NATION

PASSWORD

[SUBMITTED] Can't with Ants

A place to spoil daily issues for those who haven't had them yet, snigger at typos, and discuss ideas for new ones.
User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

[SUBMITTED] Can't with Ants

Postby Dangine » Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:00 pm

Draft 12

Title: Can't with Ants
Validity: Valid for Everyone. Authoritaria-Imperia is co-author
Description: Facing the hottest summer on record, @@NAME@@ has been hit by an unprecedentedly massive swarm of Maxtopian Carpenter Ants, reportedly able to reduce a wooden cow to shavings in minutes. With the entire nation being ravaged by the pest — including your conference room, unfortunately — a meeting's being held by a shopping centre to discuss what to do.
Option 1: @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, a mother of 6, happens to notice what is taking place. "You have to do something! My children can't sleep at night because of these ants!" she says, visibly shaken. "You should pay exterminators to take care of them nationwide. We may have to pay more in taxes, and it may take a while, but we can't let those carpenter ants take our homes!" She sees an ant on a store display window and attempts to smash it by crashing her car into the wall. You all unanimously decide to continue the meeting in a different area, still near the shopping center.
Effect: swarms of exterminators invade homes by the hour

Option 2: When you finally get to a different location and continue discussing, @@RANDOMNAME@@, a @@MAN@@ in @@HIS@@ late 50s, cuts in. "What's the government doing now, huh? We don't need your nose where it doesn’t belong! " @@HE@@ gets uncomfortably close, @@HIS@@ big nose up against yours. "Plenty of us can handle this for ourselves! We shouldn't have to suffer even more; paying taxes for those that were unprepared." @@HE@@ looks at a notification on his phone and reads it aloud. "Hot single Bigtopians in your areal, damn, gotta go! "
Effect: buildings can hardly be seen behind solid walls of ants

Option 3: When you all start talking again, myrmecologist Antony @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ interrupts. "I get that these carpenter ants are causing problems, but this is a big chance to learn more about them, their ways can improve humanity. Put more government funding into my field and get me a small team to collect some of them, and send them to the labs! We can't collect all of them sadly, the majority of these ants you can leave to the exterminators. Please make sure the ones in the labs are treated kindly; they're living beings just like us!" Antony sees an ant carrying a crumb and follows it away.
Effect: lab ants are treated as first-class citizens

Option 4: "You know, that ant lover was on to something", says your military advisor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should study these ants for military use. We can deploy them to enemy nations, like Blackacre, and destroy their infrastructure. There may be some unfortunate collateral damage for civilians, but I say those Blackacreans DESERVE it! @@HE@@ starts laughing maniacally
Effect: @@DEMONYM@@ carpenter ants are notorious war criminals.

I know for sure I probably made some grammar mistakes, if you spot some please let me know.
Also, all feedback is of course welcomed, it doesn't only have to be grammar.
Last edited by Dangine on Thu Jul 09, 2020 6:56 pm, edited 14 times in total.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Antibuda
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 197
Founded: Apr 21, 2020
Democratic Socialists

Postby Antibuda » Fri Jun 05, 2020 7:06 pm

Cant you all see this is violets doing?

- "can't" and "Violets"
She says visibly shaken

- add a comma after "says"
She sees an ant on a wall of a store and gets into her car and runs through it.

- change to "She sees an ant on a wall of a store, gets into her car, and runs through it."
What the government doing now huh, we don't need your nose where it doesn’t belong!

- add "is" after "what"
Damn gotta go!

- decapitalize "damn"
That's all I could find for now.
Factbooks coming never!
ns stats are illegal

A 21.6 civilization, according to this index.
Antibuda wrote:Monkey 4114 decided to wear an Ice Age baby costume in February.

Liriena wrote:Make California three times bigger to intimidate its neighbours into submission.

