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[DRAFT] Crossing the Line

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Westinor
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[DRAFT] Crossing the Line

Postby Westinor » Mon Jun 15, 2020 10:02 am

[title] Crossing the Line

[desc] This morning a group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ hunters chased a flock of geese across the Brancalandian border. Alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the hunters. Startled in turn by the shotgun-bearing farmers running at them, the hunters resisted, and the situation quickly escalated with the ranchers surrounding and confining the hunters after a brief shootout. Outraged, the Brancalandian Prime Minister has called on you to get a hold of your citizens and stop the situation from spiraling out of control.
[validity] Has guns, hunting, no Autarky(op. 2)

[option] "@@LEADER@@, I present Operation Maple Extract." says Deputy Security Advisor @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ slides you a file covered in a sticky substance. "We'll deploy two Black @@ANIMAL@@ helicopters to withdraw the hunters under the cover of night. No countryside syrup-sucker'd dare shoot at a chopper. As for potential political ramifications... Well, that's what we have a diplomacy department for, right?"
[effect] @@LEADER@@ is often seen speaking softly and carrying a large can of maple syrup

[option] "What? No! We need to teach these idiot Brancalandians a lesson!" exclaims your brother as he breaks free from the several officials trying to hold him down. "These Brancalandians are trapping our people for no good reason, and their stupid whiny voices just make me want to pummel them into the ground! We need to send in the military to retrieve these patriots — and who knows, maybe the boys'll get some target practice on the way in. That'll teach those syrup sucking yokels..." He grins wildly while your Minister of Diplomacy cries in the corner.
[effect] @@LEADER@@ haphazardly declares war on the nation's neighbors

[option] "What the hell is wrong with you people?" rages the Brancalandian ambassador as he barges into the room. "Sorry, my temper tends to flare in stressful situations. Seriously though — I'm sure this was all a misunderstanding, but these people are here illegally! I'm sorry, but we can't just let them shoot at us and get away with it — you need to tell these people to put down their arms, and allow our law enforcement to arrest them. What kind of blithering idiot doesn't know where the border is anyway? Sorry, that was my temper again."
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ captured by foreign terrorist regimes can expect no help from their government


Draft 3 Below! Added an option

[title] Crossing the Line

[desc] This morning, a group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ hunters chased a flock of geese across the Brancalandian border. Alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the men. However, the hunters resisted, and the situation quickly escalated with the ranchers surrounding and confining the hunters after a brief shootout. Outraged, the Brancalandian Prime Minister has called on you to get a hold of your citizens and stop the situation from spiraling out of control.
[validity] Has guns, hunting, no Autarky(op. 2)

[option] "We will not surrender!" growls @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the hunters, over a secure line. "We told those farmers we'd return to @@NAME@@, but some geese landed on a nearby barn, so we took some final potshots. Then outta' nowhere they shot one of our guys! @@LEADER@@, he's bleeding out here — we need help as quickly as possible. Tanks, soldiers, anything — send the entire military, damn it! We won't back down without a fight!"
[effect] the navy is deployed to assist drowning beachgoers abroad

[option] "What the hell is wrong with you people?" rages the Brancalandian ambassador as he barges into the room. "Sorry, my temper tends to flare in stressful situations. Seriously though — I'm sure this was all a misunderstanding, but these people are here illegally! I'm sorry, but we can't just let them shoot at us and get away with it — you need to tell these people to put down their arms, and allow our law enforcement to arrest them. What kind of blithering idiot doesn't know where the border is anyway? Sorry, that was my temper again."
[effect] @@DEMONYMPLURAL@@ captured by foreign terrorist regimes can expect no help from their government



Draft 2 below! Rewrote the issue a bit, changed option one and removed option four.

[title] Crossing the Line

[desc] This morning, a group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ hunters chased a flock of geese across the Brancalandian border. Rather alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, some local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the men. However, the hunters refused to surrender, forcing the Brancalandians to surround the armed hunters and confine them. Fearing a national security crisis, your generals have outlined an operation to retrieve the trapped hunters.
[validity] Has guns, hunting, no Autarky(op. 3)

[option] "@@LEADER@@, here is Operation Maple Strike — title still pending." briefs General @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ hands you a thick folder half covered in what seems to be syrup. "Our agents will disguise themselves as local ranchers, in order to get a taste of the situation. Once we have a clear idea of the position and status of the hunters, we will perform a HALO jump and retrieve our citizens from the clutches of those syrup-sucking yokels."
[effect] the entire military is deployed to retrieve citizens in distress abroad

