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[DRAFT] Your Mother is a Vampire?

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Feyrisshire
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[DRAFT] Your Mother is a Vampire?

Postby Feyrisshire » Fri May 29, 2020 9:29 am

[title] Your Mother is a Vampire?

[description] Police have arrested Thomas Peter, a man who has dug up the body of his mother in a remote rural cemetery. He opened his mother's grave, claiming she had “turned into a vampire", and impaled her "to prevent her from rising up and terrorizing the living". He is imploring you for a pardon.

[validity] Nations with high primitiveness, religiousness or stupidity

[option 1] "I ain't doing wrong, as I did the right thing." explains Thomas Peter while clutching on a Violetist cross. "She was turning into a vampire. I impaled her corpse so that her soul can finally go up to Our Lord in Heaven. I implore you to give me a righteous pardon, and to ensure that no one will be arrested for this pious act again.”
[effect] villagefolk regularly dig up graves to impale "vampires"

[option 2] "This is proof of the poor education and superstitious beliefs commonplace here in @@NAME@@!" declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a skeptical schoolteacher. "Helping perpetuate archaic and obsolete superstitions will do us no good. Arrest the man for digging up graves, and while you're at it, give more funding to public education."
[effect] clarifying to people that vampires and werewolves are not real is part of the curriculum

[option 3] "Let us not overreact here, shall we?" says the cemetery owner @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only issue here is that the graveyard is not properly guarded. Give us subsidies and we can place new security measures like guards, electric fences, and alarm systems, and this will never happen again."
[effect] barbed wire and CCTV cameras are deployed against "vampire-slayers"

[option 4] “Woah, all this vampire stuff is so cool!"" exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a teenage girl cosplaying as a vampire. "I say we gotta promote this stuff, like in movies and video games. Why don’t we recognize vampirism as part of the national heritage, fund vampire masquerades, and promote Gothic fashion. Hehehehehe..."
[effect] the government promotes the publication of vampire Gothic erotica

[title] Your Mother is a Vampire?

[description] Police have arrested Thomas Peter, a man who has dug up the body of his mother in a remote rural cemetery. He opened his mother's grave, claiming she had “turned into a vampire", and impaled her "to prevent her from rising up and terrorizing the living". He is imploring you for a pardon.

[validity] Nations with high primitiveness, religiousness or stupidity

[option 1] "I ain't doing wrong, as I did the right thing." explains Thomas Peter while clutching on a Violetist cross. "She was turning into a vampire. I impaled her corpse so that her soul can finally go up to Our Lord in Heaven.”
[effect] villagefolk regularly dig up graves to impale "vampires"

[option 2] "This is proof of the poor education and superstitious beliefs commonplace here in @@NAME@@!" declares @@RANDOMNAME@@, a skeptical schoolteacher. "Helping perpetuate archaic and obsolete superstitions will do us no good, arrest the man for digging up graves, and while you're at it, give more funding to public education."
[effect] reminding people vampires and werewolves are not real is part of the curriculum

[option 3] "Let us not overreact here, shall we?" says the cemetery owner @@RANDOMNAME@@. "The only issue here is that the graveyard is not properly guarded. Give us subsidies and we can place new security measures like guards, electric fences, and alarm systems, and this will never happen again."
[effect] barbed wire and CCTV cameras are deployed against "vampire-slayers"

[option 4] “Woah, all this vampire stuff is so cool!"" exclaims @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a teenage girl cosplaying as a vampire. "I say we gotta promote this stuff, like in movies and video games. Why don’t we recognize vampirism as part of the national heritage, fund vampire masquerades, and promote Gothic fashion. Heeheeheehee..."
[effect] the government promotes the publication of vampire Gothic erotica

[title] Your Mother is a Vampire?

[description] Police has arrested Thomas Peter, a man who had dug up the body of his mother in @@CAPITAL@@ Cemetery. He opened his mother's grave, claiming that she "has turned into a vampire" and impaled her "to prevent her from rising and sucking blood". He implores you for a pardon.

