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[DRAFT] Lilliputia hiring Hitmen now?

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World Web
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Founded: May 02, 2020
Compulsory Consumerist State

[DRAFT] Lilliputia hiring Hitmen now?

Postby World Web » Fri Jun 26, 2020 11:48 pm

[title]

[desc] A Lilliputian nationalist has been captured by @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Soldiers and after being integrated he revealed that the Lilliputian government has been offering bounties for each @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ killed.

[option]"@@LEADER@@, we simply cannot just ignore this”, shouts your Minister of Defence,"We must put a embargo on Lilliputia as soon as possible, if we don’t take action, who knows what will those Lilliputians do next!”

[effect]diplomacy is always the answer in @@NATION@@!

[option] One of your older generals slams the Minister of Defence to the ground and he then turns to you and asks, "Do you really think that this will stop em’ Lilliputians?”. He then proceeds to pick up a map of Lilliputia, "I say that we launch an attack on Lilliputia and show them who’s boss!”

[effect]violence is always the answer in @@NATION@@!

[option] The caputured Lilliputian nationalist squeezes past your security guards and begins to talk, "Look, I understand why you might be mad but look at what they gave me”, he then takes out a gold watch from his pocket and begins to admire it, "If you give me 2 golden watches I would be happy to kill some Lilliputian solders for you, and my excuse could me that they are not real Lilliputians or-“. Before he could finish his sentence, security guards tackle him and take him away.

[effect] a big part of the military budget goes to buying gold watches for terrorists.





This is my first time writing a issue so could you please give me a good title and a good punchline on the effect of the first choice.
Last edited by World Web on Fri Jul 03, 2020 2:11 am, edited 6 times in total.

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Australian rePublic
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Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Sat Jun 27, 2020 2:35 am

Why is the Lilliputian government paying people to capture denonym?
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World Web
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Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Sat Jun 27, 2020 4:31 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Why is the Lilliputian government paying people to capture denonym?


To avoid a direct conflict with the nation.

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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Sat Jun 27, 2020 5:08 pm

Effect lines are not capitalized and do not end in punctuation.
Authorship - Things I've written!

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World Web
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Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Sat Jun 27, 2020 9:58 pm

Westinor wrote:Effect lines are not capitalized and do not end in punctuation.


Thanks for the feedback, I will change it now.

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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Sat Jun 27, 2020 10:15 pm

World Web wrote:
Westinor wrote:Effect lines are not capitalized and do not end in punctuation.


Thanks for the feedback, I will change it now.


Also, try not to use @@NAME@@ in effect lines - it leads to confusing sentences, like so:

Following new legislation in Westinor, Westinor invades any nation that speaks against them.

And the beginning of effect lines should not be capitalised.
Authorship - Things I've written!

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World Web
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Postby World Web » Sat Jun 27, 2020 10:40 pm

Westinor wrote:
World Web wrote:
Thanks for the feedback, I will change it now.


Also, try not to use @@NAME@@ in effect lines - it leads to confusing sentences, like so:

Following new legislation in Westinor, Westinor invades any nation that speaks against them.

And the beginning of effect lines should not be capitalised.


Is it better now? Also what’s a good idea for a title?

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World Web
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Postby World Web » Mon Jun 29, 2020 10:11 pm

bump

Still need a name lol

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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jun 29, 2020 10:24 pm

Once more there should not be an exclamation mark at the end of your first effect line.

A Lilliputian nationalist terrorist group member has been captured by @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Soldiers and after being integrated he admitted that the Lilliputian government has been giving bounties on @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Soldiers. Officials have called you to brief you on what to do.


First off, you're in need of a little bit of help in your description.

"A Lilliputian nationalist terrorist (is group member really needed here?) has been captured by @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ soldiers, and after being (interrogated, I presume?), he revealed that the Lilliputian government has been offering bounties for each @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ killed. (Not so sure it needs to be soldiers, but if so, go right ahead and add that back in). You don't need the next sentence, as it only serves as a redundant reminder of what is going on in the rest of the issue.

