, as not a single technology equipment will bypass this scanner

-"...as not a single technological device will..."

Not sure if you wanted me to add more word play and puns, but there's pawn shop, as well as cheque (check). Changed that other line as well.[/quote]
Aluminum Oxynitride wrote:Option 4:
-You have a singular quotation mark at the end of the effect line. I think it was meant to go after the exclamation mark.
-I'd like to see some chess terminology in this option. Maybe there is a good chess term for "mistake" that could be used.
Giovanniland wrote:We're already great at chess, so why not increase it even further?

-I don't like the "so why not increase it even further?" part. But I'm not sure what I would change it too. Maybe, "so why not let us be even better?" I might just delete the entire sentence.

Yes, I misplaced the quotation mark, thanks for spotting it. Usually, as a chess player, I usually use "blunder" which means a very bad move, so I added that. For the last suggestion, I think "so why not let us be even better?" is a good replacement. Thanks for all the suggestions!
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Postby Trotterdam » Sun Jun 28, 2020 10:49 am

Giovanniland wrote:However, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ grandmaster @@RANDOMNAMEMALE_1@@ was recently found cheating with a phone in the bathroom during an international tournament. Your advisors are now discussing the next move.
This would let you, what, cheat for one move every several matches, assuming that you can actually remember the position of the board and enter it into your phone while taking a break from the game? Anything more than that and it'd get pretty obvious.

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Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jun 28, 2020 11:41 am

Trotterdam wrote:
Giovanniland wrote:However, @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ grandmaster @@RANDOMNAMEMALE_1@@ was recently found cheating with a phone in the bathroom during an international tournament. Your advisors are now discussing the next move.
This would let you, what, cheat for one move every several matches, assuming that you can actually remember the position of the board and enter it into your phone while taking a break from the game? Anything more than that and it'd get pretty obvious.

Funnily enough, a precedent in 2015 happened when another grandmaster went several times to the bathroom, allegedly at the most difficult parts of a chess match. Needless to say, he obviously got caught as well, but it shows people have already done that in the past.
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:13 pm

Option 5- Ban toilet breaks
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Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jun 28, 2020 6:28 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Option 5- Ban toilet breaks

I don't think that'd be effective. Players could use some kind of unnoticeable, small headphone or chip where they'd coordinate with another player to feed them answers. I think the 4 options - ban the player, send him to jail, use technology detectors, encourage cheating - are fine as they are, but I'm open to feedback.
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Postby Noahs Second Country » Sun Jun 28, 2020 6:33 pm

This seems a bit too niche in the way you've adapted the idea here.

Why should the government be the one determining how this situation is handled? It seems much more reasonable to give this decision to an international governing chess body rather than the national government.

The real problem is that @@NAME@@ is being represented in an international tournament by a supposed cheater. That would call for things like increased analysis of those representing @@NAME@@, how to deal with the fallout, etc..

In the issue's current state this does not seem like a government problem.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:56 am

Agree with that. Cheating in a chess tournament doesn't seem to be government business.

OTOH, you could frame an issue around cheating in competitions in general, and whether that constitutes legal fraud, or should just be an internal matter for said competition's regulatory body to handle.
Last edited by Candlewhisper Archive on Tue Jun 30, 2020 4:57 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jul 05, 2020 11:57 am

Noahs Second Country wrote:This seems a bit too niche in the way you've adapted the idea here.

Why should the government be the one determining how this situation is handled? It seems much more reasonable to give this decision to an international governing chess body rather than the national government.

The real problem is that @@NAME@@ is being represented in an international tournament by a supposed cheater. That would call for things like increased analysis of those representing @@NAME@@, how to deal with the fallout, etc..

In the issue's current state this does not seem like a government problem.

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Agree with that. Cheating in a chess tournament doesn't seem to be government business.

OTOH, you could frame an issue around cheating in competitions in general, and whether that constitutes legal fraud, or should just be an internal matter for said competition's regulatory body to handle.