On a potential Trump movie:
Kronica wrote:Annoying Orange: The Movie
Population isn't used.
I mean, how do you think we would cram 200 mil+ people
into an island the size of Puerto Rico?
didn't mean to get daily referendums
idk how we did
deleted pride flag
it was bad
LeftValues: Centrist Marxist

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Fri Jun 05, 2020 9:49 pm

Antibuda wrote:
Cant you all see this is violets doing?

- "can't" and "Violets"
She says visibly shaken

- add a comma after "says"
She sees an ant on a wall of a store and gets into her car and runs through it.

- change to "She sees an ant on a wall of a store, gets into her car, and runs through it."
What the government doing now huh, we don't need your nose where it doesn’t belong!

- add "is" after "what"
Damn gotta go!

- decapitalize "damn"
That's all I could find for now.

Thanks a ton! Fixed.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Tinhampton
Negotiator
 
Posts: 6887
Founded: Oct 05, 2016
Anarchy

Postby Tinhampton » Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:15 pm

The @@RANDOMNAME@@ macro exists. Also, you've misspelled [DRAFT]. I may offer more detailed grumpings later.
Last edited by Tinhampton on Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The Self-Administrative City of TINHAMPTON (pop. 319,372): Saffron Howard, Mayor (UCP) ~ Alexander Smith, WA Delegate-Ambassador
World Assembly Delegate of Auctor * 73rd Cup of Harmony winners * Queen Yuno did nothing wrong

Security Council:
A: SC#250 "Repeal "Liberate Femdom Empire"" (87%)
A: SC#251 "Commend Alasdair I Frosticus" (91%)
A: SC#267 "Repeal "Liberate The East Pacific"" (90%)

General Assembly:
A: GA#484 "Disease Naming Compact" (54%)
C: GA#491 "Rights of the employed" (54%)

Issues:
C: Issue #1115 "One in the Arm for @@LEADER@@?"
Quoth RiderSyl: "If an enchantress made it so one raid could bring about world peace, Unibot would ask raiders to just sign a petition instead."

User avatar
Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 20467
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jun 05, 2020 10:38 pm

What do you want the government to do about this?
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
17 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution
This account is fictious. Any In-Character posts made by this account do not reflect the actions of any real world government

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Sat Jun 06, 2020 3:45 pm

Tinhampton wrote:The @@RANDOMNAME@@ macro exists. Also, you've misspelled [DRAFT]. I may offer more detailed grumpings later.

I didn't want to use it at first as you have to use the @@HIS@@/@@HE@@/@@HIM@@ marco afterwords for options 1 and 2. However, using @@RANDOMNAME@@ does look more professional. Correct me if I'm wrong but if I use @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@ or @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@, I don't have to use the @@HIS@@/@@HE@@/@@HIM@@ marco as the name is already the name for the appropriate gender.
Australian rePublic wrote:What do you want the government to do about this?

I am between the first and third option. I also edited it to made it more clear what the government would be doing in each option.
Last edited by Dangine on Sun Jun 07, 2020 12:43 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Sun Jun 07, 2020 12:56 pm

Anyone else got any input?
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Authoritaria-Imperia
Envoy
 
Posts: 245
Founded: Nov 06, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Sun Jun 07, 2020 9:07 pm

Dangine wrote:Anyone else got any input?
Give it a while. Issues may draft for several weeks or longer — one of mine was around for two months before submission! I'm working on feedback for you now; I'll get it to you in a couple days (it's kind of a lot).
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Sun Jun 07, 2020 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Thanks to all the first responders working to fight off this pandemic! Folks, you can make a donation here.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Sun Jun 07, 2020 10:22 pm

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:
Dangine wrote:Anyone else got any input?
Give it a while. Issues may draft for several weeks or longer — one of mine was around for two months before submission! I'm working on feedback for you now; I'll get it to you in a couple days (it's kind of a lot).

Thanks for the info!
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Candensia
Diplomat
 
Posts: 693
Founded: Apr 20, 2017
Left-Leaning College State

Postby Candensia » Mon Jun 08, 2020 12:28 pm

Is there an IRL basis for the premise?
The Free Joy State wrote:Time spent working on writing skills -- even if the draft doesn't work -- is never wasted.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Mon Jun 08, 2020 1:47 pm

Candensia wrote:Is there an IRL basis for the premise?