[validiy] Nations with high primitiveness, religiousness or stupidity?

[option 1] "I aint' doing wrong, this is just our beliefs." explains Thomas Peter. "This is just a part of our tradition, no one was harmed, what harm can we do? Besides we need to do it to protect our loved ones and family, and to prevent her, from err, being a "vampire"."
[effect] Villagefolk regularly dig up graves to impale "vampires"

[option 2] "This is proof of poor education and superstitious beliefs commonplace here in @@NAME@@!" responds @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a skeptical schoolteacher. "Helping perpetuate archaic and obsolete superstitions would do us no good, arrest the man for digging up graves, and while you're at it, give more funding to science-based public education."
[effect] Reminding people vampires and werewolves are not real is part of the curriculum

[option 3] "Let us not over-react here, shall we?" retorts the cemetery owner @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. "The only issue here is that the cemetery is not properly guarded. Give us subsidies and we can place new security measures like guards, electric fence, alarm systems, and this will no longer happen again."
[effect] Barbed wire and CCTV are deployed against "vampire-slayers"

[option 4] "That young man over there is simply doing God's work!" yells Violetist bishop @@RANDOMMALENAME@@. "He is only trying to exorcise the demonic possession of his beloved mother of a "vampire" so his mother can go to peace. In order to support him in his Godly work, I suggest that we need charitable donations enough for the Exorcists of the Church Militant!"
[effect] State-sanctioned exorcist priests slay vampires in city alleys

[option 5] "Couldn't you stop for a minute and say to yourself "Woah, all this vampire stuff is so cool!"" whimpers @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@, a teenage girl cosplaying as a vampire. "I say that we gotta promote of these stuff, like in movies and video games. Make people dress up as vampires, vampire masquerades, promote Gothic fashion, heeheeheehee."
[effect] @@NAME@@ has submitted Vampire Gothic Erotica as "Intangible Cultural Heritage"


OOC Note: This issue was inspired by the RL case of Petre Toma, whose body was dug up in Romania in 2004 because his family thought he was turning into a vampire. His family who dug up his grave was later arrested and imprisoned by the Romanian police for "disturbing the peace of the dead". - https://www.theguardian.com/world/2005/ ... heobserver
Last edited by Feyrisshire on Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:11 pm, edited 3 times in total.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
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Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Ideal Britain
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Postby Ideal Britain » Fri May 29, 2020 9:33 am

It should be high religion and primitiveness, not “or”.

And primitiveness is a better gauge then stupidity.
A nation that does represent my views set in Britain in the late 2040s.
Current year: 2047
Leader: Angela Rayner, MP of the Labour Party (succeeding Sir Alexander Khan of the same party after his death)

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Feyrisshire
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Postby Feyrisshire » Fri May 29, 2020 9:34 am

Ideal Britain wrote:It should be high religion and primitiveness, not “or”.

And primitiveness is a better gauge then stupidity.


Well, true, but I think that if it should be high religion and primitiveness, it limits the pool of nations eligible to receive this issue.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
Puella Magi rendition of "The Red Army is the Strongest!"⭐~
Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Jutlop
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Postby Jutlop » Fri May 29, 2020 9:36 am

Feyrisshire wrote:
Ideal Britain wrote:It should be high religion and primitiveness, not “or”.

And primitiveness is a better gauge then stupidity.


Well, true, but I think that if it should be high religion and primitiveness, it limits the pool of nations eligible to receive this issue.

culture should be moderate

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Ideal Britain
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Postby Ideal Britain » Fri May 29, 2020 9:52 am

Feyrisshire wrote:
Ideal Britain wrote:It should be high religion and primitiveness, not “or”.

And primitiveness is a better gauge then stupidity.


Well, true, but I think that if it should be high religion and primitiveness, it limits the pool of nations eligible to receive this issue.