[option] "Aha! Here's an idea!" exclaims Secretary of Commerce @@RANDOMNAME@@, who appears to be selling all of @@HIS@@ maple syrup stocks. "We should threaten tariffs on beef, syrup, and every agricultural Brancalandian export if they don't back off. Those ranchers are dependent on trade with us, and if they've got any sense they'll back off. All we need is a helicopter and a megaphone..."
[effect] immigrant Brancalandians in @@NAME@@ weep in despair as maple syrup prices skyrocket

[option] "What's our beef with Brancaland?" cries Minister of Diplomacy @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ attempts to call several foreign officials at once. "This situation calls for diplomatic partnerships with Brancaland — we have to work with them in order to stop this situation from spiraling out of control! *@@LEADER@@, give the Brancalandian Prime Minister a call — violence breeds violence, give peace a chance! Oh, is the ambassador here? Yes, send him in..."
[effect] when in international hostage situations @@LEADER@@ always asks nicely

[option] "This is an outrage!" angrily stutters Brancalandian Ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is half the height of everyone in the room and is visibly shaking. "W-we demand that y-you apologize i-immediately, and c-compensate us with a f-favorable economic t-trade deal, or s-something.” @@HIS@@ phone begins to ring, and @@HE@@ picks up. “Y-yes mum, I t-tried being m-mean. I t-think it worked!"
[effect] @@LEADER@@ is constantly portrayed as being bullied in political cartoons


Draft 1 Below! Switched the order of two and three for coherency and changed some wording to make it sort of make sense

[title] Crossing the Line

[desc] This morning, a group of @@DEMONYMADJECTIVE@@ hunters chased a flock of geese across the Brancalandian border. Rather alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, some local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the men. However, the hunters resisted, forcing the Brancalandians to surround the armed hunters into an enclosed space. Fearing a national security crisis, your generals have outlined an operation to retrieve the trapped hunters.
[validity] Has guns, hunting, no Autarky(op. 3)

[option] "@@LEADER@@, here is Operation Maple Strike — title still pending." briefs General @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ hands you a thick folder half covered in what seems to be syrup. "Our agents will disguise themselves as local ranchers, in order to get a taste of the situation. Once we have a clear idea of the position and status of the hunters, we will perform a HALO jump and retrieve the hunters. No Brancalandian rancher stands a chance against our highly-trained, elite soldiers."
[effect] @@NAME@@ sends the entire military to retrieve citizens in distress abroad

[option] "What's our beef with Brancaland?" cries Minister of Diplomacy @@RANDOMNAME@@ as @@HE@@ tries in vain to block the General from handing the folder off. "This situation calls for diplomatic partnerships with Brancaland — we have to work with them in order to stop this situation from spiraling out of control! @@LEADER@@, give the Brancalandian Prime Minister a call — violence breeds violence, give peace a chance!"
[effect] when in international hostage situations @@LEADER@@ always asks nicely

[option] "Aha! The minister proposes an excellent point!" exclaims Secretary of Commerce @@RANDOMNAME@@, who appears to be selling all of @@HIS@@ maple syrup stocks. "We should threaten tariffs on beef, syrup, and every agricultural Brancalandian export if those ranchers don't back off! Their economy is dependent on trade with us, and everyone knows Brancalandians are just a bunch of pushovers anyway."
[effect] immigrant Brancalandians in @@NAME@@ weep in despair as maple syrup prices skyrocket

[option] "Brancalandians a-are not pushovers!" angrily stutters Brancalandian Ambassador @@RANDOMNAME@@, who is half the height of everyone in the room and is visibly shaking. "W-we demand that y-you apologize i-immediately, and c-compensate us with a f-favorable economic t-trade deal, or s-something.” @@HIS@@ phone begins to ring, and @@HE@@ picks up. “Y-yes mum, I t-tried being m-mean. I t-think it worked!"
[effect] @@NAME@@ is at the bottom of the international food chain
Last edited by Westinor on Mon Jul 20, 2020 7:33 pm, edited 29 times in total.
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Trotterdam
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Postby Trotterdam » Mon Jun 15, 2020 2:40 pm

So these people illegally crossed the border and then resisted arrest with possibly lethal force? Why shouldn't we let Brancaland arrest them?

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Postby Australian rePublic » Mon Jun 15, 2020 4:51 pm

Can we assume that Brancaland borders nation?

Trotterdam wrote:So these people illegally crossed the border and then resisted arrest with possibly lethal force? Why shouldn't we let Brancaland arrest them?