Not exactly for this exact situation where it becomes this big of a problem. However, carpenter ants do not like hot weather and humidity, and they are attracted to moisture in homes. I will mention the weather being hotter than usual. It's also not hard to imagine global warming causing a big increase in humidity, making carpenter ants move into houses more, I could mention that but I'm not sure if I should.
Last edited by Dangine on Mon Jun 08, 2020 4:44 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Authoritaria-Imperia
Envoy
 
Posts: 245
Founded: Nov 06, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Tue Jun 09, 2020 11:03 am

Your feedback, as promised:
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but it feels like English isn't your native language. There're a number of spelling mistakes and sentences suffering from awkward wording. Let's start with this:
Dangine wrote:Description: A large native carpenter ant problem has arrived, with a big increase of them being in households and buildings, causing them to be damaged, and in some cases, beyond repair. The problem is finally being addressed due to the government not being able to function, due to the government buildings being so badly damaged. Because of this, you are having a meeting outside, near a shopping center, with government officials.
First of all, why are the ants native? Surely if they're from @@NAME@@, then people have dealt with these infestations for years now? I suggest making it a foreign species, since that makes this more of an unusual issue (but if you do this, focus on the ants to avoid overlap with Issue #355). And then — what are you actually saying currently?
  1. An infestation of carpenter ants are damaging buildings.
  2. … including government buildings.
  3. It's hot out.
  4. You're outside.
Only #1 is needed (maybe #4 too), and while #3 works as a supplement, it's phrased confusingly. Try organising your sentences more clearly, e.g.
You're welcome to use this example that I wrote:Facing the hottest summer on record, @@NAME@@ has been hit by an unprecedentedly massive swarm of Maxtopian Carpenter Ants, reportedly able to reduce a wooden cow to shavings in minutes. With the entire nation being ravaged by the pest — including your conference room, unfortunately — a meeting's being held by a shopping centre to discuss what to do.
(I just threw in the piranha reference because I liked it, but if you don't use it, it might be good to mention what's so bad about these ants — why they're a matter of national importance. By the way, you're welcome to use any of my example sentences if you want to.)