Well it would have to be both to happen in the capital.
Maybe say “in a remote rural area of [nation name]”
A nation that does represent my views set in Britain in the late 2040s.
Current year: 2047
Leader: Angela Rayner, MP of the Labour Party (succeeding Sir Alexander Khan of the same party after his death)

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Ideal Britain
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Postby Ideal Britain » Fri May 29, 2020 9:55 am

Why does the schoolteacher have to be a woman?

Why does the cemetery owner have to be a man?
A nation that does represent my views set in Britain in the late 2040s.
Current year: 2047
Leader: Angela Rayner, MP of the Labour Party (succeeding Sir Alexander Khan of the same party after his death)

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Feyrisshire
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Postby Feyrisshire » Fri May 29, 2020 9:57 am

Ideal Britain wrote:Why does the schoolteacher have to be a woman?

Why does the cemetery owner have to be a man?


This is just the first draft, I'm not really experienced with the formatting making people more ambiguous.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
Puella Magi rendition of "The Red Army is the Strongest!"⭐~
Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Authoritaria-Imperia
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Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Fri May 29, 2020 10:03 am

Feyrisshire wrote:
Ideal Britain wrote:Why does the schoolteacher have to be a woman?

Why does the cemetery owner have to be a man?


This is just the first draft, I'm not really experienced with the formatting making people more ambiguous.
All you do is use @@RANDOMNAME@@ instead of the gender variants. Then, whenever you need to reference the person again, use macros @@HE@@, @@HIS@@, @@HIM@@, and @@MAN@@, and they'll adapt automatically to fit the gender of the last @@RANDOMNAME&@@ used. :)
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Feyrisshire
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Postby Feyrisshire » Fri May 29, 2020 10:05 am

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:All you do is use @@RANDOMNAME@@ instead of the gender variants. Then, whenever you need to reference the person again, use macros @@HE@@, @@HIS@@, @@HIM@@, and @@MAN@@, and they'll adapt automatically to fit the gender of the last @@RANDOMNAME&@@ used. :)


Thanks! I'll keep this in mind for the second draft.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
Puella Magi rendition of "The Red Army is the Strongest!"⭐~
Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Authoritaria-Imperia
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Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Fri May 29, 2020 12:00 pm