This
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Westinor
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jun 15, 2020 8:51 pm

Changed it to a conflict between citizens - is that alright, since there's no legal force behind it?
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Postby Ko-oren » Tue Jun 16, 2020 6:29 am

Just read it for the first time, and the issue is coherent even now it's about a conflict between citizens. Option 3 is a little out of place in the way it's phrased: why threaten with tariffs before having tried a diplomatic route? At this point, the other government might not even know what's going on and whether they're in the wrong, so getting 'tariffed' out of the blue is what the proposal currently is.

I also don't really get why the autarky policy comes into play.

For the rest, it's well written, funny, and the options are balanced/realistic.
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Postby Westinor » Tue Jun 16, 2020 10:19 am

Ko-oren wrote:Just read it for the first time, and the issue is coherent even now it's about a conflict between citizens. Option 3 is a little out of place in the way it's phrased: why threaten with tariffs before having tried a diplomatic route? At this point, the other government might not even know what's going on and whether they're in the wrong, so getting 'tariffed' out of the blue is what the proposal currently is.

I also don't really get why the autarky policy comes into play.

For the rest, it's well written, funny, and the options are balanced/realistic.


I've switched options two and three to hopefully make it more coherent and sensible. A few word changes too, hopefully it makes sense. Thanks!
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Postby SherpDaWerp » Wed Jun 17, 2020 3:35 am

Westinor wrote:Changed it to a conflict between citizens - is that alright, since there's no legal force behind it?
I'm still with Trott - if my citizens have unlawfully crossed the border to hunt geese, then that's their problem. Citizen's arrest or no, they should just lay down their weapons, explain the situation, and sort it out without government intervention. It's also a bit odd for @@LEADER@@ to have found out about such an incident without Brancaland having sent law enforcement first. How would I find out before the Brancalandian authorities do?

Effect lines for 1 and 4 need to not have a @@NAME@@ macro at the start - as-is they'll be formatted like
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Postby Pythaga » Wed Jun 17, 2020 1:07 pm

From the description:
forcing the Brancalandians to surround the armed hunters into an enclosed space.


This sentence doesn't make sense. I'd recommend changing it to "forcing the Brancalandians to surround the armed hunters and confine them."


In the first and second options the wording is a little awkward.
Option 1 wrote:Once we have a clear idea of the position and status of the hunters, we will perform a HALO jump and retrieve the hunters.


Repeating 'hunters' twice here doesn't sound very natural. Maybe replace the second occurrence with "and retrieve our citizens from the clutches of those syrup-sucking yokels."

Option 2 wrote:if those ranchers don't back off. Those ranchers are dependent on trade with us,


Same sort of thing here, repeating 'ranchers'. I'd replace the second 'Those ranchers' with 'They' instead.


Also, take into account what Trotterdam and SherpDaWerp have said. The idea is probably still workable, but you'll have to do some re-writing to address what they've brought up.

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Postby Westinor » Wed Jun 17, 2020 2:26 pm

Yeah, that's a good point. I'm still trying to figure out how to rewrite it. Thanks though, really appreciate it guys!

EDIT:Rewritten it a bit, let me know what you think!
Last edited by Westinor on Wed Jun 17, 2020 2:54 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:00 pm

Edited description and options 1 and 2 a fair bit.
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Postby Westinor » Tue Jun 30, 2020 1:46 pm

Went back and redid the phrasing of the description. Going to try and submit this soon, if no one has any objections/larger feedback to give.
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Postby Westinor » Sun Jul 05, 2020 9:04 pm

Moving this up to Last call!
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:16 am

Whoops, hold up - I just realized there's probably a place for another option to hopefully again allow for the concerns brought up by people before, or steer the issue towards being do we help our citizens or not, and if we do then how. (moved back to draft)
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Postby Candensia » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:32 am

I feel option 1 isn't consistent with the description or itself. Are the hunters resisting or not?

In the description:

...Alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the men. However, the hunters resisted, and the situation quickly escalated with the ranchers surrounding and confining the hunters after a brief shootout...


Now let's look at option 1:

"We will not surrender!" growls @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the hunters, over a secure line. "We told those farmers very nicely that we’d walk right back over to our side of the border, and outta' nowhere they went and shot one of our guys! @@LEADER@@, he's bleeding out here — we need help as quickly as possible. Tanks, soldiers, anything — send the entire military, damn it! We won't back down without a fight!"


You can have the hunters admit to something plausibly perceived as resistance by the ranchers, whilst also not conceding their own position. Like maybe:

We told those farmers we'd return to @@NAME@@, but some geese landed on a nearby barn, so we took some final potshots. Then outta' nowhere they shot one of our guys!