Thanks for the comments. I've launched Draft 2 and changed the issue focus on the government response on cheaters representing @@NAME@@ abroad.
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Postby Minskiev » Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:01 pm

Is @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ correct? Shouldn’t it be @@DEMONYM@@? Also, is @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ the correct formatting, if there are multiple random names?
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Postby Giovanniland » Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:18 pm

Minskiev wrote:Is @@DENONYMADJECTIVE@@ correct? Shouldn’t it be @@DEMONYM@@? Also, is @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ the correct formatting, if there are multiple random names?

There are three types of demonyms on your nation settings page (noun, adjective and plural), thus a specific macro is needed to differentiate between these.
As far as I know, @@RANDOMNAME@@ macros always give different names when used multiple times, but if we use @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ more than one time it'll refer to the same person. There's also @@HE_1@@ that I used, this will give either he or she, depending on the random name's gender.
Last edited by Giovanniland on Sun Jul 05, 2020 12:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Minskiev » Sun Jul 05, 2020 9:06 pm

Ah, now I see what you mean. Thanks.
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Postby Giovanniland » Mon Jul 06, 2020 2:31 pm

Minskiev wrote:Ah, now I see what you mean. Thanks.

No problem!

For everyone: Any more comments on the updated draft?
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:34 am

Honestly, my comments on the current draft are the same as the comments on the previous draft.

It doesn't feel like a government decision.

Instead, I think you should focus the premise on the legal question -- should cheating in a cash-prize tournament be considered a criminal offence, or just a matter for game's own regulatory bodies?

Something like:

Chess tournament winner gets rich from the prize money and endorsements, but is subsequently found to have cheated.
1) This is financial fraud, punish through courts and police.
2) Chess is its own milieu, let the game's own regulatory bodies handle it, give them legal authority to exact fines to help pay for enforcement and investigation.
3) Competition itself is toxic, and all cracking down does is persuade competitors to cheat more covertly. Ban monetary prizes, laud participation rather than victory, and thus change the underlying culture of gaming.
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Postby Giovanniland » Tue Jul 14, 2020 5:34 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Honestly, my comments on the current draft are the same as the comments on the previous draft.

It doesn't feel like a government decision.

Instead, I think you should focus the premise on the legal question -- should cheating in a cash-prize tournament be considered a criminal offence, or just a matter for game's own regulatory bodies?

Something like:

Chess tournament winner gets rich from the prize money and endorsements, but is subsequently found to have cheated.
1) This is financial fraud, punish through courts and police.
2) Chess is its own milieu, let the game's own regulatory bodies handle it, give them legal authority to exact fines to help pay for enforcement and investigation.
3) Competition itself is toxic, and all cracking down does is persuade competitors to cheat more covertly. Ban monetary prizes, laud participation rather than victory, and thus change the underlying culture of gaming.

Thanks for the awesome feedback. Even though I had to rework the issue almost entirely, I really like writing them - hopefully Draft 3 is better.
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jul 15, 2020 4:39 am

Its hard for many of us to conceive how you can cheat in a spectated chess game. Wikipedia has filled in some of the gaps for me, but do you think its worth being more specific here? A nonintentional touch move violation has different implications to colluding with opposing players for example.
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Postby Giovanniland » Wed Jul 15, 2020 1:33 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:Its hard for many of us to conceive how you can cheat in a spectated chess game. Wikipedia has filled in some of the gaps for me, but do you think its worth being more specific here? A nonintentional touch move violation has different implications to colluding with opposing players for example.

There are lots of ways to cheat in chess, and they are sadly only increasing while the ability to detect is getting harder due to technology. The article that originally gave me the issue idea says about the player repeatedly going to the bathroom (and he wasn't even the first one to do that). This other example used a camera hidden on the player's glasses, which sent the image to a powerful chess AI and then whispered the moves to an earpiece in the player's ear. Wikipedia has an interesting article about cheating with many other examples too.