A couple other things:
  • You've got some places where you could spice up the wording — like instead of "rising and sucking blood", you could say "rising up and terrorising the city". These will make the draft more interesting.
  • You mean "[validity]", right? Not "[validiy]? :)
  • In the same way that effect lines don't end with closing punctuation, they don't start with capital letters either.
  • Options 1 and 4 are very similar, the only difference being that 1 justifies with personal beliefs and 4 justifies with religion. I'd combine them (like have Mr. Peter cite his religion specifically) or drop one of the options entirely; 5 is kind of a lot.
And then I've got some other corrections/suggestions if you're interested. Just a heads-up, I went kind of very overboard with this, and I'm not going to be offended if you don't take my suggestions. :) (Red is for objective grammatical/spelling errors, blue for suggestions, and [brackets] for comments/explanations. Asterisks** just mark really tiny changes where colour might not be enough to draw attention.)
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:Police have arrested
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:Thomas Peter, a man who has dug up [or even better, "a man named Thomas Peter for digging up".]
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:claiming that she "has had "turned into a vampire",** [adding the comma clarifies that the son did the impaling, not the mother]
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:He is imploring you [present tense places the reader into an active situation]
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:I ain't doing wrong, [isn't it weird that even though "ain't" isn't grammatically correct, the English language insists on a proper spelling for it? :D] this is just our beliefs,**"
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:"This is just a part of our tradition, and no one was harmed;** what harm are we going to do?
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:we do? Besides,**
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:and to prevent her, from err, being a "vampire"." [This is really strange reasoning on behalf of Mr. Peter, since impaling her doesn't stop her from being a vampire; it just makes her a dead vampire, if anything. Maybe something like "to save her from vampire-hood?"]
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:of the poor educations and superstitious beliefs commonplace
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:responds [typically, these speakers are talking to @@LEADER@@, not to each other — and @@LEADER@@ hasn't said anything, so this person can't really be "responding"] @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:superstitions will do us no good;
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:to science-based departments in the public education system." [just because "science-based" education implies special educations where students specialise in the sciences, rather than "the science part of the national curriculum".]
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:Let us not over-react overreact
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:we?" retorts [I'd replace this word, see above comment] the cemetery owner @@RANDOMMALENAME@@.
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:that the cemetery graveyard is not [just because you're using "cemetery" two times in close proximity]
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:electric fences, and alarm systems, and this will no longer never happen
Feyrisshire, in the effect line for option 3, wrote:and CCTV cameras are
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:to exorcise the demonic possession of his beloved mother of a "vampire" vampiric demons possessing his mother so his mother she can go to peace the afterlife.
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:his godly work
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:we need institute regular charitable donations enough for
Feyrisshire, in option 5, wrote:"Couldn't you stop for a minute and say to yourself "Woah, all this vampire stuff is so cool!" whimpers [I'd find another way to phrase this — since just having @@LEADER@@ say that to themself likely won't change his/her own opinion, it seems a weird way for the teen to argue the point. And why are they whimpering?]
Feyrisshire, in option 5, wrote:I say that we gotta promote of these this stuff, like in movies and video games. Make people dress up as vampires, vampire masquerades, promote Gothic fashion, [these three suggestions are all the same, and none of them involve the aforementioned promotion within movies and games. Adding more-varied examples would help.] heeheeheehee."
Feyrisshire, in the effect line for option 5, wrote:@@NAME@@ has submitted considers vampire gothic erotica as to be "intangible [that sounds plenty tangible; a word like "priceless" might work better here.] cultural heritage"
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Sat May 30, 2020 9:44 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Ideal Britain
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Postby Ideal Britain » Fri May 29, 2020 12:06 pm

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:A couple other things:
  • You've got some places where you could spice up the wording — like instead of "rising and sucking blood", you could say "rising up and terrorising the city". These will make the draft more interesting.
  • You mean "[validity]", right? Not "[validiy]? :)
  • In the same way that effect lines don't end with closing punctuation, they don't start with capital letters either.
  • Options 1 and 4 are very similar, the only difference being that 1 justifies with personal beliefs and 4 justifies with religion. I'd combine them (like have Mr. Peter cite his religion specifically) or drop one of the options entirely; 5 is kind of a lot.
And then I've got some other corrections/suggestions if you're interested. Just a heads-up, I went kind of very overboard with this, and I'm not going to be offended if you don't take my suggestions. :) (Red is for objective grammatical/spelling errors, blue for suggestions, and [brackets] for comments/explanations. Asterisks** just mark really tiny changes where colour might not be enough to draw attention.)
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:Police have arrested
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:Thomas Peter, a man who has dug up [or even better, "a man named Thomas Peter for digging up".]
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:claiming that she "has had "turned into a vampire",** [adding the comma clarifies that the son did the impaling, not the mother]
Feyrisshire, in the introduction, wrote:He is imploring you [present tense places the reader into an active situation]
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:I ain't doing wrong, [isn't it weird that even though "ain't" isn't grammatically correct, the English language insists on a proper spelling for it? :D] this is just our beliefs,**"
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:"This is just a part of our tradition, and no one was harmed;** what harm are we going to do?
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:we do? Besides,**
Feyrisshire, in option 1, wrote:and to prevent her, from err, being a "vampire"." [This is really strange reasoning on behalf of Mr. Peter, since impaling her doesn't stop her from being a vampire; it just makes her a dead vampire, if anything. Maybe something like "to save her from vampire-hood?"]
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:of the poor educations and superstitious beliefs commonplace
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:responds [typically, these speakers are talking to @@LEADER@@, not to each other — and @@LEADER@@ hasn't said anything, so this person can't really be "responding"] @@RANDOMFEMALENAME@@
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:superstitions will do us no good;
Feyrisshire, in option 2, wrote:to science-based departments in the public education system." [just because "science-based" education implies special educations where students specialise in the sciences, rather than "the science part of the national curriculum".]
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:Let us not over-react overreact
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:we?" retorts [I'd replace this word, see above comment] the cemetery owner @@RANDOMMALENAME@@.
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:that the cemetery graveyard is not [just because you're using "cemetery" two times in close proximity]
Feyrisshire, in option 3, wrote:electric fences, and alarm systems, and this will no longer never happen
Feyrisshire, in the effect line for option 3, wrote:and CCTV cameras are
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:to exorcise the demonic possession of his beloved mother of a "vampire" vampiric demons possessing his mother so his mother she can go topeace the afterlife.
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:his godly work
Feyrisshire, in option 4, wrote:we need institute regular charitable donations enough for
Feyrisshire, in option 5, wrote:"Couldn't you stop for a minute and say to yourself "Woah, all this vampire stuff is so cool!" whimpers [I'd find another way to phrase this — since just having @@LEADER@@ say that to themself likely won't change his/her own opinion, it seems a weird way for the teen to argue the point. And why are they whimpering?]
Feyrisshire, in option 5, wrote:I say that we gotta promote of these this stuff, like in movies and video games. Make people dress up as vampires, vampire masquerades, promote Gothic fashion, [these three suggestions are all the same, and none of them involve the aforementioned promotion within movies and games. Adding more-varied examples would help.] heeheeheehee."
Feyrisshire, in the effect line for option 5, wrote:@@NAME@@ has submitted considers vampire gothic erotica as to be "intangible [that sounds plenty tangible; a word like "priceless" might work better here.]cultural heritage"