Similar grammar issues are scattered around the issue, especially regarding tense - I'll try to get to them later, but you should try and seek them out. Also, looking at your options really quickly, I'm finding that both of your core options are very thin (especially option 1) in content and need a bit more work - option 2 can work but needs to be portrayed as a more extreme choice (seeing as irl countries tend not to attack unprovoked, and though this is provocation of a sort there has been no actual action taken, so diplomatic attempt would likely be made first, though again, NS often makes attacking countries less of an international squabble than it actually is so there's that) and option 3 is a nice whack at a wacky option but you need to take care of the first two first.
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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Tue Jun 30, 2020 5:17 am

World Web wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Why is the Lilliputian government paying people to capture denonym?


To avoid a direct conflict with the nation.

Which answers nothing
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
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World Web
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Founded: May 02, 2020
Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:10 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:
World Web wrote:
To avoid a direct conflict with the nation.

Which answers nothing


Lillputia hates the nation but doesn’t want a direct conflict with the nation.

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World Web
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Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Tue Jun 30, 2020 10:14 pm

Westinor wrote:Once more there should not be an exclamation mark at the end of your first effect line.

A Lilliputian nationalist terrorist group member has been captured by @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Soldiers and after being integrated he admitted that the Lilliputian government has been giving bounties on @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ Soldiers. Officials have called you to brief you on what to do.


First off, you're in need of a little bit of help in your description.

"A Lilliputian nationalist terrorist (is group member really needed here?) has been captured by @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ soldiers, and after being (interrogated, I presume?), he revealed that the Lilliputian government has been offering bounties for each @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ killed. (Not so sure it needs to be soldiers, but if so, go right ahead and add that back in). You don't need the next sentence, as it only serves as a redundant reminder of what is going on in the rest of the issue.

Similar grammar issues are scattered around the issue, especially regarding tense - I'll try to get to them later, but you should try and seek them out. Also, looking at your options really quickly, I'm finding that both of your core options are very thin (especially option 1) in content and need a bit more work - option 2 can work but needs to be portrayed as a more extreme choice (seeing as irl countries tend not to attack unprovoked, and though this is provocation of a sort there has been no actual action taken, so diplomatic attempt would likely be made first, though again, NS often makes attacking countries less of an international squabble than it actually is so there's that) and option 3 is a nice whack at a wacky option but you need to take care of the first two first.


Thanks this really helped!

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World Web
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Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Mon Jul 06, 2020 9:57 pm

Anything else before I submit it?

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Westinor
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Liberal Democratic Socialists

Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:02 pm

There are still exclamation marks at the end of your effect lines
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Authoritaria-Imperia
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Anarchy

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:42 pm

World Web wrote:Anything else before I submit it?
Please don't submit this yet; it's simply not ready. Be prepared to draft for several more weeks at least — Issues-writing is a long process.

I suggest you use an online programme to work through spelling/grammar errors, as there are quite a few mistakes right now. Beefing up your options with humour/content is a good idea too; as present they're extremely short. And as Westinor has said, please do not end your effect lines with any punctuation at all.
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:42 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Candlewhisper Archive
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Tue Jul 07, 2020 4:46 am

If someone asks you to clarify something within the story, then the clarification should take place within the story itself.

As Aussie says, why is this happening?

Have your issue's text give the answer.
editors like linguistic ambiguity more than most people

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World Web
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Founded: May 02, 2020
Compulsory Consumerist State

Postby World Web » Tue Jul 07, 2020 11:50 pm

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:If someone asks you to clarify something within the story, then the clarification should take place within the story itself.

As Aussie says, why is this happening?

Have your issue's text give the answer.
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
World Web wrote:Anything else before I submit it?
Please don't submit this yet; it's simply not ready. Be prepared to draft for several more weeks at least — Issues-writing is a long process.

I suggest you use an online programme to work through spelling/grammar errors, as there are quite a few mistakes right now. Beefing up your options with humour/content is a good idea too; as present they're extremely short. And as Westinor has said, please do not end your effect lines with any punctuation at all.



Thank you both!


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