The problem I see is, going too much into how the player cheated isn't exactly relevant to the issue. First, it may confuse people who don't play chess, even more than if I don't say anything about how the cheating was done. Second, it may turn the focus away from the real issue which is the legal question. I can maybe add a brief explanation (a sentence would be good) if it's really needed.
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Postby Drasnia » Thu Jul 16, 2020 7:39 pm

Giovanniland wrote:Chess player @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ recently won the most coveted national chess tournament, receiving valuable prizes. This enabled @@HIM_1@@ to vastly improve @@HIS_1@@ lifestyle, as the prizes included a hefty sum of cash.

Cheating is the issue at hand, not opulent lifestyles. It's important to establish that they cheated in order to get monetary benefits, but you spend half the description on it.

Giovanniland wrote:Your advisors are now discussing the next move.

This is a total non-sentence. We already know by it being an issue (meaning it has been brought to the attention of @@LEADER@@) that our advisors are discussing it.

Giovanniland wrote:1. "This is completely unacceptable," notes your Minister of Sports.

"Notes" is a tonal mismatch for this speaker. He's pretty animated when talking.

Giovanniland wrote:This is definitely not the first case of cheating, and it won't be the last. Indeed it's the first time a cheater rose through the ranks to win the highest national tournament

This doesn't make sense. Is this the first time that there's been cheating or is it not the first time?
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Postby Giovanniland » Tue Jul 21, 2020 2:15 pm

Drasnia wrote:
Giovanniland wrote:Chess player @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ recently won the most coveted national chess tournament, receiving valuable prizes. This enabled @@HIM_1@@ to vastly improve @@HIS_1@@ lifestyle, as the prizes included a hefty sum of cash.

Cheating is the issue at hand, not opulent lifestyles. It's important to establish that they cheated in order to get monetary benefits, but you spend half the description on it.

Giovanniland wrote:Your advisors are now discussing the next move.

This is a total non-sentence. We already know by it being an issue (meaning it has been brought to the attention of @@LEADER@@) that our advisors are discussing it.

I edited the description to add in your suggestions, including a sentence about how the cheating was made. Reduced the part talking about the prizes, and increased the talk about the actual issue at hand.

Drasnia wrote:
Giovanniland wrote:1. "This is completely unacceptable," notes your Minister of Sports.

"Notes" is a tonal mismatch for this speaker. He's pretty animated when talking.

Giovanniland wrote:This is definitely not the first case of cheating, and it won't be the last. Indeed it's the first time a cheater rose through the ranks to win the highest national tournament

This doesn't make sense. Is this the first time that there's been cheating or is it not the first time?

Thanks, changed from 'notes' to 'yells'. About your second comment, I did re-read it and now I realize it sounds confusing. I meant to say cheating always existed but this is the first time it happened in such a high-ranked tournament. It should read better now.
Last edited by Giovanniland on Tue Jul 21, 2020 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Cretox State » Wed Jul 22, 2020 11:30 am

I'll just mark up some things for better flow.

Giovanniland wrote:Chess player @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ recently won the most coveted national chess tournament this opening is a bit heavy-handed. It might work better to give the name of the tournament, rather than saying "it's coveted". The prizes enabled @@HIM_1@@ to vastly improve @@HIS_1@@ lifestyle, as the prizes included a hefty sum of cash again, this just reads awkwardly. The description is quite blunt, and tells rather than showing. However, it was discovered that @@HE_1@@ actually cheated <--remove a space here; you have two by using a hidden electronic apparatus in order to help @@HIS_1@@ chess matches why not just say "he used a hidden electronic device to cheat"?, thus illegally gaining money what's the point of this statement?. People are now wondering whether this constitutes legal fraud, and how to handle the fallout.This last sentence is completely unnecessary. I can understand your premise, but it's just a bit uncomfortable to read right now.