Now the options. Objective grammatical/spelling errors are in red, and subjective suggestions in blue. Asterisks** just draw attention to very small corrections. I realise I've made a lot of wording suggestions, and I'm not going to be offended if you don't take them. I do think they strengthen your issue considerably.
Dangine wrote:Option 1: A bystander named @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@,** who is a mother of 6, happens to notice what's taking place. "You have to do something! My children can'**t go to sleep at night because of these ants!" she says, visibly shaken. "You should pay exterminators to take care of them nationwide. We may have to pay more in taxes,** and it may take a while, but we can’t let those carpenters ants take our homes!" She sees an ant on a store display window and attempts to smash it by crashing her car into the wall. You all unanimously decide to continue the meeting in a different area, still near the shopping center.
Effect: being an exterminator is the toughest job in @@NAME@@
Good option, though the effect line is a little weak. Why is it so hard to be an exterminator? The option suggests there'd be a lot of them, not that the job would be especially difficult. What about "swarms of exterminators invade homes by the hour"?
Dangine wrote:Option 2: When you finally get to a different location and continue discussing, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, a man in his late 50s, cuts in. "What's the government doing now,** huh? We don't need your nose where it doesn’t belong!" He gets uncomfortably close, his big nose up against yours. "That would be a breach my privacy and violate my rights! If you want to do something good,** give us a tax break!" He then looks at a notification on his phone and reads it a**loud. "Hot single Bigtopians in your area  damn,** gotta go!"
Effect: carpenter ants are in your area
I personally think this options lacks a little substance. There's a lot of rhetoric, but nothing backing it up (e.g. "Plenty of us can handle this for ourselves! Why should we pay extra taxes for the folks who're badly-prepared?"). Not necessary, but I think it'd help. And the effect line, again, is a little lacking. I get the connection to the "single Bigtopians", but it doesn't quite land for me — of course, that's just my opinion. I'd suggest something where buildings can hardly be seen behind solid walls of ants.'Also, there’s no need to specify the person's gender here. Instead, use macros "@@MAN@@", "@@HE@@", "@@HIM@@", and "@@HIS@@", and they'll adapt to the gender of the last @@RANDOMNAME@@ used. But be careful: if you use one of those before the @@RANDOMNAME@@, you have to use "@@RANDOMNAME_1@@" instead, and "@@MAN_1@@", "@@HE_1@@", etc. so that the game code knows what pronouns are adapting to what. Same goes for your other options — no need to go with “they”. :)
Actually, it occurs to me you have a bit of an opportunity here; you could instead try coming up with all the first names yourself (then throw in @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ after each one) and making them all "ant" names. Like "Antoine", "Antony", "Antonio", "Antonin". :D)
Dangine wrote:Option 3: When you all start talking again, myrmecologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, a Myrmecologist interrupts. "You can’t harm ants!** They're amazing creatures, even if they are carpenter ants causing damage to buildings..." They then get briefly distracted as they see an carpenter ant coming out of a hole in the wall. "As I was saying, you should also put more government funding into the field of myrmecology so we can study these ants more — their society is better than ours. Get the government to collect them, and send them to the labs! It may cost more than simply just killing them, but think of all the benefits we '**ll get by learning more about these amazing creatures!" They then see an ant carrying a crumb and follow it away.
Effect: ants are treated like first-class citizens
Is this person suggesting that all ants be caught and observed? (If not, I'd make if clearer.) What's the point of having that many ants to study? I think if you want to approach it from the "crazy-option" style, you should focus a little less on scientific advancement and more on the "they don't deserve to die!" side of things. Also, the next two options are sidling into "crazy-option" territory as well, so if you don't want to make one a bit more realistic, I'd drop two and keep one. Additionally, your effect line doesn't quite land again — I get that the speaker really likes ants, but that's not part of their suggestion. All they say is that ants should be studied intensively. This is something that could be fixed on either end — you could add something in the option about "please treat them kindly; they're living beings just like us" or you could rewrite the effect line based on what you already have.
Dangine wrote:Option 4: Just when you finally think the interruptions are over withand start to continue the meeting,** a Priest of the Order of Violet shows up. "Are you all blind? Can't you all see this is Violet'**s doing? You need to mandate that Violet should be worshiped by all, then the problem will go away!" They see you looking at them confused, then pull out a water gun filled with holl**y water and start shooting at you. "The power of Violet compels you! The power of Violet compels you! The power of..." They then stop as they realize you're not amused.
Effect: a priest is called whenever there's an ant infestation.**
Validity: Atheism
That comment at the end there ("you're not amused") may be a breach of player autonomy; you're not supposed to talk about how the player thinks or feels, and some leaders might find that incredibly amusing. But on a bigger scale than that, I don't think this option is needed. It's quite generic — I can imagine it stitched on to the end of hundreds of issues. There's not even a mention of ants! So I think the issue is stronger without this option; you're other crazy options are more creative anyway.
(If you do decide to keep it, please note that your validity should make this invalid for nations with the "Atheism" policy, not only valid for them.)
Dangine wrote:Option 5: "You know, that ant lover was on to something", says your military advisor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should study these ants —** for our military use. We can even deploy them** to enemy nations and they can destroy their infrastructure. Some may find it inhumane, so what? WAR IS INHUMANE!" They then start laughing maniacally.
Effect: @@DEMONYM@@ carpenter ants are notorious war criminals.**
This is a pretty good crazy option. :) That last comment though — "Some may find it inhumane, but war is inhumane!" — doesn't quite come across for me. I get what you mean about it causing collateral damage to civilians, but I think it'd be clearer if you just said that — e.g. "There may be some unfortunate collateral damage for civilians, but I say those Blackacreans DESERVE it!"
Also be aware of extra spaces throughout the issue; there are a lot of them.