Options 3 and 4 don't work for me. Option 3 seems irrelevant. A bunch of "syrup sucking yokels", especially those pointing guns at @@DEMONYM@@ intruders probably don't care about tariffs. Option 4 is redundant, because option 2 already is a peaceful solution. I'd snip out both Options 3 and 4, and go for a more traditional crazy option. Use your imagination :)
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:39 am

Candensia wrote:I feel option 1 isn't consistent with the description or itself. Are the hunters resisting or not?

In the description:

...Alarmed by the presence of a dozen men with rifles and disturbed from their daily syrup-ingesting contest, local Brancalandian ranchers attempted to apprehend the men. However, the hunters resisted, and the situation quickly escalated with the ranchers surrounding and confining the hunters after a brief shootout...


Now let's look at option 1:

"We will not surrender!" growls @@RANDOMNAME@@, one of the hunters, over a secure line. "We told those farmers very nicely that we’d walk right back over to our side of the border, and outta' nowhere they went and shot one of our guys! @@LEADER@@, he's bleeding out here — we need help as quickly as possible. Tanks, soldiers, anything — send the entire military, damn it! We won't back down without a fight!"


You can have the hunters admit to something plausibly perceived as resistance by the ranchers, whilst also not conceding their own position. Like maybe:

We told those farmers we'd return to @@NAME@@, but some geese landed on a nearby barn, so we took some final potshots. Then outta' nowhere they shot one of our guys!



Options 3 and 4 don't work for me. Option 3 seems irrelevant. A bunch of "syrup sucking yokels", especially those pointing guns at @@DEMONYM@@ intruders probably don't care about tariffs. Option 4 is redundant, because option 2 already is a peaceful solution. I'd snip out both Options 3 and 4, and go for a more traditional crazy option. Use your imagination :)


Ah that's a good point! Deleted options 3 and 4, getting to work on another crazy option, and edited option 1 to fit your suggestion. Thank you! :D
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 06, 2020 11:50 am

I've added an extra option - does it distinguish enough from the first one? It is a full on invasion, but I could see it feeling a bit like the retrieval force in option 1
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Postby Westinor » Tue Jul 14, 2020 1:30 pm

Going to see if I can look to submit this soon. Feedback would be appreciated!
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Postby Westinor » Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:05 pm

Whoops, just realized the formatting was off :p

Fixed up a few minor wording errors I felt needed fixing, but otherwise going to move this up to last call tomorrow if there aren't any major problems!
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Postby Minskiev » Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:14 pm

Now, this is EXTREMELY petty, but it should be Minister of Escalating Things, not Minister of Escalating things. Petty, I know, but hey, it’s correct.

Or, an alternative is a Minister of Escalation, that can double as an elevator and escalator enthusiast. Boom, comedy as well.
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Postby Westinor » Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:32 pm

Minskiev wrote:Now, this is EXTREMELY petty, but it should be Minister of Escalating Things, not Minister of Escalating things. Petty, I know, but hey, it’s correct.

Or, an alternative is a Minister of Escalation, that can double as an elevator and escalator enthusiast. Boom, comedy as well.


Fixed, though I wasn't sure where I'd add in the elevator/escalator part. Thanks!
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Postby Minskiev » Wed Jul 15, 2020 10:39 pm

Maybe “...exclaims @@RANDOMNAME@@, your Minister of Escalation and part time elevator enthusiast, as he breaks...”
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Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Fri Jul 17, 2020 1:27 am

Trotterdam wrote:So these people illegally crossed the border and then resisted arrest with possibly lethal force? Why shouldn't we let Brancaland arrest them?


This, still, I think.

Right now only Option 2 has any sort of reasonableness to it.

Maybe Option 1 could instead be a reasonable response that is around protecting our people?
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Postby Westinor » Fri Jul 17, 2020 8:45 am

Candlewhisper Archive wrote:
Trotterdam wrote:So these people illegally crossed the border and then resisted arrest with possibly lethal force? Why shouldn't we let Brancaland arrest them?


This, still, I think.

Right now only Option 2 has any sort of reasonableness to it.

Maybe Option 1 could instead be a reasonable response that is around protecting our people?


Ah, I see. I'll get to rewriting that. Thanks!

EDIT: Rewritten, hopefully it looks nicer this way.
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Postby Westinor » Mon Jul 20, 2020 4:10 pm

Removed option 3, and added option 1. The newer option is hopefully more specific. Option 2 is also hopefully a little bit funnier. Feedback/comments would be appreciated!
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Postby Fauxia » Mon Jul 20, 2020 7:16 pm

I know this is NS and we love declaring war for no reason - but isn’t it maybe a bit much to declare war on a country because your citizens entered said country illegally? Maybe their your responsibility to defend, but war on Brancaland for enforcing their own border? Really?
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