1. "This is completely unacceptable," yells your Minister of Sports. "Cheating is against good sportsmanship, in any and all sports. Thus, it is clear the money was earned illegally! We ought to send @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ to a trial, so they get punished for their heinous acts. Plus, we should refund the true winners of the tournament. This will show we are determined to checkmate all cheaters!"
Effect: the national average chess ranking has dramatically dropped
The effect line is decent. Who is this Minister of Sports, and why is he the one saying this instead of some random advisor? Is Chess technically a sport in @@NATION@@? Again, your ideas are good, but the execution is a bit clumsy. If cheating is poor sportsmanship, how does that suddenly make it illegal? And why is it Leader's decision whether to send some random cheater to court or not? What if the nation doesn't have a judiciary? "Refund" isn't a good word to use here if the person didn't get the money in the first place. How do you know who the "true winners" even are in this case? Generally speaking, issue options should constitute high-level policy decisions, not whether or not one person gets prosecuted for cheating in a Chess game.

2. "Why don't you let us handle it?" questions the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "We have operated our own tournament matters for decades already! Indeed it's the first time a cheater rose through the ranks to win the highest national tournament, but I can assure you @@RANDOMNAME_1@@ will be taught a lesson. I just ask for some more government funding for investigation and enforcement of chess rules, @@LEADER@@. Surely it's a good investment, right?"
Effect: the latest technology used in chess investigations lacks on normal police queries
The effect line here could definitely use some tweaking. I'm going to say this again: you have good ideas, but your execution needs to be more coherent. Take a step back, and think about what you would say if you were in the speaker's position, and how they would construct a cohesive argument. You options need to read as though someone is presenting their argument to you, not as if you're reading a summary on their positions. What government funding are we talking about here? Does he want to put expensive cameras and sensors in every competition chessboard? Typically clubs just kick people out for cheating. Also, please consider whether a line needs to be there, or whether it's just filler. Why do you need the last sentence of this option?

3. "You are all missing the real blunder here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, placed last on several chess tournaments. "No matter how hard we hit cheaters, they will always find new solutions to enact their mischievous ploy. Instead, the winning move is to ban competition itself, and use all this prize money to improve people's lives instead! The real winners are all the participants - let's honor them equally for playing. I believe that, if we enact this on chess, soon all sports will follow suit. It'll be turning point, but a welcome change for @@NAME@@!
Effect: foreign athletes are increasingly confused on @@NAME@@'s sport rules
The concept here is good: ban competitive incentives for tournaments, like money and fancy medals. Again, the execution needs work. "Ban competition itself" is poor phasing- are you banning Chess games in general? Chess prize money typically isn't all that great, mind you.

My advice for you is to just keep writing. You clearly have solid ideas, but you attempt to verbalize those ideas by stringing together a salad of tangentially related statements. Writing more issue drafts, short stories, anything really, will help you articulate your thoughts more smoothly and tighten your grip on the English language in general. What I'm saying here is that you definitely have potential, but you need to work at it.

Here's an example of how I would structure an issue like this. Read through it if you want to for the purposes of structure (it's not exactly related to your current premise):
Description
After losing tournaments year after year, the @@CAPITAL@@ Meats finally hit it big when a series of shocking victories carried them all the way to winning the @@NAME@@ National Baseball Cup. However, what should've been a celebrated moment in national sports history became truly unprecedented when a number of Meats players revealed that they sabotaged their opponents' bats in order to win.

Option 1
"This is despicable!" shouts baseball player @@RANDOMNAME@@ of the @@CAPITAL@@ Rankees, who lost the National Cup. "@@NAME@@ Pro Baseball is clearly either too incompetent or too corrupt to be trusted with the integrity of our nation's baseball tournaments. The government needs to take direct regulatory control over professional sports, and turn cheating into a federal crime!"

Effect: top sports teams are experiencing sudden losing streaks

Option 2
"Woah, I think you're hitting things a bit too hard here," says @@RANDOMNAME@@, head of @@NAME@@ Pro Baseball, adding up his earnings for the season. "Professional sports organizations have been trusted to regulate themselves ever since competitive sports became a thing, and this is the only incident of high-level cheating that has reached national attention! The offenders will be punished, I can guarantee you that. But the government needs to reaffirm its stance that professional sports can self-regulate just fine."