I hope I haven't swamped you here. :) I think your premise has promise, but the delivery, which is just as important, needs some work.
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Wed Jun 10, 2020 8:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Thanks to all the first responders working to fight off this pandemic! Folks, you can make a donation here.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Tue Jun 09, 2020 6:20 pm

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:Your feedback, as promised:
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but it feels like English isn't your native language. There're a number of spelling mistakes and sentences suffering from awkward wording. Let's start with this:
Dangine wrote:Description: A large native carpenter ant problem has arrived, with a big increase of them being in households and buildings, causing them to be damaged, and in some cases, beyond repair. The problem is finally being addressed due to the government not being able to function, due to the government buildings being so badly damaged. Because of this, you are having a meeting outside, near a shopping center, with government officials.
First of all, why are the ants native? Surely if they're from @@NAME@@, then people have dealt with these infestations for years now? I suggest making it a foreign species, since that makes this more of an unusual issue (but if you do this, focus on the ants to avoid overlap with Issue #355). And then — what are you actually saying currently?
  1. An infestation of carpenter ants are damaging buildings.
  2. … including government buildings.
  3. It's hot out.
  4. You're outside.
Only #1 is needed (maybe #4 too), and while #3 works as a supplement, it's phrased confusingly. Try organising your sentences more clearly, e.g.
You're welcome to use this example that I wrote:Facing the hottest summer on record, @@NAME@@ has been hit by an unprecedentedly massive swarm of Maxtopian Carpenter Ants, reportedly able to reduce a wooden cow to shavings in minutes. With the entire nation being ravaged by the pest — including your conference room, unfortunately — a meeting's being held by a shopping centre to discuss what to do.
(I just threw in the piranha reference because I liked it, but if you don't use it, it might be good to mention what's so bad about these ants — why they're a matter of national importance. By the way, you're welcome to use any of my example sentences if you want to.)