Agree with all of that accept "why are they whimpering", can we just keep that?
A nation that does represent my views set in Britain in the late 2040s.
Current year: 2047
Leader: Angela Rayner, MP of the Labour Party (succeeding Sir Alexander Khan of the same party after his death)

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Feyrisshire
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Postby Feyrisshire » Fri May 29, 2020 12:46 pm

Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:-snip


To Authoritaria Imperia, I appreciate all your suggestions and I'd make sure to keep all of them in mind in the second draft! English is not really my native language so I appreciate help in grammar and writing!

Also:

Authoritaria Imperia wrote:"@@NAME@@ has submitted considers vampire gothic erotica as to be "intangible [that sounds plenty tangible; a word like "priceless" might work better here.]cultural heritage"]


If you didn't notice, this is a reference to UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage, so it's supposed to be a proper noun and why it was submitted. I figured that I can't mention "UNESCO" as an RL reference so I simply left that out.
Last edited by Feyrisshire on Fri May 29, 2020 12:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
Puella Magi rendition of "The Red Army is the Strongest!"⭐~
Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Fri May 29, 2020 6:07 pm

Hang on, if he's mother is a vampire, but she's stuck in the ground, why is that a problem?]
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Ideal Britain
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Postby Ideal Britain » Sat May 30, 2020 3:47 am

Australian rePublic wrote:Hang on, if he's mother is a vampire, but she's stuck in the ground, why is that a problem?]

I think vampires can dig
A nation that does represent my views set in Britain in the late 2040s.
Current year: 2047
Leader: Angela Rayner, MP of the Labour Party (succeeding Sir Alexander Khan of the same party after his death)

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Australian rePublic
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Postby Australian rePublic » Sat May 30, 2020 6:49 am

Ideal Britain wrote:
Australian rePublic wrote:Hang on, if he's mother is a vampire, but she's stuck in the ground, why is that a problem?]