Effect: brick-shaped national athletes just do good stretches

Option 3
"This is a great opportunity to strike a win for every athlete, big or small," suggests social worker @@RANDOMNAME@@, taking down the credentials on your office wall and putting them in a burlap sack. "All that our ultra-competitive professional sports scene encourages is poor sportsmanship and toxicity. People should play sports for fun, before getting back to important stuff like competing for grades. Ban professional sports, and watch our nation prosper!"

Effect: children good at hopscotch are sent to counseling for being ultra-competitive

The North Pacific Vice Delegate
Author: 11 GA + 3 SC resolutions, 2 issues, and a lot of drafts

Killer of Stats
Assume OOC

"above the level of needing to be told how English works" - Candlewhisper Archive
"pure legalese" - Araraukar
"barrel of nonsense" - Tinhampton
"Just hurry up and declare a coup" - Honeydewistania
"a joke with no punchline" - Minskiev
"purge me daddy" - Praeceps
GA 496
GA 503 (1st in category)
GA 504
GA 509 (1st in category)
GA 510
GA 512
GA 520
GA 523
GA 527
GA 529
GA 530
GA 535*

SC 318
SC 331
SC 333

Issue 1427
Issue 1433

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Giovanniland
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Postby Giovanniland » Mon Jul 27, 2020 3:35 pm

Thanks for all the feedback, Cretox State! I've cut down on unnecessary sentences, and fixed some other suggestions you made. The tournament name Quatrefield Cup is a reference to the RL Sinquefield Cup, so I thought I could make some wordplay there.

Some concerns I have are about the effect line of option 2, because I couldn't find one interesting enough to replace previous ones, as well as if the issue is really better now - to be honest, I am unsure on this, so more feedback would be greatly appreciated.
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Daarwyrth
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Postby Daarwyrth » Tue Jul 28, 2020 11:41 am

However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ actually used a hidden electronic device to cheat.

Consider changing this to "However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ had actually been using a hidden electronic device to cheat".

2. "Why don't you let us handle it?" questions the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "We have operated our own tournament matters for decades already, and this is the first time a cheater managed to win the Quatrefield Cup. I can assure you any wrongdoers will be banned from our future tournaments, but the only thing we ask is to maintain autonomy in our decisions."


I feel this option line could be a little sharper and perhaps have some humour in it. Maybe add something about measures they could be implementing to stop cheaters in the future, something ridiculous like shock collars that go off if they catch the player doing something funny.

Giovanniland wrote:Some concerns I have are about the effect line of option 2


Well, if you implement the line about anti-cheating shock collars, the effect line could be "cheaters always look so shocked when they're caught"
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Giovanniland
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Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Giovanniland » Tue Jul 28, 2020 1:01 pm

Daarwyrth wrote:
However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ actually used a hidden electronic device to cheat.

Consider changing this to "However, it was recently discovered that @@HE@@ had actually been using a hidden electronic device to cheat".

2. "Why don't you let us handle it?" questions the @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Chess Committee's president. "We have operated our own tournament matters for decades already, and this is the first time a cheater managed to win the Quatrefield Cup. I can assure you any wrongdoers will be banned from our future tournaments, but the only thing we ask is to maintain autonomy in our decisions."


I feel this option line could be a little sharper and perhaps have some humour in it. Maybe add something about measures they could be implementing to stop cheaters in the future, something ridiculous like shock collars that go off if they catch the player doing something funny.

Giovanniland wrote:Some concerns I have are about the effect line of option 2


Well, if you implement the line about anti-cheating shock collars, the effect line could be "cheaters always look so shocked when they're caught"

Thanks for all the suggestions! The anti-cheating shock collars are an interesting thing to add. I've also changed the title as you've suggested offsite.
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Postby Trotterdam » Tue Jul 28, 2020 2:50 pm

Is seems unlikely that the chess organization would be arguing for keeping it an internal affair. They're the ones losing money to cheaters. It's the courts who might want to dismiss it as "not worth our time".

Also, shock collars are silly. The entire point is that it's hard to detect when people cheat, not that it's hard to punish them when they do.

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