Now the options. Objective grammatical/spelling errors are in red, and subjective suggestions in blue. Asterisks** just draw attention to very small corrections. I realise I've made a lot of wording suggestions, and I'm not going to be offended if you don't take them. I do think they strengthen your issue considerably.
Dangine wrote:Option 1: A bystander named @@RANDOMNAMEFEMALE@@,** who is a mother of 6, happens to notice what's taking place. "You have to do something! My children can'**t go to sleep at night because of these ants!" she says, visibly shaken. "You should pay exterminators to take care of them nationwide. We may have to pay more in taxes,** and it may take a while, but we can’t let those carpenters ants take our homes!" She sees an ant on a store display window and attempts to smash it by crashing her car into the wall. You all unanimously decide to continue the meeting in a different area, still near the shopping center.
Effect: being an exterminator is the toughest job in @@NAME@@
Good option, though the effect line is a little weak. Why is it so hard to be an exterminator? The option suggests there'd be a lot of them, not that the job would be especially difficult. What about "swarms of exterminators invade homes by the hour"?
Dangine wrote:Option 2: When you finally get to a different location and continue discussing, @@RANDOMNAMEMALE@@, a man in his late 50s, cuts in. "What's the government doing now,** huh? We don't need your nose where it doesn’t belong!" He gets uncomfortably close, his big nose up against yours. "That would be a breach my privacy and violate my rights! If you want to do something good,** give us a tax break!" He then looks at a notification on his phone and reads it a**loud. "Hot single Bigtopians in your area  damn,** gotta go!"
Effect: carpenter ants are in your area
I personally think this options lacks a little substance. There's a lot of rhetoric, but nothing backing it up (e.g. "Plenty of us can handle this for ourselves! Why should we pay extra taxes for the folks who're badly-prepared?"). Not necessary, but I think it'd help. And the effect line, again, is a little lacking. I get the connection to the "single Bigtopians", but it doesn't quite land for me — of course, that's just my opinion. I'd suggest something where buildings can hardly be seen behind solid walls of ants.'Also, there’s no need to specify the person's gender here. Instead, use macros "@@MAN@@", "@@HE@@", "@@HIM@@", and "@@HIS@@", and they'll adapt to the gender of the last @@RANDOMNAME@@ used. But be careful: if you use one of those before the @@RANDOMNAME@@, you have to use "@@RANDOMNAME_1@@" instead, and "@@MAN_1@@", "@@HE_1@@", etc. so that the game code knows what pronouns are adapting to what. Same goes for your other options — no need to go with “they”. :)
Actually, it occurs to me you have a bit of an opportunity here; you could instead try coming up with all the first names yourself (then throw in @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ after each one) and making them all "ant" names. Like "Antoine", "Antony", "Antonio", "Antonin". :D)
Dangine wrote:Option 3: When you all start talking again, myrmecologist @@RANDOMNAME@@, a Myrmecologist interrupts. "You can’t harm ants!** They're amazing creatures, even if they are carpenter ants causing damage to buildings..." They then get briefly distracted as they see an carpenter ant coming out of a hole in the wall. "As I was saying, you should also put more government funding into the field of myrmecology so we can study these ants more — their society is better than ours. Get the government to collect them, and send them to the labs! It may cost more than simply just killing them, but think of all the benefits we '**ll get by learning more about these amazing creatures!" They then see an ant carrying a crumb and follow it away.
Effect: ants are treated like first-class citizens
Is this person suggesting that all ants be caught and observed? (If not, I'd make if clearer.) What's the point of having that many ants to study? I think if you want to approach it from the "crazy-option" style, you should focus a little less on scientific advancement and more on the "they don't deserve to die!" side of things. Also, the next two options are sidling into "crazy-option" territory as well, so if you don't want to make one a bit more realistic, I'd drop two and keep one. Additionally, your effect line doesn't quite land again — I get that the speaker really likes ants, but that's not part of their suggestion. All they say is that ants should be studied intensively. This is something that could be fixed on either end — you could add something in the option about "please treat them kindly; they're living beings just like us" or you could rewrite the effect line based on what you already have.
Dangine wrote:Option 4: Just when you finally think the interruptions are over withand start to continue the meeting,** a Priest of the Order of Violet shows up. "Are you all blind? Can't you all see this is Violet'**s doing? You need to mandate that Violet should be worshiped by all, then the problem will go away!" They see you looking at them confused, then pull out a water gun filled with holl**y water and start shooting at you. "The power of Violet compels you! The power of Violet compels you! The power of..." They then stop as they realize you're not amused.
Effect: a priest is called whenever there's an ant infestation.**
Validity: Atheism
That comment at the end there ("you're not amused") may be a breach of player autonomy; you're not supposed to talk about how the player thinks or feels, and some leaders might find that incredibly amusing. But on a bigger scale than that, I don't think this option is needed. It's quite generic — I can imagine it stitched on to the end of hundreds of issues. There's not even a mention of ants! So I think the issue is stronger without this option; you're other crazy options are more creative anyway.
(If you do decide to keep it, please note that your validity should make this invalid for nations with the "Atheism" policy, not only valid for them.)
Dangine wrote:Option 5: "You know, that ant lover was on to something", says your military advisor @@RANDOMNAME@@. "We should study these ants —** for our military use. We can even deploy them** to enemy nations and they can destroy their infrastructure. Some may find it inhumane, so what? WAR IS INHUMANE!" They then start laughing maniacally.
Effect: @@DEMONYM@@ carpenter ants are notorious war criminals.**
This is a pretty good crazy option. :) That last comment though — "Some may find it inhumane, but war is inhumane!" — doesn't quite come across for me. I get what you mean about it causing collateral damage to civilians, but I think it'd be clearer if you just said that — e.g. "There may be some unfortunate collateral damage for civilians, but I say those Blackacreans DESERVE it!"
Also be aware of extra spaces throughout the issue; there are a lot of them.

I hope I haven't swamped you here. :) I think your premise has promise, but the delivery, which is just as important, needs some work.