I think vampires can dig

So why hasn't she dug then? What's the reasoning?
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Authoritaria-Imperia
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Postby Authoritaria-Imperia » Sat May 30, 2020 9:54 am

Feyrisshire wrote:
Authoritaria-Imperia wrote:-snip
To Authoritaria Imperia, I appreciate all your suggestions and I'd make sure to keep all of them in mind in the second draft! English is not really my native language so I appreciate help in grammar and writing!
No problem! :) Glad I could help.
Feyrisshire wrote:Also:
Authoritaria Imperia wrote:"@@NAME@@ has submitted considers vampire gothic erotica as to be "intangible [that sounds plenty tangible; a word like "priceless" might work better here.]cultural heritage"]
If you didn't notice, this is a reference to UNESCO Intangible Cultural Heritage, so it's supposed to be a proper noun and why it was submitted. I figured that I can't mention "UNESCO" as an RL reference so I simply left that out.
No, I didn't realise this was a reference. If you think most people will get it, then it's probably fine. You could always try to find an equivalent in the WA too, if you want.
Edit: Just checked: the WA equivalent is "WATCH". But it occurs to me that this, and possibly your reference to do with UNESCO, only apply to WA member nations. If that effect line sounds like it's referring to the WA, then it's implying @@NAME@@ is in the WA, and the line's probably more trouble than it's worth.
Australian rePublic wrote:
Ideal Britain wrote:I think vampires can dig
So why hasn't she dug then? What's the reasoning?
I was under the impression Mr. Peter thought his mother had just become a vampire, i.e. he impaled her before she could start digging.
Last edited by Authoritaria-Imperia on Sat May 30, 2020 10:10 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Feyrisshire
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Postby Feyrisshire » Sat Jun 06, 2020 12:39 pm

I have made the second draft! I mostly followed Authoritaria Imperia and Ideal Britain's suggestion as I agreed with a lot of them.

I removed the fourth option as I agree with Authoritaria Imperia that five options would be simply so much.
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
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Feyrisshire
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Posts: 98
Founded: Nov 27, 2019
Left-wing Utopia

Postby Feyrisshire » Mon Jun 08, 2020 2:11 pm

I made a third draft after I made some changes on things that I am not really satisfied.

Any more feedback and suggestions?
IC: Star Sapphire (a faerie that you call "anime" even though she's not) is not our IC flag. This is our IC flag in our Overview.
OOC: Pronouns: She/Her
~~⭐This happy song has been my good luck charm for my life!!!~UwU~❤️
Puella Magi rendition of "The Red Army is the Strongest!"⭐~
Froggy News| Ownership of FH state enterprise handed to 2 lesbian loli vampires.| Catgirls refuse to attend first DB session since COVID-19 as they are asleep.| Feyrisshire supports China's side in border conflict, Modi told "to go screw himself".| "Magical girl with an AK-47 to be sent to arrest Trump to comply with Iran's Interpol request".

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Candlewhisper Archive
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Posts: 21409
Founded: Aug 28, 2015
Capitalizt

Postby Candlewhisper Archive » Wed Jun 10, 2020 4:16 am

it's a weird but interesting premise, but the options seem off to me.

Option 1 I suggest that instead of asking for a pardon, the action should be something like: "You need to take the threat of the restless dead more seriously. All dead bodies should either be staked or cremated, by law."

The effect line needs changing. You're just restating the premise, you need to deliver a consequence of some sort that is amusing, unexpected or clever in some way. Something like "the heart transplant waiting list is growing longer", for example. Feel free to take that, or to use it as an example of the sort of direction we need.

Option 2 It'd be more amusing if this speaker, if the speaker wasn't a skeptical schoolteacher, but was instead a "pale looking former alcoholic who never drinks wine anymore", and if he had a suitably Transylvanian accent. Also, better effect line please.

Option 3 is off-topic, not answering the core issue of whether its okay to stake the dead or not, but rather talking about graveyard security. I think it can be dropped.

Option 4 also doesn't address the premise. Maybe instead the teen could be asking that we pledge allegiance to the hidden undead overlords, and hope that they reward us with immortality. Set out blood tributes, that sort of thing. Also, try to change her voice, make her not an excitable enthusiast, but rather a death-obsessed goth type. Again, the effect line needs to be bettter.
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