Thanks so much for the feedback! :) I know there's such a thing as a co-author, I've seen an issue that had two authors. This feedback was extremely helpful and if I figure out how the co-author thing works, maybe I could give it to you on this issue.
English is my native language, I just happen to have dyslexia. Also, no offense taken, it amuses me when people think that about my English.
I will work on correcting the mistakes tomorrow, hopefully. It is close to night time where I live.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
SherpDaWerp
Diplomat
 
Posts: 653
Founded: Mar 02, 2016
New York Times Democracy

Postby SherpDaWerp » Tue Jun 09, 2020 7:00 pm

Dangine wrote:if I figure out how the co-author thing works

For co-authors, just put it in the "validity" field that there's a co-author and provide their name. The editors can see it in the validity and code in the co-authorship.
Issues Written | Join the Got Issues Discord | API Tools Made | My color is epic

User avatar
Authoritaria-Imperia
Envoy
 
Posts: 245
Founded: Nov 06, 2019
Civil Rights Lovefest

Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Wed Jun 10, 2020 8:06 pm

Dangine wrote:
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:Your feedback, as promised:
Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but it feels like English isn't your native language. There're a number of spelling mistakes and sentences suffering from awkward wording. Let's start with this:First of all, why are the ants native? Surely if they're from @@NAME@@, then people have dealt with these infestations for years now? I suggest making it a foreign species, since that makes this more of an unusual issue (but if you do this, focus on the ants to avoid overlap with Issue #355). And then — what are you actually saying currently?
  1. An infestation of carpenter ants are damaging buildings.
  2. … including government buildings.
  3. It's hot out.
  4. You're outside.
Only #1 is needed (maybe #4 too), and while #3 works as a supplement, it's phrased confusingly. Try organising your sentences more clearly, e.g.(I just threw in the piranha reference because I liked it, but if you don't use it, it might be good to mention what's so bad about these ants — why they're a matter of national importance. By the way, you're welcome to use any of my example sentences if you want to.)

Now the options. Objective grammatical/spelling errors are in red, and subjective suggestions in blue. Asterisks** just draw attention to very small corrections. I realise I've made a lot of wording suggestions, and I'm not going to be offended if you don't take them. I do think they strengthen your issue considerably.Good option, though the effect line is a little weak. Why is it so hard to be an exterminator? The option suggests there'd be a lot of them, not that the job would be especially difficult. What about "swarms of exterminators invade homes by the hour"?I personally think this options lacks a little substance. There's a lot of rhetoric, but nothing backing it up (e.g. "Plenty of us can handle this for ourselves! Why should we pay extra taxes for the folks who're badly-prepared?"). Not necessary, but I think it'd help. And the effect line, again, is a little lacking. I get the connection to the "single Bigtopians", but it doesn't quite land for me — of course, that's just my opinion. I'd suggest something where buildings can hardly be seen behind solid walls of ants.'Also, there’s no need to specify the person's gender here. Instead, use macros "@@MAN@@", "@@HE@@", "@@HIM@@", and "@@HIS@@", and they'll adapt to the gender of the last @@RANDOMNAME@@ used. But be careful: if you use one of those before the @@RANDOMNAME@@, you have to use "@@RANDOMNAME_1@@" instead, and "@@MAN_1@@", "@@HE_1@@", etc. so that the game code knows what pronouns are adapting to what. Same goes for your other options — no need to go with “they”. :)
Actually, it occurs to me you have a bit of an opportunity here; you could instead try coming up with all the first names yourself (then throw in @@RANDOMLASTNAME@@ after each one) and making them all "ant" names. Like "Antoine", "Antony", "Antonio", "Antonin". :D)Is this person suggesting that all ants be caught and observed? (If not, I'd make if clearer.) What's the point of having that many ants to study? I think if you want to approach it from the "crazy-option" style, you should focus a little less on scientific advancement and more on the "they don't deserve to die!" side of things. Also, the next two options are sidling into "crazy-option" territory as well, so if you don't want to make one a bit more realistic, I'd drop two and keep one. Additionally, your effect line doesn't quite land again — I get that the speaker really likes ants, but that's not part of their suggestion. All they say is that ants should be studied intensively. This is something that could be fixed on either end — you could add something in the option about "please treat them kindly; they're living beings just like us" or you could rewrite the effect line based on what you already have.That comment at the end there ("you're not amused") may be a breach of player autonomy; you're not supposed to talk about how the player thinks or feels, and some leaders might find that incredibly amusing. But on a bigger scale than that, I don't think this option is needed. It's quite generic — I can imagine it stitched on to the end of hundreds of issues. There's not even a mention of ants! So I think the issue is stronger without this option; you're other crazy options are more creative anyway.
(If you do decide to keep it, please note that your validity should make this invalid for nations with the "Atheism" policy, not only valid for them.)This is a pretty good crazy option. :) That last comment though — "Some may find it inhumane, but war is inhumane!" — doesn't quite come across for me. I get what you mean about it causing collateral damage to civilians, but I think it'd be clearer if you just said that — e.g. "There may be some unfortunate collateral damage for civilians, but I say those Blackacreans DESERVE it!"
Also be aware of extra spaces throughout the issue; there are a lot of them.

I hope I haven't swamped you here. :) I think your premise has promise, but the delivery, which is just as important, needs some work.

Thanks so much for the feedback! :) I know there's such a thing as a co-author, I've seen an issue that had two authors. This feedback was extremely helpful and if I figure out how the co-author thing works, maybe I could give it to you on this issue.
Wow, that's incredibly kind of you! I'd be honoured.
Dangine wrote:English is my native language, I just happen to have dyslexia. Also, no offense taken, it amuses me when people think that about my English.
Ah, sorry for assuming.
Thanks to all the first responders working to fight off this pandemic! Folks, you can make a donation here.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Wed Jun 10, 2020 9:09 pm

I finished doing the suggestions Authoritaria-Imperia made. I redid option 3, heavily on my own; it may need a grammar check.
Last edited by Dangine on Mon Jun 22, 2020 10:34 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Australian rePublic
Postmaster of the Fleet
 
Posts: 20467
Founded: Mar 18, 2013
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Australian rePublic » Fri Jun 12, 2020 5:04 am

Why is this an issue for a government, rather than an exterminator?
From Greek Ansestry Orthodox Christian
17 Published Issues and 1 WA Resolution
This account is fictious. Any In-Character posts made by this account do not reflect the actions of any real world government

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Fri Jun 12, 2020 7:35 pm

Australian rePublic wrote:Why is this an issue for a government, rather than an exterminator?

It's an unprecedented amount of carpenter ants, a lot of people would not be able to pay for the damage caused by them. It's a national crisis.
Edit: It also affects businesses, which is bad for the economy.
Last edited by Dangine on Fri Jun 12, 2020 8:12 pm, edited 2 times in total.
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Dangine
Envoy
 
Posts: 238
Founded: Nov 02, 2018
New York Times Democracy

Postby Dangine » Mon Jul 06, 2020 7:35 pm

It's been a while since anyone has given feedback.
Before I submit is there anything thing else?
Dangine is a Social Democratic nation that has a lot of political freedom and civil rights. This nation is mainly based on my political views, but sometimes a bit extremer. My nation is Socialist so I could get rid of the high number of unemployment, which worked. Thank you Brusseldorf for redesigning my flag. They did it without me asking and it looks beautiful.

User avatar
Drew Durrnil
Spokesperson
 
Posts: 127
Founded: Apr 30, 2020
Inoffensive Centrist Democracy

Postby Drew Durrnil » Mon Jul 06, 2020 7:39 pm

Split option 3 into option 3a and 3b, for capitalist nations (option 3a), say "put some government funding", for socialist nations (option 3b), say "put more government funding".
A Shark Republic

My Factbook

The Durrnilian Bureau of Police has issued an arrest warrant on President Trump


Advertisement

Remove ads

Return to Got Issues?

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Westinor

Advertisement

Remove ads